This is the story of a professional journalist who lost his objectivity with another woman. And like most stories you see on the news, mine didn’t end well. My fault. Her fault. Everyone’s fault.
Now this tv explorer has embarked on the biggest assignment of his life: To go beyond the headline and figure out if this was fate or just poor judgment. Either way, there is much to write.
And just so you’ll know…
- I’m not proud of what I did. I do not condone, nor is the purpose of this blog to glorify adultery.
- If it seems I spend more time talking about my former “other woman” than my wife, that’s by design. I wish to keep the progress I’ve made with my wife since the affair private.
- I realize “it takes two to tango.” I do not blame the entire affair on OW.
- I am sympathetic to married people whose own spouses have cheated on them, and may view my posts as selfish and hoggish.
- I do not welcome (nor will I publish) insensitive remarks from philandering men.
- I use a whole helluva lotta profanity in my writing. Sorry, but I tend to get really worked up over this stuff.
8 Comments
April 23, 2009 at 3:25 am
Great blog!
September 17, 2009 at 7:58 am
and now that I have read all your recent posts, aswell as others posts, I would like to add…..
I noticed you said that you do assume all responsiblity, but resent your lover……This comment bothers me, on a personal level.
I feel that you don’t see her confession as a bigger picture, you see it as a personal attack. Am I wrong?
I know that my lover feels that my confession was a personal attack. This hurts me, as it was not.
September 17, 2009 at 6:06 pm
If your confession wasn’t a personal attack against your ex-lover, then what the hell was it? Do you expect this man to thank you for your honesty, now that you’ve turned his life upside down? I can assure you, he regrets the day he ever met you, and rightfully so. You had NO right to confess to your husband, knowing it would destroy your lover’s life as well.
September 18, 2009 at 5:52 am
I’m not sure if my previous post answered the question on whether or not it was a personal attack.
I stand by the fact that it was not!
I am sorry that you feel that way about your ex lover, that you regret the day you met her (I assume you speak for yourself, when you speak for my XL).
Obviously you shared at some stage a deeper connection, perhaps it is better for us to see it as not that we regret meeting someone, rather that we regret getting carried away with them.
No, I do not have a right to destroy someone elses life. It was not done with intent or malious.
Two lives became interwined and hence the destruction unfolded for many.
On a different note, I’d like to know why you did not address my husbands cheating and his more recent revelation.
This poses another side to the discussion, as it was partly the truth, his honesty that kept us together.
September 18, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I can see how honestly may be the one thing that has kept you and your husband together. My LACK of honesty with my wife almost destroyed our marriage, and continues to be a major sticking point in our recovery. I lied my ass off to the very end, and it didn’t bode well for me.
I don’t have much to offer about your husband’s cheating. I don’t know enough about the circumstances to comment accurately. But regarding the recent revelation that he had sex with her more than he first admitted, this doesn’t surprise me. Men ALWAYS downplay the frequency of their adulterous sex. If my wife knew the truth about how many times I had sex with my ex-lover, her suitcase would already be packed. Scratch that. MY suitcase would be packed and waiting for me when I got home from work.
Why did your husband cheat on you? And was your affair a retaliatory affair? Also, did you have sex with your Other Man, or was it just emotional?
September 20, 2009 at 4:56 am
I apologize for not answering your second post last night, it was late.
Ofcourse your constant lies about your affair, still make the recovery with your wife difficult.
I’m sure that if you had come clean, perhaps not even initially but once you had been exposed, she could have appreciated and believed that you were finally being honest, you alwasy bare a question mark over your head now, of doubt.
I don’t think it necessarily matters the amount of times it happened, but it is the old cliche ‘the truth will set you free’.
My husband originally cheated on me because our relationship was miserable, we had very little respect for one another, stemming from resentment and unaddressed issues.
His cheating was rock bottom for both of us and in turn we made the decision (not straight away), that we could make things work, we re-entered the relationship not to go make to ‘normal’ (how can things ever be as they were prior and why would we want to go back to our normal), but to begin a new ‘normal’ and one that did not carry resentment.
I can tell you this was truely and whole heartedly achieved and our relationship became better and more fulfilling then ever before.
My affair and yes it was not only emotional but it did become physical….began in a time when our relationship was good and happy. Confusing I know.
While in the affair I researched why people have affairs. My knowledge was that people only have affairs if they are unhappy within their marriage or suffer from a sexual addiction.
I came across this interesting website dearpeggy.com/affairs.html
2. Why Do People Have Affairs?
The first question most people ask when they learn of their partner’s affair is, “Why?” And the answers they come up with are usually based on personal blame. They blame themselves, their partner, their relationship, or the third party. They see it strictly as a personal problem, a personal failure of the people involved. This is a very simple explanation for a very complex question.
Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:
Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs
Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs
Societal factors
Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs:
Attraction: sex, companionship, admiration, power
Novelty
Excitement, risk, or challenge
Curiosity
Enhanced self-image
Falling in love
Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs:
Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
Boredom
Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
Desire to punish one’s partner
Need to prove one’s attractiveness or worth
Desire for attention
Societal factors
Affairs are glamorized in movies, soap operas, romance novels, and TV shows of all kinds. Public disclosure of public figures having affairs is headline news because we are fascinated and titillated by hearing of others’ affairs.
People are bombarded with images of women as sex objects in advertising and marketing campaigns. Over and over, the message to men is that the good life includes a parade of sexy women in their lives. Women inadvertently buy into this image and strive to achieve it.
The lack of good sex education and the existence of sexual taboos combine to make it difficult for most partners to talk honestly about sex.
As teenagers we get conditioned in deception when it comes to sex—engaging in sexual activity while hiding it from our parents.
The code of secrecy is a major factor in affairs because it provides protection for the person having affairs and leads them to believe they won’t get caught.
Bottom Line: There is no ONE single reason a person has an affair. There are usually many reasons, including some of the forces that pull them toward affairs and some of the forces that push them toward affairs, combined with the influence of the general factors in society that contribute to affairs.
For me, I believed I was ‘pulled’ towards an affair (as discussed in the article above), it was never about getting my husband back, it was not retalitory affair.
My ego was extremely boosted and because he was always around, I would have no break from it/him.
It was kind of exciting doing something that was taboo (this was prior to a sexual relationship with him), but also knowing it would not cross a physical boundry, brought me some comfort.
As I have said in a previous post it became a runaway train, it got to the point of no control.
I guess that’s when I started losing control in my own life, smoking etc.
I am no stranger to male attention.
However his attention was persistant, constant and everyday. He was attractive, charming, funny and witty, he constantly pushed the boundry which was exciting.
We both got swept away.
October 14, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Oh my goodness. You have been a beacon of fabulous light. Thank you for your words, they have been awesome enough to shake hands with my thoughts and smile – perhaps even butt-pat in unison.
October 18, 2009 at 8:23 pm
jadealas, thanks for your comment. Sorry for the late reply. I am a “beacon of fabulous light”? You flatter me! I see myself –and this blog– as a giant mess. Please, tell me about your “situation.” Have you had an affair? Been cheated on? People read my blog for a reason, and I’d love to know what yours is.