Don’t get me wrong. I am proud of what Memorial Day represents and all, being an American. But like the sad parent who shudders every Christmas morn’ because their child died in a car crash that day, my aversion is toward Memorial Day. That’s when a part of me died.
Three years ago this weekend.
Memorial Day Weekend 2007. Sunday. Approximately 10 a.m. That’s when I did it. When I “sealed the deal.” It’s when I slept with a woman other than my wife, a day that would change my life forever.
I promise to spare you the details of that morning. They would not serve any meaningful purpose. What I will say is this: It felt “right.” Wrong, but right for a variety of reasons. Sure, I was breaking my marriage vows, but I did so with my eyes wide open. Adulterers often say they acted without thinking, that one thing led to another. But not me. I knew what I was doing. I had no illusions about what would happen when I drove to her apartment that morning. I had contained my desire for several months, but now it was “go time.” Cross the line-time.
I felt safe. I had known her for years, and our conversations leading up to this moment reinforced that trust. Both of us were married, meaning she had as much to lose from a botched-affair as I did. Logically, there would be no reason for this long-time friend, coworker and soon-to-be lover to squeal. Why would anyone do that? It didn’t make sense. You don’t fuck someone, then tell your spouse. So I dismissed the idea. Purged it from my mind. I’m a common sense man, and based on my logic, the secret we were about to create was a sure thing. Las Vegas, here I come!
It was wonderful. Better than I thought it would be. Sweeter than I ever dreamed it could be. She was beautiful. Electric-blue eyes. A perfect biochemical match. It was then I knew I was going to hell. No one –I repeat—NO ONE can experience this without losing his soul.
Damn, I’m a smart guy.
It didn’t happen on that weekend or the next. The cat stayed in the bag long through Labor Day. But by early October, Halloween month, the devil came to collect his due.
I don’t remember much after that. Life after D-Day was mostly a blur. Screaming, shouting, threats of divorce. Ya know, all that nasty post-affair stuff. I’m still married, thank you. Hanging in there. A little worse for the wear, but I still have my shirt. And suddenly I forget where I was going with this blog-post. I’m not sure I knew when I started writing it.
Oh yeah, I remember. Memorial Day Weekend. Be safe out there. Don’t drink and drive.
I had a feeling that you would post something today, I remember when I first read your blog “cover to cover” thinking how ironic it was that my “physical” affair started on Memorial Day also… Must be something in the air. My eyes were wide open as well. I had been talking to him for 3 months. It was time to “seal the deal”. Although, we didn’t sleep together for another week. We spent the evening like frisky teenagers not being able to keep our hands off each other and kissing each other with intense passion.
Well, this is the first Anniversary and boy is it hurting. I feel the way I did when it ended. My stomach is in knots and my mind is stuck, replaying every single moment of my affair. It is also taking every ounce of self control not to contact him! I guess part of me would like a bit of validation for my feeling. Itd make me feel better if he was struggling as well. I didn’t expect it to hit this hard.
Try to enjoy your long weekend as I will try to enjoy mine… Tuesday will come soon enough!
Cheers!
Hey TV! Just stopping by to say hi. Good to read you. I have been thinking about you, brother.
Isn’t strange to revisit those past, defining events that have wreaked havoc in our lives? They seem so distant, yet so close.
I have learned that certain things are hard, if not impossible, to mend completely, no matter how many years go by. I had hoped otherwise. But I have also learned that deep shit doesn’t prevent deep happiness from occurring. But it’s a happiness that lies within myself, not with my life with P.
Happy Memorial Day.
Nituru! Great to hear from you. I figured (hoped) you were still out there somewhere. I hope you’re doing well, and appreciate your comment to this latest post. I’m not writing much on here anymore because, well, after a while, what’s the point? I’m coming up on 3 years since my infamous “D-Day.” It some ways, it seems longer, but in another way, it seems like yesterday. But life goes on, eh? You’ll be glad to know my marriage has held together despite everything. Here’s hoping for a positive future!
Tiger Lily, sorry for the late reply. So you’re a Memorial Day honoree too, eh?
Congrats on reaching the one year mark. It’s amazing how the urge to reach out to “other” remains strong. But don’t worry. It’ll die down before you know it. So much time will have passed, you’re not sure what you would even say to them if you did have the chance. While I don’t remember the particular details of your “situation,” I hope you’re doing well. Hang in there!
Glad all is well TV. But I’ve read this several times and wonder…did ‘part of you die’ because you ‘crossed the line’, because you got caught, or because you experienced something you didn’t know existed and without it you now feel dead (ie – what you didn’t know wasn’t hurting you)? Or maybe you don’t really know…..
Hi TV…just checking in on you. Short update: I’ve left my husband, reconnected with many, many old friends…having more fun than I’ve had in years. And I’ve met (or re-met) someone… and he adores me, and wants me…and likes touching me and loving me. So…my daughter is grown, she’s got her Dad back….he’s got her back. And I am happy. Hope things are well with you!
Terri, so sorry for the late reply. I rarely check this blog anymore and the e-mail associated with it. WOW! It sounds like your life has changed dramatically since we last spoke. Are you happier now that you’ve left your husband and met someone? The last time we spoke, you and your husband had reconciled and things seemed to be going well. This is a major development. I’d love to hear more. Feel free to direct e-mail me if you feel like sharing.
Michelle, sorry for the late reply. Hope you’re doing well. I think a “part of me died” because of all the fall-out since D-Day. As you know, there are so many emotions and events in the aftermath of an affair. I’m a strong guy, but piece by piece, I’ve lost something. Overall, I am doing well. Thinking less about all this affair-crap. Occasionally I get the urge to add a new post, but for the most part, I try to leave it alone. How are you?
Michele,
I think, for me, it’s that I experienced something that I didn’t know existed. But, I don’t think that it’s possible for that chemistry and intensity to exist in day to day life. It only exists in the “affair bubble” and this taints us. We have now experienced that intense chemistry and our emotional expectations are raised (for lack of a better word). But it is unrealistic!!! As we all know, explaining that to our hearts is nearly impossible.
The thing is – I think I CAN experience the intensity out of the ‘bubble’…in fact, I know I can.
What I’d really like to know is: Can you just erase the other person from your mind? I think many do…and I’d rather – despite all the hurt- be me!
Michelle, I don’t think anyone erases their ex from their mind completely. I never will, nor would I want to. Now that thoughts of OW no longer torture me, I’m able to see her –and the affair– for what they were. And what is that? An interesting chapter of my life that can never be repeated, but one that I will always cherish…in an odd sort of way.
I recently watched “The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” because it is about erasing memories. I’m not sure for us affair people that the ending would help us move on but it sure had some great quotes.
TV, right now I would choose to have my memory erased of him. Right now I see nothing positive about our relationship and thinking about and blogging about it only serves to remind me of what an idiot I was and how painful the entire situation has been. I hope I get to where you are one day.
Kelly, thanks for your comment. I, too, enjoyed “Eternal Sunshine.” Interesting movie, and you’re right, lots of great quotes! So…how long’s it been since your affair ended? How long did it last? How did it end? I take it you still have strong feelings for this married man. Sorry to hear this. It takes SO long to move past such feelings, which occupy our every waking moment. As you pointed out, I am doing much better these days. It’s taken three years to get to this point. Like most people who’ve had an affair, I’ve been to hell and back, and sometimes the feelings still return. But oh well. The one thing I’ve learned, and the thing that EVERY person in this situation learns, is that you can’t turn back the clock. No matter how much you wish you could return to that sweet moment in time, you can’t. You simply can’t. That brief moment in time is over. Period. Sad, isn’t it? But the sooner we accept that we can never go back, the quicker we can move on. Good luck with your struggle. It’s a hard one, I know.
TV you have a gift with words that I’ve so appreciated these past ‘tortuous’ months/year. When I read your comments about your affair being a past experience that you’ll never repeat but yet cherish – I thought ‘Bingo’, someone gets it!
HE seems to have moved on and has a wonderful, exciting life – he makes it clear I don’t exist…so be it. I don’t understand, but neither does it torture me…seriously, it’s his loss. I choose to ‘cherish’ my memoeries (oddly I feel that they’re mine -he has no right to interfer with my memories now). Turns out I was his fourth affair (he’s in his 60s)-but this time it lasted over a year (not a one night thing). He got lost in it too this time…but now he says I don’t exist. Actually, I’m existing just fine, and I’m okay with ‘cherishing’ my memories…although it’ll NEVER happen again.
I expect I’ve lost the love of my life; odd that life is so much nicer now?! Whew…who’d ever understand that except someone’s who’s walked in my shoes?
Happy Fourth, and Fifth, and all your other days to come!
Michelle, great to hear from you. Hope you’re doing well these days. Affairs are a survival-game, are they not? A game that has nothing to do with our ex-lovers, and EVERYTHING to do with ourselves. I have examined my life from top to bottom, asking the great question, “Why?” Why did it start? Why did it end? And what does it mean for the rest of our lives? Ahhh, the human condition! Tortured lives. Tortured souls. We live to suffer. It’s who we are. And the question becomes, “Where to from here?” If you figure that one out, PLEASE let me know!
So it is not unheard of that there are reasons why Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is my favorite movie…I take comfort in knowing I am not the only one out there that connected with it. Sometimes I think the hurt and emptiness comes from what you might have had, knowing you will never again have that level of pleasure, not from the pain of knowing it
is over or that it eventually will be. I have been tortured with on and off again from MM for over a year. I just don’t know if I can ever recover. Yes, it is true, we choose how long we suffer (in theory), but if that were true wouldn’t we all push that erase button?
Overnow,
I think you are right, the worst pain is knowing that we will never again have that kind of pleasure, that is what will haunt us long after we finally accept it is over. That is what haunts us and keeps all of us in this hell.
I am a long long way from recovering, but I am better than I was a month ago, my D day was May 6th and I was tortured on and off again for fiveteen years, I am still being tortured. But I have to believe that I will recover but it’s gonna take a long time.
I guess I am luckier than alot I got the answers that so many don’t get. I got to hear that yes it did mean something to him, actually alot more than I ever realized. I caused our D Day and he is living in hell (from his wife), and still wants us to continue even
after I shattered his life to try and save my own. He is not one bit sorry he cheated but he sure is sorry he got caught!!!!
But as much as I love him and yes I do, I cant go on with the stolen moments. I have to learn how to live again, taking baby steps on a long road to recovery. I think affairs really are like an addiction and I wish there was a twelve step program to recovery.
We dont choose how long we will suffer, I think we choose to try to somehow survive until the suffering begins to fade with time or we learn that we deserved more than what we had with the MM. I am a long way from either one of them.
You are not alone, and reading and writing on tv’s blog is helping. You are NOT alone.
It had been building for months, this intellectual affair. We were colleagues. We had always communicated by phone and email.
There was little mystery when I went to see him on that first, fateful morning. I knew what was going to happen when I stepped into the hotel room, and happen it did. The door opened, he pinned me against the wall and his lips were on mine. His soul consumed me, and that was the first time I ever saw his face. Within half an hour we were both screwed, literally and figuratively.
It made no sense. We’d never laid eyes on the other, but we knew what would happen before I walked through that door. I have known great sex. I have known fabulous sex. But what happened that day blew everything out the window. Undeniably, I was screwed.
That was two years ago, and it has escalated since. Each encounter is more mind-blowing and powerful and I have come to love him, unconditionally. We don’t see each other a lot – perhaps every two to three weeks. It is raw and visceral, connected and animalistic.
It all ended a few short days ago, with a near discovery by his wife and I believe we’re done. Well, I’m pretty sure we’re done. My error that created suspicion, and in one fell swoop, he may well have ended it. Two years have passed, without an issue or concern (apart from the obvious). It has been a shockingly respectful relationship with mind-blowing sex, adrift in a sea of duplicity.
We’re going to speak in a week, and the final results will be posted. But yes, I believe we’re through. The axe slashed through false paradise with such ferocity and it feels as though I’ve been carved and gutted. If he doesn’t finalize it, I believe I will.
I have a lovely family. A kind husband and two wonderful children. We live the perfect life and I have a parallel life. I am presuming this won’t come to light in my home, but really, I should presume nothing. How strong was he? Does she know for sure? Does she know who I am? Will my home life be further massacred?
If, by the grace of a god I don’t believe in, my own home has been spared, then I should take this gift and run. Perhaps, just maybe, I can resurrect the life I once knew. But it will never be the same.
Two years ago I walked through a door and discovered the most intense pleasure I have ever known. Without it, I’m not sure how I’ll function. Will I recognize myself when I look in the mirror? Will I be able to escape from the lies and secrets I carry with me always? Will I ever sit at a dinner party with my husband and friends and not feel like a fraud?
How does it end?
Angela, thanks for your comments. How does it end? You don’t EVEN want to know.
TV
TV, your brief response has left me confused.
I’m well aware my heart will be gaping, my soul unrecognizable to me. The pit in my stomach will rise and fall. But the very end? The ultimate end? Will I be destroyed? Will my husband find out? Will we foolishly give it another go? Will I ever be whole again?
And finally, how do you live out the rest of your life, knowing that what you felt will never be felt again? How do you accept less feeling? How do you accept the middle line, or pedestrian sex with a partner you no longer feel attraction to?
Does anyone come out unscathed?
TV, you’re male. Stereotypically speaking, you guys are supposed to get over this stuff more easily. A year out, you still think of her. Are the women fairing even more poorly?
Is there not some magic pill?
Also, what his wife discovered was easily explained away. Nothing was revealed. What rattled us was the knowledge that mistakes can be made, with far reaching effects. And my knowledge and acceptance of that should put me on the right path, for the sake of my children. I need strength as I have never known. Yes, quitting heroin would be easier.
Angela
discovery is inevitable, a mistake will be made no matter how careful you think you are being. Your mind will start to blur the lines between reality and fantasy and something will give way. My affair was discovered by a mistake I made that could not be explained away easily and my whole world collapsed around me, both the fantasy and reality ones I’d built. At times I was so paranoid that I would constantly second guess myself and check everything, other times I think I was so lost in my fantasy world that I’m only surprised that it didn’t happen sooner.
What I think i’m saying Angela is take the error as a warning sign and check out of the fantasy, take the pain (and it is painful) and use it to find some clarity. Examine the relationship that is based in reality, your marriage and try to find what it is you lost that led up to an affair in the first place.
and yes you’re right quitting heroin, cigerettes and booze at the same time would probably be easier than taking this pain.
much strength to you
UOTI
Thanks, UOTIS,
I know I need to swallow the bitter pill. I’m shocked it lasted this long. It’s just painful and horrible to end something that has been all I ever desired. But I also don’t wish to massacre my family in an ugly way. My marriage won’t survive. I knew that before I ever entered into an affair. We keep it going for my child, and we’ve still got some miles to go. It’s a ‘blind eye’ marriage, but even a ‘blind eye’ situation could not survive something like what I’ve been involved in. It is beyond an affair. It is a parallel relationship, and the level of trust in all matters pertaining to our lives has been extreme.
I feel sick that I have inadvertently put my boyfriend into a precarious position (suspicion, only), and that my own family could be affected. But if I walk away now, my own family will likely be spared. But never my heart.
Angela
this will probably sound harsh, but better the one heart than so many more. The devastation of my own d-day has spread well beyond the confines of my own heart, even beyond the confines of my own family. It may be a bitter pill to swallow but I wish I had taken it rather than cause the pain that I have, i’m hurting anyway so it may as well just have been me than everyone else.
It’s not very fair is it, but I guess we’re the one’s that started these things so we have to pay the devil his due.
UOTI