This is the last thing a guy in my position should be talking about. I know I’ll catch grief. But since my affair, my wife –who has suffered tremendously from my actions– has developed a body that rivals most models.
She is ”smokin’ hot,” as Ricky Bobby said.
Again, I realize how bad this sounds. My wife’s weight-loss (60 pounds) was due directly to the damaging psychological-effects of my affair. If I had it to do over, I’d rather she be her full-figured old self. Her happy old self. But the damage is done and…well…she’s a looker!
Even my wife is enjoying this new body of hers. And why not? Men trip over themselves whenever she walks by. She is tall, wiry and slips comfortably into a pair of size 8 jeans. The Hollisters are my favorite. Even her abs are carved. Not an ounce of fat. She does more crunches per night than I do push-ups, which is saying a lot because I’m a workout freak. Her body is so fine, a male friend of ours –who hadn’t seen her in years– said he “almost had a heart attack” when he saw her photos on my dot-com blog that bears my real name.
“Shit, dude. Your wife looks good!”
Yet…
I’m not sure how to feel about this. I’m happy for my wife, and for me…the guy who reaps the benefits. But I’m not happy how it came about. I wouldn’t recommend this diet to anyone, particularly people who are blindsided by their spouse’s affair.
Guilty.
Ricky Bobby's "Smokin' Hot" Wife.
Yes, the adultery diet is a tough one. But guess what…the reconciliation celebration can just wipe it all out
When you get back into the habit of being married, the cooking, the going out to dinner, the whatever it is you do that is based around food, as so many things in American culture are…yeah, it all can find it’s way right back. Damn it!
TV! Buddy…. I can’t believe it, I quote Ricky Bobby all the time with the “Smokin’ Hot” term. Especially with my wife…. in fact TO my wife!
I too can humbly say that my wife is frankly quite smokin’ hot! She is in her 30′s, tall, slender and carries her height amazingly. She works out and gets great resulsts.
Intimidates the hell out of people including my ex. Which she certainly doesnt try to do.
Buddy… just enjoy it! I agree with Ricky Bobby on this one. A far better place to direct your affections!
We men are vain shallow creatures. In my experience, it is a fundamental “need”, not “want”, to have an attractive spouse.
So enjoy for all its worth.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz, thank you for that! You are truly a kindred spirit, and a man who understands men. I will take you advice and enjoy the hell out of my Ricky Bobby wife!
Terri, I love your words, “reconciliation celebration.”. So much more pleasing to the palate than the cold, bland “adultery diet.”. What I’d give for a plump, but happy wife.
I lost 25 lbs on my adultery diet. Good times! Don’t feel guilty about her weight loss, as that is probably one of the only positives she sees from it. I know it is for me. I needed to lose about 30 lbs, and that helped me get there. So it came with a bunch of stuff I never wanted…I can’t change that. Wish I could, but I can’t
Enjoy your wife for who she is.
Good luck with the reconciliation!
Mike, thanks for your comment. Yeah, the weight-loss thing is amazing! All of us formerly cheating husbands need to team up and write a diet book. I eat a fraction of what I used to eat, and can’t seem to get my old appetite back. That’s a good thing I guess, but hellfire, it came at a price!
TV,
To be clear, I was the one cheated on, not the other way around.
I lost weight simply because I felt no desire to eat. I actually didn’t eat at all for the first two days.
I didn’t even really realize that I hadn’t until my wife started noticing and suggested that I needed to eat something.
It has all come at a price, you are right.
Mike, so sorry for the mistake. I hope I didn’t come across as cavalier in my comment. I’m sure I did. You are the first cheated-on husband who has left a comment on my pathetic blog. Yours is a perspective I have not considered (at least as much), seeing as how I’m a guy who put the moves on another man’s wife.
I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on any of this. I imagine you absolutely despise your wife’s former “other man”??? Oddly, my ex-lover’s husband never lashed out at me. To this day, I can’t understand why. I’d kick a man’s ass for messing with my wife.
TV,
It’s no problem, I just wanted to clarify that it is also possible for the shoe to be on the other foot. It certainly was here.
The thing is, I had a hand in the affair. I allowed our marriage to become stale, by being selfish with my time and interests. She grew apart from me, and eventually a guy came along and sensed her vulnerability. This allowed him to use manipulation 101 (as I call it) on her. She of course wanted to feel wanted, and soaked up the attention.
As for the other guy…
I know his name. I know his Employer. I know his phone number. I know his address.
Do I despise him? That’s a tough one. I will say that I think it shows how much a person respects themself when they will settle for being with someone who can’t fully committ to them. I mean, as with most scenarios like this – it isn’t likely that the persons in the affair will ever be happily married. I have read a statistic from multiple sources that claims that 75% of those involved in affairs, who leave their spouse to marry the other partner, end up divorcing them within 2 years. Not exacltly looking greener on that other side. A book I am reading by Dave Carder has a lot of good information and insight on how these events occur. I would suggest it as a read for anyone interested. See the resources section of my blog for more information on that. http://mizenerd.wordpress.com/resources [HEAVY THEOLOGY WARNING] – it’s the second book of his listed.
I am getting off-point though. Do I despise him? I guess I do, but not in a way that will make me hunt him down and do something stupid. I think he took advantage of her, but she let him do it – so I guess I can’t be anymore upset with him than her, right? In ways, I am more upset with him, because he knew she was married. In others, I am more upset with her because it was she who stood in the Church and said her vows to me, not him. He is ultimately of no consequence to me. The more I worry about him, the less I worry about us.
I will admit that I did email the guy once. Let me see if I still have the text of it, and I will paste it here.
I did feel like doing something, but know that is not for the best.
Also, I found out in the worst of ways. Emails. Pictures. The whole kit-n-kaboodle so to speak. See another man talk to your wife in ways she won’t let you talk, or doesn’t talk with you is heart-breaking. Seeing that she wasn’t being herself with him was the only good thing I saw in the emails. I mean that in each conversation she was speaking like she had just taken a porn acting course. Not her at all. Not things she would say. Not things she would do. Nothing of her was in those messages. She was telling him what he wanted to hear, so she could get the attention she so desperately wanted. He wasn’t even very good looking, and yes unfortunately I have seen pictures – not just of his face. Yaaay for me! Note my sarcasm.
I don’t have the email to him – but it was only a few lines. Basically I asked him to back off if he had any morals at all. I also said that if he actually cared for her he would end it, as she would most certainly lose many things important to her if we ended up in divorce. Also I noted that I knew who he worked for (he’s a lawyer, she was a client) and that if things didn’t end soon I would not be responsible for ending his career by ensuring the Bar Association saw his indescretions in full color. Now, that may seem very un-christian of me, and I admit it was – but it was an empty threat. Even in my pain I couldn’t really do that to someone I didn’t care for. I wasn’t going to tell him that though. He never did respond to my email. I still wonder why. I thought him a coward for it.
Ultimately it’s a waste of time to worry about him. If my marriage is to succeed, he has to fade away, and not be a shadow over us.
That response is rather jumbled, now that I read it. Uggh. I didn’t really intend to write that much.
Mike, I don’t think your response was jumbled at all. In fact, I was hanging on every word. Such an interesting perspective, and one I’ve needed to hear for a very long time.
“I allowed our marriage to become stale, by being selfish with my time and interests.”
Amazing. This is a carbon copy of my ex-lover’s husband, who was more interested in his friends and World of Warcraft. However (and maybe I’m deluding myself), I don’t think I took advantage of his wife’s vulnerability. She was a willing participant from beginning to end. If anything, I’m the person who suffered from the most guilt, at least in the beginning. I remember telling her how awful I felt for screwing over my wife and children. She was sympathetic to my feelings, but never seemed to have those same feelings of guilt for her husband. It was amazing.
I’m not saying I was innocent in the affair. Once I “crossed the line” with her, there was no controlling myself. And as time went on, I began to demonize her husband. Perhaps to make myself feel better about sleeping with his wife, or maybe because I felt she was now mine, not his. Oddly, nearly two years after the affair ended, I still have occasional feelings of jealousy toward him. How strange is that? I feel he stole something that was mine, when it’s really the other way around. I guess what I’m saying is, I fell in love with his wife.
I’m not surprised you sent an email to your wife’s OM. I am a bit surprised he didn’t respond. I, too, was contacted by my ex’s husband. Twice by phone, once by email. On the phone, he was a true Officer and a Gentleman. He never raised his voice. Never threatened to beat my butt. The problem is, I couldn’t let her go. I kept hounding her and hounding her, until he finally sent me this email. Needless to say, I heeded his warning, and there’s been no further contact between me and his wife.
I know I’ve written some horrible posts on this blog. Vicious attacks on my ex and her husband. Please keep in mind, it was never for their benefit. I created this anonymous blog to “get it out of my system.” Sometimes I think it’s had the opposite effect.
Please feel free to check in regularly and set me straight when I get out of hand. Again, thank you for offering this valuable perspective on the affair-thing.
TV,
I was never interested in WOW, or Friends. I was a work-a-holic, and when I was home I wasn’t really there. I am very distractable. That’s one of the things that drew her to me, but also pulled us apart.
I didn’t say the stuff about attacking vulnerability to say that you, or even all “other persons” do that. It was simply my view on our situation. However, I will say that maybe your Wife could view your “other woman” as having tipped the scales in her favor to some degree. Maybe, maybe not. You tell me. Someone usually wants the other more, and will go to what lengths needed to seal the deal. It’s the part about being sympathetic that makes me think it applies to you, but in reverse. Her sympathy was possibly a tool to manipulate you into feeling like she cared for you more than your spouse. And the loathing you gained for her spouse could have been a result of her telling you too much, maybe even adding a little extra to the truth to make you feel sympathy for her. It’s possible, but only you and she know the truth there. Just hypothesising.
I am not surprise you feel jealousy. Even though I know their relationship was one of weakness, and rather contrived – I am still jealous of him. He has been with my wife. Who ever wants to think another man has been with their wife. Lord knows that if we ever met, and he said anything unkind, I don’t think I could help getting physical with him. I hate to admit that, but jealousy is a beast, and righteous jealousy even more so.
I just read the email he sent you. Quite to the point and firm about it. As much as it hurt you, it was the best thing for everyone involved. Do you see that now? I am curious. The guy my wife was with only said one thing when she ended it. He said, “I was worried you would go back to him.” Strange. Like he thought a fairy tale romance would spring out of their illicit relationship. I don’t know how one entertains the idea that could happen when the person they are with isn’t being faithful to their current partner. I am sure that it can be explained, I just can’t relate to it. I guess I have always been a big trust and truth guy, so when I try to imagine living the double life from my wife, I can’t imagine it lasting all that long – let alone going anywhere positive.
Thanks for giving me your perspective, as I doubt the other guy from my situation will ever talk to me. I am not sure if it’s fear, or outright disrespect, and I guess I shouldn’t care. I do wonder though.
Last one, but your blog is so interesting to me. Seems like every subject has a piece of my fucked-up life in it. I also lost 30 lbs and have never looked better. Better at 45 than at 35. Finding out about my husband’s affair made me think about things I had never considered since I was married. Sad to say, I started thinking about finding another man. I felt like I had better shape up. No cougar here, but I started to fantasize about banging a young hottie. Then I started to think about the fact that the woman my husband had been banging was 35. What if I had looked like this before- maybe he wouldn’t have fucked around? Fuck that. I always had great sex with my husband and he always said he loved the way I looked. Never before this affair did I ever question the way I looked. Never before did I have any lack of self-confidence. I gotta shake this shit. Your wife is trying to shake it. Give her a hug. Maybe you would want to tell her everything you just wrote. She would probably want to hear that you think she’s smokin’ hot. Unless she has a plan. Even though I am 80% committed to sticking this out with my husband, there lurks a plan B. Not so deep beneath the surface. Self-preservation.
I’m quite familiar with the “plan B” you refer to. My smokin’ hot wife has reminds me often about the men who’d love to get in her pants. I know she’s been tempted. (Who wouldn’t be?) But I need to caution you about something. There have been times (many times, in fact) that I wished she would go ahead and fuck someone so we’d be even and she would stop blaming me. If I thought her having sex with another man would take the heat off me, I’d be all for it. But I also know that her motivations would be different from mine when I was having an affair. Revenge-sex is a different animal. I’m not sure where it would lead her. As far as I know, it could be the undoing of one’s marriage. The final straw, as they say. I hope I don’t find out.
I’m quite familiar with the “plan B” you refer to. My smokin’ hot wife has reminds me often about the men who’d love to get in her pants. I know she’s been tempted. (Who wouldn’t be?) But I need to caution you about something. There have been times (many times, in fact) that I wished she would go ahead and fuck someone so we’d be even and she would stop blaming me. If I thought her having sex with another man would take the heat off me, I’d be all for it. But I also know that her motivations would be different from mine when I was having an affair. Revenge-sex is a different animal. I’m not sure where it would lead her. As far as I know, it could be the undoing of one’s marriage. The final straw, as they say. I hope I don’t find out.
Ok… so this is totally consistent.
I too got back in shape when my wife wanted to pack it in. It is now about 8 years since all the shit started and I have maintained my conditioning.
Mind you, when using copious amounts of cocaine, I did not have a problem with putting weight on. It was the opposite.
I believe the psychological trauma we go through when we discover the betrayal affects our entire being in such a way that we lose weight. It may be the energy spent with the total fixation of the utter hell we feel we are in.
Robin… as far as attracting other men… certainly that will always be a card you can play. In fact, your husband will undoubtedly be aware of this to some degree.
If you are like me, you are not likely to be in any kind of shape to be in any kind of relationship when still reeling from the torpedo hit of discovering the betrayal.
I tell ya, my mind went everywhere. So did my behaviours. I was so messed up, I went out and established a cocaine habit at age 38, never having touched the stuff in my life. It was a chain reaction starting with a few “i’ll show you” small decisions while I was feeling the crippling pain of my ex’s betrayal.
So I guess my point is… and I bring this message back from the trenches… making major decisions while we are in the baffling pain and confusion of the aftermath of our spouse’s betrayal, including the decision to hook up with someone to test the waters or to get even, usually ends up in calamity.
If I could pass one message back to those who are just starting the journey of recovery from betrayal, it would be to surround yourself with positive and supportive people who will help you continually make positive choices and decisions for you.
Our injured minds and psyche will take us places we never thought we could go. I have seen it time and again. You are probably in pain. You are probably emotionally punch-drunk. You are probably in the midst of an emotional concussion. Your decision-making ability is unreliable at best.
You will probably be doing yourself, your family, and yes, even your marriage a favour by keeping your decisions as simple as possible and wise as possible. Lean on others who are not in the pain you are in right now. People you can trust.
There is no downside to doing these things. My experience anyway.
Ciao.
Chaz
I agree, Chaz. Despite my wife’s many suggestions of “getting even,” she didn’t go through with it, and thank God she didn’t when her mind was in that state. By delaying, she was able to reach a point where she could see that her slimebag husband had just made a mistake. A BIG mistake, but a mistake nonetheless. We have a long road ahead, but we’re on it together.
By the way, this crazy post remains the top post of my blog. It’s consistently number one in hits. Who knew so many people were out there Googling ‘Ricky Bobby’ or his ‘Smokin’ Hot Wife.’
I had included Kobe Bryant pic in one of my posts and was getting dozens of hits a day…. sometimes hundreds. Go figure.