Man cheats on wife. Man gets caught. He survives one-and-a-half years of hell. There are many ups and downs, but mostly downs. He knows if he just holds on, keeps his nose clean, he has a chance to save his marriage.
The only thing standing in the the way of this is his wife.
My wife. She can’t let it go. She can’t move past the pain of my betrayal. No amount of promises or assurances on my part can free her from the “certainty I” will betray again. We will never be able to move on as a couple until she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt I am no longer in contact with my former other woman.
This is what scares me the most.
I have nothing to hide where that’s concerned. All communication with my ex stopped months ago. Sure, I tried to keep it going. I couldn’t stand to let her go. And I thought I would die when she made it clear to me (with help from her husband) that there would be no more contact ever. Yet all these months later, my wife continues to suspect that OW and I are maintaining some sort of dialogue. I fear that when everyone least expects it, my wife will call her “just to make sure.”
Here’s the problem with that:
While there’s been no contact, my ex has a history of running her damned mouth. Saying too much. When a simple yes or no answer would suffice, OW manages to provide “extra detail.” Part of this stems from my wife’s superior interrogation skills for which OW has never been a match. By the time my wife finishes with her, OW is a Gitmo prisoner on sodium-pentathol.
But what could my ex possibly say?
Plenty.
Of first and foremost concern is the existence of this blog, which I suspect OW reads. Can you imagine my wife’s reaction if she were to read this blog, especially the early posts when I was pouring out my heart and soul? That’s the sort of information OW is known for providing, and it’s a question my detective-wife will ask.
“Tell me about his blogs. I know he has one. He told me he does, and he said the two of you have been leaving comments for each other. Don’t lie, or I will sue you in court!”
I can just hear it now.
Another fatal blow would be for OW to remind my wife that I was the one who couldn’t let go. This remains the number one sticking point in my marital recovery. The fact that I was “ready to cast my family aside” for this woman. I hear this every day. I will hear it for the rest of my life.
What my ex-lover needs to realize, if she hasn’t grasped the concept by now, is that my wife hates her to the very core and, if given the chance, would destroy her. Because at the end of the day, only one question lingers in my wife’s mind: Who is this woman who held such emotional power over my husband? For that, my wife will never forgive her.
It’s doubtful she will ever truly forgive me.
So I say to OW, wherever you are, here’s your chance to do something helpful for a change. That is, don’t do anything. Don’t say anything. Restrain yourself for once in your life. Just because your husband has turned a blind eye to the past doesn’t mean the same has happened here. I am a walking, talking, breathing reminder to my wife that someone other than her stole my heart.
As distant as you’ve become to me, you may still hold the key to my recovery.
If she calls.
4 Comments
March 31, 2009 at 1:17 am
its funny you wrote this today- im piggybacking off of your “search term” post and creating my own laundry list for a post… one of them is “what to say to my husband’s mistress”… i find it interesting your ex doesnt just hang up when your wife has contacted her. thats what id do if i ever got a phone call- and as you well know, i want R to rot- but i still dont think id dish info. then again, easier said than done.
i know, chances are, your wife might be hurt if she reads your blog. however, your blog is proof you dont talk to your OW anymore and that you are constantly trying to repair your marriage. at least that is my perspective of it many days… i mean, im not saying show her this blog- im just saying that i dont know if it would do as much damage as you think… or OW might hope.
March 31, 2009 at 1:51 am
Even in the process of a divorce, the wife of my guy (if I am the other woman, what is he?) can’t let the hate go. I think it’s part of what kept them from reconcilling. But I can see how it would be very hard to face that suspicion and anger every day – it’s admirable that you love your wife enough to do so. When my guy, hereafter known as R, (what a coincidence with MM)’s wife called my husband, after I had moved out, he wished her luck with her own problems and refused to speak with her. I think that was a good approach for everyone. But the pain of knowing that another woman was able to change your perspective on your love for your wife is something that must be very difficult for her to get over. And I will say, I know, as I was on the wife-side of an affair once.
Based on R’s experience, having the wife read the blog, even if it reflects your attempts at reconcilliation, is NOT a good thing for either of you. Blogs are private and public at the same time, and can be interpreted and used by spouses in many creative ways. And that works to no one’s benefit.
November 5, 2009 at 5:49 am
I do have an insatiable desire to want to talk to his OW. We’ve talked about this briefly before, but I can see that it wouldn’t accomplish anything. My wanting to talk with her has to do with wanting to know what really happened and my husband is not forthcoming with that information. It is in the past and that’s where he wants it to stay. She was a mistake and even though he told her he loved her, he didn’t really. She’s already lied to me once. I have no doubt she would do the same in the future.
I have a range of emotions towards her, and this may sound strange, but part of my hatred towards her is that she hurt my husband. Of course I am upset that she had a part in my pulverized heart, but she claimed to love my husband. He is by far a victim, but like you, TV, he was the pursued. He could have lost everything, and still might, and she didn’t care that she was going to cost him everything he cared for and loved and everything he had worked for. I hate that she led him to a path that allowed him to not only destroy me, someone he claims to love, but himself, his own sense of self-worth and happiness. She was completely selfish.
I want desperately to be able to forgive her. But I have to know what I am forgiving. I am not even sure that I can forgive my husband. There are days that I literally feel like I am on the edge of insanity the pain is so great. Some of my other responses my be evidence of that.
I wish I had some semblance of your wife’s superior interrogation skills. Maybe I could actually get the answers that I seek.
This affair has definitely helped me deal with pride issues I was having. I definitely don’t feel so special anymore.
Today is one of those unusually good days. One of those days when I am so very appreciative of the love and attention that my husband has begun to show me. I don’t feel that he does it out of obligation, but out of true affection. But I’ve believed lies before, how do I know the difference? It is one of those odd days that I am almost, almost, grateful for the affair. We weren’t happy before, no matter how much counseling I got or books I read or praying I did. Now he appreciates me and loves me the way I always wanted him to…now the problem that stands in the way is that my heart wasn’t just broken. It was shattered and I think there are pieces that are missing forever. I hate that. I hate that he had to hurt me this much to love me. but on this strange and unlikely day, I can accept that he finally can love me.
November 5, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Cecila, I am glad the mood is better at home. Like you, I have no doubt your husband “just made a mistake.” Trust me when I say, these things happen to the most unlikely people. If someone had told me five years ago I would cheat on my wife, I would have told ‘em they are crazy.
I think it’s natural for you to have this “range of emotions” toward your husband’s former OW. The very thought of my OW drives my wife bonkers. Unfortunately, I think betrayed spouses, like yourself, give OWs more power than they deserve. I can understand the fascination, the need for “answers,” based on what I’ve heard from my wife, but as you yourself admit, there are none. Not really. It is what it is. It happened for all the reasons they talk about in those self-help books. There is no great mystery to affairs. LOTS of husbands and wives fall victim to them. And generally, I think, it has less to do with the spouse who was betrayed, and MORE to do with the spouse who cheated. In my case, I became the poster child for mid-life crisis, minus the gold chains around my neck and the new Corvette. BELIEVE your husband when he says he loves you. It’s the truth, and he needs you to believe him.
I should end my reply to your comment here, but I want to add one more thing. This whole thing about cheating spouses being the “victim” because they “were pursued” is not entirely true. Yes, there are elements of truth to this. God knows, I tried to spin things that way. But once I made my mind up that I was going to cheat, I became the pursuer. I was a hungry animal who could not be stopped. My heart was full of lust and excitement. I take FULL responsibility for that. My humanity.