How Long Does It Take to Get Over an Affair?

“Keep your chin up, soldier!” said the woman from Ohio.  “You will get through this.  It just takes time.”

“But how much time?” I asked the stranger.  I was thankful for her comment on my blog, but wasn’t buying it.

Back then, I was suffering deeply from the loss of my so-called “other woman.”  Our affair had ended, and OW was determined never to see or talk to me again.  Goddamn, did it hurt!  I thought I would die.  Life, I was convinced, was over.

That was one year ago.

Guess what?  A year later, I am a living, breathing, functioning adult with high hopes for the future.  The old pain is gone.  Well, mostly gone.  When I do think about her, it’s with a rationale mind.  I have regained control of my mind and heart.  My heart is no longer hers, thank God.

Here’s what it took one year to realize:

First, affairs are reciprocal, which is a fancy way of saying “it takes two to tango.”  Without full and active participation from both partners, it’s over.  No matter what you had or thought you had, you will never have it again.  Game over.  Furthermore, the person who calls off the affair has effectively sent you a message.  That is, you are not as special to them as they are to you.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but true.

Second, even if you were special, at least temporarily, society rejects the fuck out of adultery.  Once the affair is revealed, people come out of the woodwork to shut it down.  Quash it.  Destroy it.  A cheating spouse who “sits on the fence” over whether to continue the affair because they still have feelings for that person becomes the target of family intervention.  Husbands, wives, in-laws, friends, even church pastors implore them not to continue, reminding them of their sacred vows.   With that kind of pressure, you don’t stand a chance in hell.

Additionally (and I’ve written about this before), you come to realize that the person you thought you couldn’t live without is no longer actually that person.  Their brain is re-wired.  They’ve cast aside those old, forbidden thoughts.  The very act of returning to one’s husband (or wife) is to abandon their former self.   After a year, it occurs to you that if they were standing in front of you now, you wouldn’t have a damn thing to talk about.  You’re the same, but they are different.

But are you really the same person?

Perhaps not.

I’ve learned so much about myself over the past year, which feels more like ten years.  People who cheat on their spouses are forced to analyze every fiber of their being.  What’s wrong with me?  Am I a bad person?  Was I destined to commit adultery as a child?  Am I oversexed?  Am I morally bankrupt?  Do I find pleasure in destroying lives, including my own?   I have answered ‘no’ to most of these questions, but can I trust myself to be honest?    And the most painful question, why did my ex-lover cast me aside?  She told me I was ‘beautiful.’  Was she lying?

I hate that my ex has bipolar disorder, not only for her sake, but for mine.   It makes the most important questions surrounding my affair unanswerable, no matter what anyone says.  People have affairs all the time, but the bipolar factor makes mine unique.  How will I ever know –truly know– if she cared about me, or if her brain was just gushing chemicals?  It’s taken me a year to realize she will never supply me with those answers.

One year is how long it takes to stop beating your head against the wall trying to make sense of things.  That’s how long it takes to pick up and move on, and chalk up your affair to one of life’s great mysteries.

An unsolved mystery bathed in Depakote dreams.

80 Comments

Filed under adultery, affairs, cheating, infidelity, life, marriage, wives

80 responses to “How Long Does It Take to Get Over an Affair?

  1. Teev…. I don’t suppose I need share again the quote…

    “A year of pain will teach us far more than a lifetime of comfort”.

    Funny, I ask myself the same question a lot but in a different context… my divorce.

    “How long does it take to get over a divorce”?

    I am largely over it and happly remarried. Yet from time to time, I actually forget that this all happened. That my wife left me for another man who I knew. That they frolicked and played in the house that we built together and that I was paying for while we were separated and still married.

    Yet she blames me for everything and resents me for having turned to booze and drugs.

    After quite a number of years, I still sometimes forget (mentally and emotionally), that it all happened and that it will never come back.

    The memories and pain never last long. I let them pass like a through-and-through bullet (which according to Eric Delco and Caleigh Duchesne on CSI, is far less lethal than a bullet that stays in your body).

    I feel the pain and then let the wound close and heal. There is not getting around the pain when it hits. There are ways to avoid getting hit as often and ways to let the healing commence sooner. But pain continues to happen.

    We simply cannot be intimate with someone, whether legitimately or not, then be torn away in an instant and not feel pain.

    Unless of course we are a self-serving sociopath like…. hmm…. like…..now who can I use as an example…. Charles Manson? no, not evil enough….. Attila the Hun? no, still relatively tame….. oh ya! I have it….. My ex! Thats right, the former Mrs. Chaz! Only one as insidious as the former Bride of Chaz (aka, The Queen of Darkness) who is completely devoid of conscience would feel no loss, remorse, or regret for having terminated an intimate relationship in an instant and taken up with the next guy in a matter of days? weeks? we will never know.

    I am sure I have proven that I still feel threads of confusion and pain woven in the fabric of my being. And this is after a freakin’ shit-load of counselling, reading, church, courses, and over 1,000 AA and NA meetings.

    So ya, it hurts…. still. And it may continue to. I can’t see a way around it…. only through it.

    But through it we can go…. with a little help from our friends and those who have travelled the path before us.

    Ciao

    Chaz

  2. well then, tv… if your words are true i have exactly 4 months and 6 days until my one year mark. maybe at that point, the big pill thats hard to swallow will be just about out of my throat. although ive been feeling really good with things lately… i havent checked my ex’s wife’s facebook in over a week… and i feel like my life is falling into place piece by piece… did i mention i bought a house?! i close in july! im beyond excited for this chapter of my life to begin… i have found myself much more consumed with the house, building my life there, decorating, gardening, than thoughts of R… which is great.

    i thought of you today- one of my favorite students was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i see him struggle so much. its nice to have a “diagnosis” for him… but i know it will be a tough road for him… and i was thinking that i hope he doesnt hurt anyone half as much as your ex hurt you.

  3. tvexplorer

    MM, congrats on the house! And I’m very happy R has been an afterthought lately. I, too, have been busy with home and family. At times, I feel I’m neglecting this poor old blog because of it! Your comment has just given me an idea for a new blog post. You’ll know it when you see it.

    P.S. Good luck with your bipolar student. If his parents need any advice on the condition, send ‘em my way! On second thought, better not. ;-)

  4. I’m positive she cared, or maybe I’m lost in your story listening to country, his music, but I’m sure she cared and maybe a lot. Just ask her.

    Sexy site.

  5. Do you want it to remain unsolved? Is that your point? Or are you searching, as someone other than the face not your own for something else?

    Are you really over her or did you even ever care? Just curious. Maybe you don’t know.

  6. tvexplorer

    nadamadison, thanks for your comment. These are some seriously deep questions, but good ones. My dilemma is this, and only this. How will I ever know if my former lover truly gave a shit about me, or whether she was acting manically as a result of her bipolar behavior. In other words, is a bipolar person responsible for their own actions? I can’t seem to resolve this in my mind.

  7. TV-
    i keep thinking about this now that im faced with a bipolar person. im sure there are various degrees of bipolar disorder… but there are points during the day where the person knows what they are doing/feeling/etc… thats at least what i experience with my student. how long was your affair again? i cant understand how she could have been out of TOTAL control for MULTIPLE choices made regarding you. i definitely think she had to feel something… and it was pretty deep. the more i think about i think that her bipolar disorder went into full gear AFTER the affair was discovered… correct? i just think that is fishy over all… which i believe ive said before. i see so much of myself in you because it seems to me we both struggle with the aftermath of our affairs more than anything. we both have ex’s who tossed us to the curb when we thought we were adored… and we both have ex’s who quickly ran back to their spouses and found jesus, mary, and joseph. your comment here makes me wonder though- if TV’s ex had bipolar disorder and blamed that on her behavior… then what did my ex have to blame? if bipolar disorder made TV’s ex treat him so poorly… so haphazardly… then whats R’s excuse for his horrible treatment of me in the aftermath of what was, what seemed, a irreplaceable love for 2.5 years?

  8. Teev and MFM… mind if I jump in?

    Something stands out to me from your dialogue about the materializing of BiPolar in your ex’s. I am of the understanding that Bi Polar and other mood disorders can intensify under duress. I am speaking way out of my scope of knowledge here so bear with me.

    I am however quite experienced at observing behaviour of those of us in crisis. And for any of us, if there is even a slight opportunity to off-load behaviour that we regret or are ashamed of on something as “excusable” as a medical condition, our subconscious will seek this out like a magnate.

    The potential for self-deception when faced with a fact that we cannot bear is tremendous. This is a depth of denial soo deep and powerful that I believe we can trigger or pseudo-trigger ailments whether mental or physical to appease our own inability to accept the mountainous regret.

    It can be denial at its most cunning. The temptation to file the behaviour in the illness drawer is just too sweet. Then perhaps along comes a trusted ‘expert’ and validates the diagnosis.

    Perhaps you are seeing ‘the deeper the denial the greater the manifestation of bi-polar symptoms’?

    In any case, I think it begs the question.

    Simply the observations of a vetran of chaos standing on the sidelines.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

  9. I guess I feel at a loss for words right now, and quite sick. I really can’t elaborate, maybe you know. I understand it now, and I’ve always been sorry, but never would I kill someone with such kindness, “slowly, and painfully.”

    Pardon my comment. I’m again wordless, and in shock.

    Bravo.

  10. Okay.

    What I’d like to say is I’ve learned from my destructive behaviors, and I admit that I may have romanticized a post of mine relating to ‘hyper sexual’ or let’s just say pure promiscuity. Bipolar or not, I probably would’ve done it, maybe?

    The point is I would end a relationship before I engaged with another man in the future, I feel I’ve hurt too many people who I truly cared for, but I also had feelings for the others. And that’s the truth, I hate oppressing that. Though I should add, the feelings may have sprung more from lust than love, but maybe if it wasn’t just a lover that passed by, I would have loved him, too.

    Maybe I crave the uniqueness in people and love what they bring to my shy world, however, often it can be inappropriate as I’m usually in a relationship that is serious.

    Call me crazy but I had the idea of the ultimate revenge impressed upon me by a group of men who had HIV and hated girls like me who they perceived to be—fill in the blanks. Anyway, they plot my death and make their moves, knowing, and me, not. That’s not right.

    Did it happen? Maybe? I don’t have HIV. Just a crazy theory involving my conscious mind and the colorful world that sometimes I’m prone to love.

    Last note, if someone or group were to create such a ‘ring of hatred and mass destruction’ I think that would not be very cool.

    But I forgive them.

  11. Chaz-

    “the deeper the denial the greater the manifestation of bi-polar symptoms” is pretty accurate for what i was trying to point out… i guess TV only knows because he experienced it- but from my interaction on this blog it seems like the bipolar didnt come out until the aftermath. which, as you point out, is when the duress came about. so i guess i am trying to suggest that if it didnt come about until then… then perhaps the experience TV had before then was unaffected by the bipolar disorder… it just wasnt until her guilt kicked in that the bipolar kicked on and she felt the need to run.

  12. tvexplorer

    Misfit, I understand your pain-level much better now that I know it’s only been eight months since your break-up. The wounds are still fairly fresh after 8 months. So you’ll know, my affair was in 2007. The summer of ’07 was the highly sexual phase, but we were ‘emotionally-joined’ for several months leading up to that. We even remained emotional for several months after we stopped sleeping together; after she told her husband and things started going to shit. I was psychologically hooked on my OW, sex or no sex. I agree with your assessment about OW’s bipolar condition. She had to have felt something for me. There’s no other explanation for her behavior. But I keep going back and forth on the issue of what came first: Her feelings for me, or the manifestation of her bipolar symptoms. It’s a “chicken and egg” conundrum.

    Chaz, I will make a confession. My former OW has never actually blamed her affair with me on bipolar disorder. At least I’ve never heard her use it as an excuse. I know I’ve made many references to the fact that she did. I’ve always just assumed she used it as an excuse, because I sure as hell would if it were me. This much is true: Once she was diagnosed and given a heavy dose of medication, her personality changed. She didn’t miss me. She didn’t question things. She didn’t seek out answers. It’s as though someone ‘flipped a switch’ in her brain. Suddenly, she was cold and unfeeling…180-degrees different from the person I knew. It was the freakiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen! I will add this: She was never the type who could bear the weight of lies associated with an affair. I should of seen that earlier, but didn’t, because I was blinded by my own selfish desires. Affairs require a tremendous amount of fortitude. It’s not easy to live with one’s self while perpetuating lies. Sometimes I questioned whether I was even capable of continuing. But where there’s a will, the devil makes a way. Not for her. She buckled. The guilt caught up with her. She came clean, and I’ve blamed her for it ever since.

    Nada, I’m trying to wrap my mind around your comments, but am having difficulty doing so. Are you saying that your mania from bipolar disorder prevents you from staying faithful to one person? Or are you saying that it creates lust or hyper-sexuality, and therefore, your feelings for someone are never genuine? You said that while you’re most often in a ‘serious’ relationship, you also have feelings of love for other partners. What does that mean exactly? And do these feelings stem from your bipolar disorder? Just trying to understand it, is all.

  13. i sometimes wish i had a chicken and an egg sydrome to deal with… i just have a 2.5 years of what i thought was love followed by standing by myself on a curb in the pouring rain. of course, there were some explainations- but considering my circumstances- none i could believe.

    your comment to chaz about affairs and fortitude… boy, are you right. that is one positive for me- that i can look back on it and know i have the fortitude- but that i can manifest it into something different now.

    ps- i caved and checked R’s wife’s facebook. grr… but you should know they didnt go to church this week because apparently they had to make a trip to lowes instead… to build something for their son. perhaps jesus isnt as forefront anymore… who knows. but im feeling a little knocked off my high kick of feeling good after reading that. but i suppose its all self-inflicted.

  14. Honestly, I can’t quite answer whether manias/bipolar prevents me from being faithful, in my head and heart. I have full days, but maybe I’m the one telling the truth here. Maybe no one is lying either.

    What I am saying is I have caused a lot of pain due to cheating, and I would approach the situation differently, depending on the ‘dynamics.’ Or varialble(s).

    I’m not saying anything creates lust other than myself, and that maybe some lusts would have been love had they flourished. I’ve had one affair/cheating/game where the lust was felt strongly, abnormally so.

    As per my stating I’ve been in serious relationships, yes I have. Have I also felt in love with another. Yes. What does that mean? Nothing. The other ‘guy’ I was in love with, let’s call him Dallas, I will never see again, and he was hired by my boyfriend to test me. I don’t like being an experiment. In spite of it all, I don’t care WHO knows, I wish to hear from him, to see him, to believe. See there I go in a fairytale lustfull land of BS.

    I don’t believe my feelings have stemmed from having bipolar, that would make all my feelings subject to being because of bipolar. And if they are, fine, they’re as real as bipolar, assuming I am.

    I don’t know where we’re going with this, but you had me at Nada,….does that tell you anything? I live in a dreamworld, and Dallas was just part.

    Bottomline, how long does it take to get over an ‘affair?’ Truth, I was the wrong person to answer your question because I wouldn’t know, when you find out, let me know.

    Beautiful Latino picture you’ve used. BTW.

    -Mea Nada Madison

    Or not. The scarlett letter she bourne.

  15. tvexplorer

    Nada, I think we all live in a dreamworld to a point. It’s hard to know what’s real and what isn’t sometimes. I ask myself this: Which part of my life is a dream? Am I a boring, middle-aged guy who’s created a fantasy for himself by having an affair and maintaining a blog like this? Or is this the real me and the boring life I lead is the real fantasy? I feel like I’m living in the Matrix or something. I’m glad to hear your bipolar condition doesn’t rule your behavior. I would rather know that your lust is driven by lust, and not a stream of manic-depressive chemicals in your head. The more I think about my ex-lover, and I can only conclude that she is a liar. She lied to me, and she lies to herself. People like that will screw you everytime.

  16. TVexplorer Dean;

    Well put/addressed.

    Yes it’s true lust, mine is at least.

    And liars do screw people up, I agree. Thanks for adding me, and the red carpet is rolled para tu tambien.

    Spanglish in the mornings.

    Adios.

    Until next time…

    Nada

    P.S. I tested the comments, they’re working. Maybe I’m the one in the damn Matrix here!

  17. LoveRetard

    Hi,
    New to you blog, but in search of answers.
    Was having an affair and she ended it yesterday.
    My life as I knew it is over, for sure. I hear that one year and it will be over, but we work aat the same place. I would love to stop communication completely, but will not be able to due to work.
    To say the least, my heart is broken beyond repair – i’ve never loved someone so much.
    Any advise?

  18. LoveRetard

    Hi, new to your blog. I’m looking for answers. My lover just ended our affair yesterday. Needless to say my heart is broken and I feel as if life came to an end.
    Funny thing is, we did not really have a sexual relationship, but my thought was that we offered each other the support that so desparetely lacked in our relationships.
    I even thought that we would end up being in a proper relationship and continue to make each other happy for ever.
    So many things was said that gave me this impression that I almost ended my relationship. Thank God I didn’t because I would have lost a loving partner and lover at the same time – on the same day…
    I know that I need to move on. I know that I need to find a way to get over it. My problem however: We work together! I would love to grieve, break all communication, find other interests and keep my mind occupied, but I just can not due to the work relationship.
    I do feel like I’m a bad person. How could I have let things get so out of hand. How can I forgive myself. How could I have trusted someone with my heart so completely. I’m shattered and broken.
    Some words of wisdom?

  19. tvexplorer

    I appreciate your comment. So sorry your world has been shattered. As trite as it sounds, only time will be able to heal what you’re feeling. It sounds like you’re in the why-why-why stage. That’s the toughest part of the breakup, and believe me, those answers don’t come easy, if they ever come at all. Tell me, are you married? Is your ex-married? Why did you ex end it? And how long did your relationship last? It sucks that you still work with this person. I can’t even begin to imagine what that’s like. From what little I know about you, I can say this with 100% certainty. You are NOT a bad person. You are simply human. How could you have things get so out of hand? If you figure that one out, PLEASE let me know. How could you have trusted someone so completely? Because you believed that people are basically trustworthy when they’re not. Hang in there. You will survive this.

  20. LoveRetard

    Hi TVEx, thank you for your words of encouragement. I’m not married, but in a 8 year relationship. My ex is also in a relationship of about 7 to 8 years. Although I can complain about my relationship, I can even more about my ex’s relationship. Her partner use abusive language to break her down and make her feel unworthy. And maybe thats the part I just don’t get – why stay with someone who treat you like dirt. Anyway, I’m definitely in the why why why stage and suspect that I’ll be there for some time. I keep thinking of the things that was said that gave me the idea that maybe our “affair” could become more… Don’t know if you know The Invitation of Oriah Mountain Dreamer. She writes: “I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefor trustworthy.” Now, if that does not give the impression that betrayal was expected of me, then I don’t know. Whatever the case may be, I have an endless feeling of nothingness – lets hope time heals all.

  21. TV,
    Your blog is always a good read and very thought provoking. I like the sexy pics, too. I think that your former lover truly cared about you. The bipolar diagnosis doesn’t explain the connection you felt. Just my two cents.

  22. tvexplorer

    Thanks Moody, and sorry for the late reply. I’m just back from my beach vacation. Common sense says she must’ve felt something for me, but when the bipolar hit, it was like someone flipped a switch in her brain. Oh well. Shit happens.

  23. tvexplorer

    Sorry for the late reply to your last comment. I have not read The Invitation of Oriah Mountain Dreamer, but it sounds interesting. You raise a good question: Why do people stay with partners who treat them like shit? Equal to that, why do people stay married to spouses who are painfully dull and unfulfilling? I believe it’s because of the familiarity and the security-factor. It takes a bold man or woman to “put themselves out there” and take a chance on something new.

    I hope you’re hanging in there.

  24. I think your right TVexplorer. I recently posted a blog about dating and identity, and while doing some research, I came across a video, which I didn’t post, but her last line was, and not in these exact words, if you take the past 6 months of your relationship and evaluate them, would you want to relive those 6 months for the rest of your life? If not then things are over.

    I think we know relationships are over some times, but we find it too difficult to break free. It takes a strong woman to do so too. How can we leave something/someone we know so well, and may be painfully comfortable? Tough one.

  25. tvexplorer

    Nada Madison, your comment is one of the most powerful I’ve ever read. It completely sums up my feelings and thoughts. I’d love to see the video you mentioned. Thanks for giving me something deep to think about.

  26. I’ll check for the video and get back to you. Glad her words of advice moved someone else, too. The words rings through the ears, but still we remain…

  27. LoveRetard

    I think I made a mistake today. Went for coffee with ex… heard her talking about not being happy, seeing her partner as a friend and not being attracted to her partner. Not being sexually fulfilled or fulfilling her partners sexual needs. Not being sure if she’s being fair towards her partner because she’s not sure if it is what she wants. Her partner is suffering from a rare illness that affects eyesight. She feels that she needs to be there and take care of her partner. Thats all fine with me and I admire her qualities, but surely we all want to be happy, feel loved and secure.
    And there’s me thinking – I may just have a chance. I shouldn’t have gone out with her, now all progress I made to get over the heartache is lost and I need to start over again… The slightest glimpse of hope and I’m crazy about her all over again. Should I confront my ex and ask straight forward questions of what she wants from me? OR do I keep on living for those little stolen times when I can be with her and at least be in her company, smell her perfume, look at her beauty and steal soft touches when I open the car door for her? Should I stop talking about my views and just be a ‘good old pal’? This is all becoming too difficult to handle. It is no easy task to love someone you don’t and not love someone you do…

  28. tvexplorer

    Good to hear from you again. I will tell you right now that you are crazy in love with this woman. I can hear it in your words. “Smell her perfume, look at her beauty and steal soft touches.”
    Wow! You’ve got the jungle fever, my brother. But that’s okay. I’ve had the fever too. I know exactly what you’re saying about the influence this woman has on you. Does she know how you feel? Has she flatly told you there is no possibility of a future together? If so, you’re torturing yourself by having coffee with her or doing anything else with her. Believe me, those “glimpses of hope” that never materialize get old. They tear a man down before he realizes it. They cause him to waste years of his life on false hope, only to wake up one day and realize he will never get that time back. What I’m saying is, I would tell her how you feel. And tell her you don’t give a flying fuck about blind boy. (Maybe not in those words.) You’re the one who can make her dreams come true. And with you, there’ll be no more talk about not being sexually fulfilled. If she says she’s flattered, but is obligated to stay with her boyfriend, I would tell her your coffee drinking days are over. That’s harsh, I know, but it’s the conclusion you will eventually reach on your own. We all do. We just can’t see it at first.

  29. Do you love her or not? YOu know the feeling…Do you love her or not? If so, yes, I think you should, if not, than no. Simple.

    Truly,

    Mea Nada Madison
    http://www.jadecommunique.com

  30. HurtingToo

    Wow, just stumbled upon this blog. Man, can I hear what you’re all saying. Here’s my story (in progress):

    As of last summer I had been married for many years. There’s a woman in my building who I work with now and then, and we became pretty good friends. I was always attacted to her emotionally and physically, but never approached her that way because I figured I stood no chance (everyone in the building thinks she’s an awesome person plus really hot too – why would she want me?) I have actually hit on other women now and then many years back, but nothing ever came of it (I had never been with any woman but my wife). I never hit on this woman, maybe because we were friends and I didn’t see her as just a sex object. My marriage was o.k. – nothing horrible but nothing exciting either; that’s the way it is after so many years and you get into the doldrums of the day-to-day (over the last year, I can’t think of a man my age who hasn’t been in the news for having an affair!)

    Her husband decided to leave her, and we had a lot of personal conversations – as really good friends and confidants – and then one thing led to the next and we had a great affair last summer. From the beginning we said it would be a summer fling – we would share that time together as lovers, but then move on with our lives as friends. We would give each other what we wanted and needed – security, love, illicit passion, experiences that we never had before – but with the realization that neither of us wanted my family torn apart, and there was no way we would end up together (how could we keep our jobs if we lost the respect of everyone in the organization?) We would then have a “normal” friendship, but always be able to remember our special time together – that secret bond.

    Well, summer dragged on, and the relationship didn’t end until she ended it when she started dating someone else in the late fall. I always told her that when she found someone good, she should go on, because I couldn’t be everything she needed and deserved. But I was not at all prepared for how unbelievably painful it was going to be. The sex ended, and in some ways that wasn’t the hardest part. The emotional stuff has ended, despite my trying so hard to keep that going, and it still hurts me so much, every day, now 9 months later. I feel like if I had my way, we’d still have coffee together a few times a week, spending 30 minutes looking into each other’s eyes and telling each other how much we mean to each other. I wish we could still “steal those little touches” that we used to do on an empty elevator. I wish we could sit in her house and talk for a few hours. I still want to be with her so much; I could just sit on a park bench with her all day and talk and be together, and I would be so happy – but none of this is a “normal” friendship between a single woman and a married man, and she’s resolute that this part of the relationship is over too.

    My marriage is still o.k. – maybe in some ways I’ve come to appreciate my wife more, and I feel more dedicated to do my best for my family because of my transgression (even though no one knows about it except one person I told). My wife knows I’m having a midlife crisis (work, etc.) and has been supportive and given me space when I need it, and given me closeness when I needed that too.

    My point (to the others who have written, and I’m sure I’ll write more later too) is that I had the best of both worlds, and now some of that is gone. I do think that I had more invested in the affair than she did, and she’s obviously moved on from it better than I have. I never did feel like it had to end because I was getting everything I wanted; she obviously wasn’t (I understand that in my head, but it doesn’t mean my heart has accepted). When I see her around work, I’m torn. Part of me wants to find ways to “bump” into her as much as possible. Part of me thinks we should never see or talk to each other again (one time when I was in real trouble I talked to a friend who said that there was NO WAY we should try to continue any kind of friendship, and half the time I see that she’s right but the other half of the time I think I’d die if I never got to see her again).

    It’s 9 months, and I still haven’t figured out what to do. I’m on a roller coaster, and there have been times over the last 9 months that it seemed like it was going to be o.k. – we were going to have a friendship that was going to make us both happy, but then sometimes I tell her that I can’t live without being emotionally closer to her than “normal” friends, and other times I’ve told her I never want to see or hear from her again. She’s put up with the mood swings, but maybe at some point she wont.

    I’m seeing a friend this weekend – he and his wife were separated for a while many years back, and then right when they reunited they moved about 1000 miles. I’ve never discussed this with them, but now I’m really suspicious that he had an affair, and after they repaired the marriage they moved to get away from the other woman. I’m going to ask him about this, and if I’m right, maybe I can get some insight about how you stop loving someone you’re not supposed to.

  31. tvexplorer

    Hurting Too, thanks for your comment, and welcome to the fiery flames of hell. I strongly recommend you ask this friend of yours if he had an affair, so you can have someone to talk to one-on-one. I, too, know a guy who had an affair, and his advice to me has been worth it’s weight in gold.

    As I tell everyone, you are damn lucky that your affair remains a secret. Mere words cannot describe the devastation that occurs when affairs are exposed. So at least you have that going for you. I’m glad to hear you are dedicated to doing your best for your family, all things considered. Family members are innocent victims. They trust you completely, and probably don’t think you’re capable of doing what you’ve done. You want to keep it this way. Nothing hurts more than losing the respect of people who truly love you. You do NOT EVER want to see that look of hurt on their faces. Talk about staring into the flames of hell!

    I hear what you’re saying about “just having coffee” a few times a week, but you know and I know that’s not possible. The only way to end your emotional connection is to never have contact with her again. I know that’s not what you want. But you have to do the math on this one. You’re married, she’s single, and that’s a fact. In her eyes, there is no future with you. I promise you will start to feel better in time. You will begin to let go of the idea that you can go back in time and do it all over again. Affairs are just a whisper in time. They begin and they end. But endings are hard.

    Hang in there.

  32. cecilia

    I appreciate the candor that you all speak with and am hopeful that perhaps you may be able to help me with a few answers myself. My husband had an affair 3 1/2 years ago that was very brief, or so I thought. In April I found out that he never ended the relationship. We are in counseling and trying to mend our marriage, but he is so very reluctant to talk about what he really felt or did. I am so very confused and my entire being has been shattered into shards that I don’t think will ever go back together.

    I so very much want to talk to his girlfriend, but he has managed to scare her with some of the same lies that he has told me. I am not seeking to judge my husband, his girlfriend or anyone. I just want to eliminate this overwhelming confusion and no one wants to answer any questions. If you could, please tell me what it was that made you comfortable with being the other person. How is it that you were content with being second? Or was the other person’s spouse actually the second? What did your partner tell you that made you hang on? And what did you tell yourself that made you feel that the pain of the partner’s spouse was worth your feelings. I couldn’t be here if I knew I wasn’t the only one. She knew at every conversation, every encounter, that his love for her was not complete because at every step, she knew he would always come home to me, on time. I didn’t have that luxury. If I had known about her, I wouldn’t have stayed. How is that okay for you? To know that the one who loves you, doesn’t do it fully? That their commitment and capacity for you is limited?

    One of the other things that I struggle with is her love for him. Her love had the extreme possibility of costing him everything. If I weren’t a Christian woman, he would have never gotten a second chance, let alone a third. This is my own stupidity, but for her, how could she truly love him if she was willing to cause him so much pain and devastation in his life? If I had left, and the possibility still hangs in the air, he would have lost every material thing that he owned, the respect of his own child (possibly his child, as she probably would have chosen to go with me). She was willing to take that from him. Why?

    For him, I am still struggling to learn if his behavior was a function of true emotions or a sexual addiction. He tells me he didn’t love her, but I have e-mails that tell me he told her he did. He is unwilling to face the reality of his behavior and truly figure out what caused him to act to destructively. He was also dealing with a certain amount of clinical depression, which is one reason why I feel like I have to follow the therapy through to the end. Whatever happens between him and I, I need my daughter’s father to be healthy. This played a huge part in his behavior, but does it preclude that he didn’t have true feelings for this person?

    I’ve always had the philosophy that you can’t love two people, romantically. So then I wonder if he truly ever loved me if he could love her, or if his “love” for her was something else… addiction, lust?

    I have come to realize that the pain that I suffer is not alone. I realize that she has been hurt, too. Although I also feel that she at least had the choice in her pain. I didn’t. I just want to understand them both so that I can move on to something else. If I have offended, I apologize. I am just desperately seeking answers.

  33. tvexplorer

    Cecilia, thanks for your comment. As you can see, I’ve rambled on quite a bit on this blog. I am now two years out from the ending of my affair. Unlike your husband’s, my physical affair last three months. The emotional part of it lasted about one year. Maybe more, depending on how you measure it, but that’s another discussion.

    I am glad to hear that you and your husband are in therapy. Therapy is good, although it is painful. (At least, I think so.) I am not surprised that your husband refuses to ‘open up’ about the details of his affair, particularly where the emotional involvement was concerned. Men put up walls. You’ve heard that before. I believe it to be true. To this day, I don’t like discussing my affair with my wife. It just doesn’t “feel right.” She’s too critical, and too quick to want to throw in the towel on our marriage. So I try the best I can to minimize any discussion of my feelings toward my ex-lover. The bottom line is, I fell in love with her, and my wife knows it. That’s VERY hard to talk about.

    You have raised many questions in your comment. Not sure I can answer all of them, or am even qualified to answer them. Without knowing more about your husband’s specific situation, I do NOT believe his affair was due to a sexual addiction. That’s bullshit propaganda that therapists and betrayed spouses latch onto. I believe your husband fell for her emotionally, given the length of time his affair lasted. As far as your questions about his ex-lover “risking your husband’s job, family, etc.,” you’re trying to add common sense to the equation. That’s what my wife did. In other words, if 2 + 2 = 4, why would a person give an answer of 5? Listen, the fact is this: When people get caught up in emotional affairs, they don’t do things based on common sense. That goes for your husband’s ex-lover as well. She wanted him. Probably loved him. End of discussion. People in that situation do ANYTHING to keep it going. I hear the same questions from my wife. Why was I willing to throw my job and family away? The truth is, I wasn’t thinking about it in those terms. I just wanted to be with my ex-lover. Period.

    What would you ask your husband’s girlfriend if you could? What would be accomplished in such a conversation? Would you ask her why? If so, what do you expect her to say to that? And do you think she would be completely honest in anything she said to you? I believe this desire you have to speak to her is also common. Just don’t expect the truth if you DO speak to her. OR….if she does tell the truth, brace yourself for its impact. In other words, are you sure you WANT to know the truth?

    I believe your philosophy that people aren’t capable of loving two people at the same time is wrong. I never stopped loving my wife during my affair. She doesn’t believe this, but it’s true. I loved her AND I loved my “other woman.” Others will debate this, but I know how I felt. I would have been perfectly content continuing my affair, and doling out love for both women in my life. I’m not saying this is right or even socially acceptable. It’s just how I felt. At the time.

    Feel free to ask as many questions as you want here. There are plenty of women who stop by who have good perspectives on this. You’re not the only betrayed spouse who comes here. But I will tell you this: A lot of things are said on this blog that may not be popular. But it’s the truth.

  34. cecilia

    Thank you very much for your response. This site has been helping me understand things that I have tried to decipher for years now.

    I was wondering, though, in being able to love the two different people, were you able to separate the two. Did you think about one when you were with the other? Or were you able to compartmentalize your feelings? Did you stop loving your wife when you were with OW? or vice versa? I can’t imagine my thoughts being about any other person than my husband, so this concept of loving two people at the same time is so very confusing. Was your time with your wife fully hers and your time with the OW fully void of your wife?

    I feel as though the last 3.5 years of my life are completely fantasy. Obviously, there was no true love between him and I, but is any part of the life he and I shared real? Or was it just him going through the motions of life because he didn’t want to upset the apple cart?

    I realize you can’t answer for him, but he doesn’t answer for him either and I have to understand this somehow. The lack of understanding and confusion is literally driving me insane. I can deal with what I know, I can’t deal with shadows. I am a person of logic and a problem solver at heart. I find that I am not able to just leave this all hanging in the air unless I get answers.

    As for his girlfriend, no I don’t think she would be honest with me. I just wish she would. I am beginning to think that I am the only one who values total honesty. As for if she would tell me the truth, do I want it? More than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. No matter how much it hurts. Pieces have to fit together in my world, and right now they don’t. My head is constantly replaying my life trying to figure out what is real and what is not. Even when I distract myself, sometimes even successfully, the smallest little thing can trigger a question or a thought. I just need to understand. That’s who I am and even though I’ve tried to run away from that, I can’t.

  35. HurtingToo

    Cecilia,

    What I’m going to write, you have to take as my opinion and my feelings. I’ve expressed it elsewhere, and gotten severly bashed for it, but here goes.

    I truly believe that I was (and am) completely in love with two women at the same time. I feel that I love my wife. I feel that I love my ex-affair partner. Many (most?) would say that if I truly loved my wife, I’d love her with my whole heart, and there couldn’t possibly be space for anyone else in there, and it would have been impossible to fall in love with someone else at the same time. Maybe they are right, but I’m certainly not the only man to experience this phenomenon (ask the owner of this blog, or Mark Sanford). Everyone ridiculed Governor Sanford so badly, but truth is, as he went through the revelation of his affair, and talked about how he felt about this other woman, I just sat there silently thinking “I know EXACTLY how this man feels.”

    Obviously it is possible to love two different people completely – sequentially (e.g. after your first spouse dies). No one questions when you fall in love with another and re-marry. Can this happen when the first person you love is still there? I do believe so, and it isn’t easy on the one with these feelings.

    I know that I’ve hurt my wife and family, even though they don’t know anything about my affair (that ended 10 months ago). I wish I had someone to talk to about how hurt and confused I am too, because I know I wasn’t “supposed” to be able to fall in love with someone else, but I did. I really did.

    I found my way to totally psychologically split my two lives. My affair partner even described it as “my real world” and my “fantasy universe”. I visited my fantasy universe, and while there was leaving my real world behind. Then, when the few hours had passed, I returned to the real world, which I didn’t despise, but which was of course different than the other world. I can honestly say that while I juggled the two, I spent little to no time thinking about the other world when I was in one. How could I? This is going to sound despicable – but one night I made love to my other woman, and never once thought of my wife, then I returned home and did the same, never thinking of my other woman. This was a coping or defense (or denial) mechanism that worked, and still does in a way. I choose to believe that the person sleeping with her was “the other me” not the “me-me.”

    What I did was wrong; it was bad; but I still hope to believe that I am not a bad person. I experienced feelings that I had never felt before, and I didn’t handle them the right way. I hope I’ve learned a lot from this, and never will repeat it again.

    I hope this answers some of your questions. I will keep writing in to see if I can make more sense, but maybe there’s no way to make sense of why one cheats on someone they feel they still love. I don’t claim to have figured this all out – even 17 months from the start and 10 months from the end of my affair.

  36. cecilia

    You have helped me, in a way, to know that perhaps some of the moments that were mine were truly mine and didn’t have some aspect of an invisible third person I had no idea of. The part that I think that only he can answer is the many, many text and e-mails that existed when he was at home or with me. In a way, though, I had hoped that I had somehow been a part of his life with her. Maybe that’s sick, but it hurts to know that he was able to complete block me from his mind and heart. That I was so inconsequential to him that I could be forgotten.

  37. HurtingToo

    Your last sentence really drives home the point in a way I honestly hadn’t thought of. While I said that my mechanism / method of denial / justification / excuse was that there were “two of me” and that it was really the other me going to a fantasy place that really didn’t exist, this obviously required that I had to intermittently temporarily “forget” about the real world, and that is unforgiveable.

    While I can say that I fell in love when I shouldn’t have (and one could argue all sorts of angles on that), and that I became overwhelmed with what I was feeling (again, lots of analysis can go there), and that I lost control of my actions (more controversy), what is incontrovertable is that the only way I could have done this is by making my wife inconsequential while I was with my other woman. I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain, and that I was able to do this (for whatever reasons) to my wife.

    You have opened my eyes in a new way.

    For all of us wayward spouses, I’m sorry, cecilia.

  38. michelle

    Hurting too-
    Your perspective, like TV’s is so very helpful. May I ask why your relationship with your OW ended?
    And while it was wrong, and it is heartbreaking to hurt your wife (and you too, Cecelia) – I must also say (from my perspective) that your OW probably loved you unconditionally, with all her heart and is now feeling the pain of a thousand deaths…..and though she’d never contact you again she’ll ALWAYS love you – such is life……

  39. robin

    Hello, all.
    Hurting Too- I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes being here, I feel that I am getting the truth that I would probably be getting from my husband if he were able to admit the whole truth to me. To be honest, I would have a very hard time hearing from him that he was in love with his OW. He told me in the beginning stages that he was in love with her and was leaving me for her. Now, after deciding that that may not be the best idea, he says that he never thinks about her and it was the most fucked up thing he ever did. Do I believe this part of it- that he never thought about her again and wishes she would disappear? Not sure. If I decide to leave this marriage (not completely convinced I can deal over the long-term), will he look her up again? Probably. Do I really want to hear this from him? In a way- but I don’t think reconciliation is viable with this being discussed. Who can take that?
    Cecilia,
    I am also the betrayed wife. I come to this site to hear the honest truth from Tv and other men who screwed around and fell in love. I hear the truth from them. I like to hear their honest thoughts, but don’t think my marriage could survive these kinds of discussions with my husband. I have a choice. I can either hear the truth from these guys and try to process it, or pretend that my husband doesn’t have any of these feelings. He MUST have been in love with her in order to risk his family. He is not a sex-addict and I don’t think most people are. This sounds like bullshit to me. Another psychological label to explain weakness. There is such a thing as just plain weak. Maybe our husbands fucked up royally. It may be that simple. That’s what I try to believe. Yeah, the heart break may end up ruining things for me eventually, but I may be able to muddle through. Right now, I have a 13 year old daughter to think about. I am hanging around for her right now. It’s worth it.

  40. HurtingToo

    Michelle – My affair ended because my OW (who was recently divorced) met a single man she wanted to date. At the start of our affair we both said it wasn’t going to be forever – we’d take a chance to express our love for each other, live in our fantasy world for a little while, but eventually we’d both have to get back to reality – meaning I had a wife and family, and she needed to be with someone who could be 100% hers. When she bumped into a really great guy, she called it off with me immediately. It hurt, because we both acknowledge that “if things were different” we’d be together, but we just can’t be. If anything, I felt a lot more pain because I had the best of both worlds (since we weren’t caught), and I lost some of that, but she “moved on” and I hadn’t (or am still trying to).

    Robin – the typical article in a magazine says “women have affairs for love/emotion. men have affairs for sex.” I think that’s bull. Maybe if he picks up a hooker when he’s at a conference somewhere, that’s only about sex, but when it’s with someone he knows first, and it goes on (for weeks, months) it is about emotion. I’d put $100 down that any man in this situation is “in love” (or certainly feels that way) with the OW. Maybe he never thinks about her anymore (I still think about my OW when I’m alone somewhere sometimes – though it is fading), but all our life experiences remain a part of us forever. The trick (I hope) is taking a really bad decision/situation and turning it into something that teaches us, grows us, and helps us be better as we go forward. I hope I can do that, and I hope your husbands can too.

  41. robin

    You know what, Hurting Too? I think you’re right. I think, moving forward that my husband has/will grow from this experience. I think he will never cheat again. I think he will be clear, in the future, that if he starts talking it up with another woman, if he starts confiding in her, if he starts thinking about her outside of work, that he is on a slippery slope and will recognize it for what it is- the beginnings of an affair. I think it will help HIM to grow as he moves forward. He understands, now the ramifications of deceit and lying. Listen, this was the last guy in the world that I, or anyone else who knows him, would EVER have expected to pull this shit. I think it can happen to anyone. The only ones who can ever really understand how devastating it is to fuck around are the ones who have. I’m talking about the good guys here, not the serial affair types or pussy-hounds who are always sniffing around. There ARE good guys out there who make this kind of HUGE mistake. Even if my marriage fails, I would never be the woman to bad-mouth my husband. He was and is a good guy who made a mistake.
    Unfortunately, the one who will not benefit in any of the ways you have described is the cheated-on spouse. I have not grown, learned or improved in any way. I have been left to deal with this pile of shit. Those women who say that their marriages have improved after their husbands’ affairs are fucking liars. They are shoving shit down, putting it in the baggage compartment and sucking it up. There is only a certain type of woman that can do this. How do you get past being left behind, having your heart torn out, humiliation, and fear? I am a strong woman who has dealt with my share of life’s difficulties. I have never felt like anything could win over me. Until now. How have I benefitted. Yeah, I try to tell myself that all the psychobabble bullshit is true, but deep down, I am too smart to buy it. Please, don’t EVER tell your wife. I know, in the past, on this site I have argued the point that you do have to tell. I have changed my mind. I wish I never knew. To say that I would rather have had my husband die is true. That would have been an easier scenario for me. If you love your wife, Hurting Too, don’t ever tell. Just decide now to love her more than yourself and start making it up to her. She will be so delighted with the attention from you that your marriage will improve. Don’t pur it on too heavy, though. She will become suspicious and sniff you out. Good Luck!

  42. tvexplorer

    Hurting Too, I’m am terribly late on responding to your comment, but have always intended to do so. Quite simply, your comment is brilliant, and strikes at the heart and true nature of every cheating man. (At least, those who have engaged in an emotional affair.) I know EXACTLY what you’re saying about the ability to love two women at once. Betrayed spouses don’t believe this, but you and I know it’s true. Also, your comment about Governor Mark Sanford is dead on. I, too, knew exactly how he felt when he was yammering on about his affair. Unfortunately for him, as a public official, he didn’t have the good sense to keep his mouth shut.

    Keep the good comments coming!

  43. Frankenlife

    My wife found out about my affair back in May. I’m still living with her, and she has all but forgiven me for whatever reason, or as Robin mentioned, shoved it down as much as possible. On top of this, I was laid off from a good paying job in January, my house is in foreclosure, and I’m about to file bankruptcy. I also have a handicap son who will always be living with us for the rest of our lives, if we stay together

    The OW was somebody I’ve known since I was seventeen. I met her again in college thirty years ago, and fell madly in love with her. She is the love of my life. We broke up when she moved to California. I went into a deep depression for almost a year. When we broke up, she wanted to stay friends, although difficult, we managed through that. We both married other people, and eventually she moved back and we reconnected eight years ago. What started as an emotional affair eventually turned physical. She left her husband so she could be with me. I was still married.

    I left my wife three years ago for the OW, after I found my wife had ran up over100K in credit card bills. The OW and I had two great years together, and we saw each other on a regular bases. We had a great, loving relationship, and I was never happier than when we were together. In January, I move home when I lost my job, in order to reestablish myself financially, to sell our house, and move my remaining stuff out. Don’t ask me why, I moved back, I’m still not sure.

    It was a strange existence, being home during the week, and going back to OW’s house on the weekends, and my wife having no clue what I was doing until May. I told the OW, that my wife had found out, and as we know, things were never the same. I suggested to the OW that she should date around. Why I told her this I don’t know. I should have left my wife to be with the OW. I’m one of those nice guys, who stayed with my wife because I felt it was the right thing to do, but I’m miserable. My wife is a good, decent person who should have never been treated the way I’ve treated her. I’m a pig, and I never thought of myself as a selfish person.

    I don’t love my wife, and I’m not sure I ever did. I think she’s willing to accept whatever I have to give her, which isn’t much. Along with everything else going on, it makes staying with her very difficult, because I associate her with so many painful things in my life. I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of mourning because I miss the OW. My wife seems so determined to hold on to me. If I were her, I would of kicked me out of the house a long time ago.

    In the meantime the OW got fed up, and found another guy. It was very painful, and hard to accept, but I was largely responsible for making it happen. It kills me to know how effortlessly she’s move on. I blew it. My OW is much like my wife, but much more attractive, and knows how to reach me in a way, no other women can (I know, familiar refrain). She is a very kind, and decent person, and only wants my attention and commitment. I think I could win her back. Once again, we are trying to stay friends. I miss her so much, and think of her obsessively. At this stage of my life, I want a little bit of happiness and peace of mind, but I think I let it slide through my hands.

    So what do I do? Do I suck it up and stay with my wife whom I don’t love, and do the right thing. Do I need to cut it off completely with the OW to move on? I’ve know this women most of my adult life.
    Or for my wife’s sake, and mine, leave, and try to make a new life with the OW or someone else. Is this all a twisted fantasy or do I need treatment. The biggest argument against leaving at this point, is what becomes the purpose of my life? To sit in an apartment by myself, hoping I can be with the OW, or hope I find somebody like her?
    I’ve been to counseling, and nothing in me has changed.

  44. tvexplorer

    Frankenlife, thanks for your comment. Your situation sounds bleak. As far as your unemployment, I’m sorry to hear it. This has been a rough year for a lot of people.

    Let me say up front that I am the last person in the world to be giving advice to anyone. I’m just a guy who had an affair on his wife and chose to blog about it when it was over. With that said, my personal opinion is that you need to accept the fact that OW is gone. Furthermore, you will never find someone just like her. You can find someone different who fulfills different needs, but in all likelihood, OW #1 is gone. You can’t blame her. As you yourself said, you told her to date other men. Then she found someone else who she likes. Is she in love with this guy? Is he single? If so, she probably sees more of a future with him. No wife. Less “baggage.” Possible marriage candidate. All I’m saying is this: You could waste months or even years hoping to get back together with this woman. It’s easy for those of us who have had affairs to get stuck in a post-affair “vacuum.” We sit around dreaming about “what could have been,” while life passes us by.

    My advice is this: Decide. Decide whether to stay with your wife, or whether to leave and find a new love. If you don’t love your wife, and don’t think you ever will, give her the opportunity to find someone who will love her. I know, that’s easier said than done. As for your love life, there are many, many women out there. I’m sure you can find another match. Chances are, you can find someone you love more than your ex-OW. I think people who have affairs –including me– give our ex-lovers TOO MUCH CREDIT. We make them out to be the greatest people in the world when, in reality, they’re not. I don’t know why we do this. I think it has more to do with a void in our own lives that our lovers were able to fill temporarily. But we can debate this all we want. The fact in your case is, your OW is gone. Time to get movin.’ Time to make decisions. Don’t waste another second in the “void.”

  45. Nitehawk 117

    In November of 2007 I fell deeply and madly in love with my soulmate. I am married to the mother of my two beautiful babies who I care for very much. In any case I entered into a relationship with my soulmate while remaining married to my wife. She I believe also fell deeply in love with me, she and I met at work and life was wonderful she made all my dreams come true. My life was torn in two directions I loved my soulmate with everything I had. On the other hand my dad left me at birth and I suffered tremendously as boy growing up with no father. I could not leave my babies behind or for that matter for a part time dad. I continued to live a dual life, my soulmate knew from the beginning that I was not ready to leave my babies long before we decicded to venture into a rlationship. She was good with my decision as she also had children but all but graduated from high school. In February 2008 she moved closer to me so we could spend more time together in November of 2008 she moved back down to live with her parents son and daughter. In 2009 my wife developed lung cancer and I spent a lot of time carrying for her, shortly after that I was diagnosed with lymphoma. In May of 2009 I told her that cancer was all a big lie and she dumped within three days of my telling her this story. Her reason was she could not support a liar.Hello isn’t that kettle calling the pot black!
    In any case my wife is totally cancer free unfortunatley I am not. In any case I did not lie other than to say there was no cancer when there really was for both of us. I had friend tell “trust but verify so I did. What I wonder is did I verify that in the event I had left my wife for my soulmate would she be taking me to chemo and radiation treatments. 7 months later what I have learned is that “cheaters never prosper” and “quiters never win”. Karma begets Karma I have cancer and someday someone will leave her in her hour of need I think I made the right choice even though she dumped me I think ultimately she never really loved me. I hope I will be over her in a year!

  46. tvexplorer

    Nitehawk, first of all, sorry to hear about the cancer. That’s got to be tough, and on top of it, you’re dealing with a heartbreak. I’m going to be honest with you. I no longer subscribe to the soul mate-thing. It’s a romantic idea, but I believe that in the end, people are selfish and do what’s best for them. I think the fact that your ex-lover dropped you as soon as she heard the news about your cancer proves that. She can talk about lies all she wants, but she helped perpetuate a lie by entering into a relationship with you, a married man. I’m not making judgment when I say that. Hell, I’m the biggest liar (or was) of them all. But at the end of the day, people demonstrate double-standards and are happy to “call the pot black.” It’s what we do. It’s in our nature. It’s what every married person who enters into an affair ultimately learns. Hence, you are correct in your statement that “cheaters never prosper.” I agree that we don’t. I, too, hope for your sake you are able to get over her, and quickly. But we all know, doing so is a bitch. Good luck to you.

  47. robin

    “Soulmate” is a bullshit concept. I don’t believe in it. Love is real and work is real. Nothing prospers without work and attention.

  48. tvexplorer

    Robin, I’m with you on that. The soulmate-thing is an illusion designed to trap us, and often does. It’s wishful, but unrealistic thinking. The stuff of Harlequin romance.

  49. verity

    As a woman who had an affair my views are just the same as the views expressed by men here, particularly in relation to being able to love two men at the one time (husband, lover)

    There is a lot of talk about trying to get inside the mind of men who cheat.

    It’s just the same as women who do

  50. tvexplorer

    Verity, I wouldn’t say it’s exactly the same. We men with our penises are in a class of our own! :-) However, I agree that people of both sexes enter into affairs for largely the same reasons.

  51. Whatnext

    I recently ended up having my first (and I hope, only) affair with a woman from my work. I understood immediately after meeting her that we were attracted to each other, but shook it off as I had just moved in with my girlfriend of 2 years, and she’d been with her boyfriend for 4 years. We soon ended up drunk and kissing one night, which was then followed by many more nights of meeting up after work to become far more intimate.

    On one of these occasions, the OW admitted she had fallen in love with me. I felt the same, and told her, but had held off from mentioning it before then, perhaps I just did not want to admit it to myself. We continued to see each other regularly for 3 months, spending a lot of time together (not just in the bedroom), and becoming very close emotionally, although every few weeks the OW would contact me saying that we had to end it. I wouldn’t argue, despite it hurting a great deal, but within a few days or a week we would find ourselves back to square one.

    In the last few weeks it has become quite clear that the roles have actually reversed, and now I am the one massively in love with the OW, whereas she has admitted now to seeing me more as a substitute for the lack of attention her boyfriend shows her. She, realising this, has broke it off with me properly, stating that the christmas and new year break will allow us – me in particular – to move on with things. I feel so confused about things, and infinitely more used than I could describe, although I would never allow this to show to her.

    She seems to feel more strongly than ever about her boyfriend, even talking about how much she wants to marry him, whilst I can’t say the same about my own relationship. The whole thing has made me feel jealous and inadequate, I don’t know if these are emotions generally associated with affairs? She seems to deal with the thought of never being together again far better than I am.

    I understand she must be hurting too, and ultimately if one person suffers the most hurt in all of this, it should be me rather than either of our partners – neither of them deserve to be hurt by what we have done. Despite all this, I am still overwhelmed with feelings for the OW that are clearly not dissipating as quickly as hers.

    Where did her feelings for me go? Why did it last several months rather than being a one night fling, if she was never really in love with me? If she was really certain about marrying her boyfriend, why did she go out of her way to see me so often? I don’t know if I’ll ever get answers to any of those questions. What makes it worse is for the immediate future we will see each other (perhaps only briefly) most days of the week, which will only add to the pain.

    I am already missing simple things, like the way she speaks to me when we are alone, her scent, the actual just being together physically.. I hope I can somehow come to terms with everything that has happened and move forwards, and not let her consume my thoughts for too long.

    Without sounding hypocritical and accusatory (God knows I don’t have any right!), whilst spending time with her I have found that she regularly speaks to her ex online (something her boyfriend is abhorent to and is totally unaware of) and has at ‘least’ kissed a married man from her old work – perhaps I have had a lucky escape?

  52. tvexplorer

    WhatNext, I apologize for the late approval on your comment. I receive quite a few comments on here, and since I rarely log on anymore, they become back-logged. The question you raised, “Where did her feelings go?” is always the question in the affair-world. It’s a simple formula: When affairs end, one person gets hurt. The other goes on with their life, seemingly, without a care in the world. It sucks, but it’s true. I’ve seen it over and over on this blog with other commenters. I wish there was a better answer for you. All I can say is, hang in there. This too shall pass. I promise.

  53. Whatnext

    Thanks for your reply! It is comforting that to know that I am not alone in how I feel about all this. It has been over a week since I wrote that message, and unfortunately I can’t say I’m feeling much better, the OW has been in contact occasionally, but it would seem more to make sure that I am not going to do something irrational (such as telling her boyfriend everything). I’ve never met the man and have no intention of doing so. It’s offending that she would consider me capable of doing that! Hopefully with time I can begin to recover emotionally from this. Again, thank you for your words of wisdom!

  54. Moving On.....

    Hi everyone, I want to share my story, I hope I dont bore you with the details too much so I will try to be brief. I have been with my husband for 19 yrs. Been married for 13 years. We have 3 wonderful kids. We have had a wonderful life together and had our ups and downs like any normal couple. We emigrated to a different country so both decided to join social network sites to keep in touch with family and friends. Before long we were getting in touch with old friends we hadnt seen in such a long time. One of the old friends was an old boyfriend of mine. I never told my husband. After a few small messages it wasnt before long in him telling me that when he seen my photo that his heart had skipped a beat and regretted all those years ago us breaking up. I was flattered and all those old feelings we had all those years ago came rushing back. We exchanged phone no’s and chatted. I started to question my feelings for my husband as I was allowing another man into my life. I felt like such an awful person. My husband knew there was something wrong with me as I became distant. I eventually confessed it all. He was in such a shock, as nothing like this has ever happened in all our years together. He told me it devastated him that another man had turned my head. After seen the hurt I caused my husband and remembering all our years together I knew that my feelings for the other man weren’t real and just me been flattered that someone else would want me. My husband read the messages between me and this man. I couldn’t believe I’d hurt him this much. I wanted it to go back to the way we were before. He tried to talk to me about it but I said letforget about it and lets go back to normal.
    Everything went back to normal or so I thought. About 3 months after my confession, my husband was privately messaging a mutual friend, She was an old friend from my school and a girl he remembered from his college that had a little thing for each other back when they were 16. It didnt worry me as he said she wasnt his type and they drifted apart. She had a family herself 3 kids to 2 different men and never married. She stayed in contact with me and asked about our weekly goings on just idle chit chat. We were making a visit home and she even said we should meet up with an old friend and reminisce on old times. All this time she chatted to me she was telling my husband how he was the one and how jealous of how she felt when we first got together. She asked him why he was mailing her and asked if he had ever cheated. He told her he had never cheated and told her about me been in touch with an old love. They eventually swapped no’s and chatted on the phone. I never had no incline to this going on. I thought my life was back to normal. We made our way home for a months visit. The first day home he disappeared for a little while. Told me he was catching up with an old friend. I trusted him and took his word. During the holiday we acted like any normal family catching up with family, everything seemed normal. He spent 2 nights away which didnt bother me as I did the same thing catching up with people. The last couple of days of our holiday he told me we had done the right thing moving and said how much he loved me. He thought I was going to meet up with my old B/F I was ashamed I made him feel like that. Anyway long story short we got home and about a month later I got a message from a total stranger telling me of my husband having a fling. The stranger I think was of the woman who called herself my friend. She had realized he wanted it to be over so she tried anything to get us to split up. He confessed he spent 2 nights with her. I was devastated but knew the reasons behind it all. He showed me proof that he wanted it over as he confessed to one of his friends. He was upset he had got himself into this situation. Everyone makes mistakes and some you just cant take back. My mistake caused my husband to cheat. I’m just shocked at who it was with. She made out he hounded her, she gave out her address pretty damn quick and opened her legs to a man she hadnt seen for years…she tried to make him out to be the bad one. I know my husband loves me, this was the most upset I’d ever seen him. I didnt think I was going to get over it as I knew her. But 7 months later we are still together. Why throw away all those years away on a dirty slag. I will always hate her, she had no thought for me or my kids that I will never understand. If she never knew me I could’ve understood that more. I just see her as a jealous, selfish vindictive woman. I no I made a mistake she couldnt even admit to hers. There is a lot of other stuff but I would go on to much. But at the end of the day we learnt the hard way. We will never put each other through this hurt again. It isnt worth it. Take a step back and think about your actions. You have to make a choice you cannot have 3 people in a marriage. Someone always ends up hurt. We have moved on and will never take each other for granted again. We never ever thought this kind of thing would happen to us. You dont realize how hurting it feels till it happens to yourself.

  55. tvexplorer

    Moving on…

    Excellent story. Glad to hear you’ve been able to put this bad episode behind you. Like you say, a one night stand (or in your husband’s case, a two night stand) shouldn’t be allowed to undermine a happy, long-term marriage. I applaud you for forgiving your husband.

  56. presson

    tvexplorer,
    Did you love the ex back then and do you still love her and think of her now?

  57. tvexplorer

    Presson,

    Thanks for your comment. My answer to your first question is…yes…no…maybe. You asked, “Did I love my ex back then?” I think I began to love her (while the affair was going on) and I didn’t even realize it. And certainly, by the time the affair was over and I couldn’t see her anymore, I really felt like I loved her. Do I love her now? Perhaps. I can’t get her out of my mind. And that, of course, answers your last question. Do I think about her? Put it this way, I wish like hell I could not think about her. Life would be so much easier.

  58. PressOn

    tv,
    Thanks for the quick response.

    What was missing in your marriage that drove you to start the affair? Did you enter the affair with the goal for sex gratification or sex was just a by-product, and emotional connection was the driving force?

    Since you are still in the marriage, and you said you wish you could get her out of your mind. Am I right to say that your needs haven’t been met and that is why you still miss the ex so much?

    Did you have sex with your wife during the affair? And do you have sex with your wife now?

    I sincerely believe most, if not all, affairs stems from the unmet needs!!! Maybe I am wrong.

    Although I am a female & single, I believe I could imagine how hard you have fell for the ex that you needed writing to be your refuge.

  59. PressOn

    tv,
    I guess it maybe helpful if i explained my situation a bit so that u may know where I am coming from and why I asked u those questions. As I have stated in my previous message that I am a a female and single.

    For the past 1 1/2 years, I have been pursued by a very talented, accomplished married man, HT. He is very attracted to me physically and emotionally. We work at the company, and he is at the TOP management position of my company.
    All our communications occur during working hours. Our involvement is purely emotional than physical. He did invite me to join him for an oversea business trip last year, but I declined. I’ve told him many times to go home and work on his marriage and at the same time try to end the r/ship. But I could not fully end it due to the agony I saw in him. I also believe over time, my feelings for him also grow. I think that is the sad part.

    The reason I can still remain a bit “sane” is because my dad has an on-going extra marital-affair, and I see the devastation on my mom. As a daughter, I was very disappointed. In American culture, normally the betrayed spouse will give an ultimatum and if the swayed spouse remains unfaithful, then divorce normally will take place. It is NOT quite so in other cultures. Normally the wife will tolerate. And that is the case with my mom. My dad still has two women in his life.

    HT married his wife on a rebound r/ship. His wife loves him, but he was never physically attracted to his wife.
    His, for the past few years, is a sexless marriage. And this unfulfilled need in some way has caused him depression. Does he love his wife? Yes, he does, “because she is the mother of my children,” he said.

    Yes, he has used the ‘L’ word quite a few times to me, but I didn’t truly believe him until two days ago.
    In his agony, he told me that he loves someone and wants to have that someone to love him back. The someone is me.

    He wants to get out of his marriage and yet he could not leave his teenager children, especially one that has some severe behavioral issues, in which he fears his leaving would result dire impact on the child. And that is where he is torn.

    Do I love him? I believe I do. But I love myself and my life more. Mine is a good life.

    Any advice you would provide will greatly appreciated me.

  60. tvexplorer

    PressOn, thanks for your comment. You’ve presented lots of great questions, but the truth is, I don’t have the energy to answer them. You see, after an affair, a person reaches a point where they don’t want to think about those things anymore. It’s too painful. Takes you back to a dark place. Plus, nearly three years after my affair, I’m analyzed-out. I say this in the nicest way, and it’s not directed toward you. I’m just to the point where I can’t discuss the dynamics of what happened anymore.

    But I will say this. You’re asking my advice whether or not you should enter into an affair with a married man. My first thought is, if you look at all the affair-blogs on the web (including this one), you will see that the people writing them are damaged in some way. We come here to express ourselves because our lives have exploded around us. Whether it’s a cheating husband or a single mistress, everyone gets “screwed” in the affair-game. They never turn out the way we had hoped. They are a sure-fire way to destroy your life, and the lives of those around you.

    I know that sounds harsh, if not judgmental. Believe me, I didn’t think I’d sound this way a year or two ago. But given what I’ve seen, and what I’ve personally experienced, I would say that affairs are to be avoided at all costs. So your married man loves you? Then there is only one option. He must divorce his wife before entering into a physical relationship with you. Anything short of that is a lie, and lies are what’ll get you burned. How many ex-mistresses in the blogosphere have written about MM’s (married men) who left them to return to their families because “it was the right thing to do.” Married men are notorious for that. Plus, they like to get laid.

    You mentioned your own father. You’ve seen first-hand what happens when married men have relationships with other women. If you’re young and single, I recommend you explore other options, as there are plenty of good, single men in the ocean. Affairs are trouble no one needs. Believe me.

  61. PressOn

    tv,
    thanks for the response. I appreciate your bluntness, and I am not offended in any ways. Truth is good, although it stinks. :)

    Is it possible that you take my previous message off the blog and NOT display this message as well?

    You are right to say that married men are notorious to say “that is the right thing to do.”

    I just have to find a way to end this emotional affair. Emotional affairs seem to linger longer than the physical ones. Maybe I am wrong.

    Thank you again for your advice. :)

  62. anotherother1

    I could not agree more, TV. If there is ONE thing I would change about my affair is that I would have not entered into any sort of physical relationship while he (or I) was still married.

    We started as friends and became emotionally involved. We resisted the physical part of the relationship for only so long. I love him…love him still. Once we were outed, he wanted to “do the right thing.” To me, doing the right thing was being honest about US!!

    We are still deeply embroiled in the emotional part of our affair. He pulls me back in, then pulls away. He makes promises that are never kept. He tells me he is “figuring this out.”

    Needless to say, I am confused and hurting most of the time. My life is on hold, in limbo, in purgatory.

    Anyone thinking of an affair, or on the verge of one, needs to back off and address the issues that are CAUSING an affair first! PLEASE!

    Love is valuable. Cherish it and honor it. Don’t tarnish it with lies. Love should not have to be hidden. Love that is hidden is ultimately flawed.

  63. tvexplorer

    Anotherother1,

    Well said! Affairs are a clusterf–k. Nothing good ever comes from them. Your story sounds oh-so familiar to me. I’ve heard it a million times from a million people. All I can say is this: You WILL weather the storm. But it’s going to take time. Many long and miserable months, and perhaps even years. But know this: The longer you maintain contact with your lover (or ex-lover), the longer it will take to get through this hell you are describing. The healing can only begin when all contact has ceased. Trust me on this. It’s pay now or pay later.

  64. tv, glad I found your meaningful advises and conversations.

    For me, the pain will last depending on how much love you give to that person and how hurt you are when he/she left you. However, why let it go if you can regain that feelings again when you were madly and deeply in love with each other. Give chance!

  65. PB

    I’ve just started following the site and I don’t want to bore anyone with stuff that everyone already knows. My story is about 12 months old, starting last July. To cut a long story short, on a business trip I ended up with a female colleague – both drunk – which I wrote off as a 1 night stand. Unfortunately, this happened again a month later. Same deal, or so I thought.
    From that point, things started getting more intense – private lunches, drinks, coffee somewhere, texts, emails etc.
    Both of us are married – me for 14 years with 2 kids and her for 7 years with 1 kid – in our early 40s and have similar jobs (she actually worked for me for 3 months before taking over from me). I had just been through a ‘career crisis’ and I guess I felt my wife didn’t really understand how things were and how I was feeling (I can hear myself saying “my wife doesn’t understand me!”).
    Things started getting serious around November to January ’09 – or at last from my end. OW seemed to be ‘take it or leave it’ and I was never sure how she felt – I guess I ended up chasing her and she would never open up to me (she told me she admired my “emotional honesty”). That’s me all over – far too needy!
    All in all we only spent 5 nights together with lots of extremely stressful periods (for me anyway) in between.
    To be honest, it was a disaster waiting to happen – we didn’t really have anything in common (apart from work), no real shared values or beliefs, I am quite ‘positive’ towards people, she is very critical etc. etc. We had a bit of a laugh at times and the sex was very good, but that (looking back logically) was about all. We blew hot and cold a lot and she had a way of ignoring me for weeks before wanting me again. I couldn’t cope with that.
    It came to head in January when my wife found out (stray texts and emails!). I told her everything, up to a point, I didn’t tell her how ‘far’ it went – I knew that would destroy her. I don’t feel proud of this and have maintained the ‘lie’ (and I know that this is a guilt that I’ll have for the rest of my life). I think the fact that I was unfaithful to any degree was enough for it to be recognised that we had a problem (to be fair to her she had tried to get me to be more open and communicative a number of times in the past).
    We agreed to go to counselling, although at first I think I was just ‘going through the motions’ and didn’t really want to be there. This coincided with Valentine’s Day when OW decided (for the first time) that she actually wanted and loved (although she never said those words) me. This threw me into a tail spin and I was all over the place. She gave me an ultimatum – all or nothing – she said we could never be friends (which on reflection was true as we weren’t really before the affair). I chose the latter, largely because at the time I was a coward, scared of putting others and myself through sh*t and for what? I really wanted her, but knew deep down that we weren’t right for each other. Probably a 99% certainty that our relationship would have lasted 6 months at the most if we had both jumped, but it still hurt like hell. I got a lot of advice from close personal friends, which largely pointed to thinking about how little there was to go on to risk throwing away everything I had (home, kids, friends).
    Moving on 8 months to now, we haven’t said a word to each other since February and, although we work in the same office block, we are in different parts of the building (thank god) and don’t see each other on a day to day basis. The first 4 months of no contact whatsoever really hurt and I kept thinking that she either hated me or couldn’t care a sh*t about me. Reading these blogs makes me think that I’m probably wrong and the best defence mechanism to getting hurt further is indifference and she employs that well. I do still see her from time to time, from a distance, and if we do bump into each other we can’t even bring ourselves to even say ‘hello’ to each other. I think I’m just about reconciled to this now but I have been looking for a new job for a couple of months to stop the ‘what ifs’ and the temptation to do something (a part of me wants to make her tell me exactly how she felt or feels about me). I still really deep down have feelings for her, and a part of me wants to put this to her – almost to get a reaction. However, I’m not convinced and my friends’ advice is adamant that that would be VERY bad idea – the reaction I get might be a backlash or malicious or who know what.
    However, counselling for 4 months has really worked and, whilst there will always be trust issues, my wife has viewed some of this as positive(?) and it has got some stuff out in the open that was festering away and has got us talking more. I’m now more mentally at home than I was.
    I still occasionally think about OW (seeing other comments suggests it’ll take years to stop that) but I have had time to think logically about her and realise that the odds were never stacked in our favour – 2 people who were unhappy who found comfort in each other for a short period of time! One thing that helped was visualising how I felt about my wife after a similar amount if time in our relationship (6 months) – same passion, same desire, same need, but no ‘buts’ – that really helped.
    Not sure of any of this helps or is useful or just so what. It does feel like a release to write it though.

  66. tvexplorer

    PB, thanks for your comment. No one is ever late to this party. Believe me. People come and people go from here. But when it comes to adultery, there’s a never-ending supply of victims. I appreciate the detail of your story. I know what you mean when you say you still have feelings for her. It’s like a switch is thrown inside the brain, and now you can’t stop thinking about this person who wouldn’t make a good match if the truth be told. Yep, I definitely know what you’re saying! The good news is, you’re still with your wife, and you’re working out this affair-thing. Feel free to vent here anytime.

  67. PB

    tv, thanks. I have to admit I wrote my comment on a ‘bad day’ – you know, one of those days when everything seems to remind you of specific instances in time during your relationship. I guess I’m lucky that there are not many of those ‘I was with her when …. happened’ moments – we never really got to the position where we had those shared memories (places, songs etc.).

    Today is a good day however, but I appreciate that I now have an outlet when the inevitable bad day comes again (it also saves me from rleying too much on my close friends, who have problems of their own). Cheers.

  68. PB

    welcome to the dance……
    stick to your guns dude, as you’ve already surmised in all honesty this girl is probably in no way a match for you. In the real world (which believe me is no way at all connected to the affair world!) you probably wouldn’t last six months, just long enough for the guilt of breaking up your family to really kick in… Harsh sounding I know but the truth. However kicking the thoughts to the curb is never as easy as you’d hope and you do have good and bad days, that’s why I’m glad I found this blog (shame it was a bit too late really to get fully involved in some of the discussions) and eventually started my own blog, it gives you a chance to shout it out and vent some of the feelings that build up inside you. Feel free to take a stroll over and join in the commentary any time you like.

  69. lahsha

    Dear tv,
    it is never to late to join this party…hell has alot of members… I am so glad things are still going good for you, you are often in my thoughts and I take it things are still going good for you. I don’t thinkyou will ever know how much you helped and still help your faithful readers. You made us realize we ar not alone… and that my dear is the greatest gift you can give someone drowning . Please keep us updated remind us that their is life afterwards… and UOTI thank you for letting us (you know who i am talking about LOL) vent cry stuggle and survive knowing we are among kindred spirits…

  70. tvexplorer

    Thanks lahsha, I am definitely doing well. Still have my “moments,” of course, but things have gotten progressively better. Coming up on the 3-year anniversary of my D-Day. Hard to believe that much time has passed. I will probably post an update on what 3 years feels like, but every time I think about doing it, I change my mind. The affair just doesn’t have the meaning it used to have (thank God). But I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about her often. Mostly, I wonder what she’s up to, and if she’s doing well. Odd, huh? :-)

  71. lahsha

    TV,
    no not odd, you cant erase those memories of that OW and it is only human to wonder how she is doing and the fact you hope she is doing good is an inspiration… you used to not wish her to be doing good LOL. The most important thing is You are doing good :))) Sounds like you have really moved past teh afffair the dday and all that followed. Please write the update..you have helped so many of us… everyone wants to hear from the host of the party even though you have managed to escape this little party in hell. Anyway tv, I truly hope things continue to go great for you andthanks for responding.. as one southerner to another i hope you continue to say you all come back now hear LOL

  72. aolele

    Hello tv, how nice to still have you around. You’re our guru, no less :) You were so right about blogging being the ultimate release like screaming out of the window. Even though I didn’t build my own window, a fellow brother in arms lets me scream out of his. Ultimate therapy.

    I just realized that ever since my affair ended, I have never, not once looked at his FB account, searched his name through Google, or even wondered what he’s doing. Maybe because his last description of what he’s doing with his wife after the D-day was already too much :D

    Sometimes, though, I wonder how he remembers me after these months. I hope it is the same whirlpool of emotions as mine towards him – from love to hate, then back to love and then return to hate every single day. I don’t want him to let go and wish me well. Not just yet.

  73. Flattened

    lahsha, not trying to dig too deep, but I couldn’t help notice you called TV a fellow southerner. I couldn’t help wondering how southern?

  74. lahsha

    LOL flattened, i drink my tea sweet, i like my biscuits and gravy, made a point to teach my daughters how to make both.. Gone with the wind is the best movie ever made and the best book ever written… My state was a border state during a cerain war and the president during that war was born in my home state… so how southern are you my dearest flattened> disclaimer: i have no idea where tv lives but i assume from previous blogs he at some point in time was in the south… if i am wrong please forgive me tv

  75. Flattened

    Got it. Did you know both Presidents during that war were born in your state? And Margaret Mitchell was born in mine. Dear aolele has figured out nearly where I am, though I have no clue about her.

  76. lahsha

    yes I know they both were LOL… and I know your state too… I have visited Mrs. Mitchell hometown many many times

  77. Fiona

    “One year is how long it takes to stop beating your head against the wall trying to make sense of things”

    Thank God, cos I’ve done nine months and I’m getting sooooooo tired! Please let this torture end soon.

  78. Hurting and confused

    As I read all your stories and comments. I feel much the same as all of you! I’m wanting answers, needing answers that I know I probably will never get which breaks my heart the most! :(

    I am the OW. The affair started a year ago. I started a new job and was a co-worker. From the first moment I met him, I knew right then and there, he was my soul mate the kne I needed to live my life with. As he had told me he felt the same from That very first moment. We just knew we were meant to be together!
    It started off with a lot of talking and texting, coffee dates, long drives. Talked about family, alot about family ( his daughter from a previous high school relationship who his new wife sees as damaged goods and wants close to nothing to do with her ) he said he knew I be a perfect role modle for her and his family would adore me and see
    Him with someone like me. He been with her for 5 years and married for one. He said he could not picture a future with her and marrying her was a mistake. He loved me and knew i was the one god created for him. However he would say how he felt bad, how he’s not this type of man and has never cheated on anyone. But he truly loves me! He also said he feels bad because he not the type of man to run from his problems and feels like a coward if he were to run from his marriage.

    She found messages we’ve sent about 3 months into it and tried to contact me but I ignored it. He denied it to her and then we didn’t speak for a month. But obviously working together made that hard. So again we ended up talking and just falling right back into one anothers arms. And got alot more intense. We eneded up sleeping together last month. The first time. It was amazing. I know he is my soulmate. He promised me we will have a future together soon.
    However this pass week. She had found messages between us again. And of
    Course. I had gotten the blame for everything. Days went by and I never herd from him and finally I seen him
    At work. He looked at me
    But didn’t speak and tonight i seen him again. We were surrounded by other workers. So was impossible
    To talk about anything but I just wanted to hug him so bad tell him I’ve missed him. Yes I was upset with him but I just miss him. He briefly looked at me, like
    He wanted to say something but walked
    Away.

    I know this has been mumbled, but between my tears I’m doing my best trying to
    Write this. I don’t know what to do now or where to turn.. Do I ask him
    What is happening? Do I try and forget and move on??? Does he hate me? What’s he thinking? What’s he feeling? Does he miss me?? I feel like I need to talk to him but I’m
    Afraid ;(.

  79. tvexplorer

    Hurting and Confused,

    Thanks for your comment. Sorry it’s taken me so long to approve it and reply. I rarely check this blog anymore. I have moved on from the affair world and am now smack dab in the middle of a bitter divorce (that started with my affair). I know how you’re feeling. But then, so do all the people who have left comments on this blog. My advice is simple: Move on before your affair destroys your life…and it will! This hurt you feel was pass over time. You’re in love with this guy. Now you need to fall out of love. I know you won’t listen. No one ever does. They follow their heart and not their brain. But BELIEVE ME when I say, your affair is over. Forget what he thinks (or what you think he thinks) and move on.

    Tv

  80. Madison

    TVexplorer, I know you don’t check this blog often anymore and I’m sorry to hear that you are currently in the middle of a bitter divorce :( I just wanted to tell you thank you for this blog. I stumbled upon it today and read through all of it. I am a married woman of 10 years and we have two children. We’ve had our moments (he cheated in the past) and I’ve come to find I have a very long-suffering personality, lol. I understood why he did it, asked my initial questions, forgave him and put it to rest – never bringing it up again. I have been faithful to him through our whole marriage…until 2 months ago. I found myself getting close to a man I met and as it got heated, I found myself justifying it – that I had earned it for dealing with my husband’s shady past. I love my husband dearly but this new guy made me feel that “new love” excitement. It was just supposed to be about sex…but then he said he was falling for me. Instead of ending things then, I let my guard down and started to fall for him too. Then after a couple of weeks, when our communication became more frequent, he got distant – said that too many emotions and feelings were involved and the fact was I have a husband and family established. FYI, my affair partner is single. He said he had a lot going on in his life (custody battle with ex-wife, etc) and he felt pressure from our constant communication. Okay…I was completely baffled. He was the one that said he was falling for me and now this? *sighs* So I told him I would leave him alone and I was sorry if I was adding to his stress. I told him I hoped everything worked out for him and wished him the best. He never responded to my final text and the official words “good-bye” were never spoken by either of us. I deleted his info from my phone to prevent myself from contacting him. But my BFF (who knew about this other man) gets random texts from him. Just status updates on how he is doing. What the heck is that about? My BFF is an attractive female that he only knew through me. So naturally my first reaction is OH DEAR GOD! Is he moving on to her? Or maybe…he’s using her as a way to have some sort of connection/ window into my life? He sends her a random text once every 4 or 5 days. I find myself going CRAZY thinking about all of this. My mind is telling me to MOVE ON but my heart is still holding on. And hold on to what? Would I have ever left my husband for this guy? No. So dear God, I need to move on. It just hurts to bad and I feel so weak right now.

    Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for this blog and I hope you get past your divorce quickly and find happiness :)

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