Picture yourself 5 years from now, when all this “waxing poetic” over your affair has finally, FINALLY ended. And it will end. I promise you that. You’ll reach a point where the details of your affair no longer matter. In fact, you’ll conclude what everyone else concludes. That your affair was NOT the romance of the century. If it was, you wouldn’t still be married to your spouse, and your ex-lover wouldn’t still be married to theirs. You’ll realize your affair was merely a case of, “You liked her, she liked you, you fucked.” Sorry, lovers, to put it in those terms, but it’s true. You’ll see when a few years pass. You will also see that your “grace period” for being a miserable, heart-broken sap has expired. The people around you, the people who count, will expect you to have become that person you promised. So the question becomes, who is that person? Who will you be when the shit-storm passes?
Me? I’m at 3 years now. Three years since D-Day when the shit-storm blew over my house. I’m happy to report that the storm has passed. My family is in tact. My wife and kids still love me. Most remarkable is the fact that I now go for days at a time without thinking about “it.” Sure, I still field a few comments on this blog, and communicate via e-mail with a couple of subscribers. But it’s only to share some of the lessons I’ve learned. The truth is, my desire to be part of this post-affair world has waned, as it will with you in the future. The only thing I haven’t been able to do is decide which person I will become…for the rest of my life.
Will I take up golf? Stamp collecting? How ’bout volunteer work at the local boys shelter? God knows, there are plenty of folks in need, and I’ve done little in my lifetime to “give back.”
Who can I be that will make me happy, that will give my life purpose after everything that’s happened? Who do I know that’s survived an affair and can point me in the right direction? My wife seems to think the answer is Jesus. (Of course, she has thought that for the past twenty years.) I recently learned that my ex-lover is now a cross-bearing warrior for God. No shit! She posts bible verses on her Facebook page, and writes profound things like, “My husband is awesome!” Really, sister? Really, really, really? Well, praaaaaiiiiise Jesus!!! Halle-fucking-lujah!!! Is this the sum of your life experience? Is religion the logical next step, seeing as how you’re surrounded by religious fruitcakes? Will your husband love you more? Will his family now accept you? Goddamn, girl! What a brilliant idea!
But then, we must all become something after an affair. May as well be a persona that wipes away sin.
As for me, I’m thinking about doing something radical, like people my age (upper 40s) tend to do. No, it won’t be skydiving. I’m too chickenshit for that. But I would be willing to try mountain-climbing or scuba-diving. Yeah! Something outdoorsy. Something that takes me far from the dimly-lit mind of my former self.
Good for you man, glad to hear that you’ve survived!! I’m still mired in it for now and can’t see the shining possibilities but I’m so glad that after all the torture and shit that was flung your way that you have pulled through and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You may not want to pick up the holy cross and march to the ultra christian beat but if your gonna take up scuba then keep God close, you can always do with the help when you’re down in the depths….. personally I love scuba and all the new worlds you can discover!!
I hope you keep this blog going though TV as you’ve shown me that I can make it through this if not entirely unscathed at least whole and happy. I know you don’t want to be bogged down in this forever but it does give the rest of us damned souls a place to hash it out until we can get there too. I also hope you occasionally chuck out some posts to as I love your writing style and would miss some of the dark, hard hitting comments (plus the chick pics are awesome!)
right I think i’m gonna stop the lovefest now before I further embaress myself.
good luck mate
UOTI
Your right, I do have a terrible habit of religion-bashing, and that can’t be good. As for “embarrassing oneself,” your affair ended recently, and it’s normal to express hurt feelings. It’s when three years have passed that a person starts to embarrass themselves. That’s me. A walking embarrassment. I’m embarrassed that I still get worked up from time to time. This latest post is an example of that.
It’s hard not to religion bash when it is being thrown at you left, right and centre mate, it puts you on the defensive and you dig your heels in. Best thing to do is just let God know you’re all right with him being around and I’m sure that will be enough (I try not to let the card carrying Bible bashers near me but still believe in the big man).
You still get worked up because you’re a human being and it is an emotionally charged situation that cluster f*cks everything around it. Sh*t if you didn’t get worked up about it you would be a serial a**hole cheater who is borderline sociapathic. So don’t worry, just be grateful that you are cantering in relative open countryside now that the claustraphobic confines of the affair tunnel aren’t pressing in all around you.
ps. literally just had the first direct email from my xOW in a year and it is an ice cold professional email with all the warmth of a penguin’s testicles, i’d wondered for over a year as to how a warm and caring “friend” not at least check in to see how I was occasionally (i had a d-day and she didn’t!) and now I get this. I think this will def help me heal as it just adds fuel to the burning down of the pedestal that I had placed her on. I don’t think I will be replying.
UOTI
aarrrggghh!
Try running a marathon ….. That’s what I did! I had never run more than 5 miles. It worked, although now that it is over, I am looking for my next “thing” to conquer.
Good luck!
Yes, it does get easier, but never goes away. I’m a year out and still get worked up here and there, still get sad and still miss “him”. What I have realized is the man that I had, didn’t truly exist. He became, for me, what I needed and I imagine I became for him, what he needed. Both stuck in an electric fantasy destined to get burned. It’s too bad, because I still do believe what had our worlds collided at a different time, we could have been great, and I only believe that because I knew him when we were younger ….. Could of, should of, would of…. It always comes back to that!
Ah yes, the old “could have, should have, would have.” The staple of all affair-doers. Torture is what it is. Torture I say!
Hope you are well, Tiger Lily.
It is torture absolutely. I have a chance to bombard my xOw with questions as she has popped her head above the parapet, but I don’t think I will as I don’t want to rip open some very fresh wounds….
what to do about that?
UOTI
plus a whole lot of other sh*t of course!!
UOTI, Damn those emails suck. The one I had last week sent me into a tailspin, but I think I came out of it stronger. I took a long weekend with my family and today I have a real kiss my a$$ attitude. I hope I can keep it up. Except for the email last week, today is day 58 of no contact. I had promised myself that I would do 60 days, now I am thinking I should start another 60. I hope your email helps you come out stronger also.
I heard this quote from Tom Stoppard:
We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
TV and UOTI, Please bear with a born again christian who has been beaten down about as low as a person can get, if I have learned nothing else from my experience it is that the bible is chocked full of good practical information. When Paul told the Corinthians that they shouldn’t commit adultry, he explained to them the consequences in very practical terms. Paul was obviously a worldly man and I get the distinct feeling that he spoke from experience. He understood how far reaching the damage could be. As a believer I struggle every day with the fact that I let God down with my act and continue to let him down because I have been unable to let it go. I don’t believe a man can lose his salvation, but I do believe payment comes due at some point. I only hope that my payment is nothing more than the unbelievable heartache that I have felt all this time. OK I’ll stop preaching now. Hope you are all doing well this week.
Flattened
you’re not wrong mate, that email kicked my a** and it wasn’t anything but a cold business one. Damn!
Glad you had a good weekend and that it gave you the right attitude. I had some great moments this weekend too and it’s given me the resolve to not reply.
Love the quote man,
UOTI
Flattened
don’t think I’m mocking your faith, I do believe but keep these things between God and myself. I think Paul was right about the far reaching damage of adultery and I definitely think that comes from having experience of it himself as you really do have to walk a mile in these shoes just to have the slightest hint of how bad it can be.
UOTI
Your blog is well written and very engaging. Almost like reading a good novel. Thank you for that.
The fact that it isn’t fiction, however, makes it disturbing and upsetting to me. I’ve never had an affair. And I am not the victim of a cheating spouse. But as a married woman (9 years along) I understand how delicate and fragile marriage can be even in the best of situations.
That said, your blog and your story has left me feeling conflicted for you. On the one hand, the fact that you fell for this OW and had deep, caring feelings for her that you thought were mutual, only to find out that she was BP and her end of the discretion was explained away by a diagnosis, is nothing short of poetic justice. I can’t help but think, ‘You deserved that you selfish prick. HA!’
But then then on the other hand, the fact that you felt such deep and caring feelings for this OW is so damn endearing. That yearning and wanting of another person and the need to be craved and yearned for in return is just so human and touching.
I can really fault you for that. Who honestly could? Isn’t that what we all want, after all?
I think everyone is selfish to an extent. Perhaps we are drawn to people for the way they make us feel about ourselves. And we fall in love with that feeling–that idea–that illusion of what we are.
Perhaps this OW made you feel the way your wife had made you feel about yourself when you first met her. I don’t know. But when that initial burst of excitement wears off, and the illusion begins to fade–as it does when your with someone for a while–we are stuck with the reality of who we are and the reality of who the other person is. (BP or otherwise)
I’m still reading through your blog. But one question that is bothering me is what exactly went wrong in your marriage that made you stray?
Anyway thanks for giving me something thought provoking today. Best of luck to you. xoxo
As always, TV, well said. I am over 6 months out now and I can feel myself gravitating towards your attitude more everyday. I can actually see the day ahead when I won’t be bogged down in all this post-affair stuff; when it is just life again (but better).
As far as who you want to be post affair- that’s a tough one. I know for me, I want to give back to my community as much as I can. I’ve always been really involved, but since ending my affair, it’s become a true passion. I want to do as much as I can for others. It’s rewarding… and since I have been so selfish, it feels selfless- to willing give to those who need.
Good luck, man
Thanks. I’ll need all the luck I can get as I trudge on toward the “rest of my life.” Kudos on your volunteerism. That sounds like a wonderful outlet.
Thanks for your comment. I know, I’m pretty conflicted, right?
Sometimes I think I’m the one who’s bipolar. But I’m not giving these things as much thought these days. I blog very rarely, in fact.
I love your statement: “Perhaps we are drawn to people for the way they make us feel about ourselves. And we fall in love with that feeling–that idea–that illusion of what we are.” Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Ultimately, you realize that affairs aren’t about our lovers, but about ourselves. Our needy and deficient selves.
You make an excellent biblical point, UOTI. I only wish I would have heeded the bible’s warnings about adultery, but I dismissed it, thinking I knew better. Paul had it right. Adultery sends lives into a tailspin.
Love the blog! I have been back and forth over the last few months – Visiting each time the relationship ended…looking for a little inspiration I guess, something to get me through the unbearable pain. So it finally, finally, finally ended (if I say it often enough I hope I will begin to believe it myself )….My choice (god knows how many times I’ve walked)……While I had this roller-coaster of passion and emotion (was not about the sex at all), there was always something that stopped me from making the final leap to be with the OW.
Was it the cat (can’t stand them), was it the dog (see comment about cat), was it that I don’t want anymore kids (clearly she did), was it that she was a person that ‘cycled through friends’ (her choice of words not mine), was it her history of adultery or promiscuity (great story about her ex-boss and new husband the night before they got married) or was it that every time I was about to move forward the numbers 666 appeared (seriously)! Or may be I am just a coward.
But whatever self-preservation/inner protection mechanism I have, it has always stopped me, and now after 4 years (can’t believe I am writing that number) I am resolved to move on…..Just don’t know how. Wish it was next week, next month, next year, but it isn’t and that scares the living crap out of me. Because the pain is real, it won’t stop, and I just need to find some nugget of strength to get me through the day…..This is helping!
I am currently day 3, and wishing I had a ‘new me’ as the old one sucks right now!
I need you all to know that your comments are all a real help to the newbie here. Well, I’m not new to my affair (almost two years), but new to the breakup. Sixteen days ‘clean’. The thought of him leaves me breathless, angry, aroused, confused and rather depressed. And despite the fact that I want to crawl between his sheets – or onto the washer/dryer – I know you are right. Our discovery was only a near discovery and it scares me to think that one or both of us will get foolish, and go back.
I’m not carrying the public knowledge and humiliation, and I think that makes me more vulnerable. I need to buck up and NOT consider the possibility that we can continue. ‘I must not answer text, phone, email if it comes… I must turn down love and incredible sex… I must be robotic… I must learn to desire home sex…’ Ah, yes, sadly I’ll likely be divorced while the new TV Explorer is out there making his new mark on the world.
I draw strength from all of you and know I don’t want to go down in flames, and more important, to harm my family. You guys are the 12 step program, and I’m the pathetic new rookie. ‘Hi. My name is Angela. I haven’t had illicit sex in 16 days. I need a buddy to stop me should my panties begin to fall..’ DAMN IT it’s hard.
I sound glib and harsh. I’m still in shock. The full introspection hasn’t hit. I’m in the chemical withdrawal, and sadly, I feel it would be easy to get drawn back in.
Hey – TV – you’re in good shape. You’re managing. Religion would be the marital deal-breaker for me. My hat goes off to you. Stay strong.
Angela
it would be so easy to be drawn in again, especially as you haven’t had to deal with heartbroken spouses and distraught family members. The lure is always so bright and shiny and the dangers so distant. Take it from someone who is still in the trenches of recovery (yes it does sound very 12 steppish…) behind the bright and shiny lure is a wickedly barbed hook that does untold damage and ends up with you gaffed, gutted and consumed.
If I was you I would strike up the washer/dryer relationship at least the discovery would be cleaner…. (some affair humour).
Don’t worry about being glib or harsh, if it’s how you cope its how you cope, besides my own writing and TV’s tend to have a dark humour about it.
I wish you well
UOTI
Well, UOTI, it’s a process, as you know. Feelings vacillate from one day to the next. Your words and TVs serve me well, and the words ‘gaffed, gutted and consumed’ are rather terrifying. At least they should be, but as you know, I’m still lost in the bright and shiny lure with dangers so distant.
It’s tough to imagine living life in a calm and staid manner, without the extreme high that the affair has given me. But I’ve also thought long and hard about TV’s original post here, about how it boils down to a simple fact: We were attracted and decided to fuck. Simple, straight and to the point. All affairs have that as the basic, simple premise. It’s just more difficult when there are extreme cerebral and intellectual connections that should be the foundation of any solid relationship.
Some of us married the wrong person and must live with that fact or move on. Others married someone they were suited to, but out of boredom or a need for a thrill, sought something else. There are so many reasons for affairs, and some are more difficult to tear apart.
BUT, nobody (myself included) should ever consider that it will be tougher to tear apart their affair than their family and reputation.
I think I can do it. God, I hope I can.
UOTI, if you ever wish to take this outside the forum, please ask TV to privately send you my email address. I’d love to more about how you’re coping. There’s always much to learn from others.
UOTI, You are right about how easy it is to get drawn in. I told you I had gotten the “I just want to be friends” email about 54 days into my 60 days of no contact. Well on the eve of day 60 I gave her a call to see if she wanted to meet for dinner and talk. She said she didn’t want dinner, but I could come by her place and talk. Guess how that turned out? We talked, we cried, we kissed and then we made love like I had dreamed about for 59 days. Now we almost aren’t speaking again and it looks like another 60, 90 or maybe 120 days of no contact to get me out of this hell I’m in. What the hell was I thinking?
LOHAG, thanks for your comment. I’m sure you’ve become quite connected to this person after 4 years, and therefore you’re hurting. It’s funny how we can make “decisions for the best” while we’re still in the affair. Then, when they’re gone, it hurts like a mother. Your description of things reminds me of how cocky I was when my affair was going on. Since then, I have wished a million times I could have her back. I wish you luck on your new journey. Remember, 3 days will turn into 4 days tomorrow, and so on, and so forth.
Angela, thanks for your comment. For the record, I like to give readers the impression that I’m “in good shape.”
For the most part, I’m doing well, but life still seems a little empty. I had to laugh when you wrote you haven’t had illicit sex in 16 days. Good God! Be sure to tell me how you feel when it’s been almost 3 years. I honestly feel like I’ve lost my mojo. The lover in me is a distant memory.
TV, losing my mojo is almost more terrifying than the thought of UOTI’s jagged hook. It shouldn’t be. Perhaps I’ve just lost all sense of morality. I’d suggest a 12 step meet-up group so we could all console and support each other, but I’d likely be the harlot in the room.
JUST kidding.
Angela, I would challenge you on the “harlot” title and lack of morality anytime
Flattened… I am happy for you. Sh-t, I know I will burn in hell for all of this, but I am still a cheerleader for love – the more forbidden, the better.
UOTI, congrats on the new blog – keep up the good work!
In other news: I know for a fact that my ex is beyond hurt and hates my guts after the breakup (smth happened in between and now I have documents to prove it)
And you know what? My pain pretty much disappeared as soon as I learnt a few days ago how angry & obsessed he is – I am actually happy again! Crazy, isn’t it?
Another f-cked up idea: only recently I’ve been waking up each morning on a pillow damp from my tears, telling myself that I’d rather swallow a handful of razorblades and wash’em down with sulfuric acid than ever contact him again. After the latest developments where he acted paranoid and was THIS close to putting my marriage in danger… I might as well give him a friendly call in a few months. He’s officially a bad guy now, so we’re even.
It is so nice to hate and be hated. Who said this: “Hate is such a luxurious emotion, it can only be spent on one we love”?
Kisses
Angela/Tv – I don’t think you guys have lost your mojo, I just think you were used to using it up on someone else…
Flattened – sorry to hear you broke the no contact in 60 days goal. Maybe the next 60 days will go better for you. I wish you well.
Aolele – thanks for checking out my blog! A near miss with discovery huh, yet still a champion for forbidden love, you are definitely a rare one
glad you’re happy though. Take care
UOTI
I just found your blog. I read all the way back. OMG I am wondering if my XOM is bipolar also.
You described so much of what I have been going through. My affair ended the end of June. I don’t know why. He won’t answer me. Cut off all contact without a word. And he pursued me, he wanted to leave our marriages for each other. Had just told me the day before that he was ready to leave his situation and take our relationship to a whole new level. I haven’t heard from him since. He even ran a red light because I happened to be sitting at the same red light. I don’t understand how he was telling me I was his soul mate,friend, woman of his dreams one day and the next I became nothing to him. I constantly wonder if he thinks of me. How he went back to what he said were dark days and that it was my love for him that got him through them.
Ashley, thanks for your comment. Glad you found some connection to this blog. To be clear, both you and your XOM are married? If so, I can probably guess why your man broke it off. Men, as a general rule, have double standards. They want to have their cake and eat it too. In other words, most men are perfectly content to have a wife they can depend on at home, and a lover to take care of the emotional and physical needs. The problem is, anyone with common sense knows this arrangement won’t last forever. There are great risks in cheating on your spouse. One mistake, and you throw it all away. I’m guessing your man woke up one morning and said, “Oh my God, this has to stop before it’s too late!” That, or his conscience finally kicked in, and he decided to “do the right thing.” Who knows?
Did the break up happen at your expense? Yes. Does someone always get hurt in an affair? Absolutely. Will you spend the next few years of your life mulling over the breakup? Probably. I hope for your sake you can find peace.
Regarding your question about bipolar disorder, my ex-lover now claims she never had it. That she was “misdiagnosed.” (That’s what she told a mutual acquaintance, which is how I know.) Do I believe her statement? Oh, fuck no. But it’s ancient history. She’s at home role-playing for her husband now.
Yes we were both married. Although I am basically separated. My husband lives in the basement due until we work things out financially. He had been separated and had been asked for a divorce, up until 1 month before I met him.
I guess one thing that hurts so much, is that obviously he chose her over me. The woman who cheated on him with 5 men within a 6 month period. The one that would lie and go out all the time to bars while he was at home with their young daughter. He said he would never let her into his heart again. That she had broken it repeatedly.
I see that maybe he woke up and felt like he couldn’t do this anymore. But after everything we shared couldn’t he have the decency to tell me that. Not just disappear and refuse to answer my pleas for an explanation. To me that is cruel and heartless.
I am with you. After everything you described it sounds like your ex was bipolar.
Ashley -
If I’m not mistaken, we’re living the same life. Your marriage is exactly like mine, and after a near miss, he ended it with no contact. Well – there was a three line email saying he would call me last weekend. He didn’t.
I don’t know if he’s ended it or not, but his erratic behavior has made it easier for me to be ‘done’.
We knew on the day of the near miss that it was likely over. But no goodbyes? No ‘what a wonderful two years we’ve had?’ No ‘You/we were real. I’m sorry we must part ways’?
Just writing this and reading your words made me get over things a whole lot faster. I’m sitting here with a major WTF going on. I mean, there was not a solitary issue between us. Nothing. It got better and better… the sex, connection. It was a real relationship, albeit illicit.
How do people do that? How do they not have the courtesy or balls to have a conversation that at the very least validates what was very real?
Hmm… I came to this forum, still lost in the love-dovey’s. You just knocked them right out of me. I hope I’ve done the same for you. But I refuse to ask him.
Okay – 18 days clean. Brighter days ahead.
Hi Angela,
I am glad I helped knock the love-dovey’s out of you. Unfortunately I still have them. I can’t believe how similar our situations are.
Was the near miss with his wife or your husband?
You haven’t talked to him at all? If you would prefer to email me so we don’t take up space on tv’s blog my email is wintersashley0506@yahoo.com.
Angela, if you read through this blog you will find that one common thread for nearly everyone is the need to know that the affair meant something to the other person. We want to feel that they are hurting just like we are. We feel like we can deal with it if we know they are suffering along with us. The problem is that no amount of acknowledged hurt by the other person is ever enough. The first time you see them with a smile on their face, even if it is the first time they have smiled in weeks, for you it will be an indication that they are moving on without you. I think we all want some sort of closure and we think that just being with the other person one more time would give us that. It gives a temporary feeling that we might misinterpret as closure, but trust me the yuckies come back hard.
It’s also terribly unfair that no two people are ever at the same point in a breakup. Someone is always further along in the process and that is always painful for the other party. The xow and I have been trying to end our affair for about 6 months. I had had no contact for 59 1/2 days, so I called her that evening and invited her to dinner to talk. She declined dinner, but said I could come by her place and talk a while. Several hours and much sex later I left with my head and heart in the clouds. A week later I am back to no contact and my heart is a wreck. If I can do nothing else, let me be a bad example. Stay clean. 18 days will become 30, then 60 and one day you will realize that it’s lunch time and you haven’t even thought about the other person. Stick with it. And finally, the sooner you give up the idea that you can ever be friends the better. Nothing holds back your healing like holding out hope that you can have some sort of relationship that keeps you close. Just my two cents worth. Good Luck.
Hey Tv Explorer.
I really like your blog.
I now you are further down the line then I am.
Am happy to hear that you are almost all over it.
Good for you!
I’m like flattened a Christian. And I agree with what Flattened says. It is difficult to let go and want the other person to be just happy.
Sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I want to write long complaining emails to him of how he hurted me how could he let go of me so easily, and sometimes I miss him so bad. Then I send him a email telling him so.
And then I get irritated at myself for letting myself get involved with someone I knew could never be more then it was or irritated for hoping in some way that we could be more.
All this seems to be a lose lose situation doesn’t it?
It is painful to read what you wrote. That you will find that the relationship was nothing special at all.
I guess you are right. But it would be nice to have some excuse to justify the relationship.
But it seems there isn’t.
And I guess I just have to live with that.
Do you have any advice of how I get on with my life?
Sometimes I feel like I’m more dead than alive.
But I guess what I need is time, right?
A New Beginning, thanks for your comment. Allow me to clarify my suggestion that affairs are nothing special. What I really meant is that affairs are reduced to nothing special once time has passed and both parties have moved on. Yes, they were special at the time. Yes, they made us feel on top of the world. Then they end, and they usually end poorly, because one person, it seems, always gets hurt. That was you. That was me. That was everyone else who leaves comments on this blog. And all the people we’re complaining about are not participants in this process. They, for whatever reason, seem comfortable with life without us. And oh how that hurts. The only way to cope after two or three years have passed is to chalk it up to a fuck. Nothing more. That’s my take on things, but you may’ve noticed, I tend to be a negative bastard. I’m trying to change that as we speak. But so far, I’ve had little success.
Hey, Flattened –
I don’t want to know he’s suffering. I don’t like to know anyone is suffering. I struggle when there are not clear answers. In short, we had NO issues in our relationship. It continued to grow and develop for two years, and the sexual connection was phenomenal. We were more experimental than I’ve been with anyone, and also more passionate.
So to have that end in a heartbeat, without so much as a conversation, is exceptionally painful. I didn’t fall into lust and then love. Rather, I grew to love him as an exceptional human being. I can accept his decision to end it. I can accept not being with him. It is as close to unconditional love as is humanly possible.
I am over the romance. I am over that part of things. I am not over not being able to say, ‘I wish you well. You were real. I will always hope for good things in your life’.
That is who I am.
Angela, I didn’t really mean that I wished suffering on her, but it certainly hurts like hell when the other person seems to have moved on with their life without a backward glance. I understand about the relationship. We had this energy that was so strong it seemed like people should be able to see it. The passion was incredible and nothing was out of bounds. She made the decision to end it and she was pretty brutal about it. The only problem was that everytime we found ourselves alone, the passion would flare. Hell, we went 59 1/2 days with no contact and ended up having sex 30 minutes after we reconnected. I don’t know if there ever are sufficient answers, especially if one party really doesn’t want to end the affair. Earlier this week we did the farewell thing. I said all the right things and I meant them. I’m glad we did it, but in the end it didn’t help me. I think I will always love her and want to be with her, but the pain fades day by day until it’s just a dull ache, but I’m still waiting for all the joy to return to my life.
A New Beginning, is it OK if I call you ANB?
They say time heals all wounds, but they also say absence makes the heart grow fonder. That kind of sucks doesn’t it. Do you compartmentalize your affair and your faith and family like I do? I know they all have to come crashing together for me at some point, but I rationalize that I will put that off for a little while longer.
I will echo what TV said about the affair. While it may always be special to you, in time you will come to realize that it was not magical, it was not the love affair of the century(it can’t be because mine was). The more you read these blogs the more you will be amazed at how similiar your affair was to everyone elses and also how similiar your feelings are to others here. Isn’t that feeling of being completely alive the reason we all have the affair? Isn’t that feeling of being completely dead the reason we are all suffering? You will find your way forward, but I don’t think anyone escapes unscathed or should I say unchanged. I am a sadder person and I fear that I will always be.
Hey, Flattened -
I like reading your comments. You provide a lot of depth and insight. What you just wrote: “Isn’t that the feeling of being completely alive the reason we all have the affair? Isn’t the feeling of being completely dead the reason we are all suffering?”
I read those words and I find them alarming. It is also the reason so many people go on to have subsequent affairs. The affair ends, you feel hollow inside, and the only way to feel the high is to repeat… or divorce and start over.
How do people come alive, reignite their flawed marriages and walk happily through life, feeling fulfilled?
I suppose this is why I presume that I will eventually divorce. I’m not sure if I have what it takes to move forward in this life and my marriage with a happy and fulfilled heart.
Then again, I know a guy who just left his wife for his affair partner in one fell swoop. It’s a train wreck. Carnage all over the place… the happy glow of new love… and the WTF did I just do… and most important… where are all my friends, family and supporters.
Maybe the dead heart thing isn’t so bad after all…
Angela, I think that feeling of being alive is so strong that it makes us do all sorts of stupid things. I read that it is a chemical reaction in the brain that affects the same nerve centers as cocaine or heroin and can be just as addictive. The withdrawals are horrible and the cravings can make us do things we would never do otherwise. I’m a proud guy, but I have flushed my pride down the toilet so many times for her. With a clearer head I’m ashamed of the things I have done, but when I am under the influence all that matters is her.
While most people that post here talk about their lacking marriages, I can’t do that. I have a wonderful wife and family and we have always had a full and active sex life. I never thought I was lacking anything, which makes it that much harder to understand why it did it in the first place. I thought we were just friends until suddenly we weren’t.
I have a young friend who has confided in me about her ongoing affair. She is contemplating leaving her husband and kids. She says it is not about the affair partner, but obviously it is. I see her making a horrible mistake, but nothing I say seems to get to her. She is very much under the influence and not thinking straight and I fear that her life is about to get very complicated.
Flattened,
I totally agree with what you’ve said. Ditto in my own case – I cannot name a single thing that is or ever was wrong with my marriage… except the mere fact of truly yours being untrue. Despite leading a very active and interesting life at home, work and socially, travelling a lot (and I mean A LOT)… deep inside I am dying of boredom and routine ever since my affair ended. It is indeed a clinical condition; whether I like it or not, I crave the unavailable drug 24/7. It’s not so much about my lover anymore (things will never be the same even if we reconnect), it’s about “that” feeling I used to have, “that” junkie paradise. I want to feel it again – I tried it and I am hooked for life. There is not a single legal substance or activity on this planet that can be even a remote substitute for the affair high – no scuba-diving or skydiving or any of that s*it.
I will at least continue smoking as long as it’s not yet a crime. It’s expensive, unhealthy, wrong, decadent, classy and it helps me stay smokin’ hot & slim – all in all, bad in a good way. Almost like an affair.
Flattened….’I'm a proud guy, but I have flushed my pride down the toilet so many times for her’….Oh god how true are these words. When I think back at some of the crazy things I have said done, I truly do not recognize the person I have become. Not only do I not recognize, but I don’t like me the person I have become and that is even harder….It is a drug, when I see people with addictions problems I can totally relate…the desperation and need for that next hit…What it will drive people to do…the humiliation…I think the low point for me was the (very) public begging for it not to end…and they very calous way (how does the song go)….’walk on by’. I still cringe thinking about it even now, but that was a while ago now and we subsequently reconciled, only to end again.
But now I am resolved never to walk down that path again, I am finding the strength (not sure from where) and little pieces of (old) me returning everyday…Hello old friend, long time no see. Come on in and stay a while why don’t you!
Oh, I get it — the ‘flushed pride down the toilet’ thing. But strangely, this morning I woke up and it all felt okay. We’re in the silent ‘no contact’ mode (well, he is) and I’ve foolishly sent two texts in that time. I feel ridiculous, but he did end it swiftly and when there were no issues in our relationship.
I struggled with the lack of closure, but today I woke up, looked in the mirror and said WTF? I just got my closure. I’m glad he behaved like a bastard. It forced me to look sharply in the mirror. I don’t think I’ve loved my family more since the day I met him, than I have today. Okay… the husband ‘love’ is plutonic, I’ll well admit that.
I’m swiftly on the road to recovery, while accepting that I flushed my pride down the toilet. I have conducted myself with grace throughout the relationship and the swift ending, and I have nothing to feel badly about – in my handling of my AP.
Now it’s about the future. How to move forward without the serious high. I fear I’ll slip again, but not with my ex-AP. I’m not like you guys, with a healthy marital sex life. I don’t desire him, and perhaps that’s why I felt little guilt. I wasn’t fooling around on a romantic partner.
Anyway, the simple question remains: How do you move forward happily without the high of the affair?
Angela,
That is one tricky question. The simple answer would be “another affair – another high”, but hey, we’re all trying to quit the unhealthy habit here, aren’t we? Perhaps until the opportunity knocks, never say never.
Maybe I missed smth – did your spouse ever find out about your straying? In case of my lover, that was the ultimate ticket for a better sex life at home: when his D-day came, he explained his behavior to the wife with the lack of marital sex. Twice a week was not enough for him and now (or at least as long as it took to get rid of me) his poor wife, a full-time hands-on business owner and mother of really small kids started to “do it” to him twice a day at home plus outdoors. To fuck me out of his brain, obviously. It worked to stop him from leaving the family. Good for them. I am still expecting a check for my “spice up the marriage” services.
Did you and your husband ever had a better sex life, or is this platonic love more or less what you’ve had from the beginning of the relationship?
Aolele, I also doubt that I will be able to do without that high forever. I don’t want to get myself back into this kind of situation, but I know that I will always crave the feeling. My problem is that I’m just as addicted to the emotional connection as to the physical, so i’m destined for heartache it seems. Glad you’re staying “smoking hot and slim.” I’m trying to stay as buff as I got during my affair, but I noticed this morning a little bit around the middle. I guess it’s diet time.
LOHAG, Unfortunately the further you get away from the emotion of the affair, the more embarrased you will be by your behaviour. I am glad you are finding the strength. It’s always like a roller coaster, the highs are always followed by lows. the best we can do is look forward to the day when the highs outnumber the lows.
Angela, I also feel like I am on the road to recovery. After breaking my 59 1/2 days of no contact by having wild sex with my xow, I had assumed I would fall back into the pit of despair. I did have a couple of bad days, but after about 4 days I started to feel better and forced myself to start doing some of the things I loved before my affair. Even though I didn’t really want to do them, as soon as I started doing them I realized that my mind was occupied and I was not thinking about her. I also started spending a little close time with my wife. Everytime I started feeling down, I would go to her and basically demand that she spend time with me. She has never turned me down. I also decided that I would not hide from the xow. I would not stay in my office in an attempt to avoid her. I will see her in the hall and I will speak to her just like anyone else in the building and I will be civil and friendly. She does not deserve the pain that I have endured and I will no longer endure it for her. I will be happy dammit. I know the desire to feel alive will be strong and I know the possibility exists that I could find myself back in the sack with xow, but I will not let myself suffer for her again like I have for the last 6 months. In fact, I think I would enjoy being in the sack with her without all the baggage.
Aolele, I get the feeling it would be hard to fuck your smoking hot and slim self out of any man’s head. I imagine you are on his mind at least 2 times every day.
I think the emotional connection and the illicitness of this all is what makes us crave the affair – sex is just an overwhelming bodily expression of what goes on in our mind at that time. The spouse can be even better in bed, or more handsome, or smarter than the lover – but unfortunately having sex with him/her is allowed, required and fully legalized by your marriage certificate (or whatever you have there in the USA). Thus lacks the spice. Sigh.
As for the embarrassing behavior during/after the affair… I hope mine was more bitchy than embarrassing. As soon as I felt he is doing me wrong, I more or less committed his verbal murder in self-defense. I really loved him, still do, but no-one is allowed to treat me this way. He expected me to fight for him, but luckily I am not married to him, don’t have his kids or joint property – so I am gladly leaving the impossible taming of the cheater to his wife.
In response to your last comment, Flattened: knowing him (and seeing myself in the mirror
) I am on his mind much more often than twice a day. I just wonder why I get so much comfort in the fact that he hates me and craves revenge for the pain I caused?
Based on the comments above, I guess I should also be relieved that I’m also extremely fit and have a smokin’ hot body. Hmm. So silence doesn’t mean he doesn’t think of the passionate, hot, wild sex and fabulous emotional connection? Good. Hope he’s enjoying the home sex.
Uh oh… did I just wish suffering?
But I wince at the thought that I’ve been kind in my subsequent texts. No bitch factor. Just well wishes for his happy future.
And no, my husband didn’t find out. And no, the sex is almost non-existent at home. My choice. It was never the best I’d had, and sadly, our connection wasn’t enough to make it a good marriage. It would take a freakin’ miracle to make me desire it. So yes… I know what I have to do… but bail-outs take time and planning, and my desire is that everyone maintains the same standard of living. I’m working toward that.
Angela and Aolele, How about posting some pics of those smoking hot bods(no faces) on here. I’m sure that would help us guys get our mnds off our troubles.
Hmm… let me think about that!
Flattened, you naughty, naughty boy. Look at the picture TV posted for this blog entry and use your imagination: that might as well be me wearing a shiny thong (thanks to the affair diet my shape is now exactly as it was a decade ago aka in my modelling years).
Screw the South Beach and Atkins, I should write a book on The Affair Diet – The Married Folks’ Ultimate Guide To Staying Slim While Having Your Cake And Eating It Too. Anyone to coauthor this bestseller with me?
Interesting, AOLELE –
I thought TV snapped a pic through my bedroom window…
Sure. I’ll co-author.
I’ll help with the writing also, but I think the three of us will need to do some collaborating in person.
Flattened… you’re playing with fire, man
And by that I mean the risk that TV might block our asses for the illicit behavior and unauthorized business development on his blog. Oh maybe he wants to join the authors union, huh?
Anyway, we’re way too cheery for a broken-hearted bunch. I’m glad we are, though.
aolele, it is good to be cheerful for a change. I have had a stretch of pretty good days. Yesterday I had to attend a meeting with the xow, just me and her alone. It was friendly and not terribly strained. I enjoyed being with her and was not terribly down afterward. I did wake up this morning wishing I could be with her, but I’ve gotten over it as the day goes on.
I think it would be best for all families concerned if we engage in this endeavor from afar. With luck we’re not all in the same city, or yes — we’ll likely be blocked for all reasons mentioned above.
You haven’t discussed your smoking hot body, Flattened. Or did I miss it?
angela, my story is like everyone else’s. I was always athletic if a bit skinny, but work, family etc. piled up until one morning I woke up slightly pudgy with a pronounced gut. I stayed that way for quite a few years until I started hanging out with the ow. Within 3 months the gut was gone. Within 6 months I had true 6 pack abs, ripped chest and very nice, defined arms. I have made sure to keep a nice tan on all summer. At 6′ 1″ and 180 pounds I’m still lean, but muscular. When the xow peeled my clothes off 2 weeks ago, she said “this would be a lot easier to deal with if you hadn’t gotten so damn hot.”
Well, then, Flattened –
When are you posting pics? This is a co-ed blog and our fearless mentor posts only female bods.
Sorry, TV. We seem to have hijacked a blog, written by you in all earnest as you move well into your road to recovery. I feel that a few of us have become the misbehaving kindergarteners, nowhere near as close to ‘recovery’ as you are.
Damn it’s hard. It is really, really hard. There’s a big part of me that thinks I’ll be a repeat offender. That would be a bad idea. A dangerous, foolish choice.
Okay, Flattened –
You’ve just been through it. Advice time. I just got the first brief contact from him. It’s been 3-4 weeks since our near bust. It wasn’t an invitation to meet — yet. Just a simple, ‘I’m away on vacation’.
Let it slide? What do people do in these cases? Why would he bother?
Angela,
Let me chip in. If I could turn back time and do one thing differently, I would have never EVER replied to his contact mail after the “official breakup”. You cannot imagine how much pain this re-establishment of communication brought me. He left you, he let you know you were not important enough, he chose someone else – wtf does he want now? Come back to hurt you even more?
Love as you knew it is dead and cannot be revived, do yourself a favor and at least save your self-esteem. Let him think you couldn’t care less. Look at Flattened, UOTI and TV – their xOWs act exactly like that, and the boys go crazy missing and craving them. Sorry guys, I know I am a bitch
but all’s fair in love and war. And this is war.
It is very cool for a guy to have two women fighting over him, I bet this is what he expects deep inside. I suspect you probably won’t listen and have contact with him again, but I warn you – you risk to drown in hurt and humiliation.
Angela, I’m sure he’s feeling you out right now. The near miss probably scared him straight for a little while, but as the shock wears off he’s probably jonesing to see you. He knows he hurt you and probably wants to see how you will react to the contact. If your true goal is to get over him and move on, then I would definately suggest that you don’t engage him. I did this for 59 1/2 days, but I have to admit that I never truly wanted to end it. I held out hope that we could define some sort of relationship that would allow us to see each other some, but for her it was all or nothing.
I do have to admit that for me our evening together a couple of weeks ago improved my situation. It gave me a small measure of closure that I didn’t have before, but I think that is because of a specific thing that happened at the end of our affair. I certainly don’t recommend that course of action for anyone else.
I agree with aolele that if you want to get under his skin the best thing to do is act like nothing ever happened. It will drive him crazy to see you going on with your life. I had to sit directly across the table from my xow in a meeting this morning. She looked really nice and I badly wanted to ask if she would like to get together today, but I know the best course of action at this time is to act like I’m happily going about my life.
I actually had a couple of body pics that I considered posting, but my bathroom is quite distinctive and appears very clearly in the background. I guess I already am a repeat offender and I also fear that I might do it again. The high created by that flood of adrenaline is very powerful and it’s hard to imagine never feeling it again. I made an inappropriate comment to a gorgeous young lady yesterday who is about 15 years my junior. She ahsthe most beautiful body and I told her what I would like to do to that body. I expected to get a stinging rebuke, instead she said “we’ll see.” WTH! I needed to be slapped, not encouraged. I’m going to spend all of next week out of town with just the wife. Maybe I can come back with my priorities in order, but I’m not holding my breath.
OK, It probably won’t come as a surprise for most of you that I have never quite given up on the hope that the xow and I could have some sort of relationship that would allow us to keep seeing each other at least occasionally. This morning for the first time I basically sent her an email that said it would be best if we just drop the whole thing. She had emailed yesterday with a big load of crap about how down she was and that it was partly because of me, but not completely. The emphasis being on the part about it not being completely about me. I could never make it all about her and I never expected for her to make it all about me, but it seemed like she was always going out of her way to make sure I knew it was not all about me. So this morning I had had enough of that. I told her that neither of us needed to feel like we did and it was best if we just moved on. I’m gonna take some time off from work and sit on the beach and drink beer and not check emails or take phone calls. I may regret this decison in the near future, but I know that in the long run it is best and heck, I feel pretty good at the moment.
Flattened, I have been there 100 times myself – Well may be not 100, but 20 for sure. I have spent so much money on flights, hotels, beer (you get the picture) all in an attempt to forget ow. But, initial determination to move on eventually faded and I always found myself crawling back. I support everything you’re doing and I wish you all the best, but you will have those moments of despair and desire to return again and that is when you need to be strong. I don’t know if you have friends who you can lean on, but it is tough to achieve on your own – May be not, may be it is just tough for me. I am currently 15 days of NC, the record so far is 5 weeks, neither achievement is particularly inspiring. But you have to start somewhere and tomorrow will be day 16, day 17 on Sunday.
What is different this time is I have a couple of (very) trustworthy friends who I can reach-out to in the moments when I feel like calling ow – It does help that in addition to being my friends they have a huge dislike for ow. Not for what she did, they disliked her anyway and could never understand my attraction (more on that later once I can figure it out myself). Anyway, getting to the point, get away, go drink beer, and when you return lean on us rather than picking up the phone.
LOHAG, I am fortunate that I have a very strong support group that is there for me when I need them. It doesn’t hurt that a couple of them are really hot women. On top of that I have my support group here which also features a couple of really hot women. Yes I’m talking about you two Angela and aolele. The support makes all the difference. I did 30 days of NC and then 59 1/2 days of NC and leaned heavily on my support group. I may be starting another long stretch today. It’s really hard for me to do the NC things too, since the xow works like 50 feet down the hall. I know the determination will fade, but I think I am more able to stand my ground now than I was even a couple of weeks ago.
Hey Flattened and Aolele,
Thanks for the support. Aolele, I didn’t contact him. You’re absolutely right, and it allows me to move forward with a certain amount of dignity. For a couple of weeks I felt the insane need to explain myself to him – my unconditional love. But fuck that. He laid me out to dry, without any explanation. I deserved a hell of a lot more. I’ve said my bit, and he gets no more from me. You always hope that if you’re lying in front of a train, your lover will pull you from the tracks, even if just to leave you safely out of harm’s way. He didn’t stop to consider that I may have been hit along the way.
I’m quite sure his note was a ‘foot back in the door’ – or at least to see if it’s ajar. I miss what we were, immensely, but I no longer trust him with my heart.
And as for you, Flattened, good on you! Life will go on, but it seems that sadly, you, Aolele and I will likely become repeat offenders. My bets are a minimum of 2/3. But I hope not. There’s got to be some way to truly feel alive without the chemical high of an illicit affair. Skydiving anyone?
Oh, and Flattened, please feel free to take those pics in a different and less identifiable location…
Flattened, Angela, Aolele – Re: Reading your posts on bodies and pics made me laugh – You see, my situation is a little different, but worthy of note. You see, I am the one in-shape, always have been, working out 4-5 times a week, running marathons – 6 foot and 170 pounds. And my wife is the same, tall, thin, athletic, smoking hot – Now let me tell you where I went for 4+ years: 5ft7″, 200+ pounds, a BMI in the obese range, a smoker, couch potato and more stretch marks than you can shake a stick at. Everything that could not be farther from what I would under different circusmtances consider attractive and hot. Yet, I was there, in blissful ignorance and more than once the subject of ‘WTF are you doing?’ conversations with friends . Clearly some self-esteem issues to resolve – The cliche is to trade-up in these situations, I felt like bringing the average down a little, actually quite a lot
Okay, LOHAG –
Now you’ve got me laughing. Hey — there’s no knowing where love will take you! Nothing like breaking the stereotypical cliches…
Good on you!
Re: repeat offender. I already am. He wasn’t my first illicit lover, not even second. Only this time it went too far – and then we went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like I love you. And of course, there was this horrible, cruel ending when I felt that my heart has been surgically removed from my chest without anesthesia.
I don’t know how to deal with flashbacks of this pain. It happened again on Friday, right out of the blue. My family and I were abroad, walking in the city center on a sunny day and suddenly the feeling of this hurt and humiliation, a very vivid memory of what he did to me hit. I said that I have stomach pain, excused myself to the nearest restaurant ladies’ room and totally lost it there: cried, sobbed, threw up… Sometimes it happens in the privacy of my office, which is OK, but mostly those sudden flashbacks come at the least convenient times: once I had a bunch of high-profile lawyers waiting for me in the meeting room while I sobbed outside. Shit. What an asshole. How can you hurt a person like this? Not just the person you claimed you loved, but any person, any living thing? How could I let myself be so vulnerable? I’m normally a tough cookie, nobody would believe what kind of thunderstorm I have happening inside.
The thing I sob about is exactly that – he robbed my inner balance. He hit me exactly where it hurt, and I cannot forgive him for that. I have to stop pretending that this experience didn’t change me, because it did. I will never be the same again, not after visiting heaven and hell for the price of one.
Re: support group. I only have you guys. There is nobody in the real world who could help or realize the amount of pain I carry. Well, only Mr Big (more on him in the Fill Out Survey And Return comment thread). He is amazing in giving me a shoulder to cry on and saying the right things, but I try not to overload him with information – after all, we were/are romantically involved too, and there are certain things about Lover and me that Big couldn’t digest.
What truly, really helps is remembering how I did Lover wrong. How I hurt him back. How I didn’t take no shit laying down, but stroke back immediately. And how it worked. Knowing that he suffers is the best remedy for my pain… yeah, yeah I know that fury and revenge are unhealthy etc, but I don’t give a fuck. I don’t wait for karma to catch up with him, I am his fucking karma. As he is mine.
Sorry guys, it’s just one of those weeks. I will be happy to switch to a lighter topic, aka discuss my gorgeous long legs and stunning 5ft11″ slim frame.
Kisses,
Aolele
Wow, Aolele -
I got hit where it hurts and slain in such a similar manner. I don’t understand cold and heartless. I don’t understand brutality, when it comes to matters of the heart and soul. I don’t understand how someone can switch off overnight when there are no issues.
Can someone fake their feelings for 2 years, then cut you out of their life as though you had never existed? Are some people simply too big and important that everyone else in their lives are their pawns?
I’m no push-over. I’ve got a good life. I have had great success. I’m not used to sudden dismissal with so little to chew on. I see such actions as weakness. I’m capable of having difficult conversations, but I will always struggle with and shudder when I think of the coldness that was cast upon me.
I didn’t respond to his brief check-in from last week. Why? In his mind, nothing is wrong.
I get where you’re coming from, Aelole. I fear where you are. I don’t want to get there, so I am slaying my own emotions for him. Erasing it all is likely going to be best. I don’t want to think back about any of it. I don’t want to fall apart as I step into a meeting. I felt sick for two weeks – dysfunctional, really. I won’t let him have more.
Make him go away, Aeolole. No, you’ll never be the same. Become tougher. Stronger. Resilient.
Damn them.
Hello all, I was just trying to decide whether to stay on the couch, go back to bed, go to the beach or go to the pool for a beer. Decisions, decisions. It has been a great week so far, with only a few dark thoughts. I haven’t contacted her and she hasn’t contacted me. I think it should stay that way, but we’ll see if I can make it happen.
aolele, wouldn’t it be nice if you could predict those meltdowns? Doesn’t it piss you off when they happen at such inopportune times? I wish I could be as pissed off at my xow as you get toward your xom. My biggest problem is that I understand why she does what she does and my brain agrees with her. I just wish I could get my heart onboard. I want her to treat me like I am the most important thing in the world to her, at least sometimes, but I know I can’t do the same for her. Ok, I’m thinking pool and beer. Maybe that little asian honey will be there and if not I can always fantasize about aolele’s long, sexy legs.
Angela,
Take it easy, something tells me your story is far from over. Just stand by and see how it goes, what he does next etc. He probably will try to re-establish the contact with you since you guys didn’t have the closure and there were no other issues in your relationship. You might as well find yourself back in the affair, and I must say I envy you for that. My affair is dead as a dodo, and there is no point to reanimate it. Sometimes I wish time would have stopped the evening before the day of discovery, I wish I would have fallen asleep that night and never woke up – I was so happy back then. Happy, and still with a human heart beating inside.
Flattened, honey – I see no choice for the two of us other than diving into the rebound affair. I believe this is the only thing that can help me heal (fighting fire with the fire, huh). However, despite my model figure, manic sexual appetite and overall fabulousness, I don’t envy the next guy. This is how I usually treat my lovers:
It will be sexual and emotional paradise on Earth while it lasts, but as soon as the going gets tough… first of all, I will tell him to contact me again when the storm passes. Then, when he does come back and wants to stay in my life risking to lose everything he has, I will artfully provoke him to say some wrong things without him even realizing it is a trap and the information I literally drag out of him will hurt me. Then, after setting him up like that, I will tell him I need time to think about this relationship, and instead of setting the new rules of how we will be together in this new and very dangerous for him situation, I will send him over a copy of the sext-chat with my other boyfriend Mr Big. In this chat the lover can read our hot sexy conversation with Big, realizing that I never stopped communicating with and caring for B. The lover will also read how I call him “bastard”, “asshole”, tell Big that I never really cared for the lover, that lover was just a substitute, and if only I could have Big who was and still is the best fuck of my life… Lover will also read that Big and I did exactly the things he thought I shared only with him… Lover will see clearly that he was nothing special to me, ever.
That is not all. After a few days the lover’s wife will send me a polite letter wishing me peace and happiness, and in return she will get a bitchy e-mail full of painful details of her husband’s betrayal – both physical and emotional facts that make your hair stand up in horror. The things he never thought I would dare to give away about him. The things she hoped she never knew. Some people wouldn’t be able to wake up in the morning knowing those things about their spouse.
And then I will happily continue with my life, and my public Twitter page will sparkle with “joy of life” every day. He will read it and see his wife was right – I am a heartless, cruel bitch.
I’m not a victim after all. I am a criminal.
So, anyone dares to be my rebound? Anyone?
Damn aolele, you are one scary lady……
and guys I think you need to calm down or maybe get some adult cinematography and take a personal day – jeeesh! I don’t know you go away fro a week and the world goes to hell in a hand basket…. tut tut – lol
sorry guys I couldn’t resist poking a little fun! i’m in a dark place today so need to release some of this negativity…..
Welcome back UOTI, I am on vacation at the moment. Things are going well for the most part, but I woke up in a slightly darker place this morning. I had the urge to make contact and am about to have to touch base with my support groups to keep that from happening. I guess you guys are my first stop. One would think that rowdy sex from the couch to the hot tub to the shower to the bed would get the xow out of my head, but it mostly made me wish it was with her. Ugh. It’s looking like rain today, so no pool, no beach, but at least I still have beer.
aolele, are you sure you’re not my xow? She’s never contacted my wife, but damn if she doesn’t constantly and artfully bait me into saying things that will piss her off and she will never ever define our relationship so I know where I stand. I show up, sometimes we fight and sometimes we fuck, but I never know until the moment arrives.
Angela, I understand the switch thing. My xow’s exact words last week were “a switch just turned off.” I am sick of hearing stuff like that from her and I wish I could just say “goodbye, have nice life,” but I know I am not there yet.
Flattened,
Are YOU sure you’re not my xom? The last piece of pissed-me-off information I forcefully dragged out of him was exactly that: the graphic description of “hysterical bonding” sex with his wife, after which he said to me “But I still get the feeling I am cheating on you, and wishing it would be you”. Bear in mind that during our affair I always shared my experiences of home sex with him, even though he begged me not to – but I just enjoyed making him jealous and see him suffer a bit. That is why he was probably shocked that his last revelation was the ultimate deal-breaker for me. Oh I am SO bad.
He really wanted to have both of us in his life – like you do. Fat chance, mister. Once you say to the girl “you are the love of my life” or “I’ve never loved anybody like this before” or “I imagine us being together” and crap like that, that is the point of no return: she now wants all or nothing, and will not accept anything less. Less being “forever mistress” title. But this is not “love of one’s life”. This is bullshit.
You know, at one point when our relationship was in full bloom and he said he didn’t care if his wife finds out or maybe he’ll tell her himself, I imagined him leaving her for me and letting him hang while I had no clear intention to leave my own life for him.
Hell, I am so happy to realize you are a bit like my lover, Flattened. Be my guiding light into his thoughts. And I will be yours, if I may. So, whenever you feel the urge to contact her, you are welcome to reach out and I will tell you where (or how) to get off
aolele, I often feel like I live in 2 parallel universes. One is ruled by my brain and one by my heart. My brain knows that xow is only protecting both of us with the things she does. She is protecting her heart and my marriage by not defining our relationship or letting either of us get into a comfort zone. This has allowed us to be together occasionally, but keeps us from getting back to that place we were nearly a year ago. In my mind I love her and want the best for her. I know there is no sustainable way for us to be together. On the other hand, my heart only feels and remembers the rejection and every perceived slight. My heart says we can work out a relationship that works for both of us. My heart just wants her to not be able to live without me. It is a constant battle to make sure the brain stays in control. She and I don’t talk about our sex lives outside of our relationship. That was her decision, but I was glad of it. We both only had one other partner, but mine was my spouse and hers was another married man. If she had been married, I don’t think sex with her husband would have bothered me nearly as much. The om was far away and she only saw him about 4 times a year, but I always perceived that she would choose him over me. She told me that he was not a threat to her emotional health like I was. I knew that he would always tell her that eventually he would leave his wife to be with her. She knew it was a lie, but I think she liked it anyway. The fact that I always told her the truth didn’t seem to count for much. I guess we all play these games to keep from admitting the truth about what we are doing or to try and be the one on top in the relationship for a little while anyway.
Wow, Aelole and Flattened -
For the first time ever, I feel like a light-weight in the world of affairs. Ours was very controlled and we sought to avoid ‘complexities’, but in doing so, my trust elevated to extreme levels. I thought he had my back.
We didn’t discuss the other person in our respective lives, and I’m glad. I think it creates jealousy and issues that perhaps shouldn’t exist. The affair was never about ‘them’.
Aeolele – you do sound as though you’ve got some serious pent up anger and rage, and I’m wondering if it was there before your affairs. And ‘wow’ about Mr. Big. That’s a lot of juggling. I don’t know how you do it.
My affair with a Mr. Big just ended, and if I ever walk down this road again, I’ll be looking for a human being. And sadly, yes, you should likely lump me into the ‘likely repeat offenders’ group. I really don’t see any other way out…
Angela,
I’ve always been a “passionate type”, but anger and rage were born only recently as the result of this very painful break-up. (Yesterday we gradually migrated with this discussion to the UOTI’s blog, so you might find some fresh perspective there).
Big and I are way beyond the proverbial level of being ex-lovers, so I couldn’t say I am “juggling” more than one affair. I haven’t seen him in over five years, but our presence in each other’s life is palpable, and will no doubt remain for the rest of our lives. Briefly chatted with him yesterday, he just popped up my screen to ask how I am and say he misses me. He is a lifeline in this current storm.
Big has always been there for me to reach out to, and I love him just the way he is. All in all, it was a beautiful story with a beautiful aftermath. Complete opposite to what I’m dealing with now.
Flattened
listen to what you said, you want to work out a relationship that works for both of you?? What! time for a bit of tough love my friend, sounds like you are still mired deep in the affair, you talk about compromise and working it out, you call her your xOW but it doesn’t sound very X to me. Please stop and really listen to what you are saying. Sorry buddy don’t mean to rain on the parade you know that, but you need to look hard at your actions and realise that they are not helping you focus on your wife and family but pulling you further into the fogs of affair land.
hope you don’t think i’m having a go at you, just coming from a concerned place dude…
UOTI, he doesn’t need to “focus” – he hasn’t been caught so far & is happily married… tut tut – lol
so far aolele, so far……
the longer these things go on the sloppier you get, the less careful you become. Affairs end and they never end well…..
Uoti,
You just nailed it. Yup – they do get sloppier (even the controlled ones) and it doesn’t seem they end well. If ever there was an affair I thought would end with mutual respect and friendship, I thought it was mine. Well, all in all, it ended with silence and no drama, but from an emotional perspective, no… it didn’t end well.
Angela, darling, wanna switch? Take my drama, and I’ll have your silence.
It’s a bitch, Aelole, an honest to god bitch. He slayed me. Destroyed me. It is belittling and horrid, and I am grappling with the kind of man he is. I knew it, but I felt special in his world. But I refuse to walk away with my self esteem shredded. I went into that relationship a whole person, and I will fucking leave a whole person.
I loved him, whole-heartedly, and accepted him as I’ve never accepted another human being. If I paused to feel deep emotion right now (I gave it my few weeks), I’d be a train-wreck. I won’t do that. No lover is worth it.
UOTI, That last post of mine was actually rooted more in the past than in the present if that makes any sense. I was speaking of things that were in the past as if they were things that were currently going on. I know its only been 3 weeks since I slept with her, but remember there was 2 months of zero contact before that and other than a friendly phone call earlier this week there have only been a couple of emails and they were merely conversational. I’m not kidding myself about being over her, but I’m further along the path than I have ever been. The fact that we work 50 feet from each other necessitates that we figure out some way to coexist. I still think about her alot, but I haven’t been desperate in some time. I know that there will be some days that I will feel that way, but as long as those times continue to be further apart then I think I am on the right track. My roller coaster is on the up swing at the moment, but I know that a downturn is always looming.
UOTI and aolele, a funny thing happened while I was away. I woke up one morning feeling a strong sense of remorse for what I had done. I have never felt any sort of remorse since at least the first couple of times that I was emotionally unfaithful. Pehaps that means I’m coming out of the fog a little. I still have strong feelings for the ow, but as I said earlier, I am no longer desperate for her. She and I both have relatively high profile positions and have to work together, so we have to work it out. I don’t believe this means I am out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel like I am in a better place than I have been in a long time. I am actually getting joy from things that I used to like doing, but had lost all interest in during my affair. Maybe I’m just in a good place today and tomorrow will come crashing down on me, but it feels good to be in a good place if only for a little while.
I don’t know what I’d do right now without this site and you guys. It is a peculiar support group and not one you find amongst family friends. I am so glad to know that all I’m feeling is normal. Married people are supposed to have the days and hours of gut-wrenching soul ripped out angst long behind them. Heck – I thought that was one of the benefits to marriage. But no, here we are, and there are hundreds of millions more like us across the globe.
Some of you talk about guilt, and yes, given the covenants of marriage, we should feel guilt. But the very institution of marriage goes against our human instincts. It is a bitch staying on the straight and narrow.
Some of you (TV too) beat yourselves up for being what you are: Human. I’ve done my share of that, too, but I think that I’m a realist. The system doesn’t work.
I’ve enjoyed (okay, poor choice of words, but you know what I mean) reading your comments on UOTI’s blog and wanted to chime in last night. Maybe it was too late. Maybe I was tired. I couldn’t figure out how to add a comment.
Thanks for being there, all of you.
Angela, I can’t count the number of times I have come here when it seemed like there was no where else to turn. You can get sympathy, advice, commiseration, a few laughs occasionally and a healthy dose of tough love when you need it. Plus it all comes from the only kind of people in the world who can truly understand what you are going through. And it is a bitch staying on the straight and narrow. Especially when it feels like a little strange nookie might make you forget about the xap for a little while.
I know what you’re saying, Flattened. I also feel like I’m fast on the track to be a repeat offender. I’m enjoying the advances of someone, and it’s helping numb the recent past. The only thing stopping me from diving in head first is my own image of myself. It would be oh so easy to tumble into something else, fresh on the heels of the last. I’m shocked that I’m even writing this, and I’d like every one of you to tell me why I should run for the hills and not engage this man in any way.
I must be wearing a scent. The ‘affair’ cologne. It must not take much for one to sniff out another. I wish to hell I could just dive back into marital sex with anything bordering on enthusiasm.
Angela, Interesting observation about the affair cologne. During my many years of marriage I had my share of advances by other women, but seldom more than one or two a year and they were always timid at best. Now at seems like I have “available for affair” tatooed on my forehead. I have a gorgeous young lady who is 15 years my junior driving me crazy. While physically she is much more attractive than the xow, I know she will never satisfy me emotionally like the xow did. Damn, did I really just say that? Next thing you know I’ll be starting my period.
Angela, If you are on UOTI’s blog you can scroll down to the bottom and click on comments, then either click reply at the end of a post if you want to reply to that particular post or scroll down to the bottom again to post a general comment to the thread.
Angela
please feel free to comment on my blog anytime you like, you are very welcome.
Affair cologne/perfume interesting thought and completely happening to me. Like Flattened in my many years of marriage I normally had one or two ladies try it on (even though I was a bit weighty I was still a good looking guy, if i do say so myself. since my affair i’m only ugly on the inside, on the outside well damn i’m ripped as….. lol) and most of the time they would just back off when they spotted the ring. since my affair it’s been like a switch has been flicked (or maybe I just notice it more?) and women have made some very firm advances, all seen politely off by an equally firm “not interested”, but they don’t seem to care that i’m married only that i’m not interested – WTF is that all about??
Flattened – lol!!
This is why meet-up support groups for people like us would be dangerous as hell. With all that cologne flying around, there might be interesting consequences.
I feel your pain. I do! Mine went up in flames about a year ago! I’m mostly over it, but the pain still lingers.
but among the lessons I drew? It’s quite amazing that while modern technology has made it SO easy to communicate with your illicit lover, it’s also made it SO easy to be caught.
I go caught. WE got caught. Both married. I had the most amazing relationship of my life going then BOOM, he found out. How??? He put a key-logger program on their PC – the kind that records EVERY keystroke you make – so when she wasn’t texting me on her phone, but using her secret email account of FB to contact me, for weeks, he read everything and of course had her log-in details.
We totally underestimated him. We figured we were safe with using secret phones, secret emails, changing passwords, using firefox to delete browsing history.
but it wasn’t enough. A shared computer is NEVER safe. Text messaging on a personal phone is not safe.
You have to find other ways. As much as I begged her to NOT change her behavior at home so much that he notices and gets curious, she apparently did. Early on. He was on to “us” probably within 4 weeks!
anyway, a word to the wise.
One word: ‘Yikes’.
Okay, I have a few more. I’m so sorry this happened to all of you. And as much as we all think we’re beating the system, we’re all a keystroke away from a bust. Most people on this site have gone down in flames, but your story is particularly sobering.
Electronics is a bitch. Wow!
I hope you’re moving past this. I don’t know how, though. Marriage after an illicit affair (as we all know) is tricky, at best.
I wish you all the best — and welcome to the site.
I’ve come here on and off, for medicine. Whenever I need that bad tasting medicine of reality, I come here. My “affair” was online, a fellow blogger, and it hit me out of the blue like a baseball bat. It started in Feb 09.
We both eventually left our marriages but not for each other. I would have been happy to continue our long distance friendship/attraction, but he struggled with it because it could never amount to anything but frustration. Our “relationship” was 90% friendship after the first 6-8 months of insatiable desire and contact. Mostly because of the frustration of not being able to take it further. He made that rule mostly. For a year and half we were friends that talked often, always being aware of the connection that could be set off at any minute.
He eventually took on a rebound girlfriend to pass the time and she found out about us this past August (how I don’t know, he may have told her). I have not talked to him since August now. I have sent a few messages asking him to confirm that he is never going to talk to me again – his reply “sucks that you take my choice and decision to mean the worst.” I don’t know if his decision is to be respectful to the present gf until he moves.
He’ll be moving away from the rebound gf in January. I feel, no – I know, I am waiting for him to move so that we talk again.
I. miss. my. friend. and I can’t tell if it’s really missing him or missing how I felt when we talked, like you all say – I felt alive and kicking.
If we’re both single and start talking in January, does that still make in an affair? Or two people who genuinely like each other?
I so want this to be more than an affair that I became addicted to…
Longing to be real,
Thanks for your comment. I like your analogy of this blog: “Bad tasting medicine.” So true! And the more distance I put between me and my affair (3+ years), the worse the taste becomes. The problem you’re having is described in the third to the last line of your comment: “I miss my friend.” That’s the hardest part, no matter what form an affair takes. One day they’re yours, the next day they aren’t. And when they’re gone, they’re gone all the way. Not just a little. So I know what you’re feeling. The solution? Hell if I know. I used to attempt answers on this question, but I realize it’s fruitless. We all suffer at our own rate, and we get over affairs in our own good time. Even now, more than three years after my affair ended, I miss the hell out of her. Not the sex we had, but her. Just her. I think about her less, but I still think about her. Maybe you’ll be luckier than most with the guy you’re missing.
Ah, man, TV – I desperately need to see you come on here one day and say, ‘Who? Who was she?’ Long pause… ‘Oh, that old thing….’
I go through phases. It has been three months since we split, and at times it feels like forever. I had to speak to him, three weeks ago, about a business matter. It was so odd to hear his voice. We were both reserved and respectful of boundaries, but the contact flooded me with memories again.
I started therapy for the first time in my life, just a couple of weeks ago. I came clean about all of it, in the first session, and strangely, she got it. She also warns me not to yet presume that he’s ‘done’, even though we have no contact.
I still don’t regret meeting him, and remain the eternal optimist that I always was. In that, I don’t mean that I’m optimistic we’d get back together (I no longer wish for that), but I do still feel that I learned a lot through him and the process… NOT that I’d recommend any of this to anyone.
Anyway, TV, I hope you’re doing well. Let me know when you no longer think of her. Hmm… will that ever happen?
Thanks TV, for your hopeful last statement, your response in general, and mostly for “One day they’re yours, the next day they aren’t. And when they’re gone, they’re gone all the way. Not just a little.”
Medicine. Good bad-tasting medicine :/
I’m gonna take my Eeyore heart and go lick my wounds some more. This too, shall pass.
tv….I was just wondering, …as I clicked on to your blog for offically the umpteenth time, did you ever see your site becoming as popular as it has??…
There is just nowhere else I can go with this. I have been on some angry “OW” sites as well as some very sad sites that cater to to the “codependent”. I have paid way too much to a lovely woman who is a certified therapist….who also couldn’t give me what I needed, the magic pill to kill this pain. No one can… the only comfort seems to come from others who have gone before me. Those (who’ve earned my respect) that can reassure me that it WILL get better, albeit never the same. That I WILL feel like rejoining the world at some point…and that maybe I will even get through an entire day without feeling suspended in some bizarre universe… where I am not continually asking myself…”wtf just happened?!??”
I digress. Thank you tv. This is a quite an ensemble of very interesting people who frequent your blog….and their comments and insights (as well as, of course, your own) have been of tremendous value to me.
So…in additon to all of the other success you have achieved- your voice has given so many of us who steered off the track a place to come and not feel alone. You done good my friend.
Never, I did not expect this blog to get as many visits as it has. On the one hand, it’s a compliment. On the other, it’s a sad testimony to the state of marriage today. I never thought I’d find myself in this category, but then again, who did?
There is one answer, and one answer only to the pain you’re feeling. You can save yourself a lot of trips to the therapist with this hard truth. Nothing in the world will make you feel better. You just have to suffer through it. That’s all. But time heals. I’m proof of that. Yes, I still think of you-know-who almost every day, but it doesn’t overwhelm me like it did a year or two ago. Think of your loss as the death of a friend. You cared deeply for that person, but now, they are lost to you forever. Too much people on this blog, including me, choose to focus on the “what ifs,” or waste time on blasting their ex-lovers. It’s a healthy outlet, but only for a while. If a person spends too much time thinking about what did or didn’t happen, it becomes a highly-destructive force in your life. It keeps you from moving forward. I don’t want to be lying on my death bed thinking how I wasted a decade of my life thinking about someone I can’t have. In my case, the reality is, my ex-lover is back with her husband, and fully! She’s a born again Christian who’s pregnant with their first child. (This is the first time I’ve announced that on my blog.) The only memories she’ll have of me now are the regrets of having an affair. It sucks.
Hang in there. This too shall pass. I swear it.
RE: My pregnant ex-lover.
Of course, 15 years from now, when her kid is smoking weed and her husband is a fat, bald fundamentalist who can’t get a hard on, she may decide I wasn’t so bad after all.
But I digress.
Wow, TV – I bite my tongue not to say to you “congratulations!” on the pregnancy news. Trust me, you’ve contributed to that pregnancy much more than you imagine. Ever since the break-up of my affair, getting pregnant has become quite an obsession for me as a means of moving on. Even though only a few months ago I could officially qualify as the leader of the childfree movement on the continent.
You are still ruling her life.
P.S. Do you mind shooting me an e-mail in private? It’s a different subject, but you might appreciate what I have to say.
Hey, TV,
I agree with you entirely. I’m moving past my affair in better ways than I thought. When it ended, for a few weeks I was so numb I could barely eat, but that too has passed. I think it’s been three months, now.
I don’t fault his choices and I wish him well. It was what it was and it’s over. Nothing can really end the pain except the two parties accepting that it is like a death – and I have certainly grieved it as one. I lost something that was lovely and beautiful to me, and a best friend in the process. I don’t fault that friend. He deserves to have a life without the stress of this following him always.
And so it goes. We move on, two changed people. I think of him, but never with bitterness. I want both of us to have the happiest and most successful lives possible. I simply never like to leave a negative mark on someone who was once dear to me.
I’m glad you’re moving on.
TV~ make NO mistake about it. As time goes on, your ex will NOT regret sharing in a passionate affair with you. As a matter of fact, long after her unborn child has grown up and moved on… and her husband goes bald AND hard of hearing… and grey hairs start sprouting out of his eyebrows and nostrils… and he has no interest whatsoever that the fly in his polyester pants is unzipped in public…the memories she will have of what you two shared will be what SUSTAINS her. I know this as I sure as I know anything! What you both felt was the real deal. Maybe not to live out for a lifetime, but most definitely to treasure and ponder for a lifetime. And she will…trust me on this.
Lisa, I do trust you on this. I appreciate those words. Needless to say, while I didn’t blog about it (I may at some point soon), her pregnancy was a crushing blow to me. There is so much finality to it. But again, I’m happy for her. It what she’s always wanted.
Angela, you definitely have a healthy attitude toward your ex. It’s the right attitude to have. Everything else is just poison that brings us down. I applaud you and wish you the best!
I envy your ex, tv – I know it’s sick to think this way, but I’d love nothing more than to e-mail the ultrasound picture of my future twins or triplets to my ex-lover and see how HE swallows the news. A nice reason to procreate, huh?
Oh shit. Never the same again – you gave me hope.
funny thing is TV, I bet when she found out she was pregnant~ one of the people she most wanted to tell….was you! Affairs that have ended are weird that way. For a brief time in our journey…we connect so deeply with someone, than without the luxury of falling out of love with them- have to part (usually abruptly and with great pain). That leaves us forever trying to become emotionally untangled. Bottom line-it sucks.
Angela…you inspire me. Really
Longing to be Real…I “talk the talk” now if I could only “walk the walk” (smile)
Thanks, TV and Longing,
I think that what helps me is my desire to know that I will only be looked back upon fondly, and as an enhancement – not a negative force. If I were to conduct myself in such a way as to give cause for him to question that I was every anything than what I presented myself to be, would be to do myself and him a disservice. I didn’t ever hope to be affected negatively by my affair, and while I grieved immensely (and still do, but in a healthier way and to a lesser extent) I can’t let it alter my family or who or what I am. If I were to wallow in it, it would cause insidious destruction to those I love. I won’t let that happen.
We enter into affairs hoping for one of two things: That they’ll either end gracefully, or under the disillusioned premise and hope that we’ll be able to live out the rest of our lives unscathed, without damaging our loved ones through discovery or severely altered behavior. Weirdly (and foolishly) I think I thought I’d fall into the latter group: That we’d always be friends, even if not lovers.
One thing’s for sure – we don’t enter into affairs, hoping for a sea of carnage and despair. I loved him with all of my heart, and if/when I bump into him again, it will be in the healthiest way and he will know I will always quietly have his back – from afar – as he has proved he has mine.
…. and he does have my back. When he covered for us (she didn’t really buy his story, but he didn’t unload and offer any details), he abruptly ended the affair and didn’t drag me, my family or my name through it. While it may have seemed cold and unloving, nothing could be farther from the truth. He spared me, and he didn’t have to. He also spared her the unpleasant knowledge of all that had gone down. Neither, he, she or I were completely destroyed in the process.
Much as it would have been nice to hear professions of undying love, he did the right thing and allowed me to begin the process of healing.
When we bump into each other (and we will), it will feel clean and correct, not sloppy.
Hey Angela…
I was wondering if I could ask you a question off TV’s blog? You seem so grounded and rational. I promise you I am not looking for a pen pal- just was curious about your thoughts on something. Our situations and subsequent break ups seem almost identical….I would love to hear what you have to say about some questions I have. I can be reached appropriately enough at: lostmyway123@yahoo.com.
Thanks…and thank YOU TV for allowing me to solicit on your blog (smile)
Hi Tv,
Fantastic blog.
I am happy to hear your life isn’t a living hell anymore and you’re finding peace.
I am curious to know whether you still think confessing to an affair is the wrong thing to do. I am facing that dilemma right now and I am torn about what to do.
I would be lying if I said it wouldn’t relieve some of the burden I am carrying after my affair; but that isn’t the main reason to confessing it; I love my husband and want to make things better and a part of me feels confessing is the only way forward.
We were having a major crisis in our marriage when I had the affair, we married very young and were each other’s first and didn’t have a clue of what we were doing! We were also going through another life changing situation, leaving a cult we’ve been part for our entire lives. I now understand that the affair was a way out.
Our marriage is now stronger and we really enjoy each other’s time and company. We travel, we laugh and we do things together; we’ve worked hard to get where we are now. But my dirty secret is still getting getting on the way.
Here is why:
I ended my affair about a year ago; but we have had contact since because he is part of our circle of friends.
We are not very close or anything like it anymore, but I feel a punch in my stomach and even anger when my innocent husband asks about him or wonders how he is doing or wants to give him a call or visit. I don’t want him to be fooled by me or the OM anymore. I don’t want him to ask about the OM or try to contact him as a friend. I have taken steps to avoid the OM but it’s just doesn’t seem enough.
I am rambling now, but I wanted to hear your thoughts after what you went through and still are going through.
For the record, the OM and I ended in okay terms, and he promised to never, ever tell anyone.
I look forward to your reply or to the reply of others.
My heart flutters constantly with anxiety over what to do.
Mrs. Trouble, thanks for your comment. I see you’ve raised my favorite question: To tell or not to tell. Please know that no matter what I say, there are thousands of people who disagree with me on this, and I don’t dismiss their arguments. It’s a tricky, tricky question, as you know.
I understand what you’re saying about the uncomfortable feeling you get when your husband speaks to your ex. Your husband is innocent. He has no idea he’s talking to a man who has invaded his personal life in the worst way. In that sense, you’re making a fool out of your husband, just as I made a fool out my wife who believed in me and trusted me. Your point is 100% valid.
However, you need to know that if you tell your husband, your marriage will never be the same. That’s a fact. There are those who argue your marriage will be stronger in the long run, because you’ve proven to your spouse that no secret is too great to share, but I believe the people who say that are also full of shit. Or…they’re deluding themselves. The fact is, no matter how strong or wonderful or exceptional or forgiving your spouse is, their entire outlook on life will change the minute you tell them. AND — no matter how well you think you know your spouse, no one can predict what their spouse will do when they learn their wife or husband has betrayed them. I’m not implying that your husband will go crazy and go on a shooting rampage. (Though it happens.) Worst case scenario, he’ll decide to divorce you, and you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting your decision to tell. Another scenario that’s just as bad is that your husband will become a broken man who questions his self-worth. This describes my wife. She is a totally different person these days. Yes, she has “forgiven” me, but she’s not the same person I married, and never will be. My children describe her as “damaged goods,” and for that, they have me to thank. And know this, no matter how many years pass, you will always be the adulterer of the family. Your children will find out. Your relatives will find out. Your friends and co-workers MAY found out, depending. Plus, by making the decision to tell your husband, you are also deciding to tell your ex-lover’s wife and his family. Don’t think the affair will remain a secret to them. In the end, everyone finds out. That means the circle of friends you have now, the one that includes your ex-lover, will be destroyed. You and your ex will the subject of rumors and idle gossip. Everything in your life, and your family’s life, will change. And for what? Because you couldn’t carry the burden of your own secret?
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe other married couples “get through it” just fine. But are you willing to pull that trigger to find out? If so, take a good look at your husband before you do, because he will NEVER, EVER be the same after you do.
Good luck. Choose wisely.
Good response, TV.
Trouble, your reasons for wishing to tell are to assauge your guilt, but you will still feel the guilt – but it will be worse. You not only be an adultress, but you’ll be an adultress who fooled around with someone in your own circle of friends.
You should roll over to UOTI’s blog and take a look. He used to post here, but has told his tragic tale in his own blog. He didn’t tell his wife, but she found out. His wife is destroyed and has made serious attempts to take her own life. Yes, this stuff really happens.
I’m seeing my first therapist ever (a certifiable shrink) and she is absolutely of the ‘don’t tell’ philosophy. She’s seen both sides, and would far rather deal with a patient who is carrying guilt vs. the broken shells of humans who find their way onto her couch after their worlds have been crushed.
You’ve made your bed and you’re lying in it, but it would be far worse if your entire world crumbled around you. And don’t presume that it won’t – it will.
You made a deal with your ex-lover, not to ever tear down the lives of the other. You owe that much to him, and more specifically, his wife and children. You’d be far better off to have a clear and direct conversation with him and ask him to be less available to your own family, and eventually fade away.
And other than that one conversation with him, ensure that always (absolutely always) you keep things on the level with him and view him as a friend, not lover. Erase that part of your memories of him, and know that in all likelihood you have a true friend there who will also watch your own back.
If you two remain quiet, this thing will fade farther into the background. You won’t get past what you’ve done, but it will be infinitely worse if you do try to assauge your guilt. Nothing can erase this, but it can become a whole lot worse.
Thank you both. Your replies come a bit late. I pulled the trigger last night and I am having horrible panick attacks.
You are assuming the OM was married and with kids – wrong. Had that been the case I wouldn’t consider telling. Not when kids are involved. However hard the burden was to carry.
My husband and I are each other’s first love. We are in our mid twenties.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. I am devastated. He is devastated. There is so much to lose. If I only knew what to do to put the pieces back together. I feel like my heart is fully exposed and throbbing outside my body. I can’t imagine how he must be feeling and it hurts me that I hurt him so badly.
I still don’t know if I did the wrong thing. I just hope, I only hope we can get through this somehow.
I didn’t want him to find out any other way, I didn’t trust this OM as much as I tried. He was very possesive and tried to blackmail me before.
We have broken away from our past circle of friends, that were part of the cult we left. He was the part remaining from it.
I want us to heal. Is that possible? Please give me hope, I am at the brink of losing my sanity and have been since carrying this huge secret with me.
Nobody else knows about the affair and it will be my husband’s choice to tell or not. What can I do to ease his pain. I just love him so much, so deeply. He is the one I love, the one I chose. I made a terrible choice, do you think a man can forgive his woman?
Hey, Trouble -
You did what was right for you and there’s no going back. I’m relieved that the other guy isn’t married. That certainly helps in your decision.
It’s so tough to know where this will go, and only time will tell. You are both young and from your post above, it doesn’t seem that you have any children. That’s also a relief. When you add in kids, you also open yourself to being accused of destroying a family unit.
You’ve got some tough and interesting days ahead, but you’ll get through them somehow. I hope for your sake that you can pull things together, but if not, remember that you are both young and you’ve been through a lot with this cult. It sounds to me that you were both born into it (your parents were members?) and that you are also both learning to make your way in the real world.
I wish you all the very best. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve it. And by the way – all given – none of it is surprising. Take care of him, but take care of your own heart, too.
Mrs. Trouble, I agree with Angela’s comment. You did what was right for you. I will admit, the majority of my wife’s anger was not due to the fact that I cheated, but that I lied my ass off in the aftermath. In that sense, you’ve done the right thing by “coming clean” with your husband. Also, I didn’t realize when I wrote my first response to your question that your ex-lover has blackmailed you in the past. That changes things completely. By telling your hubby, you’ve taken the power away from that scumbag.
Just know this: Whatever hell your husband dishes out these next few months (or years), hang in there. The storm will pass. If your marriage survives (and there’s no guarantee it will), you’ll be a stronger person that you ever imagined you could be.
I agree with TV. The blackmail thing is just ugly, and I can certainly see how that would hang over your head. I don’t live with that fear. My ex-AP had my back when he cut us clean. His final words to me were that he didn’t want it to ever come back to haunt us or destroy our lives. He worried that if we continued it would affect my children. He was already under suspicion, but he was man enough to seek to protect me. That bastard you were involved with was no friend to you, and it seems that he took serious enjoyment from the continued interaction.
Good luck with it all, and remember that while you have numbing days ahead, the shock right now will surely pass, and with luck, your husband will keep it under wraps.
I’d suggest joint counseling, given the cult past and all of this.
Hi Angela and TVexplorer,
Your words mean so much to me at this time.
You can imagine how things are at home. I can’t stop crying, I can’t concentrate at work. I feel like I don’t want to live anymore.
Was it right telling him? I am now going over and over it again. I know I didn’t want any more deception. We were both bornt into the cult and we never had the freedom to decide for ourselves or to find out the ‘truth’ about things, about what was outside. I came out first and got my husband to open his eyes; all of this was happening when I got involved with the OM; I wanted to help him to get out too. There isn’t a excuse for my behaviour and this torture is what I deserve but my husband doesn’t.
We grew apart for a while and the OM seemed to fill the void in me; my new found freedom into ‘normal’ life was tough. He seemed to care, to listen and told me he loved me. It wasn’t physical for many months, it was an emotional bond that grew out of control and you know the rest.
I told the truth because after coming out of the cult my husband has always said he would rather the whole truth than living in a bubble ever again. I couldn’t look into his eyes the way I used to although I am in love with him. I didn’t want him to be fooled by me or the OM. I tried so much to get him out of our lives but he kept coming back, stalking me and making me think he was going to take his life. And so I needed my husband to know. I don’t want the OM to ever have my back – whatever he promised he can keep to himself. I want my husband to have my back, the way it should have been.
I feel broken. There is nothing more in this life I want but his forgiveness however long it takes. Maybe I am being naive, maybe there is no putting things back together after a storm like this; but right now hope is the only thing keeping me sane.
I wanted to come clean earlier, but we were shocked by my little brother in law being diagnosed with terminal cancer after I ended the affair. I decided to keep it together and support my husband and be a carer for my little brother in law. It never seemed appropiate to tell him. He died 3 months ago at 20 years old. It has changed our lives, it turned our worlds around. He loved his brother and I loved him too like my own little one.
I hate having to cause more pain
I don’t know how to continue with my life. I am hurting in every way. I can’t get up. I can’t eat. I feel I’d much rather be death than go through this.
I need help but I don’t feel I deserve it. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I screwed up so badly.
No, Trouble, you didn’t. You reached out and you sought understanding and compassion after growing up in a dysfunctional setting. Nobody could blame you for what you’ve done or where you have been. You are more painfully human than you can possibly understand right now, but a horrible person you are not. You are filled with love and compassion, and you have suffered through many things. Few of us here can hold a candle to where you’ve been. Add to that that your husband is your first love, and it’s not unnatural that you sought the flesh of another man.
Please, I implore you to go to your doctor or a counselor. Please don’t carry this burden alone. You’ve been through the death of a loved one, the death of an affair, emotional betrayal and blackmailing by your ex-AP (who is also suffering withdrawal from a life that is foreign to anyone who has never been in a cult) and now you’re suffering the consequences of your honesty.
There is no knowing where you and your husband will land. You are so young and you have so much of your life ahead. Most people are out sleeping around and hanging out in bars at your age. You grew up fast – likely far too fast.
I am sending you a virtual hug from across the miles. I don’t have a religious bone in my body, or I’d say a prayer for you. Instead I’m simply sending you the most positive vibes and understanding imaginable.
And Trouble, a large part of me wants to suggest that you have your husband read your posts. They are so true and honest and from the heart.
Hi Angela,
At times like this, I wish I could believe in something, whatever so I could pray to it. But I don’t. I fell out of love with god and religion and there is nothing there. That was suffering of another kind.
I appreciate your posts. The truth is, that I don’t feel I deserve any relief. Even posting here feels wrong.
I could do with a hug. With any type of touch and contact. My family is across the ocean. I work from home so I don’t see anyone. I am desperate.
I go to bed crying and I wake up in tears – that’s if I catch any sleep. I literally can’t swallow and somehow I feel like one of those religious folks that believe torture is good.
My husband hasn’t talked to me. He doesn’t want to talk to me or see me. I despise myself and I understand he does too. But I still wish he would ask questions or unburden his heart or tell me how much he hates me.
He sent a text to me last night saying that he thought our love could endure anything, until this, that scared him to death but he couldn’t see a way out. I asked him to talk to me, but he refused. I don’t see him or hear his voice. I’ve been shut out completely. I want to help him heal even if it means he wants to move forward without me.
I feel so vulnerable. So raw. So exposed. How can I go on? How can I ask for his forgiveness? I love him deeply and I never want to part ways.
Will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever feel a sense or normality again? I thought I could do this, but maybe I just can’t.
Mrs T
please reach out to a counsellor (I’ve had some bad experiences with them but the right one will make a massive difference! we found one eventually and it transformed us.) also know that you are not alone, not now not ever, your situation is sadly not unique so there are quite a few of us floating about to whom you can ask advice and share experience, but they will also tell that this initial rollercoaster of emotion will settle, time really does help and your husband will eventually reach out and talk to you about it. Use this time to prepare for the inevitable barrage of questions that will come from him. Don’t be afraid to be honest and be honest, don’t fudge facts or hedge – TV will back me up on this tell the truth now and always, if he has questions answer them honestly, he doesn’t need a play by play account but he does need the truth. Try to be calm.
I wish you well
UOTI
Hi UOTI,
Thanks for your kind words.
The logical part of me tells me that this too shall pass and whatever the outcome is, I will recover. I will somehow make it through. But those thoughts are just so brief.
I am hyperventilating every few hours and feel like I am going to pass out. How can I practice calmness? It all feels like chaos. Caused by me and I surely deserve it.
What if he doesn’t ever want to talk or ask anything? I just keep replying all this over and over and over again.
Are you working towards saving your marriage? What was the most difficult part? Do you still feel overwhelmed with emotions? Do you ever look into their eyes and see the person you love, loving you back? Does the wound heal and the scar fades into the background? Or is it always there, throbbing with pain? Is it a massive scar that takes over all your body and you can’t never miss it, not for a day?
I thought about seeing a counselor after reading Angela’s post and now yours. I can’t go without him though, it would feel selfish and undeserved to speak about my troubles when he is in so much pain.
I meant “replaying”
Mrs T
take a deep breath, then another, then one more. You need to focus on what you can do once you and your husband are into dialogue and get talking, however from a MPOV he’ll need to blow off steam and vent a little before he can get to that point, you will have to give him time, therefore it is to a large extent out of your hands, use the time wisely by perhaps arranging a counsellor for when he’s ready, see a doctor to perhaps prescribe some meds to prevent you going off the deep end and hyperventilating every few. Your husband still needs you to be asking to talk, he needs to know that you are wanting to work on the marriage but don’t get too despondant yet by a lack of reply.
My story is a little long and complicated to bogart poor TV’s blog as I have done in the past, so feel free to take a look at my blog. I do warn you it is quite scary in places, but know that my wife and I are in a better place now than the first few frantic days following our dday. Yes there is a long way to go but……..
Hi UOTI,
I am reading your blog. It is so dark in a lot of ways. Not sure if that helps me right now. It scares me to death that everyone keeps saying it changes you and your relationship forever but with sad undertones. No hope. No happiness after the storm. Is that all we have to look forward to? I don’t want to let him go, but is it worth it putting him through that level of pain for the rest of his life? Am I better out of his way? I don’t deserve him.
Even when I was with the OM, I loved my husband. The OM knew it and made him angry and a lot of times nasty. I wanted my husband to notice me, to see the bond I was creating with someone else. We were like good roommates, as cliched as it sounds. “Respecting” each other as well as we could. Cooking. Getting through the day without saying hurtful things, talking the necessary and watching a DVD together. We have never been argumentative or nasty to each other.
I am giving him time. There is very little I can do. Just like you describe it , I feel like I am “walking around like I am made out of glass, I feel brittle, transparent”.
I called a counsellor. Apparently they recommend seeing each other separately first for relationship issues. After a while they can see us together. What are your thoughts on that? Does it really help?
I wish I could go to my doctor. But what am I supposed to say? I need some pills to calm my nerves? To stop going insane? My GP will need a reason and I cannot tell. Besides, given the worthless woman I feel I am now, it wouldn’t take much to decide to go to sleep and never wake up. It sounds so dramatic but I already feel so death inside. So worthless. I’m nothing and even with that I can cause so much pain to the one I promised to honour and love.
I hate myself so much and so deeply.
sorry that my blog has scared you and it probably isn’t what you want or need to hear right now, I do tend to write darkly i’m afraid. What I will say though is that there is hope, throughout all the darkness that came our way, I didn’t deviate from my desire to be with my wife and to rebuild our life together. Yes we have been through some awful trials and at times what felt like insurmountable problems including as you feel right now the desire to lay down and never wake up. What i will say to you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel and while it will often seem like the headlights of the oncoming train it is in fact a sliver of daylight. This dark night will end and you will make it through. You will be changed there is no doubt about that i’m afraid as will your husband, there will be a lot of hard work ahead and yes pain too but and there is a but at the end of this, it does not have to be the end of you as a person or as a couple. There is happiness at times in my household, certainly more than there was even a month ago and each month that goes by it gets a little lighter. The counsellor is right, talk to them, get your house in order and then you can look at a bigger picture…
I still hate what I have done and I hate big chunks about myself hence the name of my blog, but at the same time that hatred has driven me to change things about me it has driven me to change and improve – to give back, to be a better husband, a more engaged father and strive to be a better human being altogether. One of my regular commenters Angela has tagged aname change for me to BOTI (beautiful on the inside) and although I don’t think I’m there yet I certainly strive to be. You too can get to this point, but (again with the but) there is a long ways to go and work ahead….
feel free to comment on my blog anytime.
UOTI
I think I will call you BOTI. I agree with Angela. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my messages. You have made my tears flow again, but it is good; thanks for reassuring that there is a light at the end of all this. I can’t see it right now, but I am hoping for it.
I have changed. I have changed since I left the cult, since I saw my little brother in law take his last breaths and his lifeless beautiful body lying in the bed. I have changed, I am not the childish, selfish and innocent woman I was. I have experienced pain and despair at the hardest level; I want to be better. I want to give and help.
**Interrupted**
OM just tried to ring me. WTF! I don’t know why… I picked up the phone and asked him once again to never contact me again, to stop it; I am as short and straight forward as I can. Why isn’t my message clear? He leaves it for months and then he tries to reappear.
Just be firm with no contact, do not let this man back into your life in anyway, he sounds like an awful piece of work and you’re better off with him out of your life – period! Your husband will insist on it, quite rightly and you most certainly will benefit from breaking free of any influence good or bad that this “man” can exert over you. If you feel it’s necessary inform him that he no longer has any hold over you and that you have told your husband everything then put the phone down.
you have experienced great pain in your life and you will need to draw on the experience of that pain and the experiences of those here and on other similar blogs if you are to see it through with your husband, stay strong and focused – hold true to the fact that you can make it through, you need to make sure you’re husband believes the same.
Thanks boti. Your latest post has made a huge impact on me, today, this minute. Your last paragraph about staying strong and focused, to hold to the fact I (or we) can make it through.
I do not want this man near me or my husband. I have insisted and done all I can. Unlike others, I am not suffering from withdrawal symptoms. I don’t love him. I realised a long time ago it was all a fantasy. I cut him off, went through hell but I have recovered from that. I don’t desire him or dwell on any memories with him. I didn’t tell him my husband knew because I don’t know if my husband would like me to. Maybe he wants to do it himself and feel he has control over that; I don’t know. What I did was to put the phone down and I rang my husband to tell him about it.
Thanks for being so understanding and kind with your words.
I read all your blog boti. Thanks so much for sharing in such a honest way.
I too had an affair with a ‘friend’ and he continues to stay in touch with my hubbie. In fact, they are going to a hockey game together this weekend…ugh! I HATE IT! So, I completely understand your desire to come clean. But, I am going to take the advice that was recently posted here to keep it a secret.
I have read so many helpful blogs on the subject of affairs. This (tvexplorer) being my first and one of my favorites. Understanding the married man’s perspective has given me a ton of insight into what my xAP may be going through.
He, like your OM, called me yesterday. I ended it with a text that read, ‘Its best if we don’t talk.’ Short simple and to the point. And so damn hard to do. I’m still getting over him. But I’m committed to have no contact and thanks to all of you bloggers, I don’t feel so alone in that journey. Thank you.
I agree with BOTI. You do need to go to your doctor, and you can lie to your doctor about the reason for requiring medication. I did. You can blame the death you have suffered, withdrawal from the cult – any number of things. Quite simply, you can say that you have been dealing with exceptional circumstances and that you are suffering from extreme anxiety and that you feel that you would benefit, temporarily, from anti-anxiety meds. It will help – trust me. And there is no shame in feeling that it is all too much. It is all too much. The sky has fallen, and any normal human would be feeling much as you are right now.
Deep breaths, and make that trip. In all probability, the doctor will take one look at you and realize that without question, you need some temporary help.
As for your marriage – there is no knowing where it will land. But you did what is right for you, and fortunately you don’t have any children. I suspect that the divorce rate is higher for people who don’t have children, in the aftermath of a revealed affair. Your age may also influence things. You both have many child-rearing years ahead.
So given these facts, you need to take a serious stab at saving this marriage, if this is what you truly desire. It seems that you were in a blase situation when you got involved with the OM. You were also dealing with serious illness, and then death. The therapist I’ve been working with has cited both of these things as being enormous factors in affairs – and I was also dealing with similar circumstances to yours.
Right now the world seems scary to you. You fear going it alone. You fear the future with a husband who may well hold this over you. But he may also have been through enough shared experiences with you that he is willing to get past this, and understand that you acted out in response to the various stressors in your life. But don’t ever use that as an excuse.
You need to tell him all the things you have told us here. How it played out. How you have been thrilled with your marriage, but that this has been hanging over you, and that you are painfully human and have learned what you DON’T ever want to be, again.
He is hurting. He lost his brother and he is feeling betrayed. You both need time to heal, to see your doctors and a counselor.
For some reason your story pains me as much as BOTI’s. You are both gentle, kind people, and filled with empathy and deep love and care for your partners. I am glad you’ve connected here, with him.
And Trouble, I want you to do something. I want you to look to the future. How will you feel in a week? A month? Six months? A year? Find a number that works for you and look toward it, knowing that by that point in time that no matter what has transpired, you’ll be in a better place.
And remember – EVEN if this marriage doesn’t work out, you will both be stronger and wiser. Most people have many relationships as a testing ground, before they enter into such a serious and committed situation. Don’t overly judge or beat yourself up. Just look to the future with a positive eye, knowing that wherever you land, it will be better than here on this day at this time. The future is bright – you just have to see past tomorrow.
Hi Angela,
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement.
The problem with visualizing any future is that I can’t imagine a future without my husband. I refuse to do it even when I know the scary possibility that it may wel be the case. I don’t deserve his forgiveness or compassion or his love.
You are absolutely right. I know what I don’t want to be, EVER; I knew it back then and now my ‘learning’ has caused so much pain and despair.
I will probably need to go and see my doctor. I am dreading it but I don’t think I can hang on to my sanity without a few pills. I think I have always had a loose end in my head. My husband used to tease me about that, given my family’s behaviour.
He spoke to me last night. He broke down and asked some questions. It was so tought and devastating to see him carry so much pain, so much hurt. He said something that struck me to the core “I just love you too much”. I love him so deeply and I wish with all my heart he will give me the opportunity to show him that. I’d give up my life if he wanted; I would, without hesitation, but right now anything I say it’s like a lot of BS to him.
How do you recognise a good counselor? Before I was intimate with OM, we saw one, but obviously she wasn’t of much help. She blamed him for a lot of things and I felt justified to carry on and it just made things worse. I suggested to my husband we see another one but he doesn’t want to. I don’t want to overwhelm him even more, but I want to help him. This burden I inflicted on him is too much.
I am scared.
Mrs T
Our first counsellor blamed my wife as well!! seriously WTF!?! nope, no, nicht, nein, non, niet, no way jose. I know that there were problems in my marriage but it was my fault that I addressed them in such an inappropriate way. I understand why your husband doesn’t want to see one, he will in time but he’s not there yet. Very, very early days yet Mrs T just keep talking.
I just can’t stop crying. I can’t and it is physically exhausting. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel so much pain? So much darkness? Futility? To want to work it out but at the same time a way out whatever way it comes? There is so much loneliness, so much hurt, so much anxiety, a big void, unworthy. It’s horrific.
totally normal, you are feeling remorse and guilt for the pain you have caused, that is a good thing because it means you actually care, take comfort that you feel these things, numbness may be easier but it detaches you from the situation and means that you cannot convey to your husband the importance of your marriage to you. I also used hatred (for xAP) as a shield for my feelings and that too is a short term technique t regain some balance
Mrs T, darling – I am so sorry to hear that. Please rest assured that you have our full support in this anonymous underworld of sinners. We understand what you are going through, you are definitely not alone. Please hang in there, OK? I’ve been reading your exchange with Angela and UOTI but didn’t chime in so far. Affairs hurt everyone inside and around them, it’s like a nuclear bomb exploding – so much pain, and it just doesn’t want to go away. I am about half a year out of mine, and the pain is as fresh as on day one. Not very reassuring, I know – but it is OK to feel unhappy at times and you just learn to live with it. You are in the darkest place right now, so the only way is up – be strong and don’t give up.
I totally agree with UOTI on the hate-shield technique – it works like magic, but for now your priority is not purging the xAP from your mind, but getting your marriage back on track. So concentrate on that and I believe everything will be fine eventually. Just give it time.
Hi both,
It is difficult to take comfort in pain. But I guess boti is right. I know that if I didn’t love him or cared and I didn’t want to work this through I would be walking out of the door, step out of this nightmare. But I love him so much that I cannot see that as an option. I cry and I cry and I hope it will eventually stop.
It sounds all so dramatic, doesn’t it? It is almost funny.
Aolele – is your pain related at all to any feelings you may still have for your xAP? Did you make the choice to leave him?
I wish I could hate the selfish bastard. But I think all I feel for him is indifference. I just don’t want him in our lives. I haven’t felt ‘in love’ with him for a year or more; I had an epiphany one day, woke up from my fantasy and did all the hard work to shake him off. I did suffer, I won’t lie, but I am so over it! The last year with my husband has been one of the toughest dealing with his brother’s terminal cancer, but also one of the most wonderful. We were free from the cult, we supported each other, we were talking and doing things together, our intimacy was the best since we got married; I put so much work and so did he. Is it all out of the window? Does my dishonesty cancel all that?
I don’t want the pain to stay fresh with us forever. I want the wounds to heal. I want us to be happy, to raise a family together, to grow old together.
I guess time will tell. But I am not leaving.
Question. What do you think about all those e-books? Are they helpful? What about this blog: http://surviving-the-affair.com/ is it genuine? It seems to have some sort of commission program running. Is it fake?
You need to tell him all of that, and to make sure he knows that the ONLY reason you told him is that you can move forward with no secrets and a clean slate.
I differ from Aelole and BOTI on the ‘hate shield’ stuff. Hate is a powerful emotion… and hate implies deep feelings… and possible love. Your indifference toward your ex-AP sounds healthy and positive. Anything more would imply that you are not ready to move on with your life – and you are.
I don’t typically hate anyone, and I certainly have never hated an ex-lover or ex-BF. Your ex-AP is also hurting – hence his own feelings of confusion and emotional blackmail. Both of these men are the same people that you welcomed into your life, and all three of you are reacting to your unique set of circumstances.
The crying will stop. The harshness of the deep visceral pain you are feeling will soften. And you will be changed.
If your husband could see your posts on this board he would likely believe you, as we all do. I’d NEVER suggest that someone direct a spouse to their online comments, and I don’t know if that’s the correct thing – but what you’ve voiced here is so honest and true. I doubt you’ll show him this board, but when you do finally talk to him at greater length, hopefully he will be able to trust in the honesty of your words.
Have you tried to email him? Articulated all that you’re feeling in a letter? He would be able to read and reread, when he’s feeling better, and there would be no space for interruption or heightened emotional responses.
I’m wondering who he’s told. Does he have a close male friend that he would have confided in? Where is he staying? Likely he’s not alone. Would you be able to communicate with whomever he’s with?
Mrs. Trouble, I know you’re looking for fast and immediate relief, but trust me when I say, therapy –while a good start– won’t solve your long-term problem, which is getting your husband to trust you again. I’ve been to many therapists. I’ve even enjoyed a few. But at the end of the day, they are just paid professionals who don’t fully know what you’re going through. (Not unless they’ve had affairs themselves which, of course, they won’t tell you.) Post-affair life is a process that takes time. It’s ugly at times, but it must play out. Give therapy a try. Who knows? It may work. And if nothing else, it’s good for your husband to see that your serious about fixing whatever’s wrong with you.
As far as those formal adultery survival websites go, they tend to be full of marital do-gooders who spout the same tired shit you find in self-help books. There’s nothing I hate more than a person who sees their affair as “the worst mistake of their life.” Yes, affairs have terrible consequences, but at the time we did it, we did it for a reason. For a feeling. Or to fill a void. We are only human. Things happen. It’s okay to be sorry for what we’ve done, but some of the people on those infidelity sites make adultery sound like a mental illness. Screw them.
Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Hi Angela,
Thanks for your response. I have been waiting for it.
I get it that the OM is confused and feels lonely, but I doubt he is the same person I dreamed he was. It’s been a year or more now since I ended it. I know he has seen a counsellor. Why can’t he just leave me alone? Yesterday, I asked my husband why hasn’t he told him to f.. off that he knows everything and that he doesn’t want him near us. He just told me that he didn’t want me to have any contact with him again. Well the fact is that I do not want, wish or desire to have any contact AT ALL. It actually is a relief that my husband knows. If he tries to get in touch with me, yet again, my husband can pick up the phone.
I am waiting for that minute when the pain isn’t as visceral. My heart just flutters, and when it beats, it’s more like a excruciating pain across my chest. I will have to trust you on that one because right now it seems endless.
It is very unlikely I will show my husband my posts, they may hurt him and I really wouldn’t like to take any risks at all at this point. I may just collapse and literally die.
There is nothing I wish more than to regain his trust. I would work my a.ss off to prove myself trustworthy again. However long it takes. I am as stubborn as a mule.
I have been creating these postcards with my limited Photoshop skills and writing messages to him every day. I put a picture of us and I say I am sorry every day. I text him to tell him I am thinking of him, that I miss him and that I am deeply sorry for all the pain I have brought into his life.
I have been writing letters to him too. Every day. About information I have read on the net, about how I feel, what I did during the day, and more importantly about how much I adore him and how madly in love I am with him. I leave them by the window. He is still staying home in another bedroom but I make his bed every morning and the envelopes are still unopened. I catch a glimpse of him sometimes and those moments are the ‘happy’ moments of my day. Feeling his presence and his scent. I adore the man, damn it! I feel in love with him all over again this last year with butterflies and all. The new me.
I guess there were 3 Mrs Trouble over the last 10 years I have known him. Here it goes:
——————————————————————————-
Mrs Trouble I – the childish, perfectionist, selfish, insecure, innocent and uncorrupted girl that fell in love and married the man in the fairy tale wedding with the fairy tale dreams, the girl that despised adultery because I saw how it destroyed my family. The girl that always did the right things: in school, at home, in the religious cult; the girl that tried to please everyone all the time.
Mrs Trouble II – the woman that started to make her way out of a cult, that realised the world wasn’t what I believed. Not everybody was condemned to death, those were news! I could play, laugh and have friends. My moral values were shaken to their core but I also learnt compassion and what love really means. The woman that left spirituality behind and found truth and science and knowledge. The woman who had an affair, ended it and fell in love with her husband all over again.
Mrs Trouble III – this one today, appalling, despicable, cheating, hurtful, dishonest, liar ME. Not even half the woman I have tried to be.
———————————————————————————-
Unfortunately, he doesn’t have many friends. He grew up in a very limited setting. His parents aren’t very social and being in a cult didn’t help. His whole life acquaintances were cut off once we left, they could see us walking by and cross the street so they don’t need to wave a hello. So, in that way, he is alone. Alone as I am, but he is the one that doesn’t deserve it. I broke our bond and trust and I hate he has to pay for it. If only I had some special powers…….
I agree with everything TV has written, and I do agree that your ex-AP is despicable. But stick with indifference, and block his phone number(s). You can also block him from email. If he ever comes to your home, have your husband tell him he’ll get a restraining order.
Okay, I’m glad your husband is in your home with you. You can see that he’s there, healthy and alive.
Strangely, there is so much beauty in your story. You had a so-so marriage, to the point that you sought counseling… you had an affair… and through all of this you have learned. The love you feel for him now is pure and true. It didn’t come in the wake of your revelation. Rather, it stemmed from your realization that everything you want in a man exists in your husband. You sought the arms of another, only to come back into the fold of your marriage, more powerful than you were before, and with more love and passion than you thought was possible. Few people ever feel this, ten years into a relationship.
He needs to know this. He needs to understand this. He needs to see/hear these words you have shared with us. Few people who have had affairs (women in particular, it seems) ever feel that sort of passion for their husbands again. Men seem to do it better – to separate sex and love. It is enlightening for me to read your words, and to understand that true, passionate love can exist in a marriage after a woman has strayed.
Hang in there. Just hang in there, Trouble. You will get through it.
Hi TV,
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I hope you don’t mind my long posts here.
To your point. I would love some immediate relief (this shall pass faster), but that is not really what I am looking for. I am looking for hope. Something to look forward to, however long the journey is. We all want to be happy, I want to believe I can still be happy.
I just ordered like 10 of those self help books (never read one before, I have never been a fan, I was so confident you see, why would I need them?). But it seems like I always read your posts a bit too late and they are on their way! Some of those books are recommended in forums by people dealing with affairs – or so they say. I will give them a read, maybe he will pick up one. I just want him to feel loved and that he is not alone in what he is feeling.
If he agrees to therapy I will give it a try. I don’t know if I would go without him. It’d feel selfish. What is the best piece of learning you got from therapy? Anything outstanding you’d care to share?
Right now TV, I must confess I am one of those people you hate the most. I think my affair has been the worst choice I have ever made. I don’t condemn others, who am I to do that? Everyone has to fight their own demons and find fulfillment and happiness in life. But for me, I wish I hadn’t done it, it wasn’t worth it. I wish I had handled my shortcomings and neediness in a different and more mature way. I wish I could have screamed harder at my husband for attention, for communication, for love. I wish I had said “Look, I am finding another man attractive, I don’t want to cheat on you, please help me, help us”. I didn’t. I made a choice I deeply regret, for me it never really felt right, even at the height of the affair. I may feel different with time, I don’t know. Things happen and as Angela said: there is no going back.
Hi Angela,
Done. Done. Done. I did that a while back. His phone number was gone so I wouldn’t feel tempted to text in my depressed days. In the stalking days I suggested I may take stronger actions but he threatened me and insulted me and I backed off. The only thing remaining was Facebook. What an impact that silly social media tool has made in all of this. I just wanted the OM off my Facebook and my husband’s! (quitting Facebook wasn’t an option). And you know what, as soon as I confessed he was deleted, blocked, gone. I don’t know why, but my husband is still his ‘friend’ on it. It didn’t do what I wanted at the end. You know what? this has been the first time I laugh in a while, it’s so ridiculous.
Angela, you are too kind in labeling my story with the word ‘beauty’. Maybe if this was a soap opera or a Jane Austen book I could have my happy ending guaranteed.
One thing you got absolutely right. The love I feel for my husband now is pure and true but maybe I have added a stain that will never wash away.
I tell him every day about how much in love I am with him, I will keep telling him even if he asks me to shut up. Do you know that feeling in the affair when you thought you loved that person and wanted to shout it to the world? Well, I feel that multiplied by 1000 for my husband now. Our sex life was amazing over the last year. So passionate and fulfilling. So it exists Angela and I hope you experience it with your husband again.
I’ve been following the blog, but never posted. First, I just want to thank TV and other people who posted regularly here. Your words and feelings expressed have resonated so much with me and have helped me tremendously in this PA world to keep my sanity and recover.
Just want to offer a few words of support for Mrs. T. I know you are hurting and it may seem overwhelming right now. But I see a lot of positive aspects in your situation.
1. The fact that you have completely put the affair and xAP behind you and reached a state of “indifference” is already thousands of miles ahead of many of us in rebuilding your marriage. I, for one, 6 weeks post dday(d for disclosure not discovery, as I too confessed my affair) am still wallowing in pain of ending the affair.
2. You confessed for the best intention: to move forward based on complete honesty. I have to say that I agreed with TV and Angela before you told your husband that I would never told my husband in your situation, even though there was a risk of xAP blackmailing me. I would’ve taken my chances. I did mention that I told my husband about my affair, but my intention at the time was to end my marriage(not exactly scoring a point for my marriage). Your husband was hurt, but I think eventually he will come around, see your intention, and appreciate your courage of telling him the truth. It certainly took a lot of courage to do so. My husband told me that he was glad that I told him even though he did not appreciate my intention. He rather knew the truth than be fooled and falsely happy.
3. You said that your husband told you he still loves you very much. That was a great sign that he will come around. From what you said, you are probably his only/best friend. To be fair to him, you’ve had over a year to think things through, repent, grow into a “new you”, and fall in love with him again, he just had the last few days to take in the news, rediscover the “new you”, and re-evaluate your marriage. Once the acute pain of betrayal is over, he will realize that he probably rather work with this “imperfect” you than lose you completely as a wife and a friend.
4. You have so much passion and love for your husband. All you need is your husband turning around and forgive you. I do love my husband, but still working on the passion part.
Sorry to ramble on. What I’m trying to say is that you actually have a lot going for you to rebuild your marriage. Keep trying, give your husband some time and space. I see great hope in your marriage. Just don’t expect it to be a perfect marriage from now on. He may not completely trust you again, but I personally think complete trust of your partner just makes you more vulnerable. It’s sometimes healthy to keep on your toes a little in a marriage.
Good luck!
Hi Adrianna,
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
The nightmare still continues, lots of tears but at least he is talking to me know. He wants to know all the details.
For me, it wasn’t about the sex, it was about the emotional bond I formed with the OM. For my husband, the sex seems to be the only thing that really bothers him and dwells on.
I am being interrogated. I lost my cool today for a little bit. I felt trapped and thought WTF! I am very young, maybe it’s best to part ways. I grabbed a bag and stuffed some clothes in it. He asked me to stay. I thought for a few seconds in my desperation that it may be best to heal separately. If he wants a perfect wife/partner it clearly isn’t me. I apologise and explained that I will take all the punches but I’m human and hurting too. I have made my choice.
I told the truth because of several reasons, but I think one important one is that we were both raised shunned from reality, we were ‘protected’ and ‘lied’ to for two decades. Finding out your life has been based on a lie and all the decisions you could have made differently is tough, it drives you crazy and it hurts like hell because you can’t never have back that precious time. I didn’t want our marriage to be based on a delusion of me being a faithful wife, whether the truth came out or not, I wasn’t who he thought I was. Being truthful and honest was the only way forward for us given our backgrounds. We would never trade the truth, however harsh the reality, we would never want to live in a delusional world again.
He did tell me that the only redeeming factor about all this was that I told him.
We will see. He is now reading a long letter with all the details he asked of me. Who knows where this will go but I keep hoping there is a future, a beautiful future together.
Angela – I heard your advice and I am going to see my doctor; I will need to make something up but I do need the meds. My panic attacks are too regular and I’d swear I have a tumor in my head with the pain that’s there (a bit dramatic I know), so however ashamed I feel to ask for help, I will do it; otherwise my husband won’t feel he can talk to me about anything if I am always going into those ‘can’t’ breath states.
Mrs Trouble out for tonight. What a traumatic weekend.
Hi Mrs. T,
I am SO glad you are talking, and that you’re seeing your doctor. You are so bright and intuitive, and without question you did what was right for you – and you didn’t do it without serious thought and consideration. Your life circumstances are so incredibly different from the average person’s, and in your circumstances, I can see why you did it. You’re fed up with lies and deception. It was an honorable thing you did, without question.
It is so hard to know where it will all land, but what you do know is that you have your entire adult life ahead of you, and whether it’s with your husband or someone else, there will be beauty, hope and success. Without your strength of character you couldn’t have left that cult, and all of your family and connections behind. You are braver than you realize – or perhaps you do.
Know that if your marriage does collapse and you embark on a new relationship when you have healed, it is doubtful that whomever you end up with would fault you for any of this. Your circumstances have been so unique, it would be difficult for any compassionate, understanding person NOT to believe in you. I do.
I hope you get sleep this weekend, and that you got in to see your doctor.
A rough weekend, but also we shared a sweet moment, I couldn’t believe it but we held hands for a few minutes. It just felt like the start of healing. But I know it’s way too soon.
What led to it: I tried to jump out of the car, a bit extreme I know, he was punishing me in all his right. Once I got in the car he played all these songs that made me remember everything the OM had said to me during the affair and my H was mocking me about it, I felt rage and I said that maybe I should have chosen OM instead. What’s wrong with me!!!?? I can’t help getting very annoyed at times and so I opened the door and tried to jump out of a moving car. WTF. I am doing things so out of character I sometimes barely recognise myself. I am just so tired and have barely slept for days.
I see my doctor tomorrow and I am hoping she will see there is something wrong with me and prescribe me some anti anxiety drugs. GPs here are a bit tight that way. And I don’t want to see a counsellor just yet.
We talked more during the day and we even had a few secs of ‘normality’, he played his Xbox and I sat and commented on his game as I usually do. It felt good. He let me cook dinner for him. He said he loved me again and recognised we have shared experiences that are very unique from other people. Maybe I am being naive but that sounds like hope to me.
He is extremely upset about are the thoughts of the OM having sex with me, touching me. I don’t know what to do or say to help him but it’s tormenting him so so much. I am finding hard to be completely on his shoes because if he was the one cheating I would be tormenting, not over the sexual intercourse but about the emotional bond. Any advice is welcome. I love my H, how can I help him? He is the only one I desire and I certainly don’t dwell on the memories with OM.
————————————————————-
Girls, the best diet, have an affair and confess to it. I had been trying to lose a few pounds and surprise, surprise, 7 pounds off in a week. It should be a reason to celebrate with my sister’s wedding coming up, except for this constant knot in my belly.
Angela – one more thing, your latest post was filled with so much compassion and care and I want to thank you for it. Your words “beauty, hope and success” kept me going yesterday. It feels soothing that someone believes in me during the dark hours and days. I truly appreciate it.
Hey, Mrs. T,
You are so painfully human and lovely. You’re a genuine person who made a mistake, after a lifetime of extraordinary experiences. You had broken away from the world you know, your marriage was stagnant, and you reached out to the one other man who could possibly know where you’d been.
Much as I want you to fix your marriage, there is this perverse part of me that wishes you could shed your past – all of it – and move into a more normal world with someone who will appreciate your journey, without having lived it. Your husband was never your captor, but I still sense ‘The Stockholm Syndrome’. You have grown up with your husband, got involved with him as a teen, married him, and left the cult with him. This is enormous, and you both seek strength in the other – and for natural and obvious reasons.
I do hope you’ll see a counselor to deal with everything. And you don’t need to start with the affair or revelation. You could start earlier in your life, and let it evolve at your own pace.
Nobody can fault you where you’ve been, and whether things work out with your husband or not, you will have a lovely life. You have lived through so much that you will never be your standard person. You will always be eclectic, and live life with an open mind and most of all, eyes wide open.
By now you’ve likely seen your doctor. Good. I’d be shocked if he/she didn’t prescribe something. Let us know how that went.
Hey Angela,
How are you? I haven’t been over here in a while and actually haven’t been on UOTI’s blog much either. I think my affair has finally ended for good and while I am not over it by a long shot, I am way past the desperation that I knew when I first came on this blog. I want to be around here and on UOTI’s more to support the newcomers, but I didn’t feel like i could do that while I was still trying to keep my own affair going. I may still be a repeat offender at some point I fear, but things are going really well at home. heck, for me things have always been good at home, which begs the questions, “why did I stray in the first place?”
Mrs. T, I don’t think there is anywhere else you can go to find people who completely understand what you are feeling. I found them during the darkest period of my life and don’t know what I would have done without them.
Flattened -
So wonderful to see you. I didn’t realize your affair had continued. I’m gathering there were relapses. Not for me. We had our lovely closure in Sept. and I spoke to him once about a business related matter in early October. But we are not continuing correspondence in any way, shape of form. I’ll run into him – one day – it’s inevitable. But we’re doing well (both of us, I presume) and thankfully we left each other with full respect. It feels to good – better than i could have hoped for. But yeah – damn I miss him.
Mrs. T here has the most unique circumstances, and while I’ve been absent from the forums (you know my reasons) I couldn’t help but feel moved/compelled and torn by Mrs. T’s story.
Glad you’re okay. If you ever feel the need to email, grab it from UOTI.
Flattened -
So wonderful to see you. I didn’t realize your affair had continued. I’m gathering there were relapses. Not for me. We had our lovely closure in Sept. (via email) and I spoke to him once about a business related matter in early October. But we are not continuing correspondence in any way, shape of form. I’ll run into him – one day – it’s inevitable. But we’re doing well (both of us, I presume) and thankfully we left each other with full respect. It feels to good – better than i could have hoped for. But yeah – damn I miss him.
Mrs. T here has the most unique circumstances, and while I’ve been absent from the forums (you know my reasons) I couldn’t help but feel moved/compelled and torn by Mrs. T’s story.
Glad you’re okay. If you ever feel the need to email, grab it from UOTI.
Hi Angela,
First of all, Viva le Xanax! I got a few of those prescribed yesterday and what a difference they made. My panic attacks stopped immediately. Not my feelings of being upset (although it helped) but the exhaustion of battling to breath and sleep are gone. I got some other meds too, started those today.
Yesterday was bittersweet. I was less anxious and my H was willing to speak to me again. We talked for a long time about leaving the cult and how much it had affected our lives. We also wrote down a list of things about what he wanted from the relationship to show him I really wanted him and loved him, we came up with a plan, it was so open and honest.
He leaned close to me and kissed me. I couldn’t believe it. Last night he also made strong physical advances, I asked him to think about it because he may be confused, but he didn’t and we made love and it was so wonderful. I don’t know if he was reclaiming his territory but it was so passionate and it filled me with hope.
We didn’t sleep together though and this morning he sent an email to say that he didn’t want to give me false hope and that it didn’t mean he wanted to work on our relationship yet or it was the start of something, he was just feeling vulnerable. Although I appreciate his honesty I am shattered. I knew it was very soon and hopeful but he was so tender and sweet to me that I believed for a few minutes he wanted us to work through this together.
Angela, about your comment on shedding my past completely: that is not the first time I have thought about that; even when I was with the OM and thought I loved him, I couldn’t imagine living a life with him either because of his past with the cult and his family in it. I used to think that if my marriage failed it could be a blessing in disguise, that I could just leave it all. My H’s family are still in the cult, only his parents left recently, but after 55 years of being there, they are filled with pain and hurt that cannot stop obsessing and talking about it. I have thought about starting new with someone that could show me how to throw a party, how to celebrate a Christmas night, how to walk comfortably around a club, someone with a ‘normal’ family and normal friends, I have wished that sometimes, but I love my H and I can’t help it.
Your comment on ‘The Stockholm Syndrome’ rings a bell, but not about my husband but what I went through when I discovered the cult had been controlling me based on lies. I used to think there must be a reason, they must be good and I tried to defend them. I am well past that though. If anything, my husband was also a victim of the captors. We have both heavily relied on each other because it’s hard to find anyone who fully gets it.
I think I will make the appointment with the counselor this week. I am slowly being less dark about myself. I love life and I want with all my heart to be happy and make someone truly happy.
I truly and deeply appreciate your words and your comments.
Love,
Mrs. T
Your letter brought tears to my eyes. I’m completely overwhelmed by you, your story, and your strength of character.
I’m so glad you saw your doctor and got a prescription or two. It seems to be making all the difference in the world.
Please don’t feel defeated by what transpired last night. You’re right… these are early days. He’s got a lot to process, and so do you. You’ll be able to make headway with a counsellor, and honestly, solo counseling at this point in time may be best. You have so much to work through, about your past and all your hopes for the future.
Whether you stay with your husband or not shouldn’t deter you from finding the things that matter to you in life. As you make more friends outside the cult, you’ll discover those things you so crave… to throw a dinner party, to go to clubs like other young people do, to enjoy a Christmas evening. It all takes time, but friendships will solidify and you’ll find that slowly but surely, you will have those things you so desire.
You mentioned once that you work from home. Must this always be the case? Is there other work you could do that would get you out of your home more and around other people? If not, I hope you’re involved in other activities and that you have some solid friendships to draw on.
And yes, I know… you’re likely not prepared to go telling people you’ve had an affair. So much of this will come to pass and you’ll be whole in a different way.
This is your journey and you will survive it – tougher, stronger and better. Never forget that.
Hey there, Mrs. Trouble -
I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you are… hoping that things are calming down. If you can, please drop us a note.
A
Hello everyone,
TV it’s always good to see you on here with an update. Your situation was more like mine than any other I have heard about, except for the d-day part of course. The affair for the most part has been over for 8 months, its been 5 months since the last time we had sex, 1 month since the last time we had lunch together and 2 weeks since the last communication. No small feat when you work 50 feet away from each other. The last several weeks have been anniversaries of all sorts. First touch, first kiss, first oral sex and in 3 weeks we will mark the one year anniversary of the first time we made love. I still see it as a beautiful thing and look forward to the time when I can look back on it and smile, but i’m not quite there yet. I no longer feel the tearful desperation that brought me to this blog and is so apparent in every new soul that finds their way here. I may have even convinced myself that it is truly and completely over, but I still think of her everyday. I can only imagine the punch to the gut that you must have felt when you found out your xow was pregnant. Even after 3 plus years that had to suck. As I leave the affair fog and are able to view my feelings more clearly, I still believe that I loved ow as intensely as I have ever loved anyone in my life. I can now see all her imperfections and realize that the biggest mistake I could have ever made would be to leave my wife for her. I love/respect/adore my wife more than anything in the world, yet I was willing to risk it all to spend time with ow. You can say it was all about the sex, but I would have done it just to cuddle on the couch and watch television. The most interesting thing in my case is that we stay away from each other because neither of us is capable of making rational decisions while in the company of the other. (see wild sex romp 5 months ago after 59 and half days of no contact.) I now understand more about the emotions of a single woman in love with a married man. She is always available to him, but he is not available to her. I told her that I loved her and she told me that I didn’t love her enough to make things different. She was right and I hope that one day I am able to tell her how much I apppreciate her having the strength to (mostly) walk away and let me save my marriage. I’m not there yet either. Most days I still hope to see her standing in my door or texting a lunch invitation. I’m guessing I will hope that hope for a long time. You are right about one thing TV, nothing helps much except time. A xanax or two is nice to have when the panic sets in and a really hot secretary is a nice distraction, but the friends I found here saved me. I agree with what Rose Kennedy said “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
And there you have it. It is all about the scar tissue. I feel it. Get it. Accept it. Embrace it. Take comfort it it. And yes, I have moments when I miss him like hell. But the scar tissue is building (4 1/2 months since the abrupt ending. 3 months since our ‘closure’ email, 2 months since a business call). I don’t feel the need to call. I don’t feel anger. Just sweet sadness, on occasion, and the understanding that it is virtually impossible to recover from what seemed to be the ideal affair (a controlled, erotic, intense friendship without false pretenses) when there were no poor moments until the unfortunate moment that it was torn apart.
Poof. In a flash it was gone, and now the scar tissue is doing its work. And it is working. No bitterness. Just an altered soul with an eye to the future – and immense relief that I don’t face him each day as you do, Flattened. And I’m sorry about that. That changes everything.
Forge ahead, brother! You’re doing great.
Flattened, good to hear from you as well. Glad to hear things are well between you and your wife. Yeah, that “D-Day” thing makes our situations quite different. I’m still married, but the marriage is dead, for all intents and purposes. People who say that marriages can recover from an affair never had a real marriage to begin with. Or they’re deluding themselves in thinking it will ever be the same. The fact is, affair-discovery is a marriage killer. I feel sorry for all those “good intentioned” people who come clean with their spouse, thinking the truth will set them free. It’s a noble idea, but there’s just one problem. It doesn’t work. It never does.
You’re correct in saying my ex-lover’s pregnancy came as a blow to me. Certainly I am happy for her. A child is something she’s always wanted, and she will make an excellent mother. But it also means I will never hear from her again. I probably wouldn’t have anyway, but this solidifies it. It will bond her to her husband in ways she can’t imagine, at least for those “magical” first few years. Then, of course, reality will set in. But that’s a different story for a different day.
It’s funny how much my conspiratorial mindset has worked overtime since the announcement of her pregnancy. What I find most interesting is the timing of her pregnancy. She begged her husband to have a child for years, but he was never interested. Yet now that his wife has had an affair, he gives her the child to “lock her in.” I gotta hand it to the limp-dick bastard, he “bested” me where she’s concerned.
So Flattened, here’s the million dollar question: You obviously love your wife, but if you’re still thinking about you-know-who, do you think you’ll wish you had chosen differently in the future? Supposedly, marriage is forever. How will feel, say, 10 years from now? This is the question that haunts me the most, seeing as how I chose to stay with my wife, who both loves me and hates me.
Wow, TV –
I know that blog wasn’t to me, but I can’t help but respond. For the record, it doesn’t take discovery to kill the marriage. The knowledge that Flattened and I carry inside makes it virtually impossible to give back and connect in the same ways.
Ten years into the future? Yes, I’ll wish I’d walked out of my marriage before the end of the affair, on my own two feet, so that I would have given the other a fair chance from my side.
I won’t be married in ten years. Living alone would be better than a dead marriage.
As they say — don’t try crack. It feels good at the time, but it’ll kill ya. But no, I don’t regret my affair. It was a true awakening.
Angela, you are correct that my comment wasn’t aimed at any one person, including you. Perhaps it’s true that no one wins after an affair. Keep in mind, as much as I preach about keeping past and present affairs a secret, I don’t know what it’s like to carry that secret. Your point about it being “virtually impossible to give back and connect” makes sense. I never really thought about it to be honest with you.
What I do know is what it’s like for an affair to be discovered. It’s more hellish than anyone can imagine. In fact, it can’t really be described. Yes, there are all the things I’ve written about, the obvious things, but the unspoken things that can’t be described in words are what get to you. The looks, the vibes, the loathing from your spouse that is so strong, you can smell it on their breath. Even now that the worst part of my storm has passed, subtle comments are made just to remind of what I’ve done. My wife’s health problems? My fault. Kid problems? My fault. Car problems? I’ll be damned if she doesn’t find a round about way to connect it my affair. I love her, and she loves me, but whatever problems existed before have been magnified by a thousand.
Connect and give back? I’m sure it’s challenging when you carry such a huge secret. But there is no real connection –and never will be– when the secret is out. At least your spouse is his same loving self because he’s oblivious to what you’ve done. Still, I wish you luck in managing your secret.
Oh, hey TV -
I will always manage my secret. I’ve never breathed a whisper to a living soul in my real life, and never will. There were no leaks, other than the ‘near discovery’ on his side. But he has not and never would admit to it. He’s not wired like that – thank god – and neither am I. We made a pact, we kept our pact and I will always honor that pact. That was the true ’till death do us part’ . I have broken my marriage, but I will never break his confidence, nor he mine. And weirdly, strangely, I feel that our determination to cut it clean, protect the other and never waver is a greater testament to our care for the other than the breaking of the bond. We went into it with no drama and parted with minimal drama.
TV, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about, off the page. If you felt so inclined, please drop me an email.
Hey TV – sorry for the long post. I’ve read your blog a lot because it resonates so much with me. I had/have been having an affair for the past 2.5 years. I just ended it (again!) and am so sad, mostly at the damage I’ve inflicted on myself and my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 19 years, married for 15 of those. We have three children, all school age. My affair partner has been married for 5 years, with two pre-schoolers, one who was conceived and born during our affair. Though we did stop seeing each other during his wife’s pregnancy, he still called me every week to see how I was doing. Once the kid was out he was back on my door-step; stupidly, I took him back and the affair continued.
My A-P always made it crystal clear that he would never leave his wife and family for me. In the early days I had no desire to walk away from family either – my thinking was the affair was rounding out some holes in my relationship with my husband. What I have since learned is my affair was actually slowly chipping away at my marriage, which is now in absolute tatters.
A-P and I had our ups and downs over the years, lots of make ups and break ups, but we kept going back to each other like magnets. We managed to avoid detection by keeping things very low key: we spoke only twice a week, kept text messages to a minimum, NEVER emailed, and saw each other only once a week during work hours – no evenings, weekends, or anything that would involve telling actual lies to our spouses about our whereabouts. We never did anything in public together, never bought each other gifts – there was to be no paper trail, no evidence, no gossipy rumors. While these affair “rules” were less than perfect in my opinion, I accepted them over time, figuring that combined with my marriage I was “having it all” – the caring, attentive husband and partner who parented with me, socialized with me, took care of me financially and was there for me when I was sick, AND the hot and sexy lover who couldn’t keep his hands off me! What I didn’t bank on was the effect the “secrecy” would have on me. Over time, it stopped being exciting and became a weight on my shoulders. When news of neighbor’s affairs came out, I had to tsk-tsk and shake my head along with the rest of the “happily marrieds”. I felt like the world’s biggest fraud to all the people who meant the most to me.
On top of this, over time my feelings for lover grew while feelings for husband declined. Now I find myself in a big ugly mess and a few days ago I flipped out. First of all, A-P told me he and his wife were considering getting a dog. While this may seem dumb, to me it was the equivalent of him announcing they were having another baby. We all know a puppy isn’t just for Christmas and to me his message was: “look, I’m putting down additional roots with my wife, making long term plans…” Somebody in doubt about his relationship doesn’t take on more commitments! On top of that, he took a call from his wife while in my bed. I couldn’t stomach hearing him call her “babe”, laughing and joking on the phone, discussing the mundane domestic things they had to do that day. It was more than I could handle. It dawned on me that I was killing my marriage for a guy who was clearly perfectly content in his. Though he apologized for taking the call, it was too late – the damage was done. I truly understood at that moment that while A-P loves me (and I know he does), he doesn’t love me enough to be anything more than a weekly screw. This hurts more than I can describe.
So – that’s the bare bones background, and now to my question to you TV: does the love for your spouse ever come back? I’ve told A-P not to contact me over the holidays – my thinking is that I can focus on my husband and family, that I’ll be busy enough to not sit around thinking about how broken my heart is, and maybe I can start putting the pieces back together. A-P didn’t flinch in saying “sure, no problem” when I told him to give me this space. In fact, he agrees I need to make things right with my husband – I guess the last thing he wants is me walking out and becoming a potential “loose cannon”. I’ve taken A-P off my Facebook friends list – I don’t want him seeing what I’m doing, nor do I want to see his updates – my intention is to completely disappear off the face of the earth! But I’m so sad about the break with him that I feel even more miserable with my husband!! We were at a party last night and my husband seemed dull, unfunny, a little socially inept. How can I start feeling LOVE for him again when I can barely stand to be in his company? I don’t want him touching me sexually – I go through the motions, then I go and sob silently in the bathroom.
I’ve really bottomed out in my marriage and I don’t know if I can save it. I know my A-P is not there for me – if I walk away, I walk away alone. I haven’t told anybody about my affair and my husband is completely oblivious. Right now, I can’t imagine still being married to him in 5 years – in fact, he just irritates that crap out of me most of the time. I need advice on how to move forward. Anybody?
TV you’ve hit the nail firmly on the head as so often before! It’s not the big blowups now that the dust is settling a bit more, it’s the low level stuff that shows that moving passed this is gonna be a long, long road if at all possible. Everything that happens is my fault – the house is a mess – my fault, the rook leaks, money worries, everything from the post being late to a tickly cough ends up being my fault. I’m trying to grin and bear it but it’s costing me my health… still that’s my fault too and I have to just suck it up. I know people out there in blog land will say we deserve it since we chose to be “adulterers” but still…..
uoti, the scary part is, coming under fire for things I have no control over has become the “norm” in my household. I’m actually getting used to this treatment, and when I step back and think about it, it seems very wrong. Sorry to hear you’re having some health issues. Nothing too serious I hope. Hang in there my friend! (And to hell with those “outsiders” who feel we deserve this.)
yeah f**k ‘em all – i’m just a bit fed up with the whole holier than thou attitude that some people cop!!
yeah it’s become the norm to blame me for every little bump in the road whether it’s in my power to stop it or not. It really is a case of shooting the messenger so much so that I dither if I have to say something that might be construed as negative, how’s that for messing with the communication thats so vital to a relationship. I’ve even tried to playdown my health problems in case I get the well it serves you right attitude (btw not life threatening h/problems but definitely intefering with my day to day) without getting too into it when I recently had some mouth ulcers (not the h/probs but because I’m rundown – surprise) I didn’t say a word because i was afraid of the whole “and who did you pick those up from….” what a f**kin life huh!!
Hey TV, I don’t think I will ever wish that I had chosen ow. That would be like if Rush Limbaugh married Nancy Pelosi. We were made to love each other intensely for a short time, never for a lifetime. Like I told a very dear friend this morning, as much heartache as ow has caused me, she was also the catlyst for me being in the best shape of my life, remembering how to make my wife feel wanted and seeing the adventure in everything around me. I am even (mostly) past the point of hating ow, which of course presents it’s own problems.
Only in the deepest depths of the affair fog did i give consideration to leaving my wife and then only briefly. I loved ow as truly and intensely as I have ever loved anyone in my life, but it was for a reason or for a season and not for a lifetime. (at least I damned sure hope it wasn’t for a lifetime, because even these occasional bouts of melancholy suck.)
Katherine, while I’m no expert on these matters (I just play one on TV), I do believe it’s wise to cease communication with Mr. Happily Married, especially if it’s ruining things at home. Can you ever resurrect your feelings for your husband? Yes. No. Maybe. It’s hard to say. Your relationship with hubby will never be the same. That’s for sure. Not because of him, but because of you. You’re different now. Always will be. Even if you get over your lover, you’ll still be different. I don’t think I will ever love my wife as intensely as I once did. I think the notion that people can slip back into their old lives and pick up where they left off is B.S. I realize this more and more as time goes on. My wife and I are different, and that difference was a MAJOR contributing factor to my affair. I didn’t cheat because I was promiscuous, or that I’m a typical male who can’t keep his organ in his pants. I cheated because I felt alienated from my wife, and because I had so much more in common with my lover. That’s generally the case with most people who have an affair. But just because the affair ends doesn’t mean a person can rush back to their spouse as though nothing ever happened. Yet that’s always the expectation, am I right? Like me, Katherine, you’re “locked in” with family, responsibility and duty. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but what’s the alternative? Leave your husband and family in the chance that you’ll find someone just like your affair-partner? There is a million to one chance any of us will find that. At least, that’s how I see it.
How do you move forward? Here’s where it gets depressing. You come to terms with the fact that you’ll never love intensely again. I wish I could sugarcoat it, but that’s the reality.
TV…
Ugh. Ouch.
Of course all that stuff I said earlier comes with the caveat that I may feel very different next week. That’s the worst part of this post affair world is that I’m ok today and I might be in the depths of despair tomorrow. Ugh.
Hi Katherine,
So much of your situation mirrors my own. I’m female, my affair wasn’t discovered (there was suspicion on my AP, and it ended abruptly) and I’m the process of trying to feel for my husband again. My affair ended in July – about 4 1/2 months ago.
It’s a process. I was numb, sick and could barely eat for a few weeks. I was in shock and missed him desperately. Like you, I had to accept that his loyalty lies to his partner, and not me. That was a bitter pill to swallow, although in my heart of hearts, I always knew that is how it would unfold. We had both said we’d never change our lives for the other, or go down in a hail of bullets, and so we didn’t. I don’t know if he’s happy now. We don’t communicate. But he’s got to be feeling something, given that our affair didn’t end because of any issue between us. We remained insanely attracted to the other, mind, body and soul throughout the affair. The crashing end was devastating.
TV is right. I feel that I will never love like that again… feel like that again. I can’t find what is required to move forward correctly with my husband. I feel void of passion. I am more hyper-critical of him. I feel exactly as you do about your husband, and none of what you describe is ‘love’.
I wonder if the guilt over what I’ve done has permanently eroded things. But I would NEVER tell. We had the same terms you had in our affair. Daytime meetings, little contact between, no gift or paper trail. And there was a plausible reason as to why I might be in his company. It was well-crafted, like your affair.
All I can tell you is that the numbness passes. Things do get better. But I also find myself wondering how to stay in my marriage. If I do, I feel that I’m a serious candidate for another affair. And I’ll sadly admit that I would struggle to hold myself back from someone I felt who could even remotely fill his shoes. It’s unlikely that will happen, so I am safe. Safe in a friendly marriage that is void of all passion.
Thanks for the reply TV. Your comments reflect my own thoughts on love and long term relationships. I don’t believe in “one soul mate” or any of that romantic fluff and I’m certainly not about to give up my comfortable life in the hope of finding Prince Charming. Hey, my husband was Prince Charming once upon a time and look how that turned out! No, I will stick with my marriage the way you have stuck with yours and “feelings of love” has little to do with that decision. I don’t want my children to “go without” because we have to finance two separate households. Nor do I want them dealing with divorced parents when they are adults: the pressure of where to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, July 4th? Ugh! When my husband and I married, we spent hours agonizing over where to seat our 4 divorced parents, two re-married, two still single and slightly bitter. I’m not putting my kids through a lifetime of worrying about their parents being in the same room because of my selfish desires. Besides, I figure in 10-15 years from now I won’t care about red-hot passion anyway – I will appreciate my husband as a companion, travel partner, somebody to come home to. Even if he gets on my nerves half the time
And Mr. Happily Married should really be called “Mr. Cat Whipped to a Pulp” – the guy can’t draw breath without his wife’s prior written consent! She calls him at work 15 times a day just to see what he’s doing (I know this because she always called multiple times when I was with him. If he sent her to voicemail, she immediately called right back – it was sad to witness.) He is made to feel guilty about going to work, leaving her at home with their children – she wants him to earn more but work less. If his friends are going on a guys’ weekend, she finds reasons he can’t go or has to come back early. When he is allowed out with friends, he is told how much he can drink and berated like a small child if he “goes too crazy”. Meanwhile, she comes and goes as she pleases, doing whatever she wants to do, whenever she wants to do it. And he bends over backwards to keep her happy. That’s a dynamic I will never understand.
I’ve always known her controlling behavior is what prompted him to cheat with me just two years into their marriage. I think our affair was his passive-aggressive way of giving his wife the finger and screaming “fuck you, you’re not the boss of me!!” But those are his problems, not mine, and I will no longer allow his issues to affect me. It’s time to send him back to his missus where she can emasculate him to her heart’s content. I’m done being his crutch.
It’s time for me to focus on my family, my husband, myself. I realize I have to accept my marriage for what it is now, not get bogged down in what it used to be. I have to look at the bigger picture and appreciate the things I have, stop giving so much energy to the things I don’t have but think I want. I know tomorrow will be better than today. ~K~
Angela – sounds like we were seeing the same guy! I hated the “well crafted” aspect of our affair. I always thought mistresses were supposed to be wined and dined, buried in a shower of gifts, etc. Apparently not!
I know how heartbroken you feel right now as I’ve been there many, many times. My affair was on-and-off for over 2.5 years. The first break up was crushing, but at this point I’m so damn tired of the drama and roller coaster ride of emotions, I’m almost giddy to spend yet another night watching TV with my dull-but-loyal-husband. Like you, I believe I am “at risk” for another affair, but I sit and ask myself why on earth I’d ever want to put myself through this trauma again. It’s just not worth it. I realize I need to find happiness within my family, friends, husband, self. I didn’t feel good having my affair – the thrill of the sneaking around wore off pretty fast and was replaced by fear, guilt, stress, heartbreak, and depression, emotions far more damaging and longer lasting than the excitement that came from knocking boots with my sexy OM.
The issue I’m worrying about now is that I can GUARANTEE my OM will be back come the New Year. I’ve asked him to give me December with no contact/no meetings to try and fix my marriage (he knows I’m having problems). He agreed to that and though I promised I’d call him in January I have no intention of doing so. I’ll wager he’ll wait until mid-January to call me and start pressuring me again. I don’t want to keep getting sucked back in, but it’s so hard to say no, especially when I’m feeling less than loving towards my husband. My husband is a good man, a good provider and father, but he is a cold fish emotionally. It’s difficult to feel love for him when you get so little back. When OM calls and tells me how much he’s missed me, how much he loves me, how much he’s thought about me, it’s impossible to resist, even if it isn’t 100% true! Of course, I’ve spoken to my husband about his lack of emotional expression, and he said “that’s just the way I am.” Hubby doesn’t know he has competition and so has no incentive to step up his game. I sometimes wish he did know because he might feel inclined to put more effort into keeping me here, but instead he just takes my presence for granted, assumes that the “life we’ve built together” is enough to stop me walking away. The sad thing is, he’s right – I’m not going anywhere. I just wish there was more affection and love between us. It doesn’t have to be passion – just simple, warm affection would be enough. I don’t know if we’ll ever have that feeling again, but I do know it’s not coming back while I’m screwing around behind his back.
Hi Angela, TV and all,
Mrs Trouble here with an update.
There is hope. The numbness and initial shock have passed. My husband and I decided to give our marriage another shot. Well, I decided a year ago but he only decided recently. It was tough, as you know, the waiting.
Confessing: glad I did it. Any more deceit in our lives was inconceivable. I still have pangs in my stomach when I think about the pain I caused my H. However, as he said, he is resilient, I am stubborn and we’re worth it. When something like that happens because you make the choice to expose yourself, it changes things, it changes you and changes your spouse too. It’s raw and so painful but at the same time it can ignite love and hope in wonderful ways.
Things haven’t been easy. Full disclosure is scary and we do have bad, teary days. But honestly, the good days are more than the bad days. Our love making has been amazing too; I was holding something back before and I bet he could sense it and now I am fully exposed to him in all senses. That makes the experience beyond what I can express with words. A part of me had detached from him and I used to be critical and hated looking vulnerable in front of him.
We are happy most days; we talk and we laugh. We go out for lunch, for dinner. We sit by the fire and kiss and hug. We are going on a holiday together soon.
No meds for me anymore. My panic attacks are a rare occurrence now. I see the light most of the time and the darkest hours are not as unbearable anymore.
I am not naive, I realise we have a long road ahead, but that is what living is all about. The uncertainty and also excitement of what lies ahead.
OM was really important to me and I loved him for a short while and it was crashing when I ended it because there was that massive void left in me; however, the shared experiences and the love I feel for my husband is at another level, it’s greater and fulfilling and I just want us to keep nourishing that sweet love.
I usually tend to be on the cynical and skeptical side of things, but I cannot assure you enough that is not all darkness after an affair if you truly let go. Every relationship is unique and the way you love someone is too. I feel the luckiest woman on earth because my husband is so kind, tender and compassionate and I know he loves me. I can see love, understanding and affection in his eyes, the little things he does for me and the way he touches me. There is passion.
I feel all grown up now, I have learned so much and I am less egocentric now
) I can’t change what I did or take things back, it’s part of who I am and I need to embrace that (working on it). It’s all about choices.
“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not” (André Gide)
Hi TV,
You and many people who commented here seem so intelligent, insightful, and rational, and have been through affair and dealing with aftermath of affair. I wanted to ask this question of how to end an affair “nicely.” Here is some background.
I’ve known my husband 15+ years and married for 10+ years, with children. My marriage lacked intimacy, passion, communication, etc. all the common problems I read about pre-affair, but in general was OK. I fell in love unexpectedly with my OM and progressed fast and explosively from the beginning. I was happy with keeping it underground , though guilt was growing everyday, but my OM was pushing me to leave my husband. He finally convinced me as I felt more and more guilty about the lies and thought that I should make a decision and start living an honest life again. I was crazy about my OM at the time and deep in the “affair fog.” I imagined a “happily ever after” life with my OM and was willing to give up everything in my life for him. So I packed my bag and told my husband about the affair and was ready to walk out of the house that day. It was hell beyond belief! I will never forget the pain and devastation on my husband’s face when I told him. It crushed me. There was yelling and crying, but my H fairly quickly calmed down and asked me to think about my decision carefully. He told me that he loved me deeply and trusted me completely. I blindsided him. He never knew that I was unhappy and there were all these problems in our marriage. He was willing to forgive me and work with me on our marriage to make it better if I agree to leave my OM. He asked me that for all the love, history, and children we shared, didn’t I think I should at least give it a try before walking away like that? He got me. We talked overnight for over 8 hours. I locked myself in a room the next day and thought it over. I decided that my H was right. Knowing how much pain and destruction I would cause my family by leaving, I would regret and feel incredibly guilty in the future that I did not even give my marriage a try before leaving. It would inevitably affect my relationship with my OM negatively.
When I told OM that I was ending our affair, he flipped out. He said that I betrayed him, hurt him so much that he just wanted to die. I wanted to give him more explanation of why I made that decision. He wouldn’t hear it and just walked away. He sent me an email a few days later telling me that he still loved me and missed me, and how I destroyed him. I wrote back saying that I wanted to talk to him to give both of us some closure, but he replied and said that he could not bear any more rejection from me. He asked for no contact until he felt better. That was how we left it. Since then I’ve been through hell trying to keep him out of my mind and work on my marriage. I made a rational decision, but there was only so much I could do to control how I feel. My OM and I were at the peak of our relationship and was planning to start a life together when I ended it abruptly, so I understand if he hates me. We are neighbors, not next door, but close enough and I know his routine enough that if I wanted to “run into” him, I could do that everyday. But I tried to avoid him. Since the d-day(3 months ago), I only ran into him once last week. It was a classic “running into each other in the grocery store” scene. I was walking out of the store when he was walking in. I greeted him. He answered me sarcastically and made a reference to something only we knew and walked away. From what he said and the way he looked, I know he is still hurting badly.
From reading all the affair blogs and comments, I know you will probably say that affairs just don’t end nicely. The emotional trauma they cause the parties involved will last for years. But I just wonder if there is anything I can do to help the healing process for both of us. I see the following options:
- No contact no matter what. I don’t initiate contact and if he does, ignore him. Possibly even move out of the neighborhood to avoid chance meetings. This seems to be what all the self-help books, wise therapists, etc. recommend as the only way to move on fast and complete. But from all the blogs, including yours, TV, that no contact also seems to cause at least the endee so much bitterness, resentment, lack of closure…
- Initiate contact. Ask him if he wants to talk to me. This way I would give some of his pride back by contacting him and give him some power back by letting him decide whether to answer me or not. It may not be a good idea since he asked me not to contact him and I should probably respect his wish. Contacting him may hurt him more.
- Don’t initiate contact, but answer if he contacts me. When I answer, I can give him some explanation, be honest and tell him that I still miss him and love him, but I’m not leaving my marriage, so there is no future for us. If d-day didn’t happen, our affair would have continued. But now, there is no way we can go back to it. After the conversation, we probably will resume no contact. Or when I answer, I can give him explanation and lie to him and saying that I have already moved on, my marriage is working out perfectly, so please move on and forget the whole thing.
Answering him may run the risk of dragging out the affair. One conversation may turn into two, and so on. I have the willpower to not initiate contact, but I don’t know if I have enough self-control to resist him if he asks for more.
So which option is the “nice” way to end the affair? Maybe nothing will make my OM feel better unless I leave my husband and beg him to come back to me. It is not an option right now so I have to take the next best one. You may ask where my H stands in all this. Though he prefers that I never have any contact with my OM, he told me that if I want closure, it’s OK to do so, but just tell him if I have contact with OM. He said if he forced no contact when I feel I have not had closure, it would just make me miss OM more. He was very understanding and I try not to betray this new trust. Sorry for the long post. I’m asking for some advice and guidance and thought some details around the end would help.
Katherine -
As TV will tell you, it does get better. I won’t get back together with my OM, and no contact has served me well. I, like you, have no idea how to resume a normal married life. I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I fear I’ll be a repeat offender if I don’t find some way to fall back in love with my husband. He’s a good man, and undeserving of all of this. But sometimes, maybe, people grow apart. It’s tough to rebuild that bridge when there is the memory of extreme passion, lust, friendship and love with another. I wish I had better answers for you.
Ms. Trouble,
I am SO glad to hear you are doing well. You have so much to offer, and it sounds like your husband is willing to give things an honest go. You are inspirational to myself, and likely Katherine, who don’t know how to rediscover passion with our husbands. You’ve done some serious ‘letting go’ to get there. It’s a scary thing, and you are clearly better capable than I am. In your case, honesty has set you free. In mine, I presume it would bury me alive.
I’m glad you’re moving into the holiday season with hope and optimism.
I am sending you the most positive thoughts and wishes.
Adriana,
My relationship ended in the absolute height of things, without warning. Different circumstances, but I can feel for your ex-affair partner. It’s tough when your world is yanked out from beneath you.
My advice? Don’t contact him. For what? So that he can begin to heal all over again? His world has been crushed, but he will survive. Likely he’s wiping the sweat off his brow that his own world didn’t go upside-down. Is he married? I missed that in your post.
Each time you get in touch, the process of healing must begin again. There is that moment of hope. I’ve had one letter 6 weeks after the fact (closure letter after an abrupt ending) and one business phone call. I’m glad we did the letter exchange, but it set me back to the day we broke up. In our case, we needed it. There had been many things left unsaid, as we ended the relationship abruptly upon near discovery. There were no conversations, texts or emails at that time. It was as though my limbs had been chopped off without anesthesia. It sounds to me as though you two discussed things in the few days after the split.
My advice? Let him heal. It sucks. It’s tough. I feel for him. I also know that the moment he sees that text or email from you, it will all come to the surface, as real as though it was yesterday.
Not enough time has passed.
Angela,
Thank you for your response. It makes sense. I won’t contact him. I can’t give him what he wants, so telling him how I felt then and how I feel now won’t help much and may make him feel worse. You are right about feelings come to the surface. Seeing him last week for that five seconds opened up the wound again. I’ve felt so much pain since then and I was the one who ended it. Maybe that was what made me think of contacting him. But I won’t. I still don’t know what I should do if he contacts me in the future. I don’t know if I can resist answering him. Somehow the ending lacked some finality to me. Maybe because he wrote in his last email that we will talk when he is ready to face me again. It made me think that he will contact me in the future. This waiting for possible contact/closure makes it hard for me to let it go completely.
Yes, he is married with children. He told me that his marriage was very dysfunctional and he wanted to leave long time ago. He told his wife about the affair about the same time I told my husband. His wife told him to go ahead and leave if he wanted to. Didn’t seem like she was fighting for him to stay. Of course, that was what he told me how things went on his side. I may not know the whole story. His wife emailed me after I decided to stay with my husband. She said that she forgave me and supported my decision. It was kind of out of blue. I knew her since we live in the same community, but not well. I emailed her back and apologized. It was all very surrealistic. Let’s just say that I’m on better terms with his wife than with him right now. After I broke up with him, he went back to his wife. As far as I know, they are still together.
Adrianna,
It’s a double-edged sword. Our situations are reversed. It’s interesting for me to hear your side. I think that I’ve come to presume that he doesn’t give a damn about me or how I feel. In my heart, I know that isn’t true. He’s a tough bastard. Stoic to a fault. He’ll suck up any pain, about anything in life, and shove it aside. I say, ‘Don’t call him’, and I believe that’s the best advice possible. That said, I’d love to have some sort of confirmation that I haven’t suffered alone in my situation. Right now I feel a victim of the ‘tough love’ program. If he can’t fix it, he’s not going to dangle me. It’s humane. It’s painful. But the pain diminishes. I’m moving on. That feels uplifting and hollow, if such a mix is possible.
Merry Christmas TV and all the tortured souls who visit here. Wishing you all a happy holidays. Be strong and be well and if you are currently in NC, then good luck.
And right back at you, Flattened! Hmm… define ‘NC’. I had a minor brief email exchange of a business nature, earlier this week. It didn’t and won’t go any further. My affair will never resume, and much of the strength comes from his side, I’m sorry to admit. When the door is closed, the door is closed. We could all learn from that!!!
And yes, everyone, I hope you all have wonderful, safe, happy, healthy, FUNCTIONAL holidays with your families. I’m feeling pretty okay about things…
Happy holidays, everyone! Enjoy the holiday season, may God bless you and take away the pain (about bloody time
) Thank you TV for being there for all of us.
Hello everyone, hope all of you have a good holiday season. It has been a while since Ichecked tv’s blog. I see we have somenew comers into this little part of hell. I hope all of you are doing as well as you can and do believe things do get better. TV, as always you are right “you’ll never love intensely again. I wish I could sugarcoat it, but that’s the reality.:: after starting to com eou tof the fog and finally spending a holiday where i was not constantly haunted by the thoughts of what my MM was doing with his family, I realize that after the fog tv is right, I will never love that intensely again, that makes me sad, but maybe it also means I will never hurt that intensely again.
TV, thanks again for sharing all your experiences and wisdom with me, your blog helped save my life. And to all the newbies, it does get easier, I promise.
Hello everyone….excuse my thread interruption.
Angela- can you email me when you get a sec? lisaelias@yahoo.com.
Thank you so much!
Happy B-lated Christmas and New Year. I hope you are all keeping well and healthy (especially on the mental side
).
I am happy to report we had a great holiday period. Things are so much brighter and we are both filled with hope, honesty, deep care and love – not the fairy tale but the real one. It’s still early but I do see us moving on from this.
Thank you TV, Angela and BOTI for all your kind support during my darkest hours. It meant a lot.
To a happier, healthier, more hopeful year, one full of love, compassion and plenty of healing. Cheers.
It’s interesting how a break in NC can bring it all back. But that needn’t be a bad thing, if people behave in an intelligent manner. I saw my ex recently, but we were well behaved and had a wonderful time. I’m not sure what it was, but at the very least, it may have been closure after 7 months of living in the abyss.
We’d ended suddenly, and overnight, when the affair was still on a high. There was suspicion on his side, and he axed the relationship mercilessly… or so it seemed. The reality is, though, that there was no ugliness and he did damage control and sought to protect me. But still, it seemed jarring and sudden, and many things were left unsaid. I didn’t fault him, but it hurt like hell.
That’s the way it goes in these things. The can end in a heartbeat, and all too often the other party takes it personally. But none of us set out to destroy our families, and harsh realities come with the turf.
Anyway, here we are, more than half a year later. Had a wonderful evening, and it was good to see that the mutual respect lingers on. I’m glad we didn’t say awful things or take the ending personally. He’s still the person he was then, and so am I. Nothing has changed, except our status as lovers.
When affairs end, people need to remember that we all need to act in the ways that suit our own families and circumstances best. It hurts like hell, but I feel that we all do better if we exit with dignity and grace.
Hmm. It all feels okay!
You know why I ended up having an affair with another man? It’s because the sex was terrible with my husband. I thought our love for the past decade could overcome it but it didn’t. Never did. It was bad from the first time we were together but I foolishly thought we would always have youth and enthusiasm on our side and that along with my patient teachings would be enough to overcome this limitation over time. I was so wrong. After a difficult number of years because of the kind of challenges life throws you along the way, the gap between us grew wider over time, made worse by the fact that we couldn’t even rely on a physical connection to heal things. At least this is how it turned out on my end. I ended up falling for someone who was so right for me in every physical way but is probably the kind of morally challenged person I had no trouble avoiding in my younger years. My marriage is on the verge of a permanent breakup and I don’t know what to do next. Some days I am ok and on others I am a hair’s length away from losing it all. I am so afraid of what comes next, of how I am supposed to live my life alone, and of whether I will ever be able to forget the kind of physical love this other person has shown me.
Little Tree, welcome to hell. That’s all I can say. I’m out of words. Best of luck to you and yours.
I can’t believe it’s the month of May and I was so distraught when reading in December. Honestly, I look back on my posts and they all say the same thing, even trying to divide it sections to understand (why the affair happened ect) That part should have been so obvious, but still reluctant to leave because I don’t have things as organized as I wish for moving forward, seems I spend a lot of my time writing and thinking about it.
Ok, got that figured out why it happened. Decided not fair to my husband even if he is ultimately a total jerk alcoholic. Uhm, he has supported me and the kids. Basically said I have a really great life and he can’t believe I would want to leave him. Yikes, I digress again. … I wanted to know if Katherine came back to share what happened with her situation. She went back to husband, expected OM to contact her for further continuing of affair and Adrianna a similar tale of expecting OM to contact her “we will talk when he is ready to face me again.”
Those without their own blogs leaves on this spot on TV’s for a reunion, and it might be as simple as everyone feeling as he says. “I’m out of words.” It’s hard to read that when searching for the magic answer.
I need a map, list, checksheet, plan, answers to arrive at the best outcome for everyone. Evidently this is not possible to divorce amicably. Being nice is what is keeping me stuck. I take two steps forward, two steps back some days. I guess I need another posting.
Okay, I’ll give my own update…
‘No Contact’ didn’t work. We do have contact, although it isn’t extensive. We don’t talk about the past, but we somehow communicate like two friends with a shared knowledge.
We met for a drink a few months ago, and we’ll do it again in the next couple of weeks. It was quiet, lovely and civilized when we met last time – each one of us going home to our respective homes, intact. We didn’t talk about our warp-speed ending, instead we caught up with each other, and offered support and advice about life and work. The concern is genuine.
I don’t know what our next meeting will look like. It wouldn’t take much to tip the scales. We’ve both been highly adult and respective of the situations of the other, so perhaps, just maybe, we’ve learned how to be friends without falling back into bed.
I wonder if this is even possible. My marriage rides the razor’s edge, and I don’t wish to blow up my life. Not now, and not this way. But my god, I miss the passion I had with my AP. The connection was supreme, and we were never messy. We split cleanly at the first hint of ‘a bust’. There were no negative feelings and the relationship was solid. If there had been issues, it would have been easier to accept and move on.
Yes, if I could erase the memories, I would. But I can’t. I simply hope I have the where-with-all to avoid a relapse.
Haven’t checked this site for a while and surprised to find some new postings! Here’s my update.
My OM and I have not had the “closure talk.” He has not contacted me. While I was bothered by “lack of closure,” I have seen it more and more as a gift to me now. I read my post in December and realized that I missed him a lot then and hoped for an excuse to contact him. But thanks to Angela’s advice, I did not. This “no contact” put distance between me and him and take me further away from the affair. The intensity of the feelings has faded and though he still comes to my mind everyday, the missing, the longing, the fantasizing have largely gone away. We still run into each other almost once a week, sometimes longer. He always said hi and wave to me. After his sarcastic comment last time, I tried not to engage him in any way. I always waved and said hi back but nothing more. An encounter would shake me to the core 5 months ago, but now I just shrug it off and keep going with my day. I guess time does heal.
Angela, it’s good to hear that you’ve had some closure with your OM. Just be careful. I don’t know what you envision as the ideal long term solution for this “friendship.” I guess one step at a time? I agree with you that when there’s no issues, no hard feelings, no d-days, but plenty of mutual respect, likely even love still exist, it is a set up for a slippery slope to a relapse. Just don’t get yourself hurt again and be mentally prepared for any possible, especially worst, outcome. I personally will not be able to resist the temptation. No contact has protected me from such a relapse. Not wanting to repeat a d-day is also restraining me from initiating any contact. If I didn’t have a d-day and my affair ended, I imagine I would want to keep some contact with my OM like you do because it is just hard and not natural to completely block someone who used to be so intimate with you out of your life. But after knowing how much pain I caused my husband and knowing that he does not wish further contact between me and OM and going directly against that would bother me tremendously.
That was a summary of my mental state. Outwardly in my life, everything is pretty much back to “normal.” Our conversation about my affair has dwindled from everyday to once a week, to once a month, and now we have not mentioned it in almost 2 months. I know my DH still thinks about it, but hopefully less frequently now. He is keeping his words when he asked me to stay and tries to show his love whenever he can. We still need to work on the issues that existed in our marriage pre-affair. But now I’m not going anywhere anymore and we have plenty of time to work on them as we heal. Accepting that my affair ended completely and that I have no future with my OM eliminated the “what ifs” “could be’s” that would haunt me and hault my progress of moving on. It has made me committed to my marriage…and much happier, relaxed, guilt-free, and seeing a more clear future to work towards.
Adrianna,
I am thrilled that you have been so successful in moving past it, and it seems that your marriage has all great potential to become powerful once again.
You are very correct when you say that I could potentially encounter a slippery slope. I vacillate. A couple of weeks ago, I would have been very vulnerable to him, but as we’ve communicated more and more of late (strangely, no discussion of our past, and no face to face meetings) I become increasingly less likely to ever tumble into bed with him again. I’ve removed the rose-colored glasses, but still feel immense respect for him. We do plan to meet again, soon, but in a neutral setting. I am hoping/presuming that he has no ulterior motives, although I must admit that I think I did, a while back. By seeing each other, then letting a few months pass, I’ve been able to better put things into perspective.
I don’t want to tear apart my family, and I don’t wish to embark on a hurtful roller-coaster ride with him again. I miss certain elements of our relationship, but our initial connection was cerebral, and if we can maintain that in a safe way, I’m all in. I hope that I’ll be able to step away if my past feelings for him get the better of me. But given his high level of restraint, I believe we’re on equal ground and can manage this like two adults.
i’m a newcomer here, and have to say i’m so glad i found this blog, albeit a thankfully forgotten and rarely attended blog by its author. that gives me hope that one day, this will all be ancient history for me too, and life does go on.
in the meantime, i’ve read the entire blog from start to finish and although i haven’t been able to sort out the “whys” yet, i do feel like i’ve collected hundreds of little tiny puzzle pieces gleaned from TV’s writing and from the comments of so many others who are going through what is no doubt the biggest mind fuck i’ve ever experienced. hopefully my brain can start to make sense of all these puzzle pieces over time and gain some clarity on why i turned into a cliche of a bored but otherwise happily married wife who cheated with friend, and consequently ruined that friendship. thankfully, and more importantly, my marriage is still in tact, but his is not. i’m worried about him and the pain i feel at knowing we can’t stay friends is palpable. i guess it was bound to happen. we were doomed from the start.
Hi Angela,
You are a very rational and together person. If anyone can keep a friendship under such a circumstance, you can. I think it takes two people who want the same level of relationship to make it work. It falls apart if one side clearly wants more than the other and has no self-control.
Except this dysfunctional A, I have been on good terms with all my exBFs. My first love, who held a flame for me for years, works with me now. We have a “special” relationship that we know each other better than on the surface, and we can talk about anything in the world. He knows about my A and we talked about it. But we don’t EVER talk about any feelings for each other. Keeps on the surface, so to speak. It looks “dangerous” to outsiders, but to me, it’s clear in my heart that we will never enter an affair, and I believe that we will be friends for my life.
Good luck with meeting up with your xAP. Keep us posted
Michele, thanks for your comment. You’ll find plenty of good company on here. You are correct in saying I’ve been a little absent from this blog. I’m just dealing with the new challenges life has sent my way. As far as figuring out the “whys” of an affair, that’s the one thing that eludes everyone. Even now, I’m not sure “why” they happen, or what it all means. Affairs are just a bump on life’s road, I guess. Good luck to you.
Hi Michele,
As you know by now you can find us all at the various steps of dealing with the great “mindfuck” on this blog. So many of us don’t post here anymore because we moved on in our recovery or moved to other blogs, but most of us have to check back every so often to see if another lost soul has checked in to the place we first found support. Nothing is quite so lonely as dealing with the end of an affair. Who else can understand what you are going through? TV put voice to all the things we were thinking and feeling and gave us a place to share those feeling with others. It will help more than you know to have that marriage intact. I can’t imagine how I would have survived if I had lost mine.
Angela, I am still trying to stay off that roller coaster myself. It’s been fairly easy lately with my OW out of the office, but she is back today and just knowing she is down the hall has added a certain amount of tension to my day. I know there is no safe way for us. When we are together the energy is overpowering and the only way is separation.
Dear TV,
Hoping to have an update on your life… you are the guru for all of us still struggling to get thru this mess. i wish I could say i was out… but i am sucked right back into it AGAIN… yeah you would think after that DDAY i caused it would be over…. but i guess he and i need more time before it is finally over,… i feel it is near the end but it just seems unable to finally get there … oh well enough about me, how are YOUUUUUU????? i hope life is treating you good and you are happy… you dont know how amny people you have helped
Hey TV, how come I got moderated and deleted earlier?
Wow, Flattened – you got moderated and deleted? How cool is that? Enquiring minds want to know what, pray tell, you could have posted.
Me thinks it was a computer glitch. Our fearless leader is pretty open.
Angela, the posts finally appeared. As you can see, not so controversial.
TV, thank you for your reply… I am really happy for you that your life has moved on and you can focus your efforts on more rewarding pursuits than reliving the past. I think you are right that most of the “why’s” will never be answered, especially the why’s that concern *him* , or *us*. All I can do is do some honest soul searching and try to discern where *I* went wrong so I can prevent this from ever happening again. I’ve come to the obvious realization that I really don’t know who I am as a person. I think its an occupational hazzard sometimes for women with children to suffer an identity crisis. I work at home… I don’t fully identify with stay at home mom’s, but don’t identify with the 8-5 crowd either. Additionally, the faith that I grew up with that kept me “grounded” completely fell apart over the past decade. So I wonder if all that created the potential for a perfect storm when you know who arrived on the scene. A comment that Mike left on the Smokin Hot Wife post resonated with me… about how in the emails he found between his wife and her OM, she wasn’t being herself with him. I know that was true for me… I was telling *him* what he wanted to hear, not being myself… bc i lost sight of who I really am. But I know the person I’ve been the past 5 years is not who I am, and I am determined to not let this awful experience define me for the rest of my life. i miss the idea of us being friends, but as painful as it is to admit, we were never real friends in a healthy sense to begin with. it was just worlds colliding, a physical attraction, and nothing deeper than us just liking each other. i guess i should be thankful that i’m spared the pain of having to fall out of love with someone, but I did and still do care about him.
Flattened… I am glad to hear that your marriage is still in tact. and sorry to hear that you have to deal with working with your OW. that has to suck. i am able at least to sever all ties with *him*. i met him through work, but my work has evolved in different directions than his, and i’m able to avoid people we know in common. i’m thankful for that. stay strong!
Angela… please, please be careful. i really hope it works out for you to remain friends but my experience is that its next to impossible. we were on this roller coaster for 5 years, slipping up, feeling awful, then experiencing the rush of the high, not necessarily in that order, but the ups and downs of trying to maintain a tortured friendship has taken its toll on me emotionally, and ultimately, he got caught, and that was that. i always hated when i’d read warnings from other people about stuff like this, thinking we’d be the exception and make our friendship work, so i hope i’m not coming off like an authority on the subject and saying your’s won’t just bc mine didn’t… i really hope you’re the exception to the rule, but if at some point, it just becomes too much effort, i hope you’re able to walk away. walking away on your terms is so much easier than being forced to walk away. trust me on that at least.
Flattened,
So great to hear from you. It seems as though you’re in the same situation. The two of you in the same place of work, feeling the same push-pull. I honestly don’t know how you do it, unless you feel neutrally toward each other. I, myself, would find it incredibly difficult. Good luck out there!
Michele,
Your words resonate, and I’m well aware that this road is fraught with danger. We crossed paths accidentally today, and plan to meet next week. Our dialogue of late has been via email, but our chance encounter and phone call after resurrected feelings of excitement, and I firmly believe it was mutual. That doesn’t change the course of things – I won’t dive into bed with him.
I know what all of you will say at his point…
I hear it…
Fear it…
Need to deal with it…
Will one drink rock the boat???
A.
Hi Angela,
Mutual excitment before a date….Hmmm…Sounds familiar. That was how I felt before our lunch that led straight into our affair. I’d just repeat what I said, be careful. You may be further down the slippery slope than you think. Emotional involvement can end as painfully as the physical one. Not “diving into bed” with him should not be what you aim for, but not opening yourself up for a heartbreak should be the goal. Don’t rely on “his restraint” to control the course of your action or situation, but rely on yours. I read on a blog somewhere, “the one who wants less wins.” I think it’s true. A conversation, a meeting, a call can ease your pain, bring you pleasure, bring back some of the connection and good feelings of the past, at this moment. But, what do they do for your future well-being? Can you keep it at this level? Will you not want more, especially if more than what he wants? Be careful and be prepared.
Oh, without question I’m on a slippery slope. And you’re right – ‘the one who wants less wins’. That’s who one in the first round. Him. We were both pretty equal in our desire to be together, with parameters, but we also had the deal that we’d sever it if there was a hint of suspicion. There was (on his side) and he cut me clean. Mercilessly and clean.
That was then, this is now. We had a long deep freeze. But because the end didn’t come for any other reason than fear of full discovery, we ended on a high note (with a crash). Because there had been no nonsense in the relationship, and it had continued to escalate until that one final day, it is tricky. There are no bad memories to look back on, except the ending. This is dangerous.
Until yesterday, I believed that I may subconsciously want more than he does. After yesterday, I think the reverse may be true. But my reasons for wanting less would simply be to avoid future hurt – not for lack of deep love and respect. I don’t know. But we will find out. Unless one of us wisely pulls the plug on all future contact. But that’s not going to happen.
Shake me up, guys. I need it. We were insanely connected, on every level. It was never just about sex. Yes – this could be dangerous.
What do you want? What level of relationship are you comfortable having with him? Other than being afraid of getting hurt again, do you want to resume the affair? Are you keeping that in the back of your mind as a possibility? If so, what does it take to bring it out to the front? He asking first, making a move first, promising you that he won’t hurt you again? I think what you lost (and should lose) in the “deep freeze” period is trust, at least to some degree. You know that despite what he said he felt about you, he was capable of hurting you. Even though you both agree to cut the relationship if there was suspicion, obviously you were still hurt. And really was there no way he could at least send you a line or a brief phone call from work just to let you know his status at the time and give you that peace of mind so you didn’t have to go through all the agony? Now that the dust has settled, he wants more? I know you guys talked about it and you accepted his answers. But if it were me, at least I learned that he was capable of hurting me like that, not remotely putting my interest even on his radar, then he is capable of doing it again, with a different scenario, a different excuse. Angela, that’s what I was worried about you getting deeper into this. Not about resuming affair – I think if you both can work out something that are acceptable to you morally and practically and keep both of you happy, that’s fine. But just don’t get hurt again. Make sure you pull the plug this time, not him.
Wow, Adrianna -
You provide excellent insight. Everything inside me tells me I could well be on a course of destruction if I further engage. I know it, and so does he. There has been a slow pragmatism to our contact, and we avoid all discussion of ‘what was’. And that is dangerous, too. It’s kind of like nothing happened, in our style of communication, but there’s that enormous white elephant and it needs to be addressed. I’m a fool to think I can be ‘just friends’ with someone I felt so deeply passionately about. I think there’s a powerful reason why we haven’t put ourself together in the same space, more than that one evening back in the winter (in a public space). There were a lot of warm, fuzzy feelings on both sides, and I’d be a fool to presume it wouldn’t go farther next time. And yes, he’s shown me that he has the full capacity to hurt me deeply. I am insane to trust him on any level. You force me to face what I’ve always known. Thanks for this food for thought.
Uh oh…
What happened? Talk to us.
Relapse, you could say. A rather natural flow of events. I’m not surprised. Not shocked. Not overwhelmed. Just taking it all in stride. No drama. No rehashing of the past. Just a wonderful afternoon… as though nothing had ever happened.
Yes, I have my eyes wide open. Not sure what’s next. Oh, hell, who am I kidding.
Fire away…
Adrianna and Angela… I’ve been following both or your posts this past week and finally have a few minutes to reply. Adrianna… I love what you wrote about “the one who wants less wins”. that’s been and will continue to be my mantra. Angela… it sounds like your situation is similar to mine. Comfortably married, but had this on again off again fling with a guy friend to who over time, I developed a pretty strong attachment. We always said we were friends first, and as long as it didn’t affect our real lives, and no one got hurt, we were just having fun. but it was hardly a smooth road… every bump along the road would crush me… every time we’d try to just be friends, i’d have to go through the withdrawal. not bc i wanted more… i really did want to be just friends, but it always seemed like once the brakes would engage, he’d fall off the face of the earth. and just when i’d be over it, he’d come back and fire things up again and i’d get sucked back in. i got sucked back in again around the holidays when i met him out (in a public place) to tell him we were probably moving out of state. my resolve was sky high but no match for his smooth talking and needless to say, we ended up in his car at a park. not one of my prouder moments. i let things heat up again this spring bc I thought we were moving away and figured that would end it. but just a week before what was to be our last time before i leave, his wife found a smoking gun. and just like that it was over. it was brutal and cruel, no conveyed sense of loss over our friendship on his part, nothing. he apologized but that’s not what i needed to hear. i needed to hear that he will miss me as a friend… i can’t help but feel like nothing more than collateral damage in his fucked up love life. so yeah, everything adrianna said is true for me. he has hurt me countless times in the past and is capable of doing it again. reading about your “cooling off” period and subsequent contact and relapse scares the shit out of me. been there, done that, never want to do it again.
so, as my feelings for OM… i was never “in love” with him. but i did think i loved him as a friend. but in hindsight, i don’t even know if that was true. i think perhaps i just really liked him, and the thing i “loved”, was the feeling i got from his attention. in my defense, he chased me hard and i couldn’t say no. and i got to the point where i didn’t want to say no. as for my feelings now, its up and down. some days i hate him for hurting me, for lying to me way back when this started, for making me doubt myself… other days i feel sorry for him, and some days i just miss being able to talk to him casually the way i used to be able to do. but it can never be the same again, and never should have been in the first place.
angela, i hope this guy doesn’t hurt you again. i wish i would have gotten out before i was forced out. being forced out of someone’s life, even when you both know its absolutely necessary, hurts like hell. i’ve been down this road enough to know that after the hurt, i just feel numb, and if i can just get through the numb phase to feeling alive again, i’m home free. but in the past, he’d fire things up again when i was still numb and the excitement of feeling something again was just too tempting to pass up, and the cycle repeats. sound familiar?
i want my life back and to be free from all this. i love my husband and kids and want to be able to deserve them again.
Michelle,
You nail so much of it. The numbness after being forced out. Ours ended with a near exposure on his end, although he loosely sorted out what could have been a major disaster. And yes, the harsh ending was soul-destroying. It took me a long time to recover from that, and when I did recover, I was no longer the same person.
We have peculiar circumstances, which I will never get into in this space, but for whatever reason, they worked – up until the moment he needed to spin his wheels to keep his life together.
Unlike you, I love/loved him in ways I’ve never loved anyone. The good, the bad, the ugly. His honesty of soul (failures as a human being) and brilliance and humor. for whatever reason made him the most compelling person I’ve known. When it ended, I didn’t love him less, and it was always a pragmatic love – a love accepting that he may be nowhere in my life, but that I would never fault him for doing what he had to do to preserve his own existence and mine.
What Adrianna says is right – and it’s also become my mantra. And right now, it rings true. I’m in a better place than I ever was before with him. I have full control of myself and my heart. The vulnerability of the past is long gone, and the person who stands here is well aware that anything could happen. But I also recognize that our bond seems to be impenetrable – and that in all probability, he is someone I’ll likely always know – in some form or another. If we end tomorrow, that will be fine, too. I could well be the one to pull the plug. But it will never be for lack of love or respect.
Of greater importance is the navigation of my own life and family. I don’t have a romantic marriage. We are friends and partners. It will end one day. We don’t talk about the fact that both of us likely seek something elsewhere. We roll along. The question remains, for how long?
Hi Angela… i understand about not leaving too many details here. I too am afraid of divulging too much info. It sounds to me like I am going through what you went through when your OM almost got caught. Only I honestly don’t think my OM will ever contact me again, and there is the big difference too that we weren’t in love. I was however “in like” with him and despite how mad i am at him, I miss being friends with him. I’d give all the rush of the excitement of the affair back a thousand times over if we could just be normal platonic friends again. God knows I tried. He pushed for more and I caved repeatedly, then when push came to shove, he severed all ties with me. when things were going well and we were behaving, its not like we talked every week, or even every month. but it was just nice knowing that I could talk to him at some point and i always enjoyed catching up with. it sucks knowing that i can’t talk to him like that anymore, and sucks even more that I am pretty sure that I miss our friendship more than he does.
i can relate a bit to what you said about your marriage. i do love my husband but we got married so young. i don’t think i will leave now or down the road though. we do have fun together and maybe after the kids are gone, that spark will come back. i see sparks here and there but its hard to see that in the day to day… family life is hardly glamorous or exciting but i’m trying to just find some contentment in all that and accept it for what it is, and count my blessings and not focus on the negatives. easier said than done, i know…
can i ask you a question? is your OM happy with his marriage? if your’s is on the bland side, and if his is too, why can you not get divorced to be together? kids? i’m sorry if that’s too personal of a question. that was never an option for me as i always knew that although i really liked this guy, we’d never work out. we’d both bring too much baggage to the table. its easy to get along with someone when you’re isolated in fantasy land, but i never had any doubts the real world would crush us.
i heard Eric Clapton’s Promises a week or so ago and had to look up the lyrics bc i swear, i could have written them:
I don’t care if you never come home.
I don’t mind if you just
Keep on rowin’away on a distant sea
cuz I don’t love you and you don’t love me.
You cause a commotion when you come to town
You give ‘em a smile and they meet
Having lovers and friends is all good and fine
But I don’t like yours and you don’t like mine.
I don’t care what you do at night oh
I don’t care how you get your delights
We’ll leave it alone
We’ll just let it be
I don’t love you and you don’t love me.
I got a problem
Can you relate?
I got a woman
Callin’ love hate.
We made a vow
we’d always be friends.
How could we know that promises end.
I tried to love you for years upon years
But you refuse to take me for real
It’s time you saw what I want you to see
That I’d still love you if you’d just love me.
Hi Angela and Michele,
I’m glad that we can provide each other some support through this. Angela, you definitely sound more in control this time. As I said before, I’m not worried about you relapsing, but worried about you getting hurt again.
The practical way to look at this is to take away what you enjoy from this relationship – friendship, passion, filling emotional void, etc., but leave behind the hurt. The problem is that not everyone can keep so rational and cool about it. When you love someone and passionate about someone, you always want more, more time together, more commitement. In order not to get hurt, one has to be realistic about the situation. For example your situation, neither of you wants to break up your families. As a matter of fact, at least he would do anything, including breaking your heart to keep his family intact. You don’t sound very eager to leave your M either, even though you said that it’s not great. Given that, there’s almost no chance that you will end up in an open relationship barring some unforseeable natural disaster that will get rid of both of your spouses.
So to keep this friendship/affair going, you have to be mentally prepared for any bad outcomes – he will disappear again, if there is a d-day, you will go from the love of his life to the worst mistake of his life, your H may find out and your M may break up, etc. Will you get burned if you play with fire? Sure. Ideally, you will enjoy the warmth and not get burned, but not everyone is that lucky. Will you be hurt again when you are burned? Sure. But if this time you bring your first aid kit with you, and apply the ointment and pain killers right away, you will hurt less and heal faster. That’s all what I am saying.
Did you guys talk about what next? To lesson the uncertainty and anxiety, maybe you should talk about a plan. I think half in half out of an affair/friendship is painful. You don’t fully communicate as in a full blown affair but you expect more than just a friendship. That cause a lot of second guessing, thus anxiety and uncertainty.
Sorry – not time to respond in detail to either of you, but in short…
He is not involved anymore. At this point in time, we are not playing with fire. We have always kept things neat and tidy, and due to his insane schedule, we don’t meet often. I’m not in a position to be hurt, emotionally again. The near-discovery was my fault (freakish blip) and I bear that responsibility and accept the blame, where due. it was a cluster-fuck, but he slapped a bandaid on it and did what he needed to do. His kids are grown, so that isn’t an issue on his side.
No, the real issues now are, how we keep this on track. Only time will tell, but I, for one, am different now. I’m harder. Less fragile. Even more accepting of parameters, and acutely aware that my marital status could eventually one day put the nail in the coffin. But neither of us are viewing it as anything more than what it is: An exceptional arrangements between two friends.
Hi Michele and Adrianna,
His relationship is no longer of real concern in the equation, and his kids are grown. There won’t be any D-days from his side. But will the two of us ever be together in a traditional way? No. Our lives are too complicated to ever imagine such a scenario. I don’t know how best to describe our relationship. I can’t really say ‘affair’. It’s not classic in that way, and never was. We’ve always kept our barometers in check, and had a magnificent friendship. There was nothing flighty or dangerous. We were/are pragmatic and mindful of what it can and can’t be.
I feel immune, in some ways. It was the kind of friendship neither of us saw ending, until the ugly ‘near’ discovery day. It was my error – my fault – and he had to do a lot of skillful manoeuvering – for a while. The relationship seems to be all but over. Suffice to say, there won’t be further issues on his end. Mine – well, that’s a different story.
Look, I don’t know where this is going. I didn’t expect we’d end up here. We both lead exceptionally busy lives, and have accepted long absences due to intense travel on both sides. I’m pragmatic at this point in time. Just taking things one day at a time. Haven’t seen him since last week, and won’t, as I’ll be traveling. That’s the story of our lives. No time to pine away – we just take it in stride.
Right now, I’m trying to figure out what’s the matter with me, that I view any of this as all right. It’s not all right. My moral compass has been severely skewed over time. Damn it.
When I say ‘the relationship is all but over’, I mean that his relationship is all but over. I guess that comes as no surprise.
Angela, for the love of fucking god. Are you seriously that self-centered? Do me a favor and read through all your previous posts. Me me me me me me me. How do you think your husband and kids would feel if they found out? If you really, truly put yourself in their shoes, you would feel regret, sorrow and remorse like no other. That is, if you really forced yourself to think of others for once. But then again, having gone through the same selfish and narcissistic path as you have myself once upon a time, I see no reason why you should be able to attain the same level of clarity yourself as needed. If this was possible and easy most of the time, I suppose most of us would not even visit this blog in the first place. God be with all of you.
I never considered what I had with OM an “affair” either. we always tried to keep it in check, knowing it could go anywhere more than us being friends with occasional benefits. But I suspect over time, I valued our friendship more than he did, and he valued the benefits more than I did.
I’ve been struggling the past few days. I know he is lying his ass off to his girlfriend right now (i know I said wife earlier but was trying to not leave too many details, but screw it). Recreating the past 6 years, deleting me out of it as much as he can to save his relationship. I don’t blame him for that but it hurts to be deleted, and at least he has her to talk to about this since she knows a small fraction of what happened. The more times he lies to her that I meant nothing, the more he’ll believe that himself, assuming he didn’t already think that. I have to suffer in silence, having to hide all this hurt from the world. I never wanted anything from him romantically, I just wanted our friendship to stay in tact, for us to be able to smoothly transition out of the friends with benefits stage so he can move on with his girlfriend and I can live my life the way its meant to be lived. Every time I’d try to talk to him about this the past year, he’d do whatever he could to avoid having that conversation.
I know what you mean about your moral compass being skewed… I have no idea how or why I let myself get so screwed up. I’m traveling a lot right now too. I won’t be home for 6 weeks and I’m hoping by the time I get back, I will be in a better place. I am so tired of him invading my thoughts at the most inconvenient times. Before he got busted and life was humming along, I really didn’t think about him much during the course of the day. I just went about my business. I read somewhere, probably on here, that the minute you can’t have someone, there’s a chemical reaction in your brain that makes you feel like you lost the love of your life. I suspect that’s what’s going on with me, bc he was NOT the love of my life. addiction, yes. physical attraction, yes. strong like, absolutely. I wish I could forget I ever met him.
why do i always notice typos after i hit “post comment”.
i meant to say “knowing it couldN’T go anywhere more than us being friends with occasional benefits”.
@Little.
How wonderful that you are no longer a narcissistic bitch like me. Thank goodness you aren’t a fallible human being any longer. Congrats for being on the flip-side of morality. I’m wondering what draws you here… those old narcissistic thoughts making a come-back?
You know nothing of my life, my marriage, or my circumstances – other than what I’ve posted here.
Marriages look different to different people. For some people, they become highly utilitarian – a partnership that is maintained for a variety of reasons. And in some of those marriages, people do things that the majority may not agree with. You know nothing of my husband’s understanding of our marriage, or his own personal views on fidelity.
But I accept and appreciate your harsh criticism. And something tells me that if you hadn’t been outed in your own life (suspecting you were) you wouldn’t be sitting on your high horse now. But post away. I’d like to hear more of what makes you a better citizen.
@little – I meant ‘flip side of immorality’.
Hi Michelle,
I also hope that your six weeks away give you some peace and clarity. Six years is a long time to have lived in the limbo you were in. It seems like time to break free from it all, and make a fresh start in your life, without dwelling on the carnage. Difficult to impossible, I know.
The best advice I can possibly give you is to push thoughts of what he’s saying to her or doing with her from your mind. He’s carrying his own guilt in this, and whatever is going on in that house, can’t be rosy, either. Like all of us, he’s made his bed and he’s lying in it.
Hi Angela, Thank you for the encouragement. And 6 years sounds a lot worse than what it was… I should clarify that it was on and off for 6 years, and only physical for 3 years, again, on and off. But the frustration of trying to maintain a friendship with with this guy has been going on for 6 years. But regardless, you are right. I need to focus on other things and not concern myself with what he may or may not be thinking. its over and done, and i know eventually, i will be infinitely better for it being over. i’m starting to think that he is toxic. not a toxic person, but just toxic to me. and speaking of me, me, me…
@little… in defense of myself, angela, and every other cheater on this blog, the comments we leave on here are not the sum of who we are. yes, we are all a bit selfish to have fallen prey to affairs in the first place, but in order to heal from them, a great deal of introspection is needed. so if it comes off as self centered, then i’m sorry. all of us feel horribly guilty and deal with that guilt in our own ways. for me personally, i like this blog in that i can vent some of my innermost thoughts no matter how selfish and deal with them rather than repress them, and hopefully, come out on the other side a less selfish and more thoughtful person who won’t fall prey to the seductiveness of affairs again. but i do appreciate any constructive criticism… its a good reality check. but please don’t judge too harshly and criticize just for the sake of criticizing. thank you kindly… michele
Hey Michelle,
I have a weird and sinking feeling that if your relationship has been off and on for 6 years that it may not be over yet. Lasha, who used to post here, has been on and off with her OM for over 15 years, I think. Many times (if my memory serves me correctly) they were done-done, like you. If you truly want to break the pattern, you really will need to find a way to remove him from your thoughts. Again, easier said than done.
I hope you’re doing a lot of things for yourself – working out, seeing friends, spending time with your family and trying to remove as far from the affair mindset as is humanly possible. As you already know, it is a very slippery slope.
I didn’t have to fall into my own situation again, but as Little so sweetly and eloquently pointed out, I was thinking of ‘me, me, me’. But that ‘me’ thing is also a loaded gun. Without question there is a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ going on – and I suspect on both sides.
It makes for tough decisions when there are kids involved – to tear down the marriage and put them in a shared custody situation, to go forward in the marriage with a gaping hole, or to quietly fill it. People do just this – the world over, and it is quietly accepted. Look at the French, some South American cultures, the Japanese.
Marriage looks very different to different people. Most are highly traditional, but not all.
Hi Angela, did I read correctly that you and you’re OM had no contact for 7 months? i am afraid you might be right about my situation, but I am not sure if it would be months or years. I don’t know, maybe never. I really feel like its “done-done” this time… I know he loves his gf and wants to live happily ever after with her, but i’ve thought its been over and done in the past too. i really have to break free from this. our situations seem similar in a lot of ways, but the big glaring difference is there was no love or deep respect in my situation. i wish i could go into detail to explain further but am afraid to do so here. anyway, besides the hurtful fact that he just used me and took advantage of me being lonely, i have a lot of professional reasons for wanting him out of my life for good.
i feel for you… the kids, feeling empty in a marriage… mine may not be as far down that road but its far enough that i can empathize. I viewed my situation the same way… quietly filling a hole, just trying to get by until the kids are off on their own, then finally have the time to decide how to either make my marriage better or leave it. Flawed thinking on my part, bc i keep getting burned. So i’m trying to fill that hole with something less destructive. like yoga. i also need to start running again. i haven’t run since d-day. i guess its a good sign that I’m feeling up to it again.
what’s the latest with you? have you seen OM? hope all is well.
Michelle – you could get my email address from TV if you like. I’m sure he has a way to do that, if you ask him.
Hi Angela, actually email me at micheled179@gmail.com from whatever email is safe for you… Thanks!
Hi All,
If you well and truly want out, then No Contact is the way to go. If you break down those barriers, it’s all over. The lack of self restraint you showed in the past will return in full force.
I’m right back in it, and it is a very scary place to be. None of the answers are pretty.
Hi Angela,
Thanks for the sobering reminder that friendship after an affair is a fantasy, which from time to time I still have. Hope you have found some comfort or answers you were looking for in this re-engagement with your MM. Most of all, hope you learned from your last round of engagement to protect yourself well from future possible hurt. Will be here if you need any support.
Thanks, Adrianna,
I don’t feel vulnerable to the hurt as I did in the past. There is much clarity now, and the time apart has served us well. Well, I could say that if we were two single people looking for a wonderful, understanding relationship. But we’re not. I am starting to better understand TV, UOTI and all of you who have gone before me.
It is not my own heart I fear breaking, but those of others around me. Unfortunately, the problems in communication have been cleared up, and we’re back in it with greater depth of understanding.
Nothing I’m proud of.
hello all my fellow members in this corner of hell,
tv how ya doing?? good i hope, and hope you will give us an update on your life soon. i have been following this blog with an increased interest the last month. and after silently lurking , decided it was time to give a little advice to you guys. now alot of you may ask who the hell does she think she is to give US advice? well go back and read this blog and you can find out ALL my history. this blog should be required reading for anyone thinking about having or in the middle of or trying to end or having been dumped in the affair. anyway for my advice, you all are all fucking crazy if you think you can have just a friendship with your now ex MM or MW. now how do i know this for sure????? because i have had an affair with my MM for almost sixteen years now and yes it is once agin back on and we are very happy for now. this after two ddays on my side, i finally ended my marriage rathr than put my husband through catching me a third time. one dday on his side thanks to me finally in desperation wanting to end it forever calling hs wife ad saying you need to talk to your husband she recognized my voice he was at a convention she calls and he confesses tato being with m eone time although sh eknew we had been sumored to have been together years earlier. well she forgives him and he is rathr pised at .me … fast forward one year later on the anniversary of hs dday he and i are in a otel making love and telling each other we love each other… how did this happen you ask???? because we thought we could be friends…. just friends…. no matter how bad you have treated the other one you try the friends routine and you will end up fucking like rabbits again…. i can guarantee it. so if you REALLY want out of your past present or future pain and yes you will have pain it never gets any better just worse…. then do the NC NO CONTACT. it is th eonly way. i have hesitated to tell this story because i am afraid it will give some o fyou that are hurting the hope that you can get back togther my MM was very sorry he got caught but not one bit sorry he cheated… he now is not trusted he hears about me on a weekly basis, his life is miserable that happens after a dday and i will be in a rom with him tomorrow night and he will go home to his wife, they ALWAYS go home and they allways will. my life would be so much bettr if one of us could stick to the NC, but we are friends… i wish all of you the best and hope the pain gets better soon, it really does get bettr i had a five year break no NC and you do get past t… but one day an email was sent cause we anted to be friends… etc etc etc
Lahsha,
I hear your advice loud and clear. The image of multiple ddays, divorce, 16 years of on and off affair with a MM! No, I don’t want any part of that. I’ve affirmed my decision to never, ever contact my xMM. The question is, knowing the consequences or have experienced the consequences of an affair, why do you or anyone who keeps going back into it do it? Not judging or criticizing, but to mentally prepare myself if any future temptation comes up, so if I start to have the same justification/thought process to lead me back into an A, I’ll stop myself.
Is it the fact that life without the MM is worse than having short moments of high with him sporatically? Was/is your marriage so dysfunctional/dull that the potential risk/heartbreak is overlooked or justified? Or is A simply an addiction for you that you cannot shake? Do you only care about the short term highs and pleasure and not think about/care about the long term consequences? Are you happy where you are in the A? What’s the future you see for you and your MM? Maybe the answer is that you are not happy, but the alternative without MM is worse, so you took this option. But can you really not do better for yourself, put yourself in a happier, more hopeful situation than the one you are in now? What can you do to improve/change the situation? – these questions are not directed at you, Lahsha, but anyone who is reading/lurking, who is in an A or have gone back to an A.
Just food for thoughts.
I am a very attractive well built woman with a greatr career and wonderful family, I am in this affair because i CHOOSE to be not because I cant do any better. I love my MM he loves me he risks everything for me,I am happy living single… after alll these ye4ars he and I are at the place we know what works for us. I date other people and if I find the right one I would end this affair. I came on this blog to try and help some of you that are, it was a mistake instead I am asked can i really not do better fo rmyself How insulting a question. I wont try to help anyone here again. Good Luck to all of you,
After nearly two years of this, I am in a really sad place. Seems like I am in the same sad place as many of those here. Met a wonderful boy, fell very hard, talked about leaving, talked about getting married. And, in the end, I don’t think he can do it. He says he can’t. But at the same time, he also won’t let me go. I am only so strong. Keep going back. Hate the cycle. Start to hate myself for putting myself out there. Jeopardizing my marriage and family. And for what? The mere possiblity that he might choose me? The story, though so personal and heartbreaking, is strikingly similar to the experience of others. I actually think he is unhappier at home, but if I am honest with myself, I don’t think he’ll ever leave. Ever. Though he will break my heart every day … for the rest of my life, if I let him. So why do I let him? I’ve moved away, thankfully my job (a professional and one fully incompatible) with such behavior. TV you are right … society rejects the hell out of this type of thing. But, so many people seem to get drawn in. While the physical is mind blowing, the emotion connection is stronger. TV, Angela, Michelle I’ve read your words for months and have found great comfort. Thank you. TV did you ever contemplate marrying your girl? Would you have left your wife or do you think you would have ultimately chosen to stay with your family? Hard for me as when I started this, I made the commitment to myself that I’d only do it if I was prepared to leave. And, I was. How can someone do that? Leads to self loathing at times … how could I be such a terrible wife and mother? Things were bad at home … (not getting beaten) but neglected. Now they are much better but my heart has been given to another and I cannot seem to get it back. Putting 100s of miles between us is not working. Why does he continue to tell me he loves me and wants me, but can’t be with me. How do I end this … more accurately … I do I get to a place where I want to end this? Who knew love (or lust) could result in so much physical pain and anxiety. Depression. Saddness. And, all self inflicted. TV do you have any words left? Have you moved on or are you just growing tired of returning to the emotional same place? Worry that you are all too right … I will never love as intensely as I once did. Sad … Sad … Sad.
Wantsomethingbetter, thanks for your comment. Sorry your circumstances have brought you here. Yes, this is a sad place. Anyone who has posted here will tell you that. Do yourself a favor: don’t beat yourself up with the guilt of your affair. What happened…happened, and a lot of people get sucked into this. But I will say this, I am very familiar with the behavior of your ex. He wants both worlds, and is unwilling to give up either. I think that’s a common trait with men. My wife always said I “wanted my cake and eat it too.” She was right. I was perfectly comfortable (at the time) with the notion of having a wife and lover. Would I have left my wife? Yes, no, maybe. I was pretty unstable at the time. But mostly, I was selfish. I didn’t care how my affair affected others, including my family. I wanted what I wanted, and the older posts on this blog prove it. As for you, based on what I’ve learned over the past four years, I don’t think you will ever be truly happy in your marriage. But I also believe that your ex-lover is NOT the man for you either. As you’ve pointed out, he is unwilling, as are most men, to take the action necessary to bring the two of you together. So he’s a lost cause and, therefore, a waste of your time.
Trust me when I say, you will love again. Everyone who’s been through an affair thinks they won’t, but it’s not true. It just won’t be with the person who’s caused all this grief in your life. Ex-lovers are tainted. They are damaged goods. At this stage of my life, I can honestly say that I’m glad things didn’t work out between me and my ex. Now that the “fog” has lifted and I see what she’s become (I may blog about this someday), I’m damn glad she kicked me to the curb. As for me and my wife, we are unofficially separated now. By “unofficially,” I mean we haven’t gone through the court process. It’s too early to know how things will turn out, but I have to say…..I feel free! I am free of a wife who thinks I’m a piece of shit, and I’m free of an ex-lover who is now living a lie…and wants the whole world to believe this lie.
Relax. Take a breath. It’s not the end of the world. And for God’s sake, get rid of your selfish, two-timing boyfriend.
wantsomethingbetter – I totally agree with TV, lose the boyfriend he’s poison. Lose the lover and then you can clearly decide whether you want to rescue the marriage fairly or whether it’s time to end it.
TV – not quite the update on your life I was hoping to hear man, damn sorry things haven’t worked out between you and missus TV! My xap is a carbon copy of yours mate (without the bipolar) I just found out from a friend (and no I wasn’t fishing for info!) that my xap is expecting her 1st child by the very man she claimed not to have loved and all the usual affair bullshit usually spouted by one or both participants in this type of relationship. Hard to say how this news has effected me. No offence but I’m hoping that my circumstances don’t completely mirror yours though as I’m still hopeful of rescuing some part of my marriage, a tall ask I know but hope springs eternal….
As always I wish you well in this brave new world for you
take care UOTI
TV, wish you all the best.
You never know how you helped me on my “case”.
Lhasha,
Don’t stop posting. I’m not Adrianna, but I think she was speaking from a place deep in her heart, trying to make sense of a 16 year affair. It’s difficult for any of us to comprehend, and you serve wise words of warning.
Look at me – I’m right back in it. But I think that what has always set my peculiar little situation apart from many of the others here is the strong level of control we have. We refuse to utter scary words. We don’t do regular contact. We simply enjoy the time we have, when we have it, and share deeply on many levels when we can. But it doesn’t permeate our daily lives. It’s taken incredible self-restraint on both sides, but we both know what we don’t ever want: Drama.
At the end of the day, fate will determine where we land. Fate or a slip-up.
None of it is to be proud of, but it is human behavior.
In getting back to Adrianna’s comments to Lhasha – I need to say that I’ve also wondered. At times in your posts you’ve talked about alienation and misery, issues with your family, etc. Given the the length of time, and all of that, I simply don’t know why he doesn’t leave his wife for you. You’ve got far more patience than I!
TV and UOTI thanks for responding. You feel like friends. Advice is sometimes hard to follow but I a trying. Poison. Yish. Gulp. My head knows that you speak the honest truth. My heart, which has not been my own for so long, fights such a conclusion. As I’ve lived with my “secret” for so long, it was both hard to share my feels and maybe harder to hear the truth. The “fog” as you’ve called it still so muddles my thinking. Though I am not sure how I love someone who won’t commit to me. The memories, the association, the intensity. I miss him so. I miss him still. We laughed a lot. Had great chemistry. Enjoyed each other’s company. Could talk for hours … every day … It is hard to give up. I feel lonely without him. Sometimes, I just feel very sad and rejected that he wants to move forward and live his life without me. I’d always imagined that these were the emotions and concerns of someone in their 20’s …. to deal with this in my 40’s. I’m ill equipped for the emotional rollercoaster. I am glad you say it gets better. That is about all I have to go on these days. I am trying to believe. TV, having read your blog for a while, I have mixed emotions about your news. Your wife’s religious spring always seemed to conflict with your views. She seemed so angry but not really willing to comfort you and try to work on the marriage. Affairs are a betrayal but usually, as I am finding out, we are led to them when our needs are not being met. What do I know? I am just a wreck of a person. But, I am glad you feel free to find happiness or something new. I love your writing. Sharp, funny, right on. Please keep writing. How are you dealing with your kids? That is the kicker isn’t it. UOTI … should be able to figure out the acronym …. You’ve been at this a while too. What is missing in your marriage. I want to focus on my family and not fall into the trap of another affair. Hate that word. Never wanted to be that girl. Though the guy I was with would marry me. Stupid, huh? But, it seems that responsibility often wins out over love. I still believe in love … just wish it did not hurt so freaking much. This is a killer.
WSB – the emotional roller coaster you’re on now is nothing compared to the incredibly awful roller coaster disaster that comes with a D-day (discovery day) you don’t believe me? or don’t want to believe me? then read TV’s blog again then try mine and then a couple of others for the reality that is d-day…… do yourself a big favour and I mean a really big favour put this guy in the rear view mirror! It will be hard, incredibly hard but you will really, really, really regret allowing this to follow it’s natural conclusion…
I wish you well
UOTI (Uglyontheinside)
Should be able to find your blog link, but could you provide it? Had a “near miss” many months ago. I get it … but suppose I don’t fully appreciate the consequences of playing with fire. Sometimes I wonder if I just want out of my marrage and am using this is a means to and end. Like the name, though I am not sure it fits. — WSB
just click on the UOTI label above should take you through to it, but brace yourself though it isn’t pretty hence the rather apt name. My quick advice to you though would be this – if you want out of the marriage then do it right; ditch the lover, take a good hard look at your marriage with an unskewed perspective (affairs cloud judgement believe me) and then if you still need to then file for divorce. Don’t try to end your marriage by killing the spirit of your husband which is what discovery will do…..
test
Glad you warned me … though sobering, your blog is a good — albeit difficult read. Eye opening in many ways. For most of my life, I’ve lived by a simple code of doing the right thing. Never have I wondered so far off course. No one would ever imagine that I was invovled in something like this … most would find it shocking. At times I find it shocking. Not sure how I got to this place. Sometimes don’t even know myself. Justification only gets you so far. I have more reading to do, UOTI, but you sound like a good person who made bad choices. If your wife loves you, she needs to embrace you for who you are … human. I appreciate your advice. Do it right. Like many, I’m becoming cynical about marriage. It is a tough institution. We are told to study hard, go the best schools, find a man, wear the white dress. But, no one tells you about how hard it is sometimes. I will keep reading …. and you keep writing. WSB
WSB – doing the right thing is sometimes very tricky to pull off given that (most) human beings are imperfect emotional beings. The path to this kind of damnation is paved with all sorts of poor decisions and temptations and yes essentially I am a good person – I’m an active and loving parent, I work hard and I volunteer my free time to support my local community, I was a fairly decent husband (once), I pay my taxes and I vote…… yet still I made poor decisions and life got turned upside down and inside out. Just make sure you remember you are good person too and try to start making the right decisions and make sure that they are the right decisions for you!
Keep reading, keep working through it. Sorry I don’t write much anymore, I’m about spent on what I can say but thats not to say I won’t respond….
take care
UOTI
Lahsha,
I was surprised that you found my questions insulting as I absolutely had no such intention at all. I was in the same boat as you, just shorter in length. Why would I insult you? Those were some questions came naturally from reading your post. Can you do better? Can you make yourself happier? – These are logical questions to ask if you are not completely happy with your situation, and your post certainly did not give me the sense of complete happiness. In fact, you answered these questions yourself by saying “my life would be so much bettr if one of us could stick to the NC”, or “I date other people and if I find the right one I would end this affair. ” You don’t look around and prepare to leave if you didn’t at least subconsciously know that you can do better. Anyway, just wanted to clarify that my questions were for thoughts and what I asked myself while reading your post. If you find them insulting, just ignore them. No need to get defensive.
Hi Angela,
You sounded like you are quite in control this time. You are right. These are all human behaviors. We walk our own paths. No story is the same, including affairs. Trial and error, we will find what’s right for ourselves. I imagine the difficult part about your situation is the balance. You obviously have strong feelings for each other (I won’t use scary words, either). How do you control that? With those feelings, it’s hard not to want more. I only say that because it was this wanting more led me to my dday. I wish you well. Like you said, fate will determine where we will land.
Adrianna – Your questions … yes, no, all of the above. Depends on the day of the week. What I had for breakfast. My mood. These circumstances make me, how shall I put it — edgy? The highs are so high. The lows have made me curl into the fetal position. Tears can come at inappropriate moments. My marriage was not so bad to seem to justify my “misconduct.” Sometimes I think I just don’t want to be married. But, UOTI is right, one needs to do the right thing. But, knowing what is right and doing it … two different things. Easy to talk the talk as they say. I’m addicted to my guy. Truly and completely. But, I love everything about him. We’d exist happily in the real world … if we were not lost in fantasyland. Was I happy in the A? (Hate that word). Sometimes. When I’m with him. His touch can overshadow the deepest doubt and allow me to justify almost anything. He makes me feel beautiful, alive, special. He is the one. But, I don’t think I get to have him. At least not in this life. Do I want something better? Sure. But I am trapped in a cycle of self loathing …. separate. Miss him. Contact him. The high. The crushing low. Self loathing. Repeat …. Working to fix that. Moved far away. Yet the cycle continues. What can I do to improve the situation? Quit the BS. Move on. Live a more honest life. Live with my real husband in the real world. Stop the instanity. But, anyone who has been down this path knows that talk is cheap. Though I am getting stronger every day. I want something better. Just not always sure what this is sometimes. But, it is certainly not living like I do. — WSB
A request for TV … Pleassssssssssse kindly post something … if not because your words are always soothing and spot on — but also because the number of comments (257!) makes navigating the thread so challenging. Not complaining of course …. just making a special request.
Hi WSB,
I understand your situation and feelings. Like making any major life decisions, the first question is – do you know what you want? What’s your goal? What are trying to achieve in the end? A lot of people in affairs may say, I don’t know. I know that A is not good for me, but my marriage isn’t great either. Without the A, my life may feel even more miserable – a marriage lack of passion, communication, sex, whatever, on top of that, I’ll be missing my MM like crazy. The moments with MM feel so great. How can I let this go? Thus, the situation continues…staying status quo, because you have no better answers to how to improve the situation. Then when you are not with MM, the feeling of guilt, not able to completely have MM, but not really completely present in your real life just eats you up. It’s a balance of misery and pleasure.
The answer to your question – when will I know to get out of the A? When will I stop? – is when the balance tips. When the anxiety, guilt, feeling a life torn apart, not present in the real life overwhelms the pleasue and comfort you get from your MM. If the balance tips towards pleasure, you won’t quite stop yet. It will also stop if you know the answers to my first questions – you know what you want. You have a goal to achieve. Of course, it can happen any time if a dday comes unexpectedly.
From your post, it seems that you already know what you want – stop the A and get back to your real life. Is that true? If so, what’s stopping you from making a plan to get there? I know it’s easier said than done. But if you don’t start to make a plan or take steps towards it, when will you ever get to the goal? Think about what will make you happy. Maybe the answer is not your marriage, but is the A the answer? If not, then it is the first step towards your future happiness. Like UOTI said, you have to take care of A and marriage separately. A is not a solution to an unhappy marriage. You have to reevaluate your marriage when you are out of the A, fog-free.
Maybe you still have hopes that you will end up with your MM. Think about this possibility practically. If you are still both married at this stage (couple of years in A?), then likely neither of you is making realistic plans to get out of your marriages to be together. If you will not end up together, then this will end someday. Do you want to be in control of the ending? IMO, the ender fares better than the endee because at least the ender makes an active decision and does not have to deal with the feeling of rejection and humiliation. The enders tend to heal better and faster. If you know the outcome, then why waste any more of your real life time in this hopeless endeavor? Why risking a dday and cause more heartache all around? Why let fate take control of you rather than controlling your own fate?
Think what’s best for you in the long run. Don’t let short term pain stop you from your long term happiness. Make a decision and do something to improve your situation.
Best,
Adrianna
That was a powerful post, Adrianna. I’m still ingesting it.
When I consider your comments about enders fairing better than endees, I think of myself. I was the endee, and it felt horrendous for months on end. I’m back in it (in our own contained way, with heavy parameters) and I know that when I stepped back through the door, I considered, ‘I have power now. If this ends again, it will be on my terms’. Unless, of course, there is a D-Day.
D-Day. That very word makes me feel sick to my stomach, despite the fact that it would come as little to no surprise under my roof, and perhaps not even change the current status of my marriage.
Go figure.
I too am digesting your message Adrianna. Do you know what I want? I entered this naively … thinking my MM was fun, sweet, sexy … did not know that I’d fall in love. Or that over 16 months after taking for hours on end, sending 1000s of emails and texts, pictues, poems …. that I’d be trapped in a raging emotional affair …. that the physical, when we could be together, would be so overwhelming powerful that crack could be easier to give up. We are in an odd state of limbo. We in someways have a fantasy marraige built more on the day to day communication than the physical. It would be perfection except for the fact that he’s married …. and not likely to leave. And, we cannot let go. The endee/endor phenomenon seems to have melted into a sad state of: having found you I really don’t want anyone else. But, how do I blow up my life to get there? How do you justify the carnage and collateral damage. Many days I am selfish enough to do it. Other days I hate my MM and my husband for conspiring to make me so miserable. It is irrational and unfair. But, I was ill equipped to deal with the emtion. Ill equipped still. Read that we are in a state of “limerance” …. a state of attraction fueld by the high of an affair …. But, I do really love my MM. Think
he is the one. Can I get over him? Move on? Maybe … but if I am really honest, I want to be with him. I want a chance to know him in real life. Probably the most stupid and crazy admission … but I do. So what’s a girl to do?
WSB,
You are on an exceptionally dangerous path. Your affair seems to be well out of control, and it must be severely impacting your marriage and kids, if you have any.
There are varying degrees of involvement in affairs, and you are correct when you say that yours is like crack. You are addicted. It’s impossible for you to see the forest through the trees. Read about love – about the various types of love and what they mean. It sounds like yours is a chemical love, and that does end. You also seem to be on a clear path to destruction. If you don’t break the cycle, when reality hits, the highest high will be the lowest low.
Tread softly. Consider how you’d feel if you were exposed. And if you don’t fear for yourself, ask yourself this: How much do you love your MM? If you love him as deeply as you say, then you could pull back so that his reputation and family aren’t destroyed.
Angela – a part of what you just posted really struck me. The bit about his family; they are the bit that we desperately try not to think about huh! what would a D-day do to them? I know what a dday did to my wife – it damn near killed her and has certainly killed off a part of her. I thank god that my children haven’t been dragged into this as well although at times it came very close and that would have killed the last spark in my wifes eyes, mine too. I tried to never give my xAP’s husband a thought either, he was a decent man and didn’t deserve to be dragged through the mud. All these innocents who didn’t have a choice but to be pulled into this destructive and ultimately selfish kind of relationship. I was just the same, I allowed my affair to happen and I allowed myself to act selfishly and irresponsibly.
just a thought
UOTI
I am also irresponsible and selfish, and my only consolation is that we are freakishly careful. Our communication is scant. We rarely text, talk or email. We don’t meet if there is a remote chance that there will be any red flags – and those meetings are occasional. We don’t walk around in a love-sick haze. We go about our lives and work, without obsessing about the relationship or the other party. My BF suffered a near-bust, a year ago. We didn’t see each other for ten months. His safety is a top priority for me, as is mine. I love him too much to wish to see he, his loved ones or his reputation suffer as a result of our liaisons. From day one, we put parameters on it. Without them, we’d have found ourselves in the typically dramatic situation, living in a state of obsession, awaiting a D-Day.
Angela, there’s no defense or good response to what you say. You speak the truth. Though our perspectives are different, our experiences are similar. Anyone who does what we do is on pretty much the same destructive path I am gathering. Though without sounding too defensive you seem to write in judgment — which I didn’t really expect having read your responses and advice to others. I’ve always wanted a more honest and permanent relationship. But, here I am. Got in over my head and was naive. That said, I accept responsiblity for what I do and will bear any consequences. Lke you and UOTI I struggle a lot with the possiblity of collateral damage. I’d never expose MM gratuitously or for retribution. I just met him too late. Lives are so complicated. Not sure how to move forward … or how to go back. Your connection to MM seems based on the temporal. Have you accepted that your MM adds to your life but there is no fantasy of a future together in the open? Maybe the “arrangement” works for you? But, I want more. A plus one doesn’t work. We might get there one day but we might not. This blog makes me less than optimistic I’m ridiculously careful … except with my heart, which gets bashed most of the time. Keeping this special secret lost its thrill long ago. It’s really more of a burden. But, I bear it well. I’ve become a full time student of types of love; the problems with affairs; the concerns that come if you actually get what you want. I’d be happy with my guy. I am just not sure I will ever get the chance. That is the very sad part.
Having reread this thread I realize there are many paths on the way to the inferno. Katherine, your posts so resonated with me. I’d be interested to know how you are doing and if things are getting better. I guess we all suffer from the human condition. You captured my experience and thougths though more eloquently. Would love an update. Preferably something hopeful … but really the truth will do just fine. -wsb
Hi WSB,
Reading Angela’s post, I don’t think she is passing judgment but more sending you an alert/warning and tell you to be careful.
I see your situation from a practical POV. It is clear that you want to be with your MM and wish that you could meet him earlier. But the fact is that neither of you is single and to move ahead, you have to assess your feelings and hopes outside of the affair bubble. Sure it would be nice if both of your spouses just disappear and you can be together now. You probably will be happy and compatible. But what are the chances that your spouses will be abducted by aliens or beg you for a divorce out of blue or be hit by a car, at the same time? Seriously, you say that you are hoping you will have a chance with him in real life someday. Do you have any plan on how you will get there other than depending on unlikely chance or fate or some natural disaster? In order for you to be together, there has to be active decisions made and willingness to carry out the decision, and most importantly carry through with your decision with action. Have you ever talked about a practical plan to be together? Of course, the first step has to be that both of you actually want this. If you are saying that MM is unsure, then you really don’t even have the plan stage.
After you think through and evaluate your situation, if your conclusion is that it is unlikely in the practical sense that you will be together, then maybe you need to reevaluate your feelings for each other. Well said by TV in this post, “That your affair was NOT the romance of the century. If it was, you wouldn’t still be married to your spouse, and your ex-lover wouldn’t still be married to theirs.” If you truly love him beyond anything in your life and he you, you would have or will take actions despite any obstacles to be together. I failed that test. I went all the way from planning to carrying out the plan, but failed at carrying through. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do that to my DH in the end. I concluded that I never really truly loved my xMM, at least not enough. Can you? Can your MM?
If your answer is no, then again for practical purposes, you need to work on a plan to cut your losses. Prolonging the inevitable will just bringing you more pain in the future. If you can’t carry out the action to bring changes so you can be together with your MM, then make a plan to end it. Being in limbo is the worst place. The only way that you can be content in your situation is if you decide that you don’t want more. You are happy with what you have, and think that having a part of him is better than none at all. Then accept the situation and be content. But you already said that you want more, which make the situation unstable and you unhappy. So accept your situation, work with your feelings, or take some action.
Adrianna is right. I wasn’t passing judgment. I wanted to shock you. I read your story, and it all seems so close to the edge. When people feel that passionately about those who aren’t their spouses, and those feelings permeate every aspect of life, something’s gotta give: The marriage or the affair. When we reach that obsessive state, we no longer care for our families in the right way. Our children get less of us. We’re distracted and plotting.
I have come to peace, in my own situation, that we will never tear our lives apart. We live out a wonderful friendship in limited increments. I love and respect him, and my love has taken a different form. It is the most unselfish love I’ve known in my life. I accept him for who he is, and our limitations. Neither of us seek drama. Drama in affairs changes things. Ask anyone who’s been busted. Suddenly the ‘great love’ isn’t so great. Reality strikes and the bubble bursts.
My love for him is unselfish, but as long as it works for both of us, my desire to keep this relationship going is indeed selfish. Neither of us wish to blow it up in a bust, or to be a constant and invasive force within our marriages. I don’t want to look back, years from now and ask: ‘How did I fuck it up so badly for my kids – through a bust or being distracted?’ I don’t want that. So I take what I can get in this. Occasional meetings that are rocket-fuel for the body and mind.
I hope you didn’t take it as judgment. Your note scared me – for you. I wanted to hammer that home, for your own sake, in the hopes that you could step outside and look back in from some sort of position of neutrality.
A
Some time ago we made plans. But, when push came to shove, we could not or did not move forward. Spouses, kids, promises made to others in the past … all became too much to overcome. I took drastic measures to let go but it has not really worked. Angela, you’re probably right: maybe its chemical love. I can’t fully deny that. But it is powerful. He would not let me go and after getting pulled back in I have even less perspectives. Sometimes I think that by ending up with MM would somehow validate my behavior up to now. Make it more respectable that although I did what I did, the outcome was an honest relationship. Your messages, like those from UOTI and Adrianna, have shocked me. I’ve spoken to only one person about my situation and the mental conversations with myself are not terribly productive or helpful. I may need your help one day to cut the cord. Though I’ve tried it before, we have always gone back. The fact is limbo is a terrible place to be. While more stable now the stress of this activity is not good. Angela, I’ve thought about letting MM become someone who I meet with occasionally and share a special bond. But, it’s hard to go back from an amount of contact that we have now. You’ve given me good advice … albeit hard to hear. And, perhaps even harder to follow. Maybe I need to look carefully at my marriage and where I want to be. Maybe this extra relationship is an excuse for me not to deal with my own issues. Please keep writing me. I am trying to learn and find the support very helpful. – wsb
Angela, is yours physical or emotional affair or both? Do you still have phsyical relationship with your husband?
I’ve been thinking about what you’ve all wrote me and it seems to boil down to this. I want a future and a plan. Though I have 2 kids, I have the means and inclination to leave. Not that I don’t worry about collateral damage and the consequences. That said, I’d sooner give this up than live the way I do. I am not programmed to have a special connection and leave it at that. Sometimes I think I am, but the truth is that I can’t do it. The saddness is too overwhelming. I am sort of all or nothing. But, there is the rub. While a decisive and deliberate person by nature, this one has really thrown me. Knocked me down. Wish I were stronger. I gues I need a plan or need to get out. My heart wants more but it might very well boil down to the latter. Warning: these relationships are killers for nearly all involved. They should come with a full label warning. No kidding.
WSB – you definitely need a plan. What I will say and you can take or leave this piece of advice as always but if you are going to leave the marriage then give you and MM a break and don’t run straight to him. Give yourself time and space to make sure this is what you really want. Give yourself breathing room to really examine yourself and what is best for you and your family, don’t make a move based on your MM. I don’t know you or your MM’s circumstances but I know MM’s (in general) and when push comes to shove and the brown stuff hits the fan it is likely he will reset to default position and stay with his wife…. hard to hear I know and I’m not saying that he will in your circmstances – as I say I don’t know you or yours but having been submerged in this murky world for too long now and having read so much online and written material on the subject; lets just say I would focus on you first and MM way way second. Sorry if that sounds harsh and judgemental but I hope that you will understand the good intention behind it. If you are really unhappy in the marriage and you cannot sort out the problems with or without counselling then end it the right way for the right reasons and see if you cannot gain some clarity away from the heady fog of an affair.
I really do wish you well
UOTI
It sounds neither harsh nor judgement. In fact it sounds wise. I really don’t think he will leave. I am not sure I will either. When I started this, I said I don’t want to do this. I want a real relationship or I want out. You need to be single and so do I. Weeks turned into months and yet I didn’t pull the trigger. It is a hard fact for me to swallow. Do I just want my cake and eat it too. Sometimes I think my feelings for MM means that I shouldn’t be married … not to anyone. It makes me crazy. If I were giving me … or anyone advice … I’d say I was an idiot. I disagree with Angela … I don’t think I need to be scared. I get it. I get the consequences. I just don’t understand why I won’t give him up. Makes me hate myself sometimes. I’ve been trying to focus on me and my family. You and TV were right in your first answers: I need to cut off the two timing MM. It is not good for me. But my behavior of late suggests I need to reexamine my behavior. You are a good man. I can tell. Thank you for writing me. Tell your wife you love her. I will write more soon.
@Presson -
To answer your questions, it is both highly physical and deeply emotional. As for my marriage, something got lost along the way. The cracks were deep, long before the arrival of OM. It is a functional marriage, based on kids and finances. The romance is long gone.
Angela, I will go back and review the entries, but what makes you stay? How are you able to compartmentalize your life so that you benefit in your situation? I’ve tried to do that but I am miserable at it. Do you marry the wrong guy? Does your husband accept your situation? Will you consider leaving when your kids are older? So many questions … sorry. You said that you wanted to “scare” me … I really do get it. I just want more. Though I probably won’t get it with MM, and am trying to garner the strength to live a more honest life, I am a bad OM. Jealousy is not an issue. I’d never out him. I’d actually take the hit if need be. I just want the commitment in real life. I never dated married men when I was single and never saw myself here. Is what part of what makes it “safe” for you the limited contact? This may be the most confusing scenario I’ve encountered and my life has not been sheltered. I just got in way over my head. The complexities of the human condition overwhelm me … and continue to do so.
WSB,
Yes – the limited contact is the only thing that makes it ‘safe’ – and ‘safe’ is a very loose term. Emotionally I am not safe, but I am somehow able to control my emotions, actions and reactions – and so is he. That was our agreement from the beginning, and neither of us have wavered. We quell our inner turmoil, and silently accept it. Our circumstances are radically different, due to age and other variables, so it is foolish to imagine some sort of future together.
Do I compartmentalize so that I benefit? Not without a price. Every benefit comes with a severe cost. The costs lie in our marriages (whether they survive or not), our honesty and our integrity. It’s a slippery, slippery slope, and not one I’d cross again, knowing what I know now.
My husband accepts that our marriage is not what we set out to make it. We are friends, but there are things we just don’t talk about. There is also too much damage to presume it will last. It won’t. We’re good at some things together, but not all.
Hi everyone. I have been thinking about starting my own blog and finally did. I haven’t broached the affair subject yet, but probably will eventually. I just posted a poem that I gave to aolele. Check it out and give me some feed back,
Angela,
SO there is no sex in your marriage?
Also, often we think we are the only one who is strayed, to be honest, what make us think our spouse is not as strayed as we are. IF we find our marriage so unbearable that we need to reach out to our AP, how and what on earth we came to believe that our spouse may not be doing exactly the same as we are – lost in the affair…
Presson,
Anything is possible, but I don’t blame my husband for my affair. I would never hide from my own actions by presuming that he, too, has stepped outside the marriage. If he has, then that is his business and I am in no position to question it.
And no, we don’t exactly have a romantic marriage. I wish we did, and wish I could somehow get past all this to rekindle. But sometimes there’s simply too much water under the bridge.
Wow. After reading these posts I almost feel like I know some of you. Heartfelt emotions shared on here. It was reassuring to know I’m not the only one struggling with these issues and feelings. My story began 4 years ago on a weekend trip to a resort. Though I’d known her for years, I never saw it coming. A few drinks, alone for the first time… 2 hours later we are having sex on a breakwater under the stars. I resolved the next day to never do it again. 10 days later a call from her sealed my fate. I was in. For the sex at first, and then it morphed into something else. How I wish I’d stuck with the pure passion of the moment.
3 ½ years of wild sex, trips to exotic places, crazy adventures, great conversations, shared emotions and dreams, support through tough times… The true details of the situation defy belief. We were the best and worst people for each other at the same time. 6 months ago a pattern of very erratic behavior appeared out of the blue. On a couple’s trip (That is one of the sordid details) she quietly yet violently (Yes, this is possible. Trust me.) accused me of having sex with my wife after being out of the room for less than 3 minutes. I couldn’t have been more stunned if struck by lightning. This person I saw as my rational and reasonable partner in crime had morphed into a stranger in the blink of an eye. There was venom and hate where 2 hours before there had been passion and love. Of course this incident passed with the requisite tears and we began our descent into emotional chaos.
For six months she has crossed back and forth from the wonderful person I knew to this angry, sullen stranger that appears without warning. The details would be almost comical if it was not me who had lived them. It ended last weekend not 20 feet from where it began. What a wild ride it has been. Right now I’m not sure whether to be happy to have escaped without being caught or desperately sad to have lost a friend and lover I cared for deeply. In reality it’s a battle inside between rational thought and emotional response. The question is can I control it? I want desperately to help her, yet in her altered state of thinking she does not want help. It goes against everything in my nature to walk away from someone I care for who is in need.
She sounds volatile and dangerous. Be very careful. Her energy will extend into her marriage, and she could bring down the house of cards. You may well need to manage her, if you don’t want her to snap and let the cat out of the bag.
Good luck…
Hey Angela,
You are right of course. She has more to lose than I do but that is certainly no guarantee. I wish I could be more cold hearted about things. The fact that I care for her as a person and want her to be happy makes this all the more difficult. If it was just a “hey this doesn’t work for me anymore” situation I could walk away from it. I’d be sad for sure but I’m emotionally strong, confident and would have no trouble finding another attractive partner if I ever felt the need.
I’ve never felt this need to “save” someone before. Throw the power of sexual attraction onto that and it’s dangerous. I’m self aware enough to know I could be caught up in it.
She contacted me to apologize by the way. It’s always the same. Where from here…
Given that you were all on vacation together, clearly your two families are closely connected. To say ‘Tread with caution’ is an understatement. Your tolerance for risk is high, and the potential for nuclear fall-out extreme. I have no idea how you get out of something like this, without it all going to hell. I also don’t know how you stay, without it all going to hell.
Think of your family (kids, if you have them), and your gf’s kids (if she has them). If nothing else, consider the little people who would be destroyed to know that their confidence was betrayed in such a way. Affairs are dangerous enough, but this sounds so deeply problematic.
You need to pull your head out of the chemical high, and withdraw completely, if you want to somehow have it end without destroying two families. She sounds like a wild-card, and unless you both have a stronger love for your children and your own reputations, you will continue to selfishly remain involved, until whatever ‘the bitter end’ looks like.
I am not one to moralize (I’m sure you’ve read enough about me), but I have a low tolerance of risk, when it comes to my children and personal reputation. My lover is far removed from my social circle, and his level of self-control is so high, lightning would strike ten times before he’d bring me down. Accidents happen, but our story as to why we’d have any reason to meet privately is air-tight.
Just wondering how you all are doing.
Angela, BOTI – It has been over a year now since I posted about my situation and I was thinking about you. I even dreamed about this thread last night! I hope your lives are back on track and you are feeling very happy. I wanted to thank you again for your support and kind words during very hard times. I have not been following this very closely, but I have been busy in all sorts of things.
Although my marriage has changed and there are still times when things resurface, they rarely hurt anymore. Grieving has ended. Everything almost feels ‘normal’, our ‘fights’ are more about not putting the socks in the laundry or who left the iron on instead of trust issues.
The dark cloud that was hanging over my head (and his) is also gone and we have built a much honest and happy marriage, especially in the last six months. We have had several holidays together and many dates. It has not been all easy but it has been well worth it. Rebuilding a life away from the cult and carefully gluing together the pieces of my marriage at the same time has been tough work, but would not change it for the world. Being open about sexuality and even being more selfish actually helps, resentment does not build up and everything feels so much lighter.
OM does not consume my thoughts anymore, nor do I fantasise about a life with him. The rose-tainted glass I used to see him through was shattered and I did not invest a second trying to repair it. He is gone for good and I am glad for it.
My husband has been so understanding and however clichéd it sounds, I appreciate more than ever that a relationships does take full commitment from two people to function. It is a decision each part must make freely and willingly.
Like some of you said to me a year ago, there is hope. I have learned that you won’t forget but the memories will not always feel so raw. The pain does go away. Like any other experience in life, it will change you, and I feel it is up to us to decide whether it make us more compassionate, loving and less judgmental individuals, or whether we allow it to make us bitter and suspicious of others.
Wishing you all a peaceful mind and a serene heart.
Happy Christmas to you all.
Mrs. T
Mrs T -I’ll refer you to my blog to give you my update…..
good luck, hope things continue to improve
Boti – I have left a comment.
Big hug my friend.
Mrs. T
Wantsomethingbetter-
I am so glad I came across your posts and te responses to them bc I believe we are living in very similar scenarios. I am 2 days into ending things with my OM. We have each fine back and forth trying to do this for the past 14 months but always unsuccessful because we are both weak and addicted. I also believe he is a narcissist and has thrived on the attention I provided him. The struggle in our relationship was much like you describe. I think I would have chosen him but always knew deep down he was to afraid to do the same for me. He was caught twice and they stayed together in spite of much misery and drama and her continuous threats to divorce him. He would let her if she actually followed through but she doesn’t. She has fought hard. She believes we only had an emotional affair or that is what he tells her and she chooses to believe. So I know despite what he tells me, he is being two faced at home and playing into the head I. The sand , happy couple routine with her and he has no problem blowing me off when it suits him to keep up his facade. That is what has become unbearable. I am very neglected and independent in my marriage and could keep up the Intensity of this affair quite easily and maybe never get caught. I confided in a friend after the last time I thought thi ga were over and she was in shock at the time I was able to spend with him and invest in the relationship. I work full time and have two young children. It really is unbelievable. Long story short, I snapped the other day. The jealousy, insecurity and inequality of the relationship got to me and I told him some terrible things about who I thought he was…a two faces selfish fraud and a coward. These things felt great while I was saying them in my rage but of course I regret it now. I contacted him after trying to backpedal a bit and suggest we just take time apart while he is on his family vacation which would have been difficult to deal with. I thought we needed time to think apart. But he is hurt and angry and says that all the things I screamed at him made a lot of sense and he doesn’t really line how he has been or who he has become and that we keep going through the same vicious cycle of threatening to end thi ga or ending them but going back within 24 hours and that he needs to leave it behind now. So he shut the door I was trying to leave open. I know it’s right to be over and that maybe he does have to be the bad guy bc when push came to shove, I never really could. It hurts too much. I miss him terribly. My need for him in my life was overwhelming even though he drove me crazy and insane. I am trying to stay strong but in back of my head hoping we will talk when he gets back and realize we need each other. Make all the empty promises to try to change…be more casual and low key etc etc. it never works. The emotions are too intense. I wish I could establish and accept the limited relationship that Angela describes with her OM but I’m just not mentally equipped for that I think. I’m too jealous…hate his situation so much. But I guess what’s hardest is feeling like he is finally choosing it and her over me. He says it is just about te kids but i am not so sure anymore. That hurts the most. I feel beaten up and mostly used. I guess I used him too on a lot of levels. And now I can’t take back my words. I’ll regret that forever.
Hello Mrs. T!
Great to see you here, and I am so happy to hear that you’ve moved forward in a positive way with your husband. Your story shines brightly, in this forum of dysfunction.
I thought a lot about you, in the months after your posts, one long year ago. I desperately hoped that you’d keep your marriage on the rails, and that you’d continue your recovery after growing up in the cult.
I’m glad you came back in, to let us know how things have unfolded. Unfortunately, I am still involved with my OM. It is a casual relationship that resumed about 8 months ago. My marriage is quite different from yours – it is a functional union built on friendship, business and children. The romance died years ago, and we simply carry on.
I wish you all the best in 2012.