“Keep your chin up, soldier!” said the woman from Ohio. “You will get through this. It just takes time.”
“But how much time?” I asked the stranger. I was thankful for her comment on my blog, but wasn’t buying it.
Back then, I was suffering deeply from the loss of my so-called “other woman.” Our affair had ended, and OW was determined never to see or talk to me again. Goddamn, did it hurt! I thought I would die. Life, I was convinced, was over.
That was one year ago.
Guess what? A year later, I am a living, breathing, functioning adult with high hopes for the future. The old pain is gone. Well, mostly gone. When I do think about her, it’s with a rationale mind. I have regained control of my mind and heart. My heart is no longer hers, thank God.
Here’s what it took one year to realize:
First, affairs are reciprocal, which is a fancy way of saying “it takes two to tango.” Without full and active participation from both partners, it’s over. No matter what you had or thought you had, you will never have it again. Game over. Furthermore, the person who calls off the affair has effectively sent you a message. That is, you are not as special to them as they are to you. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but true.
Second, even if you were special, at least temporarily, society rejects the fuck out of adultery. Once the affair is revealed, people come out of the woodwork to shut it down. Quash it. Destroy it. A cheating spouse who “sits on the fence” over whether to continue the affair because they still have feelings for that person becomes the target of family intervention. Husbands, wives, in-laws, friends, even church pastors implore them not to continue, reminding them of their sacred vows. With that kind of pressure, you don’t stand a chance in hell.
Additionally (and I’ve written about this before), you come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is no longer actually that person. Their brain is re-wired. They’ve cast aside those old, forbidden thoughts. The very act of returning to one’s husband (or wife) is to abandon their former self. After a year, it occurs to you that if they were standing in front of you now, you wouldn’t have a damn thing to talk about. You’re the same, but they are different.
But are you really the same person?
Perhaps not.
I’ve learned so much about myself over the past year, which feels more like ten years. People who cheat on their spouses are forced to analyze every fiber of their being. What’s wrong with me? Am I a bad person? Was I destined to commit adultery as a child? Am I oversexed? Am I morally bankrupt? Do I find pleasure in destroying lives, including my own? I have answered ‘no’ to most of these questions, but can I trust myself to be honest? And the most painful question, why did my ex-lover cast me aside? She told me I was ‘beautiful.’ Was she lying?
I hate that my ex has bipolar disorder, not only for her sake, but for mine. It makes the most important questions surrounding my affair unanswerable, no matter what anyone says. People have affairs all the time, but the bipolar factor makes mine unique. How will I ever know –truly know– if she cared about me, or if her brain was just gushing chemicals? It’s taken me a year to realize she will never supply me with those answers.
One year is how long it takes to stop beating your head against the wall trying to make sense of things. That’s how long it takes to pick up and move on, and chalk up your affair to one of life’s great mysteries.
An unsolved mystery bathed in Depakote dreams.
48 Comments
June 5, 2009 at 9:27 am
Teev…. I don’t suppose I need share again the quote…
“A year of pain will teach us far more than a lifetime of comfort”.
Funny, I ask myself the same question a lot but in a different context… my divorce.
“How long does it take to get over a divorce”?
I am largely over it and happly remarried. Yet from time to time, I actually forget that this all happened. That my wife left me for another man who I knew. That they frolicked and played in the house that we built together and that I was paying for while we were separated and still married.
Yet she blames me for everything and resents me for having turned to booze and drugs.
After quite a number of years, I still sometimes forget (mentally and emotionally), that it all happened and that it will never come back.
The memories and pain never last long. I let them pass like a through-and-through bullet (which according to Eric Delco and Caleigh Duchesne on CSI, is far less lethal than a bullet that stays in your body).
I feel the pain and then let the wound close and heal. There is not getting around the pain when it hits. There are ways to avoid getting hit as often and ways to let the healing commence sooner. But pain continues to happen.
We simply cannot be intimate with someone, whether legitimately or not, then be torn away in an instant and not feel pain.
Unless of course we are a self-serving sociopath like…. hmm…. like…..now who can I use as an example…. Charles Manson? no, not evil enough….. Attila the Hun? no, still relatively tame….. oh ya! I have it….. My ex! Thats right, the former Mrs. Chaz! Only one as insidious as the former Bride of Chaz (aka, The Queen of Darkness) who is completely devoid of conscience would feel no loss, remorse, or regret for having terminated an intimate relationship in an instant and taken up with the next guy in a matter of days? weeks? we will never know.
I am sure I have proven that I still feel threads of confusion and pain woven in the fabric of my being. And this is after a freakin’ shit-load of counselling, reading, church, courses, and over 1,000 AA and NA meetings.
So ya, it hurts…. still. And it may continue to. I can’t see a way around it…. only through it.
But through it we can go…. with a little help from our friends and those who have travelled the path before us.
Ciao
Chaz
June 6, 2009 at 2:22 am
well then, tv… if your words are true i have exactly 4 months and 6 days until my one year mark. maybe at that point, the big pill thats hard to swallow will be just about out of my throat. although ive been feeling really good with things lately… i havent checked my ex’s wife’s facebook in over a week… and i feel like my life is falling into place piece by piece… did i mention i bought a house?! i close in july! im beyond excited for this chapter of my life to begin… i have found myself much more consumed with the house, building my life there, decorating, gardening, than thoughts of R… which is great.
i thought of you today- one of my favorite students was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i see him struggle so much. its nice to have a “diagnosis” for him… but i know it will be a tough road for him… and i was thinking that i hope he doesnt hurt anyone half as much as your ex hurt you.
June 7, 2009 at 12:36 am
MM, congrats on the house! And I’m very happy R has been an afterthought lately. I, too, have been busy with home and family. At times, I feel I’m neglecting this poor old blog because of it! Your comment has just given me an idea for a new blog post. You’ll know it when you see it.
P.S. Good luck with your bipolar student. If his parents need any advice on the condition, send ‘em my way! On second thought, better not.
June 8, 2009 at 6:57 am
I’m positive she cared, or maybe I’m lost in your story listening to country, his music, but I’m sure she cared and maybe a lot. Just ask her.
Sexy site.
June 8, 2009 at 7:01 am
Do you want it to remain unsolved? Is that your point? Or are you searching, as someone other than the face not your own for something else?
Are you really over her or did you even ever care? Just curious. Maybe you don’t know.
June 8, 2009 at 9:11 pm
nadamadison, thanks for your comment. These are some seriously deep questions, but good ones. My dilemma is this, and only this. How will I ever know if my former lover truly gave a shit about me, or whether she was acting manically as a result of her bipolar behavior. In other words, is a bipolar person responsible for their own actions? I can’t seem to resolve this in my mind.
June 9, 2009 at 1:01 am
TV-
i keep thinking about this now that im faced with a bipolar person. im sure there are various degrees of bipolar disorder… but there are points during the day where the person knows what they are doing/feeling/etc… thats at least what i experience with my student. how long was your affair again? i cant understand how she could have been out of TOTAL control for MULTIPLE choices made regarding you. i definitely think she had to feel something… and it was pretty deep. the more i think about i think that her bipolar disorder went into full gear AFTER the affair was discovered… correct? i just think that is fishy over all… which i believe ive said before. i see so much of myself in you because it seems to me we both struggle with the aftermath of our affairs more than anything. we both have ex’s who tossed us to the curb when we thought we were adored… and we both have ex’s who quickly ran back to their spouses and found jesus, mary, and joseph. your comment here makes me wonder though- if TV’s ex had bipolar disorder and blamed that on her behavior… then what did my ex have to blame? if bipolar disorder made TV’s ex treat him so poorly… so haphazardly… then whats R’s excuse for his horrible treatment of me in the aftermath of what was, what seemed, a irreplaceable love for 2.5 years?
June 9, 2009 at 7:45 am
Teev and MFM… mind if I jump in?
Something stands out to me from your dialogue about the materializing of BiPolar in your ex’s. I am of the understanding that Bi Polar and other mood disorders can intensify under duress. I am speaking way out of my scope of knowledge here so bear with me.
I am however quite experienced at observing behaviour of those of us in crisis. And for any of us, if there is even a slight opportunity to off-load behaviour that we regret or are ashamed of on something as “excusable” as a medical condition, our subconscious will seek this out like a magnate.
The potential for self-deception when faced with a fact that we cannot bear is tremendous. This is a depth of denial soo deep and powerful that I believe we can trigger or pseudo-trigger ailments whether mental or physical to appease our own inability to accept the mountainous regret.
It can be denial at its most cunning. The temptation to file the behaviour in the illness drawer is just too sweet. Then perhaps along comes a trusted ‘expert’ and validates the diagnosis.
Perhaps you are seeing ‘the deeper the denial the greater the manifestation of bi-polar symptoms’?
In any case, I think it begs the question.
Simply the observations of a vetran of chaos standing on the sidelines.
Ciao.
Chaz
June 9, 2009 at 8:09 am
I guess I feel at a loss for words right now, and quite sick. I really can’t elaborate, maybe you know. I understand it now, and I’ve always been sorry, but never would I kill someone with such kindness, “slowly, and painfully.”
Pardon my comment. I’m again wordless, and in shock.
Bravo.
June 9, 2009 at 10:51 am
Okay.
What I’d like to say is I’ve learned from my destructive behaviors, and I admit that I may have romanticized a post of mine relating to ‘hyper sexual’ or let’s just say pure promiscuity. Bipolar or not, I probably would’ve done it, maybe?
The point is I would end a relationship before I engaged with another man in the future, I feel I’ve hurt too many people who I truly cared for, but I also had feelings for the others. And that’s the truth, I hate oppressing that. Though I should add, the feelings may have sprung more from lust than love, but maybe if it wasn’t just a lover that passed by, I would have loved him, too.
Maybe I crave the uniqueness in people and love what they bring to my shy world, however, often it can be inappropriate as I’m usually in a relationship that is serious.
Call me crazy but I had the idea of the ultimate revenge impressed upon me by a group of men who had HIV and hated girls like me who they perceived to be—fill in the blanks. Anyway, they plot my death and make their moves, knowing, and me, not. That’s not right.
Did it happen? Maybe? I don’t have HIV. Just a crazy theory involving my conscious mind and the colorful world that sometimes I’m prone to love.
Last note, if someone or group were to create such a ‘ring of hatred and mass destruction’ I think that would not be very cool.
But I forgive them.
June 9, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Chaz-
“the deeper the denial the greater the manifestation of bi-polar symptoms” is pretty accurate for what i was trying to point out… i guess TV only knows because he experienced it- but from my interaction on this blog it seems like the bipolar didnt come out until the aftermath. which, as you point out, is when the duress came about. so i guess i am trying to suggest that if it didnt come about until then… then perhaps the experience TV had before then was unaffected by the bipolar disorder… it just wasnt until her guilt kicked in that the bipolar kicked on and she felt the need to run.
June 9, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Misfit, I understand your pain-level much better now that I know it’s only been eight months since your break-up. The wounds are still fairly fresh after 8 months. So you’ll know, my affair was in 2007. The summer of ‘07 was the highly sexual phase, but we were ‘emotionally-joined’ for several months leading up to that. We even remained emotional for several months after we stopped sleeping together; after she told her husband and things started going to shit. I was psychologically hooked on my OW, sex or no sex. I agree with your assessment about OW’s bipolar condition. She had to have felt something for me. There’s no other explanation for her behavior. But I keep going back and forth on the issue of what came first: Her feelings for me, or the manifestation of her bipolar symptoms. It’s a “chicken and egg” conundrum.
Chaz, I will make a confession. My former OW has never actually blamed her affair with me on bipolar disorder. At least I’ve never heard her use it as an excuse. I know I’ve made many references to the fact that she did. I’ve always just assumed she used it as an excuse, because I sure as hell would if it were me. This much is true: Once she was diagnosed and given a heavy dose of medication, her personality changed. She didn’t miss me. She didn’t question things. She didn’t seek out answers. It’s as though someone ‘flipped a switch’ in her brain. Suddenly, she was cold and unfeeling…180-degrees different from the person I knew. It was the freakiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen! I will add this: She was never the type who could bear the weight of lies associated with an affair. I should of seen that earlier, but didn’t, because I was blinded by my own selfish desires. Affairs require a tremendous amount of fortitude. It’s not easy to live with one’s self while perpetuating lies. Sometimes I questioned whether I was even capable of continuing. But where there’s a will, the devil makes a way. Not for her. She buckled. The guilt caught up with her. She came clean, and I’ve blamed her for it ever since.
Nada, I’m trying to wrap my mind around your comments, but am having difficulty doing so. Are you saying that your mania from bipolar disorder prevents you from staying faithful to one person? Or are you saying that it creates lust or hyper-sexuality, and therefore, your feelings for someone are never genuine? You said that while you’re most often in a ’serious’ relationship, you also have feelings of love for other partners. What does that mean exactly? And do these feelings stem from your bipolar disorder? Just trying to understand it, is all.
June 10, 2009 at 4:48 am
i sometimes wish i had a chicken and an egg sydrome to deal with… i just have a 2.5 years of what i thought was love followed by standing by myself on a curb in the pouring rain. of course, there were some explainations- but considering my circumstances- none i could believe.
your comment to chaz about affairs and fortitude… boy, are you right. that is one positive for me- that i can look back on it and know i have the fortitude- but that i can manifest it into something different now.
ps- i caved and checked R’s wife’s facebook. grr… but you should know they didnt go to church this week because apparently they had to make a trip to lowes instead… to build something for their son. perhaps jesus isnt as forefront anymore… who knows. but im feeling a little knocked off my high kick of feeling good after reading that. but i suppose its all self-inflicted.
June 13, 2009 at 9:51 am
Honestly, I can’t quite answer whether manias/bipolar prevents me from being faithful, in my head and heart. I have full days, but maybe I’m the one telling the truth here. Maybe no one is lying either.
What I am saying is I have caused a lot of pain due to cheating, and I would approach the situation differently, depending on the ‘dynamics.’ Or varialble(s).
I’m not saying anything creates lust other than myself, and that maybe some lusts would have been love had they flourished. I’ve had one affair/cheating/game where the lust was felt strongly, abnormally so.
As per my stating I’ve been in serious relationships, yes I have. Have I also felt in love with another. Yes. What does that mean? Nothing. The other ‘guy’ I was in love with, let’s call him Dallas, I will never see again, and he was hired by my boyfriend to test me. I don’t like being an experiment. In spite of it all, I don’t care WHO knows, I wish to hear from him, to see him, to believe. See there I go in a fairytale lustfull land of BS.
I don’t believe my feelings have stemmed from having bipolar, that would make all my feelings subject to being because of bipolar. And if they are, fine, they’re as real as bipolar, assuming I am.
I don’t know where we’re going with this, but you had me at Nada,….does that tell you anything? I live in a dreamworld, and Dallas was just part.
Bottomline, how long does it take to get over an ‘affair?’ Truth, I was the wrong person to answer your question because I wouldn’t know, when you find out, let me know.
Beautiful Latino picture you’ve used. BTW.
-Mea Nada Madison
Or not. The scarlett letter she bourne.
June 13, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Nada, I think we all live in a dreamworld to a point. It’s hard to know what’s real and what isn’t sometimes. I ask myself this: Which part of my life is a dream? Am I a boring, middle-aged guy who’s created a fantasy for himself by having an affair and maintaining a blog like this? Or is this the real me and the boring life I lead is the real fantasy? I feel like I’m living in the Matrix or something. I’m glad to hear your bipolar condition doesn’t rule your behavior. I would rather know that your lust is driven by lust, and not a stream of manic-depressive chemicals in your head. The more I think about my ex-lover, and I can only conclude that she is a liar. She lied to me, and she lies to herself. People like that will screw you everytime.
June 13, 2009 at 9:47 pm
TVexplorer Dean;
Well put/addressed.
Yes it’s true lust, mine is at least.
And liars do screw people up, I agree. Thanks for adding me, and the red carpet is rolled para tu tambien.
Spanglish in the mornings.
Adios.
Until next time…
Nada
P.S. I tested the comments, they’re working. Maybe I’m the one in the damn Matrix here!
June 18, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Hi,
New to you blog, but in search of answers.
Was having an affair and she ended it yesterday.
My life as I knew it is over, for sure. I hear that one year and it will be over, but we work aat the same place. I would love to stop communication completely, but will not be able to due to work.
To say the least, my heart is broken beyond repair – i’ve never loved someone so much.
Any advise?
June 18, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Hi, new to your blog. I’m looking for answers. My lover just ended our affair yesterday. Needless to say my heart is broken and I feel as if life came to an end.
Funny thing is, we did not really have a sexual relationship, but my thought was that we offered each other the support that so desparetely lacked in our relationships.
I even thought that we would end up being in a proper relationship and continue to make each other happy for ever.
So many things was said that gave me this impression that I almost ended my relationship. Thank God I didn’t because I would have lost a loving partner and lover at the same time – on the same day…
I know that I need to move on. I know that I need to find a way to get over it. My problem however: We work together! I would love to grieve, break all communication, find other interests and keep my mind occupied, but I just can not due to the work relationship.
I do feel like I’m a bad person. How could I have let things get so out of hand. How can I forgive myself. How could I have trusted someone with my heart so completely. I’m shattered and broken.
Some words of wisdom?
June 22, 2009 at 11:32 pm
I appreciate your comment. So sorry your world has been shattered. As trite as it sounds, only time will be able to heal what you’re feeling. It sounds like you’re in the why-why-why stage. That’s the toughest part of the breakup, and believe me, those answers don’t come easy, if they ever come at all. Tell me, are you married? Is your ex-married? Why did you ex end it? And how long did your relationship last? It sucks that you still work with this person. I can’t even begin to imagine what that’s like. From what little I know about you, I can say this with 100% certainty. You are NOT a bad person. You are simply human. How could you have things get so out of hand? If you figure that one out, PLEASE let me know. How could you have trusted someone so completely? Because you believed that people are basically trustworthy when they’re not. Hang in there. You will survive this.
June 23, 2009 at 10:08 am
Hi TVEx, thank you for your words of encouragement. I’m not married, but in a 8 year relationship. My ex is also in a relationship of about 7 to 8 years. Although I can complain about my relationship, I can even more about my ex’s relationship. Her partner use abusive language to break her down and make her feel unworthy. And maybe thats the part I just don’t get – why stay with someone who treat you like dirt. Anyway, I’m definitely in the why why why stage and suspect that I’ll be there for some time. I keep thinking of the things that was said that gave me the idea that maybe our “affair” could become more… Don’t know if you know The Invitation of Oriah Mountain Dreamer. She writes: “I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefor trustworthy.” Now, if that does not give the impression that betrayal was expected of me, then I don’t know. Whatever the case may be, I have an endless feeling of nothingness – lets hope time heals all.
June 24, 2009 at 6:27 am
TV,
Your blog is always a good read and very thought provoking. I like the sexy pics, too. I think that your former lover truly cared about you. The bipolar diagnosis doesn’t explain the connection you felt. Just my two cents.
June 28, 2009 at 12:20 am
Thanks Moody, and sorry for the late reply. I’m just back from my beach vacation. Common sense says she must’ve felt something for me, but when the bipolar hit, it was like someone flipped a switch in her brain. Oh well. Shit happens.
June 28, 2009 at 12:25 am
Sorry for the late reply to your last comment. I have not read The Invitation of Oriah Mountain Dreamer, but it sounds interesting. You raise a good question: Why do people stay with partners who treat them like shit? Equal to that, why do people stay married to spouses who are painfully dull and unfulfilling? I believe it’s because of the familiarity and the security-factor. It takes a bold man or woman to “put themselves out there” and take a chance on something new.
I hope you’re hanging in there.
June 28, 2009 at 4:08 am
I think your right TVexplorer. I recently posted a blog about dating and identity, and while doing some research, I came across a video, which I didn’t post, but her last line was, and not in these exact words, if you take the past 6 months of your relationship and evaluate them, would you want to relive those 6 months for the rest of your life? If not then things are over.
I think we know relationships are over some times, but we find it too difficult to break free. It takes a strong woman to do so too. How can we leave something/someone we know so well, and may be painfully comfortable? Tough one.
June 29, 2009 at 5:43 am
Nada Madison, your comment is one of the most powerful I’ve ever read. It completely sums up my feelings and thoughts. I’d love to see the video you mentioned. Thanks for giving me something deep to think about.
June 29, 2009 at 8:48 am
I’ll check for the video and get back to you. Glad her words of advice moved someone else, too. The words rings through the ears, but still we remain…
July 9, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I think I made a mistake today. Went for coffee with ex… heard her talking about not being happy, seeing her partner as a friend and not being attracted to her partner. Not being sexually fulfilled or fulfilling her partners sexual needs. Not being sure if she’s being fair towards her partner because she’s not sure if it is what she wants. Her partner is suffering from a rare illness that affects eyesight. She feels that she needs to be there and take care of her partner. Thats all fine with me and I admire her qualities, but surely we all want to be happy, feel loved and secure.
And there’s me thinking – I may just have a chance. I shouldn’t have gone out with her, now all progress I made to get over the heartache is lost and I need to start over again… The slightest glimpse of hope and I’m crazy about her all over again. Should I confront my ex and ask straight forward questions of what she wants from me? OR do I keep on living for those little stolen times when I can be with her and at least be in her company, smell her perfume, look at her beauty and steal soft touches when I open the car door for her? Should I stop talking about my views and just be a ‘good old pal’? This is all becoming too difficult to handle. It is no easy task to love someone you don’t and not love someone you do…
July 10, 2009 at 2:20 am
Good to hear from you again. I will tell you right now that you are crazy in love with this woman. I can hear it in your words. “Smell her perfume, look at her beauty and steal soft touches.”
Wow! You’ve got the jungle fever, my brother. But that’s okay. I’ve had the fever too. I know exactly what you’re saying about the influence this woman has on you. Does she know how you feel? Has she flatly told you there is no possibility of a future together? If so, you’re torturing yourself by having coffee with her or doing anything else with her. Believe me, those “glimpses of hope” that never materialize get old. They tear a man down before he realizes it. They cause him to waste years of his life on false hope, only to wake up one day and realize he will never get that time back. What I’m saying is, I would tell her how you feel. And tell her you don’t give a flying fuck about blind boy. (Maybe not in those words.) You’re the one who can make her dreams come true. And with you, there’ll be no more talk about not being sexually fulfilled. If she says she’s flattered, but is obligated to stay with her boyfriend, I would tell her your coffee drinking days are over. That’s harsh, I know, but it’s the conclusion you will eventually reach on your own. We all do. We just can’t see it at first.
July 11, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Do you love her or not? YOu know the feeling…Do you love her or not? If so, yes, I think you should, if not, than no. Simple.
Truly,
Mea Nada Madison
http://www.jadecommunique.com
August 13, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Wow, just stumbled upon this blog. Man, can I hear what you’re all saying. Here’s my story (in progress):
As of last summer I had been married for many years. There’s a woman in my building who I work with now and then, and we became pretty good friends. I was always attacted to her emotionally and physically, but never approached her that way because I figured I stood no chance (everyone in the building thinks she’s an awesome person plus really hot too – why would she want me?) I have actually hit on other women now and then many years back, but nothing ever came of it (I had never been with any woman but my wife). I never hit on this woman, maybe because we were friends and I didn’t see her as just a sex object. My marriage was o.k. – nothing horrible but nothing exciting either; that’s the way it is after so many years and you get into the doldrums of the day-to-day (over the last year, I can’t think of a man my age who hasn’t been in the news for having an affair!)
Her husband decided to leave her, and we had a lot of personal conversations – as really good friends and confidants – and then one thing led to the next and we had a great affair last summer. From the beginning we said it would be a summer fling – we would share that time together as lovers, but then move on with our lives as friends. We would give each other what we wanted and needed – security, love, illicit passion, experiences that we never had before – but with the realization that neither of us wanted my family torn apart, and there was no way we would end up together (how could we keep our jobs if we lost the respect of everyone in the organization?) We would then have a “normal” friendship, but always be able to remember our special time together – that secret bond.
Well, summer dragged on, and the relationship didn’t end until she ended it when she started dating someone else in the late fall. I always told her that when she found someone good, she should go on, because I couldn’t be everything she needed and deserved. But I was not at all prepared for how unbelievably painful it was going to be. The sex ended, and in some ways that wasn’t the hardest part. The emotional stuff has ended, despite my trying so hard to keep that going, and it still hurts me so much, every day, now 9 months later. I feel like if I had my way, we’d still have coffee together a few times a week, spending 30 minutes looking into each other’s eyes and telling each other how much we mean to each other. I wish we could still “steal those little touches” that we used to do on an empty elevator. I wish we could sit in her house and talk for a few hours. I still want to be with her so much; I could just sit on a park bench with her all day and talk and be together, and I would be so happy – but none of this is a “normal” friendship between a single woman and a married man, and she’s resolute that this part of the relationship is over too.
My marriage is still o.k. – maybe in some ways I’ve come to appreciate my wife more, and I feel more dedicated to do my best for my family because of my transgression (even though no one knows about it except one person I told). My wife knows I’m having a midlife crisis (work, etc.) and has been supportive and given me space when I need it, and given me closeness when I needed that too.
My point (to the others who have written, and I’m sure I’ll write more later too) is that I had the best of both worlds, and now some of that is gone. I do think that I had more invested in the affair than she did, and she’s obviously moved on from it better than I have. I never did feel like it had to end because I was getting everything I wanted; she obviously wasn’t (I understand that in my head, but it doesn’t mean my heart has accepted). When I see her around work, I’m torn. Part of me wants to find ways to “bump” into her as much as possible. Part of me thinks we should never see or talk to each other again (one time when I was in real trouble I talked to a friend who said that there was NO WAY we should try to continue any kind of friendship, and half the time I see that she’s right but the other half of the time I think I’d die if I never got to see her again).
It’s 9 months, and I still haven’t figured out what to do. I’m on a roller coaster, and there have been times over the last 9 months that it seemed like it was going to be o.k. – we were going to have a friendship that was going to make us both happy, but then sometimes I tell her that I can’t live without being emotionally closer to her than “normal” friends, and other times I’ve told her I never want to see or hear from her again. She’s put up with the mood swings, but maybe at some point she wont.
I’m seeing a friend this weekend – he and his wife were separated for a while many years back, and then right when they reunited they moved about 1000 miles. I’ve never discussed this with them, but now I’m really suspicious that he had an affair, and after they repaired the marriage they moved to get away from the other woman. I’m going to ask him about this, and if I’m right, maybe I can get some insight about how you stop loving someone you’re not supposed to.
August 14, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Hurting Too, thanks for your comment, and welcome to the fiery flames of hell. I strongly recommend you ask this friend of yours if he had an affair, so you can have someone to talk to one-on-one. I, too, know a guy who had an affair, and his advice to me has been worth it’s weight in gold.
As I tell everyone, you are damn lucky that your affair remains a secret. Mere words cannot describe the devastation that occurs when affairs are exposed. So at least you have that going for you. I’m glad to hear you are dedicated to doing your best for your family, all things considered. Family members are innocent victims. They trust you completely, and probably don’t think you’re capable of doing what you’ve done. You want to keep it this way. Nothing hurts more than losing the respect of people who truly love you. You do NOT EVER want to see that look of hurt on their faces. Talk about staring into the flames of hell!
I hear what you’re saying about “just having coffee” a few times a week, but you know and I know that’s not possible. The only way to end your emotional connection is to never have contact with her again. I know that’s not what you want. But you have to do the math on this one. You’re married, she’s single, and that’s a fact. In her eyes, there is no future with you. I promise you will start to feel better in time. You will begin to let go of the idea that you can go back in time and do it all over again. Affairs are just a whisper in time. They begin and they end. But endings are hard.
Hang in there.
October 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I appreciate the candor that you all speak with and am hopeful that perhaps you may be able to help me with a few answers myself. My husband had an affair 3 1/2 years ago that was very brief, or so I thought. In April I found out that he never ended the relationship. We are in counseling and trying to mend our marriage, but he is so very reluctant to talk about what he really felt or did. I am so very confused and my entire being has been shattered into shards that I don’t think will ever go back together.
I so very much want to talk to his girlfriend, but he has managed to scare her with some of the same lies that he has told me. I am not seeking to judge my husband, his girlfriend or anyone. I just want to eliminate this overwhelming confusion and no one wants to answer any questions. If you could, please tell me what it was that made you comfortable with being the other person. How is it that you were content with being second? Or was the other person’s spouse actually the second? What did your partner tell you that made you hang on? And what did you tell yourself that made you feel that the pain of the partner’s spouse was worth your feelings. I couldn’t be here if I knew I wasn’t the only one. She knew at every conversation, every encounter, that his love for her was not complete because at every step, she knew he would always come home to me, on time. I didn’t have that luxury. If I had known about her, I wouldn’t have stayed. How is that okay for you? To know that the one who loves you, doesn’t do it fully? That their commitment and capacity for you is limited?
One of the other things that I struggle with is her love for him. Her love had the extreme possibility of costing him everything. If I weren’t a Christian woman, he would have never gotten a second chance, let alone a third. This is my own stupidity, but for her, how could she truly love him if she was willing to cause him so much pain and devastation in his life? If I had left, and the possibility still hangs in the air, he would have lost every material thing that he owned, the respect of his own child (possibly his child, as she probably would have chosen to go with me). She was willing to take that from him. Why?
For him, I am still struggling to learn if his behavior was a function of true emotions or a sexual addiction. He tells me he didn’t love her, but I have e-mails that tell me he told her he did. He is unwilling to face the reality of his behavior and truly figure out what caused him to act to destructively. He was also dealing with a certain amount of clinical depression, which is one reason why I feel like I have to follow the therapy through to the end. Whatever happens between him and I, I need my daughter’s father to be healthy. This played a huge part in his behavior, but does it preclude that he didn’t have true feelings for this person?
I’ve always had the philosophy that you can’t love two people, romantically. So then I wonder if he truly ever loved me if he could love her, or if his “love” for her was something else… addiction, lust?
I have come to realize that the pain that I suffer is not alone. I realize that she has been hurt, too. Although I also feel that she at least had the choice in her pain. I didn’t. I just want to understand them both so that I can move on to something else. If I have offended, I apologize. I am just desperately seeking answers.
October 5, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Cecilia, thanks for your comment. As you can see, I’ve rambled on quite a bit on this blog. I am now two years out from the ending of my affair. Unlike your husband’s, my physical affair last three months. The emotional part of it lasted about one year. Maybe more, depending on how you measure it, but that’s another discussion.
I am glad to hear that you and your husband are in therapy. Therapy is good, although it is painful. (At least, I think so.) I am not surprised that your husband refuses to ‘open up’ about the details of his affair, particularly where the emotional involvement was concerned. Men put up walls. You’ve heard that before. I believe it to be true. To this day, I don’t like discussing my affair with my wife. It just doesn’t “feel right.” She’s too critical, and too quick to want to throw in the towel on our marriage. So I try the best I can to minimize any discussion of my feelings toward my ex-lover. The bottom line is, I fell in love with her, and my wife knows it. That’s VERY hard to talk about.
You have raised many questions in your comment. Not sure I can answer all of them, or am even qualified to answer them. Without knowing more about your husband’s specific situation, I do NOT believe his affair was due to a sexual addiction. That’s bullshit propaganda that therapists and betrayed spouses latch onto. I believe your husband fell for her emotionally, given the length of time his affair lasted. As far as your questions about his ex-lover “risking your husband’s job, family, etc.,” you’re trying to add common sense to the equation. That’s what my wife did. In other words, if 2 + 2 = 4, why would a person give an answer of 5? Listen, the fact is this: When people get caught up in emotional affairs, they don’t do things based on common sense. That goes for your husband’s ex-lover as well. She wanted him. Probably loved him. End of discussion. People in that situation do ANYTHING to keep it going. I hear the same questions from my wife. Why was I willing to throw my job and family away? The truth is, I wasn’t thinking about it in those terms. I just wanted to be with my ex-lover. Period.
What would you ask your husband’s girlfriend if you could? What would be accomplished in such a conversation? Would you ask her why? If so, what do you expect her to say to that? And do you think she would be completely honest in anything she said to you? I believe this desire you have to speak to her is also common. Just don’t expect the truth if you DO speak to her. OR….if she does tell the truth, brace yourself for its impact. In other words, are you sure you WANT to know the truth?
I believe your philosophy that people aren’t capable of loving two people at the same time is wrong. I never stopped loving my wife during my affair. She doesn’t believe this, but it’s true. I loved her AND I loved my “other woman.” Others will debate this, but I know how I felt. I would have been perfectly content continuing my affair, and doling out love for both women in my life. I’m not saying this is right or even socially acceptable. It’s just how I felt. At the time.
Feel free to ask as many questions as you want here. There are plenty of women who stop by who have good perspectives on this. You’re not the only betrayed spouse who comes here. But I will tell you this: A lot of things are said on this blog that may not be popular. But it’s the truth.
October 9, 2009 at 4:16 am
Thank you very much for your response. This site has been helping me understand things that I have tried to decipher for years now.
I was wondering, though, in being able to love the two different people, were you able to separate the two. Did you think about one when you were with the other? Or were you able to compartmentalize your feelings? Did you stop loving your wife when you were with OW? or vice versa? I can’t imagine my thoughts being about any other person than my husband, so this concept of loving two people at the same time is so very confusing. Was your time with your wife fully hers and your time with the OW fully void of your wife?
I feel as though the last 3.5 years of my life are completely fantasy. Obviously, there was no true love between him and I, but is any part of the life he and I shared real? Or was it just him going through the motions of life because he didn’t want to upset the apple cart?
I realize you can’t answer for him, but he doesn’t answer for him either and I have to understand this somehow. The lack of understanding and confusion is literally driving me insane. I can deal with what I know, I can’t deal with shadows. I am a person of logic and a problem solver at heart. I find that I am not able to just leave this all hanging in the air unless I get answers.
As for his girlfriend, no I don’t think she would be honest with me. I just wish she would. I am beginning to think that I am the only one who values total honesty. As for if she would tell me the truth, do I want it? More than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. No matter how much it hurts. Pieces have to fit together in my world, and right now they don’t. My head is constantly replaying my life trying to figure out what is real and what is not. Even when I distract myself, sometimes even successfully, the smallest little thing can trigger a question or a thought. I just need to understand. That’s who I am and even though I’ve tried to run away from that, I can’t.
October 9, 2009 at 5:19 am
Cecilia,
What I’m going to write, you have to take as my opinion and my feelings. I’ve expressed it elsewhere, and gotten severly bashed for it, but here goes.
I truly believe that I was (and am) completely in love with two women at the same time. I feel that I love my wife. I feel that I love my ex-affair partner. Many (most?) would say that if I truly loved my wife, I’d love her with my whole heart, and there couldn’t possibly be space for anyone else in there, and it would have been impossible to fall in love with someone else at the same time. Maybe they are right, but I’m certainly not the only man to experience this phenomenon (ask the owner of this blog, or Mark Sanford). Everyone ridiculed Governor Sanford so badly, but truth is, as he went through the revelation of his affair, and talked about how he felt about this other woman, I just sat there silently thinking “I know EXACTLY how this man feels.”
Obviously it is possible to love two different people completely – sequentially (e.g. after your first spouse dies). No one questions when you fall in love with another and re-marry. Can this happen when the first person you love is still there? I do believe so, and it isn’t easy on the one with these feelings.
I know that I’ve hurt my wife and family, even though they don’t know anything about my affair (that ended 10 months ago). I wish I had someone to talk to about how hurt and confused I am too, because I know I wasn’t “supposed” to be able to fall in love with someone else, but I did. I really did.
I found my way to totally psychologically split my two lives. My affair partner even described it as “my real world” and my “fantasy universe”. I visited my fantasy universe, and while there was leaving my real world behind. Then, when the few hours had passed, I returned to the real world, which I didn’t despise, but which was of course different than the other world. I can honestly say that while I juggled the two, I spent little to no time thinking about the other world when I was in one. How could I? This is going to sound despicable – but one night I made love to my other woman, and never once thought of my wife, then I returned home and did the same, never thinking of my other woman. This was a coping or defense (or denial) mechanism that worked, and still does in a way. I choose to believe that the person sleeping with her was “the other me” not the “me-me.”
What I did was wrong; it was bad; but I still hope to believe that I am not a bad person. I experienced feelings that I had never felt before, and I didn’t handle them the right way. I hope I’ve learned a lot from this, and never will repeat it again.
I hope this answers some of your questions. I will keep writing in to see if I can make more sense, but maybe there’s no way to make sense of why one cheats on someone they feel they still love. I don’t claim to have figured this all out – even 17 months from the start and 10 months from the end of my affair.
October 9, 2009 at 7:18 am
You have helped me, in a way, to know that perhaps some of the moments that were mine were truly mine and didn’t have some aspect of an invisible third person I had no idea of. The part that I think that only he can answer is the many, many text and e-mails that existed when he was at home or with me. In a way, though, I had hoped that I had somehow been a part of his life with her. Maybe that’s sick, but it hurts to know that he was able to complete block me from his mind and heart. That I was so inconsequential to him that I could be forgotten.
October 9, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Your last sentence really drives home the point in a way I honestly hadn’t thought of. While I said that my mechanism / method of denial / justification / excuse was that there were “two of me” and that it was really the other me going to a fantasy place that really didn’t exist, this obviously required that I had to intermittently temporarily “forget” about the real world, and that is unforgiveable.
While I can say that I fell in love when I shouldn’t have (and one could argue all sorts of angles on that), and that I became overwhelmed with what I was feeling (again, lots of analysis can go there), and that I lost control of my actions (more controversy), what is incontrovertable is that the only way I could have done this is by making my wife inconsequential while I was with my other woman. I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain, and that I was able to do this (for whatever reasons) to my wife.
You have opened my eyes in a new way.
For all of us wayward spouses, I’m sorry, cecilia.
October 9, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Hurting too-
Your perspective, like TV’s is so very helpful. May I ask why your relationship with your OW ended?
And while it was wrong, and it is heartbreaking to hurt your wife (and you too, Cecelia) – I must also say (from my perspective) that your OW probably loved you unconditionally, with all her heart and is now feeling the pain of a thousand deaths…..and though she’d never contact you again she’ll ALWAYS love you – such is life……
October 9, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Hello, all.
Hurting Too- I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes being here, I feel that I am getting the truth that I would probably be getting from my husband if he were able to admit the whole truth to me. To be honest, I would have a very hard time hearing from him that he was in love with his OW. He told me in the beginning stages that he was in love with her and was leaving me for her. Now, after deciding that that may not be the best idea, he says that he never thinks about her and it was the most fucked up thing he ever did. Do I believe this part of it- that he never thought about her again and wishes she would disappear? Not sure. If I decide to leave this marriage (not completely convinced I can deal over the long-term), will he look her up again? Probably. Do I really want to hear this from him? In a way- but I don’t think reconciliation is viable with this being discussed. Who can take that?
Cecilia,
I am also the betrayed wife. I come to this site to hear the honest truth from Tv and other men who screwed around and fell in love. I hear the truth from them. I like to hear their honest thoughts, but don’t think my marriage could survive these kinds of discussions with my husband. I have a choice. I can either hear the truth from these guys and try to process it, or pretend that my husband doesn’t have any of these feelings. He MUST have been in love with her in order to risk his family. He is not a sex-addict and I don’t think most people are. This sounds like bullshit to me. Another psychological label to explain weakness. There is such a thing as just plain weak. Maybe our husbands fucked up royally. It may be that simple. That’s what I try to believe. Yeah, the heart break may end up ruining things for me eventually, but I may be able to muddle through. Right now, I have a 13 year old daughter to think about. I am hanging around for her right now. It’s worth it.
October 10, 2009 at 1:35 am
Michelle – My affair ended because my OW (who was recently divorced) met a single man she wanted to date. At the start of our affair we both said it wasn’t going to be forever – we’d take a chance to express our love for each other, live in our fantasy world for a little while, but eventually we’d both have to get back to reality – meaning I had a wife and family, and she needed to be with someone who could be 100% hers. When she bumped into a really great guy, she called it off with me immediately. It hurt, because we both acknowledge that “if things were different” we’d be together, but we just can’t be. If anything, I felt a lot more pain because I had the best of both worlds (since we weren’t caught), and I lost some of that, but she “moved on” and I hadn’t (or am still trying to).
Robin – the typical article in a magazine says “women have affairs for love/emotion. men have affairs for sex.” I think that’s bull. Maybe if he picks up a hooker when he’s at a conference somewhere, that’s only about sex, but when it’s with someone he knows first, and it goes on (for weeks, months) it is about emotion. I’d put $100 down that any man in this situation is “in love” (or certainly feels that way) with the OW. Maybe he never thinks about her anymore (I still think about my OW when I’m alone somewhere sometimes – though it is fading), but all our life experiences remain a part of us forever. The trick (I hope) is taking a really bad decision/situation and turning it into something that teaches us, grows us, and helps us be better as we go forward. I hope I can do that, and I hope your husbands can too.
October 10, 2009 at 3:06 am
You know what, Hurting Too? I think you’re right. I think, moving forward that my husband has/will grow from this experience. I think he will never cheat again. I think he will be clear, in the future, that if he starts talking it up with another woman, if he starts confiding in her, if he starts thinking about her outside of work, that he is on a slippery slope and will recognize it for what it is- the beginnings of an affair. I think it will help HIM to grow as he moves forward. He understands, now the ramifications of deceit and lying. Listen, this was the last guy in the world that I, or anyone else who knows him, would EVER have expected to pull this shit. I think it can happen to anyone. The only ones who can ever really understand how devastating it is to fuck around are the ones who have. I’m talking about the good guys here, not the serial affair types or pussy-hounds who are always sniffing around. There ARE good guys out there who make this kind of HUGE mistake. Even if my marriage fails, I would never be the woman to bad-mouth my husband. He was and is a good guy who made a mistake.
Unfortunately, the one who will not benefit in any of the ways you have described is the cheated-on spouse. I have not grown, learned or improved in any way. I have been left to deal with this pile of shit. Those women who say that their marriages have improved after their husbands’ affairs are fucking liars. They are shoving shit down, putting it in the baggage compartment and sucking it up. There is only a certain type of woman that can do this. How do you get past being left behind, having your heart torn out, humiliation, and fear? I am a strong woman who has dealt with my share of life’s difficulties. I have never felt like anything could win over me. Until now. How have I benefitted. Yeah, I try to tell myself that all the psychobabble bullshit is true, but deep down, I am too smart to buy it. Please, don’t EVER tell your wife. I know, in the past, on this site I have argued the point that you do have to tell. I have changed my mind. I wish I never knew. To say that I would rather have had my husband die is true. That would have been an easier scenario for me. If you love your wife, Hurting Too, don’t ever tell. Just decide now to love her more than yourself and start making it up to her. She will be so delighted with the attention from you that your marriage will improve. Don’t pur it on too heavy, though. She will become suspicious and sniff you out. Good Luck!
October 18, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Hurting Too, I’m am terribly late on responding to your comment, but have always intended to do so. Quite simply, your comment is brilliant, and strikes at the heart and true nature of every cheating man. (At least, those who have engaged in an emotional affair.) I know EXACTLY what you’re saying about the ability to love two women at once. Betrayed spouses don’t believe this, but you and I know it’s true. Also, your comment about Governor Mark Sanford is dead on. I, too, knew exactly how he felt when he was yammering on about his affair. Unfortunately for him, as a public official, he didn’t have the good sense to keep his mouth shut.
Keep the good comments coming!
October 23, 2009 at 7:52 pm
My wife found out about my affair back in May. I’m still living with her, and she has all but forgiven me for whatever reason, or as Robin mentioned, shoved it down as much as possible. On top of this, I was laid off from a good paying job in January, my house is in foreclosure, and I’m about to file bankruptcy. I also have a handicap son who will always be living with us for the rest of our lives, if we stay together
The OW was somebody I’ve known since I was seventeen. I met her again in college thirty years ago, and fell madly in love with her. She is the love of my life. We broke up when she moved to California. I went into a deep depression for almost a year. When we broke up, she wanted to stay friends, although difficult, we managed through that. We both married other people, and eventually she moved back and we reconnected eight years ago. What started as an emotional affair eventually turned physical. She left her husband so she could be with me. I was still married.
I left my wife three years ago for the OW, after I found my wife had ran up over100K in credit card bills. The OW and I had two great years together, and we saw each other on a regular bases. We had a great, loving relationship, and I was never happier than when we were together. In January, I move home when I lost my job, in order to reestablish myself financially, to sell our house, and move my remaining stuff out. Don’t ask me why, I moved back, I’m still not sure.
It was a strange existence, being home during the week, and going back to OW’s house on the weekends, and my wife having no clue what I was doing until May. I told the OW, that my wife had found out, and as we know, things were never the same. I suggested to the OW that she should date around. Why I told her this I don’t know. I should have left my wife to be with the OW. I’m one of those nice guys, who stayed with my wife because I felt it was the right thing to do, but I’m miserable. My wife is a good, decent person who should have never been treated the way I’ve treated her. I’m a pig, and I never thought of myself as a selfish person.
I don’t love my wife, and I’m not sure I ever did. I think she’s willing to accept whatever I have to give her, which isn’t much. Along with everything else going on, it makes staying with her very difficult, because I associate her with so many painful things in my life. I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of mourning because I miss the OW. My wife seems so determined to hold on to me. If I were her, I would of kicked me out of the house a long time ago.
In the meantime the OW got fed up, and found another guy. It was very painful, and hard to accept, but I was largely responsible for making it happen. It kills me to know how effortlessly she’s move on. I blew it. My OW is much like my wife, but much more attractive, and knows how to reach me in a way, no other women can (I know, familiar refrain). She is a very kind, and decent person, and only wants my attention and commitment. I think I could win her back. Once again, we are trying to stay friends. I miss her so much, and think of her obsessively. At this stage of my life, I want a little bit of happiness and peace of mind, but I think I let it slide through my hands.
So what do I do? Do I suck it up and stay with my wife whom I don’t love, and do the right thing. Do I need to cut it off completely with the OW to move on? I’ve know this women most of my adult life.
Or for my wife’s sake, and mine, leave, and try to make a new life with the OW or someone else. Is this all a twisted fantasy or do I need treatment. The biggest argument against leaving at this point, is what becomes the purpose of my life? To sit in an apartment by myself, hoping I can be with the OW, or hope I find somebody like her?
I’ve been to counseling, and nothing in me has changed.
October 24, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Frankenlife, thanks for your comment. Your situation sounds bleak. As far as your unemployment, I’m sorry to hear it. This has been a rough year for a lot of people.
Let me say up front that I am the last person in the world to be giving advice to anyone. I’m just a guy who had an affair on his wife and chose to blog about it when it was over. With that said, my personal opinion is that you need to accept the fact that OW is gone. Furthermore, you will never find someone just like her. You can find someone different who fulfills different needs, but in all likelihood, OW #1 is gone. You can’t blame her. As you yourself said, you told her to date other men. Then she found someone else who she likes. Is she in love with this guy? Is he single? If so, she probably sees more of a future with him. No wife. Less “baggage.” Possible marriage candidate. All I’m saying is this: You could waste months or even years hoping to get back together with this woman. It’s easy for those of us who have had affairs to get stuck in a post-affair “vacuum.” We sit around dreaming about “what could have been,” while life passes us by.
My advice is this: Decide. Decide whether to stay with your wife, or whether to leave and find a new love. If you don’t love your wife, and don’t think you ever will, give her the opportunity to find someone who will love her. I know, that’s easier said than done. As for your love life, there are many, many women out there. I’m sure you can find another match. Chances are, you can find someone you love more than your ex-OW. I think people who have affairs –including me– give our ex-lovers TOO MUCH CREDIT. We make them out to be the greatest people in the world when, in reality, they’re not. I don’t know why we do this. I think it has more to do with a void in our own lives that our lovers were able to fill temporarily. But we can debate this all we want. The fact in your case is, your OW is gone. Time to get movin.’ Time to make decisions. Don’t waste another second in the “void.”
November 17, 2009 at 3:35 am
In November of 2007 I fell deeply and madly in love with my soulmate. I am married to the mother of my two beautiful babies who I care for very much. In any case I entered into a relationship with my soulmate while remaining married to my wife. She I believe also fell deeply in love with me, she and I met at work and life was wonderful she made all my dreams come true. My life was torn in two directions I loved my soulmate with everything I had. On the other hand my dad left me at birth and I suffered tremendously as boy growing up with no father. I could not leave my babies behind or for that matter for a part time dad. I continued to live a dual life, my soulmate knew from the beginning that I was not ready to leave my babies long before we decicded to venture into a rlationship. She was good with my decision as she also had children but all but graduated from high school. In February 2008 she moved closer to me so we could spend more time together in November of 2008 she moved back down to live with her parents son and daughter. In 2009 my wife developed lung cancer and I spent a lot of time carrying for her, shortly after that I was diagnosed with lymphoma. In May of 2009 I told her that cancer was all a big lie and she dumped within three days of my telling her this story. Her reason was she could not support a liar.Hello isn’t that kettle calling the pot black!
In any case my wife is totally cancer free unfortunatley I am not. In any case I did not lie other than to say there was no cancer when there really was for both of us. I had friend tell “trust but verify so I did. What I wonder is did I verify that in the event I had left my wife for my soulmate would she be taking me to chemo and radiation treatments. 7 months later what I have learned is that “cheaters never prosper” and “quiters never win”. Karma begets Karma I have cancer and someday someone will leave her in her hour of need I think I made the right choice even though she dumped me I think ultimately she never really loved me. I hope I will be over her in a year!
November 17, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Nitehawk, first of all, sorry to hear about the cancer. That’s got to be tough, and on top of it, you’re dealing with a heartbreak. I’m going to be honest with you. I no longer subscribe to the soul mate-thing. It’s a romantic idea, but I believe that in the end, people are selfish and do what’s best for them. I think the fact that your ex-lover dropped you as soon as she heard the news about your cancer proves that. She can talk about lies all she wants, but she helped perpetuate a lie by entering into a relationship with you, a married man. I’m not making judgment when I say that. Hell, I’m the biggest liar (or was) of them all. But at the end of the day, people demonstrate double-standards and are happy to “call the pot black.” It’s what we do. It’s in our nature. It’s what every married person who enters into an affair ultimately learns. Hence, you are correct in your statement that “cheaters never prosper.” I agree that we don’t. I, too, hope for your sake you are able to get over her, and quickly. But we all know, doing so is a bitch. Good luck to you.
November 17, 2009 at 9:58 pm
“Soulmate” is a bullshit concept. I don’t believe in it. Love is real and work is real. Nothing prospers without work and attention.
November 17, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Robin, I’m with you on that. The soulmate-thing is an illusion designed to trap us, and often does. It’s wishful, but unrealistic thinking. The stuff of Harlequin romance.