January 20, 2010.
The material you’re about to read was written a very long time ago. My “assignment,” as referenced below, is now complete. My questions about my ex-lover have been answered. Sort of. So please, in reading this, check the dates of each post. Do not assume I am still pining away for the woman who was the basis of this blog. She’s moved on, and so have I. The affair is “ancient history,” as they say. But I’ve decided to leave my old posts on the web because…that’s the sort of vain bastard I am.
Oh, and if you’re new to the affair-world, may God have mercy on your soul.
This is the story of a professional journalist who lost his objectivity with another woman. And like most stories you see on the news, mine didn’t end well. My fault. Her fault. Everyone’s fault.
Now this tv explorer has embarked on the biggest assignment of his life: To go beyond the headline and figure out if this was fate or just poor judgment. Either way, there is much to write.
And just so you’ll know…
- I’m not proud of what I did. I do not condone, nor is the purpose of this blog to glorify adultery.
- If it seems I spend more time talking about my former “other woman” than my wife, that’s by design. I wish to keep the progress I’ve made with my wife since the affair private.
- I realize “it takes two to tango.” I do not blame the entire affair on OW.
- I am sympathetic to married people whose own spouses have cheated on them, and may view my posts as selfish and hoggish.
- I do not welcome (nor will I publish) insensitive remarks from philandering men.
- I use a whole helluva lotta profanity in my writing. Sorry, but I tend to get really worked up over this stuff.
Great blog!
and now that I have read all your recent posts, aswell as others posts, I would like to add…..
I noticed you said that you do assume all responsiblity, but resent your lover……This comment bothers me, on a personal level.
I feel that you don’t see her confession as a bigger picture, you see it as a personal attack. Am I wrong?
I know that my lover feels that my confession was a personal attack. This hurts me, as it was not.
If your confession wasn’t a personal attack against your ex-lover, then what the hell was it? Do you expect this man to thank you for your honesty, now that you’ve turned his life upside down? I can assure you, he regrets the day he ever met you, and rightfully so. You had NO right to confess to your husband, knowing it would destroy your lover’s life as well.
I’m not sure if my previous post answered the question on whether or not it was a personal attack.
I stand by the fact that it was not!
I am sorry that you feel that way about your ex lover, that you regret the day you met her (I assume you speak for yourself, when you speak for my XL).
Obviously you shared at some stage a deeper connection, perhaps it is better for us to see it as not that we regret meeting someone, rather that we regret getting carried away with them.
No, I do not have a right to destroy someone elses life. It was not done with intent or malious.
Two lives became interwined and hence the destruction unfolded for many.
On a different note, I’d like to know why you did not address my husbands cheating and his more recent revelation.
This poses another side to the discussion, as it was partly the truth, his honesty that kept us together.
I can see how honestly may be the one thing that has kept you and your husband together. My LACK of honesty with my wife almost destroyed our marriage, and continues to be a major sticking point in our recovery. I lied my ass off to the very end, and it didn’t bode well for me.
I don’t have much to offer about your husband’s cheating. I don’t know enough about the circumstances to comment accurately. But regarding the recent revelation that he had sex with her more than he first admitted, this doesn’t surprise me. Men ALWAYS downplay the frequency of their adulterous sex. If my wife knew the truth about how many times I had sex with my ex-lover, her suitcase would already be packed. Scratch that. MY suitcase would be packed and waiting for me when I got home from work.
Why did your husband cheat on you? And was your affair a retaliatory affair? Also, did you have sex with your Other Man, or was it just emotional?
I apologize for not answering your second post last night, it was late.
Ofcourse your constant lies about your affair, still make the recovery with your wife difficult.
I’m sure that if you had come clean, perhaps not even initially but once you had been exposed, she could have appreciated and believed that you were finally being honest, you alwasy bare a question mark over your head now, of doubt.
I don’t think it necessarily matters the amount of times it happened, but it is the old cliche ‘the truth will set you free’.
My husband originally cheated on me because our relationship was miserable, we had very little respect for one another, stemming from resentment and unaddressed issues.
His cheating was rock bottom for both of us and in turn we made the decision (not straight away), that we could make things work, we re-entered the relationship not to go make to ‘normal’ (how can things ever be as they were prior and why would we want to go back to our normal), but to begin a new ‘normal’ and one that did not carry resentment.
I can tell you this was truely and whole heartedly achieved and our relationship became better and more fulfilling then ever before.
My affair and yes it was not only emotional but it did become physical….began in a time when our relationship was good and happy. Confusing I know.
While in the affair I researched why people have affairs. My knowledge was that people only have affairs if they are unhappy within their marriage or suffer from a sexual addiction.
I came across this interesting website dearpeggy.com/affairs.html
2. Why Do People Have Affairs?
The first question most people ask when they learn of their partner’s affair is, “Why?” And the answers they come up with are usually based on personal blame. They blame themselves, their partner, their relationship, or the third party. They see it strictly as a personal problem, a personal failure of the people involved. This is a very simple explanation for a very complex question.
Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:
Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs
Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs
Societal factors
Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs:
Attraction: sex, companionship, admiration, power
Novelty
Excitement, risk, or challenge
Curiosity
Enhanced self-image
Falling in love
Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs:
Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
Boredom
Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
Desire to punish one’s partner
Need to prove one’s attractiveness or worth
Desire for attention
Societal factors
Affairs are glamorized in movies, soap operas, romance novels, and TV shows of all kinds. Public disclosure of public figures having affairs is headline news because we are fascinated and titillated by hearing of others’ affairs.
People are bombarded with images of women as sex objects in advertising and marketing campaigns. Over and over, the message to men is that the good life includes a parade of sexy women in their lives. Women inadvertently buy into this image and strive to achieve it.
The lack of good sex education and the existence of sexual taboos combine to make it difficult for most partners to talk honestly about sex.
As teenagers we get conditioned in deception when it comes to sex—engaging in sexual activity while hiding it from our parents.
The code of secrecy is a major factor in affairs because it provides protection for the person having affairs and leads them to believe they won’t get caught.
Bottom Line: There is no ONE single reason a person has an affair. There are usually many reasons, including some of the forces that pull them toward affairs and some of the forces that push them toward affairs, combined with the influence of the general factors in society that contribute to affairs.
For me, I believed I was ‘pulled’ towards an affair (as discussed in the article above), it was never about getting my husband back, it was not retalitory affair.
My ego was extremely boosted and because he was always around, I would have no break from it/him.
It was kind of exciting doing something that was taboo (this was prior to a sexual relationship with him), but also knowing it would not cross a physical boundry, brought me some comfort.
As I have said in a previous post it became a runaway train, it got to the point of no control.
I guess that’s when I started losing control in my own life, smoking etc.
I am no stranger to male attention.
However his attention was persistant, constant and everyday. He was attractive, charming, funny and witty, he constantly pushed the boundry which was exciting.
We both got swept away.
Oh my goodness. You have been a beacon of fabulous light. Thank you for your words, they have been awesome enough to shake hands with my thoughts and smile – perhaps even butt-pat in unison.
jadealas, thanks for your comment. Sorry for the late reply. I am a “beacon of fabulous light”? You flatter me! I see myself –and this blog– as a giant mess. Please, tell me about your “situation.” Have you had an affair? Been cheated on? People read my blog for a reason, and I’d love to know what yours is.
TV, your questions have been answered, sort of?? Your journey was to end when you figured out if it was” fate or poor judgment.” Have you figured that out…. Or just still sway back and forth, depending on the moment and are just ok with never knowing?
For me- I find myself stuck less and less on my OM. I still think about him and wish things had just been different- from start to finish. I still miss that piece of me that exploded when I was with him, but what can you do? It’s over. What I now know, partly because of my OM, is that my marriage IS over. I will NOT accept the way things are as my forever. I know that I WILL be happier alone than I am with my husband. It’s sad! I’ve put a decade into our relationship, we have two kids. But, I keep hearing a comment that a read on your blog from Robin, she was actually referencing her own marriage when she said that she would not advise her daughter to stay if it was her ….. I also would not advise my daughter to stay in the type of marriage that I have either – it is not fair to me and it is not right for me to teach my children that this is a proper working relationship.
So I begin my new journey, turning my separation into a permanent and my I DON’T KNOW into Yes, I DO know and it’s time. It’s a long road with a lot of bumps, lots of feelings and lots of sadness. But its about time. We ALL deserve happiness – including me! Thanks TV!! You blog has helped me look deeper into myself and see different perspectives!!
So for me – FATE ( I did love him!) Mixed with poor judgment (it was an affair)!! But NO regrets- Such is life!
I just submitted a comment but had the email wrong….I tried to fix it, but was unable. Hope the post did not get “lost”.
You were the very first person to ever comment on my blog. How terribly rude of me to not track you down sooner. This is my first visit, but it won’t be my last.
Your blog has helped me more than I can tell you. I feel like I have been living in a private hell for so long!!! If I had realized how much pain this would cause me, I would have never done it.
I guess everyone says that, don’t they? I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. My affair was not discovered, thankfully. The details are all so familiar other than this was someone that I loved very much many years ago. He looked me up after 15 years of no contact and said some things to me that, if I ever were to need to conjur up a good set of tears, all I would have to do would be to think of those things he said. I guess we all have certain things that we will never forget, and some of those things he said to me will be with me forever. The intense part of our relationship was only about 8 months long and it has now been 10 months since then. We’ve remained friends which is something we had promised each other we’d do. NO romantic/sexual talk. No relationship talk, just plain old friends. It helps because we don’t see each other at all. No contact other than a little im’ing once in a while. But inside, I am torn apart. I know you have said, pay now or pay later. I guess you are right.
Do you ever wonder what would have happened had she not confessed? (BTW, I would have never done that. The last thing in the world I could imagine doing was to cause him harm). But I was wondering if you would have wanted to remain in contact with her? Is it really possible to have a friendship with someone you’ve obviously gone down the wrong road with. I guess in some ways, I’ve answered my own question because otherwise I wouldn’t be here drowning my sorrows.
I guess what kills me the most is that he seemed to move past it so easily. It has left me wondering what happened from his standpoint. I cannot ask him, so I guess I’ll never know what, if anything, it meant to him. I guess I’ll never understand that because I’ve never been able to turn feelings on/off. He acts like nothing has happened and yet, I am left feeling horrible about myself and wondering if this will ever get better.
I’m glad to know that things will improve with time. You’ve helped me and I just thought I’d let you know. Thank you.
Sweet girl, thanks for your comment. I’m glad this blog has resonated with you. It’s amazing how many people are “in this boat.” Long after I’m gone, there’ll be a million affair-bloggers to take my place. It’s a sad testimony to marriage.
Yes, you are lucky that your affair was not discovered. And yes, I’ve wondered many times what my life would be like if mine had not been discovered. But I’d probably feel the way you do. Wondering what happened on her end that made her stop. I know the horrible feeling you’re talking about. Tell me, if you still have occasional contact with your ex, do you ever ask him why he stopped? Chances are, he stopped not because of you, but because of his sense of duty and obligation to his marriage. I mean, let’s be honest. Affairs are the act of lying to your spouse. Plain and simple. While it’s easy for me to sit here and talk about the “good times” I had with my ex, I also remember the overwhelming sense of guilt I felt lying to my wife. Unless a person is prepared to walk about from their marriage, affairs are destined to end the minute they start. It’s just a matter of time…every time.
So….pay now or pay later.
Things do get better. Hang in there.
Thank you so much for your reply. I am sure it must not be easy to maintain the site after you’ve moved so far past it.
I know you are right about the sense of obligation. He said to me that he couldn’t be a part-time dad regardless of how he feels about his relationship. He wants to honor his commitment to his kids and I appreciate that. You wrote how eventually we come to realize that the relationship was not the romance of the century. I think I thought of it that way for a long time. I always saw him as my true “soulmate”. But as time has gone on, I realize that if we were to leave our families the pain we’d cause them and the guilt we would feel would cloud the specialness of what we had.
I think the most difficult part of all of this is not being able to discuss it with anyone. I suspect, that is probably the reason why your ex told her husband. My ex doesn’t want to talk about it because it doesn’t help, but women feel the need to talk things out. Posting on your blog made me feel like a weight had been lifted and I do feel better.
Moving on will end it all for me, I know. I also feel very guilty about what I have done. It is so easy to fall into an affair and so hard to fall out. The hardest part of moving on is knowing that he will move on as well.
“The hardest part of moving on is knowing that he will move on as well.”
This statement says it all, sweet girl. Very profound, and oh-so true. Thanks for your reply. I wish you the best!
I was thinking to myself today that this is a case of the good, the bad and the ugly. The good is….and there was some good that came out of it…that he inspired me to get back in touch with parts of myself I had neglected, like getting back into shape and my love of working out, he encouraged me to resurrect my career and of course I reconnected with someone I really cared about. The bad is of course the guilt over my broken commitment to my spouse and we both know what the ugly is. That’s what I struggle with every day. I’ll take your word for it that it gets better. In the meantime, I am trying to focus on the good.
I wish you the best as well.
TVexplorer…you are a port in my storm. Your blog is so well written and nails the concept of the affair and “after” feelings so well. Thank you for providing a spot where like minded intelligent people can come to discuss this very real and growing epidemic. I feel better each and every time I come on here….you have a gift of magnificent articulation… and the ability to make me feel not alone.
Sweet Girl: Do you still have some hope in the corners of your heart that your friend will want to your realtionship to return to what it once was?? I am on similar timeline and in a like situation as you. I feel so grateful our respective families never found out….and that is the only thing that is keeping me moving forward. But I do catch myself every once in awhile counting the days till Christmas thinking…”I bet he’ll call me then”…hoping, wishing, scared and sad. Quite a cocktail of emotions.
never again the same,
Thanks for your comment. I’m glad you relate to my blog. As you can see, I don’t write much anymore. It’s been 3 years since my D-Day, and I’ve run out of things to say. Plus, affairs are just hard to summarize in words. As Im sure you know! Hope you’re surviving your ordeal.
never again the same,
Your moniker says it all. I wonder in all honesty, if I will ever be the same person I was before the affair. Once you have feelings for someone other than your spouse, it is hard to turn back the clock. I love my husband and we are making strides but if I have to be honest, deep down I do hope my other guy would tell me how much I mean to him. I think he knows that would lead us back into the affair and affairs are destined to be discovered the longer you continue them. A friendship is all that we can have if we want to stay in our current relationships. I do really care about him which is why I am trying to have a friendship. I am in touch when I can handle it and not in touch when I can’t.
I also have found TV’s blog to help me. I especially love some of the funny parts which I think about when I am having a down day (sorry, I know it was coming from a place of frustration at the time). I wonder TV, if after 3 years you feel your life is as it was before the affair? Do your feelings for your spouse come back 100%?
Everyday I feel a little stronger and happy. I stay busy which is really the best way to get over it.
Glad to have read your comment ‘never again the same’. Best to you.
I love your writing style and the fact that you’ve kept up this site when this is so long in your past. Your honesty and humor are a refreshing change of pace for this topic, and I find hope it all of this. You have no idea how much I need that right now, so thanks again for keeping these posts up for other dummies
Dearest tv, hope you are doing good… me i been thru another round in our little hell… but think i will come out ok… thanks to the support of the many friends i met thanks to your blog… thank you for allowing all of us to come here and try to find our way… on this brick road that seems to land all of us in hell… all of us would love to hear from our wise one that can assure us we will get thru all this… again thank you for everything… i mean that from the bottom of my heart
Do you still answer questions and make comments? I’m still in hell. My husband is willing to forgive me and for the sake of my children I know I should be ecstatic. But for some reason I am still in a fog of sorts. I never thought it was love- just great chemistry, exhilarting in a way nothing else can compare to. I loved the chase. The sex was great. I wanted it to continue. I messed up and got caught. My husband called him. It was awful. Right off jerry springer. I’m sure he will never talk to me again. He wont risk my husband calling his wife. I know its not worth wrecking everyone’s life. I’m a little older than he is- at a different stage of life- the mundane everyday logistics of children and marriage haven’t quite set in for him. It was just fun for him. It was like crack for me. Do we think he hates me? Im sure its just every man for himself- he’s got to cover his ass. During our affair, he got engaged and married. He cut it off a few times but I always came back and he was weak. I even had cancer, chemo and surgery. I’m sure that exacerbated the thrill and ‘you only live once’ thinking. My husband did actually bust me earlier but I always found a way to continue it. I would explain away a new phone or say a friend sent that text ending it- just to mess with him. Sounds crazy now. But I wanted it to continue so badly. I’ve even thought of ways to try to continue it now- maybe he would believe we are separated and it’s safe. But I’m sure the dynamic has passed and it wouldn’t be the same. Something is wrong with me because I am so desparate to fill the crack void that I’m actually looking around to see who might be the next crush that can feed the addiction. Time heals all wounds. I’m waiting. I would never have left my husband and children for him. I just wanted the thrill on the side of my nice life. Why do we have to choose stability or thrilling? I know he will cheat again. He doesnt believe in sexual fidelity. He knew going in that he wasnt sexually attracted to his wife- that they were better partners, that they were compatible. What a long life that’s going to be. Fortunately I dont have to see him and keep hoping I can go through life as if it never happened. But the feeling is there. I miss it. It does get better everyday but not quick enough. The counseling hasnt really kicked in and started helping. Im supposed to be reassuring my husband but I find that difficult. I was unhappy in the marriage – that’s why the other started- so take away my fun and I’m right back to where I was.
Thanks for your comment. Tell me, when did you affair end? It sounds like it was fairly recently. Also, was your affair purely sexual or are you emotionally bonded to this guy? If it was mostly sexual, I’m sure you can find another guy to bang.
My answer to your question is simply this: It takes a looooooong time to get over affairs. You’ll just have to suffer through it. That’s all I know. There is no quick fix to what you’re going through. To me, the bigger issue is whether you should stay married. If you’re not happy with your husband, then why force it? I find it interesting that so many married people have affairs, but once they’ve been caught, they default to their spouse, as though marriages must be preserved at any cost. The problem with that is, most people who do that doom themselves to a life of unhappiness. Yes, I realize that marriages shouldn’t just be tossed aside. If a spark still exists then, by all means, stay with your spouse. But if you’ve been unhappy with your husband for more years than you can count, maybe it’s time to move on. It’s the least you can do for yourself and your husband. But know this: If you do decide to stay with your husband and “make things work,” you must remain faithful to him. No more cheating! To me, the only thing worse than a person who cheats on their spouse is a person who continues to cheat. In other words, we all get one free pass. After that, we’re assigned the label of “serial cheater.” I know someone like that, and he’s despicable.
As far as your ex-lover is concerned, you’ve lost him forever and must deal with that. You say he’s not the kind of guy who can stay faithful. He may surprise you….now that he’s married. It’s time for you to move on.
Good luck…..tv
Dear TV,
So good to hear from you again. You are right, sometimes it is time to move on. You know my story, I won’t repeat the sordid details again. But I can say I am a happier person aftre ending my marriage. It had been over for a long time, maybe the reason i was drawn into the affair. But after cheating on him with the same person twice, I left him when I started seeing this person for the third time. My ex met a lady that loves him dearly, he is happier now than he ever was in our marriage. It is the one unselfish thing I did for my husband. He has remarried and I am happy for him. Me, yes me and my affair partner are still seeing each other, he forgave me for the DDAY, and the relationship continues. But as you and I know this is not the way things usually turn out, when it is over it usually is over. I believe some day I am going to meet a wonderful man who is single, and I will finally have the full time love I deserve. I don’t believe my affair partner will leave his wife and we will live happily ever after, but I have come to realize I was meant more to him than I thought I did. So when it ends, and yes it will sooner or later I wont be haunted by the question did I not mean anything. That is the question that tends to haunt all of us in this hell the longest. I hope you are doing good please update us. Again, thank you for helping all of us and continuing to give us your words of wisdom. You will never know how much we appreciate it.
Yes, it ended just a few weeks ago. What a horrible Friday. A simple mistake led to such a debacle. Even though I would say the affair was more sexual/physical, I am more emotionally bonded or connected to him that I would like to admit. But that’s a female quirk, right? We get more attached. I’m not sure the planets could align again to present a similar situation. So I dont think I’m just looking for someone ‘to bang’ as you so eloquently put it. I guess no one wants to get divorced. It looks awful for the children. I’m trying with all my might to get back into this marriage. It’s not coming quite as quickly as I hoped. We are a good team. He loves me dearly. We have been friends forever. There are more reasons to make it work than to divorce. I’m hoping the counselor can help me figure out why I’m not content. Why do I always seem to want more? Most people would be satisfied with my life. How do I match the thrill of the crush/illicit sex/affair? It was so exhilarating. I cant just go skydiving once a week. I seriously searched online for a 12 step program that might exist for such a thing. Didn’t find anything. I look around at all of the other wives and mothers and wonder why I don’t seem to get the same satisfaction out of being at the baseball field all Saturday. Or being the room mother. Or organizing my house. Do other people find the everyday trappings of life unfufilling? The exhilaration of the affair made all of that bearable. I think you are right about the ‘one free pass’. I so don’t want to be that person. Everything is a decision, an easy one to make. Pull it together. Don’t be rebellious. I really want to know what keeps people together. I see couples and think why are they together. What do they have in common. Are they happy. Does that relationship provide everything they need. When you look at your wife what comes to mind? Do you think we are a good team? She is who I want by my side in a crisis? Will you be as excited to be with her if she starts wearing mom jeans or suddenly isnt so attractive? Is it reasonable to still expect to have deep conversations after 15 years? I definitely think I am having a mid life crisis of sorts. But I know the grass is not greener. I appreciate hearing a male perspective on these things.
Affairs are a raging case of brain chemicals. I think that when you have been in a long term relationship, that butterflies in the stomach feeling is something you haven’t felt in a long time and when you start to feel it again, it’s addicting. But, this much is for certain, it doesn’t last. No matter how magical the relationship seems to be, eventually, the excitement of it will wear off and it will become ordinary too.
It has been almost 2 yrs since the end of my affair and I am thankfully feeling better about myself and my marriage. I think affairs fill a void that needs to get filled elsewhere…usually within yourself. Once you are happier with yourself, you will be happier in your marriage. I had been laid off 1.5 years prior to the beginning of my affair and felt a huge drop in my self-esteem/self-worth. Thankfully, I am back to work and feeling worlds better about myself, I have new hobbies and friends and my affair partner is looking more and more like a regular guy than the “soulmate” I first saw him as. My husband has been there for me through all the ups and downs and I am starting to understand that that is the true definition of soulmate.
Hang in there all of you going through this. I have really tough days still, but it is getting better and I know it will continue to with time!
Thank you TV for this great blog. It helped me more than you could possibly know.
Thank you TV – I have never posted on a blog before but you have inspired me. I am hurting more than I thought possible and have been feeling so alone. This blog and the comments help me see that I am not. My problem- I am so mentally hooked on OM that I cannot tell if I want to stay married. I think I love my husband, and I like being married – if for no other reason my network of friends and my children. The problem – constant reminders of OM at work that I cannot get over him- not to mention that I still have to work with him. The whole thing is so sureal to me – I was never looking to fall in love with someone else and was completely blindside by it. When your affair ended did you know that you wanted to stay married or did it take time to figure that out? Are there other blogs that you recommend reading to help get through this?
Still Hurting, thanks for your comment. Believe me, I –and all the other folks who’ve posted on here– know how you feel. It’s a bad place to be, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that you won’t have these feelings forever. Time will heal it. I know you don’t believe it now, but as the months and years tick by, you’ll think less and less about OM. But it’s not like you’ll forget about completely….
My affair ended more than 4 years ago. Like you, all I could think about was my OW. But 4 years later, I’ve come to terms with what happened, and why I’m better off without her. Yes, I still think about her often. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I’ve come to believe –at least in my own life– that my affair was a “course correction.” Why would I have cheated if something wasn’t awry with my marriage…or with me? I thought I was happy, but I was also bored, even if I wasn’t admitting that to myself. So the affair, I believe, was destined to happen if, for no other reason, to shake up my marriage and see if it was something my wife and I were willing to fight to preserve. It turns out, we weren’t. Oh, we gave it our best try, but the wounds were too deep and now we’re (unofficially) separated. I just wish that separation could have came about in a different way. Affairs are so hurtful to everyone involved. To answer your question, did I know if I wanted to stay married or did it take time, I would say it took me a VERY long time to figure that out. As my wife always told me, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. She was right about that. I wanted her and my ex-lover. In the end, I lost them both. Only you can decide what’s best for you.
Tell me, does your husband know? If he doesn’t, you’re lucky. Never, ever tell him (despite what some do-gooder bastards may tell you).
Tv
Tv – so sorry to hear that you are separating from your wife – I do hope that you are able to find happiness. No, my husband does not know. In some ways it would be much easier if he did, but I know it is better for him if he does not, despite what others may say.
Long time since I have posted on here or even looked at this blog, really no need anymore.
It’s been over 2 years since my D-Day and just over a year since my separation, as much as the separation pains me as a loss of our family, being single has been a breath of fresh for me! There have been some challenges but ultimately my husband and I weren’t happy in our marriage although we loved and cared about each other.
He has since met a lovely girl and they seem very happy, they are moving in together next week.
I am experiencing dating and I love it. I was in my early 20′s when I fell pregnant and got married. Being in my early 30′s and dating is great I have the wisdom and I don’t have a biological clock ticking or a desperation to be married, I feel for the most part content
I hope it works out for you TV. Embrace it, enjoy it, don’t be caught up in bitterness, resentment and regret!
“This is your life. Do what you love and do it often. If you don’t like something, change it. If you don’t like your job, quit. If you don’t have enough time, stop watching TV. If you’re looking for love, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you LOVE. Stop over analyzing, all emotions are beautiful, when you eat appreciate every last bite. LIFE IS SIMPLE. Open your mind, arms and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share an inspiring dream with them. TRAVEL often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating. LIFE IS SHORT. Live your dream AND WEAR YOUR PASSION.”
This quote is for people who are separated after an affair, NOT in an affair, your perception is different in an affair it is not a true reality!!!
Hey. Are you still contactable via email?
Do you still deal with and help others through your experience- or have you long past this now.
Would like to send over a email .
Round1, I’m still around, though I don’t know how much help I am these days. What’s up?
Hi.
I thought i would get in touch as your honesty is refreshing.
I had an affair. 17 months long.
4 months in, he started telling me things that changed the dynamics into an emotional affair.
6 months in he suffers a loss of a parent. Such a strange time, I was trying to help from a distance and text messages whenever I could. I could not be by his side, it was very difficult.
The months that followed we became very close. The affair was very emotional but also very sexual. He began to tell and share everything with me, which I never imagined from him as he kept his emotions very closed. He also started to fall in love.
June this year he told me the bereavement therapist he was seeing, had told him he was depressed. I asked him did he tell his wife, he had told his wife, but it was brushed under the carpet. Once again we became closer, in fact he actually started thinking about me, my needs, buying me little gifts and we started talking about our lives in the past and present. Great times.
I was worried about him though, always, he was losing weight, he was sad, he wasn’t sleeping and was drinking at night and just said he was not happy. I tried all I could to keep him strong. I actually put myself on the back-burner. He was crying more often. He said he missed his dad, hated that his work was so busy and that he was worried about his future, his marriage, he didn’t know what would come of it. He didn’t know what would happen with me and him.
I gave him the option to get out of the affair, I thought It may be complicating things. He told me no, please do not do that to him. He couldn’t handle losing me also. He thought his life would be worse without me. So I stayed. Though a few days later , (though it had been on my mind for some time) I told him, if he really does love me and want to be with me, to stop this affair, end things with is wife, and when things are storted, maybe we could have a few dates n see how we go.
From my point of view, hearing him say he loved me, was something I never expected. I loved him so much. And he did me. I believe that. However I just started to feel he needed to get himself sorted first.
So I ended things. He made contact and I made it clear that the only time I want to hear from him was if he had left.
This is when life changed.
Three days later I found out I was pregnant. (I do take the oral pill). As you can imagine I was shocked and knew he would be. So I told him. He said he would not leave me alone in this.
The next day I called him and his phone rang abroad. He was on holiday with his wife and kids. I flipped my lid! The reason being , a week prior to this, he pitched up at my house, asking to see me, in a state, he had argued with his wife about this holiday. She wanted to go , but he did not. He was too busy. He would rather lose the money. This was the night he was crying heavily on me. Anyway the point was, I asked him , if he does go to please make sure I know about it. He insisted that this was not happening.
As messed up as this will now sound, we had agreed to tell each other everything, regardless of hurting each other. And we had been- holidays-days out- I knew everything they did and he did me (I am single, by the way)
So to me , he had let me down .
Argued for a day , via the phone. I was so upset , my hormones were havoc and I just said to him , I was tired, tired of all his emotions and I needed some time and was sick of the affair. I wanted to see him, but he was in another country. We had some heated words as I wound myself up and in moment of madness I told him I would tell his wife unless he did. That I was sick of him telling me he wanted me, loved me , that he just needed to make a choice.
Boom! There goes my stupid mistake. He did tell his wife. Everything. In fact he said he told her too much. (though I hear that is the best way). He told here where we had sex, who I was, how long it had been going on for etc.
So she calls me- Goes mad and tells me it was my fault because he told me from the onset he would never leave. (very true, he did say this) and that he did not love me. That i am to blame.
She was correct, he did say he would never leave her. Though recently he had spoken about thinking about it, he also said, if he was not webbed up with kids and business, he would not be with her. He said he loves her. He said he is not in love with her. Has been unhappy for years and has to be a certain way at home.
Lies or truth I do not know.
I know from her, she said they did not have marriage problems when I met him and only recently had things not been right. and that she knew he had the potential to cheat on her, as he did it with his first wife, she just never thought he would do that to her. She said she would not forgive him if a baby was born. Also that she still loves him.
The next day he called me. To inform me he does not love me. He loves his wife and has to do what is right by his family. (ouch!) That he will not have anything to do with his baby.
So I made a choice to abort the baby, my theory being she cannot move on unless she knows the baby is not around and the baby would have a father who didn’t want to know it.
So that was that. All left to get on and work on the mess. She decided to stay with him from the on-set.
During this time, I was actually highly emotional because of the baby, not eating, attending a course and just about to launch a business. It was manic! I was also totally blaming myself for the affair. I felt this amazing sense of guilt- towards his wife. I felt so low, I just as a mother myself could not get my head around the fact I had messed with her life and destroyed a family potentially.
So I made a choice to go to therapy and find out why I allowed this to happen. I am work in progress. I made bad choices around the baby, I was thinking of them, not me. It’s painful. I am told I am taking too much blame also. And I am scared of being angry at him.
I actually lost the baby, it was pretty grim. I was scared, alone and just wanted him there. I knew he would not want me to go through this (not as I knew him)..in the mess of things I told him via email. I wasn’t very nice about it.
I got a reply 2 days later , from them both, saying they were sorry , they would not wish that on anyone and they hoped I could put it behind me and move on from it.
Personally, I found it a friggin insult and wanted to ring him and tell him, but instead I just replied to their text (In hindsight I wish I didn’t bother-wasn’t worth the emotions)
Anyway , his wife replied to me saying, her husband had not been in touch with me because as he maintained throughout the affair he wants to be with his family and that they are trying to work things out. And they have two little children to think about and can I leave them alone.
Ok! – I had made no contact with them, other than to say about the baby being lost , they had been contacting me at their free will, and she was telling me to leave them alone !
I also had no intention to contact them, I was emotionally dead to be honest.
I didn’t say half of what I wanted to say to him , I just didn’t have the energy.
I guess I wanted to see what you made of all this. I feel that two months in I have taken steps back not forwards. The reason being, I see them every day and ya know what I feel intimidated by that. They are together, and its just me. I feel like the stupid girl who got involved with a married man , now has nothing. And they are they lucky ones.
Recently she made sure I saw her cuddling him and has been a little more in my face than normal.
All is fine, I can handle myself, in that sense, but I just want to rebuild myself and my life and I expect her to be mad at me, hell if it was me , I would have been around the OW houses and found out all the details.
I am not in their face, I keep me to me. She is oddly cloning me, she has started to dress like me and I am just dam uncomfortable at the moment, I feel like she is maybe having a angry phase and letting me know she is there. I don’t know, but its not healthy.
He passes me, and I mean touching distance and he will not look at me. …that out of all of it is killing me. How can he treat me like I never existed?
How do you cope seeing the OM and his W every day…my soul is dying.
I would never treat someone who stood by me through such a loss, so badly. I would be forever grateful. It is one of those memories you don’t forget. His dads birthday, fathers days and the anniversary of his death, (next week) will all remind him of me, I was there for him. He even said to me, he would never forget that, that I am in his heart and he is glad he met me, would never regret the affair. Why can’t he look at me then? Was that all a lie.
Also, did you have a problem being angry? I cannot seem to get angry at him. I want to , but I push it away. I feel sad more than anything. Just sad that we shared something really special (pre the drama) and its was heartfelt and real, and its all been pissed away down the toilet.
It is like I never existed.
They seem really happy also. I know I will need to accept that side of things, but how the hell do you deal with that?
It is a daily thing. He is even advertising his business in a magazine that I use, he would never use them before, he told me this. He knows I use them for all my work and I open it up and boom there he is.
I did some really crap stuff. I am really surprised I had an affair, but I did. I actually went around his house ( and she knows this ) and I am utterly ashamed of that, but he had a complete breakdown about his dad, she was away. I mean he was a mess and In all honestly I didn’t even know what to do, I just held him.
From his wife’s eyes, she thinks that night was all about sex. but it wasn’t. It was father’s day and he was very upset. (and it was me telling him to take his kids out for a good time, forget things and spend time enjoying them – I wasn’t thinking of myself, I was thinking of helping him) Though he says he told her too much, I just do not believe he told her all the emotional stuff we shared and things he said and felt. Because if so, why the hell has she forgiven him. It is unreal. It seems from her eyes I am to blame and her husband made a mistake. And that it was sex sex sex..it wasn’t.
Do things get easier. Will I ever not care about them being together, will I be able to move on
I actually feel so low lately.
Affairs are bad news and yes the OW does get hurt also. I think the no closure is one of the hardest things to move on from.
Round1,
I apologize for my late reply to your well-written and detailed comment. All I can say is, “Wow!” You’ve really been through a difficult time, especially with the baby who is now passed. I’ve heard a lot of deeply-personal stories on this blog of mine, but yours is the first that involved an unexpected pregnancy. I am very sorry your affair ended this way. Minus the pregnancy, I know exactly what you’re going through, as do most of the people who’ve left comments here. Affairs are a horrible curse that alter the very course of our lives.
How do you deal with it? You just do, day after day, year after year. There is no magic pill to make the pain go away, and the first few years are the hardest. It’s been more than 4 years since my affair ended and I am still dealing with the effects. Namely, my marriage is in the process of ending despite my best efforts to salvage it. But my story is not what’s important here. Yours is.
Simply put, your ex-lover is lying to himself. He is not what most people would describe as happy, and I can assure you, neither is his wife. Thoughts of you are seared in his brain, while his wife becomes obsessed with thoughts of you and him together. Her life has become a living hell. She’s dealing with the worst case scenario in a marriage, or at the very least, a married person’s worst nightmare. They can go through the motions of pretending to be happy, which is what most couples do, because they want to feel like they once did, but ultimately, it doesn’t work. Affairs are like a cancer. They slowly eat away at the very foundation of the marriage, which is built on trust and lifelong exclusivity. Once the cardinal rule of marriage is violated, the rule that says, “No fucking other people,” the marriage slowly morphs into a freakish characacher of its original self. The knowledge of what one spouse did becomes front and center in the relationship. In other worrds, it’s a deal breaker.
Sure, some couples manage to hold it together. They renew their vows, have their first baby and give their lives over to Jesus. Some even move to a faraway state to live in an overpriced tourist town so their marriage can have a fresh start. Plus, it’s always good to put a few hundred miles between your wife and the man she once called her lover.
But I digress.
For you, the bottom line is this: You must learn to let go of this man and move on with your life. I know that you already know that, but it’s the one truth behind all affairs. My biggest regret 4 years later is that I put so much time and energy into dissecting the affair and asking if it meant anything. Just accept the fact that your affair did mean something and that you will always hold a special place in your ex-lover’s heart, but the move the hell on because there are no “do-overs.” That chapter of your life won’t repeat itself. There is no reunion down the road. All you can do is deal with the heroin-like addiction of your feelings while forging a new life for yourself.
I have good news. It gets better. While you won’t forget your affair, you will learn to put it into its proper perspective. You’ll see it as merely a chapter of your life and you’ll come to understand that you’re better off without him. No, getting over an affair is never easy. It’s easier saying it than doing it. But time erases the void we feel when we lose someone we care about.
Go forward. And hang in there.
Tv
P.S. You’re not married, correct?
Tv, thank you for your reply at length, i know you have progressed from this blog somewhat , so your comments are appreciated.
I am not married, this is correct. Single, very attractive , business woman, mother of one! ..but lost in a place that results after an affair.
I agree with you and look forwards to the day i can put the affair in the perspective that it really is. When i come to figure that out!
I am so caught up in what they are doing, seeing them all the time – life looks from my eyes , that things didn’t change for him. He got to keep his family. What did he lose, what lesson has he learnt. It is business as normal. I understand his wife will be making his life hell for a while, but ultimately they will work through this together. He is heavily working on his business (which is what he does best, how he copes with emotions). In fact they both are involved in the business heavily now. In every paper i pick up , looking so happy. It may be real , may be fake, but gosh it stabs my heart like a bloody fork!
So those thoughts i have are so negative and i need to distance myself from thinking about them/going over the affair again and again. Like you said, i am also wasting so much time here. So its good to know it is a process.
I actually got angry the day that has just passed. Like a mad woman i was shouting at him (to myself). I felt so tired after, like really exhausted. Just tired of it all, slightly indifferent and just unable to fight and take anymore of it. My mind feels a little calmer since.
I will take each day as it comes, as you mentioned and keep working on myself via therapy. I can be a better person and make sure i never enter an affair again.
What I also feel about affairs is that it is sad, sad that you share such wonderful moments and intimate thoughts and feelings and in the end , it is erased through the hurt that shatters the life of all involved. I wonder if i will ever feel the same about MM. Remember him for the man i loved. I know i bought something special to his life and certainly helped him through his darker times associated with his loss of his father. I hope he remembers that , if anything. Because it was real and special and it is not often people touch our lives in a positive way. I am glad i was able to do that.
So shame , shame that in the end , the affects of him telling his wife , caused a massive scar on all our lives.
I am sorry your marriage did not make it. I wonder if you are glad you tried, glad you had the opportunity to give it all you could , or in hindsight do you feel it would have been better to walk once the affair was found out.
Have a good weekend. Thanks again.
I take your words on board.
I know I am joining this blog well after you have moved on from it but if you do read this… I want to thank you immensely. I’m in day one of moving in from and extremely intense and volatile affair that lasted 14 months He got caught in month 1 be he has an over bearing, snooping, smothering wife who he has told me he despises and makes him sick over and over again. She caught him again in august and we still continued. Both of us are married w young children. It’s a mess. We talked about a life together but I guess we never loved each other deeply enough to take tat leap of faith and so we existed in a bubble where I played by his rules …bc he had been caught and now she was even more of a smothering controlling b. if he even touched his phone in her presence, she went ballistic and at the end of the day…his desire to keep peace with and appease her outweighed his desire to not make me feel insecure and anxious. My situation at home sounds very much like your OW ..i was/am ignored and so it was easy for me to put him first and always be available at his whim. This imbalance destroyed us. I still blame myself for not being more sympathetic and accepting especially considering the hell he has gone through since she learned of us. She threatened to tell my husband but never did bc I know she feared if he left me, them that would open door for him to leave her and be with me. So instead she kept her head in the sand and fought to keep him…fought hard. I’m disgusted with myself on so many levels. Disgusted for allowing him to take me for granted all this time but I loved him dearly and although I accused him of not loving me the same, I know he did. I just could not curb my jealousy and hurt around the inequality of the relationship so I pulled the trigger and reemed him out Saturday calling him every hurtful thing I could muster bc it was the only way I knew how to make him feel like I felt the night before …after we spent a magical day together and he went home and had date night sushi with her and pretended I dropped off the face of the earth. Typical. What we fought about always. She threatened divorce 2 weeks ago but man, she doesn’t quit….head in sand etc etc. I tried to backpedal and just say we needed time apart (he was leaving today for family vaca…yay!) but it was him who said he finally needed to be the bad guy and end this cycle. I know he is right and that it needs to be but I’m crushed. I read almost all of your posts today in effort to distract/console/validate myself. I related to so much. I know this will be it for him. Know there is no “try again” left. We have done it too many times. What I’ll struggle most with is wondering if he went back to loving her… If he misses me much like you wondered. I don’t know how he can live his life with her without me really. I always said to him that I felt I enabled him to be able to stay bc it provided him happiness and without me, he’d be the controlled withering soul that she wanted him to be. So I ask you, how do you go back to finding love with your wife after losing the love you had and cherished? I need to know for myself and bc I need to know how he will do it. Was everything he said felt for me a lie. I cannot accept that. I hope you read this and know how much your blog has helped me. I still have a long road ahea
Kaye, you sound like me 4 years ago, completely focused on the future of his marriage and less concerned about your own. I get it. You want to know how he can go back to a wife whose issues sent him to you in the first place. It doesn’t make sense, does it? Well, as you can tell from this blog I spent months, if not years, exploring the issue of what made my ex-lover tick. And in the end, my search for answers came up empty. The only thing I concluded was that my ex didn’t feel as strongly about me as I did her. I was a temporary “comfort” while she got her own life straightened out. I gave her acceptance (and closeness) when her husband wouldn’t.
The point is, people ultimately do what’s best for them. I’m sure this is the case with your MM (Married Man). Remember, when affairs are exposed, the rules change. There is no more slipping around and loving each other in secret. Enormous pressures come from our spouses to either shape up or get the hell out. You should consider yourself lucky where this is concerned. Your husband doesn’t know. At least not yet. But your MM? He’s in a world of shit. Unless he wants to get a divorce and leave his small children, the best thing he can do is what he’s doing now. Also, don’t underestimate the power of “family.” When affairs happen, spouses, children, in-laws, cousins, etc. come out of the woodwork to try to preserve the marriage. Also, you asked how can he stay with his wife if he doesn’t truly love her? Trust me, people settle for lives without romantic love just to reap all the other benefits that come from family.
Yes, you do have a long road ahead. Your first assignment: get over him. What the two of you once had is no more and never will be again. That is the God’s honest truth.
Tv
Thanks TV for your response. It means a lot. There is a lot to this as you know. He recently met with a lawyer said w was getting out regardless of whether or not it was what she really wanted but that was one week. Then things calmed down and she got off his case and they started to act as a family again. This wishy washy pattern always drove me nuts and left me feeling like such a fool. I was jealius of course. I wanted to be the one doing those things with him and he was doing them with someone he claimed he was mentally and physically repulsed by. I know he was scared to lose his kids. I was scared to disrupt my own family. I don’t know that I ever would have. My husband and I have issues. I’ve been emotionally neglected for years. His focus is on our children which is fantastic but somewhere along the line, he stopped feeling that I also needed care and nurturing. A bad side effect of my being a very strong and independent woman…at least on the exterior. My OM knew the inner core of me. I was able to let him and only him in to see that sensitive and insecure side. He took advantage of that. Played into my emotions and need for romance. He needed it too I suppose. I know we loved each other. I know that. I know it has to be over. Many times before when we ended things, we would come to conclusion that we’d rather stay even though it was a risk and we would take what we could get. The problem is it always went right back to me giving more, being available more and him paying good husband which I knew was Bs. I called him a two faced fraud and coward the other day amongst other things. I’m sorry for those words now bc I know they destroyed whatever we had left. There will be no again. It’s tainted and destroyed. I know it is for the best but it’s a hard pill to swallow. God I miss him
Let me add that the relationship was truly causing me to self destruct. I was anxious and on edge consumed all of a sudden with what he was doing at home with her. It wasn’t always that way but I think once he started truly talki g about leaving her, I got more anxious for lots of reasons and then his actions would be contradictory and all I could focus on was talking about them not is any ore. I was drinking to excessand smoking again…self destructing, unfocused on work etc. The problem is having it be over is not making me feel more in control at all right now. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin and all I want to do is call him and say that one last thing. Maybe i want ro rey to convince him we are worth another chance who knows? Thankfully he is away with his family and that option is not on table. Hopefully a few more days and soul searching will dull the ache I feel in my stomach.
Dear TV:
Thank you for this blog. I am in month three post “blow-up”–on his end. I appreciate all the rawness and searing honesty you have posted. Three months of “radio silence” and I still look like that dog on the old anti-depressant commercial–sitting at the screen door, leash in mouth, waiting for a walk with the beloved master. Your blog has helped me understand how my exLover had to retreat entirely to save his marriage and yet I can see that he loved me too and suffered at cutting our ties. It does get easier with time, but I still find myself in the “elephant graveyard”, fingering the bones of our dead relationship. I have read most of your site and have found peace in knowing 1. I am not a bad person and 2. I am not alone in this experience. I am sorry to see that after several years of your fighting very hard to stay in your marriage, that it has failed. It seems we are forever changed by the affair–the lovers, the spouses,and it is a tough slog through grief, healing, redemption if we can find it. I have not told my husband about the affair, but he surely knows something has happened. If he had gone to any website proclaiming “the 10 signs your spouse is having an affair”, he would surely recognize half. I wish you had a better outcome for all your suffering, but at least hope for you a future with someone who can love you in a way that brings you happiness. I know that is what I hope for myself one day.
Island Girl, sorry for my late reply. I check this blog less often than ever, which is a good thing, I suppose. I can assure you, you are not a bad person. “Shits happens,” as they say, and we’re all just human. On the bright side of things, you will learn from this. We all do, and I’d like to think we emerge from affairs wiser and more prepared for what life throws at us. I’m happy to hear your husband does not know about your affair, even if he suspects something is different about you. Many people believe it’s better to tell them, or that the truth comes out eventually. But trust me, you do NOT want to see the look on his face if he finds out. It’s not his anger I’m talking about, but rather, the look of brokenness. Put it this way: My wife will never be the same after finding out about my affair. It has destroyed her life. My actions have destroyed her life. I’d do anything to take it all back. You never realize how much your spouse loved you and counted on you until you’ve destroyed that love. Of course, I never planned to tell my wife. I didn’t need to. My batshit crazy bipolar ex-lover took care of that for reasons that will always elude me. The good news is, my wife has forgiven me, but we’ve mutually decided to end our marriage. She deserves better than me. And I deserve……..a hot little “thang” who likes to party and get majorly poked by the likes of me. (Just kidding.) I, too, hope I find someone special.
Hang in there. This does get better. I promise.
Tv
Oh man. So glad I found this blog. Had an affair with a co-worker that lasted 4 months before my husband found out. That was hell. Then it took me another 5 months to finally end it once and for all. Our last intimate contact was December 30 2011. We ended it mutually after five months of TRYING to end. It might be easier if we ever had to see each other again, but we work in the same field and have to see each other occasionally for work. I’m nervous as there’s a good chance I’ll see him tomorrow at a work related event. I have a love/hate relationship with seeing him. I miss him like crazy so I LOVE seeing him, but it opens up old wounds. It helps to know I’m not alone. Anyone still reading this Blog? I could use some moral support. There’s no one I can talk to about this.
Zoe
Hey…
I don’t even know if anyone will read this. maybe I’m just writing for myself.
Anyway… I saw him last night at a work related event. It was so nice to see him & talk to him and to discover that he misses me as much as I miss him. We have been amazing at the NO CONTACT thing for a month and a half now.
There was a party at a restaurant/bar after the event. He asked if I’d walk over with him. I was reluctant, as I’ve been advised not to be alone with him, but I broke that rule and walked with him, telling myself we’d technically be in public. He wanted to grab his coat out of his car as it was freezing out and asked if i’d sit in his car with him while he had a cigarette. I told him “I’m afraid of your car.” Hate to sound like a stupid high school kid, but the truth is, we’ve made some pretty passionate love in his car. He said “I know.” When we got to the car, which was on a brightly lit main street, he persuaded me to get in for a sec as it was FREEZING. I was really uncomfortable about it…he could tell so we didn’t stay long.
We walked to the party and got to hang out like “friends” Nobody knows we had an affair so we hung with people we know but basically stayed close by each other the whole night. We walked with a group of friends to our cars and as luck would have it… we got to our friends cars first and we were both left standing alone on the street again. My car was right up the street and his was a ways away… so STUPIDLY I let him get in my car so I could give him a ride to HIS car. BIG MISTAKE! We started kissing in the car. It was just so nice to be with him again. We made out and did some light petting but it was starting to get a little hot & heavy and I KNOW where that leads. Then, all of a sudden MY PHONE RANG AND IT WAS MY HUSBAND! Saved by the bell you might say. It was awkward – I’m a terrible liar and my husband came right out and asked me if he was in the car with me. I HATE lying, but of course I did.
I hung up and I immediately drove him to his car and dropped him off. I am SO MAD AT MYSELF FOR LETTING THAT HAPPEN! I feel like absolute shit today. There’s no question it was a huge mistake and I can’t believe I put my relationship with my husband in jeopardy again. The truth is, getting to kiss him again wasn’t even all THAT great – it felt like I fell into it with him out of habit more than anything else. I can’t enjoy it like I used to because the horrible feelings that go with it outweigh any pleasure I might get in the heat of the moment.
I like the guy a lot, and I know he likes me. Maybe we even have a kind of real love for each other. But if I REALLY loved him I know I wouldn’t keep doing that and neither would he. Earlier in the evening he asked how things were with my husband and I told him they were good. He said he was relieved and happy to hear that as he holds enormous guilt around the idea of destroying our marriage. He is single, was living with a woman when we first started up, but broke up and moved out. She never found out about the affair. They have a child but never married.
We’ve got to let each other go. I can’t begin to tell you how awful I feel right now. NOT WORTH IT! I’m so glad my husband called when he did because I fear how far things might have gotten if he hadn’t. The shame and guilt I feel right now is overwhelming and I hope it’s enough to teach me NEVER to go there again. I”m scared because I think he may be at another work thing I have on Wednesday night of this week. If he is I have got to make a point to stick to my rule of NEVER BE ALONE WITH HIM!
Hoping maybe all I needed was an experience of of how SHITTY it actually feels to go backwards. It really shattered my fantasy world and maybe that’s what I needed. I’m gonna call what happened last night a REALITY CHECK and move on.
I hope someone reads this and can learn from my mistake.
DON”T DO IT! NOT WORTH IT!
Love…
~Zoe~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Here’s a text exchange i just had with him.
Me: All is well here. No worries.
Him: Thanks! Nice to se you….
Him: Was so worried, driving home last night. Relieved that all is well. Maybe we’ll get the chance to have a proper catch-up…I’ll be thinking about you.
Me: I knew you were worried. Me too. I want to be a good person…. feeling like a bit of a failure. I miss you, g…. I be thinking of you too…
Him: I understand. I want you to be happy! XO
Me: xo
Zoe, thanks for your comments. Here’s the bottom line to your situation: If you had an affair, got caught and are now continuing to see your ex-lover, your marriage WILL come to an end soon. It’s as simple as that. You’re treading on thin ice. If you truly care about your husband, you need to make sure you never have contact with your ex-lover again. Even if your job brings you in contact with him, you can’t allow yourself to talk about anything other than work. I’m not trying to sound harsh, but the rules of post-affair life are absolute. There can be no contact whatsoever. And there can be no friendship with your ex at any level. Think of it this way, your husband has been through a lot already. He doesn’t deserve to go through it again. If you don’t love your husband, you should divorce him. Don’t become like so many other people who go through their lives “pretending” to be happy and in love with their spouse. But you must make a choice and make it soon.
Tv
Thanks for the straight talk, TV. Your words are sobering. My Valentine’s day present to my husband will be to renew my commitment to keep myself honest and to avoid all contact with my ex. I know it’s the only way. Brand new day. ~Zoe
Zoe, good luck! I should add that renewing one’s commitment to their spouse after an affair isn’t easy. For some people, it’s impossible. If, after two or three years of trying you feel “stuck,” I would recommend ending your marriage…for your own sake. Life is short. There is no time to waste. You are either happy or you’re not.
Thanks tv…
I’ve been doing some serious soul searching.
My husband had a rough valentine’s day. The whole affair thing suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. He caught a serious wave of sadness that overwhelmed our valentine’s day and the day after. It was important for me to experience the depth of the pain & suffering I’ve caused him. It was really sobering. For a while there I thought he wanted to leave me. He has assured me he is willing to stay together & heal together. I’ve been really unsettled ever since.
Had a couple of longish phone calls with my X and we agree that that if we have to choose between the dull ache we feel when we’re apart & the level of anxiety & sheer panic we feel all the time now when we’re taking risks – then we’ll choose the dull ache. It’s impossible to enjoy his company now because of all the other feelings that go along with it. That’s the nature of an affair. It’s NOT GOOD and the longer it lasts the WORSE it gets.
I didn’t see him Wednesday, I saw him last night, Thursday. He totally avoided me. We didn’t speak. As SICK as it sounds & I hate to have to admit it – I was hurt – Yup – MAD. Even though I know he’s doing it because it’s what we agreed was best. I mean, that’s just sick. I am really angry at myself. In a way I think that’s necessary for me right now. I’m really pissed at myself and I SHOULD be. My behavior has been alarmingly out of control, dangerous, and unacceptable.
I don’t like who I’ve become. I don’t like that I’m wrestling with these feelings. I hate how out of control I’ve been. I can’t believe I would do such a thing to my husband. I feel unworthy of him right now. If our marriage ended it would have a HUGE impact on many people’s lives. I am feeling horrified and ashamed of the choices I’ve made.. I am sobered. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I am deeply ashamed and am only just beginning to become aware of how much damage I have done and how much damage I have managed to avoid. I have been very lucky. I have to really look at my life and figure out who I am & who I want to be.
A lot has happened in me in the last two days… a big part of me never wants to see or to talk to him ever again. It’s about time. I think I’ve been a real fool.
Thanks for listening…
~ Zoe~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Zoe: I feel for you that you must continue to encounter your ex-lover. Fortunately, I have not had to face mine for four months. There was a recent conference I attended and held my breath that my exMM not be there. Whether his wife forbade it, or he simply decided not to venture onto “my turf” (I would obviously be at this meeting), I was grateful I didn’t have to contend with my feelings for him in such a public setting. Truth be told, I was torn between hoping to get a glimpse of him (and thus know he was OK) and relief I didn’t have to experience re-opened wounds. TVExplorer is right, in that the feelings do fade somewhat with time. I will always love my exMM, but respect that his silence and absence means he chose to remain with his wife–for whatever reason.
I still grieve the loss of my lover, and now must turn my attention to what to do with a husband I no longer love. Not only “not in love’ with him, but “not loving” him the way a wife loves her husband. I am sad, and dismayed at his recent displays of affection for Valentine’s day–a card saying how lucky he was the day he fell in love with me, some physical advances rebuffed by me (I can’t bear for him to touch me). I have not told him of this affair, but marvel that he must have absolutely no idea. The strain of my year-long double life, the years we both neglected this marriage, the anger I felt over his workaholism, all have taken their toll and I am too tired to put energy in. My only hope now is that I fall in love with him due to some Stockholm Syndrome type phenomenon. That’s about what it would take. I am now exploring what I want to do, getting counseling, taking things slowly, aware that time is moving on and if I wish to leave my husband, that it must be with integrity (meaning sans the third person), and timely enough so that he could find new love.
If you still love your husband, please do as TV says, and invest in him. Give up your X. It isn’t too late for you as you both seem to wish it to work.
Good luck to you.
Island Girl……….
Zoe, I’m inspired by your strength and self awareness on this issue. I on the other hand feel weak bordering on pathetic. As I tell myself I need to let go and work on my marriage, I hunger for contact and perhaps even a future with my OM. Rationally, I know I need to move on. But, I simply am unable to do it. My husband is a good person. Maybe we won’t figure it out, but he is good. The one who has my heart loves me but if I am really honest probably won’t ever do anything about it. He tells me … but doesn’t show me the love … there are compelling reasons for him to stay but in the end I am in the same spot as so many who write here on this blog. We started making plans for a future. Serious plans. But, couldn’t follow through. Mostly he couldn’t. But if push came to shove, I’m not sure how it would work out for me either. One of the most difficult parts is that it has been so long since I have truly been happy. The sneaking and self loathing that comes from doing what we do is awful. The wreckage it causes to those around you. The thrill of the “secret” died long long ago. My personality is to want to it all. Though not jealous by nature, the scenario of being with someone who is married was not a good one for me. Like TV says, I feel really stuck. Not sure how to find happiness anymore. Overwhelmed. Those here have told me what I need to do and I’ve done it … but it has been hard to make it stick. The calls, emails. gifts, visits … bring me back to square one. Even trying to create physical distance has not worked. I worry about my two kids. I worry about how I’ve become this person who just hangs on. I never dated married men EVER. Always wanted to be the girl. Thought I had this all figured out. Could rise above the emotion. Sometimes I feel like the next step might be the asylum.
I’ve written here before and received really good advice. But, like they say … sometimes good advice is hard to follow. I need to let go. I really do.
test
Island girl, I totally agree. Seeing the person would be a killer. I am not sure that I could hold it all together. Not even the pain of marathons or the death a family member have been as complicated or as hard to process. I fear I may be doing permanent damage. What are some of your thoughts on how to invest in my marrage. How do you create physical intimacy. Passion. That one really stumps me. My H and I are good friends. We have a lot of fun and things in common. He is good to me. Not that I deserve it. But, I am so damned bored. How do you live with someone for years and expect to keep it fresh. And, how do you face the reality that it will NEVER be even close to the crazy, over the top, slightly out of control connection one has with the OM. Email, SMS, the internet, phones, make no contact almost impossible, esp for the weak. I am so open to ideas and any good news that is out there.
Hey Island Girl & Wantsomethingbetter,
Thanks for your comments. It helps to have people to “talk” to about all this.
Yeah, I am at the point where I don’t ever want to see him again, though that’s not likely to be the case. It’d be so much easier to move on if it were. I just found out there’s a work related function coming up that he will definitely be present at and now trying to decide with my husband if we will go. He says, “you go without me” but I don’t really want to be in that position again. Part of me wants to show up with my husband and watch my X squirm. Maybe we can get away with not going at all, but it’s tricky. I hate that I’ve put myself and my husband in such an awkward position personally and professionally.
The good news is that my husband and I are working very closely on a project together for work (yes, all 3 of us are in the same profession) and it’s giving us the opportunity to come together through our work…the way we did originally more than 25 years ago. This is a real gift.
I want to recommend another blog to both of you – and to anyone else looking for ways to heal your marriage. This Blog on The Art of Intimacy has so much helpful information on affairs, how to end them, & restoring intimacy – I highly recommend you check it out:
go here —-> http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/
Meanwhile… Here’s to re-committing, re-investing and making LOVE more of a VERB than a feeling. More a matter of CHOICE than a matter of chance. I’m noticing the more I choose to ACT out of love, the more I FEEL love. There’s something in this. I think I’m more likely to ACT my way into the feelings. If I wait for a feeling – I may never take action. Love is an act of the will and has tremendous payoffs. I’m gonna give it my all. My husband deserves my whole heart.
Sending Love & good positive vibes……
~Zoe ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Zoe: thanks for the website. It is very upbeat. And yes, I am fully aware that love is a choice. I am processing that concept. My marriage has been troubled for years,and frankly I had thought of leaving many times over. The affair unleashed pent up feelings, and yes, passion. Prometheus brought me fire, but he is now chained to a rock, and likely his wife is eating his liver daily……As TVExplorer has said elsewhere on this site, one has to stop obsessing/worrying about the Affair Partner and move into repairing the self-damage that has occurred. I will never be the same again. Damaged, yes. Weirdly, also grateful on some level that I was able to feel that heat and desire again…..I am trying to be thankful for the lessons that I never thought I had to learn!!!! I have adhered to TV’s take that confessing to one’s spouse is not always the right answer. There are those who state you must, but I agree with TV that the betrayal & anguish that the revelation causes is likely not worth whatever small relief you get from unloading on your hapless husband/wife. Nope, it is counseling and interior work for me……I am still having ups and downs, but they seem more attenuated, not as dramatic these days….Almost four months out and while I will never forget my OM, perhaps I can get through the day without grieving the loss. Good luck to you Zoe–your attitude is uplifting and your optimism makes me smile.
wantsomethingbetter: just let him (OM) go…..trust that it will be ok…..I know what you mean about being in a boring, tired marriage. If you have the desire to work it out, then do. I am actually grateful that this thing blew up (especially as it was on MM’s end not mine), as I was exhausted by living two lives…..now that I’m down to one, it is a little easier. I am still working on that “passion” thing. I am fond of my husband, and respect that he and I have raised children together, but love and passion seem quite far away….I’m thinking that I have to get over the grief/loss first, then can attend to that matter. I think about all the arranged marriages and how they are “successful”, in that the public veneer is so perfect that no one realizes the sadness locked inside–but they remain together. The embers of the fire that Prometheus brought me are dying and I am slipping back into the comfortable “agreement” that we (my Husband and I) have come to. I have to laugh: my affair partner turned to me one day and said: “I was doing fine before I met you.” I knew immediately that he was conveying to me that he would be “fine” after we were through. Well, I am doing “fine” now, but am saddened that I will likely return to that perfect but passionless state. Joy? A distant memory……They always say in the movies that people should be that they had that one moment of true love and happiness, but the truth is that affairs bring scant moments of love/happiness followed by pain, loneliness, and sorrow. Worth it? that is the question we all have to answer……
Previous posting missed a word: “They always say in the movies that people should be _HAPPY_ that they had that one moment of true love and happiness, but the truth is that affairs bring scant moments of love/happiness followed by pain, loneliness, and sorrow. Worth it? that is the question we all have to answer……”
thanks
IG
The website is a good one and I’ve spent time reading it. Thank you for the tip, Zoe. Though at times I found myself bristling … rationalizing … that my circumstances were different. That my husband’s conduct, or misconduct, somehow justified my actions. Which is total BS, I know. Hate being THAT girl. The one who thought she had it figured out and got emotionally attached to the point of near ruin. Who did what the world seems to universally condemn.
IG, you are so right. It started out happy, and FUN. Really fun. Then it wasn’t. Time, distance, broken promises, real life …. Can be crushing. Is crushing. The last 12 months have been excruciating. Thankfully, we work in different fields. Wanting more. Thinking, or knowing, I won’t get it. “I love you but I can’t leave.” “I’ve never wanted something more, but I can’t.” “I will never get over you or be happy, but I don’t think we can move forward.” The false hope makes me crazy. Prometheus Bound. Not the first time I’ve heard that. He thinks he is Prometheus. I am working to let go. Progress is slow. He is not letting go … but we are not moving forward. I worry about my 2 kids. About the impact on my husband. Am I that selfish? What constitutes no contact? Those rules are easily bent. I’ve sometimes worried about what it will be like when OM really lets go. Would it be easier if he did?
Did your marriages start out happy? Fulfilling? Or, do you question your choice from the beginning? Why do you stay married? Those that have moved on in one form or another give me hope. I feel like maybe I am not marriage material. That the idea of two people living together forever is just too hard. I worry too that maybe you don’t know what you have until it is gone. Not sure how I got so off track.
Wantsomethingbetter,
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and while you may not be alone in this situation (as so many who have come to this site can attest to), you are the only person who can save yourself from this. It may sound daunting at first, and it will be incredibly hard. However it will also become one of the most empowering things you will ever earn for yourself, especially when you make the conscious choice to leave a very unhealthy situation. You are much, much stronger and resilient than you think you are.
Start with making the choice. Then take little steps each way, every day. It will be an arduous journey but the destination will be worth every bit of pain you go through. Celebrate little victories like each time you wanted to call him but didn’t. Lean on trusted friends for support. Count your blessings every day for things that *are* going well in your life (kids, health, roof over your head, etc). There are others out there in much more dire circumstances. While this is not intended to discount what you are going through, it will hopefully help provide a more balanced perspective on things during some of the tougher moments where you are really struggling. Meditate. Take up new hobbies or projects to help distract yourself. It will get easier each day. Time really does help tremendously.
Life is short, fragile, unexpected, unfair. You can choose to wring your hands and spend each day bemoaning this fact, or you can choose to rise up to the challenge and create something better, stronger and more beautiful for yourself.
I truly hope it is the latter because you are absolutely worth the fight.
Hey Island Girl & wantsomethingbetter
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m glad you found that blog. She’s got a great posts about Affairs “How to end an Affair” was really helpful for me. I began posting on that comment thread of that blog & also on “Are you having an affair? How will it end?” as a way to process the end of my affair – she also has all kinds of great stuff on restoring intimacy etc. Anyway… I’m sure you’ll find whatever interests you.
Island Girl writes:
“They always say in the movies that people should be _HAPPY_ that they had that one moment of true love and happiness, but the truth is that affairs bring scant moments of love/happiness followed by pain, loneliness, and sorrow. Worth it? that is the question we all have to answer……”
It’s easy for me to recognize now that I was mistaking happiness or joy with pleasure. My affair brought me a great deal of pleasure – especially at first – but I can’t say I was truly happy or experiencing any lasting joy. I felt guilty, ashamed and anxious quite a bit of the time. It took a while, but hat eventually made spending time with my X not worth it. It was not a sustainable relationship. I know now that what me and my X had was not real. It was fun, exciting, I liked him, maybe even loved him, but It was all based on fantasy. We never had to deal with the challenge of everyday living with each other. That’s a whole other ballgame. We were not in a real relationship. It was an affair. Worth it? My relationship with the X looks like chump change next to what I have with my husband.
I feel for you, wantsomethingbetter. The place you are in sounds so familiar. That place of “limbo” was sheer torture for me. Getting on the other side of that has been crucial. There was no moving on for me until it was really over. I feel a huge difference in myself having finally let go. Huge relief.
I was definitely happy in my marriage from the beginning and was never particularly aware that I was unhappy. Not to say we don’t have our issues, don’t get me wrong, but we’re a great match. My affair took me by surprise. I think I got into it out of a kind of insecurity and a need for validation from outside. I was also vulnerable having just lost a close friend to cancer… Issues of mortality…then circumstances at work brought us very close…working intimately…and.. what was I thinking? It’s hard to fathom now.
Island Girl writes:
“I have to laugh: my affair partner turned to me one day and said: “I was doing fine before I met you.” I knew immediately that he was conveying to me that he would be “fine” after we were through.”
Interesting. I remember saying that to my X on several occasions. I used to say “there’s nothing wrong with my husband” “I was doing fine” I really think i was. I think I have major work to do on myself and my own investment in my marriage. I think I have taken it way too much for granted. I need to invest more. I think for me it is definitely a case of “You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.” I would be devastated to lose what I have with my husband. I’d be a fool to screw us up. We are really great together.
I need to grow up.
Thanks for reading me…
~Zoe~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Zoe: I absolutely agree that the affair brought NO lasting joy, but there were small moments. I was so hungry for the crumbs he threw my way. Finally one of my friends–my staunchest confidante—reminded me that I deserve “the whole enchilada”!!! It was a moment of truth….. I had also realized that if I were to put the energy I had spent into all those eMails and texts to my MM and redirect those efforts toward my husband, my marriage likely would have improved significantly. Could it be? That my husband was as starved for attention as I? Yup.
My marriage was happy in the beginning but years of career building and raising children wore us down. We focused on the tasks “at hand” and let something precious slip through our tired fingers. My AP was “trolling” and snagged me when I was going through challenges on multiple fronts so my resistance was down. He likely is a serial adulterer, but that doesn’t seem to diminish the pain of losing him. Crazy, isn’t it? With time the grieving gets better. Right now I am getting caught by sadness when I see a vehicle like his(AP) go by. And a recurring event is in town that I associate with him. I am still getting out there. I refuse to let him “own” my quadrant of the city. Re-encountering him would be painful (although unlikely), and I have two friends that stand ready to listen by phone if I melt down. there will come a day when encountering him will be OK and life will go on. He will have moved to his next prey and I will have emerged from this stronger and aware of what I want–and deserve–in a committed relationship. At present I am staying in this marriage–we are feeling our way along. Too soon to know the final outcome but I am making no sudden moves.
Wantsomethingbetter, the advice of snowleopard is correct: have faith, take small steps, know that you are not alone out there. Each day it does get better…..you are in my thoughts.
Island Girl
Thanks for the great words of wisdom, snowleopard. I just noticed your post this morning. I hadn’t seen it before. Really good to hear these encouraging words. Hang in there Island Girl & wantsomethingbetter….. We can do this. ~Zoe~*~*~*~*~*~
Snowleopard, Island Girl, Zoe: Maybe you don’t get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need. Snowleopard, it was if your words spoke straight to my soul … your message seemed to come from nowhere — showed up in the thread … you were so positive. So kind. Really moved me. Really what I needed. More that you may ever know. You too, Island Girl and Zoe.
Snowleopoard, you advise to “start with making the choice.” Simple to read. Harder to put into practice I am finding out. That is where I **almost** am but also where I get stuck. My OM and I spent nearly 4 years getting to know each other; talking sometimes hours a day; sending gifts; skyping; writing letters; sending gifts; seeing each other sometimes for many days at a time when we could. While I tell myself most of it was fantasy BS, and unfair to my real husband, my heart was so divided. I actually saw us getting married. He told me he wanted to and gave me a ring of sorts. He told me many things … who really knows what was the truth. He has his real life which I really know nothing about if I am honest with myself. He says that his mother is ill and he needs to stay put. Family is too important and daughters would be devastated. How do you argue with that really?
The truth of it, I would have tried it with him. I think I might have. Oh, the guilt. Time with OM really was incredible. We have traveled, seen movies, gone to dinner, went to the opera, sailed on the ocean, laid together for hours just talking. Almost like being married. Almost. The other truth is that my husband is a really good guy. We’ve had some serious differences but have tried to get back on track. He is good to me. We have something real and good. I too suffered losses, my mother died, just before I met OM and became tempted. At the same time, I like IG suffered from anxiety, guilt, and probably depression over the state of the illici relationship. Feel bad about myself. Worried about the consequences. Wanted more. Hated sneaking around. Spent some serious time in the fetal position crying, which is not the sign of a healthy relationship, is it? The thing that kept me going was the (false?) hope of something more or better.
So, my comforting triumvirate … I assume you are each women but there is at least the perception of anonymity on line. First, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to write me. I am trying to be a good student of your words. Please keep writing me if you’re able. And I will write you as well.
So I need to make **the choice***. Choose something different. I’ve tried … the longest we’ve made it is about 5 days. Kind of pathetic. I am not what I would call a weak or easily swayed person, but this is the most emotional thing I have ever experienced. Crazy hard. The thought of telling him I want no more contact fills me with anxiety and can move me to tears. (who am I?).
I know that this is my journey, but snowleapord, could you help me break it down … I sometimes think it would be easier if he just dumped me and refused all contact. But he is not much better than I am. What do you recommend for the next 14 -30 days? What could I do to start moving forward. I’ve read a ton on this, but I’d love to hear your take. You are very kind people. Thanks for being part of my journey.
WSB
Snowleopard
Your email is really fantastic … You say …. Start with making the choice. Then take little steps each way, every day. It will be an arduous journey but the destination will be worth every bit of pain you go through. Celebrate little victories like each time you wanted to call him but didn’t. Lean on trusted friends for support. Count your blessings every day for things that *are* going well in your life (kids, health, roof over your head, etc).
Feel like I am starting a college essay and can’t get out the first lines. Not the most complicated thing, but I just can’t get started. When I asked to break it down, that’s what I was referring to …. how do you get started … break the (bad) habit and start a better one ….
Anyway, you really are a sweet kind person. Thank you.
Dearest wantsomethingbetter……yes, I AM a woman…However, I have seen men pour out their hearts and souls on these blogs as well. I appreciate being a “mentor”, bur honestly we are all learning from each other. I am nearly four months out from “D-Day”, and it didn’t happen on my side. I did not leave him, therefore my journey is a little different from yours, but oh, I so feel the pain you describe. I too would have dropped everything in my current life to join him and just go somewhere else with him. Fortunately, I guess, he had the smarts to just stay put and accept his fate. I have often wondered about how things are going for him, but really agree that No Contact is the only way we are all going to heal and move on in this drama. I am quite sure that he is drowning in vitriol at this moment. As have we all, I have scanned the blogs by betrayed wives and seen the searing pain and anger they experience. I am not proud that I had a hand in causing OM’s wife such deep distress. He had always portrayed her as somewhat emotionally frail, so the consequences of our actions are even more horrendous. I also believe that he had done this before, although I never wanted to think that of him. Looking back over eMails, I can see the possibility that he had indeed lured me–and others–in the same fashion. That doesn’t make me hate him, much to my amazement. As I said before, he brought me “fire”, and I guess I am learning from that experience that I can have passion–and deserve it–just needs to be from someone who will be available, present, and completely there for me. TV EXplorer is right, we must learn from this and move on…..IT…….IS……..OVER………So take what you can and incorporate the life’s lesson.
As composed as I sound, I still have my “days”…..the other day I saw a vehicle similar to his (AP) on the freeway. I tried to catch up to it. It wasn’t him, thank goodness, but what the hell would I have done if it were???? Make him pull over???? Play bumper cars???? Drive into the concrete dividers??? So, I go “wiggy” every now and then….Ah yes, that fetal position. I know it well……Climbed into that several times a week for the first few months, but those gut-wrenching, soul gushing cries are waaaaaaay fewer now. I can promise you, that no matter who ends the relationship, that things WILL get better with time. The pain fades…and you still get to keep whatever you wish of the memories….
Snowleopard, thank you for posting in a calm and composed manner. I have thought of changing my handle to SadderButWiserWoman, as I am definitely no “girl”!!! But I must say, you sound as if you are a SBWW yourself. Thanks for your “been there, you can do it” demeanor.
Zoe, good on you, girl!!! We do sound like dormitory room-mates on this blog. Guess we could have a virtual toenail-painting-party. I’ll bring the margaritas…….
I want to thank TV Explorer for permitting us to chatter away on this blog. It is a lifeline, and I am grateful first for your blogging your several year journey, and for letting me see the male “half” of post affair life….
Circling back to you WSB–jump, just jump and have faith that it WILL work out. You deserve to be happy, and the murky waters you are swimming in will NOT bring you lasting joy (per Zoe). Put one foot in front of the other. Come on this blog (I hope it’s ok with TV) and just primal scream at us. We have all been there. And we are here for you…….
Island Girl who is SBWW…….
IG aka SBWW — I am processing your entry. I really appreciate your writing. To be sure, I am deeply confused but OM pulled the trigger to *** sort of *** end things. He is the one who says we can’t be together, but he really won’t let go either. My sense is that he will carry it out and push me hard enough so that I am the one who “pulls the trigger” on no contact. It’s not a good situation. Both of us holding on to essentially nothing. Maybe we like the feeling of heart’s breaking … who the *&%$ knows.
I hope that I can join in the dorm party. I make really good cocktails
Hey WSB, sorry for all the wordiness. I am a “War and Peace” kind of poster. My relationship blew up on his side before the damn thing fell apart. I had read somewhere that the “average” affair runs 1-2 years before it ends. I was beginning to feel tremendous stress of living two lives. I remember muttering to myself: “two lives..two men..how did I get here?”, and being annoyed that I had found myself in that position. I was weighing the possibility of just ending the affair–AP and wife were going on an extended vacation (4 weeks) at holiday time, and it was the perfect time to call it a day…..Unfortunately, she caught him right before I could pull the trigger, else I would be posting in a similar manner to you. Am pretty sure I would not have been able to fully disengage from AP without some difficulty. We would probably have ridden this thing down all the way before ending it. So, I guess the blowup on his end was a blessing to me. I can see now it takes more courage to initiate the breakup, so I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel. I do know that life is easier with only one man in it. You are right that you are holding onto NOTHING….He cannot fully meet your needs, and as Snowleopard says, you are worth so much more.
All’s I can say is that if we paint toenails, we are NOT using “Jungle Red” (ala The Women).
You are automatically a member of the dorm party……come on over!
Island Girl, aka SBWW: double lives, two husbands, divided heart, it can make a person nearly crazy. At times it did make me crazy. I used to joke that having one spouse was more than enough for anyone … who’d have time for more? Ha. What jumped out at me, which was plainly not the point of your post, was the reference to AP’s vacation. TV wrote about that somewhere in this blog. Family events ,vacations, and holidays … became killers. So hard. Never thought about that when I jumped in blindly to my crack-like situation. I had it all covered. Or, so I thought. Though also not a highly relevant detail, how did AP get busted? Were you out- ed? Did you spend a lot of time together? You sound like your brain knows what you are doing is right, but your heart is not completely on board. He brought you fire. What we do for fire …. is that what drives this? Or, is it more the attention?
Snowleopard: I’ve taken your post and taped it to a private part of my desk where I can see it. What you say is inspiring …. “It may sound daunting at first, and it will be incredibly hard. However it will also become one of the most empowering things you will ever earn for yourself, especially when you make the conscious choice to leave a very unhealthy situation.” I want to make better choices. My OM is not a bad guy. But, I have to let him go. IG is right … I need to trust, trust that it will be ok. Look forward. Not back.
Wantsomethingbetter,
How to let go? A couple thoughts on this.
For one, you have to realize that the only person who can make you happy is you. Start by really taking the time to figure out what makes you happy in the most basic terms, ie principles and values that are important to you, and how you can live your life according to those guidelines. Do not look to other people or material things to provide you with that. Those are impermanent sources. They are also for the most part outside your control, and therefore not worth depending on for your mental and emotional happiness. At best, they should complement your inner being, not act as a supplement. How you choose to define your own inner happiness and find meaning in your life will be up to you – everyone has their own definition. In order words, you start by changing the very way you think.
Secondly, when it comes to letting go, everyone in a similar situation has their own breaking point. It may be self-induced, or caused by a spouse’s discovery of the affair, or a combination of both. Ideally you go for the former. TV is absolutely right – the magnitude of devastation caused by the latter is far, far worse. If you do go for the former – and I truly hope you do – it will come at a point when you realize that the tremendous amount of pain and despair that you feel far outweighs any slivers of happiness you are trying to grasp at this point in the relationship. You’ve become a shadow of your own self and you feel completely helpless about your future. And that’s just for the present. What will be left of you another year, 3 years, 10 years from now if you continue with this?
When you realize you have had enough, take a deep breath, then take the plunge. Yes it will absolutely be hard, no doubt about it. There will be days or moments when you will feel weak. That’s ok, it’s normal. Do whatever it takes not give in to temptation. Grit your teeth and continue to forge ahead. Have faith in yourself. Patience. Determination. Persistence. A sense of humor helps as well. You will get there. Be strong.
Think of it as a boot camp for your soul.
Snowleopard: well said……what great coaching from you. WSB, your pain is only going to escalate and the “slivers of happiness” will decrease over time. That realization is where I was in the decision process when AP’s wife discovered eMails between us. A stray eMail from a buddy that had cc’d his “secret account” tipped her off and she had cracked the code while he was away on a week long trip. If she had not discovered us, I would have ended the affair just based upon my exhaustion from holding it all together. The thing blew up entirely on his end and my husband does not know…….You are right in that my head is on board and my heart is lagging, but things are improving with time. Just posting here has helped put things in better perspective. I think for your OWN sake, you should consider releasing your OM. He has told you many times that you will not have him. You are holding onto nothing……I am doing interior work at this point. Snowleopard is right, only I am able to create my own happiness, not AP, not my husband, only me……. I am grateful for the people on this blog who encourage me, but ultimately I am my own best support. I will say that I have two friends that I tapped early in my affair, just to have a “safe house” in event things blew up. I asked them if they loved me “regardless”, and they have answered in the affirmative. They were NOT in favor of the affair, but understood how it happened, and were a godsend in the first few weeks following D-day……I am calling them far less, yet they are still there. Their unconditional love has been great, but I agree that they could not create happiness in me, only stand by and listen in love.
Hey everyone….
I am so grateful to have connected with all of you. It’s been such a crucial part of my healing process to have had you to talk to and to not feel so alone. I have learned so much from all of you. I can’t thank you enough.
I just want to say – you have done the right thing to END IT if you have, and if you haven’t – I just have two words —> END IT. I know how painful it is, but it WILL get easier over time if you REALLY END IT. It took me way too long.
It’s been about two weeks for me now where I really feel I have turned a corner. I feel different. I realize how futile the whole thing was and what an idiot I have been. I can honestly say I have no desire to see the X anymore and I used to be crazy obsessed. I never thought I would get to this point. I’m finally able to focus on my marriage and I’m finally starting to feel whole again. I can’t believe it took me so long to let go. I’m so glad to be on the other side of it. I can’t imagine turning back now.
My husband and I are doing great. We are working together and bonding big time through that. As luck or fate or the gods would have it – we have an event happening at work coming up in mid March that will bring all three of us together. I can’t even begin to imagine what that is going to feel like or how we’re going to live through that gracefully. hmm… Stay tuned….
I am sending love …
~Zoe~*~*~
I’ve just returned this morning and have been without internet access. Was very soothing to have a few posts to read. Thankfully, I also have my work which can allow me to relax and focus on other things. Hard to know how all of this impacts the other sectors of our lives. Snowleopard, I’m at my breaking point. There’s not happiness left. Felt I hit rock bottom long ago, but learned that you can go even lower though the experience is a bit like bungy jumping … a real roller coasater. I’ve been reading and rereading your words … I am nearly ready. I’m tempted to set a goal of 45-90 days to see if I can break out of this unhealthy routine. IG is right, I am hanging onto nothing. Maybe like Zoe, I can get my life back though somehow i fear two weeks will not be when I see a corner. But, I can start walking a new road. My “real” life is a good one. I often feel like the biggest fraud as others view my situation at home as a really good one. Partly because it used to be, and partly because the patina is really shiny. Goes to show that you never really know what goes on in someone else’s life. I’ve started to share some of my issues with my husband (not the connection to OM) but some of my struggles and what I need. He’s amazingly kind and supportive. He’s cut down his own work travel and rearranged his work week so that we can spend more time together.
Snowleopard, I’m thankful you found this board. So far you’ve written to comfort me and for that I am very fortunate. I feel like a rather selfish blogger but I must say that I worry that I’m going to have to find something to fill up the amazing amount of time that I used to spend focused on OM. I’m identifying some positive distractions that might give me the comfort and strength to move forward and really move on. You’ve given me a very good road map. I feel like there’s no quick fix. I spent many years getting spun out over this. Healing may take some time. I need to be in charge of my happiness and take responsiblity for my actions. Please keep writing. I’m curous about how you ended up here … and how you go so wise.
IG, I so sympathize with how you feel. I adore my OM. In my heart I know we’d work as a married couple and have such fun. We took things way too far. Though in the end it really doesn’t matter. This is a big DEAD END. Nothing good could really come from starting a relationship from where we are now. And, the last have dozen months of our many year relationship, as things have eroded, I’ve seen that he may have qualities that might just drive me crazy. Or at least so I tell myself
. With such a strong physical connection, so much else gets blurry. It’s hard to deny that the physical part sort of blew my mind. A real reality distorter.
Zoe … high five. March Madness will arrive but you will work though it … with support of your sisters in crime. You will of course need to look fabulous at the event and exude confidence beyond what you may feel. While I am not suggesting that you need to play games, a strong demeanor and positive attitude … and maybe complete physical separation will help you get through the event. I am mulling this over. While known all my life for my judgment and advice, I am hardly one to claim any wisdome these days.
Things are zipping along here at the “dorm party”…..Zoe, you sound as if things are going really great. I’m glad you are having good days and soaring. It also seems you are building a solid platform for those less than stellar days. I hope you keep checking in here to let us know how you are doing. Good luck in that event where the three of you encounter each other. I wish for you grace and resilience.
Wantsomethingbetter……you have also made some strides in the last few days……Snowleopard has been a great mentor to us all here. Girl, just do it. It DOES get easier with time. I am now officially four months out from D-day (woo-hoo!), and things are immensely better for me. I know you have set a time frame of two weeks, and you will feel a little better each day, but it is much like detoxing from any addiction. The first few days/weeks are pure “withdrawal”; what kept me going was knowing that those painful feelings would subside and life would truly get better. And it has! I am now so busy at work on a new project that I would not have had time for OM…. and that in itself would have created tension and heartache. The Universe has taken care of me: I now have the time to invest in myself, my friends (who have missed me while I was enmeshed in this relationship), and my job. Oh yes, my marriage…that is coming into view and the next focus for me. I can truly say that each passing month has marked improvement and less pain. I still love OM–in a detached, “historical” way. He is part of me, part of my narrative, and I am moving on. It is bittersweet, yet essential for growth. This is still a process, a journey, but it has value , and I remain grateful for all of you accompanying me on it.
Have you ever been haunted by a song? “But Not For Me” has invaded my mind, and while you might think it would make me sad, I now hear it more as a fact of life. Ella Fitzgerald’s version is so sweet, it now resides on my MP3 player. Life goes on….and it is wonderful.
Island Girl
Hey sisters…
I think it’s amazing that we’ve all found each other. I have gained so much power from the fact that I am not doing this alone. It really kind of blows my mind that I was able to get myself out of the emotional nightmare I was in.
I think having a place to write about my struggle and having support from outside contributed immensely to my healing. I can’t thank you enough.
I want to reinforce a couple of things that Snowleopard said that were crucial for me:
The first is – “you start by changing the very way you think.” This was exactly what I had to do. I had to be really disciplined in my thinking and occupy my mind with things other than the X. This was not easy at first – felt like a form of torture – but it paid off. I read books by the Dali Lama and anything I could get my hands on that helped focus my mind.
The second is – “when it comes to letting go, everyone in a similar situation has their own breaking point.” This is true. It seemed to take forever for me to reach mine. Unfortunately even my husband’s discovery of our affair wasn’t enough for me to fully let go. It took months after that – crazy I know – but oddly enough – TWO WEEKS ago it finally happened for good. I realized I was DONE and I was no longer willing to put myself through that torture any more. The more perspective I get on the relationship – the more I question – WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I have been firm in my resolve ever since, haven’t wanted to contact him, and it has gotten easier every day. I never thought I would be able to say it and really mean it- but – IT DOES GET BETTER!
Hang in there gals…..
I send LOVE & positive vibes~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~Zoe
I am so happy to read of your progress. I worry that in the process of doing this I may have permanetly “broken” myself. Snowleopard, you counsel “that the choice to move on will come at a point when you realize that the tremendous amount of pain and despair that you feel far outweighs any slivers of happiness you are trying to grasp at this point in the relationship. You’ve become a shadow of your own self and you feel completely helpless about your future.” I do feel that. Particularly, when things are quite and I am alone with my thoughts. I really hate this feeling. The anxiety, saddness, longing. Makes me feel so weak and crazy. Right now, all I want is contact. I am really focusing what IG and Zoe have said. That you feel so much better when not in this thing. My head is pounding and my stomach aches. Feel so weak and small. I am going to resist those feelings and just sit with them. Not call. Not write. So hard. Feel very lonely. But really don’t feel better after we talk, see each other, etc. either.
I worry about a few things. I’d gotten so far down the road with my other guy that the physical side of things with my husband have really suffered. I am just not that into it. There’s nothing wrong with him. He really wants that side of things to work. Sometimes, I have the hardest time just kissing him. It’s the worst feeling. It’s like I’ve done so much damage I don’t know iif the feelings will ever come back. And, that part of things with OM were really good. (Why wouldn’t it have been … fantasy love is pretty suductive … and easy… right???). The feelings I feel are of longing and missing another person. They are so strong. Please keep telling me that it gets better. I need to keep hearing it. I am trying to find a few things that bring me happiness and calm. While I do yoga, I’m not experienced with meditation. I am going to look into that. Need to learn to control my thoughts.
To all of those out there, if you are thinking of having having an affair, you need to really think things through. By most standards, I am an an intelligent, good, kind, hardworking person …. but this has derailed me in a way I never thought imaginable. I’ve grown and learned. But, at what cost? I hope that this lesson has meaning down the road, because the way I feel just now is …. lousy.
Ladies, i have been reading your posts for the past few weeks, and it has been really helping me also. I posted on here in december , if you scroll up- you will see my story.
So I am 5 months into DD and I hit my low 4 weeks ago.
I have had to face MM and his W every day since DD. It has been hard, the public displays of affection and the shame from my side and the sheer pain of having him walk past me , not able to even look at me.
They went hell for leather into their business and were everywhere , promoting themselves and she has taken over the marketing of his company.
However i was very sensitive to it all and maybe they were just getting on with their business and it was me taking it all to heart. It was just weird, they never use the company magazine that i do to advertise and i know from talking to him why, but boom , suddenly they are, they were in the local press, she has put herself on the business staff photos as director and things I had done to promote myself, they were doing the exact same. And also a company i had been trying to get a working deal with (and only he knew this) they suddenly got a deal with…
Maybe just maybe i was being sensitive
Dont know. but then this one day , i was at work (our trades are different, but same industry- so events and so on will always mean we cross paths) and a work friend was talking to me and happened to mention that MM wife had been asking about me and what i was up to with my business.
Clearly this work friend did not know what was going on , it was just a normal chat. It confirmed to me , that she was paying a lot of attention to what i was getting up to.
I was so angry , but i have maintained no contact since the day i contacted him to say i lost the baby. He wife made it clear that i was to never contact again and that if i did she would report me to the police and the school. To be honest, she had nothing to report, just the fact i sent a email to her husband about losing his son, but hey ho – at that time all i was thinking was i deserve everything she throws at me.
When i got home that night, i picked up my local magazine (as i had my article on my business as per normal , in it) and guess what – to my utter shock there was his wife, a full page, big photo ,and it went on to explain the things she can not live without. A photo of her and her husband , saying he is the best thing that has ever happened to her, that they share the same dreams and ambitions in life. Then a photo of their fav band, saying how they have been together a decade and that he recently surprised her with a trip to see the band, then all other bits, mentioning the company i had been trying to get a deal with and her girlfriend at the school (who she has told about the affair)
That was my all time low. To read it all was heartbreaking. I felt sick and i just know that she was getting at me. The reason I think this is because she had no reason to place that advert. It was not on the business. She does not run the business. She does not have the skills for the business. It is her husbands business. I also felt it was unprofessional of her.
I know the magazine i have placed editorials with them for 2 years now, and i know that she wrote the article and asked to have it put in.
This is a local community , – most people know his business name and mine as you would locally. They associate my name and his with out business, that is what happens. No one knows her -so to me – it was her making a point. And i broke down that weekend. My lowest point ever.
I had been fighting it all since it happened, blaming myself far too much, watching them together all the time, living life like all is fine – his world never changed. He lost nothing. she didnt even throw him out for one day- he has been forgiven and can carry one. Lucky him. Because behind him, he left me and my life BOOM! just like that. I never had any closure , never had a chance to shout or ask why.
So I broke my rules and called him. Asked him to respect me, and ask his wife to calm down a bit, stop asking people what i am up too and that the weird advertising and doing as i am doing, was a little odd. That i had respected their wishes, could they respect mine, i was hurt also and that if she wanted to talk with me, to knock on my door and i would happily discuss anything with her.
I did say i was really angry with him and hurt that he never contacted me , that i lost his child and that he has affected my life in ways that he just has no idea about
Guess what…SILENCE !
Then , i dont have to listen to this, my wife said if you ever contact us she would go to the police and the school.
That was it..oh and that they can advertise where they like..
Really really lame. I actually said look , you have listened to this, and i am not willing to sit back and say and do nothing , whilst you are both clearly not respecting me either. And i put the phone done.
Right or wrong, i do not know – but i felt i had to stand up for myself, i see his wife every day and him on the school run , and even his wifes friend has started giving me crap. Not that i can not handle myself , i cant , but i am trying to rebuild my life also. I dont regret it – i needed to stand up to them both.
I know my wrongs and to be honest, this affair has changed me and i worry that i will forever be broken and sad over it.
I am working on me and changing my thoughts, but it is not easy. I have become full of low self worth , i hate what i did and i am deeply sad to have lost all contact with him. He had no reason to hate me – we had no reason to hate each other – but now we hate – well i hate.
I saw them both just yesterday at an event. He looks a broken man to be honest. He still can not look at me and looked ashamed, maybe that is my view, but he always had his head and shoulders up , he looks rather weak to me. He could just about say hello to those who were with me- it was a weird moment.
His wife kept walking in the room and making sure i knew she was around. And together – they looked very business like and terrible body language.
I really regret what I did to her and she does not deserve it , but i have to say , i have never heard anyone say she is a nice person.
And i think my view will always be negative – however I do not judge – but her actions are proving she is one nasty woman. He told me she would get nasty and she is proving that. Seeing her in action yesterday – she is full of fake smiles and totally controls him. Shocking really.
Once of the things that strikes me is that he said all they have is business, and the kids. He said he works to get away from his unhappiness…he works all hours…yet in the light of all this…they have joined forces and both gone business mad. He said he wanted them to have a life, kiss, cuddle, go out , spend time together , not just work and talking about work. I can not help but stand back and think why then have you both joined forces in the business.
From my shoes, i see them as fine, all going great , I wonder if i fixed their marriage, enabled them to connect via work , join forces, bond…he took her away according to the magazine..just 2 months after DD….they are working together, maybe that is what he needed some help , he was totally over worked, but he said that was because he hates anyone helping him with the business, he built it up for years and it was the only thing he had control of. He said he had no control over his personal life at all. Maybe he just needed a break from it all – he was over worked and needed help – he knew that. He admitted it saying he created his own situations.
Look i dont really know why i am writing.I feel emotional today – i guess after seeing them together and the fact when we see each other it is as though we never knew each other. ..we caught eyes yesterday , i looked at him like i hate him, he looks nervous , he cant bare the eye contact.
Why did he bring me into his life so much – that is difficult to understand. I wish he used me for sex! it would have been easier to grasp. He shared his whole emotional world to me – like a can of beans had been opened..he was telling me everything. He was crying his eyes out saying he would never want to lose me, that his life would be crap without me in it. He was seriously messed up and i was worried sick about him – he knew i was. His health, he was ill, overworking – depressed over the recent loss of his father.
When i look back – i think i was all his wife couldnt have been giving him , the emotional side to his life and the sex. I know the death of his father changed him, i saw him go down hill from that day. I know that he was miserable as hell and a expert at hiding it.
I guess i made him feel good, and that is all he wanted. I did tell him that. But he swore no way , i love you and if that was all it was, i wouldnt have invested so long with you , we connect , i have told you things i have never shared with anyone, you will always be in my heart.
Why a man feels the need to go to that extent is beyond me. Why all the drama, if at the end of the day – he didnt really love me? He said that, he called me to tell me after his wife found out. That he didnt love me, never did, he thought he did and that he must now do what is right by his wife and that he loves her.
Charming.
But he clearly didnt love me or want to be with me , he clearly did not care about me either. because after DD – to treat someone how he treated me , well you dont do that to someone you care or love. So that is a tough tough thing for me to accept. In fact i dont accept it and never will. I need to let it go and that is an area i am trying to work on.
I understand the power of family more than ever. But I would never settle for a life , where i was living a lie. They both appear fake to me , when i see them together, like they are putting on a big front. But maybe that is because i know what i do. Maybe they are two of a kind , hide behind business and that is why they are and will remain together.
I feel mostly intimidated by them. The event yesterday took my every last drop of strength. In actual fact i was doing a 12 hour spin event, that was emotional in its own right! The reason i was there , was because i was sponsoring the event and i had every right to be there, i work there and the staff and myself all spend a lot of time together. They were there because they were offering a service to the event, and have a member of their team who works next door to me..so when i found out..i was going to pull out – but i didnt. I stood my ground and i am proud of me, just a little fragile today.
I have a big event in May in which i have just learned they now have signed up for also – with the company who I (as mentioned above) had been trying to get work with. So no doubt now his wife knows that i wanted that deal , she will milk this for everything and i am dreading it, as they have all been in business for so much longer than me and have the money to do whatever they like.
I wonder when i wont care. That day would be nice. I did feel yesterday , why did i love that man, i looked at him and felt different. My heart did not do that sinking feeling, i did not look at him and think oh wow – i love him. I looked at him and just felt sad. Sad to have lost the chance to say hi, how are you. Sad to think we actually shared so much – yet we act like we do not know each other. Its odd, its awkward and i hate it.
I did look at him as i did her, normally i wouldnt , but i am trying to fight back now – as i feel stronger than ever.
The days are so much better now, i do not think about him all the time. Maybe the odd song, or a thought, or a joke we shared or a saying, might catch me off guard and i think about things, but i am able to shake it away. sometimes i shed a tear.
I wish mostly we remained able to say hi. We had no reason to hate each other,but DD changed everything.
I wonder how you erase the memories? how can he forget on his dads birthday , fathers day , the death of his dad, that it was me supporting him through it all , wiping his tears. How can he forget the times i helped him up off the floor when he was friggin ill, crying, over working…The fun, the sex!
Can he?
I cannot forget those times, they are part of my life now. I might put them away , but there are there.
Memories made.
I am a changed person – and i have learnt so much. The after affects for the OW are so over looked. We suffer also.
To me the WS tends to get forgiven and the OW , seen as the bad person, but the WS is as much to blame. But i guess it is easier to blame the OW, rather than focus on their own faults.
OM knows i am not a bad person, i did nothing but love , care and support him. I did not derserve how he treated me and frankly i do hope at somepoint, when he lets it happen – he feels ashamed of what he has done.
Sorry for long post. It has been one emotional day – and i ache like hell from the 12 hour spin event!
I feel you, WSB….
Everything you are describing sounds EXACTLY like what I felt. I never thought I would be free of those obsessive feelings of love & longing. The crazy hot sex the X & I had felt amazing at the time. Yes, fantasy love is very seductive and the physical connection we had was out of this world. I realize now that while, yes, I liked the guy, maybe even had a kind of love for him, it really was primarily a chemical rush – endorphins – and I was addicted to that feeling. I liked how I felt when I was with him. We were all hot on each other – all sexed up & romantic – pure fantasy.
Going through the withdrawal period was nothing short of torture. The pain was excruciating and the weakness and lack of focus was unbearable. It took time, but as long as I didn’t make contact, I got stronger every day. The couple of times I had to see him for work made it so much more difficult and the one slip-up I had where we ended up kissing – really taught me a lesson. I felt HORRIBLE and had to start withdrawal all over again. NEVER AGAIN.
You write: “Right now, all I want is contact. I am really focusing what IG and Zoe have said. That you feel so much better when not in this thing. My head is pounding and my stomach aches. Feel so weak and small. I am going to resist those feelings and just sit with them. Not call. Not write. So hard. Feel very lonely. But really don’t feel better after we talk, see each other, etc. either.”
Remember those words. You DON’T feel better after you talk. In fact, the contact you think you desire is going to make you even more miserable.The more contact there is once you’ve reached this stage – the WORSE it gets, I promise. Make the decision to force yourself to stay committed to getting through the withdrawal period and give your mind other things to focus on. After a while I just had to refuse to let myself think about him. I had to get mad at myself. I was just sick of it. Disciplining the mind is crucial, I think.
I am so glad to be able to say to you that after having gone through all of the emotional turmoil you are describing….. I finally feel better. It’s as if the chemicals have worn off and I can see clearly again. Please stay with it. There is light on the other side. You just have to get through this difficult time. The feelings will fade and you will be able to see clearly again.
I’m sending good vibes~*~*~*~*~
~Zoe
Dearest WSB: what you are feeling is GRIEF…….the LOSS of something you held dearly. Much like losing a relative. But as you and I both know, it was NOT real…..It was fantasy…..One doesn’t just “get over it”. It takes time, so know that it is OK for tears to come and sadness. I promise you this will get better over time. Please just trust this and step into it. Unfortunately since your husband doesn’t know, he is likely puzzled at your sadness. I know mine was. I was able to link my feelings to stress from work, and that served as an acceptable answer. (yes, I know it was a lie! but work was destroying me too. What a nightmare to be dealing with both at the same time). My grief over the loss of AP is all but gone. It took some weeks. I was fortunate in that the holidays hit right after D Day, so got busy with lots of other things. I have re-engaged with my friends( you surely know there wasn’t time for two men and all my friends too), started to read more, changed my computer habits (we had an active “chat life”, even when my husband was in our home office behind me), continued exercising, and reflected on what I wanted going forward. I have chosen to remain in my marriage for now.
I hear you very clearly about the lack of desire for your husband. I am still emerging from grieving for a phenomenal lover. But that lover came with significant baggage and heartache. Looking back, I can see that the affair was an addiction, and much like kicking heroin or any other drug, the first few weeks were tough. you can NOT go back to contacting him (exLover), because it just starts all over again. What I understand from the twelve step people is that you have to start clean, hand your brokenness to a higher power, and put one foot in front of the other. Snowleopard is right, please trust that. My husband and I have been in trouble for a long time, predating this affair, so I am bracing for a long journey back. Zoe has plunged back into her marriage. Sounds like you and I have much in common, WSB, but know that I am committed to a new life, without the craziness and stress of an affair–a pointless, energy-sucking, non-nourishing, not-getting-him-in-the-end relationship. Everything from here is on the way UP…..I am uncertain about the ultimate outcome for my marriage, but I am far more present to my husband than I had been. We are in a pleasant place, and I realize that spending my energies on him (through little eMails and actually talking to him as I had done with AP) give me that best shot at reconnecting and rediscovering the man I had fallen in love with so many years ago. He is still in there somewhere.
Keep writing my friend. Keep primal screaming and flailing on this blog. Keep NOT calling, NOT writing him. One day you will look back and see you have succeeded. Keep reading and re-reading Snowleopard and Zoe’s advice. I know I’m doing that and it is helping. A lot.
Island Girl
So I sit here literally shaking … tied up in knots. Feeling so vulnerable and really sad. But, at the same time I am developing a resolve. I’ve not yet taken that final step but I think that it will come very soon … very very soon. I told OM that I am not able to continue with things the way that they are. I am ready. The pain and suffering of not getting what I want or need is just too much. He continues to tell me how much he loves me, needs me … blah blah blah. But, I can’t focus on that now. I need to change how I think or I might simply disintegrate. IG, I listened to the Ella Fitzgerald/Gershwin song yesterday. Music is truly a killer. For months the radio has been a complete no go. That song was hard to listen to but I get it.
So is poetry, certain places, books, quotes, …. he is everywhere. I had to laugh at the post about seeing OM’s car …. I so totally get that. I think TV blogged about associations ….
My husband has become accustomed to me being a bit of a basketcase. Sad but true. He must think I am having some sort of crisis. Sort of worries him. Sometimes he will just hold me when I am nearly inconsolable. I hope to come back to him healthier. I think he things I have a chemical imbalance … which I fear may be true. The thing I am struggling with is that I really like my husband. He is fun, handsome, fit, kind. I know how we got into our troubles but things are better now. I am just really struggling to connect physically. He literally is all over me sometimes and it’s very hard. Wish I just felt it more. Maybe this haze of depression is partially to blame.
I am really sad but also angry at OM. For holding onto me so tightly … and also for telling me that he can essentially live without me. I’m tired of hearing that he will be so sad, lonely, devastated, lost, unhappy, blah blah blah … but but but but …. DEAD END DEAD END DEAD END. IG, I am screaming right now … so loudly my body is ready to explode, but I am strong enough to do this. I can’t stay in the (self created) $#%*storm any longer. I guess if he loves me THAT much, he will come find me … or he won’t. I am banking on the latter and moving on. Maybe if I keep saying it, it will become truth. I probably will write more than I should here … this “little issue” is not one I’ve shared with many. Only one very close and special friend who has been a true savior. But, somehow this blog is really helping me.
IG, Zoe, Snowleapard please hold my hand … I am trusting … trusting … trusting …. almost ready to leap.
I recognize the place, WSB. It is an uncomfortable agonizing moment for you. Remember what Zoe said to you: commit to getting through the withdrawal period and it WILL get better. These feelings are so intense, so much like what I imagine heroin withdrawal to be. In fact, I looked up the symptoms of heroin withdrawal, and there it was…….the first few days of No Contact…As Zoe said, on the “other side” your head begins to clear as if some drug has washed out of your system….Your OM is too weak to cut the cord,my friend, you will have to do this for the two of you. I remember the pain of trying to hold it all together and realizing in the end I had empty promises……You can do this. When the scales fall from your eyes, you will see your husband in a different light. That I can reassure you. Give up the “drug”. Go clean. Emerge from the soupy swamp your life has become. Snowleopard is right…….You are resilient and worth so much more than your OM can give you.
Island Girl
Keep writing me … I had several hours of pure hell … but a few moments of …. relief? Asked by a colleague to sub in, I attended and spoke at a ceremony honoring women who’ve overcome adversity. A really, really bright woman opened an orphanage for abandoned kids. So when a door shuts, maybe a window opens. Her story made me forget myself for a few moments. Though I am back now in sheer agony, I am going to fight this. I need to feel better …. need more oxygen in the room. I can reaccess all of this in a few months when I am a thinking more clearly. Boy, love is a crazy cocktail. For a girl who has never done drugs, I hear you … it must be the same feeling. Maybe we can all meet up at Betty Ford or some luxurious Malibu rehab! Perhaps, we can claim “exhaustion” or “Red Bull” addition.
You’ve become my friends. Who would have thought? Thanks TV. From your pain has come powerful connections …. and even healing.
I am sure that I will be writing a lot …. I am a mess.
I’ve taken a few steps in preparation … things that seem meaningful and concrete to me … this has been a long time coming. One one hand I feel like a love sick teenager breaking up with her boyfriend. On the other, I feel like an empty soul moving on from the most powerful and mind blowing emotional connection I’ve ever felt. I’ve lost close family members, and this feels far worse. How is that possible? I’ve had my heartbroken but don’t recall this sort of anguish. I have my theories as to why, but I’m too tired to apply them here at the moment. He is going to let me go, isn’t he. I know that is not the point … that I need to change my thinking … but damned it hurts. So many years … so much sadness. Zoe … write me something positive … when is your conference? IG … I’m holding on. Snow leopard … I need to channel your grace and wisdom … could you write me about why you think we meet these people in the first place … what is the meaning … is it as TV says so unoptimistically …. two people who met and #$%^ed? So depressing …. This really really is awful. But, I am going to do it. 30 days. I am ….
Hey WSB….
I am running off to work now… but I’ve read your posts. We’re with you, girl. Count on the solidarity you find here. I found it so enormously helpful knowing I had people who understood what I was going through and who were cheering me on. (If it’s helpful – you can read my story on that other blog I shared with you – comments in late December under “How to end an Affair” and then more under “So You had an affair – How will it end” You will see that I have come a long way since December when I was still hooked)
I woke up feeling a little sad today – i think it was because the X had this huge party he hosted last night for work related stuff – all sorts of mutual friends & colleagues were there – I normally would have been invited and attended – but this is one of the first big things he’s done publicly & professionally where we very decidedly did not connect. I keep wondering how it went – who was there…what did i miss. etc. It’s not as toxic and awful as before – just a dull ache – and I’m not so far gone that I think there’s anything good that would’ve come of me being there. It’s a DEAD END STREET. I just regret the fact that now we can’t even be friends and enjoy each other professionally.
Please hang in there. Take the plunge. It seems to me that your OM is trying to have it both ways and it is NOT FAIR of him to keep you hanging on. The sooner you STOP contact the sooner you will get his TRUE COLORS. He’s cruel not to let you go if he has no intention of being with you.
I gotta say – I am so glad to have the rational part of my brain back. I had really lost my mind for a while there. Yikes!
It’s so much brighter on the other side of all of it – I promise.
I’m sending Love & good vibes…….
~Zoe ~*~*~*~*~*~
P.S. The bid date that I am dreading is March 20.
oops – that was supposed to say BIG DATE. That’s the date where we have an event that all three of us will have to attend. I am not sure if he knows we’ll be there, but I know he is scheduled to attend and present. If he realizes we will be there, I wonder if he will show up or try to find a way out of it. I know he is terrified of running into my husband.
WSB, you are so close, I can feel it. Your OM is not doing right by you. He needs to release you. He has no intentions of making a life with you, else you would have seen it by now. I believe TV said it best: there can be NO “friendship” following the bustup of an affair. This is like alcohol, or even worse; dipping a toe back into the waters will suck you in. It really is worthy of a twelve step program. Those damned endorphins…..lust and sex are just not enough to sustain the soul It IS your soul you are fighting for. Snowleopard was quite clear about that. And you have said as well that each interaction has given you less pleasure. The game is over, the heroin rush has given way to just getting a “fix” to keep the brain chemicals going, but you know it isn’t working.
I really don’t know why these things happen. I have often thought that OM and I were together in another life, another dimension. (Kind of metaphysical, but how else could you explain the extraordinary passion?). I had told him frequently that I was tired of our previous life “punching” into this one. We were obviously not meant to be together this life, else we would have found each other when single. I do believe regardless that his approaching me was a test, which I failed miserably, and failed again when his wife discovered us the first time. We went right back to where we were at the earliest opportunity. After that, I determined I would not fail a third time, so when D Day hit and No Contact obviously started, I “went to ground”, and never eMailed or called him. It was my just desserts. Hurt like (*#$(&*#()* hell, but there you are…..Don’t think I didn’t want to call him, to tell him I loved him, that I wanted him back……It just didn’t seem like the right thing to do (oh yeah, like I suddenly found my Integrity…..) My girlfriends stood by me as I called them daily and sobbed at them. I would break down at hearing a special song, or passing a landmark meeting place for us. Even though I had failed the test twice, the Universe is taking good care of me, with a better job, friends who are calling me to check in on me, the pain is lifting, and that year of my life is evolving into a lesson I can carry forward. A lesson I didn’t ask to have. But I am now a WISER woman……
Zoe, I have read your blogs on the other site. It is clear that you had a rocky journey on your way to clarity and redemption. I hope that your conference/event goes well and that peace rules the day. Your enthusiasm from “the other side” of this hellish journey is inspirational.
TV, I remain grateful that you have allowed us this milieu within which to operate and heal……..
Island Girl
Whoops, I wanted to add that I am in a field where I have a front row seat to the tragedy of other’s lives. I am humbled by the nobility and resilience of those individuals with whom I work and whom I serve in my own small way. That has also helped immensely. Your exposure to the woman with the mission of the orphanage is a message to you that life calls to us to bigger things……..Take that lesson and treasure it. You have purpose and your life has meaning. Reach out and grab that.
IG
Thank you for your support. While I (sort of) felt like I was doing ok, I am so completely distracted. Leaving materials, forgetting to send important email, overlooking details that should not be over looked. Yikes. I must use care to avoid really messing things up. I am now basically just so tired and very very very sad.
I spent some time reading the blog recommended by Zoe. Being so raw and “living the dream” as they say, it was almost overload. So many sad and tortured souls just trying to find happiness. Some seemed to start out happy until colliding with their affair partner. Others seemed to find the affair as a way to fill the emptiness from a bad and unfulfilling marriage. I am interested in your journey Zoe and inspired by your strength. I will keep reading. I am not quite read yet.
But what I did take away …. NO ONE sounded happy. NO ONE. That is why I am here too. What started out as fun and really incredible thereafter brought so much pain and suffering. I really miss him. Like both of you I spent hours and hours talking, texting, sometimes seeing OM. Who knew I was so darned needy? Been trying to get my real husband to step and and really engage … and it is helping. Except for wanting to just curl up, cry, and vomit, I am getting through my day
….
I took steps, albeit kind ones, to let OM I really cannot have contact. Not now. Not for a long time. He seems to be honoring that. I’m not sure what I fear more … him contact me … or really moving on too. CHANGE YOUR THINKING. CHANGE YOUR THINKING. CHANGE YOUR THINKING. If he wanted to be with you, he would have found a way. He is not going to pursue a life with you. You must move on. You will get through this. You will be OK.
I find that for sometimes moments … can last up to a few hours, I get gripped with what almost feels like what must be a panic attack … I get a tight stomach, head throbs, heart races, tear up …. in such a state right now.
Like you, IG, me and my guy talked a lot of what it would have been like if we met earlier. If we will meet in another life. Why we connected so passionately and powerfully. Whether if we met when younger would we have married. At first it was charming and romantic. Overtime, I found the
wanting and wishing to be tiring. A cop out on his part.
I returned some of the very personal items that he gave me … made me nearly hysterical (that’s what I have become … a word I hate) … but I put it in the mail. Boot camp for the soul.
None of this really feels right. I know that divorce and taking up with an illicit lover probably wouldn’t have felt right either. Though he asked me to marry him … yeah …. we were really really really … kidding ourselves? Makes me cry to think about it. Very personal. Think he meant it at the time. Too bad I am not Morman. Not funny. Sorry.
Well I am going to take a walk …. this has been such a long long time coming. You are right IG we seemed to ride this all the way down. I am waiting for my head to clear. I am likely strong enough to do this … just afraid it might kill me or my heart in the process. Sorry for the drama and depressing post. More later.
One question … a very confusing aspect of this is that it’s as if other men … married men, can almost smell that I’ve done what I’ve done … and seem to pursue me … As sad and depressed as I am, it is really really odd. Doesn’t feel invited … but who knows as messed up as I am these days. No real trouble so far, but it has my head spinning. I really really loved my other guy. With all of my heart and soul. We were friends for years. Physical cam years and years later. Very slowly. that part was so incredible, but I’d give it up 150 percent if we could be friends and just talk. Sigh. First the time for me. Was not a fling. It will also be the last time for me. He was it. I’ve learned my lesson.
Though it’s well documented here … I feel this almost childish compulsion to ask … will it get better? When will it get better? Do you promise it will get better?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE … tell me it has to get better …. TV says it can take a year to get over this …. Zoe you’re at 4 months? IG? About the same? Yish. I want a pill to make it feel better. I am going to need to pull it together. Thank goodness I can blither away here … holy $%#^
WSB: hang in there. I wish I could explain why so many of us go through this and suffer so greatly. I also had no idea how many people had experienced this until it happened to me. Never saw myself as having an affair, as balancing two men, as having to hide and sneak and worry about discovery. Those who know me would be shocked that I have done this. I had always treasured my character trait of “integrity”. Thought it rock solid. That was probably the biggest lesson I am taking away. I have read hundreds, nay thousands of postings in the last months; had actually started to do this before D Day as I had planned to release OM, just hadn’t developed the courage to do it. Many times I would rehearse what I would say to him, only to melt in his presence. I tried so many times to talk about what my role was in his life, why, if he had such an interesting and full life, that I needed to be in it at all. He was clear that he loves his wife and really never discussed that he would leave her. Oh I suppose it came up just fleeting, but the topic shifted. The one day I had pushed him on it, I saw his face when he calculated the huge cost of leaving her for me. I could tell it wasn’t worth it. Why I didn’t leave at that point, I’ll never know. I was more a plaything. My existence allowed him to have it all: a solid wife who supported him during a successful career, and a lover who engaged him mentally and sexually. A geisha as it were. I once complained to him that I felt like a geisha–I was looking for him to admit or deny that. “Well if that’s what you want to be…..” was his answer. He was never going to leave his wife. The choice to leave or stay would have to be mine, but then his wife discovered us. There is a book “When Good People Have Affairs”–TV has discussed it on this blog before. It talks about all the reasons one might have an affair– Since there has been no contact since two weeks out, I really don’t know what happened inside his marriage. I wonder if he wanted to get caught as a test or a mechanism to spice things up. Heck, I even wonder if she caught him at all, and he simply needed a mechanism to dispose of me so that he could move on to his next lover. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. My feet are set on this path now. I’m not a bad person, and judging by all the other posters, I’m simply human.
“We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.” Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. I take comfort in this quote. What has happened is part of a journey, a learning process that I am to incorporate into the quest to enlightenment. It was just a helluva detour.
WSB: keep writing, keep flailing, keep talking to us. It WILL get better, Zoe and I promise you that. Down the road let’s plan for that virtual blender cocktail party……
Island Girl
Oh yes, and WSB…..it DOES get better!!!!! Totally OK to ask that again and again…….sorry for the long post above. coffee hasn’t hit bottom yet. you are in my thoughts today.
IG
No your post was great. Really helped. Been feeling so on the edge. Weak, sad, overwhelmed. How did I get here? I like you have always been a really “good” girl. Right schools, right job, right husband, good family, community leader … what a sham. Maybe not a sham but boy did I get wrapped up in something. I don’t think men ever really leave their wives. Sometimes I wondered if my man did, how would I feel about him. Isn’t that terrible. He almost did. But, the gravitational pull of young kids and all that comes with that held him back. He choked so to speak. Maybe he realized that a life together would come with too much baggage. Who knows. I sort of think that regardless if they want to leave; can’t leave; might leave its the different conversations about the same thing … these things are DEAD ENDS. Hard to transition to something healthy and respectable. Seems it will always taint the relatinship in the end. I have had to really ask myself, do I want to inherit all of his bagage – and there was baggage to consider. I think I did at one time. Was willing to try. Maybe because that seemed so much better than cheating. Sometimes feel like as a “good girl” I wanted to end up with OM at least in part to convince myself that the affair was worth it. Why do it otherwise? From what you write, your man cared a lot about you. He did. But, he too was caught in the gravitational pull … Though in the end, I wonder if they know how much time we spend wondering what THEY think. My guy chased me for YEARS. Promised me the moon. Wanted the starts. And yet we stand at the same place together. I’m so glad you are here … You feel as close as a … friend.
No your post was great. Really helped. Been feeling so on the edge. Weak, sad, overwhelmed. How did I get here? I like you have always been a really “good” girl. Right schools, right job, right husband, good family, community leader … what a sham. Maybe not a sham but boy did I get wrapped up in something. I don’t think men ever really leave their wives. Sometimes I wondered if my man did, how would I feel about him. Isn’t that terrible. He almost did. But, the gravitational pull of young kids and all that comes with that held him back. He choked so to speak. Maybe he realized that a life together would come with too much baggage. Who knows. I sort of think that regardless if they want to leave; can’t leave; might leave its the different conversations about the same thing … these things are DEAD ENDS. Hard to transition to something healthy and respectable. Seems it will always taint the relatinship in the end. I have had to really ask myself, do I want to inherit all of his bagage – and there was baggage to consider. I think I did at one time. Was willing to try. Maybe because that seemed so much better than cheating. Sometimes feel like as a “good girl” I wanted to end up with OM at least in part to convince myself that the affair was worth it. Why do it otherwise? From what you write, your man cared a lot about you. He did. But, he too was caught in the gravitational pull … Though in the end, I wonder if they know how much time we spend wondering what THEY think. My guy chased me for YEARS. Promised me the moon. Wanted the starts. And yet IG — regardless of the circumstances — you and I stand at the same place together. I’m so glad you are here … You feel as close as a … friend. Funny thing is I don’t want to call or write him. Strong enough to resist that. I just want HIM.
Dear WSB: it is distressing how we OW spend all this energy in mourning. I wonder how much our affair partners think of us, but as TV says it really doesn’t matter what is happening on their side of the street. I do believe my OM did love me but in the end he chose to remain with the safer option. He had too much to lose–or so he thought. Pity. I would have moved heaven and earth to make him happy….or died trying. Ah well. That’s the breaks. The lesson? Don’t develop a relationship with someone who is not free….But I also learned that I am worthy of love and passion. Yup. Keeping that lesson too.
OM used to tell me he “would” do something, such as “If we were together I would welcome you home with a drink and listen to you.” or “I would make love to you all night long.” for those non-grammarians out there, the statements are second conditional statements, conveying uncertainty that the action is going to happen. I used to tell him that I wanted a first conditional statement: “When we are together I _will_ welcome you home with a drink…..” Those are definite, gonna happen statements…..But at this point, we have moved to the third conditional….”If we were together I would have made love to you…..” Alas, the action has moved to the impossible. I had thought of writing a short story or even a play: “Life in the Second Conditional” but only those who have lived in these shadowy relationships would get the punch line…….
Have been traveling today to a conference. Will be surrounded by my “people” and kindred spirits for a few days. I am looking forward to affirmations and collegial interactions. Here I will find acceptance and peace. Life goes on, even for those caught in the wrong end of a conditional statement.
IG, I am happy to know you are with your “peeps” … so much of what you say mirrors my thougths … it’s as if I could have written it though not nearly so eloquently. Your book title made me laugh or at least acknowledged shared circsumstances … it was always “I wish” … plenty of I “woulds” … so passive and powerless. Came to resent such emails really. I am a functional wreck. Totally a mess but walking through my day. A lot of travel on my end too … mostly a few drives … but should keep me distracted. Will write I am sure. Thanks for keeping me company on this hellish journey.
Wrote earlier but my post is not here. I am swamped at work which is the only thing keeping me going. I’m a wreck but trying to move forward. I can’t write now but will try later.
Conference is going well. I must have hugged a hundred people–well perhaps dozens… seeing familiar faces and “feeling the love” has been healing. Life goes on. I wonder if these folks would still love me if they knew what the last year held, but no matter, I would still care for THEM if a similar story came out about them. Yup, sadder but wiser woman can be far more tolerant….I hope one day to feel that joy of a soft caress again and see that “look” from a man in love with me. But for now, it’s networking and pushing the group’s agenda out there. WSB, I am far better than I was months ago. You will see……
Hey…..
Weird feelings coming up these days & I couldn’t figure out why – then I realized that it was about this time last year that I met my X for the first time, we started working together and “fell in love” shortly after. This time of year seems to be bringing up all kinds of memories and feelings. It’s a drag.
I think I just need to vent….. forgive me if I ramble….
I’m still processing all sorts of feelings around this whole thing. I hate to admit it, but the truth is, the only way that I found I was able to end it was to be angry with him. I wish that hadn’t been the case, but there you have it. We were supposed to see each other at a work thing and he took off before we got to see each other. I was really angry. I used that (irrational) anger as fuel to end it, finally. I say it’s irrational anger because I know he left the work function because we both had agreed we’d rather live with the dull ache of missing each other than the panic & anxiety we felt the longer we continued the affair – KNOWING it was going nowhere fast. Still, I was so sure we were going to see each other that night. I was probably angry because he was able to do the smart thing and avoid contact. I guess I also didn’t like how he communicated it – I think I just needed to be mad at him in order to end it once and for all. I think I finally found a scenario that let me feel the impact of the need for it to stop. Snowleopard said something like -”everyone has their breaking point” That was mine. The good news is, I have been able to stop all contact since. I’m so glad it’s over. I don’t really want to harbor anger. I shouldn’t be mad, I should be thanking him.
My husband thinks I need to get in touch with how badly I was used by him. I think we used each other. He thinks I should be PISSED.I wonder about that a lot these days. Hard to go there. Easier to romanticize. How much of a fool was I ? I don’t think I’ve even begun to realize.
It feels strange how final it all feels to me now. I am resolved that the best thing for me is no contact ever – except when work brings us together – and even then it looks like we’ll do our best to avoid each other – and that harsh reality is slowly sinking in. He was my best friend for about 9 months and now no contact ever.The pain is nothing like it used to be, but sometimes I’m still sad about that. Other times I’m more in touch with what a huge waste of time and life force energy it was.The latter feels healthier.
The closer we get to the date (March 20) for this function we’re all supposed to attend – the weirder I feel about it. I just don’t want to see him. I dread it now. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like with all three of us there and it’s making me a little crazy. I am trying to discipline my mind – not think about it – then I try to strategize about how I will handle it and I’m not sure how wise that is either. Though I do want to have given it some thought and be ready to handle whatever situation I may find myself in. Besides that – I have no idea what to wear & It’s a “gala” type thing. Ugh.
Also… as if it wasn’t already challenging enough… there’s a project at work coming up next year that the X and I are both likely to be asked to be a part of. This would require working together again – not necessarily alone – but spending considerable time together nonetheless. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking about it. I wonder if he’ll do it if he knows I’m doing it. I hate the fact that I am considering turning down work to avoid contact. Not sure what to do in this instance. Will talk about it with my husband.
So much to say….that’s all for now…sorry for just talking about myself the whole time…. I really needed to vent….
thanks for reading me….
~Zoe~*~*~*~*~
Hey Zoe: I was wondering how you were doing. Good to hear from you and yes, venting here is a good thing to do. I am currently surrounded by professional peers and this conference is not the venue in which to spill my guts. Great to have TV’s blog as a platform (though we seem to have highjacked it).
Anniversary reactions. Yup, mine will start to creep in too…First contact, first face to face meeting, first sexual contact, last moment of intimacy, last phone call before D day….unfortunately I remember them well….. But I do know that as in grieving loss of a loved one, that the emotional cloud will attenuate over time. I think we will remember those milestones for awhile, but they ultimately fade into our narrative rather than dominate them. As you and Snowleopard said, building new memories is the best way to handle it.
I wish for you that you didn’t have to encounter the X but unfortunately you share professional links. No wisdom here…I just know that I dread encountering my AP because it will dredge up the wishing we were together again. I’m sorry that this is your reality.
Yes it seems that anger is one mechanism to create emotional distance from a lover. For some reason I haven’t summoned that feeling yet. Figure that anger will ultimately come. You are right in that we lovers do use each other. I have heard that anger has the potential to destroy from within, but it sounds like you found it useful.
Zoe, know that I am thinking of you as that date you worry about approaches. You have come so far, your husband loves you, and while he probably cannot fully understand what you are going through, he is supporting you.
WSB, I am thinking of you too. Burying yourself in work is certainly one strategy, but I heard the need for balance in Snowleopard’s share. Breathe my friend, just breathe…..
IG
Thanks, Island Girl. That really helped. I’m feeling a little better this morning. It helps to write it all out. I’m sending good vibes…..~Zoe~*~*~*~
TV – It’s been a long time since I’ve written you. The last time I wrote I was in a crazy state of my mind. I feel my conversations with you made you give up your writing about your affair. I think I scared you and made you happy that your affair had ended.
My OM and I have now been together 14 1/2 years. We had a talk a few weeks ago about why he has stayed with his wife for so long. His response was that he is a family man. He does love his kids who are adults and loves that family atmosphere. When we dated 40 years ago, I had an abortion. I don’t know if it was a mistake because he through three marriages he’s been a cheater. Now I’m sitting alone while he and the wife are on their 2 week spring vacation. He does call me everyday or I’d go crazy. He goes crazy not seeing me for more than one week. They have no sex life.
When I last wrote, he secretly built a summer home for the family. I went crazy when I found out and threatened to tell his wife about our affair. I did not and will not. He has been too good to me for me to ever do that to him. He only spends 2 days a week in the summer at the summer home and one week with the family there. It’s hard for him to call me that week because he’s always with the kids.
How will this affair end? You said they always do. This is so long term it’s hard to even think about how it will end. Does she know and just accept it? When he’s at my house and she calls he’s so calm and collected. I would have never accepted his cheating if I didn’t have the abortion.
I guess I’m writing because I’m lonely and question how this affair will end. This is a 40 year dating/cheating relationship through 3 wives. We have had a steady affair for 14 1/2 years. Other than the fact that he’s been a serial cheater in the past, he’s a good guy; a great guy. Everybody loves him. I know it’s been several years since he’s cheated on me. We argued when I knew he was cheating on me. I hate to argue and feel bad. Now he’s just getting to old and now always keeps our date nights. How will this end or will it end when one of us dies?
Jill
greetings … I don’t have access to my work computer and it is very hard to write at home … have much to share. I can read the posts on my hand held but for some reason cannot write. IG, you’re so right. Absorbed in work. A distraction. Need to deal with my $%^&. Not easy. I am back before 3/20 and will write you Zoe. Your visit will be fine. Actually, it has the potential of being very very hard. You need a plan. You need some distractions and a mechanism for dealing with X when you do see him. I tend to like to stir the pot. I’d likely try to look as good as I am able and at least look like I am having the BEST time. In the end, you will just need to get through it. Don’t think I will ever completely get over my guy. It’s been about a week of no contact. Don’t miss the drama … but do miss him.
I feel the need to circle back and acknowledge “round”, who posted several days ago. I had read your earlier post in the course of consuming TV Explorer’s blog, but have to admit your situation made me suck in my breath. So much suffering. Your affair partner is suffering to be sure. His wife will NEVER let him forget how your affair humiliated and crushed her. Sounds like you saw the brokenness in his eyes. How sad.
And Jill, your situation gave me pause as well. Fourteen plus years living in the shadows, never to “win” him. The fact that you have hung in there through three marriages, an abortion, and a 40 year history makes me marvel at your tenacity. I would bet you can be resilient as well. You might benefit (as Wantsomethingbetter has) from reading Snowleopard’s two posts in our thread. I feel that it is never too late to find love in life from an AVAILABLE man; it seems that what the two of you have is deeply grooved and routine. Note I didn’t say “comfortable” as you have clearly transmitted your pain. The human heart—our human heart–sure is complicated!!!
I am headed home from the conference, belly and brain full. I still miss my OM and wish I could be headed home to HIM, but it is simply not to be. Life goes on (my new mantra…..)
IG
Hi All,
It’s been a while since I checked in and was so happy to see all of the recent discussions between WSB, IG and Zoe in particular. My story is so very similar to bits and pieces of each of yours. Although I wasn’t in the discussions, I felt as each of you were speaking to me. There is so much honesty, care and raw understanding in your conversations. It easy to see your hearts are as broken and fragile as mine and that I’m not just the flawed, foolish individual that I often beat myself up for being.
I’ll try to keep my long story short. In summary, it’s been an 18 month relationship that saw I first D-day one month in (his wife). We could not be kept apart and since then have tried to leave each other a handful of times and he even got caught communicating with me again in August. We ended things for a bit but it did not stick. We have had another knock down drag out blow up just recently and have decided to move on because neither of us is really making each other happy at all anymore. In many ways, it’s been my insecurity and jealousy that has worn it out completely. I simply cannot trust my OM anymore. Each d-day and its aftermath was always ridden with threats of separation between them, meetings with lawyers and all the wheels set in motion to end his “sham marriage of convenience” as he refers to it. But in the end, it somehow blows over and they go back to normal routines, taking the next family trip etc etc. It’s only for the kids I am told. You know the drill. I am married with children as well and I would not be proud of myself to break up my own or anyone else’s marriages but lately all I hbe been able to seem to focus on are those I meet or am acquaintances with who are divorced or remarried, starting new happy lives in new happy relationships. It not always a disaster or maybe I just cannot see what lies beneath. I have tried to convince him of this but his wife successfully convinces him otherwise. I truly have no idea what he must say to her to get out of the instances where he has gotten caught. It what makes me so I secure. To think he disparages and downplays what we have/had. That he pours all sorts of over the top emotion on her. It literally makes me sick and I have become a very irrational and erratic person about it all. It’s at a point where I can no longer accept him telling me he loves me or say it back. I’m full of bitterness and resentment and I’m not even 1/2 the person I was whene we fell in love. So I pushed the wedge deeper and deeper and we recently decided it was done but already the conversations about what went wrong, what we could change to try again are surfacing and I simply cannot let this bck into my life. I have always been the person changing an adapting each step of the way. My life is very independent and I was able to be at more available to my OM than he ever was but especially after getting caught. The radio silence whenever he was within 20 ft of her, being blown off, ignored and treated like the plague These dynamics were unbearable and so for us to try again involves me just finding better ways to grin and bear it. When will I find the strength to shut this door for good? I feel I’m as ready as I ever have been but that what is keeping me hooked now is the overwhelming fear that I’ll let him go and he will be fine, forget me instantly, act as if it all never meant a thing. It’s strange I know. In a way it’s as if my ego can’t handle letting this go and realizing that maybe it wasn’t really love, that I was not the love of his life as he told me, that what we had did not transcend anything at all but was just a fling. On the other hand, my ego and heart cannot handle the roller coaster anymore. It’s literally aged me I think. I remember looking in the mirror early on in this affair thinking I had a glow of happiness and looked better than ever…well with the weight loss and the increased attention to dressing, make up etc…all the classic affair signs that my husband has yet to notice. Now I look and see the reflection of someone filled with anger and sadness. I know I need to let it go and be the one who closes the door not the other way around because that would be too hard. He sort of was this week but he’s already having second thoughts and reaching out to me so now is my chance….pull the trigger, strike the final blow…and in a way that leaves no crack in the door as in the past. Where do I find this resolve? Can I? I’m deathly afraid of losing him completely.
I’ve been googling and reading articles and posts all over this week, my D-Day was just over a week ago. This site is by far the best therapy, it’s real people admitting life sucks ass….and when we get caught up in something we shouldn’t have we still want it or want it back. My story is very similar to others, it was an emotional affair through and through, our communication was internet, text and phone. It went on for 4 years gradually building our bond, and yes I fear going into details right now. Lets just say while it was building I had suggested multiple times it would eventually end, we even tried to voluntarily end it (would only last a day or so)…..we both knew there were too many obstacles (such as young kids on both sides) but just enjoyed the fantasy of it. Many times I would piss her off by referencing our ‘real world’ lives with the ‘us’…..our companionship was real, the feelings were real…..given the right circumstances everything could be real. We even alluded that someday when the kids are older that it may be possible….I cherished that thought, there was nothing I wanted more…at times giving up everything in my current life didn’t matter….I wanted to be with her, the cost was the cost and I was going to do it somehow, someway…..I could tell as time passed we were both poisoning our ‘real’ relationships in damaging ways…the ‘fog’ .
Her husband discovered us and after what I can only guess was a marathon interrogation during which she must of broke down and told him who I was, he called me and requested (politely) that I stop communication with her…..I am trying to respect his wishes. A week out and was amazes me is how no contact with her has stopped me so dead in my tracks. During our rituals I would feel some days it was really more work than it’s worth and I didn’t understand how we sustained it…..I would pull away, she would pull me back and vs versa….and so we continued through the rollercoaster.
We never did say goodbye, and judging by others on here that seems to be a theme….I do feel better compared to last week at this same time….but I still miss her dearly. Since I gave my word I haven’t attempted contact…..but I keep hoping she will. I feel like I need closure…according to everyone here the only closure will come with time, and I loathe the thought.
Funny how your brain can tell you to smarten the fuck up and your heart keeps wanting to run you right back into the pain of it all.
Ok, I just wrote a REALLY LONG post, lost it, re-wrote it and lost it again. Not sure what’s happening but I don’t think I have the energy to re-write the long version right now.
I wanted to acknowledge my pals Islandgirl, Wantsomethingbetter & Snowleopard who have gotten me through some really difficult times. I am stronger now and I really appreciate the support you’ve given me here. Thank you for that.
Thanks to Islandgirl for mentioning the post from “Round” which I completely missed before – never saw it – didn’t mean to ignore you, Round. I know how helpful it was for me to have input on my situation. I think I too would find it very painful to have to see my X with someone else or to be around him a lot and have to completely ignore each other. Sounds like torture. Hang in there. Time will heal.
Jill,
Your story really blows my mind. Such a long time, and such a huge part of your life. Have you been single the whole time you’ve been in your affair? Have you been together steadily for 14 1/2 years or on and off? Do you WANT to end it? Does the pleasure of your relationship outweigh the pain? I wonder how it is we stay “in” these things so long after it feels good. I know I stayed much longer than I should have. I’ve heard it’s the same cycle of pain/pleasure that drug addicts go through.
I want to echo what Islandgirl writes: “I would bet you can be resilient as well. You might benefit (as Wantsomethingbetter has) from reading Snowleopard’s two posts in our thread. I feel that it is never too late to find love in life from an AVAILABLE man”
Tryagain writes: “We ended things for a bit but it did not stick. ….I know I need to let it go and be the one who closes the door not the other way around because that would be too hard. He sort of was this week but he’s already having second thoughts and reaching out to me so now is my chance….pull the trigger, strike the final blow…and in a way that leaves no crack in the door as in the past. Where do I find this resolve? Can I?
YES YOU CAN! I say that to everyone who is still hanging out in Iimbo. Do it. Limbo turns into HELL over time, I promise you. I recommend you take advantage of the feeling you have right now of having the power to be the one to close the door and DO IT. The longer you leave the door open the longer it takes to get on with the healing. The healing starts the minute you make that decision.
Peter,
I’m glad you found us. With your D day so close you must still be in a little bit of shock. I realize in retrospect that what I went through when my husband found out was catastrophic and i was definitely in a kind of shock. I’m still recovering.
Peter writes: “During our rituals I would feel some days it was really more work than it’s worth and I didn’t understand how we sustained it…..I would pull away, she would pull me back and vs versa….and so we continued through the rollercoaster.”
That rollercoaster you describe is so familiar. I tried for a feeling of closure. It didn’t work. I’m very lucky my husband didn’t go public and tell people when he found out, as it would have been a huge scandal in our professional community as well as among our friends and families. Even so, I took risks that were insane after my husband found out and finally 6 months after d-day took a hard look at myself and made the cut. Ended it. No matter how “well” you end it, it’s still a cut and it’s going to hurt until it has a chance to heal. Continually picking the scab and opening the wound by making contact didn’t help. Or to go back to our earlier metaphor – There’s no real closure and the healing doesn’t start until you get off the rollercoaster, leave the park and go home.
I read recently – on twitter of all places – “I just need closure = I want to make myself look insane to my ex.” This rang all too frighteningly true and made me relieved I got out before I let it go any further into hell.
Round writes: I cannot forget those times, they are part of my life now. I might put them away, but there are there. Memories made. I am a changed person – and i have learnt so much.”
This reflects my thinking now, especially as I come up on the anniversaries. I’d like to think that maybe I have learned from these mistakes and can come out on the other side a better person. I believe that painful experiences, dark times, “negative” things have a purpose and can bear fruit. I can learn and grow from them. With every shadow there’s a light. My X and I talked about how “doing the right thing” by not contacting each other & letting go of trying to be together may be a way for us to “pay back” some of the pain we caused. Every time we feel the pain of separation and don’t give in to impulses to contact each other, we can offer it up as a kind of payment for the pain we’ve caused – paying our karmic debt, so to speak. I believe that in doing that we can, in a sense, attempt to redeem ourselves and participate consciously in the healing of this wound for the highest good of all concerned. In this way, I hope I can use my failure as a kind of springboard and move into the light this spring.
Here’s to new beginnings, to spring, to rising above our failings…
With Love,
Zoe
Oh Zoe, great post!!! For those who haven’t wished to “slog through the blog” to find Snowleopard’s remarkable contributions, they are 2/24/2012 and 2/28/2012 on this thread.
Peter, I have to agree that TV Explorer’s blog is amazing. I have read all of his postings, and have even gone a little down the personal threads of Uglyontheinside and Susan (whose odyssey is most instructive, as she “got the guy”, and it wasn’t what she expected), both of whom on are on related sites. TV has bared his soul and one can see the really tough journey he took. He didn’t post a formal blog on the outcome of all this, but did state in one of the threads that he and his wife are separated, and I’m guessing divorcing……All that effort that he put into salvaging the relationship was not for naught–he learned, didn’t he? But in the end his wife could not get over the betrayal. Instructive. Sad. The harsh reality that what we have all done has a deep cost, even if our spouse/significant other agrees to “keep us” following the affair.
I continue to learn from everyone who posts here. It is a collaborative trek through the Looking Glass, and just as nonsensical as a hookah-smoking caterpillar…….Thanks to all of you who encourage and embrace me. We can get through this, singly and together.
Island Girl
Thank you Zoe for your reply and encompassing me and Peter. I have to say how it is somewhat comforting to see Peter on here. Pter’s words: “our companionship was real, the feelings were real…..given the right circumstances everything could be real. We even alluded that someday when the kids are older that it may be possible….I cherished that thought, there was nothing I wanted more…at times giving up everything in my current life didn’t matter….I wanted to be with her, the cost was the cost and I was going to do it somehow” My OM conveyed the same sentiments to me but i never believed him. I could not. He had many opportunities to leave but he would not. I know that if he did, I would have but we were both too scared so the love was not enough and as a ” good girl” which I always liked to believe I was, I now feel used and discarded if this ends. Its lamost my excuse to keep it going…so I dont have to feel as if I this was all just a black mark on my resume. In my professional and social circles I am so together and confident yet I hang in the balances of a person I love so deeply and just wait to get thrown a scrap. I truly hate myself when I look deep. The smart and beautiful souls on Tv’s blog…starting with Tv himself have helped me more than I could ever imagine. I’m ignoring his last text that said ” Serious…I just love you…I cannot lose you” tears he will never bring me anything but tears and empty promises. Closing the door. Not leaving a crack. Wish i believed i could.
Yes it was VERY nice to read everyone’s replies, thank you everyone it does help to kinda talk about it since I feel very alone (even though in my ‘real life’ I have it all). Tryagain your words made me smile, my circumstances with my OW are probably why her and I dipped our toes into this relationship to begin with and in my current mind is why we can’t be together currently either. We’re both married with kids, and there was a huge distance between us and that was how I justified it as being ‘ok’, I mean after all how could you fall in love anyone through phone conversations right ?? Every relationship has variables which somehow allowed the planets to align and for you to fall for this other person. How they truly feel about you or who loves who more is the question we struggle with. I love her more, of that I’m sure…..and perhaps you’re the same as me you love him more and it makes you feel vulnerable because you want to keep enabling him….. I want to enable my OW too. Her lack of attempts to contact me last week and today are turning me into an absolute mess. How could she tell me every day how much she needs me and loves me, yet since D-day not even so much as a ‘I’m sorry’ or anything ??? I mean if it was reversed and my wife found out, I would have still contacted her and said something….even if it was to say, I need to back off and figure out some things. To me the act of doing is by far more than the act of saying anything….
I give myself completely which perhaps is what the other person loved most in me….again I don’t know….I’m like you waiting for a sign of something more than words. Not sure if I had a point to make other than I think many of us share a similar attribute and in the process we trap ourselves in waiting for the payout. I can’t advise anyone on here what to do I’m very much still wanting my crack fix, which right now makes me damaged goods…..but it’s very comforting to be amongst others who’ve been through similar.
Keep talking it out, it helps.
Hey guys. Glad you are here. tryagain, your story is so similar to Zoe’s and wantsomethingbetter’s. The onus is on you to end the relationship. Peter, my story looks like yours as the affair blew up on his end, and I had precious little interaction after he was confronted: one phone call, one voice mail, an email, and a text attempting to get together again. Then nothing……..It was jarring, and I thought I would go mad. I found this blog some weeks later, and it has helped significantly. This group is not romanticizing the affairs, but realistically reflecting on the journey. What I can say to Peter and tryagain, is that the pain does get better over time regardless of who broke it off. It is sad that we cannot see into our “other”s lives to know if they are suffering too, but based upon TV explorer’s posts, I was able to imagine that my AP had many of the same feelings,as his wife surely had the same screaming matches, threats, anger, anguish, what-have-you. My OM was able to convey that his life was hell in the few contacts following D day. Something that made me wish all the more I could hold him and lure him away. But as TV said, in the end, your AP goes back to their life, perhaps not happily, but back to whatever they have built with their spouse/significant other. I guess that is the way of the world.
On my OM’s side, I imagine that relatives and friends came out of the woodwork to compel him to stay where he was. He had made it clear to me that he did not want to lose all his friends, as he felt they would not be supportive of his leaving his wife for me, and then there was the resource issue. They were better off together rather than splitting up the assets. Sorry but it does sometimes come down to money and friends. The love of one woman–or one man,Peter—cannot overcome the losses that discovery, disfranchisement, and divorce bring. My affair began also as an “emotional affair”, phenomenal eMails that I treasured and fingered endlessly. Then we cranked it up with a meeting, followed by drinks, and ultimately sex. Infidelity trifecta: eMails/chats, phone calls/texts, in-person meetings. We had it all (or did we?) until his wife caught him. And it was OVER…..
What I hear in many of our posts is that our public lives seem so perfect and put together, and privately we are in hell. That disclosure would create grief and ruin for us. Ah the veneers we have erected. So here we are, strangers to each other, but virtual sisters and brothers in the Clan of the Broken Heart. The good news is that time heals, as Zoe and others attest. And it does get better. We promise.
Island Girl
Peter,
I think you are very accurate about the loving them more idea. It does sound as if it’s that way for both of us. My OM was caught twice and he shut me out temporarily but eventually he contacted me mostly because he was in a living hell with someone he did not like to begin with. Each time he came back, I tried to put my foot down and even feel guilt towards his wife and family and te pain she must be feeling but in the end, many of the things he would tell me about Her and how she was with him just made me hate her and take on an attitude of thinking she deserved what she got. If she was going to forgive her serial cheater husband and choose to believe he was reformed so be it. Enjoy life with your head in the sand. It’s comical to me now how cavalier I was able to be. I’m the one with my head in the sand. I realize that now. My guess is that your OW is very frightened of what her husband may do if he found out she contacted you. Who knows what dynamics he has set in motion. She must be hurting immensely. It’s impossible not to. I think we all have to trust in that and realize that our biggest fear of “did they really care?” “was it real?” etc etc is impossible to get answers to. TV often states this. But we need to trust ourselves enough to know that we have deep and loving hearts and we could not have fallen for them
If there was not some meaningful connection. For some that connection is compartmentalized more though I think. My OM was very good at separating and compartmentalizing. I was not as good at that. I had the dreams of fantasy becoming reality. He did sometimes as well but one conversation with her about getting divorced and her threats to not allow him any custody of their kids shocked that right out of him. And how could I blame him. I wish she would contact you if it would bring you some type of closure but the reality is that it will just re-open the wounds. Everyone on here is so supportive. Have you confided with a friend about your relationship. I have shared with a few…more than I should but I did it after the first D-day because I felt I needed to be accountable so I would never go back. That did not work obviously and then I became a liar to those friends because I could never tell them I went bck. More vicious lies. Vicious cycle. I know I need to just go back to my life. I’m not sure it was ever that bad. Like Peter had said, my OM and I prob poisoned our own relationships the most once we were together. They were bearable before. But everything paled in comparison to the electricity and connection he and I thought we shared. Lovers, best friends, soul mates…now nothing? Seems unfair. Seems like a waste. 18 months of my life I’ll never get back and never be able to forget.
Island Girl I re-read a lot of your posts in this thread, and I think you’re right…..your situation and mindset is very much like mine.
I could not put it better…than your words below…substituting the change in gender of course
“I still grieve the loss of my lover, and now must turn my attention to what to do with a husband I no longer love. Not only “not in love’ with him, but “not loving” him the way a wife loves her husband. I am sad, and dismayed at his recent displays of affection for Valentine’s day–a card saying how lucky he was the day he fell in love with me, some physical advances rebuffed by me (I can’t bear for him to touch me). I have not told him of this affair, but marvel that he must have absolutely no idea. The strain of my year-long double life, the years we both neglected this marriage, the anger I felt over his workaholism, all have taken their toll and I am too tired to put energy in. My only hope now is that I fall in love with him due to some Stockholm Syndrome type phenomenon. That’s about what it would take. I am now exploring what I want to do, getting counseling, taking things slowly, aware that time is moving on and if I wish to leave my husband, that it must be with integrity (meaning sans the third person), and timely enough so that he could find new love.”
“I was exhausted by living two lives…..now that I’m down to one, it is a little easier. I am still working on that “passion” thing. I am fond of my husband, and respect that he and I have raised children together, but love and passion seem quite far away”
“My marriage was happy in the beginning but years of career building and raising children wore us down. We focused on the tasks “at hand” and let something precious slip through our tired fingers.”
Sigh, yep this is me…………………
I agree I think my OW is in a world of shit right now, even more than me perhaps because her spouse knows and mine does not. As messed up as it sounds, knowing she’s feeling lost is like therapy for me, it justifies that what feelings I thought we had were real….the time and effort put in was not a game, not for passing time and not a waste of time. We both learned a lot from each other, and yeah even now as hard as lesson as this is, she is still teaching me things…..and I love her still for even that. I will never accept her involvement in my life as a mistake, she is part of me now and forever. That doesn’t mean I won’t move on, I’m quite sure I will……I don’t plan on ever confessing, that’s the one thing on this blog from TV that I latched onto. Out of the blue admission of such a thing proves nothing …..other than causing pain, the only rational I could see for such a move (in my case) is if I wanted to provoke more tension and fuel the fire to actually leave her.
If this is affair is over, I can’t promise to want to stay married either……but at least it won’t be because I’m dividing my time. Parts of me believe the wheels coming off could be a blessing in disguise as I always had a problem whenever I tried to end it…..I’m weak weak weak.
Still am
Thanks for letting me ramble and responding.
tryagain and Peter: keep talking! What I hear from both of you, WSB, and myself is that while we all understand that our affair partners are gone, we are left with the real flesh and blood partner whom we no longer cherish. Zoe has somehow thrown herself back into her marriage and is whole-hearted-ly committing herself to making it work. WSB and I are further back in the process, but I’ll tell you……I have realized that if I were single, I would likely date my husband: trim, attractive, friendly, good career–he would be a good catch even now. So I am trying to understand how to recapture that interest that first brought us together. Is it just buried under years of anger and neglect? Could it still be alive down there???? We remain friendly with each other, and I have tried to spend energy on him the way I attended to my OM. I have invited husband to run errands when I used to just go without him….It is going to be a tough slog and I am not entirely sure this is going to work. I have spent far more energy on trying to get over the GRIEF of losing my lover–that lover, best friend, soulmate that tryagain described. I keep thinking that I can’t do anything with the husband until the profound sense of loss has dissipated. Recently, my husband said something that conveyed to me he might know more than I thought. If that is true, he is showing me far more grace than I deserve……
Island Girl
Island Girl-
I too am impressed with Zoe’s success in focusing on her marriage. I can honestly say that through the course of my affair I did try to rekindle with my husband…often out of spite and loneliness inflicted by my OM and the dynamics he perpetuated in his own marriage. I realize that was not the right motivation but it is what it is. In any event, my husband is still who he is and really who he always was. He doesn’t require the nurturing or attention that I do and seems just fine without it. We operate in a situation where we circle one another, parent, manage. I handle 90% of everyday stuff. He’s only upset with me when he feels I’m not doing enough with or for my kids bc of my career. I really think he could live in a loveless marriage forever. He has verbalized in arguments that we had in the past that he does not care if we hate each other, he will never leave his kids. Nice. Good and dedicated father I guess but he never subscribed to the “happy wife, happy life” theory. We dated only a year before getting engaged, married a year after that. It was during our engagement that I realized things were maybe flawed. We fought a lot. Ironically, I had a hard time trusting him. He had been married before…less than a year when he was jut out of college. This made me very insecure. I acknowledge my role in the break down of our relationship and it happened early on. I don’t agree with him that divorce is not an option. I believe it can be done well and that maybe ultimately, my kids would be better off living in a home/homes where the adults were happy and able to show love, affection and nurturing towards one another. I grew up in a family where that was not the case but they stayed together…miserable, berating ech other, no love. Maybe that has formed my character flaws and relationship disaster. Who knows. Have any of you turned to professional counseling to understand and work through these issues? I am feeling like it may be the best thing. By the way, I must come clean. My AP and I are in contact past few days….fighting it out mostly….I’m still seeking answers and trying to understand what is in his head. He is still saying jut enough to string me along and keep me engaged but on his terms as usual. I have told him if he wants to keep me, he needs to show me this is important to him. He fails miserably at this. There was a time that he made me feel on top of the world. That has faded so really, I know I’m hanging onto nothing. But my alternative is the nothing at home so maybe I’m just addicted to the drama at this point because it’s better than nothing. Sad I know and self destructive. Thanks as always for listening and talking
Here’s the devils advocate in me coming out
I don’t think I’m not a super catch by any means but I don’t think if I did leave my marriage that my AP would have much grip on me for long cause I can and would have fun playing the dating game.
Tryagain, if you and your AP are living in close proximity to each other where he could still be a part of kids life, then his excuse and her threats are all shit. That said, you also need to take a good look inside, if your married why don’t you take the chance first and see if he’ll join you ? The reason I say it like that is because that is my mindset right now….affair or not, if a year or two after this crap is over I still feel like I’m missing out on something I will leave….otherwise I’ll probably repeat this shit if the planets align again, so I recognize that now. I told my AP many times that I would leave my wife if we were closer I would put her on a timer to be with me or lose me. My point is if your not willing to jump then don’t expect him to cause he’s not living in the real world and why should he, no one ever wants to go first
I have not confided in any of my friends, in the course of me making time for two lives I pushed most of my close friends away to get the time required. And no if even I did pick one or two I would not share regardless as it’s just too much risk.
Island Girl – I think my above statement addresses my feelings about my marriage currently as well. Her and I are a good team, we had a plan and we have goals….but somewhere in there I decided that I don’t like living with someone who acts like she’s 95. My wife’s personality is very blah….which is funny, cause when we we’re younger she was exciting and fun and outgoing. I used to try to romance her and be playful and show her affection, she blew me off lots and really made me feel like our sex life was something she just had to do. Fast forward to today she wants the old me back cause she knows I’m in a mid-life crisis shift of some kind…..but I’m a bitter now and don’t want to be playful with her. I’m needy and I know it, I want what I put in to come back out….and no matter who it’s with if I don’t get that ……it’s doomed to have me feeling the same way…….rinse repeat.
Still no contact today…….my patience is holding out, mostly because in my heart I can’t believe she won’t contact me….I’m telling myself maybe she’s just letting some time fill in. Not sure how long I will give it, I know sometime at some point if she doesn’t I will, I need answers.
I should add if this were a more private fourm I would lay out specfic details that would fill in the blanks, as it is I have to leave things pretty generic for I’m the paranoid one which is why to this point I’ve not had my world implode.
Peter…….let it go, friend…..the last contact from my affair partner, which was a last ditch effort to reconnect, was December 1st. It blew up on his side, and I am quite sure that the betrayed spouse has reined him in so tightly he can’t breathe. I spent weeks visiting our secret eMail address, watching my phone for calls, answering any call that I didn’t recognize. I was watching, waiting, wanting, wishing……..and wearing out…….. I still love him, but understand now that the chances of his return are vanishingly small. It’s time to move on with my life, pick up the pieces, see where I want to go from here. I must have read thousands of blogs and several books. If the literature is any measure, even if he were freed, he might not come back to me. He already knows all my baggage and might just prefer to go explore somewhere else….You understand Peter, you have said you would like to play the dating game again. I know, I know, he did love me, and it was wonderful, but it is over. As TV explorer says, the affair is doomed to end from the start. I’m guessing that your AP, when she had to come clean, agreed to no contact with you. That is the customary procedure. Sucks big time. Closure has to come from within…..You have said that you learned so much from this, you have benefitted. What would you ask her? If she had loved you? If she misses you? If she learned something remarkable about herself too? Betcha she would say yes, but had to return to the fold.
Just as you, I would LOVE to write far more specifics about my experience. My OM took me places I had never had the chance to explore, both personally and physically. I miss the excitement, the outings, the sex, the adult conversation, the “look” that passed between us. So now, what I have are memories that I can hold deep in my heart and when I am 90 and rocking in my chair on the porch, I can say: “I once loved a ………(fill in the blank)”, for that is all one gets out of these affairs: memories.
And to both tryagain and Peter, I say that your marriages sound less than appealing. Yes, I would consider counseling, tryagain, but it doesn’t sound hopeful. You are right in that children would do better in a home with loving parent and step-parent (or none at all) rather than a home with two natural parents battling to the death. Your description of your homelife reminds me of what I have heard in Adult Child of Alcoholics groups. That might be a place to start if alcohol was a factor in your upbringing (certainly was in mine). And Peter, if you know you are apt to do this again, the best thing to do is to release your wife before you devastate her with your actions.
IG
IG your right, after I posted it I felt exactly as you described……what anwser could I get. I already know the answers, the only anwser I’m really curious about is why she threw me under the bus…..and why she allowed him to call me. He should of had her call me and tell me, then if he wanted to drive home the point fine……it feels like I’m going through a bit of an anger phase now….I do need to let it go, thank you again. Yes I’m sitting watching secret places, all of which were exposed to him now except for 1. I know she gave me up to him only after intense and long interrogation, would I of given her up….no way…yes even with the last contact I desire it’s doomed and so we need to heal, knowing it I still can’t turn it off….but that’s where time does it’s magic right…..and WOW time seems to be standing still lol
I know it yet I can’t stop sitting, watching and waiting…..
As for my marriage I promise I will not do this again while committed to someone else. If I can’t find peace I will end it for both our sakes.
This place is my rock, I need reality checks too.
Peter –
I was like yourself – questioning ‘why did he throw me under the bus’
In the end – it did nothing but dement me. I had to find my own way of letting it go.
To be honest – I will never ever understand how he could want to hurt me so bad- we did share so much- more so for him, he was able to talk and be loved, feel needed and valued, and really open his heart.
But when it came to DD and his family- that is all that mattered. Regardless of the if’s- but’s and why’s – it was his family that mattered and no amount of thinking or guessing or asking questions of why , or running through our moments and time together ..made any difference or could offer me any peace.
I now just accept that he made a choice, and frankly we are all accountable for our actions, regardless of family , love , lies, truth…we choose our paths and this is why I can not and will not excuse his behaviour – it hurts like hell to think I was maybe used? Maybe lied to, thrown under a bus – but i can not pretty that up- it happened and despite our love being love and our time being special..he made the choice to kick me to the kerb to stay put and that has now erased anything that was special in my eyes.
Because even a simple call/text/letter – friggin anything to say- sorry I need to work on my marriage , would have salvaged some respect that I had for him- but I got nothing.
Sure I see him now, my gut tells me he is unhappy, he looks ashamed, broken, she has taken over and I sense life is not so great-
But they choose to love their life the way they see it fit- I have had to try and accept that rater than question it .
It does get easier- u think less about them and that will only come when you hit rock bottom and say no- I am taking back my life.
Just tonight I saw his wife on the front paper – local paper – it would normally be him- bit she is doing all the PR work now..it would have made me so sad before- now I just think wow- their life changed and I really am glad to not be part of destroying a marriage anymore .
I did my damage and I am now busy forgiving myself.
I am no longer as angry- I am mainly sad. Sad to have lost my friend/lover and the one person who I confided in and ditto him to me . I wonder at times will he now look back and hate me- though he had no reason to do that- but I am sure his wife will be making sure he does hate me .
I guess I just wanted to share that with you and say – all ur current emotions are real, feel them, and work on accepting them, and letting them go and working on a new you.
I had a pretty good day today, I really reflected in my anger for wanting ‘anwsers’ and ya shit happens. Me sitting and waiting for a magic call that will unravel the universe of clarity didn’t come when we were talking it’s sure as hell isn’t coming while were not talking. Funny thing was I had to remind myself of all the times I tried convincing her we should end it. How much work it was to keep the fantasy alive, and the last few months were more talking about sad it was that we could never be together doing everyday stuff…..and ya who dreams about everyday stuff ? The relationship was going nowhere, but we were comfort food to each other stuck in a loop of nothingness.
. Don’t get me wrong I actually think her hubby is probably an ok guy, hell lots of what I do know about him he sounds alot like me, however my personality is nothing like his when it comes to respecting others, he’s a bully and I am not.
I’m not going to pretend I’m over her……nope nadda not even close and I don’t want to be. Maybe that’s the trick at least for now, she started off as my friend and so she still is and I love her. I’m a romantic, I love to love and show love, and your right she’s chosen her life. I think part of me wants anwsers and a BIG part maybe is just wanting to know what happened on D-Day….what does her control-freak husband now know that he didn’t before….he now knows she’s not happy and someone else got inside her head and maybe showed her that not all men are like him……..she’ll never be the same just like I won’t, maybe she is a little more shallow or weak for letting him call me rather than doing it herself, she always did fear him a bit. I guess that part does anger me, as I read on here another poster wrote that he was confronted by his AP hubby to which he told him…..“I didn’t invite you into my life – so you need to leave. Your wife invited me into YOURS, so take it up with her!”…love that….keeping that in back pocket
The answers I still seek still bother me but round your comment
“I now just accept that he made a choice, and frankly we are all accountable for our actions, regardless of family , love , lies, truth…we choose our paths and this is why I can not and will not excuse his behaviour – it hurts like hell to think I was maybe used?
Yes we were used, but we used them too….it hurts mostly because we came in 2nd (maybe 3rd or 4th even lol) when we thought we were number 1….but were we ever ? Noooooo I can’t help but remember all the times I felt like I was a hobby when she was bored.
Tommorow it’ll be two weeks since I spoke to her last. I’ve had vivd dreams of her trying to talk to me in my dreams the past 3 nights and have been waking up 6 times or more when they happen….they are strange dreams I’ve never had before they’re right out of movies where they’re just intense flashes….lol…they don’t freak me out they just don’t let me stay sleeping….and they make the night last longer. So in the end today I felt better, tommorow maybe I’ll be back to square one. I think I just need to let time do it’s thing….do I still want her to contact me…sure I do… yes I need to start picking up the pieces. I figure the best revenge I can have is to live my life as best I can.
Take care everyone…..thanks again for your time and patience with me.
Peter- your words hit home and I so appreciate the male perspective right now. Your comments about he and I having the ripe opportunity to take the leap of faith are dead on. There is barely any distance between us…several miles and our worlds have collided royally as a result. Those stories are for another time I hear what you say About me taking the first leap to leave. I really was ready to until he reconciled w his wife after the second time she found out about us. She was willing to let him go be w me it seemed at that time. He was sent out to make the call to me to ask where my head was at. It was in a fog….of worry and cOnfusion for him, me our kids etc. I told him to go back to her. That I could not leave at that instant, that I needed time and so did he. I was amazed they bounced back and stayed together yet again. Also equalky amazed she never exposed me or confronted me. As for the former, I know realize its because he has shared enough with her about my own dysfunctional marriage for her to know that it would be over if my H learned of this and she knows if I am free and clear, he will leave her so her resolve to still trap him and leverage his guilt over leaving his kids I stronger than her resolve to ruin me. Should I respect that? At certain moments I do and as I mentioned, it truly has brOken our relationship down because my imagination. Runs wild with the the things he must say and do to get through the days and nights. I know my marriage would not make it through the revelation and I’ve gotten to a point at times where I don’t care if we get caught again bc I hope she will expose me finally. Or do I? I’ll never confess either and I want to leave with respect in tact so maybe now is my time.
I digress though. Could he and I make it work? I’m not certain. I’ve convinced him off my own fears which are her never accepting me and poisoning his kids against me/him. My H would not live the scenario but so long as he still felt he ha ample time w his kids, he’d live. Really all he cares about anyway. So I guess you called me out Peter…I guess I’m a coward just like my OM. But more than that, I guess my insecurity over whether he would follow my lead runs deep. However, you are right in saying that either way, it shouldn’t matter. I’m in an unfulfilling marriage and sooner or later, I need to move on and go it alone perhaps….with or without him. I dream of it being with him. I really do. I’d have no troubles in the dating world. I feel a lot like WSB these days who once mentioned something about feeling as if she gave off a vibe now to men…married or otherwise and was being approached more and more. That dynamic has happened w me. It’s strange but sometimes the attention is just what I need to get through the days and then I cry myself to sleep.
Sorry for my pathetic rambling.
IG- I hear and feel your sentiments about being the old woman on the porch with memories and that’s all. I often joke w my AP about writing my memoirs of our illicit love affair and that it would be a best seller. I’m a sappy romantic at heart. Living in my own chapter of the Bridges of Mafison county. I remember vividly reading that book. I was in high school. I balled my eyes out at the intensity of their forbidden and private love affair. Felt that heartache even then. This is why I believe I am just inherently flawed at relationships and maybe will never find the happiness and contentment I seek. Who knows? I do feel that I now know love. The safe kind, the dangerous kind and everything in between. I wish I knew less. Ignorance is bliss I believe when it comes to matters of the heart. Om and I still in limbo btw and killing each other. It’s maybe what we need to do to finally feel relieved it’s over if and when it is. Thank you all for allowing me the opportunity to vent, share and listen to your words of wisdom. It means more than you could ever imagine
Btw. Apologies for bad typos and spell
Checking courtesy of the iphone😊
Hi all,
I wrote a long post this AM while I was lying awake unable to sleep as usual. It dissappearing it seems so here it goes again and I’ll try to keep it brief this time. Peter, I’m glad you have been having better days. It seems like a little anger and common sense about it all is setting in for you. I hope the positive progress continues and you get to the acceptance phase of the grieving process. It seems impossible but our friends on here tell us it’s not. I trust them. I wanted to comment on your previous “devil’s advocate” post. It’s was really helpful reading your comments especially being a male perspective. He and I could absolutely make things work logistically. We live in very close proximity …our worlds have collided here and there as a result. Not fun. But you know what, your comments made me realize I am just as much of a coward as he is. I guess I always felt he should take the leap first because truly, his life has been a living hell since te first dd. His wife waivers between kicking him out and telling him to go be with me and the next moment saying she will never give him a divorce bc she would rather they live in misery together than have him leave and be with me. So what our true fear may be is That our relationship, in the real world,would be so poisoned and rejected that it would fail and we will have disrupted lives for no reason. It’s a mess for sure. As for my husband, we are so apathetic towards each other, we barely fight. I found myself at times trying to pick knock down drag out fights that would lead to the “maybe this just isn’t working and we should both move on” discussion. He never disagreed with me except to say wouldn’t do that to the kids. His wife had thretened to tell my husband and i barely cares bc i felt it would give me and my OM the chance at a future but i realize that would be the wrong way to start and that im lucky, very lucky that she has not elected to ruin my life. I feel so trapped. Trapped in my marriage. Trapped in a dead end relationship with someone I’d risk it all to be with. He says he would for me…maybe…someday…when the time is right. Ha! It’s BS right? But I want to believe it and need to believe it. We are not doing well at no communication right now. We have mostly been fighting things out though. Who did and gave more? Who hurt who more? Who hates their marriage more? It’s all so trivial I realize and it is making us both miserable but we are having such difficulty closing the door. Perhaps the harsh cold turkey experience that was forced upon you and round and others is the better way in the end. Closure doesnt exist anyway you look at it unless of course we ended up with them and would that even be?? Keep up the positive and rational thinking and keep smacking sense into me. I need it
Here are some inspiring quotes from all of us on this Blog:
While you won’t forget your affair, you will learn to put it into its proper perspective. You’ll see it as merely a chapter of your life and you’ll come to understand that you’re better off without him. ~tvexplorer
Your blog has helped me understand how my exLover had to retreat entirely to save his marriage and yet I can see that he loved me too and suffered at cutting our ties. ~Island Girl
It started out happy, and FUN. Really fun. Then it wasn’t. ~wantsomethingbetter
I had it all covered. Or, so I thought. ~Island Girl
…it will come at a point when you realize that the tremendous amount of pain and despair that you feel far outweighs any slivers of happiness you are trying to grasp at this point in the relationship. ~Snowleopard
Ah yes, that fetal position. I know it well……Climbed into that several times a week for the first few months, but those gut-wrenching, soul gushing cries are waaaaaaay fewer now. ~Island Girl
The thrill of the “secret” died long long ago. ~wantsomethingbetter
The onus is on you to end the relationship. ~Island Girl
When it comes to letting go, everyone in a similar situation has their own breaking point. It may be self-induced, or caused by a spouse’s discovery of the affair, or a combination of both. ~Snowleopard
I have often wondered about how things are going for him, but really agree that No Contact is the only way we are all going to heal and move on in this drama. ~Island Girl
You have to realize that the only person who can make you happy is you. ~Snowleopard
Rationally, I know I need to move on. ~wantsomethingbetter
…have faith, take small steps, know that you are not alone out there. Each day it does get better….. ~Island Girl
So I need to make **the choice***. Choose something different. ~wantsomethingbetter
It’s a bad place to be, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that you won’t have these feelings forever. Time will heal it. ~ tvexplorer
Those that have moved on in one form or another give me hope. ~wantsomethingbetter
TVExplorer is right, in that the feelings do fade somewhat with time. ~Island Girl
We started making plans for a future. Serious plans. But, couldn’t follow through. Mostly he couldn’t. But if push came to shove, I’m not sure how it would work out for me either. ~wantsomethingbetter
It seems we are forever changed by the affair–the lovers, the spouses, and it is a tough slog through grief, healing, redemption if we can find it. ~Island Girl
The calls, emails. gifts, visits … bring me back to square one. ~wantsomethingbetter
…jump, just jump and have faith that it WILL work out. You deserve to be happy, and the murky waters you are swimming in will NOT bring you lasting joy. Put one foot in front of the other. ~Island Girl
It’s not a good situation. Both of us holding on to essentially nothing. ~Wantsomethingbetter
I do know that life is easier with only one man in it. ~Island Girl
I want to make better choices. ~wantsomethingbetter
Keep NOT calling, NOT writing him. One day you will look back and see you have succeeded. ~Island Girl
I can’t stay in the (self created) $#%*storm any longer. ~wantsomethingbetter
…on the “other side” your head begins to clear as if some drug has washed out of your system….Your OM is too weak to cut the cord, my friend, you will have to do this for the two of you. ~Island Girl
Rationally, I know I need to move on. ~wantsomethingbetter
I know you don’t believe it now, but as the months and years tick by, you’ll think less and less about OM. ~tvexplorer
Give up the “drug”. Go clean. Emerge from the soupy swamp your life has become. ~Island Girl
You must learn to let go of this man and move on with your life. I know that you already know that, but it’s the one truth behind all affairs. ~tvexplorer
There was a time that he made me feel on top of the world. That has faded so really, I know I’m hanging onto nothing. ~TryAgain
You are right that you are holding onto NOTHING….He cannot fully meet your needs, and as Snowleopard says, you are worth so much more. ~Island Girl
Affairs are so hurtful to everyone involved. ~tvexplorer
I can promise you, that no matter who ends the relationship, that things WILL get better with time. The pain fades. ~Island Girl
Life is short. There is no time to waste. You are either happy or you’re not. ~tvexplorer
…double lives, two husbands, divided heart, it can make a person nearly crazy. At times it did make me crazy. ~Island Girl
All you can do is deal with the heroin-like addiction of your feelings while forging a new life for yourself. ~tvexplorer
Affairs are bad news. ~Round1
The pain does get better over time. ~Island Girl
Affairs are like a cancer. They slowly eat away at the very foundation of the marriage, which is built on trust and lifelong exclusivity. ~tvexplorer
Lean on trusted friends for support. Count your blessings every day for things that *are* going well in your life (kids, health, roof over your head, etc). There are others out there in much more dire circumstances. ~Snowleopard
Yes, you do have a long road ahead. Your first assignment: get over him. What the two of you once had is no more and never will be again. That is the God’s honest truth. ~tvexplorer
Meditate. Take up new hobbies or projects to help distract yourself. It will get easier each day. Time really does help tremendously. ~Snowleopard
It’s easier saying it than doing it. But time erases the void we feel when we lose someone we care about. ~tvexplorer
During our rituals I would feel some days it was really more work than it’s worth and I didn’t understand how we sustained it…..I would pull away, she would pull me back and vs versa….and so we continued through the rollercoaster. ~Peter
My biggest regret 4 years later is that I put so much time and energy into dissecting the affair and asking if it meant anything. ~tvexplorer
If you truly care about your husband, you need to make sure you never have contact with your ex-lover again. ~tvexplorer
I have to really look at my life and figure out who I am & who I want to be. ~Zoe
If you had an affair, got caught and are now continuing to see your ex-lover, your marriage WILL come to an end soon. It’s as simple as that. You’re treading on thin ice. ~tvexplorer
I am now exploring what I want to do, getting counseling, taking things slowly, aware that time is moving on and if I wish to leave my husband, that it must be with integrity (meaning sans the third person), and timely enough so that he could find new love. ~Island Girl
On the bright side of things, you will learn from this. We all do, and I’d like to think we emerge from affairs wiser and more prepared for what life throws at us. ~tvexplorer
I do feel better compared to last week at this same time… ~Peter
As I said before, he brought me “fire”, and I guess I am learning from that experience that I can have passion–and deserve it–just needs to be from someone who will be available, present, and completely there for me. ~Island Girl
I’m noticing the more I choose to ACT out of love, the more I FEEL love. ~Zoe
Celebrate little victories like each time you wanted to call him but didn’t. ~Snowleopard
I’m not trying to sound harsh, but the rules of post-affair life are absolute. There can be no contact whatsoever. And there can be no friendship with your ex at any level. ~tvexplorer
I had also realized that if I were to put the energy I had spent into all those eMails and texts to my MM and redirect those efforts toward my husband, my marriage likely would have improved significantly. Could it be? That my husband was as starved for attention as I? Yup. ~Island Girl
Start with making the choice. Then take little steps each way, every day. It will be an arduous journey but the destination will be worth every bit of pain you go through. ~Snowleopard
If you still love your husband, please do as TV says, and invest in him. Give up your X. It isn’t too late for you as you both seem to wish it to work. ~Island Girl
You are much, much stronger and resilient than you think you are. ~Snowleopard
We never had to deal with the challenge of everyday living with each other. ~Zoe
As TVExplorer has said elsewhere on this site, one has to stop obsessing/worrying about the Affair Partner and move into repairing the self-damage that has occurred. ~Island Girl
I have good news. It gets better. ~tvexplorer
I was so hungry for the crumbs he threw my way. Finally one of my friends–my staunchest confidante—reminded me that I deserve “the whole enchilada”!!! It was a moment of truth….. ~Island Girl
I think I’m more likely to ACT my way into the feelings. If I wait for a feeling – I may never take action. ~Zoe
…the truth is that affairs bring scant moments of love/happiness followed by pain, loneliness, and sorrow. ~Island Girl
That place of “limbo” was sheer torture for me. Getting on the other side of that has been crucial. There was no moving on for me until it was really over. I feel a huge difference in myself having finally let go. Huge relief. ~Zoe
I was exhausted by living two lives…..now that I’m down to one, it is a little easier. ~Island Girl
Hang in there. This does get better. I promise. ~tvexplorer
It’s easy for me to recognize now that I was mistaking happiness or joy with pleasure. My affair brought me a great deal of pleasure – especially at first – but I can’t say I was truly happy or experiencing any lasting joy. ~Zoe
I could tell as time passed we were both poisoning our ‘real’ relationships in damaging ways… ~Peter
I need to let go. I really do. ~wantsomethingbetter
When you realize you have had enough, take a deep breath, then take the plunge. Yes it will absolutely be hard, no doubt about it. There will be days or moments when you will feel weak. That’s ok, it’s normal. Do whatever it takes not give in to temptation. ~Snowleopard
…tears he will never bring me anything but tears and empty promises. Closing the door. Not leaving a crack. ~TryAgain
Love is an act of the will and has tremendous payoffs. ~Zoe
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and while you may not be alone in this situation (as so many who have come to this site can attest to), you are the only person who can save yourself from this. ~Snowleopard
TV EXplorer is right, we must learn from this and move on…..IT…….IS……..OVER………So take what you can and incorporate the life’s lesson. ~Island Girl
During our rituals I would feel some days it was really more work than it’s worth and I didn’t understand how we sustained it…. ~Peter
After a while I just had to refuse to let myself think about him. I had to get mad at myself. I was just sick of it. Disciplining the mind is crucial, I think. ~Zoe
Looking back, I can see that the affair was an addiction, and much like kicking heroin or any other drug, the first few weeks were tough. you can NOT go back to contacting him (exLover), because it just starts all over again. ~Island Girl
Feel so weak and small. I am going to resist those feelings and just sit with them. Not call. Not write. So hard. Feel very lonely. But really don’t feel better after we talk, see each other, etc. either. ~wantsomethingbetter
What you are feeling is GRIEF…….the LOSS of something you held dearly. Much like losing a relative. But as you and I both know, it was NOT real…..It was fantasy….. ~Island Girl
Make the decision to force yourself to stay committed to getting through the withdrawal period and give your mind other things to focus on. ~Zoe
Funny how your brain can tell you to smarten the fuck up and your heart keeps wanting to run you right back into the pain of it all. ~Peter
There’s no real closure and the healing doesn’t start until you get off the rollercoaster, leave the park and go home. ~Zoe
…tears he will never bring me anything but tears and empty promises. Closing the door. Not leaving a crack. ~TryAgain
I promise you this will get better over time. Please just trust this and step into it. ~Island Girl
You’ve become a shadow of your own self and you feel completely helpless about your future. And that’s just for the present. What will be left of you another year, 3 years, 10 years from now if you continue
with this? ~Snowleopard
We can get through this, singly and together. ~Island Girl
My story is so very similar to bits and pieces of each of yours. TryAgain
I feel that it is never too late to find love in life from an AVAILABLE man. ~Island Girl
It took time, but as long as I didn’t make contact, I got stronger every day. ~Zoe
By most standards, I am an an intelligent, good, kind, hardworking person …. but this has derailed me in a way I never thought imaginable. I’ve grown and learned. But, at what cost? ~wantsomethingbetter
…pull the trigger, strike the final blow…and in a way that leaves no crack in the door as in the past. Where do I find this resolve? Can I? ~Try Again
Going through the withdrawal period was nothing short of torture. ~Zoe
The days are so much better now, i do not think about him all the time. ~round
I realize how futile the whole thing was and what an idiot I have been. I can honestly say I have no desire to see the X anymore and I used to be crazy obsessed. I never thought I would get to this point. ~Zoe
I do feel better compared to last week at this same time…. ~Peter
I know I need to let it go and be the one who closes the door not the other way around because that would be too hard. ~Try Again
It does get better. We promise. ~Island Girl
I cannot forget those times, they are part of my life now. I might put them away , but they are there. Memories made. I am a changed person – and i have learnt so much. ~round
The lesson? Don’t develop a relationship with someone who is not free. ~Island Girl
What started out as fun and really incredible thereafter brought so much pain and suffering. ~wantsomethingbetter
The harsh reality that what we have all done has a deep cost, even if our spouse/significant other agrees to “keep us” following the affair. ~Isand Girl
I need to trust, trust that it will be ok. Look forward. Not back. ~wantsomethingbetter
Life is short, fragile, unexpected, unfair. You can choose to wring your hands and spend each day bemoaning this fact, or you can choose to rise up to the challenge and create something better, stronger and more beautiful for yourself.I truly hope it is the latter because you are absolutely worth the fight. ~Snowleopard
Me sitting and waiting for a magic call that will unravel the universe of clarity didn’t come when we were talking it’s sure as hell isn’t coming while were not talking. ~Peter
The pain is lifting, and that year of my life is evolving into a lesson I can carry forward. ~Island Girl
To all of those out there, if you are thinking of having having an affair, you need to really think things through. ~wantsomethingbetter
Your exposure to the woman with the mission of the orphanage is a message to you that life calls to us to bigger things……..Take that lesson and treasure it. You have purpose and your life has meaning. Reach out and grab that. ~Island Girl
It’s comical to me now how cavalier I was able to be. I’m the one with my head in the sand. I realize that now. ~TryAgain
I’m finally able to focus on my marriage and I’m finally starting to feel whole again. I can’t believe it took me so long to let go. I’m so glad to be on the other side of it. I can’t imagine turning back now. ~Zoe
I am going to fight this. I need to feel better …. ~wantsomethingbetter
…only I am able to create my own happiness, not AP, not my husband, only me……. I am grateful for the people on this blog who encourage me, but ultimately I am my own best support. ~Island Girl
My guess is that your OW is very frightened of what her husband may do if he found out she contacted you. ~TryAgain
Those damned endorphins…..lust and sex are just not enough to sustain the soul It IS your soul you are fighting for. ~Island Girl
I know I need to just go back to my life. ~TryAgain
…all ur current emotions are real, feel them, and work on accepting them, and letting them go and working on a new you. ~Round
Patience. Determination. Persistence. A sense of humor helps as well. You will get there. Be strong. Think of it as a boot camp for your soul. ~Snowleopard
It’s time to move on with my life, pick up the pieces, see where I want to go from here. ~Island Girl
The relationship was going nowhere, but we were comfort food to each other stuck in a loop of nothingness. ~Peter
I did my damage and I am now busy forgiving myself. ~Round
Closure has to come from within…. ~Island Girl
Here’s to re-committing, re-investing and making LOVE more of a VERB than a feeling. More a matter of CHOICE than a matter of chance. ~Zoe
It may sound daunting at first, and it will be incredibly hard. However it will also become one of the most empowering things you will ever earn for yourself, especially when you make the conscious choice to leave a very unhealthy situation. ~Snowleopard
I am committed to a new life, without the craziness and stress of an affair–a pointless, energy-sucking, non-nourishing, not-getting-him-in-the-end relationship. ~Island Girl
I think I just need to let time do it’s thing…. ~Peter
…let it go, friend… ~Island Girl
…yes I need to start picking up the pieces. I figure the best revenge I can have is to live my life as best I can. ~Peter
Wow Zoe!!! I believe we have been at this for about six weeks or so. Collectively a wisdom is emerging. Thank you for extracting the pithy, pertinent comments. That must have taken quite some time. I believe I will print this out and review it often….kind of like the Desiderata isn’t it? A song of passion, pain, yet hope and re-emergence. I have benefitted greatly from the experience and advice of each of you. What a gift to have you listening and adding your wisdom. We are each so different but the theme is the same. I look forward to learning more. You are each in my heart and thoughts.
I did want to give a call out to Zoe, who is facing an event on the 20th. I will hold you especially close in my heart as you face your Ex this next week. I worry about Wantsomethingbetter who is buried in her work, try again who must decide whether to release her lover, Peter who is freshly in the post D-Day phase. I remember the gutrenching anguish of the early days when my lover was ripped from my life. Round I feel for you as well as you are continually exposed to your ex and his vitriolic wife, and Jill whose life is instructive to me–I realize that a longer relationship carries more pain and withdrawal, even though I had always wished for more time with my AP.
Yup, thanks for being there, and to all those who simply pass through and read, thank you for caring at a distance….
IG
Test. My posts are not posting frustrating
When I was finally able to log on, I couldn’t believe the amount of activity. Was very comforting to have so much to read.
Zoe – You have your big meeting in a few days. I am thinking of you. Thanks for compiling the quotes. What a wild ride this can be. Well, if Lehigh can bring down Duke, you too can get thruogh what will undoubtedly be a test. I don’t envy you, but I am proud of you and know you will be fine. I know what you mean about the anger. I’ve been feeling that A LOT. Just put your head down and get through your meetings. Please report back. I am thinking of you.
All others — so much to read and respond to …. will write soon.
WSB
Hey there IG, it’s been a while. I’ve flown half way around the world and back. Did it help? Not sure. Every so often I have a melt down of sorts. Nearly lose it completely. Sat up on the roof deck of the ski lodge and just cried. But, I am trying to move on. One thing I’ve not written is how much I related to your take on OM’s grammar. I so get that. I remember all of the times he’d wish, want, hope. Never or rarely did he say I am going to … I can’t wait until. And so much was in the past tense too. I’d call him on it but to no avail. Not sure he even got it. Though as he wrote me a lot, it was a real insight into his soul, what he was really thinking. Where is head was. Would love to read your short story on the topic … very clever. I’m doing ok about 50 perecent to the time. Which is an improvement. I am channelling snow leopard … such wisdom. I’m not making great choices these days. Found a few “not so healthy” distractions … but I am trying to stay focused. Staying on top of work, working out, seeing friends, caring for my kids. Want to get to a better place. My husband is good. Maybe too good for broken messed up me.
Peter, I’ve been reading your posts too. I had to stop when you wrote “Funny thing was I had to remind myself of all the times I tried convincing her we should end it.” I felt the same way many times. So tired of the games. Vacations. Family events. Waiting. He chased me for years. So how did I end up holding the bag when he couldn’t do it. Choose me I guess. Who knows. IG – need to find that post by Susan about what can happen when you get everything you ask for …. and then it doesn’t go as planned.
Try Again — your post broke my heart .. I related to so much of what you said ….
He had many opportunities to leave but he would not. I know that if he did, I would have but we were both too scared so the love was not enough and as a ” good girl” which I always liked to believe I was, I now feel used and discarded if this ends. Its lamost my excuse to keep it going…so I dont have to feel as if I this was all just a black mark on my resume. In my professional and social circles I am so together and confident yet I hang in the balances of a person I love so deeply and just wait to get thrown a scrap. I truly hate myself when I look deep.
My guy still emails me though we are at a very sad sad point where there’s not much left to say. He tells me he will love me forever. That he will never get over me. But, he will do NOTHING about it. I would have. Maybe not now but if I’m honest, I would have tried. I wonder if it’s partially because by “getting him” I would somehow be validated. Not be the dirt bag who screwed around and got dumped.
Want to write him so bad, I could scream. Snowleopard, I am giving this my all. Feel like a weak junkie. could use some soothing words. Trying to do right by myself and others. Boot camp is so darned hard. But as my sould lays in the balance, I am holding on.
Tryagain, I know very much how you feel. It’s been two weeks since D-day for me and unlike you however I have had zero contact from my OW. I feel very much abandoned, its tough and I’ve had good days where I tell myself it’s for the best and then later that same day I’m just crashing trying to understand how she could be so rude with these actions. Many people tell me that even if she did contact me again it wouldn’t help anyway I believe that to be true but I still want it. Validation right ? I just want to hear her tell me that it was real but that her ‘life’ combined is what she needs to stay with. I just woke up and true to form I come to the computer and my phone looking for any trace of her, even though it’s a Sunday which was a no comminication day for us. What makes it even worse is I just had a sad dream, going through a maze like place I finally come across her and she doesn’t know me…..grrrrrrrrrrr…
Then last night I read about Hysterical Bonding, so I’m picturing all the engery that D-day gave them as a couple and now doing it like rabbits. Pisses me right off, and I’m left to my own thoughts….I’m guessing that she only told him a watered down version of us, but even that would be a huge weight off of her, and I wonder if she feels like a truthful little homemaker again. I could confess too and then maybe I’ll do some hysterical bonding of my own…..
Your not alone Tryagain that’s my point, spiritually I’m with you….he’s told you he’s going to nothing, it’s probably the most honest thing he’s ever said. It’s hard not to beat yourself up for wanting the forbbin fruit and there is nothing you can do to change how you feel right now. I’m two weeks of NC and still want her, so right now I’m hanging tough and letting time do it’s thing. I could contact her, even if her hubby has probably got monitoring on everything now…..but I’m choosing not to…my theory is, if she can’t figure out a way to contact me, then she’s being very clear on her intent and showing me (without words) what I really mean’t….I am not the priority…that in itself actually will help in time get over her.
Wish I could help more, I’m in alot of pain too.
Peter, you wrote a few posts ago something that a friend has also told me …. that I am not in a position to be with my OM. Not really. I +++say++++ I am but really, being married, I am not. But, somehow it feels different. I am willing to be. But alas it is a big cop out. Like you said, if I was willing to go for it maybe it would be different. As pathetic as it sounds, I don’t really want to just date. I would want to try things with my guy. He has unequivocally stated it will not be and seems to dig in harder and harder … though he also declares his undying love and other BS. But., we’ve not talked in about a week … not seen him in forever. So sad
wantsomethingbetter, I too could be with her….that’s what I’m actually wrestling with right now. Her choice was for the longest time that divorce wasn’t an option, she expressed how she loved where she lived and her lifestyle as it is. Over the past few months her attitude changed and she more and more started txting me telling me how she wished we could be together. Thoughts of her divorcing him were becoming strong, it was becoming obvious that my influence on her confidence was having her go in a completely different direction that I was used to from her. I couldn’t understand how she (or anyone for that matter) would let their lives be dominated by such needy controlling people. It scared me in truth, as I was coming out of fantasy realm of YES WE COULD BE, she was actually escalating it from her side. I know your story may be different in that the distance between you makes actually makes it possible. For me right here and now I can leave my wife but I will not move away from my children why they are still young. If my AP was withing a reasonable distance that we both could somehow make it work…..I would take the chance, jump off the bridge so to speak first. My absolute goal would not be to just start dating, my goal would be to show her that it is possible to do it and live. Over time as many divorces I still would be unavaialbe to really commit to anyone else, but the symbol of what I would be doing through the time of ongoing divorce would allow me to see her true colors……if she chose him, then yes I would escalate the ante by dating. The risk to her is that she really could loose me….and doing nothing would doom us….but at least I would know.
Now that may seem like one hell of a test, from which I could miserably fail but my thought process is that I have already failed. By entering into this drama it’s really no win, and sitting on a fence well…..to me that’s purgatory. I’ve lived my whole adult life as a procrastinator of sorts, more worried about making right choices. When I was young the right choice was whatever my heart wanted…..and like so many of the young I failed a ton of times……but I was never afraid to get up and try again.
Towards D-day for me my AP and I had back and fourth ZEN days….sometimes I was zen others it was her….when she was zen I felt like she was distant, giving up….no beliving in our fantasy world. On those days I fought for her to stop sitting on the fence to help me make a ‘plan’. She would never make plans, instead randomly she would have a fight with her hubby and the fight would escalate things FAST….surprisingly this would snap me out of my fantasy life and then the logical side of my brain would kick in an pull away, knowing that yes I ultimately wanted it to happen but the timing wasn’t great. I’d feel bad knowing that if she continued I couldn’t just pick up and come to the rescue, she would be essentially ALONE. So I would enter my ZEN state pull back and try to talk her into reality. It would also be a time when I would mention to her that we we’re living in a dream world…..my talk would of course bring her crashing down.
This is how the cycle repeated itself……he is in a ZEN state, you are not….and while you both continue to not leap that is how it will continue, that is how it will suck the life out of both of you and that is what will ultimately kill it….but it will be a slow painful demise.
If it’s possible to do (and by possible I mean really possible) and you really want to do, screw society….do it intiate the divorce and take the chance……make no mistake it is a chance, but in my mind no risk = no reward.
My internal fight with myself is the same, I have no idea my AP’s current state of mind or what I mean’t to her. Is she having hysterical bonding time with her H? Is she coming out of our ‘fog’ or did she shake out of it d-day weekend…..So here I am left with a delima of my own…..do I try to rebuild my feelings for my wife or do I wait and see…..or do I take the chance in the future with a slim hope that after the bullshit settles and my kids get a couple more years age….that my AP and her hubby still have a shitty marriage and I will show her the way ???
Life is fucking crazy……dwelling on what they’re thinking is the worst of the worst….I’m working to control my thoughts and trying hard not to think about what SHE is thinking that’s the key.
Ok enough of my rambling.
Oh Peter, I so recognize the anguish you are feeling right now. While my AP had only just started considering a change in partners (and I can never be too sure of how serious he was…..he had told me to “be patient”), he gave me the _best_ advice in one of the few messages he could get out to me: he told me not to do anything “drastic”–by that I presume he had meant to avoid disclosing to my husband what had happened, and he was likely gently telling me it was over….By my “going to ground” and NOT “pulling the trigger” with my spouse, by just waiting, I have inflicted far less damage to my husband. Still don’t know the outcome of this on my marriage, and yes, I watch the secret eMail from time to time, but I KNOW it is over in my head. The heart is slow to catch up. Please understand Peter that it IS better than when DDay hit.
I am sorry for you that your emotional affair is over. I hear your dreams and wishes. I can’t imagine trying to plan a future with someone geographically distant. It was hard enough with my lover being in the same city. And I believe i heard that the two of you never met face to face. That does not make your feelings any less valid. Keep rambling, keep posting.
IG
Dear Wantsomethingbetter: hang in there. I wish Snowleopard would materialize for you as well….such wisdom and placidity. Your man may be professing undying love, but “it is not to be” sounds like horrible terms. You know what Snowleopard would say……one week of no contact could stretch into two, then three…..it does get easier…..
Zoe, you are in my thoughts. Let us know how you are doing and how the event went. I am still re-reading your synopsis…….
IG
Hi All- seems my posts have hit finally. I was losing my mind and there is not much left of it to lose:). Where to start! Zoe, your summation of quotes was excellent. WSB- I’m in the same exact boat as you right now…somewhat He and I are still in communication though “technically” we ended it. I’m hanging onto his words and sentiments of always loving me, dying inside etc and he even had the nerve to recently drag me into yet another one of his blow up fights w her telling me they were living independently, just together for the kids and he could possibly start to give me more of the attention I was always seeking but he could never give bc of her manipulative and controlling ways. So I entertained it and started to let my guard down and then this weekend he was Off playing happy family to the extreme and basically ignored me like I was the plague. An occasional apologetic text. All Bs. He’s a narcissist I believe and maybe he just like knowing I will still sit there and stare at my phone…waiting…like a stupid fool. So sick.
Peter- the final months of your ordeal sound eerily similar to mine. The push/pull phenomena. We drove each orher’s fantasy world depending on what was going on at home. Pushed each other away when we got scared. Pulled back when we needed each other and hated them etc etc. so vicious at times. I have been a very jealous and resentful person and downright cruel at times criticizing him and how he allows his life to be handled for him like a puppet on marionnete strings. I was not very loving, accepting or understanding and I realize I cannot be anymore so that is why this has to end…along with a gazilkion other reasons. I can’t keep making excuses for and apologizing for the raw emotions this brings out in me. Nor can I listen to his cop outs and excuses either. It’s such a mess. I’m so close to letting go completely but scared to death of no contact. You are right Peter. She could find a way to at least reach out but she has not. As for the hyper physical re-Bonding. I doubt that is happening just yet and if it is, take it from me, there is no enjoyment in it. I dipped my toes in those waters one time previously when he and I ended things for a bit and I cannot begin to describe the sheer horror ad self loathing I felt. My in attentive husband didn’t recognize this of course, I turned my head and cried. He had no clue. My AP’s wife forced that agenda on him after his first d-day. Planning overnight hotel dates…the works. He tells me it was unproductive or that he had to think of me. That was the WRONG thing to say. Who knows how he is though w her? Sadly, I obsess over truly being able to be that “fly on the wall”. I think if we all had the chance to really see into their other worlds, closure would be a piece of cake bc we may just see that all is not so bad and that we were used just as we used them. I keep telling myself I did use him but I don’t believe I did at the same level he did. But trying to convince myself I ws in control helps…for a moment.
Ugh, rambling. Sorry. I need to ignore the next text, call, email. I know I do. But it breaks my heart to be that cruel. We tried amicable endings, angry and irate ending…neither stick completely. So maybe just fade away with no more discussion ending is the way. Really there is nothing left to say. We have said and done all that we were destined for in this dead end relationship. Hang strong everyone! Zoe, IG and all the veterans…Keep us strong. Peter and WSb- you two are the example I need to follow now and catch up to. I’m losing the race to sanity and clarity. Need to smarten up and quick
Wow awesome posts everyone, I read and re-read a few of them to let words sink in. It’s funny how something I write in the morning or the day earlier is not the same how I could be feeling 8 hrs later
I truly believe the people posting here believe we are the more giving in our sorted affairs. I don’t know how many times when I was pushing away and feeling ‘zen’ and she was pulling me back I felt most at peace with it. I think having the other person chase or persue was what it really boiled down to. It essentially was a constant test of their loyalty is another way to think of it. Without sounding like a revengfull prick hell bent on destorying everything, her and I did eventually meet I traveled to her….right now my train of thought is that she watered down the story. Since her H was polite I’m really guessing she omited how we really met ‘online’ and probably drastically shortened the timeline and definately omited our week of afternoons spent together. So again I really really do understand that we couldn’t keep going, we could never take it the same level it was prior to D-day….and so I can be thankful for it to some degree. What I don’t like is how my warped logic is thinking that she hasn’t contacted me for sheer guilt of throwing me under the bus (I should note that I was actually going to travel to her 2 days post d-day and planned to spend a week close by). Her last voicemail to me was to tell me her H was on to us (as in our communications)….she was in panic but still begged me to still come. The last words from her were “I hope you still please come, I will find a way from some phone somewhere to get in contact with you”…….I’m fairly certain she knew I would call off the trip. So back to my point, no contact except from H asking me to stop….Again my warped thinking is that she villified me to him (I get that, why not)….where it bothers me is if she’s fucked up enough to believe her own lie. I’ve always felt I loved her more, I gave more…..that’s my nature. In my life being the giving person I always end up getting burned, but I’ve been waiting and wondering what her H really knows….if he knew more why hasn’t he tried more contact at least with my wife ? So ya my closure is I get about throwing me under the bus but at least give me one last flipping call to tell me exactly what he thinks he knows….otherwise what live my life waiting for a maybe bomb to go off……That’s just plain insensitive and criminal in my mind, I’d love for her to know that maybe I’ll take every single voicemail (which I saved on my computer) and send them ALL to her H….how would she feel knowing I could still drop a bomb on her ?? I bet she’d call if she knew what I’m thinking now hmmmm…….it’s like two countries each with nuclear weapons….you even think about firing yours and I’ll nuke ya back big time…….
Like I said I have no idea how it really went down, but her lack of contact and the insenstive nature that surrounds it is my greatest anguish. Choose your family I get it !!! But do it with compasion, common sense, and mutal respect. Tomorrow is Monday, which would be a contact day so ya I’ll count another day waiting…..I’m not holding my breath I promise, but like I said before it’s good…..I don’t want to be with someone who’s insensitive to me on any level so everyday of no contact from her actually makes me stronger.
Hell maybe in a few months maybe the voicemail should go back her
since he’s watching the email account he’d get them too for his overwhelmed listening pleasure lol OPPPS….well how did I know, after all you never told me what was going on after words, thought he knew everything LMAO…
Take that last part with tounge in cheek giggle, it’s fun to vent on how to get revenge for being hurt. But I’m a bigger person than that unless really provoked
Oh I want to add….part of the jaded thing I have is, I did try to end it….she would sometimes go along with it agreeing. Just a few days earlier we even had a discussion where she said she would NEVER say goodbye…..too me this is just a loop hole now with no contact from her.
So to everyone else out there, if your AP is being honest with you and saying never….I would trade spots with you in a heart beat at least to me it’s a honest answer. And my advice is that if you get a direct answer take it…use it and stop trying to make them love you more than they’re able to. I read on here that it’s more of them choosing their present life as a package rather than choosing one person over another, that is VERY true. In today’s society things own us more than we own them…..believe IT !
What’s that Tolstoy novel starter — Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Though I often wonder if anyone is really happy, we have all gotten wrapped up in events that are so highly personal to each of us … unique human experiences. Though there is a sad common denominator — the pain we feel. Even for those still in the relationships, there is so much suffering. I see it in nearly every entry I’ve read … and like IG, I’ve read a lot. We all sound so tragically the same: We loved other who needed love, and we ourselves needed love — but the affair road was ultimately a dead end. I’ve not come across a single post of anyone who found peace and happiness in the end through their affair. The loss of confidence, anxiety, depression, saddness. I relate to all of you who write here.
Peter, you sound so conflicted. Though I’ve tried to pull apart your entries, seems like there’s a bit of “I want her to want me but I am not sure I can really commit to her in the end.” e.g — I fought for her to stop sitting on the fence to help me make a ‘plan’. She would never make plans, instead randomly she would have a fight with her hubby and the fight would escalate things FAST….surprisingly this would snap me out of my fantasy life and then the logical side of my brain would kick in an pull away, knowing that yes I ultimately wanted it to happen but the timing wasn’t great. I’d feel bad knowing that if she continued I couldn’t just pick up and come to the rescue, she would be essentially ALONE. So I would enter my ZEN state pull back and try to talk her into reality. It would also be a time when I would mention to her that we we’re living in a dream world…..my talk would of course bring her crashing down. Oh, the push and pull. Seems like a bit of a test of will. Your girl seems tired … worn out … maybe she thinks in her heart — you will never leave. Why? Because (just like me) you are still married.
In the end, the simplest answer is probably the right one. Being married, you can only dip your toe in the pool. You can SAY every romanticly intense thought on your mind … you can make all sorts of promises … but it’s not real. There’s no commitment. While I don’t think it’s complete fantasy, there is no foundation for a genuine and caring relationship. And, the crazy phyiscal and emotional connection seems to fog/distort/complicate everything. At least it did for me. Though I do adore OM.
So I sit here filled with anxiety … Try Again, you and I are sort of sisters on the timeline though you might be a tincy bit behind … though my guy told me last night he’d love me forever ….
Peter- I can relate very much to your feelings of revenge. I always worry and really I know that he must have told his w a very watered down version of our story. If she knew even a fraction of the truth, I fail to see how she Could spend another waking moment in his presence. I have deleted every email, text and voicemail we ever shared so I’d never have the hard evidence to drop a bomb (and believe me I’d thought of it many times) but I have written some therapeutic and very detailed emails that would leave no room to question whether there was a very intense relationship. I know many details about her life and the email bomb I could drop about her whereabouts or where she thought her husband was when he was really w me would crush her. I’ve never sent these and I know I never will but writing the drafts helps me sort out my anger and vent sometimes. If she ever confronts me, that would be a different story. I’d have a hard time taking a beating as the evil wench that sought out her husband. Ha! I think it was IG who feels her OM was not a first time cheater and was out “trolling”. I have always felt the same thing. He says just a one night stand w an ex when he first was married but I’m not sure I believe that. It was too easy for him to approach me and go down this road. At the time, I wanted to believe it was just love at first sight, souls mates. Maybe it wasn’t. It did become love for sure though. I know he loved and cared for me and fought to keeP me and even risked much by coming back after getting caught 2x. I think our affair has sPiced uP his marriage in many ways. They were apathetic before now everyday is a conversation about their relationship etc. it has been such a hard triangle to be a part of. Draining. One-sided. I’m a broken record.
But I digress. Would revenge and bomb dropping be sweet? Absolutely….at least for a fleeting moment. She must have extreme trust in you though Peter bc even with that possibility looming, she has held fast and resisted contact. I imagine perhaps he has threatened to contact your wife and she is
Another one of the problems with what we do, isn’t it. The fear of having your life blown up. Revenge is a dish best served up cold … if at all. Try Again, his wife GETs it. He was with you. His wife ++ knows ++ … few women are THAT clueless. I am sure he was distant, detached from her, moody. She gets to have him now, but she stuck knows he gave his heart and passion to you. She knows she may never get that, and probably craves that the most. Peter, your situation is more complicated. Sounds like your girl is suffering. I tried to end contact w my guy so many times. Nearly crushed me … I am not even able to really do it now. So pathetic. But, as it’s been said before, I am holding on to nothing. Need to find my way … just wish it wasn’t so darned painful.
WSB- you are right about the path of revenge not being the right way. I suppose I’ve inflicted enough pain. My anger is really more towards him and the lies I know he has told/tells to keep things afloat. He is very skilled at self preservation and would I have anything to gain by hurting his wife/family more? No. Yet, my jealousy often makes me irrational and I’m sure I despise her unnecessarily. After all, I only get the picture of who she is from the person trying to convince me that this cake and eating it too thing is a-ok. That said, I do believe his wife does not truly get it and thinks we had an emotional connection and perhaps just one physical interaction. Wow, the real statistics may actually send her to her grave and I don’t want that blood on my hands. Clearly he is a good liar. This is what causes me the most hurt and anger. If my husband discovered this, I’m certain I’d fail miserably at downplaying my true involvement. I’d certainly spare unnecessary details but we would never recover. So add the insecurity that they may just be more connected than he lets on to my list of insecurities…..to recover from this they’d have to be right? Maybe Zoe can shed more light on this topic since her husband knows everything and how did they pick up the pieces.
Peter, I was thinking a bit more about your situation. I think you mentioned once that you had been instrumental in changes in your OW’s life….pursuing her career again etc. I am making an assumption that perhaps she stays home w kids now. I’d imagine that adds another level of fear towards ending things. This is not a factor in my decision at all and in fact, such a relief to know that no matter what, I can continue financially independent and maintain the life I currently lead with or without a husband. If I’m not mistaken, this seems to be the same for IG, WSB and Zoe. Having a career and that type of independence makes it less daunting. Again, I’m making assumptions that maybe your OW is not there currently. I could be wrong. I know many friend who are very unhappy in their marriages but they gave up their careers for marriage and kids and I know they feel very trapped. Anyway, today was a better day. His actions this weekend of silence spoke a thousand words. And so the day has been wrought with excuse making texts and apologies which I’m blowing off. Hope everyone else is having a beautiful Monday! Spring is in the air. New beginnings!!
Hi…
Checking in before my big night tomorrow. I will be attending a “Gala” for a company that all three of us work with. The X, my husband and I will be together at the same event. I can’t even fathom it. I have no idea what to say about it. What I do know is that after all that my husband has been through, he needs to be my primary focus tomorrow. I hope to be present to him and what he needs in this awkward social situation. I pray for grace.
Also – March 22 is the anniversary of meeting my X. Exactly a year ago this week was when it all started. Lot’s of thoughts and feelings coming up – but not the same old longing or irrational desire to re-connect. Those feelings have receded considerably, thankfully. I don’t believe that relationship ever could have worked and I don’t kid myself about it any more.
I’m still working on this project at work with my husband which has been a saving grace. We have one more week on it. It has brought us so much closer to each other The work is going so well we are getting to experience why we are so good together. I’m so much happier and more grounded these days. He commented yesterday that he can feel me “liking” him again. He feels me enjoying his company. It makes me realize how distracted i had let myself become. I really am liking being with my husband and I’m learning that the more I invest in him and in doing things that benefit the relationship – the better it gets between us and the happier we both are. It seems so obvious but when put into practice the payoffs are extraordinary. I think It just takes a will to do it.
Send me good vibes for tomorrow night, ok?
Love,
~Zoe
One more thing…
Today also happens to be the anniversary of the death of a dear friend and colleague of mine who passed away a year ago today. Needless to say there was a lot going on for me when I met my X.
Below is a poem that this friend of mine had shared with me. I think he’d want me to share it with all of you.
Wait by Galway Kinnell
Wait, for now.
Distrust everything, if you have to.
But trust the hours. Haven’t they
carried you everywhere, up to now?
Personal events will become interesting again.
Hair will become interesting.
Pain will become interesting.
Buds that open out of season will become lovely again.
Second-hand gloves will become lovely again,
their memories are what give them
the need for other hands. And the desolation
of lovers is the same: that enormous emptiness
carved out of such tiny beings as we are
asks to be filled; the need
for the new love is faithfulness to the old.
Wait.
Don’t go too early.
You’re tired. But everyone’s tired.
But no one is tired enough.
Only wait a while and listen.
Music of hair,
Music of pain,
music of looms weaving all our loves again.
Be there to hear it, it will be the only time,
most of all to hear,
the flute of your whole existence,
rehearsed by the sorrows, play itself into total exhaustion.
WSB – I am conflicted, you are 100% dead on in your assement. Win loose or draw, I was always conflicted with what to do…..you are right in your overall assesement. Afairs cause all kinds of personal conflicts depending on the day….right now mine is me self analyzing what the hell was I doing ? how could I not see this was a fantasy to this other person. The signs are becoming more clear to me each day of NC with her. So my conflict in my current mindset isn’t what future could her and I have, it’s how could she project such strong feelings yet be able resist closure…..it baffles me….I could not do that I would follow through something like that and at least say goodbye. When NC first happened I wanted to know all the details, then surprisingly as time has went on I don’t care about the details. I want to know why she LET him call me it should of been her !! I want to know what she told him…..and the biggest question all us kicked in the face ex lovers want to know……did WE really have a connection ? The answer to the last one can NEVER be words, the only way we know is though actions or lack there of…..her lack of compasion for my feelings and for her own self preservation are true colors…..
….we were talking about our homes and if we should renovate or upgrade. Both of us are content with our homes but mine for example needs a basement reno for extra space for an extra bedroom etc. My wife would just like us to build a new home, I used to want a brand new custom built home but hey I owe almost nothing on my current home and we redid everything to it except the basement. He said to me ‘at some point we just need to be happy with what we already have’….funny how a statement in something totally unrelated rings true in my secret life as well. Still doesn’t help how do we let go….we want answers or is it we want different answers 
Here is the comon denominator, how do you let go…..even bashed on the head we have a problem letting go. Looking for validation for what we want and wondering why we can’t have it. A buddy of mine came over on the weekend for a morning coffee, we were not talking about affairs
Another day of NC……someone get me a timemachine please.
Just noticed your post Zoe, best of luck getting through your event. I don’t think I could handle it…..I would loose it. And your husband sounds like one of the most patient people. It’s awesome that you’re reconnecting, I too have felt that I’m perhaps judging my wife too harsh, perhaps given time the tables will turn me back to path of a commitment being content without regret.
Again I hope your able to stay strong and things keep looking up for you.
Peter, you may never get the answers you seek, but my sense is that maybe she just couldn’t call you herself. I once almost had a good friend call OM to tell him not to call me as I just couldn’t bring myself to do it … to say the words. Any contact with OM overwhelms me in a way words cannot adequately explain. Truthfully, I didn’t want to tell him – I didn’t want it to end. He just made me pull the trigger. He was sort of happy with the status quo in some ways, though he was miserable too a lot of the time.
I am only now coming to accept the truth. That the affair was making me very sad. A future involved a commitment he was unable to make. Neither of us were single. The time has come for me to decide what I want and not just wait for someone to “choose me.” If I want him, then I will divorce and find him. It will work or it won’t.
Though I’ve read the literature, and believe me I’ve read exhautstively, people rarely are able to find the “right” way to end an affair. Oh you can read that you should send a casual text ending it; asking for NC; telling the person “firmly” that it is over. TV wrote (somewhat argumentatively) that firm words and NC were the way to do it. But who really is able to do that?
I sense in you some anger and … maybe a bruised ego? (said gently as your friend).
I couldn’t. By the posts here, not many are not many who can. The affair, and particularly the aftermath, is a @#$% storm for all involved. Affairs are rarely a black and white affair: they are messy, emotional, and difficult to end. It’s taken me an exceedingly long (think years) for me to get to a point where I am strong enough to try to end it. I’ve even changed jobs. Yeah, sad isn’t it. Try Again seems to be a bit better off, but I know what she is feeling. Jill has been with OM for 14 years. Some of her needs are being met I suppose, otherwise why stay? Love, sex, attraction …. they are powerful forces.
You say that “we need to be happy with what we have.” But, you may be missing the point. It is probably too soon to really focus on these issues. You are still raw and bruised. But, you are in some sort of “limbo.” You are plainly unhappy with your marriage. But, it may be time to focus on that.
( see — Her and I are a good team, we had a plan and we have goals….but somewhere in there I decided that I don’t like living with someone who acts like she’s 95. My wife’s personality is very blah….which is funny, cause when we we’re younger she was exciting and fun and outgoing. I used to try to romance her and be playful and show her affection, she blew me off lots and really made me feel like our sex life was something she just had to do. Fast forward to today she wants the old me back cause she knows I’m in a mid-life crisis shift of some kind…..but I’m a bitter now and don’t want to be playful with her. I’m needy and I know it, I want what I put in to come back out….and no matter who it’s with if I don’t get that ……it’s doomed to have me feeling the same way…….rinse repeat)
So I ask you are you working on your marriage or just saying you want to try to accept it for what it is … count your blessings etc? My time with OM was not about working on my marriage. It was more about getting out of my marraige; curing boredom; pleasure — but it was certainly not about improving my relationship at home. When is the last time that you were actually present with your wife? Went out. Vacationed. Focused the type of energy on her that you did on OW. For me it’s very hard as I fear that I am becoming a bit of a junkie for “the new” … what spouse can EVER compete with that.
Peter, you can’t have your girl because you are married. It is that simiple. Men in my experience have a very hard time leaving their spouses. From my further experience, I have found that most men I meet are all too happy to have a plus one …. it really kind of blows my mind … is anyone really faithful. Have we set up ourselves to fail with monogany … is marriage as we define it BS? Sorry, I digress.
Ok, Peter, I know that you are hurting. I am sending you a big hug. But I believe this to be true: cut your OW a little bit of slack. What you had was real. She cared about you. She is trying to put her life together. It is not easy for you. It is not easy for her. Focus on things that make you feel calm and find peace for now. The answers will come. You need more time.
That is why I am really taking Snowleopard’s advice to heart. My current behavior and activities really weren’t making me feel good. For nearly my whole life I’ve lived by an honest and simple code. People actually envied my marriage and my life. Personal events I think triggered something in me that caused me to become reckless and destructive. It’s hard to put that genie back in the bottle. It’s not as fun at times to focus on the house, kids, homework … regular stuff. But, it is important. I don’t want it miss it either.
Snowleopard: I am grateful to you. There has been no great epiphany but I am taking your words to heart. I realize “I have had enough.” While I care for OM, the pain and despair outweigh the slivers of happiness I am trying to grasp. Whether or not what we shared was real, which I believe it was, I don’t like being the girl friend or the OW. I want it all. I don’t like being a secret. I want a person to love me completely. I need to determine if I can give that to my husband and he can give it to me. While I am weak, and have had moments where I’ve completely given in to my desire to contact him (in which he has again told me that loves me), I have found firmer footing. I am actually having moments of peace. I’ve lived with so much anxiety and turbulance, it is hard to undue the damage – both physical and emotional. But, I focused and walking forward. I have support systems which make me stronger. You have made me stronger. I don’t know where you came from, but thank you.
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
IG and others: I could use your advice: I feel like I am looking into a huge vacuum. While I am no longer a complete emotional wreck, I feel fragile and rather emotional. I feel like I have this huge void in my life. Years (yes years) of doing this has made me more accustomed to living with 2 men than one. I find myself looking to fill the needs that OM filled and really feeling all a bit lost. It’s different than before. I’m not wanting or looking for him to come back (at leasat not all of the time). I am strangely lonely. And this is such a lonely journey as I have no one here to verbally talk to about the issues. IG, are there things that have brought you peace. While myhusband is a very kind and good person, there are just needs he doesn’t seem to fully meet. Not sure any one person can so it’s not really a statement against him. I just feel restless, edgy, and like I am missing something. It’s all so hard because at the core of my relationship with OM we spent hours and hours communicating. About everything. Best friends. Could talk for hours and hours like teenagers or all day if we had the chance. I miss THAT. The connection. Don’t know that I’ve had it with anyone else. He understood me and challenged me in ways I’d not been before. He was far from perfect, and we had our issues, but he understood me. What are some healthy and productive ways to fill such a void?
Zoe — in 24-48 hours the conference/gala will be over. Hang in there. Sometimes you just have to power though …. sending you lots of positive energy … be strong!
Hello to everyone…wow! so much energy and good work going on….Honesty, pain, and I see genuine caring for each other…..I have returned from a second conference and am struggling to get back into the work groove. I am watching and thinking of all of us. This blog has been amazing. We are NOT alone….This affair thing seems to be part of the “human condition”, and we are NOT bad people, just people that got caught up in fantasies–and then the fantasy died……
Zoe: so much swirling around your next few days. You are in my thoughts for so many reasons: now I understand the “anniversary reaction” you are having: meeting the OM, the loss of someone dear. It seems you were primed for this to happen .
I was easy prey to my own MM, as I was under significant stress at work, a dear friend had died, and there were family issues, plus my husband’s workaholism and simple trust that I would “always be there”……Yup, having a man pay attention to me, romance me (online at first), touch me softly, and look at me with longing, was wonderful, but what a cost!!!!
I continue to say that time makes this easier. One also has to re-engage in “life”, through (re)-connecting with friends. This last weekend, I went out for dinner and drinks with friends/acquaintances on St Pat’s day. Just kicking back and enjoying the moment helped immensely, as I had been surrounded by reminders of OM–no, he and I had never been to this convention city before–in fact we didn’t venture more than a couple hours from home base–but I would have loved to have him with me.
On my return, I found my husband had done many of the chores I usually do, without complaint. He is a good man, and while the passion is still far away, there is no compelling reason to stir things up right now. I like him, and am trying to interact with him more. Nope, not the touch, the look, the same adult conversation, but still pleasant. I need to make that jump into DECIDING to love him. Or not. But I have to say, wantsomethingbetter, that the “void” you feel–and I know it well–gets filled by “the universe” in ways that will surprise you: A friend’s husband has developed cancer, my mother has new health problems, an experience at work, all remind me that life goes on….that’s it: life….goes…..on…..and we must choose how we go on. And it isn’t all bad: my daughter has taken to calling me more, the flowers are blooming now, I got to hold a friend’s grandson and feel the new life. Yes, I miss all the things about my OM, and ache for those moments of passion, conversation, the feelings of time standing still in his arms, but other events are happening now and new memories are forming.
The memories of him will not go away, but they will join what preceded him and what follows.
I am also mulling the divorce and striking out in search of these remarkable feelings of love and romance again, but know that first I must work on myself so that I can successfully attract someone and keep the flame burning. I don’t want to go through this pain again. Staying in the marriage for now is the right thing to do for now while I finish this grieving process (and I am reminded that Zoe said that she eventually just got tired of the whole thing–I am approaching that point). Who knows? my husband just might morph into the very man I seek–and per snowleopard, he wouldn’t have to change, only I would change. You see, it only takes one person to transform a relationship……truly.
Enough rambling for now! You are ALL in my thoughts. Stay well. Keep posting.
IG
Oops, I have reflected on my last comment about “one person” and wish to revise it to say that one person can start the transformation of a relationship; as we ALL know, it takes two people working on the marriage to keep it going……
IG the “near sage”
Yes! I agree with IG about a lot of progress and positive energy brewing out there. Where to start with comments??
Zoe- I will be thinking of you and sending all positive thoughts. I see you handling the gala with extreme grace and dignity and you and your husband standing solid and unified and in fact, likely strengthening your bond even more in the aftermath. This is good stuff! The stuff I hope for again someday:)
Someone mentioned something about bruised ego’s and that perhaps Peter is feeling that right now. I will absolutely put myself in that same category. Sometimes I’m not certain how deeply I even want my OM if I could have him. Our connection is deep and he is most of the things I could ever want but I realize that what agitates me most is his fence sitting, fear and the sense that he could live his life without me. I want him to want me more. Period. End of story. After all the garbage that we have polluted our relationship with, that’s what it has become now. Much of the beauty is gone. I know this. So my epiphany today and I conveyed to him in a brief conversation this am is to replace my anger with feelings if altruism. Based on what I know of his life/marriage, he truly does run the risk of severe damage in the relationship between him and his kids. His W controls and manipulates his time now by using them. He has little autonomy in how he spends his time w te kids. It’s all dictated by her. I fear she is irrational enough to Poison his kids against him if he left. So until she has accepted that their attempts to make things work may not and the relationship runs its course, he is stuck. I care about him enough to not let that happen to him. What angers me is that I have encouraged him to make small changes and assert himself along the way to change the course of his parenting involvement but he continues to allow her to overpower him. Perhaps there is some sort of co-dependency between them and I cannot influence it. And maybe if we were together, things would still be a disaster bc I’m not sure I Coukd sit silent and butt out and watch his dynamics unfold w her. So this is the rational mind in full effect right now and it is rather empowering. I don’t believe myself that right now the leap of faith would work for us so how could I expect him to believe it. If we both end up single someday and find each other again, in the acceptable way, where we can come out of the shadows…I know that we would be beyond happy and live our lives together forever. That time is most definitely not now. Maybe without me, he will gain more clarity and take control of his future. Maybe he will be relieved of the burden this relationship has caused. Maybe lots of things that I need to let go of thinking. But I have to let go of the bruised ego. It’s killing me. It’s affecting my family and kids as I walk around On edge and bitter.
I feel our “team” is really making progress and this interaction has been the best thing I’ve done in the past 18 months. Cannot express that enough.
Holy cow, try again … I felt like what you wrote could have been … me … exactly. Almost to a T. Not a degree of separation … from the fence sitting … the parenting issues … wife’s manipulation … overwhelms me ….
But my guy isn’t calling me. He misses me for sure but he is not pursing me … to be fair I am married but he knows I’d try. My day has had some calm but I have my moments. Find myself writing here to keep from going crazy. TV or someone wrote, play the last 6 months over and if you don’t like what you see … it’s done. It’s *&+ brutal. But, I am so freaking mad sometimes … makes it a little easier … working to fill that void with IG’s advice …. (Though her comments on health issues was sort of depressing).
For 30 days I am just going to move forward …. can’t be worse than the last 30 …. I’ve never cried more …. at least I am not crying (most of the time) …. that is a step.
Yes my ego is bruised absolutely….WSB your words comfort me with your rational as to what may be going through her mind or thought process. Many of the words you ladies on her have expressed sound very similar to how she would talk with me. She challenged me, and so do you all….to look inside of me and come out better for it. So please always feel free to tell me like it is, I seek honesty it truly helps. I’m not sure what issues to focus on over the past couple of weeks, I have moments of clarity but they don’t last long.
Yep we are in the same boat of shit…..how do you pick up the pieces..and which direction should you go…..Zoe’s transition has clearly been a choice that she is actively working towards and it appears to be working for. One shoe does not fit all.
I would love to answer all of your questions that you posed to me WSB. I tend to imagine that many of the answers would be the same if I asked them of you. I know I’m only a man :p but gender aside we all sound very similar in our mindset and general situations esp where feelings are concerned.
I do want to answer about men not being able to let go. Perhaps that’s true, given that most men are the bread winners and their spouses tend to stay home etc…..the guilt of leaving those who you consider helpless is a very powerful feeling to overcome. I myself encouraged my wife back to school a couple years ago to help her back into the world of working. I thought perhaps her gaining some independence and confidence would perhaps change her a bit and thus change me ?? Prior to my affair I had uncertainty over longevity of my happiness and marriage, and so this too was not just for her but for my possible future peace of mind as well. I would have a very tough time stranding someone who I did care about. Since a good deal of the women on here seem not to have the same financial dependence as others, I suggest that when looking at your OM and trying to understand their thoughts, this maybe a bit of their underlying rational. I know not all men think like me in this regard, my AP spouse made it clear to her numerous times (or so she said) that he would make her life a living hell if she ever left……that scared the crap out of her.
I’m not making excuses merely giving you a male perspective, so when I talk about a ‘plan’ with my AP, these are the things I mean’t. Same with her, I wanted her to gain some independence to be able to choose…….
Thank you all…..I learn from each posting….WSB, I’m sorry that my posting about “health issues” was a little depressing. What I meant to convey was that other people’s lives had tragedy/challenges as well, and if I looked at my life, it was likely not as bad as cancer, etc. There have been GOOD things that have happened to me too over the last few months, more frequently as I open my eyes, heart, and arms to them. Yes, I am grieving a terrible loss, but ultimately my husband isn’t facing a serious situation, so I feel a little small when viewing others troubles. Also, I feel the “universe” pulling me towards encouraging those friends in their journeys.
I believe if I work on my self, my head, my approach to life, then I will be open and ready when that next relationship (could it be the “great love”?) comes along. If I am still prostrate grieving the loss of my OM, would I recognize someone that is even better, and _available_? Remember that joke/saying about Tarzan? In order to swing through the jungle, he has to release the previous vine…..
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the end of the movie: An Officer and a Gentleman. Oh, how I have longed for that moment: I’d be working, and in the distance, I can see that handsome figure walk in, headed straight towards me, scooping me up in his arms, and carrying me off to a deliriously happy future. Oh yeah, Hollywood. I wished it, I dreamed it, I grieved its death–never to be with _that_ man…….
I thank you Peter, for being here, for letting us see inside the head of a man. I thank TV for also being so open, so vulnerable, so angry right in front of us. I believe that my OM truly didn’t want to go to No Contact, but did it to keep the peace. He was clear he was not prepared to leave her for a variety of reasons: money, loss of friendships, her fragility, etc. In fact, he owed his life to her….. As with you, I somehow wished he could contact me and say he was sorry and that he had to do it this way. But then I see how drawing it out has impacted WSB and tryagain. A slower and not necessarily gentler death……At this moment, I think it is NC for a damned good reason, even if I don’t know what that reason is.
Oh, tryagain, I recognize that altruism. I had it too. Many’s the time, I thought I needed to bow out due to OM’s wife’s mental fragility. But I didn’t. I can only imagine the hell OM went through on her discovery of our relationship and that it had NOT ended following her first discovery of an “emotional affair”. She had given up work to take care of him on so many levels, and had truly supported his meteoric rise in his organization. How in the world could I compete with that level of “help-meet”-ness????? What the hell was I doing in there, siphoning off his love and affection? Yup, I used him as he used me……and I was very grateful it blew up on his end only. Even though he “started it”, I certainly went along. I was acutely aware that if he left her, she would be unable to live at the same level of comfort. That alone would lock him in place. He was that honorable (wistful smile) even while “betraying” her. And yes, I wanted him to want me more, enough to leave her, to leave her hanging, to leave it all and start over, which is nuts!!!! But it is what it is.
Insanity. Fantasy. Pheromones. Addiction. B***S***!!!!!!
Yeah, this blog has been very therapeutic for me……We are all together, bonded due to a slip of decorum, a lapse of societal protocol, the need to be loved fully and exquisitely. Yup.
IG
for WSB: the posts from Susan….who got “what she wanted”, but didn’t…..
http://afunfair.wordpress.com/
WSB, Island Girl, Zoe – thank you all for your kind feedback. Just trying to help out a little here with my two cents.
WSB – A healthy relationship or marriage is one where you put your partner’s needs ahead of your own. In an affair, you put your needs ahead of everyone else’s.
An affair is by nature a singularly selfish creature that will constantly feed upon itself until someone decides to kill the damn thing for good. Never underestimate the lengths that your ego will go to keep itself sated by justifying the affair (“My AP is the one who started this/pursued me/continues to pursue me”, “But we’re in love”, “We’ve been together for so long”, “I’ll never find a connection this good again”, “I’m just waiting for my AP to leave his/her spouse first”, etc). This also includes emotional manipulation between affair partners (pulling back to test for a response, thwarting attempts to end the affair by all manner of promises and declarations of love, blaming the affair on the failings of one’s marriage/spouse to justify the lack of remorse and incite sympathy from the AP, etc), a romanticization of the affair, and a vehement belief that your only hope for happiness depends on having the AP in your life forever.
This is not the kind of “love” that ensures a successful long-term relationship. After all, a long-term relationship needs to be able to withstand life’s hardships, and you’ve seen how your AP has chosen to handle that part – by having a permanent affair.
I strongly agree with TV that if you really want to end things, you have to go cold turkey. Of course it’s ruthless, but that’s absolutely what is needed when you are dealing with an equally ruthless creature (see above). You will need to be very firm and clear about it, even threaten exposure if you know your AP will persist.
And what’s a respectable boot camp without any tough love… Sure it’s hard, but when it comes to doing what you strongly feel is right, are you really going to give up just because it’s _hard_? Come on. You are better than that. We are human and everyone makes mistakes. It is how you choose to rectify it that _really_ matters.
Godspeed.
Zoe says…
He didn’t show up, you guys….. he was a “No Show” He was listed on the “program” as a presenter – I mean – scheduled to “perform” and what I heard was at the last minute “something suddenly came up” and he had to cancel on them at the last minute. I know for a fact that it was because he knew my husband and I were going to be there. I have no idea what to do with this. help.
~Zoe
Dearest Zoe: I know you had steeled yourself for a big confrontation with him. Ironically it is probably a letdown, as you had put a lot of energy into building your emotional walls against him. I suppose you have to look at this as a gift–one that he intentionally or unintentionally gave to you. Perhaps he has embraced the No Contact completely and you might not see him professionally very often in the future. I am sure that you are wondering in a small way whether he is OK, but recommend against contacting him to see how he is. I hope that you shone last night, and that things went well for you and your husband. Your work together with your husband sounds like a great way to further cement your relationship.
I know you also have the anniversary of loss of a friend that you are dealing with. We all care about you. Hang in there!
IG
Greetings Zoe, IG, others … putting myself in your shoes, I imagine that you are filled with emotion. I’m a big time worrier, so I’d have 100 thoughts running through my head. There are a few possiblities, though it probably just because very difficult for him to process it all. We all feel so gilted and passed over, but quite possibly your OM was DREADING seeing you with your husband. I know I’d have been nearly unable to handle it. He’s struggling in ways imaginable and unimaginable. His marriage is not happy from what you tell me. Likely he didn’t prepare himself and at the last minute figured out a way to get out of it all. Confrontation works well in the movies, but laying in your hotel room thinking of the woman you used to hold in your arms with her husband …. not easy. I’d feel conflicted. Truthfully, against all advice, I’d have wanted to see him. But, doing so would have set me back … way back. To have your husband see your sad and agitated … not worth it. The unanswered question would drive me NUTs. I cannot let stuff like that go very easily. But, I agree with IG. It will bug you for a while (a few weeks) but you will ultimately be better for just moving forward. How was the event otherwise?
An Officer and a Gentleman — only two things come out of Oklahoma … Mayonnaise … Ha ha! I’ve had a number of similar Hollywood moments, but my flick of choice has been Pretty Woman
Maybe our movie should be Hangover … we should get a tiger and go on a road trip to Vegas. Not that sounds FUN. Or Thelma and Louise without the run-your-car-off-the-cliff part? Hopefully, not Diane Lane – Unfaithful … way too scary.
Sadly I adore my OM in ways words cannot describe. But, Snow leopard is right … he chose the permanent affair. I sometimes see myself as self aware, but that statement hit me square in the head. He would have taken the affair forever, even knowing how it was killing me. He apologized and felt awful. But not awful enough to do something about. I always wanted something more. He was unwilling. But, as I told Peter, I also have blood on my hands, I’ve always been married to another. Sad truth. Peter is right, men often feel they are caretakes and responsiblities … look how our men have stayed by us … often knowing we were out with others …. hmmm.
I am taking the tough love to heart and trying to maintain NC. He knows my number. He knows where I live. If he wants me to be his for real, he knows how to find me. That fact makes me suck in my breath, because my phone is not ringing. He wants the permanent affair. Or, maybe more sadly to move on. The opposite of love is indifference as TV said.
I wasn’t being critical w reference to depressing. I often feel that my problems are small and self induced. I chose to do this. CHOSE it … It was voluntary.
I wish we could all go out and have a brilliant evening … maybe a few cocktails or too many glasses of wine. I’ve becoming attached to you here on line. Such a seemingly bright interesting group … stuck in such a ridiculously sad place.
Hi,
Thanks Island Girl & Wantsomethingbetter. You are such good buddies. Sorry for being so short last night – got home and just wanted to let you know – didn’t know how to talk about it yet.
I’m doing remarkably well, all things considered. It’s true, part of me did want to see him, but it always sets me back, and I know it, so I’m smart enough now to prefer NOT seeing him at all. I am feeling better today than I have in a while, surprisingly. Island Girl, I do think it was a gift that he didn’t show up and I’m happy to report that I am NOT tempted to make contact to see how he’s doing or anything like that. WSB – I think you are right – he was dreading seeing my husband and I am certain that’s why he didn’t show. While I was rather stunned to learn that he had cancelled on them at the last minute & I am concerned for his well being – wondering what sort of “head space’ he is in – the truth is, I was relieved when I found out he wouldn’t be there. No heartache, no pining. I was able to enjoy the evening. Ironically, I even offered to cover and “fill his time” they took me up on it, it went really well and they were very grateful.
Now I honestly don’t know when I will see him again and that feels like a relief. I got offered a project for next year that I am pretty sure he will be offered as well – I’m wondering how to handle that – gotta give an answer soon. I wonder if I say “yes” will he say “yes” or “no” or – what? Still haven’t talked at length with my husband about how to handle that one. But at least I don’t have to see him any time soon and that feels like a tremendous weight off my shoulders.
My husband and I got to really shine together last night, too. We are getting a lot of attention for the project we’re working on – it’s culminating this weekend and it is a huge hit for the company. I was able to shine WITH my husband – and I can’t tell you how good that feels. We are getting stronger together every day & I am appreciating him so much. I know what it feels like to really be LOVED – for better or for worse. He’s seen the worst of me and he still loves me. AMAZING.
Getting stronger every day….
Zoe
Snowleopard – excellent post the ‘beast’ is in us (our ego etc) and not anyone else which is why it’s so tough to get past.
lol but I really feel I am good with it….that combined with my blog therapy that is 
Zoe – I think it’s very encouraging on your personal decision to keep moving forward. Since we all have variations in our personality I can only answer based on what I would be thinking given your situation. I would want to show how awesome I’m doing (which as snowleopard post may conclude it could be a form of manipulation (that would be me)) OR you could of just wanted to send a clear signal that your done. Again since I don’t know you, only you really know but regardless I think your doing things right for you and they’re working for you and most importantly you seem very balanced building happiness back into your life. Regardless of his reasons, it’s a pretty good guess that it was a fear of his dealing with reality so up close.
WSB – Affairs are live movies, thats what we all want…..so we all live in the fantasy realm and it’s REALLY tough to think clearly to shake it off. I said I have moments of clarity and then ya I’m sucked back into trying to rationalize how come I can’t have what I want. I know why…..but damn it’s hard to shake it off and then I dwell.
An update to mine, I had contact today….not initiated by me….it was very brief. I made a couple of mistakes in the conversation but overall I had my questions answered and I feel very much at peace. There is still alot up in the air in my AP’s head, but I can’t rescue her I kinda made that clear….timing is not right period there is no other option. By the sound of her state of mind and his I’m a little nervous that he may still try to bomb me. But I’m kinda coming to peace with that too that I can’t really hide from it, if it happens I’ll deal with it and see where the cards fall. I need to see how I feel as time goes on, I never declared NC but I did make it clear I will not be the initiator. I do NOT want to encourage it, I want the fog to clear and for logical thought to have a good foothold before making ANY future decisions. My mistake is I should of insisted she remain in NC…….but hey I’m only human and my heart was racing a million miles an hour so ya I kinda left that loop hole there. I did not convey any emotion that would say ‘I think we should continue’ which I felt was a victory. I’m pretty sure that I was being probed on my missing you factor….I did want answers I feel like I got them….much better. If this was it, I am good with it…..or at least for now
Wow- so much great discussion since checking in last. I re-read snow leopard’s post 3 or 4 times. Such truth in the words. Emotional manipulation…that is exactly what me and OM have put each other through and still dabble in. WsB- your comments about your OM wanting the “permanent affair”. That’s what mine would like to have as well and would if I’d cooperate and roll with the punches but that’s not me…never will be. Although lately, I wonder if in some ways I don’t want that also. I just always wanted more time with him…more than he was able to give bc his hands were more tied than mine. I don’t know if I have the courage to split my family right now. My kids are young. Though some say that’s the better time to do it. But that is a whole different topic. Zoe- wow! What a shock that he did not show! I know my mind would be racing through the possibilities of why??? The probable answer is that he is a coward. Your comments about how you and your husband are reconnecting are fantastic. I don’t believe I’ll ever get that with my h. We never really had it. Dated only a short time before marrying, had kids quickly thereafter and lost what little foundation we had over the past 8 years. And now, his singular focus is our kids. Not the worst quality in the world but i would be shocked if he ever did find out about what I’ve done and acted surprised abt it. The writing is all over the wall. He doesn’t care. This loneliness is what makes it so hard for me to walk away from my OM. In spite of the tremendous pain he has caused me, a sweet loving text, email, afternoon together filled me with the attention, love and ego boost I so desparately need. He also was a good friend, nurturer and confidante. I have many close friends but I think we all know too well that the level of raw honesty and vulnerability that we were/are able to share with our AP’s are like no other. But I realize this is the chemical drug and addiction that snowleopard speaks of. That may not be real love that can exist in the real world. I miss him always. We have not ceased communication but have cut back from most of it. Every morning when I woke, I’d have a goodmorning etc text from him….no more. I leave my phone in my car now instead of bedside. It’s so ridiculous how my damn phone has entrapped me all these months…staring, waiting, ugh. How my days are so different. I will say that I am forgetting less, more focused and accomplishing a bit more professionally and personally. It really was always a huge distraction managing the dynamics of our affair.
Peter- you have been quiet. I hope you are well and the pain and anger are dissipating slowly. I have carried around so much anger and sadness and still do. I’ve lost more weight recently and people I run into tell me I look tired. It’s true. A certain radiance is gone from my face. The happy glow of a woman having her cake and eating it too is gone. Pathetic. I think it was WSB or IG who wrote about feeling like that dog in the anti-depressant commercial. So true. I actually cried once when I saw that commercial. I have cried at many things. In the eseence of talking about movie scenes to relate to….I Watched “something borrowed” again last night. I believe the first time I watched it was BA. Watching it AA, was a whole new perspective. But see they had their affair before the deal was sealed and in the end, all ended up happy and with who they were meant to be with. Hollywood. Gotta love it. Ok yes rambling just very melancholy tonight. Not feeling the best but still resolved and my grip on him/us is loosening more and more each day. Breathe in. Breathe out. Sigh. Goodnight all. WSB- The lonely hearts drink get together sounds like a night I need desperately. The stories we Could share. Brings me to an interesting thought. I have been in discussions about cheating/affairs w friends etc. they mostly all say that they don’t see that their husbands ever Coukd/would. How would they pull it off etc etc? Man, I could shock the socks right Off of them with the how and ins and outs. Everyone I know would jaw drop from what I could reveal about what can happen even with “good girls” and “good guys” Crazy. But i agree with Zoe, we are notMaybe I will turn my experience around and start a “how to know if your spouse is having and affair” seminar. New career to pursue? As IG said, I do not believe we are “bad people” I cannot. Flawed perhaps. But we will prevail in the end and come out on the other side stronger and wiser. Perhaps with a permanently broken heart though….
As always, snowleopard comes through with clarity….Thank you for continuing to drop in on this “blender party” (boy could I use a margarita now!). I was very much aware of being manipulated, from the opening salvo of a “pinging” eMail, to the lone voice Mail that he got out before total silence set in…..It might not have been his “first rodeo”, but it was certainly mine–and I am fairly sure it’s the last. He had actually approached me five years earlier, but I didn’t take the bait–had read him as a “player” and perhaps even as a “watcher”–someone too cautious to actually engage in an affair, but willing to flirt and see the reaction in others. The second time he approached me (and just how did he know to do this?) I was far more vulnerable and distracted by life’s dramas to deflect him. Nevertheless, as snowleopard says, the invitation was enticing and I just walked in. I caught him lying to me at least once, and that was kind of amusing: here we were lying to our spouses, but I thought somehow there was “honor among thieves”. What a bunch of *(&*^^%$^%(!!!!!!!
Ah yes, pretty woman: “I want the whole fairy tale”………and of course Richard Gere’s character stating earlier in the movie: “I specialize in impossible relationships”. (What IS it about Richard Gere and these romantic movies????) We have ALL been living in fantasies, and need to shift to reality. Actually, reality isn’t so bad….I truly enjoy my friends and family. There is warmth and genuine caring and a sense of REALNESS…..solidity….something that the rollercoaster infidelity drug never gave me. While I craved those sexy highs and moved heaven and earth to get there, it was the lows that drained and damn near killed me. Yup, a DRUG–hanky-panky heroin!!!!!!
I am not quite where Zoe is now, but dreams of the OM have faded away. In fact, I had a pleasant dream about my husband. No, not the earthshaking passion, but a nice one. We are still at pleasant and perfunctory, but I know with time and my actually investing in this relationship, that things could be much better…..Too late to make it work? I don’t know, there is still a long way back to what we had so many years ago……..
It is exciting to see the work going on in each of us. Yeah, I truly wish we could come together in the physical plane and give each other a hug and a huge smile. We are all doing fine, just in different stages of the journey. TV explorer has “fathered” a ragtag group of recovering adulterers. And he SO didn’t want to do this (November 17, 2008 posting). But there you have it….We CAN do this!!
Island Girl
I find myself getting edgy. Snow leopards words make me feel like I’ve stepped on to a stage and standing under a large spot light I have to acknoweledge my conduct. The advice and counsel are so compelling. Feels like everything I attempt to write is trivial, unimportant, simply a justification. Like how do I even justify what I do or did with OM anymore? I don’t even mean at a moral level, leading me to think I am morally bankrupt – perhaps. But, really at just an operational, common sense level. Why continue to love a man who is with his wife and is not going to pick me? Or more aptly, why am/was I involved in a dead end relationship that was not making me happy. Why would a seemingly smart, good, decent person do that? That I could not even say that the affair made me happy is a critical fact. If I could maybe the conversation would be different. But, I wanted more. I did.
I have much to write and my head swirls. But, I am short on time as my real life and work are calling me. Thanks to each of you. WSB
Peter- I am glad to hear she contacted you. I hope it soothed your soul a bit and it sounds like you handled it the best way you Could. I can’t and have not been able to demand Nc either. I’m just phasing out right now. It’s easier and weak but it’s my decision right now. You were clear that you would no her and that is a strong stance. Congratulations for small wins…all we can hope for. One day at a time.
IG- I laughed at your comments about being appalled and angered when your OM was caught lying to you. I had the same experience several times over the course of my encounter w OM and it was so hard to deal with. How Could he lie to a liar? The cheating code. Ha!! About a month ago he was scrolling through his phone lying next to me and I saw a text thread w a woman he has told me about who allegedly had been flirtatious w him but he wanted no parts of. Yeah, ok. I tried to grab his phone and read it. He pulled it away and deleted it. Red flag??? I’d say so. He explained it away that it was innocent banter but that he knew of freak out either way. Yes dear…I would bc you can’t cheat on your AP not even with your spouse:) That’s also part of the delusional affair code. Wow- when I write these things, I truly grasp the foolishness and insanity of it all but it doesn’t make the pain go away. It’s fading a bit. And the fact that he is trying to pursue this still is giving me some satisfaction. I feel more in control but have no doubt I could still regress especially with a face to face meeting. I never was able to stay angry in person…the chemistry and drug took over and I’d be lying if I said that I have not dreamed every day at least one about one last embrace etc.
Have a wonderful day all!
IG/Try again, I oftened pondered that … can you cheat on your AP? I think yes, but boy is it F$%^ up.
Peter, how did the contact make you feel. Sends me spinning now. Almost don’t like it. Almost.
Not in a very good place right now. My writing is all me, me, me. Very selfish. What to do
WSB, Tryagain, I so feel the irony that you have experienced…..that lying, cheating son of a B%^^&*^ surely cheated on me, and you would think that would make me angry. Guess I never felt I had enough leverage on him to make him behave a certain way. I accepted my lot as an “appendage” even though I was praying to become his primary woman. Ha! What would THAT look like???? Always looking over my shoulder wondering what the heck he was up to while I was working? Yeah, Tryagain, I think he even slipped once and told me that he had hugged a woman with my name while on one of his month long vacations with his wife. He said he hugged her and thought of me….say what????? Are you kidding me??? I feel the way that he sharply fell in line on discovery by his wife tells me that he had done this before, and there might have been more than one of us at the time….Sometimes I could see him online and tried to chat with him, and he would take quite awhile to respond to me…..I wish I could get angry with him– I think it was Zoe who did that. Probably if I had caught him doing something I would have become angry. Why am I protecting him in my heart? One of my very intuitive friends told me that he was not only cheating on his wife with me , but cheating on me with his wife….meaning that while he had told me there was NO sex with his wife (that they were “platonic” and that is why he needed me), that he was in fact very likely having sex with her too. I am such an idiot…..The longing and pining for him is fading, and I just hope that I don’t run into him for a long time, if ever. I want to be so free and clear of this. I just doubt I have the resilience right now to encounter him.
WSB don’t worry about being selfish. We are all working through this stuff.
IG
IG- the one friend I confided also pointed that same thing out to me. He admitted to only 2 sexual encounters with his wife during time we were together and that he got ambushed and was repulsed etc etc. Really? Hmm, well there had to be some sort of something there to eve. Engage in it on his end right? Ugh. Still makes
Me sick to think about. But after she found out about us, she was trying…relentlessly. It’s why I always felt I somehow spiced things up for them… Certainly awoke her from her slumber and have them lots to talk about and fight about. She told him once that she was honored another woman was attracted to her husband and she knows what I look like so and told him she can see why he was attracted to me that I was beautiful. Can you say crack pot? Really when I recount all of these atrocities, it all becomes so clear why it is ending/over and needs to stay that way.
We are selfish, so what ! that’s horrible ? I’m a good person, I help others in need when I can. Oddly enough they just had a news feature about affairs, and the therapist lady talking said ‘they need to understand why their marriage isn’t meeting their needs’ lol….wellllllll, it’s a complicated answer and so there is no one answer, I connected with someone else and I want her. Selfish yep, I know it but it still doesn’t change my feelings….WSB, you don’t need to justify anything ! You are attracted and want someone you can’t have and at the same time are tired of the BS that comes with living a double life. I feel the same, what do I hate more…..the secrets or NC…..I hate the secrets. Today I had NC so far and I’m still ok with it, I do have more questions and would love to hear her voice, but I am able after yesterday to remember what our daily routine was like. I can also recall how I hated ad-hoc changes in her schedule that interrupted or even threatened our routine….it pissed me off and made me feel like a hobby.
Your not weak, your confused and trapped within yourself….I still crave her attention. I still want to hear her voice, I want to help fix her life…..it doesn’t make me weak….maybe stupid for getting into this prediciment yup but not weak. The contact I had has given me closure knowing she’s thinking of me. Although I know it’s not over yet….maybe that’s the key…it’s not over yet but knowing she’s got me in her thought of helps me dwell less. It makes me feel my connection was or is real and with that I’m able to let go a bit.
LMAO….that thought really made me laugh, had to share.
I truly can sympathize with others here that are in situations where you could be together how you feel they are stringing you along. I wouldn’t stand for it, as I said before if I lived in close enough proximity and my AP failed to ‘plan’ our future I would go nuclear on them. Again actions speak louder than words, deflecting the topic is like sticking your head in the sand and letting others do the heavy lifting. I should add that I too believe my AP has attempted to cheat before I came along, although she would never really admit it. She always alluded to the fact that it was never her ‘fault’ type of thing, so I think she’s been unhappy or seeking something ‘new’ for sometime. I never did anything like this EVER, my life would be rocked to the foundation if it was discovered….I am the rock so many people look at as an example….it’s almost funny in a sad way.
I think being the only participating male on here right now I’d be a little nervous to meet for drinks…sure it’s starts off innoccent but after a few months of getting to each other who knows, one of you might click with me and vs versa…..then after a few months we’d have to decide who gets flaming rights on this blog and who has to go somewhere else
Crap I just re-read my last post with a couple of grammer errors…..pfffftttt…..thoughts were faster than my fingers were typing, sorry about that.
Oh Peter, I believe you asked us to hold you accountable and to be “real” with you……
You said: ” I can also recall how I hated ad-hoc changes in her schedule that interrupted or even threatened our routine….it pissed me off and made me feel like a hobby.” Guess what? All of us here on the blog were NEVER “number one” with our affair partners…..we were necessarily secondary in their lives. They have proved it by either going back to the life they had before or simply not jumping into a commitment with us……I know, it hurts majorly. Yeah, by your own hand: “actions speak louder than words”. You’re right, you’re not “weak”, you have far more resilience than you think.
Selfish? yes, having an affair was the most selfish thing I have ever done, but I thought at the time I deserved the love, the rush, the sex. Unfortunately I also deserved the anguish, the emotional exhaustion, the withdrawal……
“I should add that I too believe my AP has attempted to cheat before I came along, although she would never really admit it. She always alluded to the fact that it was never her ‘fault’ type of thing, so I think she’s been unhappy or seeking something ‘new’ for sometime.” Sounds exactly like what snowleopard was discussing…Our affair partners tell us that their spouse isn’t good enough or doesn’t understand them…we fall right into that trap… of course OUR spouse doesn’t “understand” us either……How in the world did we end up justifying something that we had to scramble so hard to hide on an ongoing basis? something that discovery could destroy us–you said you are “the rock” you know…..most of us on this blog (perhaps excepting round1) have been able to stay in the shadows…..so it sounds like your AP has cheated before….do you really want to end up with her? I wonder what I would have done if my OM had chosen to be with me?
I do appreciate your continuing to blog here as the male representative, even if you are awash in estrogenic comrades. You’d still be welcome for drinks, but when we start painting toenails…….you’re out!
IG
Zoe – Yes, I have been single my whole life and dated some very interesting men, but I’ve never found a man that was the marrying type. My OM and I dated off and on for 40 years but have had a steady affair for the past 14 1/2 years. He’s always been a serial cheater. We talk about some of the women he’s cheated with. A marriage between us would have never lasted. Most of the time the pleasure of our affair outweighs the pain. The pain of his cheating if we were married would not outweigh the pleasure. It hurts me when he takes the wife on vacation and can’t take me anywhere. I’m at an age where I’ll never find another man who will compare to him.
He’s considerate, funny, generous, smart, and is my best friend. After this last vacation with his wife I told him that he is going to have to find more time for me. I’m going through a rough time right now and need him more. I am Bi-Polar but he knew that going into this affair. That’s what he liked about my personality. I was crazy and fun. I don’t think he knew how difficult this disease could get during rough times. I rely on him immensely. Sometimes I become nuts but he knows that goes along with my disability and he helps me as much as my therapist does. I can tell him things I can’t tell my therapist. He says that we all have our faults. That’s what I love about him. That’s why I can take the pleasure with the pain.
The wife retired a couple of years ago and it has really changed our time together. When she worked we would go for rides in his convertible. That has stopped. Our lunches have stopped. We do get the opportunity to have an occasional dinner, and we are going out next week for lunch and shopping since I asked for more time with him. I would miss him to death if it ended. I could never end it and I don’t think he would either. When there is pain I walk around my house and whisper his name when I need to see him and can’t call.
I wrote TV when I was going through a bi-polar episode and wanted to tell my OM wife about our affair and all of the other serial affairs I knew of when he built a summer home for the family when the wife retired and he didn’t tell me. I was hurt and crazy when I found out. I would never do such a thing. At that time I just wanted his wife and him to hurt as badly as I did. I couldn’t believe he didn’t tell me. TV and I discussed bi-polar disorder and affairs. It seemed to me that TV lost interest in his blog shortly after our discussion and his affair with a bi-polar OW. I haven’t been back to this site for quite a while. I’m sorry to hear that TV’s marriage had ended. My OM is the second best liar I know and would lie his way out of the situation without a doubt in my mind. That’s why I would never tell. I would be the only one to be hurt probably to the point of ending my life. I couldn’t live without him.
WSB – Yes, it is love, sex, attraction, but it is more than that. You’re right, It is powerful. He has far more energy than I have. He’s like a shark. If he quits moving he’ll die. I hope that he outlives me because I can’t live without him. He has his several families to keep him going. I have nothing but him.
.
You write IG that “I thought at the time I deserved the love, the rush, the sex. Unfortunately I also deserved the anguish, the emotional exhaustion, the withdrawal……” I am in major exhaustion mode. Certain times of day or events trigger such a sad longing. While my situation parallels most here, I don’t think my OM cheated before. But, who the hell knows. I vacilate between thinking he’s miserable at home to thinking it must be ok because he stays. There are aspects of the situation that are just so complicated. I had to laugh about the sex discussions. There were many times when in the deep, I felt like I was cheating on OM when with my husband. Couldn’t stand to be touched. My OM will stay for his kids and because it is the right thing to do. I suppose it is, but he says it may destroy him. Those are the things I start to doubt … he seems to live a regular life at least some of the time. Though when with him, she must call every 15 min and badger him constantly. But that always suggested to me that she cared and was sensing he was pulling away. That doesn’t sound like two people totally disconnected.
I couldn’t write about it yesterday. But like Try Again, my OM wrote me every morning for years. Every morning without fail. Feel empty a lot of the time when I know there’s no message there. I never really felt much jealous. Did not envy the relationship between OM and his wife. Lots of issues. But, he was resonsible for the failure of his marrage. What went wrong, I often wonder?
Peter, you are on the roller coaster. Up and down. It’s not a pretty ride. You and your girl are sort of in the thick of the withdrawal. You seem disengaged from you wife big time.
I am so sad right now I may need to go get some air or take a walk. I will not have access to write for a while. More traveling. Looking forward to a change of scenery. Always helps me move forward. Hope you have some fun weekend plans. The weekends used to be killers. That part is at least a bit better now.
Holy crap, I think my writing last time maybe came off wrong……yes I am still in withdrawl, nothing but time will mend that fence. Sorry if I’m coming off unclear, I was trying to convey that I’m in a better place overall right now. I wanted the daily contact to cease or slow down enough to allow me to concentrate on my ‘real’ life (regardless of D-day I wanted it). When I would be in regular contact, I would hear about her life and what she’s doing and I would long to be there to share it or be part of it. If she was busy with family plans i.e. the whole family then it would be worse! I would find my jealousy over not being with her and being second place overwhelming and it would cause me to dwell. When D-day occured I was kind of left hanging, so many emotions that ranged from sadness to anger and shock….shock was the big one. Since my questions have been somewhat answered and there is almost zero contact except for that one day….I find I’m dwelling less because there is no competition, I have no daily updates, no knowing what the ‘family’ is doing…..zero….and that helps. Had D-day not occured it would of been next to impossible for me to just stop…….and if she just stopped I’d still be dwelling wondering how could she give up so easily (if she did). I do not like D-day I wish we could of done it without D-day, but we can’t undo it now and in my mind it’s a GOOD reason…..I blame no one this way, it’s just the way it is. I do recall when it happened I felt jaded that she threw me under the bus, I don’t feel that way anymore. I felt alone and abandoned, I don’t feel that way today. With her reaching out to me to give me the answers I needed let me put a 100 other things to rest. Doesn’t mean I’m not damaged goods, or still couldn’t pick up right where we left off. I’m just not going to be an enabler any longer and that feels better for me. I want to take my life back, to live in the real world and make choices based on who I am now and as time moves forward from this point.
Don’t live in the pond of self pity, no one here deserves to feel anguish, or emotional exhaustion or any bad vibes whatsoever. My AP did right by me to fullfill what I considered the unselfish thing by taking the risk and contact me to give me the closure she probably felt I needed. That validated for me that she at least was holding herself accountable for our relationship regardless of how ‘wrong’ it was……her H wouldn’t approve at all nor would my wife but had it been me I would of did the same. Yes I’ve lied and kept a secret from my w but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t hold myself accountable if it ever came out. I would totally take any all responsibilty for my actions (I’m not a serial cheater).
I think I went off on some tangent that was going nowhere, anyhow my point is you need to be a fighter. Again if you and your AP are both in positions wher you could make a life together and one of you will not……you have your answer to where your relationship is going. I’m not religious, but if anyone has seen the movie ‘bruce almighty’ one of the rules god tells bruce is you can’t interfere with free will or love or something. Bruce tries and asks god at one point about how he can make people (or his girlfriend) love him, God responds with a chuckle and replies ‘welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know’.
That speaks volumes to me, I don’t want someone to want me because I want them too I want them to want me because THEY want too.
Again not religious, but it’s a good lesson. My wife and I would have arguements over her sex drive a long time ago….she was always willing but what irked me was that it seemed like I had to initiate. She just could not seem to understand that I never wanted her just too want sex only because I did…..I wanted her to want it on her own. She always figured since she was willing it was just the same…..it is NOT the same.
Stop trying to convince someone to choose you, it shouldn’t be about you convinicing them of what they want….
You are all awesome ladies, your comments to me and insight to things I’ve said are filling a void. I don’t think my advice is helping any of you very much…..I wish I could help you more like you’ve helped me.
Peter you are doing great! We all have different writing styles, different coping styles, but it is clear we are all in pain and various stages of EMERGING from this life-lesson.
Your talking about jealousy brought back memories for me: my OM would tell me about their neighborhood block parties, their going to galas, concerts, travel, and yes, there were holiday events…I was SO jealous!!!! (He used to tell me the difference between envy and jealousy–I had both, because he WAS mine–at least in my mind!!!) I so wanted to come out of the darkness and be seen out there as a “couple”–to be on his tuxedo-ed arm at an event, to go home with him and celebrate our togetherness. Nope, we had to steal slivers of time in dark corners and surreptitious meetings–nothing more than a few hours….Nothing like what I hoped and dreamed of. Certainly nothing that a woman with so much to give should experience and settle for. (Never mind I am still attached to someone and my OM could have said the same to me….) I tried so hard to be better than his wife, to be his dream woman, to lure him from his life and it was only that…….a dream never to come true. Quite a lesson…..quite a journey.
IG
Oops, one more comment. I am the more theatrical writer (yeah, duh!), but what I was trying to convey were the CONSEQUENCES of my thoughts and actions–it was selfish to step out into an affair–yes, I was reaching for passion and feelings that I hadn’t had in years, and in reaching for those, I felt entitled to the passion, the sex, the rush (the drug!). I deserved to feel those things in my mind…(and yes, I DO deserve them…just not with someone else’s husband). The consequences of those actions were my “just desserts”, so by extension, I deserved those consequences and downside of the affair: pain, anguish, withdrawal, exhaustion…..
No, it isn’t self pity….it is enlightenment……..the task is to learn and move forward……and to resolve never to do it this way again……
thanks, Peter.
IG
I am having a odd night also- been feeling down.
Life is ok- work is great – lots of attention from males- working on me is going brilliant ..but I still get moments of sadness that knock me for six:-(
The biggest question i have is why? Why bring me into his life on such a level when at the end of the day – when dd struck he threw me out with the pizza box? Why? …I would rather he used me for s&x so I could at least understand why. ..but he opened up his whole frigging world to me- I even know the cost of his business and other stuff that u just don’t bothere with – when u are using someone – so if he wasn’t using me- yet threw me out after DD – …what the hell was he doing!!
Maybe that is my problem – I need to have an answer and reason
And in a way Peter- I am jealous – hummm not the beat word- just wish I heard from him.
All I get is this man – who avoids me- ashamed look and a broken look. Sucks
Exactly right IG !!!
‘my OM would tell me about their neighborhood block parties, their going to galas, concerts, travel, and yes, there were holiday events…I was SO jealous!!!! (He used to tell me the difference between envy and jealousy–I had both, because he WAS mine–at least in my mind!!!) I so wanted to come out of the darkness and be seen out there as a “couple”–to be on his tuxedo-ed arm at an event, to go home with him and celebrate our togetherness.’
That is EXACTLY how I felt when I knew what was going on….it bothered me something fierce. Still does but without really hearing about it coming up or whatever….I always envisioned it as them out laughing and having a good time at these things and thinking I was here to fill in the mundane boring parts of life….and all the while I made myself available or I felt I did. What I was doing was enabling her to live both lives. I was mad at her for failing to recognize it (although as time went on she got it and started to commit to ‘our’ time)…and I was mad at myself for waiting, essentially felt like I was putting my life on hold. That was my rollercoaster….that is what I do not miss….and that is what I remind myself of when I revist old txt’s, emails etc…focus on that and it helps, it helps me. Again still miss her, she is mine…..but I do not miss that crap one friggin bit.
Round – I feel your pain also, up until earlier this week I was getting more and more upset over her lack of compasion for giving me my due. Even though I had asked for it prior to D-Day….when it happened and her apparant lack of disregard for if we actually mean’t something to each other. The others on here told me over and over again to cut her slack, I tried, I was my own worst enemy. I would think wow I was a hobby and very disposable. The advice others gave was true however, she was and is scared and I know it now so I am able to cut her the slack for what happened. So my only advice would be what I myself was thinking prior to her calming me down was that I was going to use the anger. Don’t let it eat you up, use it by thinking what a fucking creep he is for his lack of social responsibility to give you closure. Your greatest revenge is to live well and know it yourself…in time he’ll either contact you as he should or his lack of compasion for what you thought you had will validate that he’s a douche bag and not worthy of your dwelling anylonger. I do soooo feel your pain on that level round it’s absolutly brutile on your soul. Some people can’t use anger, so my advice may be easier said than done…..I’m one who can take it and make it productive…..the more pissed off I am the more determined I become…that’s the best I’ve got for you
Thanks Peter – I try , but therapy has pointed out I am scared of anger- the end product of it. So I fear my own anger- but I am allowing it & you ate correct to use it to an advantage works- but I am not so great at it.
An I know I am better off- I would t want a man who couldn’t even find the time to say ‘hey sorry bout the baby’ …I think it’s more of a accepting that he would stoop so low. It feels really rough – but some say – he cheated on his wife – what do u expect.
I guess I expect the honesty of his words and mine – those moments of sharing stuff , most wouldn’t – to have been real and mean something from the heart – because from my shoes – I don’t just open up to Jo bloggs- it takes time to trust and know someone…that whole blurred line of …what was real- what was fake…god it’s blurred :/
Peter, IG and Round,
I relate to so much of what you are all discussing. Especially the jealousy and anger. Although he and I are not totally cold turkey, I’m so much better not hanging in wait knowing the details of his daily smothered facade of a marriage. They operated much more as a family unit than me and my husband ever have/do. Perhaps I would have been less jealous if I had more in my marriage. I realize a lot of their forced time together was due to her need to control and watch over him since Dday but he did not resist so much so really how miserable Could the time they spent be? Peter , you and I seem very much alike. For starters, you threw out on of my all time favorite derogatory phrases-douche bag;) classy I know for a female but so appropriate for many people. I like your advice to round about trying to use the anger in a positive way to build resolve and in a way, Silent revenge. What else can we do but live our lives now in the best possible way so as not to give them the satisfaction of us off pining, miserable, beaten down. The old saying “Act as if”….eventually it sticks. Fk….I’m just so damn sad and angry and angry that I’m sad. I have this vision of straightening my life out. That vision more and more includes me ending my marriage. I think it may be the only way I can escape from feeling trapped and unfulfilled. Whatever my OM does, he does but in my single life when I run into his wife again and she wants to know the truth, she gets it…every last detail of it and his house of cards comes crumbling down. Mean, yes. Spiteful, most definitely. What the douche bag and his head in the sand freak show of a wife deserve…..Absolutey. I realize this may never happen but somehow I find some peace in the fantasy.
Round, it’s unimaginable what he’s doing not living up to his responsibilities, and its true some people cannot use anger it’s just not them. Everyone on here always wonders if it was real or if it was fake, every one of them was real…..the question we ask ourselves in reality is why did I them more than they loved me. It’s a rejection in raw terms that we struggle with trying to rationalize with reasoning, but there is no reasoning with feelings. That’s why these situations are so damaging, there is no reasonable explaination regardless of the tons of articles written that state there is always a reason and if we can only find it we’ll be better and well be able to work through it. It’s all voodoo, we fall in love because we do and wanted too…….I didn’t mean for it to happen, and on the other hand I did otherwise the situation never would of gotten started in the first place. Just like I don’t think people can just fall out of love either….it just happens. Your road to recovery is much more difficult, but similar in that you can’t undo the past, live well now. Find the good things and stick close to it, funny I was feeling down last night and I decided to pop out to the grocery store. Once out there and just being among other people living their mundane lives made me feel better…..it’s always the little things.
My wife is not evil, I just don’t know…..there is no spice, I get everything I want….I crave someone with attitude and depth, someone who will challenge me too call me out when I’m being an ass. So like you I think the same thoughts, what if I was single…..Silent revenge is sometimes the best, however ya I laughed when I read your post, I thought the same thing I would tell her H more. In the end though he means nothing to me, I care not what he does with his life now or in the future. I don’t want to make somone want me because I want them too…..so in the end the revenge I have is knowing I’m living well, and I blame no others for my life. Strange but people tend to always find ways to shift blame for something to someone else. Her H is very much like that, everything that happens in their world is never his fault (or so she said which as we all know is of course bias and thus shifting blame from herself lol). Me I accept blame for my actions, it’s taken years of observation to recognize the self dense mechinisim in us that will find other reasons for a series of events. Nope my problems are not my wife’s, not my AP, and not her H……they are mine, I have a patent on all of them 
My OW and I used to convey the same thing TA mentioned…..we feel stuck.
I’d watch 
TA – I’m not sure either what my future holds, my wife and kids were out of town last night so I was home alone. I tried to imagine as if that would be acceptable me if this was permanent…..still working on that answer
Maybe we should have a reality show based on this stuff
Ha! Yes Peter definitely a reality show I’d watch and based on this weekend…I’d need an intervention from SuperNanny, Dr. Phil and maybe even Oprah. Too funny. They would all have their work cut out for them dealing w/ me and my issues. I agree Peter, they are all mine and I own them and recognize them fully. Blaming my husband for not meeting my needs is a cop out. I’m sure I haven’t met his much the last 18 mo but I do believe I tried harder once upon a time. Now I just run through the rat race and put on a happy face. My young son asked me the other day why I look sad alot?? Wow- wake up call!! My kids need my head in the game completely and if I’m being honest, it has not been much the past year and a half. What’s the saying… ” happy wife, happy life”. I have not been that and perhaps will never be in this stagnant scenario/ marriage. Focusing on decisions now. I must. Whatever they are, thy need to be for the betterment of my life and my kids. Maybe staying stays quo is it for now and seeing where it all goes but I’d be lying if I said I did not miss my “me time” which was largely rooted in my relationship w OM before. So what’s the after gonna be? Training for myvtriathalons, 1/2 marathons…more work…distractions. Sigh. Quiet on the blog front this weekend my friends. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!
Hi friends -
Great weekend finishing the project at work with my husband. Huge success. We’re finished. Sad to see t done for lots of reasons – not the least of which having to do with how it brought me and my husband so close together again.
It’s been a little difficult this week, I have to admit, as it’s the anniversary of meeting the X (March 22 2011 to be exact) & by early April our affair had started up. I’ve been a little distracted – i find myself thinking of him…. It’s a drag… but it’s not nearly as painful as it used to be. Time heals.
Hope everybody is doing well…
~Zoe
Hey TA. round, and Peter…..I had a busy weekend….had two conferences back to back the last two weeks, and returned to a full week’s work…..I had also been hanging back a little to let others post. I tend to be a prolific writer. I was reflecting today about how all our APs sounded similar in many ways. I wondered how we all got here. I mean, none of our APs sounds like a real “gem”. They are as deeply flawed as we are….perhaps that is just another lesson. Oh I know, my OM was “perfect” for me…if you don’t count the inaccessibility, the little lies he told, his ease with having this affair, his seeming lack of remorse at his wife’s distress (I got only a glimpse of that in the only Vmail that made it out following D Day). Time and distance are helping. I still love him in that inexplicable way, but his hold over me is gone. I used to “feel” him thinking of me, lips tingling when he sent me a kiss, more interesting sensations when he was sending me sexual thoughts. Haven’t felt him in weeks, figure he has released me. As you have all said, I guess my fear is that he will simply move on with his life as if I never existed, and I am left to remember the love alone….I found a memento of an old lover–omigosh, easily 25++ years ago….I just smiled at the memory. It was never as intense as what I had with my MM…..I hope one day to just smile at these times….I will I know. As to my husband, the distance between us is obvious and I think others are starting to notice it. We remain civil and friendly. Who is to say what will happen next? I understand you Peter, TA, WSB very well…..I loved my spouse dearly early on, but that was so long ago……Staying put makes sense for now but I can’t defer a decision forever.
I am eager to hear how Zoe’s weekend went. She is our “poster child” and pace-setter. I am content to be a part of this pack.
IG
OOPs, the posts must have crossed in time. Thanks, Zoe, for posting. Am glad to hear it went well with your husband. I know I had been thinking quite a bit of my lover today. Nearly a year ago, we started taking excursions 1-2 hours out of town on little jaunts. The sun, the beautiful day, other things brought those memories rushing back to me. I still miss him, but as you say, it is is better. 139 days since DDay. Each day upright is a good day.
I had an ok weekend, I recognize right now I have no zest for life….I’m not totally withdrawn however I just don’t find an enthusiam in things, almost like I don’t have any goals ??? My family was out of town for the weekend so I had too much alone free time, I dwelled ALOT. Even knowning the impossibility of me having a life with her I dwellled….although I did wrestle in practising how to fold fitted sheets….which I think I understand now btw
TA – I too have been in void of ‘me time’ and I too tried harder once upon a time in my marriage. My wife has recognized for sometime that I’m not happy, we’ve had a couple deep discussions over the last 6 months. I expressed my mid life crisis confusion on if I want to remain married. She’s really scared right now so she’s giving me space and actually stepping up to the plate with the kids more than ever. I don’t want to crush her future hopes, of which I think her only desire is to have a new custom built home….I however in my infinate wisdom know if she gets it, she will bunker down and turn it into a unfriendly place, so neat and tidy that no one will feel comfortable living there…..and she will for sure strike the death blow to my feelings. She is her mother, and I can’t stand her mother lol….don’t get me wrong I enjoy a well run household, it’s hard to explain….. Right now I exist solely for my kids, although I’m at best not the greatest at being in the present for my kids. In our relationship I always recognized my shortcommings with regards to being an involved parent. When we first were together my youth thought she was my opposite and would be the kind nuturing type and she was at first….I should of listened to the old advice that if you want to look at the future look in the past, she is turning exactly the same as her mother did to her. Now as time has passed I resent that I have to be, and I have to remind her that her children need her understanding at times, they require her time……and that my friends is what’s killing my marriage. Maybe it makes sense to some, maybe it doesn’t but to me it’s the essence of my feelings. I too think I will stay status quo, I will because I have no idea what else to do at this point in time….also knowing that perhaps as time passes I perhaps will get back some ambition I used to have. My AP likes to run too….so it must be a good distraction.
Zoe – You seem to be putting your engery to work, positive distractions are the best thing….when the distraction is less we all seem to drift to memories….
IG – My OW better never forget me
I don’t believe yours will either….I know girls who I used to crush on from highschool that still remember I had crushes on them….so I’m sure it’s never forgotten. I too admit I have the same fear, will they move on easier than me ? It depends on the distractions they have in their life….if they had down time for an affair you can bet they’re dwelling as well…love, lust or otherwise. My family knows I’m not happy in my marriage, her family thinks I’m the perfect husband….fuck….I hate anyone thinking that of me.
Tomorrow is back to work always a good distraction…..glad to read all your updates.
I thought of a question I had last night on our similarities…..it looks to me like the majority of us here have spouses that don’t know (or didn’t), and we seem to be in low conflict type marriages whereas our AP’s appear to be in higher conflict type situations.
I know for me that’s exactly correct, my marriage is seems very much so much more low conflict…in comparison to my OW…
Just a thought I had to throw out there to see.
Peter what an interesting observation and great question. Since none of us were in the actual primary discovery end I’m guessing the fireworks were perhaps a little less. I can’t remember Zoe’s story all that clearly. Probably the person who experiences the primary blowup is busy apologizing and agreeing to No Contact, so any eMails/blogging/chats to unknown websites would be verboten (thus we don’t have the oppressed discovered parties well represented here). I’m thinking things are different at “ground zero”, but I will say my husband would probably do one of two things if DDay had hit here first (and heaven knows I wasn’t all that careful….): he would either pack it in and leave fairly quietly or opt to work on the marriage without a lot of drama. I am a fairly strong personality, so the shenanigans that your OW had to endure sure wouldn’t happen here. My H knows better than to throw his weight around and would not be making heavy demands nor calling AP. I now believe he knows more than I first thought. Of course any surveillance he has put in currently shows only that I am working through the aftermath, and No Contact is in effect. Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past him to have loaded a keystroke counting program on my computer….if he has there has been No discussion of same….
IG
Oops, and I believe that some us haven’t had a DDay at all……
hmmmm ya same here, I haven’t been super careful…..and the symptoms I’ve been exhibiting all the tell tale signs. I too have a strong personailty, I don’t think I would of agreed to anything except thinking about it lol…..Not that I’m in charge, I’m just simply not someone that buries my head in the sand. The fireworks would of been for a brief period of time, at most it would of opened a dialog into where to go from here…..Just a curious similarity, how the people we chose seem to cave much easier than we may have ? I just don’t believe I would coward like that…I would face it head on if it came out.
I had always told my AP that if I were discovered first, I was NOT going to give him up…..I don’t believe he had the same vehemence in his corner. He kindof said that but I didn’t actually believe him…….good thing, huh? It’s just as well it blew up on his end first. That way, it ended quickly and with a whimper (on my end at least, I’m guessing there was a BANG! in his household)…
hahaha ditto I expressed the same, she never really said what she would do….always kind of avoided any and all of the ‘what if’ talk. I do know that all her family was informed of her extra curricular activies by him….lol that actually made me laugh, I though how weak is that ! I don’t think calling for backup would actualy help repair feelings, but hey thats me.
Hey…….
I have experienced D-Day on my end. My husband discovered my affair 4 months in. It was HELL. My X had no D-day on his end with the woman he was living with but he did initiate a break-up with her and moved out after our affair was discovered by my husband. He realized through our affair that he needed to end his relationship. I know that was a painful process for him as they have a two year old and the break-up was very difficult for his girlfriend.
I can tell you that when D-day happened at my house it was a MESS and really difficult to know what to do. I was in a kind of shock. Everything suddenly changed. It was impossible to live in denial of what I was doing anymore. I had TWO men in my life who were hurting because of me. It was really difficult – to nearly impossible – to deal with BOTH relationships at once. I knew it was imperative for me to focus on what was happening between me and my husband. It wasn’t easy to find space & time to talk to my X. My husband was extremely hurt – ultra sensitive – and I had to be very careful about taking risks that would make our very tenuous situation even worse. When he found out it became so very clear to me that my relationship with him was the PRIMARY relationship and I needed to do everything I could to deal with the mess I had made of our relationship and the pain I had caused him. It was essential for me to take responsibility for what I had done. I knew it would be foolish for me to consider entering into another committed relationship (with my X or ANYBODY) without examining what went wrong in my marriage.
All of THAT was going on in me while at the same time I was completely devastated & wildly attached to my X lover emotionally & physically – and those feelings didn’t just go away. I was in huge conflict ALL the time. I was obsessed with him. Always looking for ways to make contact. It took me five months after d-day to finally end the affair for good. I was just completely hooked in with my X physically & emotionally and it was torture trying to end the thing. I’m not proud of that. I wish now that I had ended it immediately and not dragged it out for so long. It didn’t do either of us any good to drag it out. I think ending it was going to be torture no matter when it happened – and in terms of finally healing – I now KNOW – the sooner the better.
Just wanted to offer a perspective from one who has had it all blow up at home.
Zoe
Thank you Zoe: I couldn’t remember your story as thoroughly as I should. You have been an inspiration to us through your postings and your taking action to work on your marriage–the primary relationship in your life. Thank you for pointing out that ending the relationship quickly is the better way to go. Such suffering in the name of finding love and learning a lesson…..
Zoe, I actually thought of you yesterday. In the course of my work, I had to drive past an old meeting place for me and the OM. I was irrationally worried about seeing a vehicle like his (didn’t want to repeat my stunt from weeks before). I found myself “shouting” at him that he didn’t “own” that part of the city. My city. My quadrant of the city. I am a native and he had moved here later in his life. It was somewhat therapeutic. I recall that you had used anger to help detach from your OM…..It wasn’t anger per se, just staking my claim on my life.
And last night, a dream…..not about my AP, but Tom Hanks…..Rita Wilson needn’t worry…….;)
IG
Very interesting comments about the majority of us not having the Dday happen on our end and what would happen if it did. Ther eWorld likely be no forgiveness or working it out on my end as that’s probably because neither of us care enough to do it. My husband is a controlling person even though I am not easily controlled. He can also be downright vicious in a fight so needless to say, it would not be pretty but there is no way that I could enter into a life of restriction and being watched over like a hawk for the rest of my life just to sve my marriage. Absolutely no way! I would have to way more in love and desparate not to lose my h than I am to go down that road and the fact I matte is that I’m not any of those things which is why I’ve been so brazen really w my affair So when I think of all the times my AP has cowered and bowed down to his wife I have to wonder if there really is no love there as he stated. How could he allow his you know what’s to be chopped off and put in a jar otherwise? Doesn’t add up right?
Hmmm Zoe it’s hard for me to put myself in your place, and maybe it’s what a few of us are trying to understand. When D-Day on her side happened I was in shock wondering how much would come out and I was super worried about what if my wife found out….what would I do…well every day that has passed since I’m less and less worried, and in some regards I think parts of me would welcome it. Not because I want to hurt anyone, I still love my wife but as crazy as it sounds I feel like I’m being restrained from grieving with the threat of exposure. I feel like a coward for not bringing it forward myself, I’m trying to give myself space so that if in time wether it comes out by my hand or someone else’s that my current emotional state doesn’t pull the trigger. I don’t volunteer the affair for the same reasons I would never disclose all the ‘real’ reasons why I’m unhappy in my marriage. The plain truth is I’m not satisfied in my marriage I don’t need to destroy another person’s self esteem by telling them all the things I feel they could of done better. Never mind that even if she did all the ‘right’ things I can’t say I wouldn’t have been in this position….too many variables that you just can’t guess about.
I read a few interesting blogs \ fourms on exposure of affairs……I laughed at these discussions, they were talking like the cheating spouse was under mind control. Exposure to family and friends was mandatory to help hold them accountable to shake them out of their fantasy affair. First thoughts I had were, what would my family do ? ummmmmm nothing, tell me I’m bad ? And friends LMAO….well yaaaa so now your going to loose a good percentage to indifference and not wanting to take sides, your good friends will do nothing other than ignore it, and what are you left with……ahh the busy body friends that gossip and like the drama and their the ones you could live without anyhow. I control no one, and no one control me…..again I never want to make someone want me, which is what this to me is. I would LOVE to see some honest stats on how well any of this tough love methods really works.
Zoe what I envy about you is that you’re making a choice, that to me gives me hope for myself. You were forced to make a choice and you seem to be embracing that choice rather than being bitter or second guessing it.
I should say, I know affairs are fantasy not based in reality…and I did agree with some points of the exposure methods….one is that it keeps the cheaters from ignoring reality and it interferes with intmacy building. I personally just think for me it’s a control freak’s dream….that in my world would crumble fast…..matter of fact I would NEVER have a relationship with a person capable of that crap in the first place.
Peter, I’m glad to hear you say that you still love your wife. That is a very hopeful sign that you could re-build and reconnect. Yeah I agree that disclosure of your affair would not be good if the only outcome would be to devastate your spouse. You know, if you were to tell her about all the things she could have done better, I bet she’d have a list for you as well (
). I know my husband would have a long list of things to complain about. And you are right (as is TV)…..people who are content in their marriages do not stray. Guess that restlessness is common to all of us who post here.
Am having a setback kind of day. Don’t why so many reminders are crowding in…probably the beautiful weather and memories of some amazing times together with my AP. I am unwilling to let him (OM) go, and that is holding me back. My bad. I’m thinking of writing him a letter and then burning it. I need to release him so I can work on the rest of my life, but just that _tiny_ bit of hope keeps me from doing it. WTF?????????
IG
Yes my list would be worse than hers…..nahhh that isn’t possible
So IG I’ve read some post a while back that you love your husband (I think I read it), what’s standing in your way from re-building and reconnecting ? To answer that myself, I know I could sort of…..it’s not hard to resettle into my life as it is….even outside of my AP I’m not sure my wife fullfills me. Such a broad statement but that’s just it, I feel no passion for her. I’m tired of being the exciting force in my marriage (or at least I was), she is who she is and I’ve tried to tell her in many ways but it does not seem to register…..sigh.
It’s tough to let our other interest go, I don’t think I ever really will. What are we hanging onto that we hope will happen ? I can say that I’m starting to get tired of thinking of my OW, it’s almost an anger thing again……but the anger isn’t as bad, it seems easier to let go of this anger and almost shrug it off. If my OW does contact me again, I’m going to ask her straight up…why? Does she believe it’s over ? I know somewhat what she will say. She’ll tell me that it’s over for now, the timing isn’t right, and that she doesn’t know what else to do. But all that said she still hasn’t said goodbye……maybe she’s got a little hope left too?
I am “fond” of him…..I would like to feel as if I loved him. You know, I was thinking earlier about your loving your wife and the OW. I learned from TV that it is possible to love two people at once–and I used to complain to myself that two men, two lives was wearing me down. Now that my source of “drug” love is gone, I am looking at my husband and trying to figure out exactly what we have. Something comfortable, something successful from a societal standpoint. Warmth, collegiality (we are also in similar professional fields), a shared history. No passion here either. I have posted that I know the man I fell in love with is “in there somewhere”, but where is the girl that fell in love with him? I made a safe choice years ago and am paying for it now. Is it enough to “resettle” into your “life as it is” (your words Peter)? I envy Zoe who is further down the pathway than I…..I am slowly getting there. Just have to have faith and decide to “make the choice” to love as Zoe has……
IG
Ig- your words and peter’s about settling back in to life as it is haunt me. I’m going through professional and personal disappointments right now that make me feel I need to overhaul everything before its too late. I’m still under 40….skirting the mid-life crisis time zOne….wondering what the next move is to excel, prosper and find happiness at the next turn. Sadly, I am fairly certain that nOne of the above can be achieved with my husband w/o intervention and counseling and a lot of other bs that I simply lack the desire to put effort into right now. What’s best for my young children? I suppose the easy answer to that is to stay and live out our facade lifestyle of private schools, country clubs and plastered smiles. Then sleeping in separate rooms, communicating only for kids etc etc. it’s so sad. But the love of my life can only tell me he’s not sure where he will be in 1 year, 5, 10….he has decided to leave that up to her. He would not protest if she ever pulled the trigger and divorced him but he cannot find the conscience to do it himself….too much guilt and reputation at stake. We re still communicating and he is still stringing me along. Tonight I got the email that he has cried for days over thoughts of me/us. Go pound sand is what I want to tell him. Never contact me again is what I say in my mind bubble but can never get the words out. Help! Sos! Peter, tell me I’m a fool in extraordinary proportions…I need to hear that from the other side as well as my female comrades
Oh Tryagain, so heartbreaking to read your post. Yup, need to let Peter weigh in on this one, but it sounds as if your AP is not going to commit to you…..he is deferring to his wife, who as you say, is holding him down.Such a convenient excuse. I think that TV stated somewhere in his blog that a decision soon is better than dragging it out for years (although you can see I’m no one to judge by). You sound as if you are young enough to start over. Who was it talked about children doing better with parents in different houses than having the parents together battling it out in perpetuity?? It would be sad to live the rest of your life trapped in a loveless marriage. Do you think your spouse would do counseling? I haven’t given mine the chance to speak up yet….
IG
Oh, and I wish for you your “inside thoughts” could get out of the mind bubble and cut him loose. He is not doing right by you!!!!
TA – your not a fool, or if you are you’re not alone. “But the love of my life can only tell me he’s not sure where he will be in 1 year, 5, 10….he has decided to leave that up to her. He would not protest if she ever pulled the trigger and divorced him but he cannot find the conscience to do it “…..this speaks volumes, and we ALL are in this boat. My AP and I had the same conversation, esp since our mantra seemed to be ‘we’re not ready yet’ and we both said it. Many times she would tell me intially that she never thought of divorce or leaving her hubby. This confused me, how could she want me and him ? When we did have our first and only face to face week, and after the first kiss……from then on that changed. She then began to think of us as being exclusive but she stated many times he had to leave her, she did not want to leave him. I chewed on that logic for a LONG time, I thought the same for myself why can’t I just walk out the door. The reason is simple, we’re human and no one wants to be the bad guy. If our spouse gives up and pulls the plug our little egos feel we can wash our hands of it. While in the affair the pleasure of it overrides our common sense but we haven’t left the security of what we have. So this is what having your cake and eating too means, we begin to disconnect from our partners more, but we still don’t want to be the bad guy. I think your right, he’s too worried about the fall out…..so are we…..we don’t have faith to take the risk, and as I’ve said before most of us here truly feel we loved our AP more than they loved us. We have been the enablers in most cases and we want them to show us and take the bullet first. This isn’t the advice your looking for, you don’t need to tell him to pound sand….put your ultimatum out there, keep doing it. If you want him to prove his love tell him you need him to prove it… and if that is what you truly want then keep asking it of him …….if you keep getting the run around you will eventually grow tired of the bullshit and it will force him to face the reality of what you want…..if he can’t be the bad guy to his wife, you have to make him the bad guy to you……The only other route is for you to take the risk first, it’s a gamble no two ways about it…..This advice sucks by the way
So easy to say not so easy to do….but it’s the truth. My affair would of ended long ago if I lived closer to her, and yes I would of been the bad guy and taken the risk first….my heart wanted her that bad….if she hesitated…she would of been in the rear view mirror.
Hi everyone…
So – the poet Adrienne Rich died yesterday. I love her poetry – so I started looking at it again…. found this poem. ( i will post it below) I am having this overwhelming urge to send it to my X. I fear that it’s a relapse kind of thought – it freaks me out. I am going to post the poem here…. and am going out for the evening with my husband – so there’s no danger of me following through on this impulse TONIGHT – but I’m wondering about iit and could use your feedback/support. Wondering why this thought of sending him the poem is even showing up. I do find myself thinking about him more these days at it was all happening this time last year. I am feeling weirdly challenged… wanting to send the poem for some kind of closure… but see how sending it seems to OPEN it up again…. screwed up thinking… and I gotta run… so… no time to explain further.
Here’s the poem. i think it sums up a lot of what i have felt these days of letting go.
For the Dead
I dreamed I called you on the telephone
to say: Be kinder to yourself
but you were sick and would not answer
The waste of my love goes on this way
trying to save you from yourself
I have always wondered about the left-over
energy, the way water goes rushing down a hill
long after the rains have stopped
or the fire you want to go to bed from
but cannot leave, burning-down but not burnt-down
the red coals more extreme, more curious
in their flashing and dying
than you wish they were
sitting long after midnight
Adrienne Rich
Oh Zoe, I am also having a resurgence of desire for my OM…..I don’t have quite the anniversary reason you do, but the weather is bringing up memories for me. I see reminders of him everywhere, and it is hard. Yes, I know it is OVER, but as I have said, have chosen to harbor a little piece of senseless, useless, mindless, ridiculous hope……..
This poem is beautiful, but I believe that it would re-open the conversation and could put you back in the relationship. I guess I have to agree with TV explorer that if your husband knew you were sending eMails to your AP. that he would be deeply wounded, particularly as you two had a great weekend together completing a task. I think it is fabulous that you are going out with your husband. We just need to build new memories to supersede (and no, not eradicate) the old……..Good luck, my friend. You are my hero.
IG
I too am fighting feelings of wanting to hear her voice today…..I am dwelllllllllinnnnng alot. I put my wedding band back on the other day, and I’ve tried being a tiny bit more fun like I used to be with my wife. I feel dirty I feel like I’m cheating doing these things….For whatever reason since my OW has not attempted any type of contact since last week I think my spirts are a little crushed and curious about how she’s doing. I know her kids start their spring break and usually this means her H also takes time off for them to do family stuff. I really fought contact today…..still fighting it….I must fight it…..but damn it’s hard. To top it off I came home from work today and my wife had the day off, when I got home she was cleaning…..and getting upset with the kids for being in her way while she worked. I know it’s normal but when she does it, it takes everything in my being to tell her to chill out and refrain from getting mad at her…..it’s just the tone she takes…. it really gets under my skin, and so now I think of my OW as I type…
Sigh two steps forward one step back.
Ig, Peter and Zoe,
Your posts are wonderful. The understanding I receive and wisdom of all of your words help so much. Truly. We all need to find ways to let go of the pain and longing. Sometimes seems impossible. Other times feels like it should be simple. Especially when I spell it all out here…my only safe haven. I know he has made the decision to exist in status quo. It’s hard to swallow. Only thing I think I can do now to save my last scraps of self respect is tell him to leave me alone and hope that it causes him some regret… At least for a day or so. We made many promises to each other and they all have been broken. I regret now wearing my heart on my sleeve the way I did but hope someday to find the sense in it all.
Zoe- I understand your desire to send him the poem so well. For me and my AP, music was often our soul connection. Lyrics of songs that would seem like us. I hear songs often that I want to tell him to listen to or send the lyrics to. I resist. It’s just me opening up my heart more and I cannot do that any longer. It’s wasted and lost on him. Sigh. I’m so agitated and unsettled. It’s not me…not who I ever was. So the person who I tried to believe brought out the best in me continues to bring out the worst. This is what I need to focus on as to why closure needs to be. I need to try to get my self and self esteem back. And so my blog name suggests…I keep trying again and again and again. One Of these days, I’ll get it right
Oh TA you ARE getting it right….every day we move forward is a day of progress. I had to smile at Peter’s two steps forward and one back….this week has been the “step back”. I got hooked again by another song–last time it was “But Not for Me” Ella Fitzgerald. This week…..One Eskimo’s Song Kandi, which I think has Candi Staton’s Song “He Called Me Baby” layered in….If you look up the lyrics to Kandi, it is a conversation between a man and woman about her affair….so haunting, cut to the quick, visceral…..Keep posting people, we ARE making progress, inch by inch, step by step, heartbeat by heartbeat….
IG
hey all…
Thanks for the support. I didn’t send the poem. I don’t know what i was thinking. Smoking crack? Today, I can’t believe I actually considered sending that poem. Talk about OPENING THE CAN OF WORMS all over again. i think the fact that it was EXACTLY this time of year last year that I was “falling” for him is making me start to DWELL on him/it again. All kinds of triggers…. the weather…. the calendar…. his birthday is coming up…. I’d love to hear his voice… man, it can be rough.
I am glad i resisted, as I KNOW it would have set me back in all kinds of ways to have sent it. If he didn’t respond at all, I’d obsess about that. If he DID respond, I’d be hooked back into the exchange of feelings all over again and would have to do the work of extracting myself and detaching. There’s just NO WAY! I don’t want to go backwards… that way madness lies. I’m glad I have this forum in which to share my CRAZY impulses – I post it HERE – have you people to whom I knew I’d have to answer – and that REALLY HELPS me NOT to do such self destructive behaviour. Thank you thank you thank you. I really believe there’s strength in numbers here. Also, I’m beginning to think I have a self destructive streak. What is up with THAT???!!!
Thanks, Island girl for reminding me of my dear sweet husband’s perspective. I learn more & more every day how HUGELY loved I am by him. I have never known love like that- didn’t know it was possible. I recognize my marriage now as THE REAL THING and not the fantasy/game i was in with my X. Not even close. It is fascinating though, how these irrational feelings creep in regardless and mess with my head. It’s starting to feel like a weird form of self sabotage.Gotta explore that more, I think.
TryAgain, you talked about how sending stuff like a song or a poem – that used to be so meaningful between us, at this point, may be lost or wasted on him. I relate to that, too. At this point I really can’t say that he would appreciate that poem in the way that I would “need” him to. Maybe he’s WAY past all this, and maybe that’s good. Or, maybe he’s as vulnerable as I am and it’d be unfair to give him the impression I wanted to open things up again. Downright unfair.
I’m really trying to shift it all into the “spiritual” realm – make it an exercise in “right action” as the Buddhists would say. “Doing unto others as I would have done unto me” is how the Christians might say the same thing. A form of “sacred service” my Hindu friend calls it. If you’re Jewish, you might say it’s a kind of Mitsvah – or what your average joe might just consider “doing the right thing”, or doing a “good deed” I think, for me, it’s my personal definition of what acting out of Love means – and that’s what “God” is, for me. Anyway… spiritually speaking…. I read once that the way to redeem your “karma” is through Love. Love heals negative Karma. I think Love costs something. Love is a choice. Love is an action. Every time I act out of Love as opposed to my more selfish nature (that wants immediate gratification) – I find I feel lighter and gain more energy. It’s palpable. I can feel it.
One example is what I went through yesterday. I was really struggling.. .dwellllliiiing…. the poem made me cry…. made me think of him… I was vulnerable and in that moment of vulnerability, I thought about making contact by sending the poem. I was so tempted. I rationalized to myself how it would be a “good thing” even though I knew deep down it was not me coming from the best part of myself. Rather than giving into that, I thought about what the real LOVING thing to do would be. I came out of myself. Would it really be the “right” thing? How would my husband feel? I thought of all of you. I thought of how awful I would feel to have to tell you that I made contact again. I felt if I couldn’t do it for myself, I wanted to do it for YOU. I wanted to do it for my husband. And yes, even my X. It gave me strength. I KNEW the LOVING thing to do for all concerned was to let it be. No contact.
It was so difficult, but a conscious choice i made out of LOVE for all concerned and…. I am happy to report…. as soon as I committed to that decision i felt immediately free. Spiritually lighter. And – I feel much better today. I didn’t give in to the need for immediate gratification – hearing his voice… finding out how he’s doing..etc. I allowed myself to really feel the pain of the loss and not giving in to those ego-related needs… offered that, consciously… and moved on consciously out of love. I find it works like a charm.
So… I’m doing well, and that’s what’s been helping me. I want to continue making positive, life giving, loving choices towards ALL. You don’t have to buy what I’m saying, but I do invite you to try it and see what you find. I think we’re already doing this, in a way, but I also believe that if we decided to do this even more consciously – out of Love – for the higher good for ALL – we might gain more power to handle the challenge.
I love when Peter said:
“I’ve tried being a tiny bit more fun like I used to be with my wife.”
I think that’s a great example of what I’m talking about. We’re already doing this, each in our own way. We could commit to doing little things like that – but even more CONSCIOUSLY – out of LOVE – UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Not looking for a result. The kind of love that hangs in there even when you don’t feel it returned.. I sense that this could be a powerful thing to do together, consciously, as a group. Anyway…. maybe I sound like a hippie, or like I’m on crack (thought I WAS yesterday!) Let me know if this makes ANY sense to you and if you might be willing to experiment with doing this more consciously together and then sharing what we discover about how it’s working.
Thanks for being there…
Love…
Zoe
Wow Zoe, this is great! Making the choice. You have posted on that before. I know I have tried to behave in a more loving fashion to my husband. At least things are friendly around here. Think the grieving process is working its way through……I agree that having each other on this forum is helpful. I’m game for a collective experiment of intentional love. It certainly couldn’t hurt in my marriage…..
IG
Hey All,
Reading the latest posts, thinking….Thursday was a tough day for me, Friday and today were much better although I find I’m still unmotivated. I do the things that need to be done, and doing that actually helps and I recognize being busy keeping my mind occupied works. I guess it’s funny that even though I know it I still can’t find the ambition to do more. TryAgain I read that one part of your last post ‘Only thing I think I can do now to save my last scraps of self respect is tell him to leave me alone and hope that it causes him some regret’ This really had me thinking, do I feel like I do cause I never got to end it ? Seems to me when I had the inner strength to try and end it and feeling good about doing it she would ‘chase’ me more then I would cave. So if I was to end it leaving her feeling like she was disposable (bad word but everyone here knows what I mean), then would it be easier ? Like I said just a thought, maybe in a real vengful kinda way I would like it better that way, maybe TryAgain you should pull away and leave it while the ball is in YOUR court.
. Here’s what I’ve noticed in comparison to 4 weeks ago….I do not dwell reading old txt’s or listening to old vm, they actually are starting to bore me. They bore me because as I read them they do remind more and more of two people who were not living in reality….I don’t think about what she’s doing as much anymore, but I do wonder if she is thinking about me. I also think more about her H and how he’s doing, is he changing ? Is he holding it over her head, or has recognized the wake up call that she’s ‘settling’ for him ? lol …..see if I was him that’s where I would be hung up. In all I do feel the weight of the world getting lighter than it was 4 weeks ago.
I reflected on Zoe’s post as well, it’s true love is a choice and it’s intentional. When we start down the roads we started we did so as a choice, we wanted to dip our toes in as people have said. We figured perhaps we were in ultimate control of being able to back out anytime. Definately by choice we marched into the abyss, not knowing the outcome would cause such inner turmoil. The question of Zoe’s post on to intentionally try to re-connect with our spouses is a good one, it is probably the most logical path out of this mess. To muster the energy to dive in whole heartly I think not, me forcing myself too much too soon would be too much. Little attempts, watching the results and seeing if I can impact changes to my marriage is my goal. I also think me opening more communication with her may help, although I’ve all but spelled it out to her the things I need changed….however since we’re still raising our younglings I have time to see. I know it sounds shitty to put your spouse to the ‘test’ but it’s the only thing I can accept. The moral of the story for me is, if I’m not happy later on then at least I can say I gave it another try.
Overall I’m having a good weekend, today marks 4 weeks since D-Day, actually it’s 4 weeks and 1 day
FYI I check here all the time, so anytime you post something I see it soon after and I’m always here if anyone needs a friend.
Peter, I am SO glad to hear that things are better for you….it is just as Zoe and others have said….time does help to heal us. No, we will never forget, but the searing pain fades. Great to hear that you have made progress. I think you are still early in this process, so deciding to jump back into your marriages “whole heartedly” is not realistic. You are grieving a loss. I know.
Today I spent the entire day with one of my best friends and confidants. She graciously let me work through things again, but the emotional tone was far different this time. We are, after all, nearly 5 months post DDay. My intuitive friend feels that he is “wounded”, most likely as our relationship was ripped from both our hands. I wonder how much his betrayed spouse has put him through. Since I can’t contact him, I don’t know how she has punished him. Is their house for sale? Are they moving to her hometown? Did she make him throw out any and everything that might remind him of me? I guess I’ll never know. As TV says, the work should be on myself at this point. My side of the street.
I called my husband several times today to let him know where I was and what I was up to. Brought him some Chinese food from the restaurant where my friend and I had dinner. At the very least we are civil and kind to each other. When I got home, we had some good conversation and teased each other. It is a long way back on this journey. One step at a time.
IG
Holy cow, just wrote a very long entry and it is gone.
In short, I’ve been on the road. That comes with all of the positive and negative distraictions of being on the road. I missed you guys!
I’ve been trying to reframe how I have been thinking. Channeling Snow Leopard: I am trying to decide if I want to divorce; stay married and work on it; or come up with “an arrangment.” No 3 likely won’t fly for me. My OM worte me while I was gone. The usual – I love you; miss you etc. Peter, I might try what you suggest. Lay it on the line. But, I have done that and he says he is not leaving. I get where you Try Again. My struggle at the moment is my husband is good. Kind. Fit. Fun. Would support me and love me. So why am I so bored? Why is the sex so boring? Am I that shallow that I’d risk everything for sexual fullfullment???? Zoe, I get the issue with the poem. There’s a rush that comes with thinking about sending it. A sadness that comes from feeling it all slip away. I wonder why my OM is not sending me poems — or agonizing over whether to so. It is because he is with his wife and family. Damned. Makes me crazy.
IG, you seem bored too. I have become a junkie for “new” … how can marriage compete with that. But my sense is that being single would not bring the same rush. You’d not have the option of of fantasy. Does that mean we want to stay married. Peter, you confuse me the most. Men view love as commitment where woman seem to view it as how it makes them feel. You seem in a tough place. She seems to bug you a lot of the time but you’ve never really said you are going to leave. Just you’d leave if it doesn’t get better. Is that the same thing?
We are all plainly unhappy in our marraiges (who is really happy anyway?) are we trying to end them through destructive behavior? Is that the right way to do it? How honest should we be with our spouses about our unhappiness? I am struggling with all of this these days. I am tryijng to work on me. Find healthy avenues for fulfullment. It is not easy. How did it all get so hard?
Feel like what I have done may have caused permanent damage. I don’t feel like me. I feel strangly bolder and reckless. At the same time fragile and insecure. My OM did a job on me for sure. Told me he’d leave. Loved me. Then back tracked. But, won’t let me go. But I hold on so tightly. To as IG says … NOTHING. I would try a relationship with OM. My girl friends says if that is the case then divorce and go get him. Be single and try. It just all seems so pointless. I sense I’d be single and he’d still be married. She says I won’t know unless I try. Makes me stop cold. She says that would be authentic. I am not sure I’m able to do it. But why? Am I such a coward?
Hi All,
Lots to comment on. Zoe- I get what you are saying completely about doing/changing things out of respect for a higher level of love and spiritual fortitude. I have spOke about this before. Turning my anger and hurt into altruism…letting it all go and making the right choices for a far greater good than my weak self discipline. I’m going to try to apply this more daily. Lord knows the last think I need is to perpetuate bad karma and continuing to entertain my future w my OM while he and I are married is doing just that. He is weak on many levels perhaps more than me. He won’t stand up to his W and that will be his biggest cross to bear if he decides to live eternity with her. But I’ll tell you a quick story that reinforces for me my insecurities I’ve had over the true nature of his relationship he has with her. I recently spent some time with him…platonic really…talking. She called while we were sitting talking. I made him answer the call. He always called back in private in the past. What was e hiding? So he answered chit chatted nervously and ended the conversation quickly. It was as close to being a fly on the wall that I will ever get and what I could hear through the phone was not really the person he often describes to me but one desparate to save her marriage…calling in discussing a few mundane “life” things…one a dinner date w another couple that they had coming up on the weekend (yeah he never mentioned that to me) asked how his day was etc? It left me with a feeling I can’t describe. On one hand I was jealous bc I want him exclusively and hate the realization that he lives this other life w her. On the other hand, I was jealous that I don’t have a spouse who calls and cares abt how my day is going or what I’m up to or what our weekend plans are. I’m realizing more and more this is the bigger issue. My marriage is deeply unsatissfying. More so than any of yours I’m afraid. My H will not wake no matter how I’ve tried to. And I know it takes two to tango. I show him love and caring in indirect ways but perhaps not what he needs. I don’t believe either of us knows or cares what the other needs much lately.
Anyway, I digress. OM texted and communicated w me thought that “dinner date” last night. Telling me he hated it, the company etc. Hmmm, did he really? I wish I Coukd be a fly on the wall.
Peter, your getting stronger and more resolved. I agree I Could never live like your AP’s H..wondering did she just settle? Although, it’s kind of what we are doing with our spouses…settling…just different with the knowledge our AP’s spouses have. I could not live that way. Not for a minute. I think you would feel better if you had been the one to end it but of you are anything like me, cold turkey would have been rough and I’m not sure you would have stayed NC with her so everything happens as it should perhaps.
My scenario is tough bc he was caught yet can still manage to continue this bc he clearly lacks any respect for her. Considering that a lot lately how. About how this is really truly unfair to her. So I should be more spiritual and kind and the bigger person etcetc. What does it say about me that I find that so challenging?
WSb- good to have you back. You are not alone and we have not all healed ourselves miraculously since you have been gone:) you and I are very similar in that we are being string along. I believe your Ap and my OM love and want us but what will they do about it???? I may take the leap and leave my h simply bc it’s not working very well at all and we are both unhappy and out kids are noticing it. Will that result in me getting my OM? I have no idea. And won’t that be more devastating than anything. Wow! The restraint that I’d have to exhibit to not drop a bomb On his facade would be enough to kill me. I know it sounds vicious but boy oh boy! Sigh another day ahead. Lots to do. Distractions. Distractions. Have a beautiful day everyone!
Wow! A day for long posts…..I don’t know where to start….TryAgain: I get the phone call thing. He never took a call from his wife while we were together. He had said if she called he would speak to her in another room. I didn’t understand why until much later. I thought it was because I would be distracting him. I have realized it was because he would be speaking to her in a loving fashion and he didn’t want me to know his marriage was better than portrayed (still not perfect as he was betraying her). I know that men can completely compartmentalize their lives. Guess they can do that with their loves too. Women tend to be more global and diffuse. I always carried a part of my OM with me, even when with my husband. Yeah, OM would tell me that all those “wonderful” occasions–the galas, neighborhood parties, dinners–with his wife were not fun. Really? Let ME try!!!
WSB: it could be “boredom”, but I think it is more disengagement from my husband. I do not feel loving towards him. Yeah I know, the blogs all say don’t wait for the feeling, just act “as if”, but is that “authenticity” to “fake it until I make it”? And intimacy? that is the casualty of the affair. If there were only one thing he needed to point to that is it.
Yesterday my girlfriend asked me about how the relationship with OM was different, how it met my needs. It was if he gave me my youth back. We could sit and talk for hours, didn’t really need sex. It was a lot like dating someone: you have already decided you like them and want to explore, but you are not yet in the “daily slog” as in a strongly committed marriage. Yeah, fantasy and the fun stuff, but not something you could count on in a crisis. Right, everybody? I would love for my husband to call me mid-day, to text me a little “hi”, to sit down and just discuss some event, to read a chapter from a book while we are in bed (oh yeah, the sex too!). OM looked at me, touched me, played with me, stimulated me. Why can’t marriage have that too? Actually I am aware there are marriages out there like that, so why can’t MY marriage have that too? I married a safe choice. In fact, picked my husband precisely because I was TIRED of the crazy serial dating scene, so while he (H) was charming, he was none of the things that OM brought to me. Perhaps it was boredom after all……..And yes, OM has baggage–plenty of it. As do I. I am quite sure even if OM were freed that he would not return to me but go find a new blossom to sip.
So I need to tell my husband I am unhappy and to see where he wants to go from here. I am assuming he would want to work on the relationship, so why am I dragging my feet? Afraid he will confront me with what he knows? (at least would get some of this energy out on the table) Would I be pulling the trigger on the marriage and starting the long difficult road to divorce? Isn’t that what I want anyway? Looks like I still have self reflection to do…….
IG
And TA: “My scenario is tough bc he was caught yet can still manage to continue this bc he clearly lacks any respect for her. Considering that a lot lately how. About how this is really truly unfair to her. ” I wrestle with this…..if your (and my) OM lacks respect for his wife, how can we trust that he would treat you better? The respectful thing to do would be to tell her he isn’t happy and leave “with integrity” ( my friend explains that is doing it on the basis of the marriage not working and not involving a third person–meaning ap)
Hello Ladies,
Just sipping some coffee and reading, just thought I’d point out some things….my OW never liked me to hear her talk to her H either. In fact even when we were in the hotel room and he called she left to the bathroom with the door closed so I don’t think it’s a ‘man’ thing. Me on the other hand I had no problem dealing with my spouse in the same situation. My OW had admited to me that she was able to compartmentalize him vs me, her explaination as I understood it was that she had been ‘fake’ with him for so long that it was just second nature. Was it bullshit ? Maybe, the jury is still out, however she always told me the reason was she did not like to talk to him when I could hear so it didn’t hurt me. I believe that, I think she did talk to him in a loving fashion, but knowing the pieces of what she had told me about him he was very needy for her to be like that. She told me he was bipolar and if she didn’t do things a certain way he just became more of an ass. Perhaps she overplayed it, but the fact that a good portion of us had the same thing happen and our AP spouses seemed to be the dominate force in their relationships probably gives rational to your situations as well. I’m giving my AP the benefit of the doubt on this, and I think perhaps that is one thing about her marriage she hated. She hated having to walk on eggshells and with me she could be more fun, free….I never cut her down, we talked like best friends. A best friend even in her real world that she could never have, I told her often I felt like her life appeared to be soooo fake to me. Had to have the outward appearance of the happy family yet and I think she herself put this pressure on more than he did. As a matter of since he did expose our relationship to all their family not sure if it even stopped there, he might of exposed it to friends too. Or maybe that’s the threat that he’ll do next ? Since she put all this pressure on to look perfect to the outside world, her achilles heal is something he cares less about and thus she’s done it to herself. We all have this fear, but perhaps we on here are all a little different in that little pieces of us would be more willing to take the shunning from friends and family to go after what we believed would make us happy. Maybe it’s a personality thing not a man thing, and maybe what you brought to the table was for your AP to be more of themselves or who they wanted to be vs the poster couple for marriages everywhere.
Next I think I want to address another thought, WSB yes you need to lay it on the line. What I really mean by this is that you have to decide if you want your current marriage, IG’s friend is right….and it’s exactly how I feel. If my marriage is going to survive or end (fail is a bad word) it’s going to be because it’s what I want not because it what I believe I will gain. It’s soo tough for me to picture getting a divorce and then not being able to have my OW as the result or prize. I would have to leave the marriage ready to face the world on my own, then and only then if I’m at peace with that idea could I even consider another relationship. That’s our issue, what do we want….you cannot leave your spouse with the expectation that your AP is going to rescue you or that you move from one to the other. That would be a disaster waiting to happen anyhow, think about it, all the fallout from the divorce would be more pressure and shit in any new relationship. Imagine the fallout and baggage if you tried to build something new while you both were not even finished (or even on the last chapter) of the previous one. Sure just like in the movies we and our AP would ideally rescue each other and fight the world together to live happily ever after……the ONLY way it would ever work is let go, be at peace with how your marriage succeeds or ends and then stand up look around and see when the dust settles if your ‘true love’ is there too. And that is what I always mean’t by taking the bullet first…..and that is what I’m going to figure out. I’m going to try in my marriage again, I’m going to ‘test’ my feelings….
WSB – you commented that I confuse you…..don’t feel bad I confuse on contradict myself all the time
I’m never sure how to answer anything about how ‘most men’ act. Here’s my take on marriage, I fell in love with an idea….an idea of what life is supposed to be. Part of that idea was my concept of what marriage is, warped as it may be. When I met my wife I was 24 and a woman I loved very much married another guy. My curse most of my young life was that the girls I liked were not interested in me. So one day when at a party I met my future wife, she was only 18 at the time….and I had a partial interest in her, I would say she had a partial interest in me too 
We started dating and within 6 months moved in together. A few months later she got pregnant, and her parents wanted us to get married. I wasn’t sure, even then but I used the excuse that I didn’t want my daughter to be the reason we’d get married. I was NEVER going to be the guy to get married because people wanted me to. Well around the same time all my wives sisters began getting engaged and fuck the pressure (and competition) was on……that is how my story began in a nutshell. At this time my view on marriage was it WAS a contract…a contract for what two people believe each other is and will be responsibile for. My wife did an amazing sales job of telling me what an involved mother she was going to be and be the total opposite of her mother. And I was going to work and provide and protect and be the ‘man’….so I thought ok lets get married. She wanted more kids, why not…..she’s going to be super mom…..so we had two more. I was doing what I thought I needed to do, provide….I started getting pissed off when I would hear her talk to others about how much ‘she’ does and what was inferred was how little I did. I had numerous talks with her than I didn’t like being portrayed as a deadbeat. I was as involved as I could be while trying to build my career, and the more we went along this path the same shit kept coming back to me. I HATED IT…..when company would come over (esp her family) they’d almost taunt me about it. What she would leave out is that she never did things with the kids other than constantly clean around them. When she would go out to the store, she couldn’t take the kids with her….it was too much she needed ‘a break’. Long story short, she’s broke her end of the ‘contract’ in my mind…..on multiple levels. So WSB to anwser your question yes most ‘men’ view marriage as a commimitment but more prescisely I viewed it as a contract. What I need my wife to change is her attitude, period…..and good news is I think she has 
I just hope it’s not a short lived because she’s worried kinda change…..and that’s my fear about me trying again, BUT I need to in order to know for sure…..and that’s my goal.
Ok long post, sorry…let me re-read more posts to see if I got it all out here
Just to add, I would never lay all this on my wife as my reasons or excuse for the affair or for leaving. 1 there is no excuse for the affair, HOWEVER I’m not going to feel guilt about it for the rest of my life, I don’t roll like that
I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life ALL of them have made me who I am in the end and for that I will never be sorry……I like me 
2 If I did decide to end my marriage it would be based on a simple truth of ME not being happy in the marriage, not me dumping on her for all what I feel she’s done to change anything. I absolutly refuse to tear her down regardless of my feelings, I will do my best to minmize any impact as much as I can on her ego and well being IF it ever came to that. We are being self destructive in our marriages when in our affair minds, because we use that logic to make our AP out to be better for us than what we have….our marriages have failed us each for our own reasons. My affair has taught me things about myself that I would never had known without her, insights to why her marriage from me and insights from her into mine. Those same insights are helping me understand perhaps where my wife’s mindset is or was and what I can do to help either recover it or not.
My situation is different in that there is a distance and different countries at play, which makes me able to disconnect a little easier than some of you since you are in much closer proximity. Distance or not the feelings and ideas are still the same…..
Hi friends….
I just need to vent…. The feelings that come up around this affair are endless. I’ve been having floods of emotion lately about & around my X – you know…. anniversary time…. I’ve said it before & I feel like a broken record…this time of year is proving to be difficult. I hate that I keep thinking about him. It’s so irrational. I KNOW I don’t REALLY want to be with him. I can’t seem to help it.
I seem to need to sort through what happened last year at this time. It seems I’m ready to look at it a bit more closely. I’m also getting whole new waves of feeling around what it is about my life I was “resisting” “avoiding” or trying to “escape” by focusing on the affair. Painful stuff having to do with accepting adult mature responsibility – the less exciting parts of life… growing up…facing mortality – and my resistance to all of that.
I’m young at heart… always have been – always will be, I guess… free spirit – fun loving… a little wild – my husband knew all that when he married me and it’s part of what he loved about me. He admits it. He likes my wild side.
Now I’m looking for ways to feed that wild & crazy part of myself – the part that loves to be with people..share intimate time… feel passion together… talk about meaningful things….enjoy life ..food…music…art…poetry…fun.. my deepest self.. um, yeah, SEX! what I felt I had with my X and what I definitely have with my husband when I focus that part of me in his direction. I think I got lazy & unfocused in my marriage.
I know I have the potential to fulfill the parts of me that need fulfilling within the context of my current life – through my friends… acquaintances… strangers I get to meet… co-workers…family…and yes…my marriage.I’d like to believe that if i were truly unhappy in my marriage that I’d have the courage & strength to either work on it, or change it. I’m lucky – my marriage is one of the things I’m most proud of in my life, believe it or not. I have a GREAT marriage and I went into my affair KNOWING there was NOTHING wrong with my marriage. The way my husband has dealt with this affair has proven that to me ten times over….he’s been amazing. I think I’m just a bit of a thrill seeker and wanted a little something more. That more…through my X … felt like a drug I couldn’t get enough of. I’m convinced I got addicted to the endorphins. Withdrawal is a bitch.
I am rambling now… but Peter, you saying you read the posts regularly really gave me comfort – like maybe there’s someone there tonight…listening….
Sending good vibes…
Zoe
Hey Zoe: glad to know you can vent freely here. I think anniversary reactions are natural, particularly as I am having them myself. Memories of extraordinary afternoons and adventures are flooding in. They began about a year ago….my birthday is coming up soon and the one a year ago was a wonderful, lazy day spent with my lover…..it is a memory I treasure.
You know, it is interesting that there was “nothing wrong” with your marriage. I was truly unhappy in mine when the OM showed up–but I NEVER thought I would step out on my husband under any circumstances, and I had actually rebuffed a few other inquiries over the years. Yeah, the lover/attention is a drug. Really need a 12 step program for this. Heck, just need to follow the 12 steps for AlAnon as that fits too. I agree that being with my AP was a thrill compared to the daily grind with my H. I was truly addicted….I love all the things you enjoy–very similar list here as well. People think I am younger than my actual age too.
The “universe” has placed me in a challenging job that is taking quite a bit of my time and energy. I would never had time for my AP at the level of engagement we had prior to D Day. I feel it is a message that I just need to grow up and get back into my life. Had a nice day with my H in church related activities. A slice of “normal” that I wish would draw me in, but at least we are getting along.
OMG yes, withdrawal is a bitch. Overall things are getting better, but it is still an up and down situation. I am reminded that TV Explorer implied that a year would not be unusual for recovery time.
I am listening Zoe, sending good vibes to you and all the others as well.
Keep posting, keep venting, keep letting us know how you are doing.
IG
So much great chatter today and just what I needed. As each of our stories unfold and I learn more about each of you…the context of your affairs and marriages…I feel so much more sane. Peter, your comments about leaving your marriage because you are unhappy and no other reason are so simple and true. I have been really at that point lately. Had discussion w OM today where I flat out said to him that it is pure insanity, the amount of energy I am wasting on two unfulfilling relationships and that both he and my h can go f themselves and I’m going to find my way out of the gutter and shine like a rockstar. Ha! He worries when I get to that point bc he knows I am a bit of a wildcard and not at all afraid of his wife…never have been. So when I get cavalier in my thinking, he pours on the sweet and sugary BS real thick and today I told him to just stop and never ever again utter the words he “loves me more than anything” ever again bc clearly he does not.
Peter, the troubles and uncertainty in your marriage are much more clear now That you have shared more about your circumstances. Would you have chosen/married your wife if not for the baby? Likely not. A family member of mine who married in a similar way and now has 3 children just got divorced. Both parties seem happier. Kids seem ok but what do I know? That’s what I want to see. The happy ending divorce. Ha! IG, people do have the marriages we seek or sought w our Aps. I see it everyday. I too settled. Got caught up in the wrong emotions. Rushed things. Knew it was a mistake even before the wedding but I was too young and too gutless to change the direction at That time. After all he wasn’t abusive, an alcoholic, gambler etc…the deal breaking things. He is just not passionate or compasssinate like me, not nurturing or unselfish, not a friend, not a lover. My AP embodied all my h does not…not perfect by any means but even his annoying imperfections were somehow endearing to me. I’m sure That Would fade in the real world:)
Zoe, you are more than entitled to set backs and emotional roller coastering. Vent away. You have a beautiful soul and are an inspiration to us all in what you have overcome and how you reconnect with your husband.
Ok is it just me….all of your posts are already dated for tomorrow …..lol…it’s still April 1st for me :p….
Zoe ” I think I’m just a bit of a thrill seeker and wanted a little something more. That more…through my X … felt like a drug I couldn’t get enough of. I’m convinced I got addicted to the endorphins”
All I can say is yep, I do think a big part of affairs are this exact thing. But then so was dating someone new when we were younger so it makes total sense. Withdrawl sucks, the craziest thoughts can enter your idle mind and they throw you on the rollercoaster of overthinking…..that’s where I live
Maybe we overthink our marriages too, mine isn’t too bad…..If I was to hear any of my friends explain why their unhappy in their marrage and if their story was like mine….I’d tell them to get over it, the issues as I list them sound trivial….but it’s not a friend, it’s me…..Zoe your still doing it right, and your doing it the only true way…..you are trying in your marriage, you are trying to let go of the negative embracing the positive. I’m not going to pump sunshine up your butt and say everything will be roses, but I honestly believe your path is the fastest way to heal from this particular lesson.
TA – your freaking me out….I used to call my OW a rockstar
Sometimes it’s funny how similar all of our conversations or thoughts are really the same. Right now my marriage is about the kids first, but I’m going to use that time to see if there’s more…..I’m going to apply things like Zoe has done….I’m going to try more little by little and see what comes. As my kids get older I feel the choice becomes more mine once again. So as time goes by if I choose to stay then it’s what I want vs what I think others want me to do…..that thought is very empowering to me btw 
Ok scratch my first comment I just noticed my post listed it as Apr 2 at 6am….
Hey everyone…
I feel so lucky to have found you people to talk to. Thanks for being there. Having this conversation going with all of you really helps me re-focus my obsessive thoughts and re-direct them TOWARDS healing rather than just spinning out on thoughts of the past. So… in a way… this blog – all of YOU have become my new obsession – ha! … well…anyway… it feels like a step in the right direction. Guess I won’t worry about my new obsession until we start planning our real life “party” Imagine that.
Island Girl you said —> “I feel it is a message that I just need to grow up and get back into my life.”
Boy that sure resonates with me. I keep getting that very message OVER & OVER. I gotta grow the F up. That has become so clear to me. It’s not that I can’t still have fun, joy, sensuality, sexuality, and a rich satisfying life – I think what it means for me, though, is that I have to be more grounded in reality and accept the the more sobering aspects of life and what it means to be a responsible adult in my marriage and in the world.
TryAgain writes —> “I flat out said to him that it is pure insanity, the amount of energy I am wasting on two unfulfilling relationships and that both he and my h can go f themselves and I’m going to find my way out of the gutter and shine like a rockstar.”
This really made me smile. I support this wholeheartedly. You GO!
TryAgain —> “I told him to just stop and never ever again utter the words he “loves me more than anything” ever again bc clearly he does not.”
TryAgain, it sounds to me that you are beginning to FIND YOURSELF and your VOICE in relation to your OM. Now that’s what I call sexy.
Peter says —> “I’m going to try more little by little and see what comes.”
I love that. I think that’s really all any of us can do. That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about when I suggest doing small acts…out of Love. Not expecting to do it all at once… that’s impossible… just one small act at a time. I’m trying to do the same thing.
Peter says —> “So as time goes by if I choose to stay then it’s what I want vs what I think others want me to do…..that thought is very empowering to me btw”
Yes. My life is in my own hands. I have a choice here. Very empowering.
I am feeling a little clearer today. Less achy and distracted. I really want to keep moving forward. Thanks for your friendship & support.
I send Love…
Zoe
Dear freinds. It has been hard to find time to write. I am also frustrated that I don’t have sufficient time to really process the entries. I am going to make time this week.
Try Again, you sound very frustrated and torn. We sound very much alike in that we still have some contact with OM. I made similar statements to OM about 3 weeks ago indicating that living a divided life was really making me terribly unhappy. While we have maintained a limited connection, mostly it makes me sad. Indeed, I recently sent an email and it made me almost ill. I made the mistake of looking at a picture of us. Made me sad beyound belief. But as Snow Leopard said, you will know when you’ve had enough. You sound like you’re close if not there. You relationship with your husband sounds unfulfilling. Do you think that if you engaged him it might change. You sound like you don’t really think so and that OM was a way to perhaps find a way to end your marrage.
Zoe, I identify with you on several levels. I lack your grace and judgment. Though we share a common bond. My husband is good, and kind, and really loving. My affair came when we had issues, but not because our marrage was seriously troubled. I fell hard for OM and found him intoxicating. I find him intoxicating still. But, I have a very good life. I just sometimes feel like I am not really a part of it. Not engaged. I miss the friendship w OM. I sometimes wished we’d not crossed the line so that we could still have a connection. You have a wonderful energy I can feel as I read your entry. A goodness and light.
When you are truly present with your husband, how do you feel? How do you reconcile your feelings for OM and that you love your H? I really struggle with that. I also see that your journey back has been long and the desire for OM does not completely fade.
IG, you have a clarity and eloquence I admire. Your writing sooths me. You’re insights into this are incredible. I still recall the grammar entry and your reference to Promethious. You sound like you really like your husband, but are not sure it will work. Maybe less resigned than TA but unsure how to find your way back. If doing so is even possible. Your clarity in these muddy waters guides me.
Peter, the lonely male voice on the Good Ship Adultery … I am so curious …. how did you meet OW. I know these things are hard to elaborate on in such a forum. I often feel so exposed — as if my true identity is plain to all. But, we share the common experience of distance and time. I’d love to spell out more, but I am not sure that I am able. Your wife seems like she needs you. You said that she is trying. You seem like you’ve grown in different directions. Your needs are not being met. What do you do about that?
Hahahaha Zoe I AGREE this blog has become the obsession that replaced my AP!!! I must check this thing several times a day just to see what everyone is up to, and it’s all good! I know Peter said he trolls here too. I will say this morning I reflected on how Zoe said at one point you were just sick and tired of the obsession with AP…think I am drifting that way s..l..o..w..l..y…have been posting here since late Jan. I can feel the improvement in my mindset thanks to all of you keeping it “real”.I still have a LONG way to go.
Yeah, what continent are we planning to have the blender party on? I’m pretty sure we are spread over several time zones………
Lots of love to all my scrappy “peeps”.
IG
Bring on the blender party. Being away made me feel very out of the loop. Though I’ve read and reread the blog, the details swirl through my mind. I am so glad you are here. Each of you are such a gift. I might not make it through this otherwise. The commonality is both a comfort but at times I feel like a cliche. Taking the mystery out of the my affair …. eliminating some of the “uniqueness” helps.
A few questions: my husband finds me melancholy approaching maudlin. How do I tell him I am unhappy? How do we talk about it. I am not prepared to disclose details though he knows a few unfortunate facts. How do you go back after being so destructive? I do you make yourself WANT to go back? Is the affair just a sign you want the hell out?
Can you imagine meet up in some fantastic place. In a fantastic and cosmopolitan city? See you at 8 pm on March 31, 2013 …. the day the sun hides for 60 hours and we enter the period of the 5th sun according to the internet. Not many inspiring days in 2012 … unlike 12 12 12.
Can you imagine agreeing to meet in a fantastic city at a fabulous restaurant. See you on March 31, 2013 …. the day the sun will hide for 60 hours according to the internet and we will enter the “Fifth Sun.” See you at 8? Location to be determined
… sort of the joy luck club … but without all of the the joy
Just a quick reply to WSB – ‘Your wife seems like she needs you.’ yup she sure does seem like she needs me. Truth is for me that’s a bit of the problem..I think I’ve read most of us here say that our AP challenged us, well mine did too. I like having someone standing up for themselves someone who will call me out and be more dominate when they need to. My wife is way to passive with me, always has been…..she rather use tactics other than brute force arguments to get her way. Me I need arguments, I need people to debate with me….sure I like to win, but I also am willing to concede or compromise to a better idea or plan or anything.
And yes WSB – we have grown in different directions….I crave more adventure, and I have no idea what she craves almost like a blank canvas. Hard to stay excited when you seem to be the only one thinking up stuff, almost get bored with yourself after awhile
I met my OW online, and not that I believe how we met was really unique it’s unique enough
I would be willing to start a private fourm that’s by invite only if anyone else is interested ? Either way just thought I’d throw it out there
Hi All,
Going to go in reverse here to try to comment on some of the great recent posts. Peter- id be in for a private forum. I kind of had a panic attack recently about having this all out there. If my OM or his wife came across this, they’d certainly know it was me. Not sure I care though. Ha! I also relate to your comments about wanting someone to challenge you and engage you as your AP did. Kind of interesting bc I believe I offered that to my OM. His wife is controlling but not stimulating for him on a personal level. I was the opposite of that for him. I took him down a few notches and challenged and questioned a lot and also encouraged him to do so in his marriage and with his kids. She kind of realized this through some texts That she saw and criticized him
For thinking that he was right in getting marital
Advice from his GF. Ha! I found this funny and I suppose she is right. On the flip side, my H does challenge me and go against the grain with me, he’s not one to be controlled or manipulated Ina my way. In some way, I believe I preyed on the more laid back, passive nature that my OM had and perhaps saw him as a project to change and fix. Don’t get me wrong…I loved him deeply…still do and that’s why I cared so much and involved myself where I probably should not have but he never protested much. So guess what I’m getting at is that we seek out what we don’t have. Not an earth shattering concept but I just find it interesting when seeing what makes us tick.
WSB- you are right that my strength and resolve is getting better. I’m closer than ever to being able to truly let it go. I’ve snapped out of some of the insanity and it’s liberating and empowering in many ways. MY Om can still lure me in with a tearful phone call or heart felt text but it’s starting to have less pull. The hypocrisy is overpowering much of what he says and promises these days. So I know cold turkey Coukd never be for me…this phasing out seems to be doing the trick and as my head clears, I’m starting to consider small ways to try a bit harder in my marriage and see where it goes. I’m not overly optimistic but I’m willing to do some work.
So many great thoughts from
Zoe and IG. Being an adult is really what it is all about isn’t it? Maybe this whole episode was about me rebelling against getting older and more settled and losing my OOMph:) maybe… Well one thing I can say is that I have above and beyond proved that I still have that fire and desire and can be the “bad girl” so should I now retreat to the “good girl” life and live happily ever after with my secret? See…Tht thought kind of depresses me…clearly I’m still a juvenile. Lol!
I’d consider a private forum. Feel very exposed though in some strange way it feels disloyal to blog followers … fucked up, huh? Have so many things to say and many deeper comments but I feel like saran wrap. See through. Any references. Comments. Feel like a dot on Google Earth.
I get the good girl/bad girl part of this … sometimes real life is just too much … earn a living, have great kids, work for a charity, volunteer for baseball, … start a company … cure cancer …. the list for women is endless. So take this soccer moms! See what I can do that is really bad … destructive to boot.
Computer is all messed up … hard to post. Feeling like I really need a good dose of Snow Leopard the all wise. I am in a horrible space. Missing OM in a a way that cuts like a knife. So freaking pathetic. Interesting TA that your husband is the one that challenges you more … How the hell do we find what we need. The affair didn’t do it for sure. But what now? Is anyone happy? Can we really be happy after what we’ve done and experienced. What will ever come close? TV says there is life after, but I am dying here.
Ok- My strength faded big time this afternoon. Many of you have posted about seasons and reminders…there are many. I ran at a location where we had run together early on in our relationship and sat and had a picnic afterwards. I honestly had almost forgotten about this date until i was alomost there but I deceided to face my demons and chase them out with a hard and fast run. Well, how does 6 miles of tearful memories and sobbing sound? ugh. I broke down…maybbe its what was needed. Lately, I have benn masking my broken heart and pain with anger but today I feel I let the anger go and sadness took over. What’s better? I dont know. The sadness and self-pity hurts a whole hell of alot more but the anger helps me feel empowered and in control.
WSB- i think my husband challenged me too much and along the way stopped loving and appreciating me. We are both strong and stubborn personalities and that’s tough to manage. My OM Just loved, complimented, coddled and said sweet things to me…maybe very superficially really…but man, did I need it and thrive on it… the attention, the appreciation, the obsession…It was so nice to be heard, seen and loved truly. I believe he loved me unconditionally too which is not something I had with my husband. He is very spiteful and reactive and if I have a bad day and express my dismay about this that or the other thing, he’s not the type to empathize or nurture. My OM bore the brunt of much bitchiness and lashing out due to all the circumstances around the affair and my marriage. he was a saint…at least in that respect though not all others. Ugh….Im cried out, legs hurting from running, heart hurting
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Ok-Losing posts…blog logistics. Today was rough…my resolve and strength kind of fell apart and I let grieving and sadness in. Many of you have talked about triggers…the seasons,places yiu would go etc…I mindlessly went running at aplace today where OM had a running/picnic date once. Huge mistake! I thought maybe I’d conquer some demons instead I cried and sobbed for six miles….the pain kept me running harder and harder. I guess I thought it would subside if I kept going strong and now my legs are just sore and my heart heavy. Ive been quelling sadness and grief and replacing it with anger lately. Im not nearly as healed as I have been trying to convince myself. I dont really know what to say. I think most of my tears were bc I really, truly know that its over with him. I cannot even try to have what we once did..and “live in the moment” as he says…it just cant work for me anymore. F, im so sad. we talked this afternoon and shared some texts…his tone is starting to change and he was more of ajerk than usual. The push-pull phenomona that we have all lived through and so now im reeling becuase I know I have pushed him to where I was trying to…a place where we walk away bc there is nothing left and I now feel empty beyond belief. In my heart, I know there is nothing he or I could do to fill the emptiness…its so damaged…the fantasy, the good, the fun…all destroyed. So i know i need to say goodbye to my friend, lover and crutch (and as i typed those words i closed my eyes to hold back tears and felt that stabbing pain in my heart and gut simultaneously…i know you all know that feeling) It’s time..time is up…has been up…probably since day 1. I remember our early emails before things got “serious”, before the “I love you’s”, the ” You are my soulmate”, before the ” I need and want you more than anything”…i remember saying that I felt we were on a “slippery slope” and maybe we need to ease back. We met to talk the very next day over a beer and laid out that neither of us felt we could leave our families. I left ther Ok and feeling like it was just a quick, painless fling that I’d lament for a day or two and had no intention of further contact. within an hour, he lured me back contacting me etc. Oh how I wish I had shunned that. My neediness would not let me. I was starvd for what he was giving me. I failed myself and my family that day. every time we tried to end it, we said we’d have no regrets. I never really believed that. I have regrets many and im drowning in them now.
Hi friends…
Some thoughts on recent posts….
Peter says —> Withdrawl sucks, the craziest thoughts can enter your idle mind and they throw you on the rollercoaster of overthinking…..
Yeah. Overthinking. I struggle with this too. I have had to discipline my thinking & NOT let myself “go there.” Very challenging. Some days are easier than others. Meditation helps immensely. Interesting to note that studies have been done that show that meditation helps addicts in recovery. Hmm.
Wantsomethingbetter says —> I sometimes wished we’d not crossed the line so that we could still have a connection.
Oh, I have this thought ALL the time. I can’t believe I lost the possibility of any kind of friendship with this man that I work so well with, get along great with, love hanging out with, love to laugh & talk with etc… because we crossed that line. Feels like such a waste of a great connection. I so wish it were different. This is a real source of sadness for me. Huge lesson learned here.
Island Girl says —-> The “universe” has placed me in a challenging job that is taking quite a bit of my time and energy. I would never had time for my AP at the level of engagement we had prior to D Day.
This is a gift. I have only begun to admit to myself how much I let my relationship with my X take me away from responsibilities at home, with friends, and at work. I used it to escape and I was not investing at work the way I could have been This is another regret I have. i see where my work was not as good as it could have been because I was so distracted. I am now appreciating the energy I have to focus at work, at home and on my husband, family & friends. I feel so much more present in ALL aspects of my life since the affair stopped. I wonder what I looked to my friends, family and colleagues during the affair. I imagine I seemed extremely preoccupied.
TRyAgain says…—> Being an adult is really what it is all about isn’t it? Maybe this whole episode was about me rebelling against getting older and more settled and losing my OOMph:) maybe… Well one thing I can say is that I have above and beyond proved that I still have that fire and desire and can be the “bad girl” so should I now retreat to the “good girl” life and live happily ever after with my secret? See…Tht thought kind of depresses me…clearly I’m still a juvenile. Lol!
For me it does have to do with a kind of maturing, for sure, but I’d like to think that It’s NOT about snuffing out the fire, quelling the passion and denying my need for a little Ooomph – but rather it’s a refocusing the passion…fire… Ooomph etc in a direction that is creative, honest and wholesome – not destructive, duplicitous.& unhealthy. I agree that retreating is a depressing thought and denies all that I have discovered about myself through this affair. For me, recovery is not about going backwards but moving forward – having learned about myself in the process.This way, the experience can have meaning and value because I’ve grown from it. I want to be better because of it and I believe I can be.
Wantsomethingbetter —> How do you go back after being so destructive? I do you make yourself WANT to go back? Is the affair just a sign you want the hell out?
I guess it’s different for all of us. For me the affair was not a sign that I wanted out of my marriage – but a sign that I needed to make some changes in myself. I needed to take responsibility for where I was not happy in my life. I am still in the process of getting in touch with these things. It’s quite a process. Taking my relationship right to the brink helped me realize how much it actually meant to me. When the shit hit the fan at my house I came very quickly in touch with how much I was willing to fight for my marriage .When my affair was exposed – In the light of day – I saw clearly what a fantasy world I was living in. Don’t get me wrong – My rational mind “got it” but it took a long time for the feelings to catch up with what my mind KNEW. I’m still working on that one. It’s been very strange for me for a long time because it’s as if I “loved” TWO men at the same time. Bizarre. The more I focus my loving energy… need for affection.. oomph… passion etc towards my husband… the more these feelings get generated between us. I am so happy to say that I am feeling attracted to my husband again… as if I am seeing him with brand new eyes. Sexy.
I’m game for a private forum…. I guess if people don’t want to abandon this one completely, for whatever reason, we can always post here too for more general posts…. anyway… I’m open.
Love,
Zoe
Hey Tryagain…. Our posts seemed to have crossed each other. I didn’t see yours before. Sorry you’re having a rough day today. You are grieving. Give it time… & remember…it’s a process and it does get easier. Hang in there… Zoe
I also would be interested in a private forum. We can take this offline. I wonder if TV explorer is sitting back watching us or merely rolling his eyes waiting for us to run out of things to say…….I marvel that we have been permitted to keep going on this long. I think this is the LONGEST thread on TV Explorer’s site……
TryAgain, I am so sorry you have had such a challenging day……I have lived in dread of encountering my OM, and that is just crazy in a city this size. We have virtually no reason to run into each other except by virtue of coincidence. Our acquaintances overlap only a little and they are far more his friends than mine…..Still, I do end up driving past little rendezvous spots that ignite sadness in me. You mention attempting to rebuff the relationship: “Oh how I wish I had shunned that. My neediness would not let me. I was starvd for what he was giving me. I failed myself and my family that day. every time we tried to end it, we said we’d have no regrets. I never really believed that. I have regrets many and im drowning in them now.” I understand that entirely. I thought many times of ending the affair, even when it was strictly an eMail emotional affair. Once we were “in the flesh” it became even more painful and difficult to leave him. We never said there would be “no regrets”, but my OM often said “it is what it is”, conveying that there was no chance of anything more. I stupidly secretly hoped he was wrong on that point. I haven’t come to the point of “regret”yet, but this pain is wearing me down, even as it is decreasing. It is not yet zero!!!
For some reason, I have been reflecting on how the threads on the rest of TV explorer’s site have gone. People eventually wander off. Do they “graduate”? Do they run out of things to say? Could it be they have found their solutions and no longer need to put it out there? Is there just some special chemistry between us in this group that keeps us encouraging each other? We are all excellent, entertaining writers with just the right turn of phrase and emotional timber. Yeah, I could see all of us kicking back with a snifter, reflecting on our journeys.
IG
Wantsomethingbetter…
I forgot to answer this…
you wrote —> “When you are truly present with your husband, how do you feel? How do you reconcile your feelings for OM and that you love your H? I really struggle with that. I also see that your journey back has been long and the desire for OM does not completely fade.”
I can’t say that I have reconciled my feelings for my X and my love for my husband, but I think I have a better perspective on it now. For a long time I felt like I was in love with two men at the same time. I never fell out of love with my husband. We were still great together and the sex between us was better than ever. Yeah, I was having great sex with two men at the same time. I felt like there must be something wrong with me that I could have such strong feelings of love for two men. Now I believe I was experiencing a kind of addiction… the rush of endorphins… and was totally addicted to that feeling with my X. I loved a lot of stuff about my X but there was nothing practical about our relationship. It just didn’t hold up in the light of day.We would make great friends and colleagues. Good pals. Wish now I’d never crossed the line with him so I could just love him, purely, you know? Now that the endorphins are settling down and I’m well into withdrawal, I can think and see so much more clearly.
The good news is that the more present I am with my husband the more attracted to him I feel and the more love and appreciation for him I experience. It’s true, my feelings for my X didn’t just disappear and it has been very painful and confusing at times as I attempt to refocus my emotional & sexual energy away from my X and back towards my husband. For a while I just had to let it be weird… sometimes fantasies of sex with my X creep in when I’m be trying to focus on my husband.. but I just let it be… “make it work” and keep focusing back on my husband. It’s an exercise in being present. It has great rewards and has been missing in my life while in the affair. I am now getting “addicted” to the rewards of being truly present in my life and living with integrity.
Sending Love….
Zoe
Hi IG,
Posts crossing in the night again.
I wonder what Tvexplorer makes of all of this, too. I think about “What will become of us” too. Such a motley crew.
Hey, Tvexplorer… you reading us?
Zoe
Hey all,
I’m away from home for work so my posts are less frequent. I think we all dwell or dream of more contact with our AP. To start off let me say that up until 3 weeks ago I couldn’t imagine not being in the physical with her. Being with my wife replused me, that is changing….here’s what’s been going through my mind, as I re-read txt’s or listen to old voicemails I’m starting to think of her more as just an ordinary person, rather than the rockstar I had built up in my mind. Do you know how much easier it is to let go of the ordinary, it’s much easier. If any of you are like me, you gave your AP a special piece of realestate in your head…this is the fog. TA – you are trying so hard to hold on, looking for a magic anwser……your experiencing regret. I too would push her away multiple times trying to cut the cord, as soon as I did I felt ill…..panic’d, like WTF did I just do I can’t live without her. When D-Day happened it was out of our hands, I agreed to her H’s polite wish for me to cease contact. It was the perfect test, and I was sure she would contact me the following weekday…well my contact didn’t come till 3 weeks post D-day….and it was a 12:41 min conversation. Here’s what I remember….basically.
AP – ‘Hey, how are you doing’
Me – ‘Not to good’
AP – ‘Me neither, but I’m hanging in there’ (sounding like she was trying not to break down)
AP- ‘I’m surprised you answered the phone, I didn’t know if you would’
ME-’I'm surprised you called, it’s been soo long I was starting to think you never would’
From here things get blurry, she briefly explained how her H discovered who I really was. She also told me all her family knew (although some details were not known). She told me that she told him it was basically a friendship that turned to something else and that she loved me..(at this point I can’t remember if she said she told him she was in love with me or if it was more of a statement of love)…..and that her feelings have only been really intense for the previous 6 months (this is true). That’s basically it, I told her one of the contact numbers was still active and she could call anytime she would like although I kinda mentioned it doesn’t have to be regularly (I wanted daily contact still though) She then said she had to go…..and I was kinda left with the impression I would hear from her again…..but it’s been almost 3 weeks again and nothing.
I do have some very sneaky ways I could contact her, but I’ve refrained….it’s been really really tough. Even though I felt closure immediately after our 12min talk……I was left thinking she would keep it alive even it was on the fringe of flat lining. I’ve gotten angry but my anger subsides to resolving what’s the point ? What is me wanting her to want me getting ? Nothing, it gets me nothing, the same nothing I felt when I was going in circles during the daily contact. It is SOOOO tough to fight off the shit in my head to think she’s some evil bitch who is now totally in love with her husband or heaven forbid thinking like ZOE and trying to rationalize us as a mistake (sorry ZOE you know what I mean)…..I would love to lash out and tell her I’m over her too at very least just to scar her. But you know what, it doesn’t matter….. that move would be a lie to my soul, that move is me trying the push pull bullshit. I must fight past these thoughts, if her and I are ever meant to be then it will be……I have not closed my mind to this being our end chapter just yet, even without speaking she is still my friend I do love her. Maybe it is over, maybe I will decide my life inside my marriage is a better fit for me. Knowing you have a choice is a powerful enabler for moving forward. Take your AP off the pedestal you’ve put them on and focus on the fact they’re no different from everyone else you know.
You know so many of our thoughts are the same, and this is not something I want undone in my life. Right now I do feel that I’m crutching on my wife a little more, I was getting so sad feeling alone. Instead of avoiding her I’m talking to her more, I am using her….we’re talking about family things and future goals again…I figured my AP are her H have more dialog now at my expense so it’s only fair I’m sorta of aloud to do the same. Overthinking is the worst, I’m also trying to embrace my lack of ambition with resting more and just enjoying simple things.
I’ll work on a pvt fourm this up coming weekend when I’m home again.
We can’t turn it off, we can’t prevent the waves and range of emotions those waves may bring……just try to live a little better each day.
Wow! Great posts everyone. We are still “working it”….have to smile that we have all used the word “nothing” in our reflections. It isn’t that we didn’t feel for our APs, but in the end, there was no way we could craft a lasting relationship out of these.
Peter, you are showing great restraint to avoid contacting your AP. yeah, it hurts like hell just to leave it alone. I wonder sometimes if my OM is somehow waiting for me to attempt contact, but his betrayed spouse likely has his computer and phone bugged. And there are no mutual friends that knew of us who could create a place to meet. Yup. Over. Over. Over………
I found some old eMails from when OM and I were simply forwarding joke eMails and asking work related technical and ethical questions of each other over the years. I agree with all of you that I miss the friendship and wish that we could have kept that. I can see now the potential (or was it groundwork laid down?) for the affair in some early interchanges. I had never noticed how he closed his eMails before. We were “flirtatious friends” (more so on his part than mine)….Perhaps I was just one in a long string of women. Wreckage. Flotsam. Jetsam……I’ll never know……. I think for me it is truly better that the D Day shut us down entirely. I know I would be posting more like WSB and TryAgain if we could still get to each other.
I wish for you WSB and Tryagain the strength to release your OM and walk away (or run! or even limp with those sore leg muscles), knowing that you can do this and that you can be free of this obsession. Life has to be better than what we have all had: living in the shadows, accepting second best from someone we crave and would lose everything for, knowing you will never get that AP. Zoe has done a fabulous job of leading the way, with thoughtful and encouraging posts.
Yup, it’s time for snowleopard to check in with more enlightenment….
Hi All,
Wow- shaking as I write this. This morning was my D-Day…my Decision Day. OM and I plannned to meet for coffee this AM after some long text battles and garbage the past few days that really pushed the end. In a somewhat calm discussion early this mornig, we decided this cannot continue on any level because of the pain and anger and hurt. We both accepted and acknowledged the fact that neither of us is changing our expecatations or situation right now and he was honest about his stance on his marriage, his fear of disrupting his kids lives etc etc. There were some moments of accusation and trying to pass the buck with comments like…”this is what you want…I can continue but you have to stop being so angry and jealous” always about how I have to change and never really about what he can or could have done to assuage my insecurity and doubt. The argumnet of who gave more, wanted more, tolerated more….Circular arguments and reasoning and justifications to keep a very selfish and self-destructive path going. At the end, we both called a truce and uttered the words that there is nowhere left to go so we must move on and put ourselves back in our lives. I cried more than him but my resolve was stronger than his…he tried to backpedal a few times when he realized I was truly serious and not just talking about “the end” for the sake of a little morning drama. I have you all to thank for that. Honestly, our messages and things I have learned from this blog kept popping into my head as I sat there silent, thinking and pondering what my next words would be to him and how to handle it as maturely and gracefully as possible because in the end, as much as hateful and bitter parting words would have given me some temporary satisfaction, I could not leave it that way because it leaves too much room for regretting how we left each other…and being tempted to follow up with a sad and emotional email or text that just re-opens the wounds and posibly the door to continuing this pointless relationship.
Zoe you wrote: “I have only begun to admit to myself how much I let my relationship with my X take me away from responsibilities at home, with friends, and at work. I used it to escape and I was not investing at work the way I could have been This is another regret I have. i see where my work was not as good as it could have been because I was so distracted.” I hav eben reflecting on this so much this morning since driving away from him. Part of our real struggles lately have been because I am having issues with work and my performance and worsening relationship with my husband and my OM’s lack of being able to truly find it in him to be the supportive friend. after all, sacrifices I have made with my time to spend with him when it worked for him have perhaps led to where I am and he could not really deal. He wants the strong, successful, confident woman he met 19 months ago. If you cant love me at my worst…then you dont deserve me at my best. Isnt that the truth? I’ve got to take control and find my best again but not for him…for me and for my children and hopefully someday, I’ll be ready to give my best to my husband and see where it takes us.
Ok, part 2 bc Part 1 wasnt long enough:)
Peter you wrote: “I’ve gotten angry but my anger subsides to resolving what’s the point ? What is me wanting her to want me getting ? Nothing, it gets me nothing, the same nothing I felt when I was going in circles during the daily contact. It is SOOOO tough to fight off the shit in my head to think she’s some evil bitch who is now totally in love with her husband or heaven forbid thinking like ZOE and trying to rationalize us as a mistake (sorry ZOE you know what I mean)…..I would love to lash out and tell her I’m over her too at very least just to scar her. But you know what, it doesn’t matter….. that move would be a lie to my soul, that move is me trying the push pull bullshit. I must fight past these thoughts, if her and I are ever meant to be then it will be……I have not closed my mind to this being our end chapter just yet, even without speaking she is still my friend I do love her. Maybe it is over, maybe I will decide my life inside my marriage is a better fit for me. Knowing you have a choice is a powerful enabler for moving forward. Take your AP off the pedestal you’ve put them on and focus on the fact they’re no different from everyone else you know.” This is summarizes exactly what I am feeling right now and will feel for the coming weeks I am sure but your way of processing it and reasoning through it is exactly what I need to embody right now. Im dying thinking that I have sent him back into her loving arms and that he will finally cave and giver her what she wants…foregtting me and us. He spoke today of the possibility some day…when we are able to be…if it happens and can move forward the right/legitimate way. I told him to stop…that I couldnt bear to hear that. What will change? Children being grown and out of the hous? well, we both have about 15 years before that happens and is it easier to end a 25 year marriage than a 10 year one. is it ever the right time? Its a leap of faith anyway you cut it and I know that he has the ability to convince himself he is happy enough and put his head down and stay…forever. Sigh. I think he and I have reached the point where we both did take each other off the pedestals and thats why we can walk away. I made it easier for him with my behavior of late and so did he. This realization hurts but it is what it is and I need to accept it and move on. I’m numb right now. Frozen. Broken. Procesing and planning how to get through today, tomorrow, a week…. a lifetime. If only I could answer the question “What was it all for?” The answer isnt there. It just was and now it’s not. Thank you all for the strength yoh have given me and continue to give me.
guys- theta last post from “brainlesromantic” was from me. Months agao I registered a blog I never started and have been trying to change it but hasnt worked. Im not very blog savvy…
Ugh and now it seems those comments may not have posted. If yiu see something come up under “Brainless romantic” its me try again. I will wait and see what happens. Guess TV has to approve it. And yes, he may be rolling his eyes at us big time:)
I’m a bit of a wreck. Totally falling off the wagon. Took the sip. At the moment it feels good. Feel like a remedial, worthless, pathetic rehab — er. I know it is not worth it. I know at some level it is a mistake. I just don’t want to let go. Maybe I am so broke that I like the feeling of despair and misery. Maybe that is addicting too. The drama of it all. I don’t know if he is feeding me BS or what. OK, OK, I know. I am an idiot. So much to write. Really need that private forum. Really do. Snow Leopard, what do you do when you don’t WANT to let go. I know the slivers of happiness turn to crap. The high fades and you crash. HATE this.
Zoe – I read …. “Very challenging. Some days are easier than others. Meditation helps immensely. Interesting to note that studies have been done that show that meditation helps addicts in recovery. Hmm. “
As MEDICATION not meditation. Nothing wrong w/ that … I was just thinking … damned – I need some of that. Then I re read
Reflecting on what you said about the physical. I am more in your boat that TA but as I got deeper into OM (literally … yikes) I began to have trouble having an intimate relationship with my husband. Felt like I was cheating almost on OM. But my relationship was always reasonably good when I got off track.
Peter, I like hearing about where you are at home and with OW. Your OW is suffering I am sure. She is just stuck. Neither of you seem ready to take any alternative action, so what is the real point to continue contact. So hard.
Ok, WSB first and foremost……stop beating yourself up!!! As is typical for ANY addiction, it is NOT unusual to “fall off the wagon”…….We all know how strong these feelings and desires are. But it sounds as if you are experiencing the lack of the high. Yup, the drug is no long working its magic. No worries, you can try to detach yourself again. Yeah, I committed myself physically to the OM and could not bear to have my H touch me. Don’t know how Zoe could have relations with both men. (Trust me, I would love to be able to do that!) LOL.
IG
IG says —> Don’t know how Zoe could have relations with both men. (Trust me, I would love to be able to do that!)
Trust me – you don’t. it was a kind of hell. I was tortured when I wasn’t in the heat of the moment being swept away by the endorphin rush.The only time I could escape the hell was when I managed to get that rush of being lost in having sex – or in the love chemicals – but otherwise – all around the sex with my X, I was fraught with the guilt of cheating on my husband – and the sex with my husband – though in some ways it was better during the affair because i was “turned on” so much – it was difficult & painful because I also felt guilty that I was cheating on him and being stimulated with him by thoughts of my “other” lover. It wasn’t a good feeling. I felt like some kind of sick, two-faced, lying whore….yeah…woah… there’s some self-loathing for you. Not pretty. Not fun. Not sexy.
Zoe
Zoe: I guess I said it awkwardly. I could only have relations with one man at a time, and since I had given myself to the OM, my husband had nothing. Actually, we were so disengaged, he didn’t appear to notice it. I didn’t feel guilt so much as just worried about discovery. When H approached me (and he was drawn to me as I was putting off some serious pheromones–you noticed it yourself WSB?), I was repulsed….I hid it as well as I could, but it was distressing to me that I felt that way about my H. I marvel that my husband didn’t figure it all out…..Life isn’t much better for the husband now as I am still recovering from grieving. That is almost over, but attraction is pretty anemic…..Still not thinking I can “fake it until I make it”…..
IG
Hi…
Man… It’s humiliating to admit that I was trying to love two men at once.
I’m doing ok. …. but I am struggling… Tomorrow is his birthday and it’s difficult not to want to send some kind of message – but I know that will just open things up again. It’s been bothering me that I’ve been having thoughts of sending a message for his birthday and have been thinking about him more…. so I tried something new and I shared it with my husband rather than just staying in my own head about it. He was so kind and understanding. He really listened and cared about what I was going through. It really helped that I shared it with him, that he talked with me about my feelings and it made me feel closer to him…also helped me take my focus off the X.
There’s another work thing coming up that the X and i should BOTH be at but I’m wondering if he won’t show again because he knows I’ll be there. My husband is not going. Part of me wants to send him a message just to let him know he doesn”t have to keep trying to dodge me, that we can be “ok” in the work setting. Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to make contact – a subconscious desire to sabotage the progress I’ve made detaching. The truth is …the fact that his birthday is tomorrow makes NO CONTACT a little more painful… guess I’m going to have to just live through that. I don’t think sending him any kind of message – no matter how small – is going to make the pain better. I gotta stay strong. Send me good vibes…
Zoe
OK Zoe, here goes……One can be grateful for the lessons learned and the “fire” that a lover brought to their life. You don’t have to purge that experience from your narrative. It has become part of you and made you the remarkable person you are (and you certainly ARE based upon your postings!). But….(always the “but”)…..that season of loving him is over. He remains in your heart, but new chapters are unfolding in front of you.
It was a great idea to share the burden with your husband as that helps him know where you are emotionally, and he is an amazing man to embrace you and walk along side you. Truly a life PARTNER…..You are so fortunate.
I think rather than contacting your OM, it would be appropriate to light a candle, reflect on the day, be grateful for the lesson with your X, meditate on how your life has changed and how you have grown from the experience, journal. (yup, spiritual beings having a human experience). I agree with you that contacting your OM will reopen wounds, He must be reflecting on his birthday as well. Send him healing energy. I will do the same for you……
Thank you Zoe for posting your journey. It is so helpful to know we are not alone. Even though we are all a little different, we share the pain, the growth, the happiness in each other’s small successes.
Stay strong my friend. You remain my “hero”.
IG
Island Girl….
Checked the blog one more time before heading out the door to work… found your post. I don’t know how to tell you how much your words mean to me right now. I’ve got tears streaming down my face and a very full heart. Grateful for you, my friend. Thanks for that. off & running…Zoe
Tryagain & Peter
I feel all the words and feelings that you mention.
I also feel since DD – my xMm and his wife seem to be thriving. And that hurts like hell.
This week we met 2 years ago- he goes away every Easter with his wife and children. So that’s a big trigger for me – and they have gone – and that sent me a little sadness- I actually cried as I felt wow- from the day she found out- I swear his life remained the same- but just more input from her in his business – she now works for him. Imagaine that- they spend more time than ever together! – a result of our affair means him and his wife – seem to have joint this tight force. Maybe it’s a crisis act- self protect them and the family. Either way- its bitter sweet to think the outcome meant they lived happy ever after.
Worked out I am 6 months since Dd and of late I took a step back and feel in control of the siuation. I question the whole affair less- I can see him and his wife and my heart doesn’t sink.
I can honestly say in time life just moves you on and your heart begins to let go. Instead I feel it is replaced with a sadness that I can’t explain. It just feels so tragic & empty- and powerless – but at the same time I accept that it is what it is.
I do not believe I will ever forget him. He played a part in my life- he will be my history- the experience taught me a lot about me – love- others. Thankfully though, the thoughts do not linger. And I am able to live my life with days and hours and weeks of not thinking of him . It’s a nicer place to be.
I often still wonder – does he think about me. Does he hate himself for treating me so poorly in the end. Does he feel the need to apologise. And I wonder if he did say sorry one fine day- would I care for it. Would I accept it. Would I tell him how it was for me.
I guess I am saying it does get better- not perfect – but better and better.
6 months ago- my heart and world was in bits- I thought I would never be able to say that life gets better
I hope you all remain strong – hang in there and talk it out- but find some time when you are not focused on the situation as it’s good and ok to let it go.
I am home now, I’ve been reading all the new posts. Seems the holidays bring us all to a little reflection and we again dwell. I am not immune to it either
I returned home last night and my wife was doing yard work, trying to get a jump on things for me. It really was a sweet gesture, however she soo misses the mark of what I want. She is very sweet and understanding, and I having spent the majority of time on the road came home after a marathon of thinking of my AP. When I returned home, she became very needy for my approval of her work and what she was doing for me. I thanked her and said it looked great, she missed me and was just trying to open conversation but I didn’t want conversation I needed time to meditate away the thoughts of my OW. I tried to give subtle hints, and I stayed in the open so she knew I was close instead of hiding in my home office……..she continued to keep at me with small talk about nothing…I felt smothered…..so I lashed out HARD. I felt regret at doing it but I never apologized, without sounding like a prick she needs to stop the smothering. It’s too much of forcing me to love her too much too soon. Anyway I got up this morning and she left for work, I’ve lumbered around the house kind of in a daze, napping.
It’s hard hours seem like days, I have nothing to fill my time….. no goals I give a shit about. It’s ok though this is normal…..it’s ok to fall off the wagon
I didn’t need to get upset at my W but I was in a bad mood and it’s good that I let out my dark side every now and then….wish she would. I still feel like I’m cheating on her, and when I concede to try I feel like I’m cheating my OW. Why do we dwell and worry about a relationship that seems to be more destructive than any other ever. Yes friends our AP hurt like us, they must…..maybe they don’t dwell like we do but they hurt. I’m sure there are some players out there that can move from one to another….they put their energy into another. Maybe our exAP’s do the same, mine puts her energy into her daily chores and kids. Visits with neighbors, and gets ready for 5k runs or mini marathons. They hurt, they just put their energy elsewhere that works for them…..I have a lot of questions rattling in my head today.
Thinking and doing are two different beasts, triggers that flood our minds….or wanting contact to show them we still care on some level. We want them to know we’re still here, we exist…..and we still love them. Just remember your stronger knowing your in control of your actions as they are theirs. If it’s going to be a battle of will, we shouldn’t be the loosing end any more. Fight through it, know that even with the contact or thinking about them that it changes NOTHING. I am sending out what little good vibes I can to you all…your not alone.
None of us are complete trainwrecks, we just feel like one
I’m going to work on getting something setup for us that’s pvt tonight and tommorow.
Ok it’s ready I think….
http://tvexplorer.proboards.com/
This is a pvt forum for the regular contributors here…..you need to create an account and I need to approve it, this way I ensure no one that I don’t recognize will not get access. When you create the account you’ll recieve an email to activate it and then I’ll need to authoize it. If you use a name I don’t recognize I may email you to confirm who you are from your name on here. I’d prefer to keep this board exclusive to the posters from this thread on this blog…..if your new and want access I suggest you just blog here and in time we as a group may let you join our private forum once you’re better known.
Thanks.
Yeee hawwwwwww!!!!!!
Working the entire week, growing tired. I realized earlier today that my AP could never had handled my professional life as it is now. It is high pressure, long hours, complete access to me, little division between my personal and professional time. He (OM) would have grown tired of it and wandered off in search of another blossom, as he wouldn’t have to exist this way. My husband, on the other hand, has had quite awhile to adjust to this life, and his is really no different than mine. Another reason to remain married to this guy? I guess so…….
Hope everyone who is celebrating Easter and/or the deliverance out of Egypt is having a nice time with family and friends.
IG
Ya I’ve let my professional life go into the toilet, but I don’t really care anyway….when I was young I thought it was about ‘what you know’ as I’ve aged (I don’t like that word)….it’s not about what I know it’s about what I can do and being able to get results. Of course the knowledge helps and experience helps. I grew tired of our affair as it existed many times, but for whatever crazy reason I would give my left nut for it back. On my drive back home I was thinking alot….I thought what if she and her H split and I got a phone call one day telling me she was free or on her way to be free. What would I do ???? would it really change anything ? like you IG would I be always wondering if she’d wait or what…..she always said she would and that she wouldn’t want anyone else…..but in my heart I know once your free regardles of how you think now, it would change. Logic tells me that being a free agent to try various items on the menu is a powerful draw after you’ve been caged for any number of years. LOL ya looking for reasons to stay with our current partners….I’m doing it too. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m trying a little more now because I feel rejected now or what.
I can’t wait for Easter to be done…..because I know she’s doing ‘family’ stuff…and I’d rather her living the mundane day to day stuff lol…..evil yes…but honest at least
Hello Round: I hope you are truly getting better as you say. Since my OM and I are in radio silence, I really have no idea how it is going over there. I know he dove back into his marriage. He had so many reasons to do so: all the family and friends, the money they had accumulated over the years, his wife’s having given up work to take care of him during multiple life-threatening illnesses and injuries. He owed her big time……I can’t imagine having to encounter OM and his wife, and don’t know how you are able to manage it……
I will say that I do play a mind game with myself almost every morning. I read my horoscope and then that of my OM and his wife. I have to smile because I can almost visualize them experiencing the rise and falls in their horoscopes. Each day I say: “keep going, babies, don’t let me have made this sacrifice (giving OM up) in vain.”……….If one were to believe their horoscopes, they are reconciling well, even if with a little fire…..Crazy game, I know, but I have come to think that if I can’t have my OM, that his life should at least be peaceful and content…….there’s a twisted altruism….
IG
IG – at times I wish the same for my other man- just to be happy. I know he wasn’t a happy soul. -hiding and suppressing himself- do often I think well let’s hope he manages to find peace and they work things out & fix whatever was wrong.
But other times I wish him the worst miserable life ever! – purely to see him suffer for his fragment of me and also my own sadness at losing him and not being able to know him and is – as I would have liked .
Though mostly as I said I am Indifferent nowadays.
This holiday lark has been a little set back, though I question myself today, I think it might be more me feeling jealous of them gettin on with it and being happy. I think I feel loney and wanting a good old hug and a talk with him – those free talks that were open and lasted for hours.
It’s a passing phase though- I know – which is the best part, that I will be ok!
It’s great bring free and single also. I am enjoying my time, making me happy again, I don’t miss the dramas , the missing him feeling, the sadness because he had to go , or couldn’t be with me. Urgh- why do we thrive off those stolen moments – why did they mean so much ? But were in reality so little.
Love the fact I am fitter than ever- I have had lots of male attention of late- loving being able to not want it or need it. I am looking forward to meeting someone who is mine not shared! When the time is right I will date again.
One thing I promised myself is to not allow this situation haunt my life forever- not sure I believed that was possible either- but I am flicking those thoughts because the scars fade..they really do..just takes a little time with some bumps on the way…
Hope you all had a good Easter – feel I waffled in this post – sorry
Round I am so glad to hear that you are better. I am at 5 months post DDay now, and although I still miss my OM, it is far less grueling. I no longer have those crushing lows and am able to coexist with the reminders of my AP that I encounter in my daily drive. My husband is doing cute little things like giving me Easter card and candy–it’s a bit like being wooed again. I have not told him of my affair, and don’t know where the attention is coming from. I wonder how this is all going to turn out, and feel that soon I can begin exploring whether I am remaining in this marriage. Regardless of that decision, I agree with you that I will not permit “this situation to haunt my life forever”. Good turn of phrase, Round.
I hope that everyone is doing OK. Holidays can certainly stir up feelings and it seems we all struggled over the last week.
IG
Hi IG – Hope your day has been good.
It is such a hard choice , staying in a marriage or not staying. I have been married before and i have 1 child.
I left my comfortable home and made the heartbreaking choice to split up my family because I was unhappy – I asked myself ‘Could i stay with my then husband forever , grow old with him and love him’ – Yes I could – BUT he was not meeting my needs – I wanted more & I knew that would never subside – sure i could ignore it – but one way or another , those needs were part of me , my character and in the end would make me miserable. So I packed and left.
I have to say it was tough , but i do not regret it. We both agreed we were happy plodding along but it was not good enough for either of us. My son is a happy and grounded little boy and i am proud , as is his father that we have remained parents who sing of the same sheet.
I will never sell myself short of my needs – not in a long term relationship. I sold myself short in the affair and that is why i was so miserable/incomplete during the affair.
I feel for you and i hope that whatever you decide , it is based on what will make you happy.
I dont know about anyone else, but just lately (maybe i am more in tune to it – due to the affair) it would seem so many of my friends have walked away from a marriage after years (10+) of being together , because the children have left and they no longer need to be there. I find that sad – if you know that the end fate will be to split – why prolong it.
But hey that is just my view – I can be a little black and white at times.
Yea – the holidays have been a little tough – I remember that my xMM – when he went on this easter break yearly – always contacted me daily and that he used to feel very close to his father when there (his dad died). I have to admit i did think ‘i hope he is ok’ – but i am pretty sure he is ok – just he used to text me and tell me all about the emotions he felt regarding his dad. But he is with his wife and family and that is where he wants to be , so i am sure he is just fine and happy. But still – the memory of it all has played on my mind. I cared that is why. I cared very much that he would be ok after he lost his dad. ah – i guess i look at it now – at least he could confide in me at that time, it must have been awful losing a parent. At least I bought something to his life during those hard months.
Anyway i hope you will be ok IG – i have a feeling you will
Do you think you would ever tell you husband?
As of this moment, I have no intention to tell my husband, but he had said something weeks ago that led me to think he knew something had happened. As I said before, it would be easy to put a keystroke program on my computer or to pull phone records, but at 5 months out, he would have had to do this ages ago to catch me “in the act”. at this point, he would catch me “recovering” on this blog. My sense is that even if he knew, he would not confront me, but proceed on exactly as he has, with cards, etc, and extra attention. If I ever get to the point that I tell him I am unhappy with this marriage, it might come out then if he knew.
I think I will be OK, just haven’t embarked on that piece of the journey yet, deciding how to handle this troubled relationship.
Hi All, I’ve been quiet. My heart pouring posts under ‘brainlessromantic” finally posted. It was an acct i set up awhile back and I never logged in when i posted but did i suppose not realiing for those all important posts. I’m not usre if anyone read them or realized it was me. Since that break up day, OM nad I have been dragged back into this and contacting one another. We simply cannot seem to let it die but we are torturing and destroying each other with criticism and brow beating beyond belief. He is actulaly truly starting to sow his colors as someone I dislike and am not certain I could or would ever really want to be with so in some ways I find myself removing him from that “pedestal” and then on the other hand, Im regretful of the loss ofwhat was once beautiful and meaningful but we are in this horrible place….the inevitable place…the place that will help us leave this for good soon I suspect. I’d still be in for joining the private forum and will attempt to do that this evening. Round- thanks for joinig back in our discussions. I’m inspired by your story and that even though you did not end up with your OM, you have chosen to leave your unhappy marriage and giv eyourself the opportunity to find true and honest love again.
Tryagain, I have tried to get into your site through the hotlink to your name. funny, it has worked for me on other’s names, just don’t know why I can’t succeed with your site. Hopefully will get to know you better in private forum.
Round, I have considered leaving my husband so many times…..never before had an affair. don’t know why it happened this time, as I had been approached before. I don’t know what kept me from making the choice you had. Just part of the lesson I guess.
Hi…
I got through the holidays…his birthday…and didn’t give in to the temptation to send him a message. I’m so glad I resisted. Since his birthday passed with no contact…I am experiencing a new found feeling of freedom & clarity. I think I am turning another corner and it feels great. My relationship with my husband feels solid and real and substantive. Life is rich and full and I am grateful for what I have…
Zoe
P.S. Tryagain… I don’t see any posts on your site. I have not found any posts written by brainless romantic either. hmmmm….
Tryagain- I left my husband years agao- well before the affair. It was not related. Sorry for the confusion, was just trying to explain that I was unhappy and made the choice to leave ‘the perfect lifestyle’
Your situation with your Mm sounds toxic – dig deep and walk away before it gets any more destructive to your character. Love and relationships do not cause daily pain and hurt. Sure it’s difficult but U need to do this but it has to come from you – making that change.
IG- like you mentioned before ..you will address your marriage soon enough. It is a tough decision & tough to work on making a marriage good – I guess your husband suspects you are not happy & is making an effort- despite not knowing about the affair.
I have utter admiration for those that can pull their marriage back around – because I am of the mind set that once the marriage has gone stale, the affection and sex have become rare or not at all…you stop making time for each other , going out , kissing…well I just think you can not bring that back. Maybe that is my major fail but I don’t want companionship from my marriage- I can get that from a dog or cat or friend. I want intimacy-to feel alive- to have space as Individuals, not fall into the routine of marriage life and become complacent.
Do I live in a dream world- not sure, just know that for me to be happy now, I will never again allow my future relationships to become mundane,,, which I know will take huge efforts in my side also.
Hope that makes some sort of sense as I was thinking a little too much while typing.
Hi all,
The posts from brainless romantic are on this blog dated April 4…they juts were awaiting moderation for a few days so thy probably got missed and lost downstream. Sorry for confusion…I’ve posted nothing on my blog but did sign in for the private forum. This is a mess. Round- you are 100% dead right about ending this before my character is destroyed any further. Furthermore, the behavior I’ve resorted to that is not me…is causing him to feel he will lose nothing if this ends bc he is so frustrated and angered with me right now. Selfishly, that is not what I ever want. We want them to leave w regret and be pining away right? So delusional. Never in my life did I think if be in this place. My H will be traveling for work next few weeks. It will just be me and kids and I feel it would be a great time to soul cleanse…alone without either one of them in my hair. I’m going to try to stick to my guns and make that happen. Going to chose me and my kids and see what I find out about myself. I’m lOoking forward to that focus on the people who need me most…including myself.
Tryagain…
I just went back and found your posts from Brainlessromantic. Sorry you’ve been having such a rough go of it with him. It becomes soooo obvious when it’s OVER, right? No two ways about it. It’s DONE. I am hoping for you that you will stick to your guns and take this time to clear your head. It’s not going to get any better with your X. The longer you keep it up the more it devolves. Don’t do it. Focus on this group and your kids and start the healing process. Hang in there. I’ll be sending you good vibes….
I am feeling so much better. Getting past his birthday without making contact seems to have really strengthened me. I feel good and very appreciative of my husband…realizing what LOVE really is…and how deeply I love him.
There’s a thing for work this coming Sunday wher the X may be present and I think I’m not gonna get all worked up in my head about it..just gonna chill out and take it in stride….
. Making progress…sending Love…
Zoe
Tryagain: great to hear you will be focusing on your children and yourself. They grow so fast. Now is the time to enjoy them. Life will fill in the void left by your departing lover–with richness and context and reality–all good, all good. Please believe that. I will also send you energy.
IG
Got some great inspiration today from Rachel Naomi Remen, MD. She has an eMail newsletter. I know we are all journeying, and part of this task is to break forth in a new direction, having learned from our experience, having grown from the pain, and moving forward in a positive way, whether that be in reconciliation with our wounded spouse, or to forgive ourselves and call it a day with the marriage. Hope you find this poem meaningful.
THE JOURNEY
~Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Thanks to all of you for giving me support and my own voice.
Island Girl
IG- very powerful and thought provoking- thank you for sharing .
So you think the MM ever thinks of us- as much as we them? Or do men truly block it off. I know my xMm was a master of hiding his feelings.
Gotye was number 1 in the charts with ‘somebody I used to know- for 7 weeks- through the middle of my Dd… Amazingly true word. The song is so powerful- I crank it up and get angry and emotional with it!
Has anyone heard that song?
Glad the holidays are nearly done- had a good time but far too reflective for me- as it makes me feel my ubber great moving on has cracks:/
Round: I don’t think that our MM dwell on us as much as we do on them. Mine had to go back to his life/wife for so many reasons, and I figure he did what was necessary to survive emotionally, physically, financially. He had been clear that he had way too much to lose. I wish I had listened to those cues more carefully. I had asked him many times what my role was in his life, and he just dodged answering. I was frustrated at that, but at least he didn’t mislead me directly. Would have been better if he were more clear and I hadn’t gotten pulled into hoping there was more for me down the road.
I had seen the Gotye video a few weeks ago. Very moving.
Hang in there round, each day it does get a bit better…….
IG
IG – thanks- what you said is bang on the money and ditto for my ex MM – he did say he needed to give his marriage a chance to me one time – at least then he can say he tried. I guess like you i should have listened also.
Also feel he and his wife have had over 10 years together and two children – so that is not easy to throw away – so part of me actually wishes them well also.
Hope you have a good day – its the weekend – Lets drink to that! x
Hello to Round, Jill, snowleopard and even TV Explorer….
Peter has set up an account for “the regulars” and you are welcome to explore.
We all continue to encourage each other and are grateful for the time TV has allowed us to highjack his forum.
From Peter:
http://tvexplorer.proboards.com/
This is a pvt forum for the regular contributors here…..you need to create an account and I need to approve it, this way I ensure no one that I don’t recognize will not get access.
Of course, I believe we are still watching this site for continued pithy comments. I know I am.
I truly wish that TV would give an update on your status, because we all have great fondness for you and appreciate your risk-taking on putting it out there. From your musings have grown probably several little support groups. I hope for you TV that your life has come to be rewarding and you have found contentment. That is my wish for all of us.
Island Girl
Hey
I need to get this off my chest-
So had a little set back at Easter- this was because I felt sad – it was the time we met 2 years ago and as usual he and his family went away. Upsetting because , it paints that picture that they are making their marriage work.
So back to the school run=
Monday- they came together looking really well and happy. Laughing – doing together very well.
Tuesday- again they are together- this time I am walking behind them and he holds her and hand there they walk ..
Pain.
I have always faced one of them at the school as you know since Dd.
I have been doing so well as you all know.
Why is this setting me back? Why has it come back again to get me.
Am I sensitive? I feel they are making a statement- look at us- we r happy.
Why can’t he respect that it might just b nice to not rub my face in this?
I also feel they are showing me a great big f&£& you! We r ok- ur the loser.
Now that is my ego right? My jealousy?
I just feel such injustice here – I didn’t cause the hurt mad pain to him- he bought it to me in a huge way after dd.
I know she will want to hurt me and I understand and know my wrongs.
But he has some power to at least reign in this public affection.
Or
…be honest is this me now? Letting them maybe just living their life and moving on and it is my hard luck.
I have or at least thought I had come to terms with it all. And had been seeing them and getting on- I guess it’s te affection thing.
Gosh it is hard.
I went for a run- ran miles an cried miles. I hate this.
Thank u for reading- I can’t get on the private forum as my laptop is not working until end of this week- so using my phone for Internet.
Hey
I need to get this off my chest-
So had a little set back at Easter- this was because I felt sad – it was the time we met 2 years ago and as usual he and his family went away. Upsetting because , it paints that picture that they are making their marriage work.
So back to the school run=
Monday- they came together looking really well and happy. Laughing – doing together very well.
Tuesday- again they are together- this time I am walking behind them and he holds her and hand there they walk ..
Pain.
I have always faced one of them at the school as you know since Dd.
I have been doing so well as you all know.
Why is this setting me back? Why has it come back again to get me.
Am I sensitive? I feel they are making a statement- look at us- we r happy.
Why can’t he respect that it might just b nice to not rub my face in this?
I also feel they are showing me a great big f&£& you! We r ok- ur the loser.
Now that is my ego right? My jealousy?
I just feel such injustice here – I didn’t cause the hurt mad pain to him- he bought it to me in a huge way after dd.
I know she will want to hurt me and I understand and know my wrongs.
But he has some power to at least reign in this public affection.
Or
…be honest is this me now? Letting them maybe just living their life and moving on and it is my hard luck.
I have or at least thought I had come to terms with it all. And had been seeing them and getting on- I guess it’s te affection thing.
Gosh it is hard.
I went for a run- ran miles an cried miles. I hate this.
Thank u for reading- I can’t get on the private forum as my laptop is not working until end of this week- so using my phone for Internet.
Round: when you are able, we will be there in the private forum.
Gosh, this sounds so hard for you because you MUST face it each day. I have been so “fortunate” in that I haven’t seen nor heard from my OM since December.
I believe Peter said it best, in that taking care of yourself and showing them that YOU are doing well is the best “revenge”…Actually, you would be doing it for YOU, you know. I hope that your business is doing well, and that your children bring joy to you. Life isn’t fair at all, but it does throw us small blessings from time to time that we can build on. I am happy that you are running. A good distraction, and much healthier than drink or another addiction. Sunshine, exercise, getting out among others puts you in better shape. I am trying to spend more time with my mom and my friends. I have resumed my walking, which was always a nice way to work things through in my head.
Whether or not they are making a statement to you I cannot say. Probably he is doing it to reassure his wife that your relationship is over…….We have been reflecting on the other site that perhaps our role as APs could be to “strengthen” the other’s marriage, although I think that’s a helluva way to go about it…..
Perhaps as your heart heals there will be room for another. I know I hold onto that. But…my eyes must be open and my fists unclenched……my arms ready, and my heart willing to take another risk. Its good to grieve, but at some point we must look to the next thing, and it IS out there Round.
Just wanted to let you know that Easter week was rough for all of us.
Island Girl
Hey round, no it’s definitely not just you being ‘oversensitive’. I’m trying to build myself up the courage to sort of let go so I’m being a little rough and tough in my attitude
. From your description, he definitely could control his behavior in public esp knowing you can see.You are correct to me it’s like a slap in the face. Given the nature of an affair his wife may not be able to show compassion towards you but your zipper head OM should know better. IF he had true feelings for you he shouldn’t have let that happen. Think of it this way, if in the perfect world he left her and it was you and him……would you behave like that in front of her ? I would not do it to my OW or my wife I mean really…. why would I want to throw salt into a wound of someone I once cared for ??? Live well, show them you can do it…..your wanting him feeds HIS ego for which the only revenge is to at the very least pretend your over him. My mantra is about choice, I’m tired of other peoples choices…..my choices are what I need to focus on. Choice of others that don’t take me in consideration do not belong in my life it really is that simple.
When you can you’re welcome to come to the other forum anytime and let loose
http://tvexplorer.proboards.com
Thanks Peter and IG
Not in the best head at the moment.
Of course he doesn’t give a damn about me- I learnt this when he didn’t call after I lost the baby. And I have seen this public affection a few times.
I cope – I am just sick of – like u say- opening the old wounds. If this hand holding and sudden family appearance is for my benefit – why? Why now? It’s old news – its been 6 months and it just should be left to settle down. Maybe they want to show me they r happy- but why would they care what I think? Maybe they dont-
Blurb!
Of course I don’t show it- I am living well- really well. But forever coping and days like past 2 – well they take a lot of sucking up!
Also – its the age old- we shared so much- loved and swore never to hurt each other – always to be in each others lives- yea – what a load of affair nonsense ahey!
How that man wakes up and looks at himself and feels proud – I will never know- how he forgives himself – I will never know!
But life isn’t a fairy tale- because he gets to carry on with his life – in fact they look happier than ever- in the past they were never together – now u can’t part them!
I thought u couldn’t polish a turd – clearly life can.
Urgh! I am sorry everyone- I feel like I have let myself down and u lot- was on the path up!- not down.
Trying to view it as – its their journey and they have the right to work on their marriage .
I wonder because my attitude is different – that is why I find it hard to ‘get their healing process’
I would never 4give a 2 year affair- especially if another woman was in my bed and things were shared on such a emotional level .
I am sure – as in the past- my feelings will die down.
Dear Snow Lepard: Your words and advice have sustained me on what, at times, has been a dark and difficult journey. Boot camp for the soul as you put it. But I am not the same person who started writing a few months ago.
As Elphaba sang in “Defying Gravity ” from play “Wicked” – Something has changed within me Something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second-guessing – Too late to go back to sleep ….. It’s time to trust my instincts — Close my eyes: and leap! What I have learned for sure over the last weeks of readking, writing, exploring, and journaling, and thinking is that:
I DON’T WANT AN AFFAIR.
While I miss OM and still have a lot of healing to do, that has been a huge step for me …. and epiphany of sorts. I cannot control him. Or the choices he makes. But, I can control that. For several weeks, I feel like I have been what I can only describe as “oxidizing.” Talking about my feelings and behavior have brought so much emotion to the surface. As they come out of me an hit the air there has been a chemical reaction of sorts. It’s been painful and overwhelming. Many sleepless nights. Anger. Frustration. But, more and more I feel glimmers of peace. Not all of the time … but I have felt them.
I’ve learning that I want to find someone who is *** avaialble *** . And, similarly if I want a relationship with OM, I must also make myself available to him. People are unavailable for a varienty of reasons. Being married makes someone unavailable. The “why” we pursue an affair is interesting and important, but for me, in the end. It is all a distraction and maybe an excuse. If he is unavailable we cannot plan a future. He and I have to choose that or we have nothing as I am not happy being an OM.
Maybe it happens. Maybe it doesn’t. But, this perspective has helped me find more stable footing. You have been my lightpost. A friend in stormy weather. While progress has been slow, there has been some progress. I wanted to share that with you. I hope you are well and I would love to hear from you.
-WSB
Coming up quickly on 6 months post D Day and No Contact has remained in force. I have NO idea what my AP is up to, how his life is going, and that is probably for the best. I haven’t had to struggle as Round, TA, and WSB have.
I am trapped in circular thinking….Not wanting to invest in my marriage, but recognizing I don’t want to be out there dating. And yet, I am wanting fire and passion…My H has so many good qualities, the very reasons I married him. I am finding it hard to generate fire and passion for him. All I can muster up is warmth, but at least it is genuine. We are good house-mates, but my mind and heart are broken and I don’t know if all the pieces can be located and replaced–so that I can find the fire in my own backyard.
I am far better than six months ago, and again much better than my first post here in January.
TV, thank you for this blog and the opportunity to work through this in a relatively safe and nonjudgemental fashion. I continue to hope that you are doing well, as that would portend well for me…
Island Girl