At first glance, eBay item #25006732 looked suspicious. Remorse in a capsule. Two-week supply. Money back if not completely satisfied! The seller in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin seemed anxious to get rid of it, as though no one else was buying. What the hell, I thought. His feedback looked good, and if there’s one thing I need more than anything, it’s remorse. I have struggled failed to produce my own since cheating on my wife more than a year ago.
I know. That sounds fucked up.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely remorseful for the suffering I have caused my family. Adultery, I’ve learned, is a form of murder. But instead of killing, it maims, a fate worse than death. But do I regret the act itself? The act of caring for someone who was never mine to begin with? No, I don’t. I’ve tried, but I don’t. I only regret the collateral damage my affair caused.
For my ex-lover, remorse came quickly and absolutely in the weeks following our affair. It was evident in the one or two emails she sent, which were replies to my emails to make me stop writing. “We were both wrong.” “We did this to ourselves.” “Now we must suffer the consequences.” (Or something like that.) She was drinking remorse from a 2-liter bottle, and by her tone, there was more where that came from.
Me? I was high and fucking dry in the remorse department.
I don’t know why. I can’t figure it out. A man who knowingly and willfully beds another man’s wife should feel some remorse. And at the very least, some semblance of remorse should begin to seep in long after the affair. But nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zilch.
My wife has told me a thousand times, ‘You’re not sorry you cheated. You’re sorry you got caught.’ Fuckin’ ay, I’m sorry. As far as I’m concerned, this whole “getting caught” thing could have been avoided. But a man whose cheating partner is susceptible to remorse is destined to be caught. (Guys, you’d better take note of this.)
Here’s what I think. I think I’m a decent man with decent principles, who believes in what is right. I even consider myself to be honest, even though I perpetuated a great lie. But remorse? A sense of deep regret or moral anguish from past misdeeds? I don’t even know what that is, or what it feels like.
Perhaps I will.
When I enter my bid on eBay.
P.S. I am beach-bound, baby! Back on the 27th.
16 Comments
June 16, 2009 at 11:21 pm
You raise a very good point, TV. What really is remorse? How does it manifest itself? Can one decide to be remorseful?
I asked P once: “Are you remorseful for having cheated on me?” His answer: “I am remorseful for the harm I inflicted on our relationship.”
I asked him a slightly different question: “Are you remorseful for having had sex with others?” His answer: “I am remorseful for having hurt you and us but I can’t say I am remorseful for the sex I’ve had. I feel guilty for having cheated, but I am not remorseful.”
Ouch! Those were telling yet, I believe, honest answers.
I’ve thought a lot about this in the past two years. I think that remorse may be a feeling that the cheatee wishes upon the cheater to help restore his/her wounded ego by undermining the cheater’s ego. But it is not a healthy or helpful feeling.
I also think that remorse on the part of the cheater, like forgiveness on the part of the ‘cheatee’, are feelings one cannot command or produce at will. I may be wrong, but I’ve come to believe that remorse, like forgiveness, are the distilled essences of complex feelings and inner processes. They may come with time, or they may not come at all, but they cannot be summoned as part of a rational decision-making process.
I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps what matters more than remorse is atonement, or what one does to expiate and repair the harm done. And it is my impression that you have done well in that department.
June 17, 2009 at 3:00 am
i think you are not remorseful for the same reason im not… its not that we dont know right from wrong… or that we fucked up big time. however, we are not remorseful because that would seem to imply some sort of regret in life… and lets face it- you and i both are not looking for regrets in life- just a way to get the best out of it… we just have crossed some boundaries along the way and are trying to make better decisions…
going to the beach is a GREAT decision… i hope you have/had a GREAT time!
June 17, 2009 at 4:05 am
i agree with MM about remorse being linked to regret. only you can really know what made the OW so important to you. and its for those reasons that you hold now regrets and feel no remorse. you may know that cheating is wrong …. but i guess its the reasons that are next in line for being wrong. and if you believe in your reasons then im sure remorse wont fill your heart.
hmm … this post actually makes me think about some stuff i never thought about. i will probably have to do some writing about this remorse thing too
June 17, 2009 at 8:14 am
Well here is the “Chaz Theory of Self-Preservation”….
Basically, few if any change anything substantial in our lives unless we first feel pain. We are selfishly self-preserving by nature (sorry for the double use). We only change if we have to mainly to benefit self. Even if there is a bigger picture like us not wishing to hurt our families… even that is often centred around the personal pain or discomfort we feel.
These are just my observations of life.
So I wonder then if your lack of remorse varies directly with the amount of loss you suffered… which is frankly minimal if we look at it in the narrow context of your wife staying with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I hear you that it is a tough existence being the adulterer and being judged, scorned, blamed and untrusted.
I am simply saying that you and your wife stayed together and maybe your subconsious is telling you that things are basically OK. And therefore the deep agonizing remorse is not relevant to how your situation turned out.
Second to that… I wonder if the expected agonizing expressions of remorse are the only expressions of remorse? I wonder if we do not all have our own ways of processing remore? I wonder if we are somehow conditioned to expect only a dramatic expression filled with perhaps emotion, tears, apologies.
Who is to bloody say how anyone processes anything? Sure, we know what is typical or expected. Yet we really do not know what goes on in another person.
I say this from experience because I too was on the receiving end of blame, criticm, and anger for having been hurtful to others with my behaviour.
I tried at different times to express remorese in ways that I felt I should, but they frankly felt forced. Not knowing any other way, I tried them.
They did not come accross as believable, even to me.
Yet I can identify regret from which I had to recover that was not what others may see as remorse.
A lot of my regret processes through my thoughts more than emotion. Does that negate it from being remorse? Who is to say.
I hate how my behaviour was hurtful to my family. I hate that I was so selfish and oblivious. I hate that my conduct was selfish and dangerous. But I can’t honestly say that I connect with remorse as others describe it.
To me, a big part of recovery is gaining freedom from run-away feelings and one of those to me is the over-emotional expression of regret for one’s past.
I have yet to meet the person who has had a pristine life and not done something majorly hurtful or stupid. Ok, some shut-in nerds perhaps but I am talking about any of us who have had families, careers, relationships, etc.
Who, I wonder, has not made at least one monumental blunder that hurt some of those they love? I honestly do not know of a one.
So my point is that the knowledge of this fact aleviates much of the remorse to me. I just do not feel it because I know that blunders are human and frequent.
It is not that I do not care about those I have hurt, I most definitely do. I simply feel I process my past wrongs in ways that may not be emotional, dramatic or tear-filled. Nor do I drink (anymore), nor wish to kill myself (anymore), nor isolate (anymore). So in the absence of these expressions… am I considered unremorseful?
I am going with “no”. I simply process and express regret in ways that perhaps others who do not have my make up and have not travelled my path do not.
Maybe same with you?
Eh?
Ciao.
Chaz
(Sorry about verboseness… an issue close to my heart I suppose).
June 17, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Chaz, you may be right. If my wife had left me, I may be swimming in remorse right now. But it’s hard to be sure. I may in fact be suppressing feelings of remorse. Perhaps it’s part of my recovery, as you pointed out. All I know is that I valued my relationship with OW, even though it crossed the line. Do I value her now? Oh hell no. That slack-ass weakling cost me dearly.
Uncensoredmind, you raise an excellent point as well. Do I resist feelings of remorse to avoid being “wrong”? I’ll have to ponder this for a while. I do hate being wrong. I look forward to your post on the remorse-thing.
MM, I definitely don’t need regret in my life. I know you feel the same way. Remorse or not, I believe this chapter of my life will help me make better decisions in the future, as you pointed out.
Nituru, you blew my mind with your comment. YES! Atonement is a better word for what I’m experiencing. My life these days is all about atonement. But remorse? I agree that it’s something the cheatee tries to impose on the cheater. You are correct in saying feelings of remorse cannot be summoned. God knows I have tried, but failed.
June 20, 2009 at 1:02 am
in response to remorse, regret, etc… and a comment you made on my latest post… i still try to wrap my head around what he thinks about… not that it should matter… but you and i both know it does. when you are a stranded lover left with questions and seek out the best things in life you can help but sit and wonder (as we do). but i think about your situation- how you feel betrayed by her… and how i feel betrayed by R… but the thing is i didnt do one thing to betray him and he knows that… in otherwords i didnt do anything at the end that was crazy… i didnt contact his wife… he was the last to email and i didnt write back… etc.. it just makes me wonder where i fall in his thoughts… if he still doesnt regret it like he says- or if he has been tongue lashed enough by his wife that he now hates me just because thats the in thing to do in his house. from my understanding of his previous affairs his wife just almost kept living like it didnt happen- she rarely gave him a hard time… i wonder if that is still true. i often think about his last email to me… how he was so casual and, in retrospect, almost had the window cracked still by the things he said…
as for the facebook picture- i have no clue why she put him in it- for as long as ive known she was on facebook… which has been almost 3 or so years now… he has not once been in a picture. it killed me for various reasons- but the most being it was the first sight of him ive had since october… after my panic wore off i looked at the picture again and find it even more odd now… its not a nice picture at a fun place or on vacation or something… its definitely in their house… and on top of it i noticed that she is sitting leaning in to the picture, with him squatted down next to her- and i have come to the conclusion that their son must have taken the picture… R and his wife arent even touching in it… perhaps im reading too much into it but now im telling myself that life is as it was for him… based around his son… with little connection between them other than that… it still bugs me that the picture was posted so i reminded myself of the good things in my life and changed my picture to my new house with a sold sign
.
June 21, 2009 at 2:49 am
TVexploring for the answer to something that has been killed and is quite dead, in fact, adultery or not, it sounds dead, but not in you, it beats, fast and hard…?
On a serious note, does she crawl under your skin and make you hate her but long for her at the same moment to be in her? That’s what I heard, pardon my hearing, I don’t wear a bluetooth ear piece to enhance my hearing or anything. All ears for words of remorse not said. That will never be said, because you don’t have any, and that’s just the way it is. Nothing, no matter how evil she could do something will change a pattern, a receptor in your brain to rewire the situation. A procedure in Santa Monica does take place, but the hippocampus and re-snapping of synapses I’ll leave out of it, however it’s only around $20k, if your up to it. That’s my solution. Call me cold, the fluid sure is that they inject one with into their vein flowing like a Wisconsin winter frozen day up to the brain to re-connect what has connected.
Anyway, just wanted to say I’m sorry for you, I really am. The remorse isn’t going to come, and neither is the ‘what ifs’ going to stop.
I’m in my 20’s so take anything I say for what it’s worth, in my late 20’s, oh my god!!!!!!! —-for what that may give me points towards, but hey, if you have a shopping addiction, your in for a few hours and a dent in the bank account. That’s my other solution.
Or get even. Make her want you. The other one. But that’s childish.
I’m writing on Las Vegas Escorts/hookers, check it out. Feed for the brain.
Sincerely,
Mea Nada Madison
June 21, 2009 at 3:37 am
TVexplorer sorry for the typos-”Nothing, no matter how evil of something she could do will change the pattern, a receptor in your brain to try rewire the situation, and forget, never the less, feel remorse.
Chaz, I disagree, I don’t think it’s about someone hear feeling guilt, I think it’s missing the illusion that she was to him. That’s my thoughts.
MisFistris, Congrats on moving on, I think the Bottomline is what is needed to be known here. How did you put the for sale sign up, and move on?
That’s why I say re-wire the brain. Call me a kiddo with sexual problems of my own, though I’m great, something is wrong. Libido has been disconnected from all the name calling and slander after my affair. But who knows if the devil knocks.
June 22, 2009 at 10:58 am
While this post doesn’t work for me as any fathomable measure of “right” or “wrong,” I’m okay with that because I don’t think you ever intended it to be read as such. Though it deals with the great taboo — infidelity — it does so from in a way that modern, detached stories of alienation and inward reflection often do: without judgment.
So, that being said, as a piece of impromptu (or perhaps well-planned) creative blogging, it’s well written and I loved the ending.
I’ll stay tuned for more, I hope you check out some of my work too:
http://justsuppositions.wordpress.com
Regards,
James Gapinski
June 22, 2009 at 11:07 pm
James, thanks for the comment. Creative, I am. But I strike out in the “right” or “wrong” department every time. When it comes to infidelity, there is no right. Not if we’re truly honest with ourselves. But that doesn’t stop the mind or heart from putting up a good fight. I amaze even myself sometimes with my insane rants. I look forward to reading your blog!
June 22, 2009 at 11:10 pm
nadamadison, is the procedure you described anything like a lobotomy? If so, I’d pay any amount of money for one. Zzzzzt…all better now! I look forward to your article on hookers and escorts.
June 22, 2009 at 11:17 pm
MM, everything you described resonates with me. I’m sure the Facebook pic of the “happy couple” was the last thing you wanted to see. I don’t have those worries with my ex. She has removed all pictures of herself from the internet (except for ultra-private accounts). Oh well. I’m so glad you have your new house to focus on. Soon, you’ll have a new man to add to it I’m sure!
June 24, 2009 at 6:31 am
I’m coming from the perspective of someone involved in an affair. Society tells us affairs are always wrong. My manstress has his reasons for remaining married and they make a lot of sense. Having a discreet affair provides us both with the love and companionship we crave. Are we wrong? Should I feel guilty and remorseful? Time will tell, I suppose.
June 24, 2009 at 6:35 am
I also wanted to say, that you’re a fanfuckingtastic writer. That post was really well-done.
June 25, 2009 at 12:25 am
Moody-
Im just curious… What are your reasons manstress has for remaining married? Also, deep down do you want him to leave his wife at all? I still, to this day, am unsure if I ever wanted R to leave his wife… I think on the surface I did… but I often think that if I truly did want him to leave I would have gotten out of the affair much earlier because he wasnt leaving… and bought a new house… but dont worry, “if i ever leave my wife, itd be for you”… sometimes, now, thinking about some of the lines he fed me makes my stomach flip.
June 29, 2009 at 4:26 am
Misfit,
I don’t want manstress to leave is wife. The issues are complicated (aren’t they always). I have no desire to cause anybody else to suffer so that I can be with him. I’m just happy that we found each other and can offer each other love, comfort and of course there’s the sex…