When I step back and look at my blog and the countless other blogs just like it, I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with everyone? Why are so many married folk sleeping around or, worse, getting slept around on? The tall stack of marital recovery books on either side of my bed reinforces my suspicions. Our naughty behavior has given birth to a lucrative industry of adultery “troubleshooters.” People charged with curing society of this dreadful “disease” which has reached pandemic levels.
I say we just save our money and trade spouses.
Think about it. Instead of coming each night to a man who farts without shame or a woman with a perpetual headache, we could simply rotate partners. You know, liven things up. A fresh beef stick for the ladies, and a sweet slice of tiramisu for the gents. Seriously, who among us wouldn’t clean up their ass act if they knew they’d getting naked in a few hours with someone else’s squeeze. No more dull hubby playing YoVille on Facebook. Just Cabernet, candles and ooh-la-la.
Please try harder to grasp what I’m saying.
Instead of paying hard-earned money to a marriage counselor to find out why the quirky things you loved about your spouse twenty years ago now drive you fucking insane, you could be reasonably assured (thanks to my patented screening process) that each new day would be filled with anticipation. No more nightly recaps from the wife on why you failed as a husband, father and friend. And ladies, no more sneers from a man who thinks women’s braziers should cost the same as his 3-pack of tighty whities from Wal-Mart. Oh hell no! Under the plan I propose, braziers will be viewed as a “mutual investment.” (If you get my meaning.)
Starting to see the light?
In other words, right now, instead of stuffing your face with pizza and pissing away yet another evening watching TV, you could be stopping by the bathroom on your way to the bedroom to make sure your “snacks” have just the right flavor. Let the tailgating party begin!
So whaddaya say? Are you in?
(Just kidding, folks. I felt like being irreverent.)
tv explorer 
My live in boyfriend of 5 years is still on the phone to his ex wife more hat 15 -20 times a month, does anyone agree that this is cheating he won’t committ to marriage and I tell him it’s because he’s not over his ex what should I do?
I appreciate your comment and your question. In most cases I would say, I’m the wrong guy to be asking relationship questions. However, I feel uniquely qualified to answer this question. As you know if you’ve read my “about” section, I know a thing or two about the mind of a married man whose heart is split two ways.
Unfortunately, as it is now the weekend, my computer access is extremely limited. I’m grounded from the computer, as a teenager would say. I will contemplate my answer and reply on Monday.
lol. oh the weekend access… do you know that my hits go down severely on the weekends? im sure yours do, too… i always find that interesting… and very telling.
so im back from my vacation- with a few posts on my mind to write up… i may or may not get to them over the next few days- but definitely over the next week. i see you have been a super busy bee over the past few days posting away. i find this post particularly interesting, because its something ive thought about a lot… not the truly switching partners things- but when i was in my affair i often used to think (and still do in retrospect) the if hes not happy, and im not happy, and we are sneaking around, then why the hell dont we ditch the dead weight and get together?
in addition, as a history buff, i have been crafting a “history of affairs” thing- one that includes presidents, etc… and not just bill clinton. ive also been thinking about a post about how great it was to get away… and how much it sucks to be back and be around all the little reminders.
with all that being said- whats up with you and the age thing lately? i know you are in a business where it is in your face- but come on, my dear TV, you and i both know you are youthful at heart… and that goes a long way! nobody with your sarcasm and wit is old by any means. but i do have to agree with chaz, age does mean experience, and that does say a lot for you… i may still be in my 20s, but the experience ive gained these past 3 years has made me old (in the being wise since)…
well, ill cut it off here- but i look forward to hearing from you after the weekend! with that being said, i hope you had a nice time with your wife and the girls.
Sorry for the delayed response to your question. As I indicated on Friday, my computer access is extremely limited these days. Tell me, is your boyfriend officially divorced? How long was he married? Are there children involved? If so, does he have partial custody of them? And what promises did he make to you when he moved in 5 years ago? What’s his excuse for not marrying you yet?
Sorry for all the questions, but the more I thought about what you asked, I found myself needing more background to formulate a decent answer. Again, I am not –I repeat, not– a relationship expert of any kind. But I may be able to shed some light on men who are of dual mind and heart.
Great to hear from you, MM! I see you’ve posted the historical view of men and mistresses, as promised. I haven’t had a chance to read it just yet, but will soon. You and I must think alike, because I recently considered writing a similar post, but gave up on the idea, figuring it would take too much research, which requires time on a computer. Something I don’t have.
I’ll try to read your post tomorrow.
Thanks for your response,
1. they are officially divorced three years now.
2. they were married around 16 years.
they have two children ages 23 and 21.
3. I moved in with him and I don’t no what you mean about promises.
4. He has given me two diamond rings but won’t commit to marriage.
Thank you. Linda
Thanks for the info. When I asked about “promises,” I was curious if your man told you at the start that he would marry you. That’s all.
Where to start? It sounds like your guy was married for a long time. 16 years with someone is a lifetime! Plus, they raised two children together. That’s a huge deal. Even if they’re no longer married, they are still the parents of their children.
I guess what I’m saying is, with that much history, I’m not surprised he’s in contact with his ex so often. The question is, why does he call her? Are they discussing their children, or is it just friendly conversation?
It seems after five years of living with you, he would have separated himself from his wife, except to discuss the kids, etc. If he’s calling his ex because he misses her, or can’t get her out of his system, I would make it clear that you don’t approve, and won’t live your whole life this way.
Wow, five years of just living together is a long time. Sorry he hasn’t committed to marriage. If my wife and I divorced, I’d be afraid to remarry. Even if I found someone special, I’d probably want to live together for a while to see how things went. But five years??? It’s time for your guy to decide. That’s just my opinion. Have you told him how you feel?
TV…. that must have been quite a mood you were in when you wrote the post.
I agree that I shake my head (larger of the two) too when I hear of so much infidelity.
Think about it though. We live in a society where there is very little social stigma or moral directing that would otherwise serve as barriers to stop many of us from boinking someone other than our spouse.
How much did Bill Clinton suffer for getting blown by M. Lewinski and then lying about it. What kind of messages do our leaders send us when they do stuff like this?
Then we are constantly bombarded with sexual enticement through advertising, entertainment, and internet. Porn is available at the click of a button on everyone’s computers.
So to me, it is no surprise that cheating is rampant. More than ever, we are fired up to do it and there are fewer and fewer consequences. Aside from Aids, herpes, and genital warts (ewww).
By and large, we as humans are less guided by what is right and wrong and more guided by consequence and how we will suffer if we choose a particular behaviour.
In the absence of consequence, it is not surprise to see behaviour rampant. Is it?
Ciao
Chaz
Thanks for your opinion of April 20, 2009. I totally agree with you. I ask him about committing to marriage and he said he wasn’t ready after five years he will never be ready. We have decided to go our separte was and I feel really good about this decision it’s time to move on.
Thanks again Linda
Chaz said it best… there is a total absence of consequences in today’s society. We’ve made it so terribly easy to divorce and end a marriage that it’s become a laughable “institution”.
I think you made the best decision to end things if what you wanted was marriage and committment. He obviously didn’t want or wasn’t ready for that, but is that a bad thing? I mean, at least he didn’t jump from one marriage to the next only to make the same mistakes.
What did he say was the reason his marriage ended? What was he changing about his own behavior to ensure that he didn’t do those same things with you? Those were the real questions he needed to answer.
That’s a bold move, Linda, but it sounds like you’ve made the right choice. So many guys are afraid of commitment. By staying with him, you’re only feeding his desire to have his cake and eat it too. I wish you the best of luck. I hope plenty of love comes your way.
I have really been thinking about this one a lot in the last few weeks. After the Tiger Woods thing this week, some of the comments were things like “this happens all the time. what’s the big deal”. In addition to all of the things that were mentioned in the other posts here, I think there is even another element. All of us here are evidence of it as well. The pain and turmoil that both sides go through is always done in private. No one ever really knows what this is like because we are all too embarrassed to have either done something so stupid or to have been made such a complete fool that we don’t tell anyone, except maybe very close confidants, how excruciating this experience is. Can you say that you would have inflicted this kind of pain on your spouses if you had known it was this bad? It is everywhere, and each person that is dealing with it in public always has a brave face about it.
It’s no big deal. It’s just a man. These are the things that you hear. But no one knows. I certainly didn’t know. I always swore to myself that I would never, ever stay with a cheater, and here I sit today staying with a man who cheated for nearly 4 years. I respect myself less for that. I feel like he has gotten away with it because I love him too much to leave. If more of us had the guts to leave and there were consequences for this behavior, maybe some would think before they went down this path.
Cecilia, you can still leave your husband. It’s never too late. I mean, that’s what people say to me when I complain how hellish my marriage has become. But we both know leaving is an option to be avoided, if possible. As much damage as affairs do, they don’t completely destroy the love we have for our spouses, and therefore, we should try to hang in there. I do not believe that more people would avoid having affairs if the consequences were more clearly laid out. I knew from the start what would happen if I got caught. But I couldn’t resist. Didn’t want to resist. Plus, like most cheaters, I was in a fog. I would not listen to common sense.
Tell me, Cecilia, why is the hurt still so pronounced after four years? At what point do you start getting over this? Just wondering.
The hurt is so pronounced after such a long time because it is kind of two revealings. I first found out about his affair February of 2006. At the time it was brand new and I caught it after only a week. We did most of the things that should be done to fix things. He cried, no, wept, that he was so sorry and that he was such a terrible person and so on. So we began working on our marriage, on the issues that we had that had led to the affair. Or so I thought. I found out in April of this year that he had never ended the affair. Brand new wounds and a ton more confusion. This was even worse than the first discovery as I found out I had been a complete idiot duped and lied to for nearly 4 years. I used to pride myself on my intelligence. Nothing so humbling as to find out how truly stupid a person can be, meaning myself, although he proved to be quite the moron himself.
As for when I start getting over this, I wish I knew. I hate this feeling and I don’t think it would be any better if I left. It’s about what he did, but it’s about what I let happen and I take me with me if I leave. I don’t know that I can ever forgive myself for being the kind of person that it was okay to cheat on, twice.
A visit this week to the monastery nearby, and it seems as though I might be able to forgive and move on. I’ve made the decision to do so. In a strange way, perhaps I am guilty of the same sins my husband is. I put another before the one I should have been loving first. I put my husband before my God, betrayed Him and justified my inaction toward Him. I don’t deserve God’s forgiveness for my sins and yet, He gives it before it is asked. In the light that my husband has ended the affair and said he’s sorry, repeatedly, even if he hasn’t truly confessed the depth of his betrayal, should I not be as generous as Christ has been for me? He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness, he owes me an explanation. But do I not stand on the same ground that he stands on when it comes to God? I don’t deserve forgiveness, either. I deserve Hell, which after living it the last few months, I don’t look forward to an eternity of.
I still find myself fighting with the argument that if I forgive him, isn’t he getting away with it? I suppose at this point, I have to leave that in God’s hands. I can’t stand the insanity anymore. I still have visions of them, I probably always will, but I seem, today, to be able to shake them off more quickly. I found myself pointing out to my husband today that he always sees what is broken and can never see what is good, what we have (in material things). I suppose I need to listen to myself and concentrate on what I do have and not what is broken.
My husband and I are not perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I know that sounds odd given what we’ve been through, but every one knows it, family, friends, me. The only one who has been too stupid to recognize it is my husband. He thinks he does now, but he still treats me like an accessory in his life.
I am trying to hold onto that thought… that we are perfect together. If only I can get past this hurting and anger, life could be really good. So I’m choosing to move on. I can’t say that I’m over it, just moving beyond it. He is a better person for having fucked up royally. I got the pain, shouldn’t I reap the benefits of a new and improved, more compassionate Handsome? Why should someone else get the nice husband when I got the mean one?
I’ve stuck this out for 13 years now. Our marriage has not been easy, but it could be now. He actually might have the capacity to appreciate me for once. So if I want to give it a try to have happiness, real happiness, I have to put this away, no matter how unjust it feels. Only God knows if I will be successful.
One of the books that I read at the monastery said that to forgive is to participate in a miracle. I think I’ve said that somewhere else, that for me to move on was going to take a miracle; I didn’t have the strength to let go of the pain. Maybe God has chosen to allow me to know His presence and allow me this miracle of forgiveness. Maybe I’m just having a good day and in three weeks I’ll be bitching about how I should be moving to the boat.
I’m doing my best to put God first in my life, because that seems to be the only time that I am happy and even really want to be with my husband.
So as for my long-winded response that rambled forever, when does one start to get over… that was the search that I used that led me to stumble on your site “How long does it take to get over an affair?”… I hope it’s now.