If I had a nickel for every time my wife has threatened divorce since my affair was exposed more than a year ago, I’d be a very rich man. She’s made that threat so many times, I barely react anymore when she says it.
Still, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about scorned women, particularly scorned wives, it is this: Guys like me must always take threats of divorce seriously, which is why I met with an attorney this morning.
Just in case.
To be clear, my wife and I are “working things out.” I am in my home and, lately, the atmosphere has been sweet. But I’ve played this back-and-forth game long enough to know divorce papers could be served at any given moment. I figure the least an adulterer can do for himself is find out what to expect if that happens.
My assumptions about divorce on grounds of adultery were wrong.
Dead wrong.
It turns out, in the state where I live, a man admitting his guilt to a judge is not enough. Adultery must be proven through two or more independent sources. My confession alone wouldn’t be enough to convince a judge. That’s the law.
So my obvious question for the lawyer was what else would the judge need as proof I cheated on my wife?
Attorney: “Do you still have letters or emails from your former other woman?”
Me: “No.”
Attorney: “What about pictures of you and your OW together?”
Me: “Oh, hell no.”
Attorney: “What about your wife? Would she have pictures? In other words, did she hire a private investigator?”
Me: “Nah. I just told her what I did. But only after my back-stabbing other woman told her what we did.”
Attorney: “Well, that only leaves one thing.”
And what one thing is that?
You guessed it! When and if my wife files for divorce, my former other woman will be subpoenaed to testify. That’s right. Me, my wife and bipolar girl (with her loser husband in tow) in the courtroom together for a Dr. Phil moment.
My mind swirls with visions of this!
Of course, I hope to avoid such an encounter, although it could be fun in a twisted way.
“Yes, your honor. I boned her good, and I swear on the bible, she liked it.”
tv explorer 
TV… bro….
Allow me to speak unedited for just a moment…. ahem….
For fuck sakes what more hell do people wish to put you through! You boinked the other woman…. ya…. news flash! You did the honourable thing. You admitted it and started on the road to recovery. You ate some humble pie and now you are trying to make things right.
Let me say that I see far more men and WOMEN who have affairs and leave without a word or any apeasement or empathy to those they hurt and left behind. You took a more honourable path.
From where i stand, it sounds like your wife may be enjoying a bit of payback by not being clear on whether she will stay or not. Again I return to the point I posted some time ago…. “You, my friend, may no longer be the sickest one in the household!”.
I am speaking through the filter of someone who drove his wife away and then was made to pay a price even though I took steps to address what my end of it was. My ex seemed to revel in the barrell she had me over. She seemed to enjoy twisting the knife from time to time. I certainly do not know your wife but do wonder if you are not being made to dangle and flail while she makes up her mind whether to keep you or leave you.
Maybe I am getting the wrong picture here. Just sounds that way in your last post.
Anyway… truly glad to hear that things are still together. Just hope it is on the pathway towoard a healthy together.
Ciao. Chaz
Thanks Chaz. It’s been a tough road. I know I deserve a lot of the treatment I’m getting at home, but on some days, it’s more than I can handle.
I’m amazed by the controversy my actions have generated both at home and in the blogosphere.
Tell em all that Dr. Chaz prescribes a good ol’ fashion bench clearing, glove dropping, jersey ripping hockey fight!
Lets quit mincing words and manipulating one another in a slow, painful way. Lets just get it out and get some blood on the ice.
Then we can all skate away friends.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz, now you’re talking my language! The mincing of words, insinuations, ugly looks, etc., drive me crazy! It’s time to get it all out.
I got something here. You know that I am the wife of a guy who fucked another woman. I found out 8 months ago- trying to work it out. Something hit a nerve with me. I can say here that I am not always honest with myself or with everyone else, but one day, last summer, I admitted something to a near -stranger that fits with what Chaz is saying about not being the sickest one in the house or about being the one holding the cards and the manipulation that ensues. Unrelated to my current situation with my husband (not completely unrelated, of course) there has been a long history between us with drinking. My husband drinks. It escalates at times. I don’t drink at all- not in AA, just don’t like the viscious headaches and don’t need it. This guy that I had just met, he was a neighboring tenent in a building where my company was renting space, was telling me that he had recently(in the last year) joined AA, got sober and was doing well with that. One of those guys that will just tell you anything. Then he tells me that in a strange way, he felt that his wife, even though she threatened to leave him unless he got sober, liked it better when he was drinking. He didn’t have much of a handle on it, but was sensing it. I don’t usually tell new aquaintances much about my personal life, but I told him this- In some way, I would rather have my husband actively drinking because it gives me a pass on all kinds of small shit that I feel I can justify, get away with, ignore, not work on… you get the picture. He couldn’t believe that I admitted that, and neither did I. But it was and is true. Now that my husband has had an affair, I have even more ammo. Now he drinks too much and he fucked around. I could ride this forever. I don’t want to and I know it is unhealthy, but I do feel this at times. Fucked up, I know. If I am being honest with myself, I do keep this bag of tricks full. Sick shit.
Here again, I know exactly what you’re saying about having “ammo” to use against your husband. I’ve seen it in my own wife. Her bag of tricks is full too. But I will say that after two years of dealing with this, she’s backed down a little. She’s gotten past the notion that the bane of my existence is to deceive her again. To have another affair. I’ve heard it all. I’ve been called every name in the book. I’ve had the core of my being tramped on by her over and over again. But no matter what she says, I do love her. And I can be trusted not to cheat again. I don’t expect my wife to believe that anytime soon. But I know it’s true.
I will add this: Progress between me and wife could only occur when she began to acknowledge her role in my affair. This is something she was unwilling to do for many, many months, but when she did, we could advance our relationship. Please know, I am in no way saying that my affair was her fault. I’m the one who chose to stray. But men don’t cheat because their dicks are hard. There has to be underlying causes, and often those causes relate to the state of their marriage. My wife bitched all the time. My wife put the children before me. My wife didn’t show me the respect I thought I deserved. I hated being around her, and avoided it when I could. Then, lo and behold, along came a woman who thought I was a man-god. (You can see where this is going.) Is it my wife’s fault that I cheated on her? No. But would I have cheated if things at home were better? Also no. We ALL play a role in affairs, whether we’re the perpetrator or the victim.
perpetrators and victims? is it black and gray? can one person totally be just one category? although your wife might totally disagree, while you may have been a perpetrator, i also think you were a victim. your ex, on the other hand, pretty much only fills the perpetrator role from my perspective. of course, her husband probably feels differently. i guess its a little bit perspective… and a little bit fucked up affair stuff.
Wow Robin…. that is a boat-load of honesty and self-assessment.
And Wow TV… great to see your blog reach and affect people in similar situations to this degree.
Robin… the longer I live, the more I see and recognize these complex dynamics between couples.
We get into patterns of interaction (one author called it a “dance”), and then through shere familiarity and/or habit, we continued. The dance steps altered and adapted a little at a time to adjust to the changing circumstances until we arrived at something so incredibly complex…. and we shake our heads at how we ever got there.
Perhaps this is what has happened between you and your husband. This may describe his drinking and betrayal.
Although I will say that when drinking is going on, other hurtful behaviours are always that much easier to happen.
Let me also say my heart goes out to you. I had been betrayed. It hurt like nothing I could have imagined. I am glad to say that no matter what path your life takes, there is hope to get through and over the betrayal.
My wife left for the other man. TV’s wife forgave him and is slowly rebuilding. Either way, life can move on and we can find peace and happiness again.
So good on recognizing the dynamics in yourself. Particularly that you have a tendancy to prefer the chaos so you can get away with things. That is huge. Most people never reach a level of honesty like this. Stay on this path and it will serve you well.
Ciao.
Chaz
tv-
You are right. There are always the underlying problems that can make it seem a bit more justified when you decide to have an affair. I can fully understand this. You mention that your wife put the kids first, didn’t treat you as you thought she should and was a bitch. My husband’s list may differ somewhat, but I’m sure (as he has now told me in marriage counseling) that he did not feel happy in our marriage. This may be a gross generalization, but it has been my experience that men and women have a hard time communicating and have different needs and ways that they want to hear things. I appreciate that you take full responsibility for your affair, but truly believe that you and my husband and many other men and women have really magnified the problems in their marriages and have created a new reality in which they may feel justified. The woman who nags becomes a screaming bitch, the guy who drinks a few beers becomes a drunk, etc. I feel that my blame in this is that I gave up on trying to get my marriage where it needed to be. I got tired of nagging about the drinking and begging for affection. Then I concentrated on my work and our daughter and was able to feel somewhat fulfilled without much from my husband. I can’t lie, I used to fantasize about leaving my husband, but never did because we have a child together. I was not willing to have her world ruined. My husband was. There’s the difference for me.
Chaz-
Ya- I have always been able to recognize all my little evil ways from as far back as I can remember. I also had a raging alcoholic father and learned a few of my tricks back then. I have gone to therapy a few times and have never needed much help getting to the core of things, changing the behavior has always been the tricky part for me. Recognizing the problem is half the battle. But only half. I have at least learned to avoid some self-destructive behaviors for myself. I seem to be able to control myself, but not so great at relationships. From the outside, I may seem like a happy, loving wife, but the truth is, I am often disappointed. I play a role in all of it. I admire your sobriety and your ability to move on from your ex.