I recently “deactivated” my Facebook account. Call me a bore, but I got tired of responding to endless “friend requests” and “cause invitations.” I also grew tired of people I barely know adding their two cents every time I’d update my “status.” (Like I care what they think about the fact that I’m “sucking down a caramel macchiato from Starbucks.”) It got to the point where I was ready to empty a clip into the next person who “picdoodled” one of my photos. And those lists…those goddamned lists! “25 things that are none-of-your-fucking-business.”
Note to friends: Facebook is for tards. People with limited thinking ability. Or as I like to call them, card-carrying members of the lowest common denominator of web users.
That’s harsh, I know. But think about this: When’s the last time you’ve seen anything on Facebook that was remotely creative or inspiring? Are you ever truly impressed by someone’s “bling” collection, or their prowess in the virtual world of “YoVille”? When you see that a friend has just become a “fan” of Anthony Bourdain, do you assume they must be a writer at heart? Don’t. People on Facebook are not ‘checking in’ while taking a break from their novel-writing. They’re there to see what others are doing. To observe lives more interesting than theirs. And when they find such a life, they add their two-cents with such deep, prophetic comments as, “That’s so true!” or “LOL!” Facebook turns your brain to mush. No…critical…thought…required.
For the record, I am not criticizing something I don’t understand. I was social networking before social networking for people above the age of 14 was cool. Back in the day, I had a MySpace page with hundreds of “friends,” some of whom I actually knew. At least with MySpace, you could customize your own layout, and choose a song to fit your mood. But even then, I noticed a lack of soul among users, including me. All that work I had put into my page, and the most anyone could say is, “You rock!” or “Have a great summer!” (Accompanied by the obligatory lolcats photo.)
Is it any wonder there are now websites to help people limit their time on Facebook? And is anyone surprised that millions of blogs haven’t been updated in months because their owners are puffing the glass pipe of Facebook? I stumbled onto a blog post from a young housewife in Alaska who apologizes for dropping off the face of the earth. It seems she’s been spending all her time on Facebook. I’m not picking on her. I’m just making a point.
Put down the pipe, people! Challenge yourself! Open a blank Word document and jot down some words. Do you see what’s happening? If you arrange the words in a certain order, you’ve got a sentence…then a paragraph! You’re writing! You’re actually writing, you copycat Anthony Bourdain you! Penguin Publishers has your ticket! You’re on your way to fame and fortune! Bet you’d also make a real fine blogger. People across the world may be interested in what you have to say. But beware, those blank writing-fields don’t fill up on their own. You’ve got to think of something.
Can you? Tard?
22 Comments
July 17, 2009 at 4:02 am
so true, TV! although im not going to deactivate my account… i dont ever do those little invite things or update my status, though. i use it a lot to check in on old high school and college friends. and ill admit something- i once noticed how much R’s wife posted comments, etc. during the day and i wondered what the hell she was completing at work if she was facebooking all day. then again, i was the “tard” that was checking out her on goings. although ive scaled back pretty good on that, though. i have to ask you… if you could still see your ex’s facebook page would you have been as quick to “deactivate?”
July 17, 2009 at 5:15 am
Whoa! I must’ve been in a dark frame of mind when I wrote that post this morning. Come to think of it, I was. I don’t really feel that negatively about Facebook. You know me, I like to add a little drama to what I write. (Scary that I’m a reporter, huh?) Looking back on what I wrote, I’m thinking everyone with a Facebook page pretty much thinks I’m a dick by now. I was in a fired up mood when I wrote that, fo sho!
For me, Facebook became too much work, mostly because of who I am. At first, I only accepted people who were truly my “friends.” People I knew. But you know how Facebook is. Soon, a friend of one of your friends wants to be your friend too, and your friend list begins to grow exponentially. That was especially true in my case. Everyone wants to be friends with the TV guy. And then once you let them in, they want to constantly leave comments for the TV guy. And direct emails. And invitations for events they want you to cover as a reporter. It got to the point where everytime I logged on, there were 15-million comments and emails waiting for me. And if someone could see that I was on, they’d IM me. Shit! But being a public figure, I don’t want to piss anyone off. So for me, it was just easier to disappear. Remember, in the world of Facebook, “deactivating” your account is not the same as deleting it. It just makes it “inactive” and temporarily invisible. No one gets a notification that you’ve left the community. No one knows you are gone until they start looking for you and can’t find you. To reactivate my account, all I have to do is log on, and poof! I’m there again with all my same friends. But for the reasons I’ve mentioned, that’s not going to happen for a looooong time!
Would I have been as quick to deactivate if I could see my ex’s page? Perhaps not. But I’ve seen her page, and quite honestly there isn’t much to see. Just the usual Facebook blah-blah-blah. And pictures that don’t even look like her. She has gained at least 30 pounds. I’m not even kidding about that. But whatever. She can have her private Facebook account. I have more important things to do, like live my own life. Plus, I’m sure her husband insisted on full privacy settings as a condition of her having a Facebook page. I don’t blame him. I’d have done the same.
Besides, who says I don’t have another Facebook page? One that’s known only to a small circle of friends? I am, after all, a guy who likes to “stay connected.” Without the hassles of all those comments.
July 17, 2009 at 3:16 pm
i dont think you were a dick for writing that post. it definitely had some major truths to it. not that im as much of a public figure as you… but i do know what you mean with extra friend requests. im sure all those emails are totally annoying. being a teacher i have to be super tight on my security settings.
you make a pretty interesting point about facebook and the “deactivate” function. its like an addiction you will never totally shake… one press of a button and you are back on it.
enjoy your weekend! i got the key to my house last night so im super excited… im doing an early occupancy considering how effed up my paperwork is!
July 18, 2009 at 7:14 am
This is an interesting point. It made me think about what the hell I was doing on Facebook and what did I get out of it. I will say that most of the time, I am looking at what my “friends” are writing and usually commenting to myself that they are fucking losers. But am I not a fucking loser, too? Do I get a dose of superiority when I see that some douchebag chick from highschool is giving me a blow-by-blow on her retarded day with her boring family? I have a family and I can hardly muster up half a shit about little league, grocery shopping, etc. I see that your whole fb scene is much different from mine. You are clearly living a more exciting life than I. Think about how much you hate all the insipid shit you read on fb and then multiply that by 100. If you are me- a forty-something woman with a husband and a kid with a small business- everyone in town knows me and it seems like they’re all on fb and wanting to tell me every fucking detail of their exixtences. I don’t give a rat’s ass. Yet, I go on to see what type of stupidity they are posting. You are absolutely right. This is my first time blogging and it feels a whole lot better than writing on fb. I think I like it. You and I do have something else in common. I also went on fb to try and find info on the woman with whom my husband had an affair and am pissed off that I can’t see her page anymore. I spend way too much time trying to find other people she may be connected to and seeing if I can somehow see what she is like, what she says, how much of a moron she is or if she may actually be better than I imagine her. hmmm…
July 18, 2009 at 7:29 am
Oh, by the way-
In my neck of the woods, tards is pronounced Taahds. Although I know that this term is politically incorrect, it cracks me up every time. It has the fairly unique quality of absolute description for those of us who are familiar with it. Love it. Now for the guilty confession. I have a neice who is profoundly disabled and have had guilt for even thinking of using this word. After discussing this with my brother, the father of this beautiful niece of mine, I was relieved to hear that he also still finds this word hilarious and sometimes perfect. AS he explained, “When you call someone a taahd, it goes without saying that he or she is not actually retarded. That’s the whole point, they are fully capable of acting the way they should but are acting like morons instead. Only a real asshole would call a retarded person a taahd. What the fuck- that’s brutal.” Since then, I still feel a pang of guilt when I use it, but am no longer worried about slipping in front of him or any of my family. He has sanctioned it for me. Great gift.
July 18, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Robin, welcome to my pathetic blog! I’m glad you’re here, but hate that you’re here under the circumstances you’ve described. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about extramarital affairs, it’s that they leave a pile of bodies in their wake, no matter how the offending spouse may try to justify it. Please know this about me: I am well aware of the damage I’ve caused to my wife and children. It’s taken me a while to understand how deep the damage goes, but I do get it. My days of living in la-la land are over.
So I gotta know, how long did your husband’s affair last? And would you categorize his affair as “emotional” or “sexual”? I trust you know the difference between the two. Both involve sex, but emotional affairs run deeper and are more difficult to end. Also, I applaud you for “hanging in there” with your husband and not immediately kicking him to the curb. I know you must feel he is a lying sack of shit who can never be trusted again, but that is not necessarily the case. Not if he’s like me. As crazy as this sounds, I never stopped loving my wife during my affair. She was always the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with. It’s just that I grew comfortable with having someone else. Each woman met a certain need, and I liked having both. Now that my affair is over, I am SO happy I am with my wife…my true soul mate.
That said, I understand why you went searching for your husband’s “other woman” on Facebook. I know exactly why you did it. My wife launched a full-scale investigation into my ex. Hell, she even called her and numerous phone conversations with both her and her husband. (Imagine how I felt when this was happening.) Other than wanting to find out who did what, my wife wanted to know ‘who is this woman who so captivated her husband’? Was she young? Beautiful? Smart? Engaging? Or was she a moron who served as a fuck-toy for hubby? I’m not sure what answers my wife came up with. But I know she concluded that OW at least tried to do the right thing by ending our affair and ceasing all communication with me. So my ex-lover got a medal for honesty, while I was labeled a lying mo-fo who has no regard for anyone but himself. Maybe she’s right. Who knows?
The reason I went searching for my ex on Facebook was to see if I could gauge how she’s doing after our affair. As pathetic as it sounds, I wanted to find out if her life had progressed as though nothing had happened. As though I had never happened. Sure enough, when a coworker showed me her FB page, my ex was yammering on about stupid, trivial shit. There were also well-placed comments here and there about how much she loves her husband. My thought, of course, was ‘where was your love for husband’ when you were making it clear that I was special? It occurred to me that this is what my ex has always done. When she needs you, she needs you. When she doesn’t, well, fuck you. Thank God I didn’t trade my wife for her!
July 18, 2009 at 7:43 pm
when she needs you, she needs you. when she doesnt, well, fuck you. WELL SAID! manipulation and carelessness at its finest.
July 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm
A bit about my situation-
Hope this doesn’t bore you, I’ve thought about all of it so much and obsessed over the details for so long that it seems exhausting to me.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together almost 20. Last year, he seemed very distant and rarely had much to do with me, although he remained a dedicated father to our 12-year-old daughter. I had started a second company and was out of town for 3 days a week for about 8 months. When my out of town committments were through, I confronted my husband and asked him to please let me know what was going on. I didn’t know what the problem was. In the back of my mind, an affair did come up, but I was also worried about him- maybe he was drinking out of control, maybe he had started using drugs- maybe he was depressed. I was prepared to help him with whatever it was. He admitted to me that day(October 2008) that he was in a funk, that he felt like he was living on the edge of a razor and was slipping. I said ok, let’s get you some help. You need to see a counselor, get some help, maybe meds. A couple of weeks went by and nothing changed. His behavior was the same. One night, I just came out with “Are you having an affair?” He was lying in bead and his legs were shaking. He told me that he was having what sounded like mostly an emotional affair with a woman he worked with. As soon as he said this, I knew who it was. A year prior, he told me he was going to her apartment to help her put together an entertainment center. She is a single mother with a teenage daughter. How ironic, as that is what I will be if I decide to move on. Her name had come up once in a while. I had met her a few times.
I asked if they had kissed and he said yes, but they had not had sex . I went absolutely mental. I told him that he was a piece of shit, that he and his whore could have a happy life together and for him to get his shit together and get the fuck out. I then went for a ride, went to my brother’s house, let off some steam. I went home and told him that he could stay, I would decide what I would do, but I didn’t want our daughter to know and he had to 1. quit his job 2.never speak to her again 3.stop drinking to excess
He agreed to these terms. He quit his job ( a part-time evening job, he still had his day job), said he wasn’t in contact with her and briefly cut down on the drinking. A few weeks later, after more interrogation by me, I learned that they were , in fact, fucking- surprise, surprise! I threw another nutty, attempted to strangle him and started looking through the cell phone records. It showed me 8 months of non-stop calls and texting. I fucking hate texting, it seemed so fucking immature. I also noted that he had been in touch with her the whole time that he said he was not. This was the point that I wished he was dead. There is alot more- the details I have extracted over the last months are enough to make me want to puke. More later if you like.
I was completely obsessed with the other woman. I found out where she lived, what car she drove and basically stalked her for a few months. I wanted to know as much as I could about her. I was crushed. My heart was broken. I felt like a tossed away rag. I went into a paralyzing depression that I am still battling. My whole life centered around my husband’s betrayal. I am feeling very crazy right now writing this. The details of what went on nearly tore me apart. They did. But I had to know. I still want to confront her, but have spent all this time weighing the pros and cons. She lives in the same city as we do and I am concerned that any instigation may lead to my daughter finding out. Funny, but I don’t want my daughter to know what a sack of shit her father was. She has no idea. We do not discuss any of this when she is in the house. That charade has also been very taxing.
That’s the short version.
July 23, 2009 at 2:20 am
Robin, you’re not boring me at all. If anything, everything you’ve written has a strong feeling of familiarity. It’s funny, three years ago (before my affair), I would have had no idea what you are talking about. Now, I know exactly what you mean. I don’t just know it, I’ve lived it, but from the other side.
First, kudos to you for shielding your child from all this. You at least had the common sense to know that affairs strip away their security and innocence. I’m sure there’ve been times when you’ve been tempted to tell her, just so she’ll know what a jerk her dad has been. But you took the high road, unlike my wife. My two teen daughters know EVERY detail of what I did, thanks to my wife’s shortsightedness and vindictiveness. While my affair was my fault, I will always blame her for her “crimes against children” by telling them everything. That’s one of the issues I’m dealing with now in counseling.
Look, again, speaking from the “other side,” I know you’ve been hurt. I’ve heard the same things you’ve described from my own wife, and I’ve heard them a THOUSAND times. Your husband’s lies, phone calls, text messages, etc. don’t surprise me one bit, because I did the exact same thing. I know why he did it, why he kept doing it, and why he seemingly risked everything dear to him for some skank. Been there. Done that. Regret that.
Here it is: Because your husband was involved in a quote-unquote “emotional” affair, he was addicted to the way a drug addict is addicted, and he was hooked long before even he realized it. I’m not making excuses for his actions, and I’m certainly not trying to justify infidelity. But your man was on “drugs.” Ultra-powerful drugs being pumped to his brain straight from the heart. But the affair likely had less to do with her than it had to do with him. (This is what I’ve told my wife a million times.) She made him feel special, like he was the only one. She made him feel alive, and he didn’t want that feeling to end.
Life, as you know, becomes dull. Dull, dull, dull. At a certain age, we feel like walking corpses. And then one day, through inappropriate circumstances, our senses are awakened, and it feels so good! It feels good because we are human. THAT’S what your husband was hooked on, not her. If you can learn to see that, you can learn to forgive. It’s likely he never stopped loving you. He loved “it.” It, being that powerful elixir that makes our heart start beating again. It wasn’t your fault. Ultimately, it’s not anyone’s fault. We all begin to suck as spouses after many years of marriage.
My advice is to stop giving her power, and stop dwelling on your husband’s affair. Sure, you have every right to be pissed. Everything you held dear has been shattered. (And I’m sure your ego hurts too.) But that innocence-shit that married couples fondly look back on is overrated. Your marriage can be better than it ever was! You will forever be equals in all things. The silly roles you once played in your former lives are gone. It’s do-over time. Whatever was lacking before can be re-tooled. Tailored to perfection. But you MUST give your man a break. He is not damaged goods. His character is not flawed. He is the same man you married, but a man who –like millions of other people– made a horrible mistake. And the biggest reason to forgive your husband is this: The anger you feel will eat away at you like cancer, until there’s nothing left of your former self. Two years after my affair was exposed, my wife still can’t let go of the past. As a result, she’s becoming bitter. Her trademark smile is all but gone. I fear she will carry this anger to her grave. And if it doesn’t stop at some point, I will leave her. I don’t want to leave her. I want to love her. But the woman in my house is not the person I married. Question: When do affairs stop being the man’s fault? Answer: When the aftermath of the affair becomes worse and lasts longer than the affair itself.
Sorry if I sound preachy. I know you’re in pain. But an affair is NOT the end of the world. If only I could convince my wife of this.
July 23, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Everything you have said, my husband has said. If two years go by and I am still angry, I will shoot myself. I do not intend to destroy my life with anger. I made the choice to stay together with my husband for a number of reasons. I agree that he is a basically good person that made a big fucking mistake. There are still all of the good qualities that I loved when I married him. You are right that there is opportunity for a do-over. I have only now started to tell him the way I really feel about the shit that drives me insane. I have also asked him to give me a few things to work on that drive him insane. I appreciate this chance to improve things. That is the up-side. The fact that my husband spent all of his energy on another woman for close to a year does burn my ass. Also, it is hard to get the images of him fucking another woman (12 years younger than I) out of my head. I have gone on a few sites that people go on to bitch endlessly. I was thrown off Surviving Infidelity for telling a cheating husband to shut the fuck up. It’s like watching a train wreck over and over. I got nothing out of reading about betrayed wives ragging for years. If this is going to be my life, what’s the point. Bottom line- I have a flawed husband, never thought he was perfect. I just need to see if I can move on. Forward progress is all I’m looking for. I hope your wife can get off the torture train, for both your sakes. Don’t quite get why she felt like she had to involve the kids. Yeah, when my daughter complained that I hadn’t really done much for my husband for Father’s Day, I really wanted to say, “Well, honey, if he hadn’t fucked a broad and risked losing his family, maybe I would have put more effort into it.” But I didn’t. No need to tear her world apart. She is content, she has her mom and dad and that’s what makes her happy. I’m sure your wife regrets that piece of it.
July 23, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Robin, there is no denying the hurt that comes from all this. I think the worst think anyone could do is try to bury their feelings and ‘fuhgetaboutit.’ But we all know that sooner or later this stuff will eat us up. We have to let go eventually. There is no other answer. My other woman was 11 years younger than me, and believe me, that drives my wife up the wall. Will I lie to you and say the age-difference wasn’t a turn-on for me? No. It was, but not necessarily in the way that wives think. It wasn’t a porn-type thing, or about a firmer, younger body. If most older men are honest, it was the power they felt with a younger lover. Not power in the sense of controlling that person, but the power to dazzle them with their superior sexual skills. And that feeling of power isn’t limited to sex. The older lover feels wiser and highly-respected. It’s a win-win situation for a guy in his 40s who thought the heart in his chest had stopped beating. It’s oh-so fucking addictive. And destructive.
No man who’s worth his weight ever truly feels good about the affair. Deep down inside, he knows he is violating a deep trust. He is tossing aside everything he holds dear. But affairs, like any relationship, become complicated. You know you should end the affair, but you don’t want to hurt the person you’ve come to care for. And every time you do attempt to pull away, you find yourself missing that person. Or your spouse does something that reminds you of why you cheated in the first place, and back you go. It’s a vicious cycle. One that’s hard to escape. Affairs become a psychological crutch. And that crutch is as addictive as crack cocaine. Your whole existence becomes entwined in it. (Hence, the thousands of phone calls and text messages.)
Does the cheating husband love the other woman? Yes, he does. He is (or was) madly in love. That’s what you and every other ‘injured’ wife knows. Ultimately, it’s why you’re so pissed off. You talk about the sex. You reference the other woman’s age. But the real betrayal is that your husband fell in love with another woman. But I beg you to consider this: The love he felt wasn’t real. It was an illusion. The result of a chemical cocktail stirring in his brain. It’s not the true love he has for you. The love that only forms after years of companionship. In some ways, your husband was a ‘victim,’ even if he did make the decision to cheat. He was snared by a trap that hooks millions of people, and has since the beginning of mankind. (Check out Misfit Mistress’s History of Affairs.) It’s our basic need to feel special and wanted. Unfortunately, lovers other than our spouse are easy vehicles for that.
July 24, 2009 at 7:38 pm
TV,
Shit, an honest man. Well, honest with me right now. I really would like to be angry and outraged that you suggest that the real reason I am pissed is that my husband fell in love with another woman. But you are exactly correct. The sex is bad enough, but the fact that there was another woman out there that decided she wanted my husband and he fell for it- well that really burns my ass. ( Not that he didn’t have free will) This point, that he went for it, makes the fear and anxiety pop up. He did it once, why would he not do it again? I think that there is a certain kind of person that would not be able to keep it in his or her pants. You are right to point out that every marriage gets dusty, but I had many reasons to want to find someone else. My husband was not the best partner for me. Not emotionally involved, not present, and he drank way too much. Somehow, he was able to be Super-Cock, Mr. Fabulous for this chick.I also think that he was being a real pussy. He wanted to get out of his horrible marriage but didn’t have the balls or the skills to even address any of his concerns. You are honest and correct to say that these men who cheat ARE in love with their other women. At the beginning, when my husband was hatching his plan to leave our daughter and me, he told me that he loved this woman. I listened to him for a week, living in our house, tell me how he felt he had met the right person for him. I spent that week trying to point out the holes in his plan. Did he really think things would be the same when he moved into her shithole apartment? Did he really think it would be OK with her that all his money would be going to pay for his wife and daughter’s bills? Did he really think that I would allow him to set up house with her and send our daughter over there any time he wanted? Was he ready to go through a divorce? Was she really the kind of woman that he wanted around his daughter? Was he OK with telling his little girl exactly why he was leaving our house to move in with another woman and HER daughter? I told him he would need to see a children’s therapist and figure out how best to explain this to our daughter. After thinking all these things over, he decided that it wasn’t worth it. I am left with trying to figure out if he decided to stay with me because he didn’t have the balls to tell his daughter what he did. In the end, he thought it would be easier to stay at home. I think alot of his decisions are ones that are made for him. He lets other people dictate his actions. This is a flaw that I must accept if I want to have a life with him. At some level I have known this all along, but I still love him. The safe feelings that I had with him are gone. A whole shitstorm of things I never wanted to deal with.
July 26, 2009 at 12:26 am
Robin, before I forget, do you have your own blog? I keep forgetting to ask. If you do have one, of course, I’d like to read it.
Thanks for calling me an honest man. As you might imagine, my wife begs to differ. Honesty is not a term she uses to describe me, thanks to the hundreds of millions of lies I told. The truth is (and I’m guessing this may be the case with your husband and most cheating men), I never expected to tell so many lies. But one lie leads to another, and another. Before you know it, you’ve lost track of all the lies. And why did I lie? (This is what I’ve tried to explain to my wife, but it never sounds good.) I lied to minimize the damage. To save my own ass. I didn’t lie because I was pathological, or because I had lost my sense of decency. But ‘injured’ wives keep pushing and pushing. They want to know every detail and, quite frankly, it’s hard to look your wife in the eye and provide it. In retrospect, I wish I had come clean, because now, instead of just dealing with the affair, I’m having to deal with the hurt caused by my lies. While all this may sound very childish, at the time, I thought it was easier to lie (or withhold information, which is the same as a lie) than deal with my wife’s venomous anger.
The bottom line to this point is this: It’s taken me a very long time to be honest, and not just honest with my wife. In the weeks and months following my affair, I was incapable of being honest with myself. That’s the key. When my brain was still gushing those “affair chemicals,” I believed I was a Casanova who was held in high regard by my ex-lover. I believed I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her, and the greatest lover she would ever have in her lifetime. In other words, I was fuuuuuucked up! It’s embarrassing to think about now, but it’s how I was. Once the love cocktail in my brain subsided, I was able to be honest with myself and those around me.
Your analysis of your husband is interesting. Surely he’s not as weak of a person as you’ve described. Since my affair, I’ve been called every name in the book by my wife. Every fiber of my being has been placed under a microscope and examined. You’d think I was a serial killer or a devil worshiper by the things my wife has said about me. I understand she’s angry, that all ‘injured’ wives are angry, but I had an affair with a married woman. I didn’t molest a child or try to assassinate the president. It also sounds like you threatened to destroy your husband if he left you for that other woman. That, too, sounds familiar. If I had attempted to leave my wife, she planned to call my employer and tell them what their ‘model employee’ had been doing at work. (Mine was a workplace affair.) I was scared of my wife. She literally frightened me. And she frightened the hell out of my ex-lover right after the affair was exposed. But I will say this, even though I understand why she reacted so negatively (and dangerously), I will always wonder if I stayed because I loved her or if I was afraid of what she would do if I left. Food for thought.
July 29, 2009 at 8:02 pm
TV,
I do not have a blog. Interacting on your blog is about all I can handle, time-wise. Ah- I think my husband may actually be as weak a man as I described him. I have always defended and admired his great qualities, but these bad ones are for real. None of us is perfect, and I am sure most people possess at least a few big foibles.
To your point about being a devil-worshipper or a mass murderer- either of those would have been easier for me to handle in my case. A mass-murderer would be in jail for life. I would not question myself or blame myself or feel like shit if he were a socoipath. That would be his thing. It would suck, but would be in the same category as dying in a car crash for me. I could easily just write him off and be done with it. (Would be tough for my daughter, though). As far as devil-worshipping goes- who gives a shit. Just another fucked-up religion. Priests in my church are molesting boys- is there anything more evil than that. I could send him to be de-programmed and be done with it.
This thing- this affair- not so easy. It tears my heart out, makes me feel like a fucking idiot, makes me want to kill someone, makes me wonder how I became the woman who would stay married in this situation.
I don’t really understand why your wife would want to destroy your livliehood. Counter-productive, no? She is a bit more vindictive than I, but I can see where it comes from.
July 29, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Robin, believe me, I understand the time commitment of having and maintaining a blog. I used to post two or three times a week, but now I’m lucky if I post once every two weeks. Plus, I don’t have the desire to write about my affair that way I used to. I suppose that’s a good thing. It means I’ve come a long way.
I understand the points you made in your last comment very well: “Makes me feel like a fucking idiot, makes me want to kill someone, makes me wonder how I became the woman who would stay married in this situation.” These make total sense, even from where I sit, which is on the wrong side of any affair-argument. I’ll admit, I haven’t thought about the last item in your statement. Being the woman who stays married in this situation. That’s powerful. It gives me more compassion and understanding for my wife. I hope in the long-run she doesn’t feel she “settled for less” with me. I fear that she will. How could anyone not?
July 31, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Wondering how I became the woman who would stay in this situation speaks more to the fact that I broke a rule that I made for myself than to the feeling of having “settled”. We all have our deal-breakers. Fucking around was about the only one I had as far as my marriage went. I always considered myself a strong, independent woman. Staying in this marriage makes me think otherwise. All of the affair psycho-babble says that staying does not mean you’re weak, you’re strong for working on your marriage, etc. Not sure if I’m buyin’ it. Am I stronger? How so? I swore to myself and anyone who asked that I would never tolerate cheating. My husband knew it was a deal-breaker and he went ahead and did it anyway. I can’t help wondering if he was trying to get out and this was the only way he could manage it. I have talked to him about this and he says that he didn’t intentionally do it for this reason but admits that he’s not sure why the hell he did it at all. He has never wavered from his committment to work things out (since pulling his head out of his ass last November). Still, I don’t love having to back pedal on my only no-no for marriage. We all have to adapt to things, I guess. I hope I can work this out with myself.
July 31, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Teev…. I really gotta get caught up on your posts… I would have loved to jump in on this one when it was fresh.
A few Chaz-esque reflections….
1. Newsflash Hommes…. FB is all about the dumb little comments on one anothers status etc! Now why Cousin Fred in Witchita would would want to share that he is wiping his ass at that particular moment is beyond me but hey…. this is what it is all about so you kinda set yourself up for failure don’t ya think?
2. One thing I like about FB is the people you ignore! I even get my ex popping up as a friend suggestion and get this…. The Other Man (aka ‘Ugly’) even pops up in that little box. Ignore, ignore, ignore….. I love it.
3. I find it a good way to stay as distantly connected to people who I would not otherwise have opportunity to stay conected to…. including by virtue of my limited interest in them. It provides me with a convenient way to be shallow.
Ciao.
Chaz
August 1, 2009 at 10:01 am
Hi TV
Catching up on your posts…and getting a lot out of your converstation with Robin. I’ve been reading, and nodding my head in agreement with both of your points. Good to read you again!
August 1, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Great to hear from you, Terri! I knew you were still out there somewhere. When I didn’t see you update your blog for a long time, I figured you and your hubby were doing well, and you were ‘moving on’ as they say. Believe me, sometimes I think just having this blog keeps me from moving on the way I should. I’ve actually thought about deleting this sucker. I’m reaching the point where there’s nothing more to say about my affair.
It’s funny, but I thought about you during my conversations with Robin. I knew what she was saying would resonate with you and a lot of other women who are going through this. The bottom line, as you have figured out, is that there is no good explanation for what some husbands do. We make mistakes, then beg for forgiveness. The way I see it is this: The man who commits adultery then begs for a second chance must truly be in love with his wife. Otherwise, why would they endure the hell that follows? They do it because they love their spouse and don’t want to lose them. That’s a gross oversimplification of the facts, but I think it’s accurate enough. Trust me, if I didn’t love my wife, I wouldn’t have toughed it out. Simple as that. I think the same is true with her.
Great hearin’ from ya!
August 1, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Chaz, great follow-up on the Facebook-thing. I wouldn’t expect anything less coming from you! You know me, the crap I write is to be taken with a grain of salt sometimes. I get on certain kicks, and this was one of them. Who knows? Tomorrow I may rant about instant coffee or people with uni-brows. There’s no telling!
August 5, 2009 at 12:08 pm
On the “avoid people you dont care for who you see on facebook thing” … something frighteningly strange happened recently.
Now keep in mind that I live in a city of about 2 million people and I have less than 150 facebook friends on my list.
Who should appear as a friend of a facebook friend of mine…. my ex-wife’s lawyer! Yes, the big-ass cow who tried to muddy my name in court but ended up instead having a judge throw out her case and order her client to pay a large part of my legal bill!
And I then went on to file a complaint about her with her professional association and was successful in having the swamp sow reprimanded!
So what are the chances of her appearing on a friends list and then seeing her ugly mug on a few replies to fb posts he makes? The chances are pretty low! I would say mathematically well below 0.5% especially since she practices and hour from where I live in the burbs and we have no grounds for common affiliation…. or so it seemed.
She is such a shitty lawyer that my ex fired the bitch after she lost and then refused to pay her bill for shere incompetence!
Other ignorant fat swamp sows won’t even hang around with her claiming that “she gives ignorant fat swamp sows a bad name”.
But she’s the friend of an FB friend of mine! Go freakin figure!
What is God trying to tell me?
Ciao. Chaz
August 5, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Oh my God, that’s a great story. Leave it Facebook to offer up the ex’s ex lawyer as a potential “friend.” Maybe the website will keep shopping her around until it finds some takers. As far as what’s God trying to tell you? I dunno. I guess, be good and try not to go to hell when you die, because if you do, you may share a cell with the fat swamp sow!
Gotta love Facebook.