A friend of mine (who has left comments here before) sent me a link to a blog post that I believe is required reading. Required for anyone who’s had an affair, and asks, “When the hell will I get over this?” I’ll provide the link to the blog post in a moment, but please, allow me to interject my own thoughts.
First, the article –as you will read– starts off with slight apology from the author. It’s clear he has written plenty on the subject of affairs before, and doesn’t want people to think he “can’t let it go.” I know how he feels. It’s the main reason I’ve stopped writing on my blog. Affair blogs have a time-limit, and I’m waaaaay past mine. Plus, writing about it no longer helps me. It takes me back to the place I’m trying to forget.
Next, I believe that the writer succeeds in capturing how we broken-hearts feel in the aftermath of an affair. My old blog-friend Nituru, who doesn’t blog (at least publicly) about his ex-lover’s affair anymore, once wrote a post about the difficulty of conveying the “sheer complexities” of this subject in words. I soon learned that Nituru was right. No matter how prolific a writer one may be, words just don’t do it justice. However, this guy, the blogger whose link I’ll provide, has succeeded where everyone else –including me– has failed.
Finally, I hope he’s wrong. God, I hope he’s wrong about how long these feelings continue. While I’m doing much better these days (it’ll be three years in October), I’m also aware that my life has been permanently impacted by my affair. My pain has subsided, but that “nagging” feeling is still there. Short of having a lobotomy, I don’t see myself ever forgetting this.
So I ask myself, how long does it take to get over an affair?
“How long?” It took me about three years to get over losing my marriage to infidelity. Like you, I wrote about it until it just wasn’t necessary for me to do any longer. I’m slowly posting my story, hoping that it might help others facing similar situations. I hope you check it out. http://www.ChiPsyGuy.wordpress.com
ChiPsyGuy, thanks for the comment. I will definitely read your blog!
Very well said indeed. Difficult to read because it is applicable and appropriate. Thanks.
Hi TV! Welcome back to ‘hell’ as you have called it. It is nice to see you post!
I never tire of your story and that “still thinking about it mode” as I am right there with you. I think in fact the thing that has kept me sane all these months is knowing I am not alone in being unable to simply get “past” this. And in my case we did not even get caught so the fall out for me has been something like this: Why with all that I know about where my affair and most affairs are eventually heading, do I still cling to the notion that one day he will be back for me? (After he finally decides to leave the marriage he was so unhappy in, ahem) Why do I still feel jipped (ripped-off) abandoned, cheated and dumped? (After all, it’s me who did the leaving but then again he never followed.)
Why didn’t he follow? blah blah blah My self esteem has been hard to recover (the little I had left I mean). And my confidence in being a “good” person is missing as I see I was willing to “take what did not belong to me” for a very long time. Plus, what is going on in his head and in his life? Does he mourn me being gone from his life? Or is he just releived he was never caught so he let me go?
Why didnt he call me just once to see how I was doing?
SO many questions even tho I am coming up on a year of zero contact whatsoever after a LONG affair.
I am proud of my year but feel crappy still. Why? I knew what the situation was didn’t I? How long will this take to get over completely? Hell, if I know!
Another killer is this: Why was I so willing to waste so much of my precious time on a married person? (I am single) Didn’t I understand the “attached” part? sigh Is he going thru this hell too or does he feel just great? sigh…. too many questions…..
I want to thank you for bringing some great insight to my blog, and for linking my article into your recent post on affairs. It’s going on 2.5 years for me, so I think you’re a little farther along than I, however it’s less so about the time frame and more so about what you do with the time, i.e., healing, et al. That’s exactly what my blog has done for me, but I saw early on that it was starting to consume me so I stepped back for a moment, and allowed myself time to regain clarity.
That’s another thing affairs do; they strip you of perfectly good brain power or decision making skills. You’ve been doing something that goes against everything you know to be right for so long, you lose clarity and sight of what’s good for you and that can eventually be detrimental in other aspects of your life. When I began writing, not only did I gain a lot of what I’d lost, and thought I had while still carrying on, I realized just how fucked up my thought processes were. I was able to criticize and critique myself more than anyone else, more than I ever had before. It’s tough to take a mental picture of ourselves after tossing our rose colored glasses in the garbage. Despite all that, writing has been the single best release I have utilized while reinventing almost everything about myself.
We are a few of the lucky ones. We still have our primary relationships and we have worked hard to build them back up, because we know there is something special about that woman we initially stepped out on. That’s why we held on when the “shit hit the fan” so to speak, and they must have felt the same about us, which is why they didn’t let go so easy. It’s certainly not black and white; the gray area is immense.
When it all comes down, the aftermath of an affair is hard pressed to ever be completely forgotten. Instead, we learn to live with the consequences of our actions and try like hell to find a way to forgive ourselves someday.
TV-
Thanks for the reference. He’s good with words, as are you. I do miss reading your writing.
I’m grateful to know that I’m not alone. I haven’t gotten over it and it’s been a year now. I’ve been concerned there might be something wrong with my healing process. You’re right the pain subsides, life goes on. But there’s this ‘hole’, a sense of emptiness. I’ve tried to fill it. I don’t want him back (am I being honest? I think so…). But I want to fill the emptiness I know I’ll never consider another affair, but I understand why people keep having affairs…
Thanks again TV.
Michelle,
Great to hear from you. Glad to know you’re doing well, all things considered. I, too, am hanging in there. As you can see, I don’t blog much anymore. There’s nothing left to say. What’s done is done. But I know what you mean about the nagging emptiness you feel. I feel it too, and I wish like hell I didn’t. Like you, I don’t understand why people keep having affairs. They just don’t know what they’re in for. Not yet.
Knowledge,
I appreciate this comment. I, too, am at the 2.5 years mark. I know what you mean about blogs starting to consume a person. Every time I log onto this blog, that old, sick feeling starts to come back. I also agree that affairs rob us of brain power and good decision-making skills. I can hardly believe I used to be “that guy.” Not saying I’m all better now, but I’ve come a long way. Thanks again for your post!
tvexplorer
Melinda,
I hear what you’re saying. Everything you wrote rings true. But I promise, in time, you’ll stop asking yourself these questions. You’ll stop asking when you realize there are no good answers. Congratulations on your full year of no contact. May year number two be a lot easier!
Where I live they have local ghost walk tours… they arent creepy-halloween, but historical and kind of cool. The guy who runs them said ghosts usually inhabit their dwelling for approximately 200 years. Which, last time I checked, is well past the average human lifespan. Looks like our ghosts are stuck in their dwellings!
Good question, I have no idea. I’m going to check out the blog- we’re 2.5 yrs out and doing pretty well. But we had weekly counseling for about 9 months right after.
I’m looking forward to going through your blog more
I stopped checking in after your January post, but for some reason was drawn to check in tonight. It has been a year now since we started going to therapy and we seem to be on a new upswing in our lives. I am starting to accept the realities of what has occurred. The truth of the matter is that before and during the affair my husband was an asshole. He treated me very badly and I was just too caught up in all the have to do’s that I didn’t have the presence of mind to leave. The affair changed us both. I have to admit that it has changed me for the worse, but I’m giving it time. It has, however, made my husband an amazing man. He actually does the laundry now, without bitching. I never asked him to do it before, nor cared if he did. But he was really good at throwing a fit if it wasn’t done, no matter how busy I was. He is sweet and kind and his tantrums have nearly disappeared. He is, once again, the man that I married.
I have learned to appreciate the time that we have spent together. I couldn’t separate his affair from our relationship. I kept wondering if moments I spent in his arms were invaded by thoughts and fantasies of her. I have learned that men are strange that way. They can actually do the out of sight, out of mind thing. It sucks that I was forgettable, can’t serenade him with Natalie Cole anymore.
I have learned that it is not possible to love two people at once. The link you posted aludes to the fact that the alternate relationship was never really love. I’ve also come to the conclusion that even though he may not have stopped loving me permanently when he was with the other women, he had to at least suspend it. So our love story has lots of little holes in it. At least the part that I experienced was true and that was what was bothering me the most.
I still think I will always wonder about what he won’t talk about, but I don’t perseverate on it any more.
Almost a year later, he seems to be over his affair, even though it lasted over 3 years, but like you and your wife, I’m sure he’s not totally honest with me. He likes to completely forget he ever did anything stupid.
We’ve started doing things that are fun together, starting to live again- together.
This will always be a roller coaster ride, but the loops seem to be getting smaller and the drops a little less steep.
Cecilia,
It sounds like you and your husband are well on the road to recovery. Congratulations! Affairs, as we both know, are complicated matters. There are so many points of view, and regrets from all sides. You mentioned that your husband is probably not being completely honest with you. I would say this is correct, based on my own experience. But it’s not that he’s withholding crucial information. Rather, he’s “editing” the flow of information in an effort to control damage. This is what I do. I learned early on that there is some information my wife can’t handle. So why bring it up? Only a glutton for punishment would do that. The important thing to remember is, you still have your husband, and you wouldn’t still be with him if you didn’t love him. And I’m sure he loves you. Remember, people don’t cheat because they hate their spouses. Often, affairs have nothing to do with the betrayed spouse. Affairs cast a light on the cheater’s personal weaknesses. Emotional voids that weren’t being filled. So it wasn’t about you, Cecilia. It never was. It was about your husband’s need to feel special…and validated. I, too, would like my wife to “forget the whole thing” and pretend I never made this mistake. But I don’t think it’s possible. I don’t think she’s capable. Women always feel they’re letting their husbands off too easy if they go along with that.
Good luck to the both of you!
I have been reading all these posts for the last few days, and decided to blog (for the first time ever)). I too have been in an affiar or I wouldnot be readimg this. My affiar began in 1998, I was married (I realize now not happily, cause as they say, happy people don’t have affairs) but had been married for 13 years. And I find myself attracted to this man that was the coach of my daughters seim team/ I found out later he had a history, he had broke up the marriage of another swimmer’s parents but they ahd since married and had a child of their own. This child was the same age as my child on this swim team, he kept flirting and eventually the affiar began. It went on for six months my husband found out. He forgave me and I tried to make it work, two years later I enede p in an affair with the same man. (yeah stupid) it went on two years my husband found out again and once again we tried to make it work for the kids. Five years later I go to a swim meet and yes he was there and it started again!!!!! This time I left my husband cause I could not put him through it again. MY MM man was everything to me, yes I fantasized of him leaving his wife for me, she had found out about us the 2nd time, my husband told her about us, but MM convinced her it was a lie. I end up divorcing my husband, which prob was not a bad thing cause we were not happy, he has since remarried and is. Me ane MM affair number three lasted seven years, so I have been involved with this man for ten out of the last 15 years. If anybody is reading this please listen to me, don’t do it!!!!! I was willing to wait till his own child graduated and then he still could not leave etc etc etc, I loved him more than I can ever even put into words, and he said he loved me to but I doubt it!!! As the years went by I finally did not even think abouthim leaving, I accepted being 2nd best, I went back to college and became a CPA, but he was my life. He split up my family he split up the family of his first wife. He made six kids not grow up with their father’s between me and the first wife. We would break up cause of his guild t but I would beg and he would come back… this went on for years!!!!! I eventually had no life except waiting for him. It is an awful way to live! The always wishy washy I love you, I love her yada yada. It will kill you inside, don’t do it…. after all these years I finally decided I couldnot take it anymore, and I did kinda what tv explorer would hate I called his wife while he was out of town at a convention and all I said was you need to talk to your husband. She called him and got his ass home from that convention, I get an email from him saying I had destroyed his life, I never told her anything about us, I was desperate to find finally end it once and for all. He says she knows it was me, but she had notheard anything about me in 12 years. Anyway, the cycle had to be broken, one person cannot hurt a person forever. It was either do something or just quit enjoying any life. I love him and I always will but if anyone is reading this please don’t lose all these years. I am going to have to learn to live again… Learn to like myself again…
An affair is not worth what it does to anyone … and they HURT, and they always hurt, their is no happy ending to them. If you have just ended one, don’t go back again… run as far away as you can, pick u the pieces of your life and begin to live again… it aint easy, I’m going to have to learn how… but after reading these blogs I realize it is possible, and tv please dont hate me… ok
I have been reading this blog for a few days, I have never wrote one before, but maybe I can help someone. I washappily married 15 years ago(well not happily married or I wouldn’t be writng this) Was a stay at home Mom with three kids, I took the three kids to sporting events, and found myself attracted to the swim coach. He had a son the same age as my oldest and a step son 8 years older. (if only I had listened to the gossip around the pool I would have known what was going to happen)
this coach stqrted spending alot of time talking to me, and the chemistry grew, we found ourselves alone one night and we kissed ((BIG MISTAKE) dont think you can just kiss and turn back!!!!!
The kiss turned into phone calls and more kisses, during all this I found out he had split up the marriage of his step osn and current wifes pareants and had married her (she was 12 years older than him) by then I was in to deep.
We finally had sex and it was wonderful!!! this affair #1 lasted six months, my husband found out and that ended it, I tried to forget my swim coach . Two years later he calls and we eventually start affair #2 (yes I am an idiot)) affair #2 last 2 1/2 years(yes there is another one I am a big idiot)I loved him, and I thought he would love me enough to leave his wife and we would have the happy ever after… well my husband found out again this time he told the other wife she did ot believe him. Husband and I went to counciling (we have three kids) but by then I was so out of love I just went thru the motions of being married. I did go back to school and became a CPA trying to forget my coach the MM. Five years later I go to a swim meet and the coach i sthere and one look between us and I was miserable, the phone rings two months later and we start talking and emailing, I decide to leave my husband cause he is a good man and I wouldnot put him through this again. I get my ownhome and yes it starts for a THIRD time ( i am the biggest idiot inthe world)this time it gets really deep and my MM decides if we can just wait for a year till his son graduates he will leave and we will be together , that lasts a month and we are back seeing
each other, the son graduates and he does not leave… I realize then he never will, but I love him so much I continue to see him, this went on for SEVEN yes count them seven years so all in all he and I have seen each other for 10 out of fiveteen years… I finally couldnot take it anymore.. he has hurt me so many times and we got back together I realized I had to do something drastic (yes tv explorer will hate me) he went off to a convention (I think he had been seeing somebody at these conventions) I called his wife and al I said was I think you need to talk to yourhusband, never told her about us,couuld have spilled the beans, but I just had to find a way out… do I regret it… I dunno, he says I had no right to callher and I decided to end it before he ever got a chance to think it through lol… 15 years is long enough… I just know I have to somehow to learn how to live my life again… lifeis to short to play 2nd. I wll love this man till the day I die, but if I didnt make the break I was gonna never really live again!!!! As it is I am going to have to learn how to live a normal life. This affiar has robbed me of years andyears, it has robbed my kids of alot, was it worth it… no… do i regret it a partof me does, but a big part of me realizes it is a part of me that I cant forget, and he prob cant either. Is he hurting missing me, I don’t know will never know, but saving myself became more important… so if anyone reading this can save themselves of 15 years… run if you still have the strength, and i f you don’t have the strength.. know you are not alone, there are alot of us that understand… well this is the end of the first blog ifit sounds stupid im sorry (im an numbers not a word person LOL)
Lasha, thanks for your comment. I agree that affairs are the WORST mistake a person can make. Sounds like you’ve had a helluva time with yours. Tell me, is the swim coach still married after all of this?
tv, yes he is still married his D DAY was one week ago today. Yesterday was the anniversary of when we had started our last one. I emailed him and said it was seven years ago today. He responded that it was a good seven and we should remember them that way, then told me again I have destroyed his life… he is still at home so I assume they are still together. I don’t think he regrets the affair he just regrets he has been busted…
I think I am hurting alot more than he is, but I guess that is a natural thought, we all think our own misery is the worst. I have lost alot of years, I don’t even kno whow to begin to really live again. This affair took away so much of me for so long, that I don’t even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. But I know I have to, he is an addiction that had to be broken to save myself.
He always said he loved her and he loved me and he had a good marriage, but I must ask, how can someone really have a good marriage if they ahve cheated all these years always returning to the same OW (me) over and over.
His wife was married with three kids when she had an affair with him and ended her marriage to marry the coach. I guess Karma does come back to bite a person. She did not believe it when my ex husband tod her of our affair years ago, he lied to his wife and said I was pursuing him and it was just all poolside gossip!!!
I guess she believes it this time, will they stay married??? If I were in her shoes I don’t think I could forgive this many years, but who knows what he told her (sure he shortened the number of years lol). If she leaves him, I won’t take him. I can’t deal with losing more of my life!!!!! She called my house on d day but I did not answer the phone, will she call again? I don’t want to have to answer her questions and cause her ore hurt, but yes she has the right to give me hell… so what do I do?
What I and the rest of us who have eaten the forbidden fruit must do, is start to get over it. But how, does it ever really happen? Do you ever finally have a day you don’t think about it?
How do you break a habit of fiveteen years, that took away your heart, your happiness, your family, and I think a part of my sanity?
Self esteem, oh in the beginning an affair will build that UP UP UP. Then it starts to take it away, little by little. You learn to accept being 2nd. Happy to get the few crumbs thrown your way. After being in an affair with him married and then not married I honestly believe it is worse when you are not married. When married you have that other part of your life and you go through the motions, living with guilt but wanting more and more of the OM. Single, you dont have to go through those motions, you dont feel as guilty and you get sucked in even deeper!!!!
As I sit here alone, I realize any compassionate act toward me is just so overwehlming. I cried when I saw you had responded to my blog tv, to see someone read it aned cared enough to respond was like a big hug. That is what an affair does after so long, or mine did, it just makes you feel like you are so so alone. Living this secret life, for a few minutes a day , hours a month, the rest of the time waiting for them to find an excuse for a few more of those precious minutes…
I hope if anyone reads this that is thinking about an affair oer having one will rethink it. It is HELL!!!! I guess my MM is now livingin his own hell, tv, what do you think? When I was discovered my now ex did not talk about it alot, he just tried to make things better…I was wanting my lover and did not do much to help our marriage. We did the counseling, but I (and I am interested if others also) was not wanting to be there. Don’t waste the money with counseling unless you are ready to let go of your lover.
Anyway, I am beginning a long jouirney back to a real life, I hope I can be a successful as many of the others I have read about on here. It is helping to write about this, and if it helps one person not to make the mistake I made and stay in way way way to long, then good for you
)
Thank you tv for your wonderful blog, it was a life saver for me this week. I hope you continue to build that wonderful life.
Lahsa…you didn’t ruin his life—he ruined his own life!!! Don’t take that guilt on…let it go!!! I told my MM’s wife. It was the only way to end it for me, so I totally understand where you’re coming from!
Now you have time to focus on yourself and you can be first in your life again…no more waiting, no more wondering, no more sneaking and the hurting will subside, with time.
The blogging world has been a HUGE help to me and I totally agree with you that TV has a wonderful blog.
Stay strong…you are NOT alone!!!
Morgan,
Thank you for your reply. I know it is going to get easier, it has to. I can’t believe he takes no responsibility for anything that happened… I had to get out I could not take it anymore. I am still waiting for his wife to call me, I can’t believe she hasn’t, but guess she cannot get my cell phone number out of him. He messaged me today and asked me how I was doing, I havenot answered it, I don’t know what to say, and just seeing it brought back so many memories and so much pain. Remembering sitting and waiting for those messages… I hope this starts to get a little easier soon…
The whole ‘the only way to end it was to tell the wife’ thing is just nasty. It’s not the only way. It’s the only cruel and vindictive way. I just don’t understand.
Some of you are talking about an empty feeling. Perhaps its the feeling of infatuation. You can recapture that with your spouse-it just takes conscious effort to get it rolling. Leave your wife or husband a love note before you leave for work, or in their lunch. Send a provocative text. Make conscious efforts to engage them as your lover. Make it exciting again.
Wakingpersephone, i can understand you thinking that it is was cruel, nobody truly knows what another person would do until they ahve been in theri exact shoes. All affairs are different, but they have one thing in common, they hurt. I wish I had just had infatuation, oh. I wish that had been all it was… but it was love and yes I do feel empty, and a partof me will always be empty. But I have to try and begin to get a life back , I had hoped blogging would help, talking to people taht have experienced the same thing. I found comfort and strength reading these blogs, hopefully others can understand and help and hopefully I can help them somehow.
My story is probably the 1 percentile….I am married for 9 years, 2 kids. Started having an affair with a MM from work. We tried to stop it several times early on even before his wife found out. (Within 2 months of it starting.)He told her he was not happy and apparently she wasn’t either, so they quickly split. My husband found out not long after and I moved because he expected me to just stay with him and act like everything was fine in our marriage when it obviously wasn’t. I am still seeing the OM which we are both hopelessly in love with each other. He treats me like a queen and his family loves me, too. My husband knows we are together but wants to stay married. I entertain the idea sometimes but I don’t want to jump in the same problems with my husband and at the same time break the heart of OM. I only talk to my husband regarding
our kids, but occasionally he makes a comment about how he’s waiting for me. I am horrified at the thought of breaking OM’s heart and staying in the same town, and also of starting over with my husband. Both are terrifying thoughts.
Morgan, I wish you would respond or give me away to get in contact with you. I am wondering around in cyberspace trying to find a kindred soul. Tv, I understand you have moved on from your affair mess, and Lord knows that is a hard thing to do… We are all in hell, granted a hell of our own making but nevertheless a hell. I have been so wrapped up in this mess for the last fiveteen years that I dont even know how to get out of it it is scary and I am begging for someone out htere that understand to please help me if that is possible….
Lahsha…I’ll ask TV to give you my email and we can chat.
And Wakingpersephone—I said it was the only way “for me”.
I think it’s nasty and cruel that a man can use and abuse and tip toe back home and pretend his lover never existed while she’s left in misery. That’s nasty and cruel.
Jamy, sorry for the late reply. I don’t access this account very much these days. I agree, you’re in the lowest of percentiles in the adultery-world. But it sounds like you’re still in a difficult situation with your husband. Wow, I can’t imagine being in your shoes….having to choose! Do you still love your husband? Just curious.
I too posted on this blog, last year when my affair came to light.
After reading as much as I could into why people have affairs, I moved on and somewhat tried to focus on rebuilding or at the very least redirecting myself.
By the begining of this year, something had to give. Things had gone from shellshocked initially to over drinking (particulary on my husbands side) and out of control behaviour.
I think I needed to break out of the ‘cloud’ of my affair and I feel that I have done that.
A few ground rules were needed, as I believe my husband needed to forgive my affair and not to bring it up as a form of attack.
He also needed to cease drinking, so that no volatile behaviours crept or should I say exploded back in, causing more destruction to a relationship holding on by threads.
Ofcourse he set some ground rules for me too, that he needed to move on and we went to couselling too.
I would say the last 2 and half to 3 months have been a breakthrough.
I am over my infactuation with the OM, I am refocused on my family and my life, I believe that for me the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ helps immensely.
However I am well aware of the fact D Day as you all call it, is quickly approaching. It is 5 days away in fact, I wonder if his wife will do anything, I wonder if my husband is actually aware of the day (he’s not really a dates man) and what about my jaded OM, his wife kicked him out (not only because of his affair).
I think it is good to reflect on the year that was and see how far we have come and far we (my husband and I) have come.
I also take great comfort in the fact that I have had friends rally around me and not treat me like some threat to their own marriages/partners. I felt very concious of the fact, that I may be viewed as a predator/home wrecker/husband stealer.
I for one, don’t see myself like this, but cringe at the realisation that I did this, to varying degrees.
It also intrigues me, that me as a person that I viewed had a high moral standing ground, was able to rock that to it’s core.
I have great guilt, especially that I feel my daughter was affected by my absent mindedness and an unstable environment. I think this to, is getting back on track.
So for me, I think that it has been almost a year to break through and get over, with a lot of focus and effort and not having him there as a constant reminder of what was.
I would recommend NEVER to have an affair.
HC – glad to hear that you’re refocusing on your family and that progress is being made.
The reason i’m responding to your post though is because I too feel that i’m being judged a sexual predator and that I cannot be trusted in the prescence of any woman (mostly because my wife tells me that I can’t) but also the only other person who knows about this fully also tends to shield his wife behind him like i’m gonna jump on her the moment his back is turned and he’s meant to be my best friend! Still I have been shocked to my very core as to how far I could fall as I use to think of myself as a pretty decent guy – kind, generous and moral (particularly in light of my own dark upbringing – no excuses for my behaviour by the way, in fact it should have been the catalyst for a very moral life as I strived to move away from my parents mistakes!) I too have such great guilt but as I also approach the year mark since D Day my vervent hope is that my wife and I can refocus on our family and lose ALL the destructive influences that threaten our recovery from my selfishness….
having just reread my post please excuse the spelling mistake, should have read “fervent” not vervent.
tv,
i’ve been trying to read misfitmistress’ blog, but somehow it keeps saying her blog is protected. How can I read her blog again? I’ve an account with wordpress, but obviously, it is not enough. Please advise. Thx.
daretodream1, misfitmistress has disabled her blog. She has moved on from this affair-world. She said so in an e-mail. So there will be no more updates from her.
I’ve read through several responses here, and most of them scare me. I’m only three days into the break-up with my lover. We are both married, and we had a near miss with his wife. I don’t even know if he explained it away (I suspect he did). All I know is that in one fell swoop, he ended contact.
Our affair was deep, passionate, emotional, intellectual and highly sexual. The connections on all fronts continued to escalate, until the unfortunate ‘near miss’. And in a moment, it was gone. He cut me down, sliced me from his life and I am so raw and cooked, it’s like a dagger through my heart.
I don’t know how to repair my marriage. My husband doesn’t know of our two year affair, but he must surely suspect. Our marriage is sexless, not at his choosing. All I can do now is to hope to repair the situation at home, for the sake of my family and harden my heart. I don’t want to be posting here a year from now, wondering when it will stop hurting.
How do I get past it? How do I convince myself that what we had wasn’t real? How do I behave normally at home while I suffer the grief in silence? How do I accept no contact? And finally, how do I drive the streets, knowing at any moment we may run into the other? Our worlds will likely cross. It is unavoidable.
I feel so hollow, as though the life has been ripped from me. But I can’t do that. I have a son (10) and I need to get out of autopilot and hide the pain in my eyes.
Any advice is welcome.