I’ve been careful on this blog not to write too much about what I do for a living. Sure, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. I’ve even mentioned it a time or two in previous posts. But I work with people who regularly scour the web to locate information for stories. Reporters are smart. We are also nosy. God forbid one of my co-workers stumble onto this blog and connect it to me.
Oh, what an effing train-wreck that would be!
It’s not that my bosses would be overly-surprised that one of their employees “did the nasty” with a co-worker. TV people are an incorrigible bunch. The industry is rife with stories of reporters who got caught banging each other’s brains out. You just don’t want to be one of those stories. Not if you’re me, anyway.
Who am I? I’m the guy who, just two days ago, served up another ratings-victory on a silver platter. And I’m the guy who’ll do it again next week, and the week after that, and the following week. I’m what our morning anchorman jokingly refers to as “ratings gold.” I do television stories that hit nerves. My viewership knows it, and my bosses love it.
I’d hate to shatter their illusion of me.
You see, here’s the difference between you and I. (Not that we’re really any different.) If you get pulled over for drinking and driving, your name will appear in the police blotter section of your local newspaper…in the tiniest of print. But if I get popped for DUI, that, my friends, is front-page material. For added measure, I’m sure the bastard print reporters would include a Nick Nolte-style booking photo of me.
I’m not saying a workplace affair is “reportable” information, not unless a person is charged. But in my business, public image is everything. One stupid PR move and you’re screwed.
It’s possible even a guy like me could have survived a workplace affair if it had happened under normal circumstances. But mine wasn’t normal. She wasn’t normal. Not to them. Not to the bosses who sign our paychecks. They fired her, but instead of leaving quietly, she went out kicking and screaming. She hired a lawyer. Threw scare-tactics their way. I would have been guilty by mere association. It’s why I laid low. Didn’t stand up for her. Didn’t explain to them that she had a medical problem, and deserved another chance. As angry as I’ve been with her these last two years (and for good reason), it’s the one thing I regret not doing.
She was excellent on the air. A natural talent. But a sheep among hungry wolves. She couldn’t keep up the front of competence. The bullshit act that reporters put on. She was too honest. Too sincere for all that. And it’s why I fell so hard for her. But toward the end, when she needed my “vote,” I stayed the hell away. Far away. For that, I will always be sorry.
But enough about that. What’s done is done. I’m still here, and I’m still having to act. Keep a straight face. Look important. And keep my eyes the hell off our morning anchorwoman’s perfect ass. I fooled them the first time. Only a fool tries for seconds.
35 Comments
November 6, 2009 at 11:17 pm
TV – Your blog and it’s honesty, as well as your willingness to be introspective has helped my recovery more than anything else…but indulge me this, because I’m really confused about something:
Let me get this straight – This ’sweet’ young thing is trying to survive in the Lion’s Den. She’s naïve, ultimately she stumbles and the lions move in. During this process her self-esteem is shaken, and YOU – who she trusted – retreat. Alone, overwhelmed, and fighting for her sense of self she turns to the only thing that has remained stable in her fast changing life – her husband. Meanwhile your ’sweet’ wife verbally lays into her – the kid totally collapses and a previously undiagnosed (probably because her entire life has never unwound before) illness is pronounced.
And now?…you refer to her as ‘needy’, ‘one-dimensional’, and disposable…she can ‘eat shit and die’ for all you care.
And Your Wife?..the one with the wicked tongue and vengeful spirit…she’s the ‘beautiful’, ’sweet’, ‘keeper’ that you are trying so hard to impress.
Is anyone else confused?
The only thing clear to me is the ‘keeper’ reigns supreme.
November 7, 2009 at 12:36 am
Michelle, your description of things is correct. I never said I was a saint. Yes, I have operated on total selfishness. And yes, this blog has been all about me.
However, a couple of clarifications: First, my ex-lover never really turned to me in her “hour of need” at me. I don’t think she expected me to risk my neck for her when she was having a bipolar meltdown. At that time, no one –not even her– knew the cause of her meltdown. (She had not yet been diagnosed.) It was a freaky thing that stunned us all. When I say I wish I would have spoken up for her, I say this at a time when I have all the information. But back then, her meltdown was perceived as weakness. Let me state for the record, while people in my business aren’t deliberately predatory, we tend to be assholes at the core. Cover murder after murder, shooting after shooting, and see what it does to your soul. Only the tough survive.
As far as my “sweet” wife, she’s sweet only when she’s sweet. The rest of the time, she is a total bitch. But I’m sure Robin and hundreds of other betrayed spouses would say my wife had every right to “lay into her.” OW had just spent three months fucking and sucking her husband. Yes, my wife had a right to lash out. That, and the fact that OW brought it on herself by blabbing the affair to her husband. Common sense: Want to avoid retribution from an angry spouse? Keep thy fucking mouth shut.
Is my ex-OW needy? Yes, she needs a mate who asks next of nothing of her because he expects nothing. Is she one-dimensional? That’s my take, because never –not once– has she expressed her feelings about me since the affair. Only one-dimensional people are able to do that, in my opinion. Disposable? Nah, she disposed of me. “Eat shit and die”? I was pissed when I wrote that. The time-line of this blog must always be taken into consideration. What I wrote several months ago doesn’t necessarily apply today.
Michelle, here’s the bottom line. I, like everyone else who’s been caught up in an affair, wound up hurt. I cared more for her than I ever thought I would. Her silence afterward damn near killed me. It made me say a lot of nasty things.
November 7, 2009 at 1:27 am
TV,
Again with the honesty. You’re right, I would allow that your wife was within her rights to lay into your girlfriend. We all want that- those of us whose husbands have fucked around. It is for the exact reason that you state- the other woman has spent a period of time fucking and sucking our husbands. Just writing that makes me want to seek out the ow and pull her fucking hair out. Ironically, I hate the married other women less than the single ones. The ow, in my case, was a single woman. I feel that she could just have easily grabbed herself a single man. Are they all gone or something? She is only in her early thirties. Can’t she find a nice divorced guy? The married other women are a different animal. At least with them, you would expect more secrecy- they don’t want to get found out even more that the single chicks. They have alot more on the line. I do think that there is a time for lashing out at the other woman- right after discovery. After that- c’mon- forget it. What’s the point? Finding out if your husband is telling the truth? She’s a liar already- she’s been having an affair with your husband for chrissakes. From your perspective, TV, you feel badly that she just abandoned you when she was supposed to love you. I guess this is how the ow feels in my case. After a lot of lying and bullshit, my husband finally made the call to her that it was over and never contacted her again. Now he says he can’t believe that he was ever involved with her. He threw her out like garbage. I’m surprised that she never showed up at my business or his work place ranting and raving. For someone who was planning a life with my husband, she went away pretty quietly. I have a hard time with this piece of it. My husband is not the hard-ball type (although turns out he is the hard dick type). I don’t quite believe that she just went away. I am not 100% convinced that the two of them have not been in touch over the last year. That would be the icing on the cake. Me, here, saying how sorry he is and him still hooking up with her. This is the reason I still think about confronting her- to ask her if she has spoken to or seen my husband at all in the last year. I wonder if she is still in live with my husband. Is she pissed that he dumped her? I can’t really put myself in her shoes because I am not single and I would like to think I would never have an affair- (not sure, my husband did and I would never have believed it before).
So, TV,
Do you think she still loves you and has just buried herself in her new “goodgirl-do-the-right-thing” world? Would you like to know if she would still like to fuck you- if you guys could get away with it? What feelings do you still have for her, deep down?
November 7, 2009 at 1:48 am
Robin, I’m not sure my OW ever “loved” me, at least, in the classic sense of the word. She told me once she could fall in love with me if the situation we different. We didn’t spend a great deal of time talking about such things. Both of us were up to no good, and such conversations seemed pointless.
Would I like to know if she would still like to fuck me? Strangely, that question has never been at the top of my list, because I know that she would, if the truth be told. I know that sounds boastful, but I don’t mean it in that way. What I know –and would stake my life on– is that she and I “clicked” in bed. It’s as though we were made for each other sexually. A perfect fit, and a perfect chemistry. Would either of us do it again if we could get away with it? No way in hell. I couldn’t do that to my wife again, nor could she (I suspect) betray her husband in that way.
What are my feelings toward her deep down inside? While I think about her less and less these days (it’s been two years), I will always believe we
arewere kindred spirits. We were alike in many ways. I once told my wife (stupidly) that “she was the female version of me.” (Add that to the list of things men should never say to their wives.) But oh well. It wasn’t meant to be, and those days are long past.Finally, as far as your lingering suspicions about your husband, from what I’ve learned from my own wife, this is natural. My wife, who is an amazing investigator, didn’t believe me either after one year, so she called my OW. Sure enough, the two of us were still in contact (only by phone and email), and my wife took further action. I’m not sure what she said to OW that day, but I never heard from her again. That sucked. I was pissed at my wife for a very long time because of it. But I understand why she did it. However, I doubt your husband is still seeing his ex-lover. Surely, you would know. Wouldn’t you?
November 7, 2009 at 1:51 am
Robin, sorry about calling you Michelle on that last reply. I have corrected it. I’m getting old. Forgive me my failing eyesight.
November 10, 2009 at 12:30 am
In defense of OWs everywhere, I just want to remind you that your husband took vows and promised to remain faithful to you. We, the OWs whom you want to condemn and berate, did not. Therefore, in my opinion, most of the blame from you should lay with him, not with the OW. I’m not saying all, but a good portion of OWs do not seek out married men and do not set out to be “homewreckers”. Robin – You had mentioned that you didn’t understand why she wouldn’t just grab a single guy and stay away from your hubby. Well, I’m in my mid-twenties and guess what, the pickings can be extremely slim. In all honesty, I will never have another affair, but I just had to stick up for OWs for a moment! As much as you may want to believe it, we aren’t all evil seductresses.
November 10, 2009 at 12:32 am
TV – The above was directed at Michelle & Robin, obviously. I know you haven’t been posting as much on this blog lately, but I just want to say that love when you do! It’s always thought-provoking. Plus, you’ve got a great writing style. Sometimes, I even enjoy the half naked women.
November 10, 2009 at 12:58 am
Ruby, I appreciate that. Whether or not I am thought-provoking remains to be seen, but I do have the pictures of half-naked women covered!
November 10, 2009 at 7:38 am
tv was your affair three months in duration?
or am i misunderstanding something in your post?
m.
November 10, 2009 at 7:53 am
tv another question:
you said your OW “never –not once– has she expressed her feelings about me since the affair” yet your wife caught you having phone and email cnotact one year after the affair and made it stop….
are u saying that in all the contact post the affiar she and you never mentioned the affair between you?
then why the contact? was it just business contact?
also when in the timeline did she tell her husband about the affiar? after it was long over or during or….?????
i am trying to get a complete sense of the situation here….and was the bipolar breakdown during the affair or well afterwards? m.
November 10, 2009 at 7:57 am
hey there tv-
i totally can relate to this… as a teacher my life is quite public… in fact, i chopped a bunch of hair off this past weekend and i felt like i had more questions about that today than about why some kids did poorly on their test from friday. keeping up an appearance is crucial… especially when affairs fall apart.
i dont blame you for not saying anything (again, im biased towards you though)… just like i dont blame myself for planting little seeds at my summer job about what a d-bag R is without truly saying why i believe that… i believe in karma… but i dont think that type of behavior will come back to bite either one of us… we both came to a realization that we had to protect our asses because when our affairs came crashing down, like most affairs do, we realized that our others had no intentions on protecting us… therefore, our recovery efforts we learn we should not protect them… despite the fact that we so often want to because we are like little sick puppies who still crave their attention from time to time.
as for ruby’s comment- i totally agree and have been saying this for a long time… most of us OW do not start out wanting to go after a married man… sometimes things just happen… although thats not justification. we all have our issues and sometimes those issues lead us to affairs. i also agree with ruby that it is not the OWs vow of commitment… and finally, just like ruby, i will never have another affair with a married man… i was burned big time and learned from it.
as for you, TV, do you think you are totally out of the woods now after 2 years? while R and i dont work in the same school district, i often feel like im not out of the wood just one year past… in fact, i dont feel like i will ever be totally out of the woods… i am moving forward… making a life of my own… but as i make new relationships or re-establish old ones (both friendly and intimate) i have to make the choice as to whether to let those people in on my affair… if i dont tell the person im with that i had an affair in my early 20s… i feel it could still bite me down the road if they find out when we are in our 40s with kids… anyway- that was my little rant.
as for the hot chicks… they are great… but i would have much preferred that “nick nolte” image of you that you mentioned in this blog… or at least your avatar image. lol. hope you are having a great week and are having fun at work and home!
November 10, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Melinda, sorry for the confusion about the duration of my affair. I haven’t made the time-line very clear. It was sexual for three months, but we were “involved” for more than a year. That includes a handful of months leading up to the sexual part, and a few months of contact (email, phone calls, etc.) after the affair was exposed to our spouses. Even though I was in a great deal of trouble at home, I continued to communicate with OW, mostly via email. What can I say? I was unable to let go of her. The “over” part hadn’t sunk in. But my wife finally nixed that!
What I meant when I said my ex has never expressed her feelings about me since the affair is that she hasn’t blogged about it, or used another means of communication to let me know I meant something. But that has changed since I wrote that. While I can’t go into details, she has let me know (not directly, but through a mutual friend) that I did mean something, and she doesn’t regret our affair. Isn’t that what all of us want in the end?
As far as the bipolar part of it, she told her husband about the affair when bipolar began to manifest itself. This revelation effectively ended the affair. Once spouses know, it’s hard to continue. Plus, the new bipolar also caused her to lose her job. As a result, she moved out of the apartment she had and moved back to the small town where she’s from…where she and her husband have a home. That ended our ability to ever see each other. It was several months later –long affair the affair had ended– that I read on her now-deleted blog she had been formally diagnosed with Bipolar 1. While it was sad to read, it answered a lot of questions. It explained some behaviors that I hadn’t understood earlier. It’s strange, but when you know someone has bipolar disorder, you’re able to understand the symptoms. But back then, I had no idea what bipolar was. Her odd behaviors were foreign to me.
I hear that she is doing well days. For that, I’m glad. Believe it or not, I harbor no ill will.
November 10, 2009 at 5:03 pm
MM, I’m not sure if any of us will ever truly be “out of the woods.” Put it this way, I’m doing better than I ever have….since the affair, of course. Each day is a little better than the last. After two years, have I been able to erase OW from my mind? Nope. Not at all. The difference is, I don’t think of her in the same way. Gone is the overwhelming anger (and desire) I had in the weeks and months after the break-up. These days, she’s more of a…how can I put this?…historical figure. Someone who changed the direction of my life. I’m just not sure where this new life will take me. I hope I’m not on the road to hell!
November 10, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Ruby -
thanks for the support. I’ve not gotten to the point where I want to defend myself…although I’m sure the stories of how and why I ended up with my exMM would probably startle his wife (that her perfect husband was/probably still is ‘looking’). As for the ‘pickings being slim’…ohmy, no they’re not. I’m a lot older than you and even now I’ve got several nice, attractive men trying to get me to be exclusive (but, of course, all I can think of is my way-long-ago at this point exMM – CHEMISTRY – never underestimate it). Anyway, just look around – it’s really raining men…I promise that.
MM -’we are like sick puppies who still crave their attention’. That’s a great analogy. I once told him I felt like a puppy who’d been left on the side of the road blinking into the dust as the car speeds away..
.
TV – your ex must have very recently conveyed this information. I wonder if that isn’t a lot of why you feel so great now – closure, and knowing you were loved allows you to move on. Yep, it’s what we all want.
November 12, 2009 at 10:29 am
TV
yes I agree with michelle that it seems like it must have been recently you got word from the ex OW about her feelings for you and it must be a great relief to you to know it meant something to her too! i am glad as yup we need to know this for closure
other wise we go on and on wondering “Did it mean something to the other person? Did he/she “love” me?….It’s pure torture especially since it is coupled with a forced ending often outside of our control to a situation that was going to end badly, one way or another
affairs are like the equivalent of “career suicides” only they are “love suicides” no? it seems to me that those of us caught up in them know it is going to end terribly, and hurt like hell when it ends, so instead of doing the smart thing and NOT getting involved in the first place, we DO get involved and then we have to go on pretending in our brains that it’s “worth it” cause all that bad stuff is not going to necessarily happen “today” to us…..right?
that’s why i call it a “love suicide”
TV you were involved a relatively short time yet it changed your life….i am still in complete denial over the impact a decade-long on again off again affiar had on my life……it is too scary for me to consider and plus i might then feel like “Aw hell” might as well give in to my urges and just go back to him!
but nope i continue to get farther and farther away from my my MM even though he works next door to my house on weekends….it is coming up on seven months now and new phases are happening…i really can’t believe it but he is NOT on my mind all weekend any more……that is a miracle! i can’t believe it myself….last week was our first full face to face with eye contact and still nothing changed for me…it is like he no longer has that special electricity or something…i felt nothing looking at him….i sort of half smiled then went on with my business…..i thought i would maybe be affected at a later time that day, but no…..nothing else happened
somehow my mind is accepting that what we had did not work for me at all and i am not going back for any more pain
as an aside i think he feels i am somehow involved with the man i am having help me fix my house….he has seen us together so many times including last weekend…for me the thought makes me happy…even though i might be wrong…because my ex MM always seems so unremorseful and so uncaring to me….i also hope his wife is giving him a very hard time because to me, he deserves that too!
so much for being “nice” i guess (or “mature” for that matter)
M.
November 12, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Melinda, I’ll bet this transfer of power feels good! You deserve it, especially after a decade of the shoe being on the other foot. Based on personal experience, I’m quite sure your MM’s wife is making his life a living hell. By the way, I enjoyed your “love suicide” analogy. It’s right on!
Yes, the new revelations about my former OW occurred fairly recently. The “message was sent,” as they say. I’d rather not specify how this message was delivered, but I can assure you there was no direct contact between me and her. I feel it’s important to point this out, because I don’t want anyone here to think I’m up to my old tricks and still deceiving my wife. I’m not. The communique from OW was a random thing. And yes, it felt good hearing it. However, I must point out that it didn’t mean as much as I thought it would, if it ever happened. In other words, so much time has passed, it seemed more like a “formality,” just one more step in the deconstruction of my affair. Time does that. It erodes those powerful feelings we used to think would destroy us. If anything, I’m happy to hear that OW is doing well in her life, as am I.
November 13, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Hey, Ruby.
I didn’t realize that I was putting more blame on the other woman than I was on my husband. I believe I have stated , on many occasions that my HUSBAND broke my heart, caused serious, maybe irreparable damage to our marriage and was at risk for failing at the cance I gave him to have me back. I would like to firmly state that I put 100% of the blame on my husband. My ramblings and questions about the other woman, and one of the key reasons I read this blog,are more about my wonder and curiosity about what she would say if I were to ask her the same questions. I can’t really roll with you on the “slim pickins” or “sometimes things just happen” arguments, however. This particular 32-year-old single woman had many interested suitors, dated single guys, etc before she decided to become exclusive with my husband. How many other women do you actually know to be able to speak for them. I think you should stick to speaking for yourself, maybe. I, for one, don’t know many “other women”. I have a good friend who was involved with a married man years ago when she was single and she takes quite a bit of blame for the failed marriage she helped produce. Yes, she was drawn to this man physically and emotionally, but readily admits that she made a choice to move on it. Slim Pickins? Yeah, maybe for a woman that prefers a married man and isn’t looking for a viable, committed relationship. Ruby, I’m sure if I knew you personally and you told me you were seeing a married man, and I had not experienced being the betrayed wife, I would be cool with what you are saying. Yes, the married cheater desrves all of the blame for choosing to pursue an affair. I don’t think any woman has the powers to put a whammy on a man and “make” him do anything. God knows, I haven’t been able to do that in all of my adult years. But, Ruby, don’t underestimate the seductress thing. I notice it, even here with women that post and TV. I think some of you may not even know you are doing it. I’m sure it is a learned way of operating. I think many women are in this category- some just don’t have the eggs to go through with it. I am not that. Maybe some ow are not that. I know that some are.
Ruby, you sound kinda bitchy toward me and I think you are trying to defend something that you did that you know was wrong. Very little sympathy from you toward the wife- sounds like you drank the entire glass of the “my marriage is hell for me- my wife is a bitch” kool-aid. Please correct me if I’m wrong. I could have you all wrong.
November 14, 2009 at 2:21 am
Robin – I am very sorry that you’ve had to endure the pain of your husband having an affair. I only read comments intermittently and am unfamiliar with the extent of your story. So i had no idea that you had said previously that you fully blame your husband for the affair. That was the main reason I choose to comment, because I thought you were really laying into the OW and not holding your husband fully responsible. I was not at all trying to be argumentative, just sticking up for OWs.
I fully concur that the slim pickings comment was not correct. I was having a “moment” that day when it came to men and relationships, and felt like the only “good” ones were either married or gay. I certainly know that is not the case, and I regret making that statement in my previous post. I agree that is certainly no excuse to seek out a married man, nor was I really using it as one. But I do have to stand by my statement of sometimes things just do happen. I’m not saying they aren’t wrong. And yes, we should have made an effort to stop the behavior once it started. I guess, in my case, I have strong feelings about this when it comes to blame or being accused of seeking out a MM, because he pursued me, not the other way around.
For the record, I was not operating under the whole “my marriage is hell and my wife is a bitch” just because he said so, but because I saw it to be true firsthand. Unlike some (or maybe most) OWs, I was friends with both my MM and his wife before my affair began. I saw with my own eyes the problems they were having, and the way that she treated him. He started talking to me about how she made him feel, and it all started from there. So I found it hard to sympathize with the wife when I saw how she treated him, and saw how miserable they made one another.
As for your statement that some women are seductresses without even knowing it, I’m not so sure I agree, but I find that to be an interesting concept to ponder. I would ask you to elaborate on what exactly you mean by it. What are TV and others that post here doing exactly that makes you think this?
Of course, in the end, none of this makes having an affair okay. I’m not saying that at all. But was just trying to give you a tiny bit of insight into the way things went for me as an OW. Which is most likely nothing like your story, as I ended my affair before his wife found out. My original point of posting, like I said, was just to be sure you placed blame where blame was squarely due, which was on your husband. And you make a valid point that I should speak for myself, not all OWs. Noted.
November 14, 2009 at 3:32 am
hi robin heres my two cents for what they are worth and i hope i do not offend you
as you are naturally worried in the post-affair time period about the OW and what went down with the OW, etc etc…….i will say this as someone who is very, VERY! familiar with alcohol and alcoholic behavior…..
as i remember you said alcohol was involved with ur husband and with his OW correct?
if yes, then one of your biggest “enemies” as a woman married to man who drinks, (to excess??), is in the bottle! never underestimate the fact the fact that alcohol is a mood altering drug and a drug that causes inhibitions (notoriously, sexual inhibitions) to melt away like “magic”!
forbidden sex and drinking can seem kind of like peanut butter and chocolate to an alcoholic
M.
November 14, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Thanks, Melinda. You are right. My husband id a drinker. I kinda think he is an alcoholic, although he is able to go long periods of time without drinking to excess, if needed. He usually drinks at home, is pretty secretive about it anad doesn’t believe he has a problem. I don’t drink at all. I never really cared about it and choose to not have to deal with the ridiculous headaches that even a drink or two cause for me. My husband’s other woman was also a very light drinker- maybe one or two at a party or holiday. We had that in common, among other things, according to him. My husband’s drinking plays a part in everything in his life. I am too familiar with the alcoholic model- my father was a huge alcoholic, although a mostly happy drunk. My husband is a very reserved man, quiet and non-confrontational. He did most of his drinking with me in the year he was involved with his chick. He managed to save most of that for me. He swears that the two of them never got buzzed together, she didn’t really like drinking. Ironic. Nice of him to follow the rules. His drinking would have eventually become a problem if he were to stay with her. Maybe he would have stopped if he was with her. Who knows. I doubt it. The bottle is an enemy I have had in my life from day one. I have my own little box of tricks to deal with it. I am aware of it and try my best to deal with it. It is one of the two big fuck-ups I hide from my daughter about her father, although she is very perceptive and must be aware of one or both on some level. Enabler? Yes. It is a learned behavior and I learned from the master, my mother.
While I understand all that goes into the bubbling pot of infidelity and fucked-up relationships, I still can’t believe how hard it is to live with the fact that my husband , who I loved despite all of his faults, stepped over this line. Deal-breakers do not seem to stop him. I don’t think he ever planned to have an affair. I don’t think he would do it again, but the loss of trust is a tough nut to crack. It may not be possible for my ego to heal. I have a hard time removing the images. I’m not sure he is clear about how brutal this is for me, even when I am very able to articulate it. I’m not a bitch or a screamer.I did throw every evil name in the book at him in the beginning, but that’s not my usual m.o. Yeah, there are lots of reasons that my husband had an affair, I just don’t think he can grasp what it would take for me to feel secure again. He’s not yet hit it outta the park. Still waiting.
November 14, 2009 at 11:31 pm
Ruby, I can understand your need to stick up for the ow’s. Nobody wants to see themselves in the light that I shine on my husband’s fuck buddy. I would defend myself in the same way you do if I were in your shoes. But I’m not. I am very aware that the other woman, in my husband’s case was one fucked-up girl. She was the survivor of an abusive marriage and raised her daughter alone. I get all that. My husband was ripe for the pickin’. I am aware of that. She was attracted to him- don’t blame her. He’s very attractive, hot body, sweet guy, quiet. He was everything her ex was not, on the surface. He is also a man who goes with the flow- I can see it happeneing, now that it has.
As far as my case goes, my husband and I did not have a terrible marriage, although he certainly painted this picture for her. She wanted to hear that story- made her feel like a savior instead of a home-wrecker. It would not have been very difficult for her to get to the truth. Everyone that knew my husband and me would have attested to our compatibility. We were an easy-going couple. No wars, no fights, no name-calling, good sex, etc. Yes, our marriage was suffering during the time they were together- hard for it not to when he was up all hours talking to her on the phone, barely speaking to me, drinking alot at home. I brought up the problems all the time, but he had already started planning his exit strategy with his new girl. See what I mean? I never knew about the affair, so I wasn’t able to even decide what to do about either getting my husband out of the fog, or smackin’ him silly. I was at a real disadvantage. You say that your mm was in a bad marriage. Did you ever think that if he had any balls, he would have divorced his wife before getting involved with someone else? That’s what a real man does, Ruby. Big hurtle for me is the cowardice and the ability to be lead down a path either by your own thoughts or those of someone else. Weakness like this is tough to deal with . Knocks him down a peg in my book.
As far as some women being seductresses, I do believe this to be true. I get a vibe from women in all aspects of life, even here in print. There is a sexy undertone, an availability, a suggestion. It’s very subtle and I will take some time in the future to get a better handle on it and give you some concrete examples. Ask any man to give a list of women they know casually, professionally, or socially and they will be able to tell you which ones would possibly entertain hooking up- single or married. It’s just a gift (or curse) some women have. Some men have it , too. But since many men think with their dicks, they respond to it. This is not a put down. My husband will argue ’til he’s blue in the face that he doesn’t think with his dick, but would walk out of any situation if he thought I would give him a blow job. He never considered himself the kind of guy that would be enticed, but he was. He had the power to say no, he didn’t. He considered himself not to be that guy, but was that guy. That’s part of my problem- how do you get back to being not that guy once you’ve stepped out. Also, what stops you next time. TV would argue, so would my husband, that after seeing what the wives went through, they would never want to do that again. I don’t buy that. I think it may be more like killing someone- once you do it , it gets a bit easier. In my husband’s case, his life didn’t change very much. He lives in his house with his wife and daughter, watches football, goes out with me once in a while, has dinner, goes to work, etc. He’s doin’ ok. Me, on the other hand? Not so much.
November 15, 2009 at 8:35 am
robin about the only thing you can really do if your husband is or might be an alcoholic is to try and get as informed as possible about alcoholism and addcitions in general
(try the Hazelton website) and consider joining a twelve step group for “family members”….addiction is very common in our society!
my own father and ex husband are alcoholics as are many others in my immediate family and i have surely been terribly affected
the biggest fear i had during my marriage was that my husband would f–k some woman on a drunk…i was terrified of this all the time
it’s a very very long story and, of course, it ended in divorce as you can see but i also want to say that i got very insane and very sick trying to raise small kids with a bipolar, AND alcoholic husband…..but look what happened afterwards:
alas it was ME who got involved with a married man to try to protect myself from the devastating loss of my ex husband
How ironic no? I thought he (my ex husband) was the “bad one” but then i f–ed up too….Life has a funny way of teaching us the hard lessons no? My MM never drank but now that we have split I see him with beer sometimes and he is a nicotine addict for sure
This is just my personal opinion but I feel cheating on one’s spouse often falls under “addictive behavior” and that many people like me and my ex MM who cheat are often driven by feelings similar to craving a drink or some sugar…we do it to cope with uncomfortable feelings we have inside and it might have very little to do with the other spouse in the marriage or what kind of partner that spouse is (I speak for myself here)
those of us with addictive tendencies act from a illness that lies within is, in my humble opinion, and this illness is completely illogical. But it is definitely NOT the fault of others even tho we may claim the opposite!
I hope this helps you a bit, Robin. M.
November 16, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Melinda,
Yes, I am also very familiar with alcoholism, as I explained in my response. Gotta say, though, I don’t buy into the “everything is an addiction” theory. A nicotine addict that has a beer is not the Big Bad Wolf. I’m sorry about your ex-husband drinking problem, but sometimes that is it. He was an alcoholic. That doesn’t mean that everyone is or that there is nobody on the face of the earth that can have a drink or smoke a joint recreationally. We all come up with our ways of dealing with or living with an addict.I have heard this “affairs are like an addiction” theory, also. Not buying it. Also not buying the new “sex addict” bullshit being thrown around alot on various sites about affairs. There is something to be said for the control. I am not saying for one minute that some people aren’t alcoholics or drug addicts. I CAN say that they are not all the same and that anything you do that is wrong or excessive or of questionable scruples falls into the addict category. When my own father got sober when I was in high school, he went to AA, got treatment and never drank again. He acknowledged his problem, asked forgiveness and spent the rest of his life sober and living the way he always should have. Great guy- bad drinking problem. I asked him ,after he got sober ,why he hadn’t done it sooner. He said that he just never tried. He was honest about it.
My husband didn’t “fuck someone on a drunk”. He developed a relationship, over time with a woman at work.
I, too, have alot of “uncomfortable feelings inside”. I would love to be able to have a few drinks and leave it all behind. Maybe I would get a rush from having an affair. Who knows? Thing is, this is not the way I choose to manage my life. I feel that I have a bigger responsibility to my family than to do that. I am not saying that you are wrong, but I am saying that there are thoses of us out there that are able to stay on the right path. Am I perfect? No way. I just don’t blame everything on my life with alcoholics. I agree that it has informed who I am in a big way. Why the hell else would I have ended up with an alcoholic after what I lived through with my father? I also believe in free will and the option to make the right choice. We all have that. Otherwise, why would some people get sober?
November 17, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Robin-
“Did you ever think that if he had any balls, he would have divorced his wife before getting involved with someone else? That’s what a real man does, Ruby.”
Absolutely. This is the reason why I ended the affair with him. He turned out to be both a liar and a coward. And I finally woke up and realized that I deserved so much better.
As for the idea that some people just give off that “up for anything” vibe, I’m still not completely sold, but I suppose you may be right in a small way. Some women seem like they would automatically be more open to start an affair than others, and I get that. But to label that as being a seductress may go one step too far, in my opinoin.
Anyway, you sound like you are struggling a lot, and perhaps should seek out some outside help, in the form of a trusted friend or therapist. Your posts seem to contain a lot of anger and bitterness, and I’m not at all saying that it is unwarranted. Again, I don’t know how recently you found out about your husband’s affair or any specifics, but it sounds like you could use some help with dealing and coping.
November 17, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Hey, Ruby,
Thanks for the advice. I have outside help and many trusted friends to talk to. I thought the point of the discussions here was that we could all say anything about our secrets. The things that I discuss here are for this site only. That’s the reason TV’s commentary interests me. Maybe lately there has not been as much fromTV (good for him that he needs it less), so I am getting into an area that doesn’t seem to help me or you. It’s hard to understand my point of view if you’re not in it. I have researched every avenue available to me to try and heal from this mess. Trust me, Ruby, I wouldn’t wish this pile of shit on my worst enemy, but it is the hand I was dealt. You may not have read some of the stuff I have posted here. I am all over the map. If I didn’t love my husband and was looking for a way out of this marriage, this would have been the perfect exit strategy for me. I wonder which part of my anger and bitterness is unwarranted? You are the one with the balls- you left your om when you discovered he was a liar and a coward. I did not. I did not because I want to believe that this was a one time thing. I also have big concerns for my daughter. She is 13, adores her father and is already in a tough, emotional stage of her life, tween. I think it is easier, in the end, to leave a man with whom you are having an affair, than to leave a man with whom you have a family and 20 years of history. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I want to stay- but as you can see, I’m not sure I will be able to live with certain pieces of what I have discovered about my husband. It takes a long time to get over it. It has been 11 months for me since my husband decided to finally end his year-long affair and attempt to re-commit to me. In that time, I have gone through a range of feelings and emotions. This time last year, right before the holidays, my husband had decided to leave me for his other woman. He was still in the fog. I spent almost a month with him, lving together in our house, after finding out that he was having an affair. During this month he lied to me about being in contact with her, then went back and forth with me and what he had decided to do. I got the “I love you but am not in love with you ” speech. He told me that he was in love with her. He told me that they had unprotected sex. He told me that they had discussed a life together and were even open to children together. We have 1 child. I am in my late 40’s. The other woman was only 32 and had child-bearing years left. Then, after much logic from me and a real desire to not destroy my family, he finally called it off with her. This is the shit I went through. This is only a piece of it. Don’t forget the drinking. So, Ruby, these things take time. Please don’t take things personally when I bring up a point. This is a sounding board. It’s OK to fuck up here. I don’t judge what you did, but I do get a bad feeling when listening to people’s stories about their affairs. But that is also oone of the reasons I am here. To hear it from the other side and try to get something out of that. I know that TV did not set this blog up without wanting to hear from all sides. You are all helpful, in some ways. Even in anger and defense, I can understand alot of what you’re saying. After all, I could have had an affair and been on your side of the fence. There are many similarities between us. Try to walk in my shoes and understand why it takes so long to be well again. Hope we can continue this back and forth, I really appreciate it from all of you.
November 17, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Robin and Ruby, I will add my two-cents to this discussion. As much as I’ve blamed my former OW for being a “seductress” (or whatever I’ve called her), the truth is, it wasn’t her fault at all. Not one bit. I knew exactly what I was doing, and what I hoped would happen. In fact, when I started hoping things would happen, I made them happen, through my words and actions. Once I decided to go down that road, there was no standing between me and Pussyville. That’s the gosh-darned truth.
And Robin, you’re right when you talk about men not having the balls to leave their wives for the other woman. I was ball-less in this area. Leaving was NEVER my plan. My plan was to have my cake and eat it too. I’m not proud of this fact, but again, it’s the truth. (Holy crap, I feel another blog-post coming!)
November 18, 2009 at 11:46 pm
The truth will set you free, TV. I appreciate your honesty. It always helps.
November 19, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Hey Robin, I said that your anger and bitterness was *not* unwarranted. You have every right to feel just the way that you do.
You’re correct in saying that it’s more difficult to leave once you’re married and have children with them. I absolutely agree. You built a life together. However, I would have a very hard time trying to stay and make it work if I were you. Your story sounds particularly brutal. I know that once I figured out that my MM was a pathological liar and a coward, my decision was almost easy. Your choices moving forward are not so clear cut. But to be completely honest, if I were in your shoes, I don’t think I could ever get over the things he did and said. Perhaps you are stronger than I am in that regard.
I really do wish you the best of luck. In the end, we all deserve to be treated well and find peace and contentedness.
November 19, 2009 at 8:26 pm
TV – Thanks for interjecting your two cents! I feel that my MM was very much like you in that way. He knew that he wanted to start an affair with me. And he deliberately broke down my walls and exploited my vulnerabilities. He was a manipulative liar, but with a bunch of charm and charisma that allowed him to get away with it. (You may have not been so devious in your intentions with your OW.) I’m not at all saying I am completely innocent in the matter, far from it! But he holds a great deal of responsibility in the fact that we crossed that line in the first place.
November 19, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Ruby and Robin – it seems I have such a different situation…maybe it’s more like TVs. My exOM AND his wife are now happier than clams. It’s like the whole thing rejuvinated their marriage…at least that’s how it looks. Now they travel together, hike, bike,walk,have a webpage together, work together…none of that before. I guess I’m glad for them (why not be?) – except that they are BOTH so determined to expunge me from the face of the earth (I’ve mentioned it before – left out of community emails,messages for me NOT to show up at various events, etc). It’s the TWO of them against me…
And they’re both just so happy while I’m still dealing with it…
Robin and TV, I so appreciate your comments. I’m trying to understand and move on but THEY seem to be everywhere I turn.
November 20, 2009 at 1:19 am
Michelle, That sounds very tough. I feel for you! I continue to be amazed by how many similarities I have with OW, as well as differences! I can’t believe they have discluded you from community emails and have even requested you to not show up at some events! That is unacceptable, and there would be no way I would agree to that kind of ridiculousness. Why should you be discluded rather than the two of them? Yes, the affair is over, and they are “happy as clams”, but you still exist! No matter how much they want that fact to change, it won’t. In the meantime, find hobbies, friends, anything to shift your focus from them to yourself! Keep your chin up, lady.
November 21, 2009 at 1:59 am
Michelle-
Tell them to shove it.
November 21, 2009 at 2:38 am
Robin,
You’re so cute, you make me laugh. Great idea, but realistically I don’t need a big scene in the middle of town – two against one. I don’t have a chance.
Unfortunately, Ruby was on the right track – I don’t exist. Or shouldn’t. Did you ever notice that in primitive societies it was (and still is in some places) the woman who was put to death. Not the guy. We’ve come a long way but not when it comes to this subject.
I maintain that ’stoning’ was an act of mercy.
Anyway, thanks Robin. You’re pretty cool.
November 24, 2009 at 12:49 am
Michelle,
You are a human being. You made a big mistake. End of story. It is not up to anyone to decide a “punishment” for you or anyone else. If you had a spouse with whom you were trying to reconcile, then HE could decide for himself if he wanted to put the work in or not. Otherwise, it is nobody’s business what you do with your life. You are not invisible. I also think 2 against 1 is not that tall an order. Your choice, but you can take it on if you like. Any chance you could move? I know it’s a tall order, but is it remotely possible? Sounds like you need a re-do, sista. Yes, I am a betrayed wife, but that doesn’t mean I can judge anyone but my own shit. Chin up, girl. Knock off this femme fatale bullshit. Do it!!
November 30, 2009 at 2:45 am
still enjoy reading your blog, TV. Your honesty is unnerving at times, but also so helpful.
Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving.