It’s official. The day after tomorrow, I will return to my home after a two-week expulsion. My wife and teen daughters have taken a vote, and the majority have ruled in my favor. My banishment from “The Island” has ended.
I’ve been gone for two weeks. Forced into a hotel by a wife reeling from the emotional trauma of my adultery. And even though my unfaithfulness is, technically, “old news” (having occurred more than a year ago), my emotional addiction to other woman prevented any real recovery. But that’s over, and the time for healing is right now, and not a moment too soon.
But my return will be extremely awkward for me and my family. We all sense it. My presence at home is a source of “sickness” for all. Just to see me is to be reminded of my betrayal.
I will return this Monday under heavy scrutiny. They will watch my every move. My words and reactions to daily life will be gauged for sincerity and truthfulness. They say they will know if I am “truly back.”
Whatever.
While I will work hard to reclaim my position within my family, I am human. There are limits to how much criticism I can take. Eventually, I will be forced to defend myself. Not to defend myself will send a message that husband-dad can be treated and spoken to in any manner, acceptable or not. My wife will be the first to test this, I’m sure.
Quite frankly, I have doubts about whether I’ll succeed. It’s just a matter of time before my family gangs up on me. And for what reason? Because my wife is unable to move past this crisis? Because she expects me to magically transform into a different person? Maybe I like the person I’ve become. Or maybe I’ve always been this free-thinking person, and she hasn’t been able to accept it. And maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a reprimanded teenager who lives under the strict rules of his wife-mother.
Maybe she just needs to get over it.
I know. That’s easy for me to say. I’m not the one who was betrayed, and betrayed again. But if my wife and I are to finally work this out, we must stop being ruled by our emotions, and start using our noggins. You don’t have to be a psychologist to understand that. Only rational thought can save us now.
But I will do this to kick things off: I will keep my mouth shut in every situation. For a while. I will be a calm and casual observer of things. An attentive husband. An interested dad. I will do whatever is in the best interest of others, putting their needs first and mine last. I will be the Stepford husband-father they demand. For a while.
We’ll see where life on this new island takes us.
tv explorer 
Give it all you’ve got. As you say, there is no guarantee of success. But in the event it doesn’t work out, you will be able to tell yourself that you did your best.
Holy Schnit TV! Thats an amazing step.
I read your post thoroughly and it sounds like you have a very balanced perspective.
I think you are wise to expect a virtual no-win in terms of “making” everyone happy. I am not saying for a second that your return will not be successful and permanent. I am simply saying that you will likely be able to meet every expectation and serve up a whole and healed YOU.
The expectations set on your return to your family home are probably largely unknown to all parties involved. Many unknown expectations hang in the ether of our subconscious.
It would be my absolute most strong suggestion and encouragement that your family walk this path with the help of some PROFESSIONAL, COMPETENT, NEUTRAL GUIDANCE. Aka… a counselor or family mediator.
Please try to take this next thing I will say with some humility and balance: You are not likely to be the only sick one the household! Others perspectives, beliefs, thinking patterns, behaviours and expecations may be equally sick but just on a different plain. DO NOT bring this up to them! I am sure you wouldnt. I just had to make it clear.
Believe me, speaking as a recoverying coke addict who did spend some time amongst the sickest of sick, in fact I was so sick I fit in for a period…. but even so… even though I was that sick, it does not mean that those in my “normal” life were not just as sick.
And the more us sickos recover and the “normals” stay the same, it isnt long before our recovery brings us to a healthier place than the “normals” in our life who never spun out on extreme behaviour like drugs or infidelity.
Keep in mind that you are only responsible for you. So make that your focus in the sense that you need to be the best YOU you can be. Others may not know how to take it. Just do it anyway.
Sorry, dont mean to sound so directing. These were intended as suggestion.
Can I also suggest you keep in contact with a support group DAILY. Use your blog buddie if no one else.
You are not likely yet past your disease. You only stopped the manifested behaviour. Same for me. I stopped using booze and coke but am still working on the underlying thinking patterns. Progress does happen. Life does get better. I am happy to keep working on this for rest of my life because life just gets better and better. This process available for you too.
Anyway… glad to hear things are moving forward. Be patient and try to live a day at a time.
My take and suggestion anyway.
And by the way. Congratulations!
Got it, guys. The professional couples counseling will play a HUGE role for us. Now I must figure out a way to make that happen. I’m getting personal counseling, but my wife has resisted the idea of counseling for the two of us. We tried this before and I wasn’t ready to be honest, so my wife sees it as a waste of time. The difference this time around is, I’m ready to go give it my best shot. It’s our only hope for survival. I will proceed slowly and gently with her.
In the meantime, wish me luck.
Best of luck to you. I agree with Chaz that professional counseling is a great idea in an effort to move forward & heal your marriage. I’ve found that true forgiveness (for both parties) can also do wonders to a marriage.
TV…
It does not necessarily have to be a counselor. Just someone NEUTRAL AND CAPABLE. Obviously a trained professional in family counseling would be a wise choice.
I wonder if your wife can be appealed to from a scriptural standpoint.
Recall the account of the two women in the old testament who both claimed to be the mother of a particular baby? Both were arguing their standpoint and they were deadlocked. So they brought it to a NEUTRAL, CAPABLE third party, namely King Solomon.
I think the overlooked issue of this story is the fact that Kings and Judges of the old testament functioned often to settle disputes. It is an age-old factor of human interaction that we will simply see things different ways and that having a NEUTRAL voice assist us is what God himself instituted to the Children of Isreal. Would it not make sense for your issue too? Especially since it is so incredible complex and emotionally charged?
Secondly …. I can’t imagine a more relevant application of Proverbs 15:22 (NIV)
“Plans fail for lack of counsel,
but with many advisers they succeed.”
How about just one adviser?
I doubt there would be a Christian leader on the planet that would not suggest some qualified help.
Anyway… hope this is of some assistance.
All the best.
Will check in on ya. Email any time.
Ciao.
Chaz
Remember the old adage, people forgive… but they don’t forget ! Good luck!
chanceencounters, thanks for the comment. The fact that people don’t forget (in this case, my wife) scares the hell out of me! Especially as we begin our so-called rebuilding process. This, I know: Things will never be the same.
TV… sometimes people use the fact that we never actually forget the hurtful events as an EXCUSE
TV… sometimes people use the fact that we never actually forget the hurtful events as an EXCUSE to continue in bitterness.
Of course we will never forget the car that ran the red light and hit us. We will never forget the sound of the screeching tires as it skid into us. We will never forget the smashed glass and bent metal. We may have neck and back pain forever.
This does not mean we cannot put these things in their rightful perspective and drive again. It does not mean that we cannot day by day learn to release the emotional stilng of the trauma of this event.
I had my ass handed to me by my ex-wife in a way that hurt so bad, I truly…. and I mean very deelply and truly wanted to die. It hurt so bad that I begged God to kill me because I was affraid to do it myself. I could not bear to see her and “him” together. My doctor ordered me to take at least 6 months off in another city so I didnt keep running into them. It was that bad.
Yet, here I am today, I can see them together with virtually no discomfort. I can look lovingly at my new wife and truly adore her and be grateful for her. I absolutlely love the life that I now have in recovery. I truly feel blessed in such a deep way, I almost feel guilty for such blessings.
This took a lot of work to let go of the pain of betrayal. And I remember every detail. I remember looks on people’s faces. I remember the pain and the hopeless feelings. I remember the uncontrolled crying from the pit of my being. I have not forgot at all, but I am over it!
Not forgetting does not mean we cannot get over things and have a complete restoring of our ability to feel happy again. There is tremendous opportunity for your wife to let go of the emotional ties to the past, release the pain, and restore your marriage to a happy one. I am not saying it would be easy or even guaranteed.
I am just saying that if people hide behind the EXCUSE of “I can forgive but I cannot forget”, then they are deceiving themselves and everyone else.
There is more help available today to survive and recover from betrayal than at any point in history. But the parties both have to want to. They both have to show up with willingness to do what it takes. And it will take a lot. And it may not feel very good.
It is dangerous for one party to show up with a ready-made excuse. Her pain is real, no doubt. I am simply saying that it is easy for any of us to turn legitimate pain into some place to park so they don’t have to do the work of recovery.
Your wife undoubtedly has some recovering to do too. Not just from the pain she felt, but what her part was in letting your marriage slide to the point it did. This is by no means an excuse for your behaviour. You were wrong and I know you know that.
Its just that you cannot do all of the recovering for all parties. Even though it will probably be expected of you.
Again, Dr. Phil has a good bit of input on this type of thing….
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/23
Anyway… don’t be too hard on yourself. You have taken a huge first step in putting distance between you and the other woman. I hope that remains the case.
If so, maybe it is time to move on to the next thing. Only you and people in your real world (not cyber world) know what that is.
Anyway… longer reply than I intended.
Glad you seem to be doing OK. Hang in there.
Ciao. Chaz