They’re all the same. No, really they are. Read enough of them, and you’ll see.
I should know. This is the third or fourth adultery-related blog I’ve started in a period of several months. I create ‘em and delete ‘em. Gotta have ‘em, but don’t want ‘em. Then I conclude that I need a place to “clear my mind” and start another one. But here’s what I’ve decided about blogs (including mine) that pertain to a person’s marital infidelity. They are dark, creepy places that freak people out, and serve as macabre entertainment for passers-by.
For example, the blogs of cheating spouses begin to sound alike when you read them. ”I’m sorry for what I did.” ”I’m not sorry for what I did.” ”I miss my other woman.” ”I hate my other woman.” ”I was wronged.” “Betrayed.” ”My life is hell.” ”My children hate me.” ”My wife is a bitch.” Etc.
The same can be said about the blogs of spouses who have been betrayed by their husbands and wives. ”I didn’t deserve this.” ”My years of toil as a homemaker should have meant something, but didn’t.” ”Men who cheat deserve to go to jail.” ”Men who cheat should be castrated.” Etc.
Then there are the people who comment on adultery blogs. These, too, are all the same. ”I’m sorry for your pain.” ”You need to move on.” ”You need to bend over backwards to show your spouse you love them.” ”Give it time. Things will get better.” And my least favorite comments: ”Join a support group online,” or, “God says (fill in the blank).”
So I’ve decided that this blog of mine will be different from the ones I’ve had before. I’m going to be honest. Brutally honest. I’m going to say things that are unpopular, and may not fit the conventions of society. You see, no matter what anyone may say about adultery, my story is different than most. I know it is. The details of what happened are so outlandish, so surreal, they’d make for a damned fine “Made for Television” movie. On Lifetime. (Yuk.)
Let the offending statements begin.
wow this sounds like it could be interesting and i look forward to hearing your honesty. will be refreshing…
Of course, it will be honesty “according to me.” I’ll try my best to keep it straight. By the way, with your background in the mental health field, you won’t be too shocked by the surprise element of my story.
Thanks for the comment!
I’m looking forward to reading your blog! I’ve jokingly called my life a Lifetime Movie, but I have a feeling mine will pale in comparison.
Thanks for your comment. My fear is, when I reveal the unusual nature of my affair, readers will suddenly turn against me, out of pity for my former OW. They always do. It’s usually the first reaction. Suddenly, I will be the bad guy, which isn’t fair. It’s why I’m going to lead up to it slowly, with the proper background information.
Wow- now that I have spent hours reading you blog and finding myself lost in the thoughts of my own affair ( which ended recently and I am still having trouble letting go) I am realizing how fucked up ( and beautiful) it all was. questions for you….. does you wife know about your blog??? Do you really think you would be better off keeping th secret??? The anxiety that I hold about my secret – yes I was the cheater- is what is keeping me from letting myself get close to my husband. And finally, how do I turn my love for OM off??? I would go back to him in a heartbeat – which I know would forever fuck up my kids.
Tiger Lily, thanks for your comment. How do you turn off your love for OM? If you figure that one out, please let me know. That’s the million dollar question that we’ve all been trying to answer. As a two-year veteran of the post-affair world, I can tell you that time –yes, time– will take care of a lot of this.
Per your other question: Should you keep the secret? My quick answer is yes, but you’ve raised an interesting point. Is “the secret” really preventing you from getting close to your husband? I’ve never really thought about this, seeing as how I never had the chance to experience it. I would offer this: Tonight, sit down and take a good look at your husband. Check out his smile. Admire his innocence. Then ask yourself, do you want to make his life a living hell? Do you want him to question everything about you, him and your marriage? Also, do you have children? If so, don’t assume they’re not going to learn what mommy did. Even if they’re very young, they’ll hear about it when they grow up. They always do. Finally, I will say this: While it may be difficult to conceal such a secret, you will wish like hell you had never told once you do. You have NO idea what “discovery” is like until you’ve lived it. It’s easy for all the truth-lovers out there to argue this point. But they don’t know what they’re talking about. I do.
Good luck with your decision…..and your burden.
Thank you TV…. thank you! And I will need to read your response over and over in my moments of weakness. Ugg.
My affair began, as most do, an emotional affair. We shared our inner most feelings and assisted each other though some difficult times. He was far away so I thought I was safe. I did not expect it to become physical. haha Well, it turned into plane trips to see me and passionate nights in hotel rooms. When were weren’t together we were texting and IMing. I did feel alive and happy. I even said countless times that I knew that long term probably wouldn’t work but it was worth it for “the now”. I had never experienced that craving for another person both emotionally and physically… yes the sex was amazing.
What I struggle with now is the reason behind him ending it. I am relieved that it is over because I no longer have to figure out how to get away for a weekend here and there. Boy did I hate lying!! But the reasons that he gave me for ending it with me …. the distance between us being the main….. ended up to be a crock of shit….. He has since reconnected with an old friend who lives close by me, once again requiring plane trips. Yes I admit a lot of jealousy!!
As I muck through letting go of him I am trying so hard to dislike him, but I can’t. I still love him- I, like so many other posters in your blog, long to know if he thinks about me, has second thoughts about ending our affair, wishes that if our timing had been different we could have made it work, Hopes that possibly our worlds will collide again…..***sigh***
I hope that all of these longing pass for me and that I can find my may back to my husband, for my children’s sake. But in all honesty, my marriage has been rocky for years- I have little confidence that it will stand the test of time. But I know that I need to get through this phase of my life before I can make a decision to leave my husband. I need a clear head!
Well TV- you didn’t answer my question of whether or not your wife knows about this blog?? I ask that because I wonder, is it a way of “continuing” your affair at some level???
Tiger Lily, I too am married with kids and spouse does not know. I also wish daily (hourly) there was a way to turn off my feelings for OM. I am waiting for time to pass, waiting for the feelings to dissipate or at least diminish in their strength. Time seems to pass so slowly. I also have guilt and high anxiety living with this secret. Personally, I just try to stay as busy as possible. Try to be the best wife and mom I can be (which is a struggle when I feel I can’t breathe most of the time). Try to focus back on my husband. I have no answers, but this blog has been such a help knowing I am not alone. The advice and support I have gotten is the only thing that has helped me keep what little sanity I feel I have left. Good luck!
Tiger Lily, no, my wife doesn’t know about this blog. And no, this is not a way of continuing the affair. If you’ll check the dates on my most recent blog posts, you’ll see that I barely post one new article per month. Mostly, I’m on here answering questions…such as yours. But I don’t have the desire to keep yammering on about my affair. If anything, this blog is a way for me to assess my life and the impact my affair had on it. As you will find out two years down the road, affairs change the person you are forever. Or so it seems. While the affair itself becomes a distant memory, the difficulties that resulted from it are long-lasting.
Despite everything, I enjoy having this blog. I just wish I knew what to write next. It’s all been said. At least, from my standpoint.
Sorry if I offended you in asking…. you being the “expert” in surviving the aftermath of an affair. I asked your thoughts on keeping this blog secret from your wife was in a way continuing your affair because part of me feels as though joining this blog allows myself to dwell on my affair- thus in a round about way continuing it on an emotional level- rather than getting over it….. although the other part of me needs to vent and tell my story. Since this is the only safe place to do so, here I am, posting away to total strangers about what I have done and finding comfort in it. Oh what a nasty can of worms this whole affair has brought on. And to think, I thought that what I was doing could be justified and was right….. in a non traditional sense. I convinced myself that it was…. Hell, I am still on the fence and if given the correct circumstances would/could be weak and re-enter the affair. If I had only known that numb was so much better! I just say over and over again, “It all happens for a reason….”
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